Daemian's Shadow

Re-Post of My OLD Video Blogs...

2010-11-18T08:33:00.004-05:00

So I just noticed that for a while the videos to my video blog entries have gone the way of the doe-doe bird. I finally found the originals on a disk I had and decided to repost them... well all but one. I just don't see what it would prove and I don't have his permission yet so I will just leave it out.

Anywho... The first 2 here are vBlogs in which I answered a few of my readers emailed questions. I definitely looked better then... gotta get that back on track.

This next one is part 2. Part 1 was long and needed to be broken up. This is the conclusion.

This is the vBlog talking about an awesome weekend I spent in MA before I moved here. Thanks again to my best friend Jeremy. OMG... I sound REALLY gay in this video.

Til next time chulos!

- Daemian

A New Start a New Look!

2010-11-16T15:44:00.001-05:00

So to celebrate my new start in blogging I decided the go on ahead and re-design the way the blog looked and give it a new banner. Enjoy Chulos!

- Daemian

Back in the Habit...

2010-11-16T13:08:00.001-05:00

Recently I have been finding myself busy and bored at the same time. So I figure what better excuse to get back into blogging. So I will post my latest project, redesigning the kitchen.

This is after painting the walls and trim.

This is when our island arrived. It was unfinished, so I painted the base, stained and sealed the top and stools.

These are the cabinet doors being repainted to match the base of the island.

New kitchen in full use... Even the damn dogs are happy.

So in theme with getting back in the habit, aside from getting my blogging back on I have started exercising again out of shear boredom. LoL. Well anyway chulos ttyl!

- Daemian

Location:Carroll St,Chelsea,United States

Catharsis and the Middle!

2010-05-05T09:42:00.000-04:00

I have been away for quite a while. I have come to find that my blogging was a great catharsis. It was a way for me to vent. It was a way for me to gain ultimate control over my emotions. It was a way for me to be free.

I have come a long way since my last post and a very long way since I left NYC. Even in coming this long way it is time to get back to basics. Back to blogging, back to the gym, back to life.

I am at a middle point in the rebuilding of my life. I have been so focused on getting things back to the the way they were and have lost sight of the fact that this is a chance to make life different and better. So perhaps my focus on getting my life back to the same place it was 2 1/2 years was completely wrong or at least the wrong way to look at the situation.

So it may be time, while I am in the middle, to change the direction of life. Do things much differently.

We shall see how this works out chulos.

- Daemian

Location:Boston, MA

The Sordid Life on The DL

2009-07-20T11:05:00.000-04:00

With the coming of a Gay Black Renaissance, the opinion of gays in the black community is starting to turn for the better. But while it is starting there is still a blight in the community. A disease that encourages hatred, fear and misunderstanding. It's roots lie in a hyper masculine ideal that is put forth in our community. The irrational love of the "Thug Life", the idea that men are supposed to be tough and would never take a position of subservience.

This plague leads to many gay black men perpetrating a fraud. They get involved with women and play with men on the side living in fear that one of their "boyz" will find out. This is nothing short of lying and a disgusting display of weakness, plain and simple. Perhaps there is also the rush of doing something wrong coupled with fear that is playing into the behavior. It was best said that, "I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.". These are men not being themselves and exacerbating this preconceived notion of the "evil disease spreading fag" and hatred for gay men everywhere. Lives of women and children are ruined by this behavior. The self destructive nature of the DL lifestyle is not helpful in the fight for gay rights either.

Now this is definitely something hard for me to understand as a gay black man. I don't really recall ever spending any of my adult life in the closet. The beginning of my high school career did start with my being closeted out of fear. But eventually the fact that I was treated like an outcast for not following crowd allowed for me to comfortably come out. What did I have to fear after all, "they" treated me as an outcast anyway. I had nothing to lose. This afforded me the gift of being spared from the stigma that comes from being an out gay black man and lessened my need to be on the DL. So I can only speak on the subject from the outside looking in.

I have dealt with the "My wife would kill me if she knew" types. The DL life is not confined to the black community at all. The irrational fear of retaliation and expulsion from social groups and family effect weak willed men from all walks of life. The end result is the same. A shattered home, lowered self esteem and the further tarnishing of gay men. We are now seen as liars, cheats and homewreckers due to the actions of the weak.

Living a gay life is perhaps the hardest thing in the world to do. If there is anything that unifies religions and races it is the hatred and fear of the homosexual. So it is understandable that this would put fear into the hearts of many that are gay and choose to lie about it. The stress of living as who we are can be astounding. The stress of living a lie is larger still.

Many groups are beginning to accept gay life more and more. This is seen the least in the black and hispanic communities in which the idea of only the strong survive and being gay is seen as a weakness as opposed to the strength it really is is prevalent. Every black man has 2 strikes against him in life. He is black and he is male, this is something that comes with the territory. If you make it past the age of 18 as a black male without ending up in prison or dead you have already beaten the odds. Black gay men have the added pressure of being gay to deal with. We have to be stronger than we ever imagined in order to just live life. As a black male you at least have the support of your community behind you. As a gay black male that support is stripped from you. Is it any wonder that life on the DL proliferates the way it does?

What will it take to fix this? It will take a cultural shift starting from the bottom. What I tend to do in order to shift opinions of gays is to attack the issue from 2 different sides. Scientific and cultural history. The cultural history of gay men being the top choices as military strength and spiritual leadership is a very positive view and fact. We were often chosen for these roles as we did not leave families behind during the time of war, leaving family men as a last resort for military power. This kept families in tact and made a niche for gay men to fill. This role is a constant in primitive human culture. The other niche is as spiritual leadership in tribal society. We were the Shaman and medicine men of that age. Another role that was a constant in primitive right on up to modern human culture world wide. The scientific portion being population control. I know some don't wish to be seen as herd thinners the fact still remains. Humans have very few natural predators. As such without people who "don't breed" the human population would be more out of control than it currently is. Yes lesbians can have children but if they were living without the option of sperm banks and doners they too would be childless. Everything in nature has a check and a balance outside of mankind. Logically speaking a homosexual is an obvious genetic anomaly necessary for the continuation of the human species by limiting the resources taken up by what would certainly be an infestation of humans on a planet that can not support it.

These two things tend to at least get people thinking about gays outside of a negative connotation. Some throw religion into the mix. "It's against God!", they scream. Is it really? I mean if who I love is the most important factor in my entry to 'heaven' then the world has a lot to worry about. Who I love is rather miniscule in relation to the horrors committed by everyone else. If the worst thing the creater can say about me is that I loved a man, then those of you who cheat, lie, steal, eat shell fish and don't rest on the sabbath are in HUGE trouble!

All of this feeds the idea of gay as wrong. This wrong feeds fear of expulsion and rejection. This fear of expulsion and rejection feeds the DL life that is running rampant and ruining lives.

I will not make excuses for those living on the DL. There is nothing wrong with living your life, as long as you are not purposefully harming others, which is exactly what the lie that living on the DL does. If you want to hurt yourself thats fine, leave others out of it. I actually take a very harsh stance on the DL men. I see it as them making my life harder. It is hard enough as it is, I don't wish to have to fight this preconceived notion that I am on the DL on top of everything else. I would sooner tell the DL men to grow up and stop pretending to be someone they are not. But that is not as productive as presenting myself as an example of an out, proud gay black man that is not afraid of being who I am. I have made it past 18 as a gay black male. A feat in and of itself. It has taken a lot of fighting to get here, I am the ideal not the false front of the DL gay male.

A somewhat harsh look at life on the DL as an outsider, I know. But it is what it is and I write from my heart. "I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not." That... is real strength.

The Fight For Civil Rights and Hypocrisy

2009-06-09T08:32:00.002-04:00

Imagine a world in which your people have had to fight for basic civil rights. The right to marry, the right to live, the right to have the same opportunities, the right to be free. Imagine a world in which your people fought for and won the fight to gain full equality in stature and basic civil rights. Imagine that same lineage now participating in the deprivation of those same basic civil rights of someone else. Sounds horrible yes? Sounds depraved yes? Sounds like a throw back to a different time that was thought to be over and done with doesn't it? Sounds like the type of thing that could only be a part of the past and a far cry from the present and the future.

This is the world in which we live today. Many people try to differentiate the fight for African American civil rights and the fight for Gays civil rights. We need a wake up call. These too fights are the same. Basic civil rights and equality under the law. Some may want to throw around religion, separation of church and state. We as Americans have the right to follow whatever faith we want. We however do not have the right to force those beliefs upon someone else. That is the very basic foundation for which this country was founded. So we shall leave religion out of this little discussion. Basic civil rights and equality under the law.

Some would say, "Well African Americans had to endure some of the harshest conditions to get those rights both before and after.". This is true, but so have Gays. In fact, while it is not socially acceptable to run around calling black people niggers it is still very acceptable to call a homosexual a faggot. Both are slurs, both hurt to hear and both place a stigma on a single group of people.

In the black community, one that has fought tooth and nail for legal equality, gays are treated much like blacks were all those years ago. It is a community that fosters being "on the DL", fear, hatred and violence. Those very same things that very community fought against. How can we as a race of people deny the civil rights and legal equality of anyone? We of all people should know better. If it is against your religion that is fine, but you don't have the right to deny someone else life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness... especially given African American history. The African American Community and the Homosexual Community share this common struggle. Lets see if you can tell the difference between these events.

Midwest, a man is found bound, naked, beaten and bloody. No one knows his name. No one knows any other reason as to why this happened.

Name: John Doe
Age: approx. 30
Race: Black
Reason: He was black.

Midwest, a man is found bound to a herding fence, naked, beaten and bloody. We do know his name. We do know why this happened.

Name: Matthew Shepard
Age: approx. early 20s
Race: White
Reason: He was gay.

New York City, a small bar in the village. Police perform their normal raid in which they harrass, beat and arrest mutiple people for being who they are and congregating. This leads to a minor riot that sparked a nation wide movement.

Place: The Stone Wall Inn

Do I really have to go on about this? We can see the similarities and the commonalities. The Gay Community and the Black Community would better serve each other by fighting on the same side. To have any member of the African American community deprive someone else of basic human rights is a travesty and blatant hypocrisy.

Over the next few weeks I intend to do a small series of articles to touch on a few subjects pertinent to the Gay Black Community. Subject such as being on the dl, false machismo, civil rights and the gay black renaissance. Who am I to write such things? I am a gay black male that got to look at the black community and its interaction with the gay community from the outside looking in.

Yet More Changes...

2009-03-30T08:47:00.002-04:00

It's funny how things work out. I have made so many changes in my life. Here I am doing it again. Jason and I have decided to live together. We get along more than fine and I was basically wasting 750 bucks every month on an apartment I was never at. So economically and emotionally speaking this is a good move.

Tho I do have to be more careful this time around. I can not lose myself for the sake of my other. I have to remain me while in the midst of being "we".

Work is becoming increasingly more stressful. We are short staffed and still losing more by the day. How is it we were always short but everytime we lose someone the statement, "we were one ahead anyway" make sense? It doesn't, math does not work that way. So the pressure of an unstable schedule and picking up the slack is getting to me. More changes to be made I guess.

Til next time chulos.

-D

Comfortable and Uncomfortable...

2009-03-13T13:35:00.002-04:00

Rather cryptic this post shall be. Too many people read this blog to put all of my eggs in one basket.

So basically I have yet to hear my good news. Donnie has assured me that I will hear my news and not to fret. I just hate the anticipation of waiting. Uncomfortable.

There are a lot of things that make me uncomfortable. But who am I to complain or make stances? It's not my place. So I will simply have to deal with these things that make me uncomfortable. I'll deal with it in silence.

On to things that I am comfortable with. My BFs brother has moved in with him. I like his brother. He is fun and endearing. We went for breakfast this morning and it was a good time to have before work. So there are good things and bad things. Comfort, discomfort. Should I or shouldn't I? Who am I to complain I guess.

Laters.

- D

Randoms... I guess...

2009-02-23T08:31:00.002-05:00

I guess a few random things to start my Monday.

Work has been getting very odd lately. The better we perform the more priveledges are being swept away. This, to me, sounds very counter productive. I mean, I understand their logic behind it. That being "If they are doing this well with all of these distractions, lets see what happens when we take those distractions away. Surely the productivity will go up.". What I am noticing instead of an increase in productivity is more a decline in team morale. We seem to be hemorraging team members. I don't quite know what this means for the future but I do know what it means for right now. Right now it means, horrible economy.... do what you have to do. For the future tho... I don't know.

My mini vacation weekend in P-Town with Jason was phenominal! I had such a great time. We laughed, talked, had lots of sex on porn height beds! Absolutely amazing. I am finding myself falling more and more in love with him every day. He fosters my outward affection, my confidence and my heart. I see a great future with him. I see a life with him. I also see lots of traveling, we seem to travel well together. No arguments, no animosity, no anger. As much as I loved my ex, Mike, I am seeing more and more that we probably would have made better friends than lovers. We were each others best friend, of that there is no doubt... but the more time I spend with Jason the more I get to see my previous relationship in a different light. I don't regret the time I had with Mike. In fact, it seems to have been necessary I guess. I can truly appreciate a relationship of the caliber I have with Jason more than I could have if I hadn't spent 10 years with Mike.

Speaking of ex's, I did find out that Mike lost the apartment and his job and moved back upstate with his uncle. I do wish he had contacted me to tell me this. I had been trying to contact him for a while and when no one answered the phone I just figured he was on a date or out with friends. I had no idea he was in such dire straits. I was contacting him in order to make plans for aquiring the rest of my stuff and my cat Aries. Finally having my own place allowed for this. But now I am sort of in limbo about a few things. Things like... where's my cat, what's his uncles number so I can contact him etc.. I am sure that at some point he will email me or comment on my blog or something. I would like to know that he is gonna be ok.

Today is going to be full of life type stuff I have been neglecting the past week. I have to do laundry, clean up my own place a lil bit, not much to do as I have been spending most of my time over at Jason's place. Gonna hang out with Daddy #1 today and when Seamus "Daddy #2" gets home watch an episode or 2 of Torchwood as has become our ritual. I heard their trip to California was amazing.

I do miss my mother and my sister, I guess I will give them a call while I am doing laundry and cleaning up. My cousin Sean called me a few days ago, I have to make sure to catch up with him too... see what going on with that part of my family.

See chulos... all random shit.

Til next time!

- D

Thank God I Made It!

2009-02-12T13:28:00.002-05:00

Didn't know if I would have survived to see my vacation. I mean between work, no smokig and banking bullshit I am done.

Once again I have been analy assualted withathe spikey cock of Bank of America. $530 bucks in the red because o their fuck up yet again. This is it, I am done with being a battered fucking housewife to my fucking bank! They are basically stealing my money. On top of this I still have my tax return on direct deposit. After that clears Bank of America can suck it. Maybe I will check out citizens bank or hell IGN... anything would be better than this..

Seems all the psychotics felt this urge to make my last few days at work before my vacation a living hell. It was a parade of paranoid delusionals, conspiracy theorists, halfwits and just plain old bats shit crazies the past few days. One of even thought their unit was posessed. Wow....

So here I am on the first day of my vacation... no tv, no internet but actually feeling.... good. I got some good news. The company my friend Don works for is highly interested in hiring me. Good pay, Mon - Fri, 8am to 5:30pm. Hrrrmmm... big boy hours, my life back, more room to be with friends and my man. I will be with my BF tonight, always a reason to smile.

Til next time chulos!

- D

A Morning in Poetry?

2009-02-07T08:23:00.004-05:00

I see the early glow, I hear him say hello. Is it a dream?
If so, when will it end? Could it be as it would seem?
He says "I love you." If only time would suspend.
Then the impossible happens when he climbs on top,
Time itself seems to stop.

I feel him breath, the scent of his skin
With a rush of heat he let's me in.
I come when he calls and I'll catch him when he falls.

But time waits for no man, I'll hold him close while I can.
The bell rings, the time has come...
I see the shadows fall and I don't see him at all.

Dammit why do I have to work today.
A whole day with him to let come what may.
That's all I ask, but here I am off to the days task.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lol... poetry on the train. I am such a mush. With my luck he'll find me too sweet. Stupid insecurity, get thee behind me. Lol.

I wonder how far shain got in leveling my death knight for me. I just don't have the time. For WoW these days. Grumble grumble. Lol

I think that's it for random thoughts this morning and I am almost at work.

Laters!

- D

Gonna Be A Long Week...

2009-02-05T08:57:00.005-05:00

To begin... my week starts on Saurday.... work shedule shit.

So next week on Thursday the 12th my vacation starts. I can't wait. Gotta make sure to somehow make the next 7 days fly. I won't be able to see my man as often as I would like to :(.

I will have the shittiest work schedule. It's all over the place which will make it hard to get anything done. But that's ok... I am sure I can power right on through it... boring as it may be. I guess I can just use these nights to catch up in WoW.

Finding myself getting deeper and deeper with Jason. It's a little scary how far things have gotten so quickly and so effortlessly. It all feels so good and so right. Also finding myself becoming more domestic than I have ever been. I'm cooking for him on the regular. It's fun even. I am feeling things I have not ever felt before. I am not walking away from nor sabotaging this one.

Speaking of cooking... last night made a meatloaf to die for! Toss in some overly non-jewish latkes and it was awesome. Here's how I made it.

Meat loaf:

2lbs ground beef 90% lean
1 1/2 cps italian bread crumbs
1 chopped onion
1 large chopped pepper
1 tblsp garlic powder
1tsp salt
1 tbsp cayenne pepper
1 small can of tomatoe paste
2 tblsp of worcestershire sauce
Sprinkling of parmasean cheese
2 medium to large eggs

Directions:
Preheat the oven at 350 degrees.

Mix the ground beef and italian bread crumbs together in a large bowl. Use your hand please.. let this stand after through mixing. Chop the onions and perppers seperately and finely. Mix the eggs, salt, cayenne pepper and garlic powder in another bowl. Pour this mixture into the mead and bread crumb mixture. Combine this thoroughly using your hands. Throw in the peppers and onions and again mix thoroughly with your hands. Add your tomato paste and worcestershire sauce and... well you get it.

This filled a medium sized meatloaf pan.

Put this in the oven for 1hr 45 min. Uncover at 1hr 30min and sprinkle with grated parmesean cheese and spatter with worcestershire sauce. Let cook the last 15min uncovered. Remove and let stand for 5 to 10 minutes.

Overly Non-Jewish Latkes:

Makes roughly 20 latkes depending on how much you use per latke.

4 medium to large potatoes (I use red skinned potatoes)
1 chopped onion
1 tsp salt
1/4 cup of chives
3 tblsp of garlic (minced garlic is best but garlic powder will do fine)
2 tbsp of cayenne pepper
3 tblsp of basil
1/2 cup of shredded mozzarella
1 can of crab meat in water
3/4 cup flour
2 large eggs

Use a food processor with metal blades to chop your potatoes. The more you chop the more viscous. I pefer a more hash brown like consitency. Do not dry.

Put the potatoes in a large bowl.

Chop your onions in the same food processor. Chop finely.

Combine the onion into the potatoes. Add your egg, chives, garlic, cayenne pepper and basil into the mixture. This will feel very thin for latkes. Add you flour and mix thoroughly. Mix in your mozzarella and crab meat with the water from the can.

Heat a deep pan with enogh oil to fill half the pan.

Once the oil is hot your mixture should have thickened a bit. Using a spoon, size of your choosing, drop whole spoons of the mixture into the oil. Cook until golden brown underneath then flip. Becareful, hot oil hurts. Once cooked on the other side, remove from the pan and lay own a paper towl lined plate to absorb the oil.

Serve and eat how you like. I tend not to use much salt in these because I eat em with ketchup. So add salt to your liking.

Til next time chulos!!

- D

Remember Where You Are... This is Thunderdome...

2009-01-30T00:26:00.002-05:00

Talk about a battle for the ages. A clash of the titans. A Battle Royale... hell This is a heavy weight bout. Strongest wins!

I have had a most fucked up day. To top off all of my frustrations all I wanted was a cigarette. I mean I fought tooth and nail today. I didn't fall... maybe I can keep this up. The urge was strong... but I was stronger. I just figured I'd throw that short blah out there. I needed to say it to someone, may as well be you chulos!

I fought and I won today. 18 Days, 11 Hours and 4 minutes nicotine free. I have no doubt I will fall at least once, I am a clumsy beast... but this time is different. I don't want to smoke anymore.

Laters chulos!

- D

A Sign of The Future?

2009-01-29T09:49:00.005-05:00

Well I am finding myself craving Jason more and more. Things are just goin damn well. I could not invent a more suitable match for me. I find myself wanting to spend more and more time with him. Can't believe how lucky I am. This does present a minor issue... time.

I have work, friends and now my boyfriend. I have to find a way to mix all three. Work is my biggest hurdle. If I can normalize my schedule I can manage it all. The past 2 weeks have been full of 11 to 8 hours. They suck! By the time I get home from work on those days my friends are asleep and my boyfriend isn't far behind them. Once these hours get right my whole week changes. The time budget grows and I can live a bit more of my life.

Jason and I will be doing our first weekend away on Valentines day weekend. I am very excited! I mean I have only ever done one weekend away with Mike. We went to VA Beach with Tommy and all we did was argue. The trip there, the entire weekend and on the trip back home. This time will be different.

Attempted to efile my fed taxes... I didn't get a pin number last year... so I had to just put 0 in my AGI field. Uuughh.. I hope they don't reject it. Mailing in the taxes can cause 5 to 10 weeks before I get my return. Ick.

Got game night with my 2 dads this Saturday. I am dragging Jason along, perfect opportunity for me to spend time with my friends and my boyfriend.

Dare I say I am completely in love? Never experienced something like this before. Wow... me? In love again? Who knew? But here I am... in love.

Now for my next trick... the resurrection of Harry Houdini!

-D

Drunk Blogging

2009-01-22T23:43:00.002-05:00

So here I am. I had a night of watching Torchwood episode and drinking with my buddy Seamus. Feeling rather lovely. Sorta miss hold Jason tonight, but enjoying having time with my buddies. I wonder how long I will stay awake.

Bought vodka for Seamus as I owe em a bottle and picked myself up some Jaeger. Jaeger and ginger ale make an interesting comba. Gonna lay down now... maybe watch hitman and be happy with it all. ;).

-D

WOW!

2009-01-22T09:52:00.002-05:00

Wow! And I am not talking about the game. If someone said to me I would be head over heals for someone a month ago I would have slapped em in the mouth for blasphemy. But here I am... head over heals for Jason.

He stayed over last night. I made dinner, we watched TV, went to bed, held each other most of the night. It was bliss.
I love how effortless this all is. Things just fit. We get each other, I rarely misunderstand what he means when he says something... unless I am faking it to get I'm to spell things out. It's awesome! Trust me I know relationships have peaks and valleys. But I was looking at him last night and felt I could not be angry at him for long. I am happy. Funny that.

Work has been trying to say the least. Some newbs are here and are getting a little too big for their britches. The hours are taking their toll on me. I can't do the same things a 20yo can in terms of the hours they put in. I just have to make it to april 20th. That's one year and I can either transfer or move up. I am looking to the future tho. So I am sprucing up the resume' and trying to find a higher ground just in case things don't go as planned with Apple.

Got a new phone that is allowing me to blog on the go, so I should be able to post more often seeing as I can post on the go. All in all life is falling back in line. I hope to continue the upward trend.

Later chulos!!

-D

A New Year, a New Beginning...

2009-01-20T10:17:00.001-05:00

Hey chulos! Life has been making it very difficult to blog regularly. So here is New Years update for yas. A lot has happened since I last blogged about my wretched attempt to fit a square peg into a round hole. Man I must have desparate. He wasn't even that hot... shallow I know, but it's like why did I try so hard. So of course after a month of "men suck" and "how could I be so stupid"... without even trying someone found me. Totally unexpected. I mean we just clicked. Round peg, round hole. We have seen each other quite a bit over the past few weeks and it has all been effortless. it just works. Wow... now this I can see going somewhere. Hell he is even turned on by my intellect. He is very outside my box... but even Seamus thinks we match very well. Seamus is very protective of me so for him to think someone is good for me is huge.New Years Eve was fun. Went to a bear event in connecticut. The event was fun. The after party was better. Consisted of me and our host drinking vodka cran all night long.I miss my Jeremy terribly, work has me ll kinds of busy so i can barely even play wow. I have to eek out some time so Jeremy can meet my new beau Jason.Later Chulos!D

WoW and Stardust

2008-12-10T02:46:00.003-05:00

Enough about my drama, and drama it is.... back to a better blog.

I recently saw Stardust. For those of you who don't know, of all the modern writers my personal favorite has become Neil Gaiman. A former comic book writer the man has a gift for dialogue, irony, a neat surprise and setting a great stage. I have been reading all of his books and one of the more fun books was Stardust. Well it is no secret that Stardust was made into a movie starring none other than my favorite feline female... Michelle Pfieffer. The movie was amazing and in an almost perfect styling the show was stolen by... you guessed it Robert DeNiro. Playing our most merry of Gay pirates his performance was top notch. Who knew he had it in him.

I have got to get this movie on DVD. It was amazing, fun and classic fantasy.

On to my favorite obsession, WoW. Wrath of the Lich King has dropped and it is absolutely amazing. The graphic enhancements are phenomenal. The story has been advanced with a new game mechanic paving the way for WoWs future. Phasing. The game world will now change with the actions you take. Granted these changes are only viewable by those who have also completed said quest lines, the changes are made none the less. Most notable, from what I hear, is The Battle for Wrathgate. It features a cinematic cut scene, a battle for Undercity that changes the city for a short duration and the eventual outcome that changes the surrounding area of Wrathgate after being incinerated by the Dragons. Fun and genius.

The real draw tho has to be the Death Knight, WoWs first Hero Class. This class is amazing. The playstyle, mechanics and power has me hooked. Here is my Death Knight... lvl 72... Xristian.

- D

Mixed Emotions and Freeing Oneself

2008-12-10T01:25:00.004-05:00

So I have just been a big ol' bag of emotions the past few weeks. This has been a VERY hard year and an even more difficult holiday season.

Still getting used to being alone. This shit is much harder than it looked on paper. Basically for the past billion years I have not ever been alone. Went from home to roommates to a husband to roommates. Being on my own has been hard. I have been in such a mad dash to find another boyfriend that I lost track of what it is I should be doing. Seems I bore myself to tears. I was so blinded by this that I entered into a relationship that proved to be more drama than I needed and only left me feeling more lonely. Yeah...

To top it all off this is my first holiday season without my family being within arms reach. Talk about depressing. It's also a season of painful anniversaries. Thanksgiving was when I realized me and my husband had to end, this Thanksgiving made year one of that pain. This entire month of December marks the one year anniversary of living with my ex and dealing with the damage that inflicted. I have been working a shit ton and trying to build lasting friendships. So I have been having a very hard time dealing with my emotions. Dealing with the relationship that is so hot and cold only made things worse. So I am gonna just try and enjoy being alone. Don't know how I am gonna do that.. but I have to give it a shot. Feels like I keep respeccing my life. WoW players will get that one, and my fellow WoW-mates will totally agree that it's my M.O. LOL.

Some days I could cry all day, some days I am content, some days I could beat the crap out of every person I see, some days I just miss my family, some days I miss my Mike, most days I miss Jeremy. Been considering going back on meds as this is feeling a bit more manic than I am used to dealing with. I mean I even got into a fight in which I all but obliterated some asshole. Granted.. he had it coming in calling me a faggot, but I hadn't lost control like that in years.

I then find out one of my old clients and someone I considered a friend died of cancer a few days ago. I guess one really can't just leave it all behind. You can't do it because you leave a mark everywhere you go. I felt selfish, spoke to his wife and she said how he was upset I was no longer in NYC and that he often spoke of me fondly. I felt terrible that I hadn't been in contact with him since my move. I was selfish in just picking up and leaving. So there is also my dealing with those emotions. Who knows tho.. if I can come out of this ok without meds it would make me that much stronger, if I got back on the meds its just me using a crutch. taking the easy way out.

I am very thankful in that I have made 2 VERY good friends. Mike and Seamus. They have been taking good care of me here in Boston, but I often feel like the third wheel. They are married.

I am so confused. If I can make it to January 3rd, the anniversary of my true freedom... perhaps I will be ok.

- D

Second Chances...

2008-11-10T18:32:00.003-05:00

So I have decided to give Joey a second chance. Sometimes I wish I had given Michael another shot after the break up, but I didn't. So... in correcting mistakes of the past, I am going to give him another shot.

Allegedly we are "starting over". Just dating, not BFs. I don't know tho. Things are not the same. The past few days all we seem to do is piss each other off. His inability to make solid plans is starting to get to me. I mean, if you say, "I'll come over tomorrow.. " dammit you should be there. Or if I say "Hey you coming over on Thursday? I am off." and all I get is a "maybe", which I am quickly learning to take as a most likely not, I can't help but feel this distance. I seem to be Plan B. It didn't bother me before, but now it seems to.

I dunno, maybe I am being too guarded and overly sensitive. Who knows. We'll see where this goes if it goes anywhere at all.

- D

Then Suddenly...

2008-11-06T22:42:00.002-05:00

The ground falls from beneath me. As quickly as love found me, love has left me. I am not as upset as I should be. In reality, I sort of saw this coming. My new ex simply did not love himself. As admitted, I was too good to be true. I was like something unreal. Something that his subconscious kept trying to wake up from. He was waiting for the ground to fall from beneath him. For the other shoe to drop. I guess it did not bode well for him. He was always worried that I was going to leave him and hurt him.

It would seem that Boston men have a lot of issues. They are treated so poorly by their own that when one comes along that treats them well, it is unbelievable. Part of my own emotional baggage is to fix mistakes of the past. As seen in my staunch disapproval of domestic violence. I grew up with domestic violence and vowed to never let that cycle continue. So no matter how angry I got.. I may yell, I may argue... but I will never get in my lovers face nor would I ever physically hurt them. Additional baggage would be in that I may not have been the best when it came to how I treated Michael. I treat him like a child. Like someone who needed constant guidance and protection. He is a grown man and needs neither. In realizing this I have decided to treat my lover very well. To instill in myself this will to be a great man for my lover. As it would seem this is too much for those who take their baggage negatively to handle.

I treated Joey too well. As bizarre as it seems, I did. We all idealize this great relationship in which we are treated well and with respect. Is it really what we want tho? Not that treating him well was outside of the "Me". It was not, it was in fact the man I have always wanted to be and found it in myself to become. It was me. But it seems that even trying to show someone that not all gay men are all the same is not something we seem to want. Do men really want to be treated poorly? Because it is more in line to their accepted reality? Have we become so jaded? Do I give up on being a good man and find that side of myself that is, for all intents and purposes, a "manizer"? When I gave up on dating and treated men like garbage I found no end in the supply of guys who wanted to date me.

In all reality it probably would not have worked between me and Joey. I mean.. we are both tops. I bottomed and enjoyed it with him because I opened my heart up to love him. Love him I did. But let us be realistic.... I am a top. Maybe I would have hurt him at some point. Perhaps at some point I would have fucked every bottom that shook his ass like a bitch in heat. Perhaps I would have broken up with him over purely sexual reasons. Who knows. I was willing to try tho. It did feel like we were always hanging over an edge. Me being well grounded holding him, dangling, over the edge... trying my hardest to not let go. He was aware of his predicament. I promised him I would not let go. Not let him fall... but I can not hold on if he let go. Well... he let go. He fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

We had a decent 2 months. Everytime we were together it was fantastic. When we weren't together he would go into this tailspin. If I showed even the slightest displeasure or disappointment he would try to "give me an out". He felt he did not deserve me and that I deserved better. I can not fix that. So I am single again. I don't do the whole break up and make up thing. I just don't. Does that mean I won't get back together with him? I don't know. I hope he fixes himself. When he does... I may be here... I may not. Such is life. Funny enough.. I am not as upset as I should be. I am hurt, make no mistake, but I am not a mess. I do think I am done with putting my heart out there to have it shat on. I do think I will go back to just using men for sex and nothing more. It is what it is right?

- D

A Visit to Jersey...

2008-11-03T14:45:00.004-05:00

So I am on vacation. Spending some time with my family down in New Jersey. Plan is to see my father today. The man apparently is dying. He has Sorosis of the Liver or something like that. I am just a computer tech, I don't know much about fixing a human. But I will see him today. See how he is doing. I barely know him so I don't rightly know how I feel about this news. Should I feel sad? Angry? Lost? I don't know. I felt all of those things a long time ago in regards to him. Once I gave up on him I had no need for those feelings towards him anymore. He is but a stranger to me.

I have to see my aunt as well. It is a sad thing. Her own children are killing her slowly. Two of them refuse to become adults. They feed off of her daily. contributing nothing, having her care for their children and then have the balls to behave as if the world owes them something. As if my sister and I had some unfair advantage. In a way we did I guess. Discipline. We are by no means perfect children. But we turned out to be children that my mother can be proud of. Children that she does not have to worry about. Children that are not killing her slowly but egging her to live on. She wants to see how far our story can go before she is gone.

I have these horrid mood swings. Recently I have been in my "feeling like a plague" phase. Like everything I have touched in the last 13years of my life have done nothing but turn to shit. Every attempt at good I make, folds in on itself. As if I am cursed to never be able to make my own way. Every effort is faced with serious opposition. As if there is something that wants me to fail, fall or stumble. Like I have no choice but to constantly struggle. There is no rest for the wicked, I guess in my younger days I was rather wicked. Perhaps this is my penance.

I needed this break. If even a small break. I feel like a hero to my family. Like I have actually done well. They make me forget all the bullshit I have become clouded with. They force me to empty my cup. Life, love, money... none of it matters when I am making them laugh or making them remember. None of it matters when I realize that I have not done too badly. That in one years time I have both torn my life down and have almost fully rebuilt it. I am leaps and bounds ahead of where most others would have been in the course of one year. Visiting my family is giving me that reason to do better. To finish this story. To reach my own potential of which I have barely even scratched the surface of.

Someone said to me, "I thought you were different. But yer just like everyone else. I forgot you were just human.". Well... I realize something else. I am different. I am not like everyone else. But I am still, just human. In that, there is something amazing. I have beaten the odds, without a stacked deck. I am different indeed. My family only reflects it.

I may have only been here a day, but I am ready to return to my life. A life that I am finishing the rebuilding of. A life that I can live on my own, with no one. A life that I can share, with anyone. Realizing the ultimate truth. This would be year 4 of my personal discovery, as I have written about before. The closer I get to understanding it the farther away from it I am. Or am I?

- D

How Daemian Got His Groove Back...

2008-10-22T12:28:00.002-04:00

I finally gots me interwebz. Wooha!!!

So I now have a couch, a loveseat and a huge 42" LCD HD TV! Dear lord. My apartment is slowly coming together. I have to start thinking about the walls and actually decorating. Gayness here I come!

It felt good to be back in World of Warcraft. The new patch is fun. It builds so much anticipation for the Wrath of the Lich King.

Next Friday is my Halloween / Housewarming Party. Can't wait, it should be fun. Co-Workers, friends... Homos and Heteros having fun together. What next? Dogs fucking Cats?

I am going to see my family the first week of November for my vacation. I have to make sure I hit NYC to have lunch with Walter, to drop off the keys to the old apartment with Mike and pick up a few things I left behind in the old apartment. At first I was apprehensive about this prospect but at this point I am just fine with it.

My Joey.... I got my groove back. IT is an interesting thing going on. I let my guard down and decided to allow myself to love someone again. I am scared shitless about it. I know that in doing so I have given him the power to hurt me. I don't ever want to get hurt again. But I decided that I want to live life. I can't truly live life if I don't allow myself attachment. I am in love. How do I know? A few key events. I miss him when he is gone, I am genuinely happy when I see him and... drum roll please.... I let him Top me. I enjoyed being topped more emotionally that I did physically. Physically it does nothing for me... but emotionally it felt fantastic. I enjoyed it so much because it was with him. I know that eventually this have to end. Either in death or in break up. Nothing lasts forever. I just hope this doesn't end too soon.

Update!!

2008-10-17T11:43:00.002-04:00

So I don't yet have internet access but here is a small update.

My apartment is empty. I mean fucking empty. It's exhausting living there. LOL. But on the bright side I picked up some speakers for my computer today, gonna get my TV ordered and my internet access order through.

On the relationship front, I have started seeing someone. His name is Joey. He is oh so nice if a bit cunty. I like that tho. We are just in general... nice to each other. I respect him and he respects me. It's interesting how my expectations for a relationship have changed. I know what I had in the past with Mike. I know what we lacked and I now feel like I am deserving of it all. As such I have to give what I expect to receive. I expect respect... I have to give it. I expect loving behavior... I have to give it. He's a cuddler. I never really knew I had that in me... but I do. I love just being held.

I think I am falling for this guy. We have been talking for months now as friends and it seems that is what's working in our favor. As much as I have fought it, out of fear of course... I can't help this. He is breaking down my walls diligently. I don't want to get hurt. It can't be the right time. But no one ever got anywhere being afraid and if we all wait for the right time we may as well be waiting for Godot.

Well that is all for now.

Can't wait to get internets.

Laters chulos.

- D

New Apartment!

2008-09-24T17:25:00.003-04:00

Well well well... I found myself an apartment! It's a 1 bedroom apartment, so I will finally be living by myself. It's in East Boston and will only cost me $750 a month which is damn good for an apartment in Boston. The bedroom is TINY. I mean I think it will accommodate my bed... and that is it. LOL. The living room is pretty nice and the kitchen is HUGE! Eat in kitchen W00T! I am also on the first floor, which means the backyard is mine! BBQ's and parties baby!

I am intending to move in next week which will be fabulous if I can manage to get some help in the driving portion of it all. Let's hope!

Gotta have my Jaeryd come over and help me ring in the new apartment with booze and crappy movies.

Coming up on one year since me and Mike ended... I don't know how I feel about this quite yet. We shall see how it goes.

Wish me luck chulos!

;)

- D

A Most Stressful and Odd Week...

2008-09-15T17:53:00.002-04:00

Talk about an odd and stressful week. I mean I find out last weekend that I have to find a new place to live. Long story. Then I seem to be slowing down at work but maintaining my numbers, for the love of God. Then I meet my Ex's... ex... Yes, you heard me. I had to live with this spectre of my Ex's first love hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles for the past ten years. Hell this has been a weird last 2 weeks really. I mean I had my first 3 way in over a decade, and it was HOT! Now this Ex's ex thing.

Well I think the even weirder part is that I didn't just meet my Ex's ex. I also kissed him. Talk about surreal. In talking to him further I came to realize that to him, Michael was 10 years ago. That those feelings don't exist for him. For me it's only be close to a year. It's still fresh.

We exchanged numbers, shared our similarly twisted and odd sense of humors... I mean... eerie.

So I am back on the hunt for an apartment or roommates. I am on my way now to check something out in Dorchester. I don't really know what else to say. I mean I just can't seem to get it all together in my head to talk about. So I am just giving you guys what has happened.

Oh I left out that there is a guy I like, but I don't date. So its even stranger.

Whatever...

- Daemian

There Is No Spoon...

2008-08-30T18:12:00.003-04:00

I have had an interesting couple of days recently. I don't quite know where to begin as I sit here listening to the islanders have a wild party next door... full on with hootin' and hollarin'.

Perhaps I will start with my trip to Paradise. So last weekend, pay day, I decided I needed to discover a new place to hang out and take in the Gay Boston Nightlife. Of course I Was thoroughly warned by a coworker that it was a "sketchy" place. OMG... porn on the TV's it smelled funny and there were shady characters everywhere. MAD SKETCHY!!

A customer at work, a fellow top, had met me there at Paradise and we hung out a bit. I found out that the downstairs area tries to get you as drunk as possible. I asked for a rum and coke and what I got was a plastic cup that was rum with a hint of coke. 3 of those and I was done. There was a cute guy or two there... but as usual I was ignored. So I sat and watched the game of cat and mouse the boys played with each other that went absolutely nowhere. It was a waste of their time essentially. They'd spot each other from across the room, sweat wold bead up on their brow. They'd look at each other, then look away. One would be appearing to be making a move. I was on the edge of my seat. Is he finally gonna just take the guy, bend him over the bar and fuck him for all of us to see? Is he going to at least buy the guy a drink? He moves closer, they look at each other... hoping and praying to finally say a word. And then... nothing... the guy walks right by him to the bar, buys a drink, they look at each other again and with drink in hand... the guy walks back to the other side of the bar, and continues his creepy staring match. What a let down. Seems boys in Boston need to grow the fuck up and leave this puritan, repressed dharmic bullshit behind.

I stay til closing, chit chatting and continuing my watch of the failed games these boys are playing. The bar closes and I catch a cab. The cab driver then gets lost and given I was rather intoxicated, I didn't have the strength to fight the bill. I get into my room, turn on my computer log into bear411 and manhunt only to find a billion fucking messages. All of which said essentially the same shit. "OMG, where you out at Paradise tonight? You are so hot!"... well given this was the email everyone seems to have copied and pasted from each other to send, I in turn send a cut and paste email. It stated, "Yes I was at PAradise tonight. Next time grow a pair and say something to me... I'm actually pretty easy.".

I mean really.... boys are silly. The fact that I don't want to date only seems to be attracting more of these fools.

I spend the rest of my weekend going out and paying bills etc. This figures in heavily to what happens on Monday.

So... Monday comes around and I was supposed to buy a ticket to get to NYC for a few days. I check my bank account to ensure the checks I wrote cleared, as I got paid the previous Friday. Apparently Bank of America is full of idiots. Essentially... they fucked up the direct deposit somehow. So the money was there and available for the taking... but wasn't technically "take-able". So the checks cleared, the ATM withdrawals cleared (I don't carry cash.. it's a NYC avoid the bums thing) went through just fine. But when I checked my bank account.. 736 dolllars is missing. OVER DRAFTS!!!!!!

Every check that cleared incurred 35 dollars and every single ATM transaction incurred 35 dollars. Well this added up to be quite a bit + the amount of money actually taken out. I wish I could afford to have blown money on whores and booze. I'd at least have herpes to show for it. So I spent all of my Monday cursing out Bank of America and having them admit they made a mistake. I won't see my money for 14 days. I told them I was getting a lawyer and closing my account after I get my money back. This is the last time they screw me. I have 2 dollars in the bank as of right now. This is not the first time it has happened and apparently they screwed up the direct deposit of everyone I work with that has a bank of america account. I am so over this shit.

Of course, the fellow I was supposed to meet in NYC is pissed at me because I couldn't show up and refused to accept his offer to pay.

So Tuesday comes and I meet what I think to be a Kindred Spirit. He is 28yo and also just ended a 10yr relationship. Somehow my Hero Complex kicks in. I know what he is going through, as I was just there not too long ago. I am still healing from it, it would be nice to have a friend I could heal with. He is quite a cute one. We meet up in Back Bay and head over to Lir for a drink. Well we had this weird Raspberry and Pomegranate beer. It was interesting... didn't taste like beer. Then head back to my place. The entire time I am thinking about how cute this guy is. We will call him D. D has the cutest lil belly.. nice fur, baby face, a nice shape to his ass and is also a geek. What a find! Brains actually are a huge turn on. We hop the train to Forest Hills and the hop the bus. Talk about awkward. Trains are one thing but to bring someone you are going to fuck to your place via the bus.... feels sorta cheap. But remember... BoA screwed me and I had no cash for a cab. Anywho.. we get back to my place, sit out on the front porch and he pulls out a phatty. OMG and he smokes pot. Too bad I am not looking to date and he is fresh out of a relationship. Much like myself.. he needs to play the field a bit and not think about dating.

We get stoned and have a few laughs. I inform my roommate that I have a buddy over. We head to my room where we chat and laugh some more. I can't believe I actually dig this guy. If anything I totally want to be his friend. But I have to fuck him first. We lay down and chat some more... he heads to the bathroom and comes back and climbs on me then to my side. He looks at me, tells me he thinks I am cute. He leans in and I can tell he is hesitant, but I come up to kiss him. It is too soon to kiss for him, I can tell. But I am a kisser, its what I do.

I don't know how it happened but we were soon naked. It just happened that way... damn pot, he is suckin on my cock and I am fingering his hole and giving it a good munching. I never really liked doing that, but I know he cleaned out and I just sort of went for it. The more I fingered and licked the more feverishly he sucked. He lets out an "Oh!", this one is a noisy one. I like that. I then climbs to face me, I want to kiss him, but I know he is not there. I plunges himself on my cock and lets out a sigh. He tell me it is deep and begins to bounce up and down on my cock like a boy who knows what he wants and is not afraid to take it. A power bottom I see. He takes my pounding in a myriad of positions. On his back where I use all of my weight to plunge balls deep into him, on his side where I can just pound and pound and watch him bounce around like a rag doll on my cock. BEnt over.. he lays his torso down and keeps his ass high. Fucking this guy is fun. He knows that I won't cum until I am told to and he just keeps on taking it.

I don't know how long we go for, I don't even remember when he told me to cum. I do remember hearing him moan and get loud. Just hearing him almost made me blow my load a few times. I do know he told me to cum and I began to fuck faster and hard.. I explode in the condom and we lay there. He can only say one word for a few minutes... "Amazing"... followed with you can cum on command... amazing. LOL

I am flattered. I slept the sleep of the dead that night. I was hoping to wake up in the middle of the night and play a bit more, but I was in a deep sleep. Tho he could have pretty much raped me in my sleep and I would have been ok with it.

I walk him to the train station the next morning. It's right around the corner from my place. I like D. I like D alot. I want to be his friend. I want to go through this thing with him. I feel that we can help each other grow. I want to be his hero as I am for all of my friends. Friends with benefits is fine with me.

I am meeting him at the Alley tonight. Beers on him. He is totally welcome to crash with me as he WILL miss his train home. I expect to run into a few guys tonight. Who knows.. maybe he'll get lucky... maybe I will...

Wow... another post gone sexy!

I am still not looking to date anyone. Still hoping to find a hottie to fuck on the regular. We shall see how that goes. I have taken to using men and only the good ones will make it to my friends list. Otherwise, fuck em. ;) I am going to stop trying to bend the spoon and instead realize the truth... there is no spoon.

- Daemian

The One With a Soul Suddenly Becomes Soul-less...

2008-08-18T08:44:00.002-04:00

I am sorry that it has been a while since I have last posted. Work has been murder. Between that damn new iPhone release and Tax Free Holiday I have been balls deep in tech support.

It is interesting to see how time changes. It is even more interesting to watch time change you and not have the soul to correct a damaged heart. Perhaps I am still heart broken, too heart broken to stop the changes I am witnessing within myself. I must admit that I am becoming jaded. Not bitter... just jaded. Funny enough the more flippant, nonchalant, egotistical, jaded and soul-less I become the more the hot guys seem to want me. And not just want me, but want to date me. I have tried dating and have come to the conclusion that romantic love is a farce. A trick of the mind. A chemical reaction that forces one to give up everything for someone else. To give 110% to someone who may or may not return the favor. I am not mad at life... life has been rather good to me. Lucky in life even. But love is on my shit list. Romantic love. As such I have done to myself what I have sworn I would not do. I am becoming one of those fags that use other men for sex and is more than content to be by himself. I hadn't lost all hope until recently. Perhaps it is the way I have been treated, perhaps it is who I have always been and just chose to not accept it. This isn't a blog post to bitch. It is merely to express my current state of mind.

I have become cold and I am to stubborn, too lazy or too heartbroken to change it.

It really hit me last night. I had this hot guy over... and I mean fucking hot. He was about 5'10, Blond with stunning blue eyes. An ass that was tight yet could be relaxed to keep one pelvis feeling good, ready and able. We had a great night. I mean it was worth every drop of sweat that we let out. In the end I told him I would love to see him again. As I am not looking to be a slut and would like something more steady. He then said, "I would love to, but I am unable to date you." To which my response was, "*laughter* Hon... I don't want to date you. I just want to fuck you.". The look on his face was one of disappointment. As if he was really just playing hard to get and was upset that I was not playing into the game. Perhaps he was just used to every trick he has falling in love with him and I for once did not. Who knows... but what I do know is that in that instant... that moment in time... I had lost my soul.

I woke up this morning rather cold, flippant and arrogant about the day that lay before me. I can almost predict exactly what will come, how I will handle it and that I will do it with style. I guess I have always been self centered, perhaps that is why Mike and I crumbled. Although he had all of me I don't think he truly knew it nor felt it. I don't have to worry about making that mistake again. I know I hurt him more than he hurt me when I broke up with him. I had always threatened it but never did it. When it was real this time I know it crushed him. I did it because of how I felt. It was always about me. Well I do see. I am all about me and I am either too lazy, too stubborn, too arrogant or too heartbroken to change it. I don't need to be fixed.

- D

Perhaps Acceptance...

2008-07-21T03:19:00.005-04:00

Been going through some odd feelings lately. I have been coming to grips with the fact that I would have welcomed not being single, I would have gladly taken a new partner, though I was not ready for it. My decision would have been hasty even. I know, I know... didn't Jaeryd try to tell me that? Of course he did. I would have even done well in a relationship being not ready, it's just part of who I am. I am good at the things I do.

But, now... I don't know so much. I am coming to grips with being single. Slowed down the whole being slutty thing has put a lot into perspective. I don't know nor truly understand what it is just yet. But I do know I am enjoying the new found freedom. Don't even know if I particularly want a partner right now. Oh my god... did I really just say that? Perhaps it's just my strangely manic mode? Perhaps acceptance has really set in?

I have gone on a few dates, trying to find that "Mike" replacement, only to find none of us are really replaceable.. Would I really want to "replace" him anyway? Shouldn't I be looking for something or someone different? Well I have pretty much stopped looking, stopped dating, stopped being desperate. Don't get me wrong, I will still look at every hot guy like he was a piece of meat... but hey I don't have to go there in reality ya know. I also know I don't want to relive all of the mistakes I made along the way.

I don't really know what this all means. I don't, I mean this is a first for me in terms of life experiences. So I don't know what to expect or what to do. But I do know this... now that I am not really looking for a relationship.. watch someone tries to toss one on me. LOL. Go fig.

Well, enough of this weird, woke up from a dead sleep with an inkling to blog rambling. Talk to yas later.

- Daemian

New Information and a New Home

2008-07-15T14:12:00.003-04:00

New Information:

So I work for Apple at the new Boylston Street store. As such I have the opportunity to meet a lot of new people and with that come the opportunity to see a lot of old acquaintances. I run into an old teacher who works at MIT. The teacher recounts how intelligent I was, go figure. He then makes a proposition, he wants me to come by and take an IQ test. Stating he was always curious and has had the chance to work on the creation of a new IQ test. So far his results, according to him, have been shocking and surprisingly accurate. At first I decline, but he is persistent stating his curiosity of my intellect versus my behavior as his motivating factor. The teacher had been one I confided in a while ago regarding my childhood, childhood events etc...

Reluctantly I agreed. So I met with him earlier today, took the test which also consisted of a psychological evaluation. Well I am more than slightly surprised. The teacher did not disclose my psych scores but did reveal my IQ test scores. Genius level IQ begins at 140, I scored 138. I scored 2 points shy of genius. He made me take the test again, of course the questions were different, I was hoping to cheat the test, lol. Nope I couldn't cheat the test... second test I scored 139. He tested me a third time and I again tested 139.

He wants me to come back and work with him on a few things. I don't know what these things are. I told him I would think about it. My work schedule keeps me pretty busy and is mentally exhausting.

I wonder what he found in my psych evaluation and why he would not share them with me.

New Home:

So I have been here for 3 or 4 weeks now. My roommate has been gone for the past week, he had to go to his sisters wedding. This has been an interesting time for me. I have been essentially learning how to live with only myself. I had gone out Saturday and Sunday... shockingly enough I had fun. I don't know how or why. I went out Saturday and saw a few friends there and we hung out, drank and chatted. I even got the phone number of a cute lil fella. Sunday I went out for Karaoke after work and had a ball. I sang 3 songs and got standing ovations from the local bears. I think Karaoke night will be a regular thing for me.

That being said, I find myself missing my weekly dinner with Jeremy. I am thinking I have to find a way to get to Worcester once a week so he and we can resume our weekly ritual.

Oh well, there is really nothing new aside from that.

Later chulos!

- D

One Night Stand...

2008-07-04T21:30:00.002-04:00

Ever have a one night stand that left you feeling like this?

Now as the summer fades
I let you slip away
You say I’m not your type
But I can make you sway

It makes you burn to learn
You’re not the only one
I'd let you be if you
put down your blazing gun

Now you’ve gone somewhere else
Far away
I don’t know if I will find you (find you, find you)
But you feel my breath
On your neck
Can’t believe I’m right behind you (right behind you)

‘Cause you keep me coming back for more
And I feel a little better than I did before
And if I never see your face again
I don’t mind
‘Cause we gone much further than I thought we'd get tonight

Sometimes you move so well
It’s hard not to give in
I’m lost, I can’t tell
Where you end and I begin

It makes me burn to learn
You’re with another man
I wonder if he’s half
The lover that I am

Now you’ve gone somewhere else

Far away
I don’t know if I will find you (find you, find you)
But you feel my breath
On your neck
Can’t believe I’m right behind you (right behind you)

‘Cause you keep me coming back for more
And I feel a little better than I did before
And if I never see your face again
I don’t mind
‘Cause we gone much further than I thought we'd get tonight

Baby, baby
Please believe me
Find it in your heart to reach me
Promise not to leave me behind
(Promise not to leave me behind)

Take me down, but take it easy
Make me think but don’t deceive me
Talk to me bout taking your time
(Talk to me, talk to me)

‘Cause you keep me coming back for more
And I feel a little better than I did before
And if I never see your face again
I don’t mind
‘Cause we gone much further than I thought we'd get tonight

‘Cause you keep me coming back for more
And I feel a little better than I did before
And if I never see your face again
I don’t mind
‘Cause we got much further than I thought we'd get tonight

Maroon 5.. I don't love em, but I like this song. I can relate to it. A one night stand that I would LOVE to see again.

- D

An Interesting Date and Happy 4th of July!

2008-07-04T20:20:00.002-04:00

Happy 4th of July Chulos!!!

I worked today, unsure of my evening plans for I am victim of Bank of America yet again. Work was fun, as per usual.. but I know what you buggers want to hear. The date.

Well I went on a date with a rather funny and cute 26yo guy. We had dinner at a nice restaurant in the South End and the went to see Wanted. I loved the movie, I mean the violence was over the top. Of course Angelina Jolie turned me on a lil bit. Something about a girl that can kick my ass I find to be hot.

That said.. I did enjoy the date... but something just didn't feel right. I mean.. he was a very nice guy. But I just didn't feel that something. I even tried putting my hand on his lap during the movie to see if I felt anything. Nothing... nada... it was like me touching Jaeryd. I think he and I can be great friends, but we simply can not date. Which was both a little disappointing but at the same time a little.. I dunno... interesting to me. I mean.. I was my usual nervous self. But it was sort of good to know that.. I can go out on a date and if it doesn't click, well thats ok. It doesn't have to click. If it does, then great!

So I don't feel bad about it, hell if I had any single gay top friends in his age range, I'd try to hook em up in a heartbeat. I mean he is a good guy. Cute, funny, smart and employed.

So that's the date. Nothing terribly exciting, in fact it was refreshingly normal.

Been mad busy lately, so I apologize for not blogging more. But as things settle down I will make it a regular habit again. ;) Hell if I can fix my firewire o FrankenMac I will be doing video blogs again.

Til next time chulos!

- D

Giving Up...

2008-06-25T13:54:00.003-04:00

I am so confused right now. I don't know where to go. I mean professionally, I am fine. Emotionally I am not. I guess it is really just the fact that I have once again put myself in a position of starting over, within 6 months of having done it previously.

At least in Worcester I had Jeremy. I didn't feel as alone then as I do now. There was a point in time, previous to this, in which I didn't care if I went out or not. Didn't care about meeting new people, didn't really want to meet new people either. I don't rightly know if I was happier at that time or not... but I do know that at this time I am just... confused. Confused, tired, stressed out and lonely.

Maybe I'll make for a good "Crazy Cat Lady". I just feel like giving up the ghost. Go through my day, enjoy my work and let it be at that. Feelings suck and I know they will pass. I would just rather not feel them at all.

Oh yeah, I am attempting a cold turkey quitting of smoking, this is day 2. Let's compound the trauma of major life changes even further is what I must be thinking I guess.

- D

A New Place...

2008-06-21T14:19:00.002-04:00

Well, recent events...

First and foremost, I must apologize for it being so long since the last time I posted. I have been in a state of flux. Between work, trying to find a new place to live, finding a new place, moving and trying to settle in I have been quite the busy little bee.

So I yes, I found a place. It is a great situation. I do have a roommate, but at least he is a 'Mo like myself. So it is infinitely more comfortable of a situation. I am in a 2 bedroom condo with central air. Of course the central air is the part that got me. LOL. My roommate is a hottie tho. But the fact he is my roommate makes him off limits. Roommate drama can come up all too easily if you sleep with him. So I have to actually exhibit some self control. Of course I was really flirty, but you know... that should be curtailed as well. I don't want to send the wrong message.

The job is going very well, I am excelling at the bar even if I am a little slow on the repairs in the Genius Room. I have this meticulous way of doing a repair and if I see something that needs to be done, like the parts are disgustingly dirty... I will sit there and clean each piece as I reassemble the unit. It's what I do, I can't help that. Overall tho, I love what I do. Having more time makes life a lot less stressful.

Time is finally giving me time.

With that comes the fact that I need to start making new memories. I have very little in the way of pictures or regular living and enjoyment of life. The last ten years of my life are recorded in only my heart and my head. Both will fade over time. So now I have to learn how to live life. I am painfully lonely despite being surrounded by some great people. The real kicker is that I don't know what I want. Do I want to be single? Do I want a boyfriend? I don't know. In a way I am scared. I am scared of the inevitable pain that will follow if I am someone's lover. I am scared of the possibility of never finding someone to love and be loved by. I am scared that I don't know how to really live. I am just scared. But me being me, I never let being scared be an excuse to not do something. If bravery is doing something despite being afraid, well I can only hope my bravery holds.

I found myself thinking of Mike today, I got angry, I got sad... I smoked half a pack of cigarettes, I worried that I will never find love like that again. Did we end up how we ended up because our relationship was like a plant that just didn't get watered? If so, why didn't we water it? I thought we had put in a ton of work. I thought we were doing things the right way and learning from our mistakes. Then I came to realization that I didn't treat him like I should have. The withering was not all his fault, it was mine too.

So I move forward. I am trying to learn from my mistakes. I know I am not over it. I don't think I ever will be. But I have to not carry around the baggage. I have to force myself to trust people and to trust myself. I walked away... now I have to keep on walking. But now I am in a better position to do so. I am clawing my way back to the top, I am so close, I can't lose my grip now.

Til next time chulos

- D

Hero Complex...

2008-05-30T15:42:00.005-04:00

No matter where I go, no matter what I do... I feel like 'we' need a vigilantly. What do I mean by this? I mean I hate bullies and when I read about hate crimes it infuriates me. I don't mean the kind of "Let's get political and fight the power!" kind of fury. I mean the "I want to find the one who committed the crime and do to him what he did to the victim." kind of fury.

For instance, when I lived in New York I bore witness to a man beating up a lesbian because she thwarted his advances. I witnessed this thwarting on the train and it wasn't like she was being exceptionally rude about it, tho she had every right to be rude about it given the mans behavior. We get off the train, it was late at night so it really was just us three and he attacks her while shouting homophobic rhetoric. Well, I turn around and tackle the fucker and begin to wail on him. I lose myself for a moment and in the fury of it all was able to be pulled off the guy. If it wasn't for the victim stating I had helped her I would have gone to jail that night. There is nothing I loathe more than to see or hear about or read about someone getting bullied.

I hate witnessing spousal abuse, I hate witnessing a fight in which the odds are skewed I just don't have the tolerance for it.

So I read today about a fellow in the South End, an area of Boston pretty much owned by homosexuals, who was beaten and robbed by someone shouting anti-gay bullshit. Once again this infuriated me. To top it all off, the cops are investigating it as an assault and robbery instead of a hate crime! WORD? ARE THEY FUCKING SERIOUS!?! What kind of justice is this? What kind of example is being set? This man will have hospital bills and wounds to recover from and if they find the bastards that did it they will get a slap on the wrist... a fucking misdemeanor. Really? Word? Are they fucking serious? This is not justice. Justice would be to find the fucker, beat him, rob him and shout anti-heterosexual bullshit at him. Justice would be to force him to have his own hospital bills to pay, his own wounds to heal AND to pay for the bills of the victim. THAT is justice.

All it makes me want to do is get to a gym, build the body of a god, gain access to shielding to prevent my being stabbed or shot and roam the streets waiting to stop someone from hurting someone else. My style of justice is eye for an eye. My hero complex almost demands this action. My hero complex always gets me into trouble, so I sit here... I wait and I hope that someone out there sees this the same way I do and rains down real justice on bastards like this.

What gives someone else the right to attack someone else for being different? What idiotic sense of self makes them think this is ok?

No matter where I go, no matter what I do... I find 'we' need justice. My anger is almost enough to push me over the edge right now. This shit must stop!

- D

Time Won't Give Me Time...

2008-05-29T16:04:00.004-04:00

Wooh!!! It has been one wild ride so far. As you guys may have noticed I haven't posted in a while. Well, truth be told, I just don't have the damn time. LOL.

I love my job and if I didn't I would say to hell with this commute. My commute currently adds between 4 - 6 hours to my work day. So I am up and out of the house by 6am and don't get home til about 12/1am. Yeah.

So news in the pipe is that I am moving. Yes moving. Moving closer to work. I mean I don't even have time to entertain the idea of having a beer, or dinner or a frikkin date. So in the interest of salvaging my social life and making my working life just so much easier, yes I am moving. Plans are to move during the month of June. I am looking in the Somerville area right now as it really is not that far away... easily commuted on the T or Taxi-cab-able for those nights I decide to hang out past 12.

So far tho, the job is fantastic! I hit the ground running and it is amazing. So many people there think I came from some other Apple store given my performance and I am just like, " Nope never worked as a Mac Genius before.", LOL. It is interesting the feeling you get from helping people. This job certainly feeds my hero complex nicely.

In the dark reaches, that time in which I simply come home and rest to prepare for my next day, I find myself thinking. I find myself reminiscing of time gone by. Thinking about how happy I was. Thinking about how that happiness faded. Thinking about the how and why of things. Being grateful to have known love. Being angry to have lost it. Thinking about time I had, time I have lost and the new happiness standing in front of me.

I love my job, I am learning to love myself, I am learning to live by myself, for myself. But still I do find that every now and then... I miss time gone by. I miss Mike, in that time as I am drifting off to sleep exhausted from the days work... I find myself wondering what he is doing. I miss my old life, the security in familiarity. But I have to remind myself that I must regret nothing. That I must move forward. I always have moved forward. Unafraid of what is waiting. I am hoping and praying that I can find happiness in myself instead of in others. I am hoping that once I find that happiness that the true happiness I had known before it was my time to know it returns. It is funny how time makes points and those points connect to a final destination unknown. Unknown to me but known infinitely to time. I don't regret the 10 years time that I gave up. I don't regret having lived those ten years. I find myself less angry with Mike. I find myself more forgiving of him and in some strange way I find I am more forgiving of myself. Perhaps thats it. Perhaps I am to learn to forgive myself. Only time will tell... if I can indeed find time.

I miss the time I had to spend with my friends, most of all I miss Jeremy. He has been all too kind to me and has not forsaken me for his own time. In due time he and I shall have more time. It's like finding your brother and having to leave him all too soon. I know I will miss him a lot when I move. I am sure he will miss me too. Tho I am not going to another state, I am moving far enough away that he will not be able to just 'drop by' to chit chat.

In due time I will have more time, but for now I must sacrifice time for happiness.

My only issue is time. Time won't give me time.

- D

A Fond Farewell...

2008-05-10T10:20:00.002-04:00

(I wrote this while in the airport last night awaiting flight boarding)

Today is my last day in Cupertino. A lot has happened over the last 2 weeks of my life. I have been humbled by the experience of being dribbled down to that 'High School" feeling. I have been validated in my testing, my scores and my past. I have been brought to a place of happiness by finding friendships in the most unlikely of places.

This experience as a whole has shown me a hell of a lot. I am a guy who has gone through a lot. A lot of good, a lot of happiness, a lot of sadness and it all equals one word.... experience. Over the past 6 months I have been put through the ringer emotionally. Self doubt, self consciousness and a huge bit of "where is this road leading and was it a mistake?"

Looking back on it now, it all led up to this one point in time. This one moment in which everything I have ever done and, at the time, questioned the value of... came into focus. I will say that Steve Jobs put it best, my version of what he said would be, "Everything we have done in life has a purpose or a use. We often go through things and wonder what use will this have for me in the rest of my life. We all go through things, positive and negative and ask ourselves why. In hindsight you realize it is like 'connecting the dots. And those dots all make a path that prepared you for what it is you are to do in life."

I look back at it all, then I am put in this challenging situation... and I fucking nailed it! I mean every job I ever had, every job I ever lost, every job I ever walked away from, every bit of hardship that has left a scar was all for this moment. I have my dream job. A dream job that has opened a world of possibility. A dream job that has already enriched my life in a matter of 2 weeks.

One way it has done so is the validation. I have been validated. My intellect has been validated. All that time I spent being a computer nerd has been validated. All that time I spent being troubled over my life only to came out of it alive has been validated. This experience was essentially someone saying, good job! We appreciate what you know, what you can do and who you are.

Another way, the friendships I built here. They are perhaps some of the strangest yet oddly the strongest bonds I have made since I met Jeremy. I made friends with a gaggle of Australians. It is odd how I managed to forge these friendships, with people who are literally from half a world away from me. Yet we bonded. To the point where they are like, "You have to come visit us in Australia. You just have to get here, we'll take care of the rest.". And they mean it. I in turn have invited them to MA, I will take care of them and I mean it. I have enjoyed meeting all of them, and leaving today knowing that I won't see them again until I can book a flight to Sydney was VERY saddening. But I am grateful to have met them. Very grateful. Five in particular... Pippi, Alex, Bobby, Marco and Glen... guys... I love yas. I really do. I know we had only known each other a week, but I just want to say thank you! Thank you guys for being... well... for being like me. The only time I ever felt comfortable during this trip was when I was hanging out with you guys. Who knew that simply helping out with study would turn into something that means a lot to me? So thank you and good luck on your hardware exams next week, you guys will crush them and laugh about it later.

Yet another way was to be shown a more clear path for what I want in my future with Apple. Our instructor Paul was amazing. He showed and inspired me to follow through with what it is I must do. He taught me things that are not based on ones intellect. The others in my class had learned a lot in regards to tech. I came in with that knowledge. The others learned a lot in regards to customer service and procedure. I came with that knowledge. What I learned was that being positive.... is a good thing. That genuinely wanting to help people was a good thing. That not all heroes where capes. My hero complex... the one that got me into a lot of trouble, has a place here. I genuinely want to help people. I genuinely enjoy computers and technology. I have a place here. I work for one of the most innovative technology companies on the planet, I have met some of the best people... cream of the crop types... and I am one of them.

Corny as it may sound, I think my life is finally taking shape. It is going to be very hard my first few months as I have the issue of commuting and my living location working against me. But if I can do this, those obstacles will quickly diminish and doing what I love will be much easier!

And to my Aussies... your Bostralian has a message for you.

AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OY OY OY!

- Daemian

Apple Update

2008-04-30T00:46:00.002-04:00

So the flight in was just fine. The night before I had a night out with some of my friends. I spent the day with my Best friend Jeremy and the evening in Boston at The Alley. Let's just say I should have worn a bib. I mean the place was wall to wall hot bears. I had died and gone to heaven. I crashed at a friends place Saturday night and he gave me a ride to the airport the next day after having lunch at Redbones, a fantastic southern BBQ place.

The flight was not bad really, in fact we arrived in San Jose early. Wish they fed us better, but hey.. can't have it all. I do have to share my hotel room... but the room is more like a mini 2 bedroom apartment. We each have our own bedroom, there is a common area, a kitchen and a bathroom. Which is cool.

Come to find there are just 3 Mac Genii on this entire trip period. Everyone else is here for training as on other things. So the class is very focused and we can learn a lot more given that there are fewer people to share the teacher with.

There is a lot I can not disclose, such is the responsibility of working for Apple. So most of my posts regarding my stay here will be brief, by comparison. I can say that I took my OS Exam today. I did not meet my goal. My goal was to score a 90% or better. I scored an 89.83%. :( Probably some question I was just being retarded about. Had I taken a bit more time I would have most likely gotten the question and achieved my goal. So I am a bit upset about not achieving my goal. It's a thwarted intention. But it is satisfying to have passed and to have that part of the testing over. I look forward to learning all I can here.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime for me. I have excellent paths to create an amazing career here with Apple.

I don't think I will be able to enjoy California the way I'd like to. I mean, my two class mates are assumed to be straight. Well one is no doubt straight. But things like... going to San Fransisco and exploring the Castro? I doubt it. If I drove and had either my own rental or my own ability to drive the group rental I'd have a better time on the weekend. But I will do whatever and absorb as much info as I can. I will leave here with the ability to WOW the customers and my managers. My life is not just getting back on track, it is exceeding what I left behind thus far.

Til next time chulos!

- Daemian

Apple...

2008-04-16T17:20:00.003-04:00

I GOT THE JOB CHULOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSS!!!!

I am an official Apple employee! Tomorrow I go in to fill out the paperwork and to receive my computer. They pay is excellent, especially for living in MA. I get full health and dental, a 401k, stock, all of my certifications and the opportunity to get into Apple big time! I am so very excited about this. I have been an Apple fan for a log time and I can not believe I am about to embark on a huge leap in my career. This is absolutely fantastic!

I leave for California next Sunday for my 2 weeks of training.

Did I say I am excited?

Rebuild My Life Goals (In no particular order):

* Career back on track: Check
* Get a Dog (cure for loneliness):
* Get a Car/Fix my license:
* Get my own apartment:
* Meet my goal for my dream car (2009 Camaro)
* Get a Man:

- Daemian

An Apple Update

2008-04-14T22:46:00.002-04:00

So I had my meeting today. I was so nervous. I sat down, I answered their questions, they had me ask them questions and just like that the meeting was over.

Walking around the streets of Boston all I could do was beat myself up about my answers to their questions. Linger over some of the things they said. Cast doubts on how things went.

So I get home at 9:45pm after being at the MB and there are messages for me on my phone. It's from Stacey!!! The Apple Recruiter whom I met last Monday. She said they weere thrilled to have met me and want to know if I can come back into Boston tomorrow!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG...

If I can pull off tomorrow what I did today this job is MINE!!!

Wish me luck chulos!

-Daemian

Spy vs Spy

2008-04-13T14:28:00.001-04:00

I was at Blu, work, Saturday from 2pm til 4am. God I wanted to gauge my eyes out with a rusty tuna can lid. But some fun did happen during the day. One of the patrons whom is also in the cabaret show, Dan, Was wearing all white with a hat like mine and I was in all black. It was an awesome site. He is light I am brown, he is short I am tall. It was like looking at a total opposite. Very Spy vs Spy. So one of the other members of the Cabaret cast decided to take pictures with her phone. The pictures aren't the best, but hell they are fun. So enjoy chulos!

- Daemian

Next Moves and Being Slutty

2008-04-12T13:30:00.003-04:00

I have reached 2 strange paths. Paths I had never thought I would have to cross. Well one of em' I knew I'd have to cross... but the other... not so much.

I am planning my next move with PTS, but I am unsure as to how to go about it. No... not asking him to be my BF just yet, more left to do... like financial security. But I do want to make seeing him a regular thing. Like once a week. But I don't know how to go about making that happen. I mean do I make a call and leave the ball in his court? Do I just forget about him for a bit and let him come to me? I hate this game and I don't play it very well. As a friend said to me, "What if he is doing the same thing and no one ever calls?". Which seems silly, doesn't it. I don't usual play this dating game... but what else am I to do? Maybe he'll call me back. I left him a message telling I should be at the Alley tomorrow night and staying with a friend in Somerville.

The other thing is my libido and how I have been indulging it waaayyyy too much. I don't know what I should do. I mean on one hand I love the attention, on the other I really don't WANT to be known as the guy who fucked all of Worcester. I mean given the reputation of others, I have a LONG way to go before that happens. I guess I just don't want to make a habit out of it that's hard to break when my special someone comes along. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my work situation leaves me with a lot of free time in which I occupy myself with sex. Perhaps when this Apple thing comes through.. less time might equal less free time for sex and my libido will calm down a little. Or it may not calm down at all and I end up fucking some co-worker or customer. LAWL

So the questions are:

Do I let him come to me?

and

Should I continue indulging my libido like a fat kid in a fudge shop with too much money?

- Daemian

An Update on the MB Piece...

2008-04-10T16:07:00.003-04:00

Here is my update on the poster I did for the MB's Leather Night. It pops a bit more.

- Daemian

Another Piece

2008-04-09T05:09:00.005-04:00

This one is for The M.B Lounge here in town. I was accosted to help their local guy who is learning to make posters work on one for a leather night. I offered to do the main poster for them,the one that gets printed in Hi-Rez and will be in the window... not the fliar the guy is working on, as I know I could do better. So here is the Poster I created. If they like it, it will stay the way it is. If the guys at the MB have changes then it will change.I like it for what it is. Give the customer what they want. :)

Enjoy chulos!

- Daemian

Apple and A Piece...

2008-04-08T19:18:00.006-04:00

Where on God's green hell do I start?

Well, why not at the beginning. So this Sunday I was able, with the help of my friend James, to make my way to Boston. I ended up staying with a friend and having a great time!(Upon some good advice, some things should remain private... from a good friend)

Apple Interview

So Monday morning we wake, shower and headed on our merry way. my friend had given me a ride to Peabody where I was to meet with Stacey, the MA recruiter for Apple. I met with her and the spoken interview went VERY well. I even shared with her how I was able to get FrankenMac back up and running despite it's file system issue, which seemed to impress her a great deal. She gave me the Tech Screening test and I did VERY well with it. Remember this whole thing came about by Apple contacting me, not the other way around. I did so well in fact that she would like to try and place me in the flagship store they are opening in May in Boston.

She has to do a background check on me, which will come up clean and failing the flagship store I will still get my first choice of heading to the Cambridge store. I have the Cambridge meeting on Friday if I don't hear back regarding the flagship. This is all to be a Mac Genius. If things go well I will be heading to Cupertino, CA in the next week or so. Yay! If I get this job... my life as it stands right now changes big time! I mean I can pay my rent, fix my license, get a car, move to my own place. I am looking forward to this. I mean I know I can not count my chickens before they are hatched, but I am keeping positive on this. This job is mine.

A Piece

Well I have been in talks with the President of the Northeast Ursamen about doing the Graphic Design for their events. What I have here is NOTHING BUT A CONCEPT. I like the way it came out. I am sure there are things to tweak and the photos I get will be from the Northeast Ursamen, so this is going to change a lot. But I like it. I hope they do too along with all of you chulos out there.

Enjoy!

- Daemian

An Update...

2008-04-04T20:42:00.005-04:00

Well I haven't updated you guys on my own little reality. I have been talking. That's the best way to start anything right? Talking? Any how, I had told him about my meeting with the Apple recruiter and suggested hanging out. Surprisingly he said yes. So I find out today that my meeting will be this coming Monday at 11am. Yay!

Now as I I have said in the past, I am not looking to be parked outside of anywhere with a U-Haul the next morning. That if I come on strong it's just because I like the person and that we both should take our time. I know what I want and I know what I need to do. I need to make a life for myself. I need to get on the fast job track, I need to eventually move into my place for a bit and I need to financially stabilize myself. I know what I want... I want to get a dog, I want to get over my break up completely and I want to find a relationship with someone genuine, kind, smart, energetic, a sexual match and emotionally available.

It will all take time. So I will talk, show I am a great guy by being myself. It would be nice to have something good. There is much to be done. Til next time chulos.

-Daemian

Next Piece...

2008-03-31T05:30:00.004-04:00

So my next piece is going to be "bear related". I figured I needed to come up with original artwork to use... so I am posting the sketch I am going to work and use in it.
Not sure if I am going to color it or use it as a sketch type thing. Bt I figured I'd give you chulos a sneak peak.

-Daemian

PTS

2008-03-29T17:43:00.005-04:00

As much as I would like to see more of PTS. I don't think I will. I mean I didn't put much hope into it. But I did like him. Something in my gut tells me it won't happen. Dunno what it is. Maybe he just got what he wanted and that is all. Who knows what anyone is really feeling.

I had to get that one out. Haven't ranted about a guy in a bit.

-Daemian

A Revision

2008-03-27T19:51:00.004-04:00

I made some changes to my previous piece going on some comments earlier. *cough* Jeremy *cough*. But I also made some other more subtle changes that weren't mentioned but seemed to make sense when I was making the change I did agree with. I do wish JPGs and PNGs preserved CMYK color profiles better. The pieces I post are from a larger 300dpi CMYK image that can actually be printed in full size.

Here ya go!

I think I will work on something 'Bear related' next. Either a T-Shirt Design, a flyer, a postcard or something or a Poster (Tho online a poster doesn't look any different from a flyer. LOL). I wish I still had the design for my personal business card. Dat shit was HOT!

-Daemian

Job with Apple...

2008-03-27T10:47:00.004-04:00

Well... the phone interview went very well. I answered all of the test questions correctly. I gave a good history in terms of my experience over the past ten years in tech support, hardware repair and software troubleshooting. My experience in 'Creative' seems to have grabbed the recruiters attention. I would not be shocked if he attempted to get me moved into Apple Creative relatively quickly.

So I made it past this step and now it's on to the next. Sometime next week I have to meet with the recruiter of the Cambridge store. The recruiter will give me that basic run down of the 'culture' of the store. Upon a successful meeting with the recruiter I move on to the next and final step. 3 weeks of paid training... in Cupertino, CA! Yes chulos.... Cupertino... at the Apple Headquarters. Oh... my... GGGGGAAAAAWWWWDDDDDD! It's a wet dream come true for a Mac-Phile like me!

Wish me continued luck as I am not in the clear just yet. Of course should something else come up in terms of a job that pays more, well I could only be so lucky!

-Daemian

Rebuilding Piece 1

2008-03-26T04:50:00.005-04:00

Club Nebula does not actually exist. But, I know I need to diversify my portfolio. In the spirit of doing this I am posting one of the pieces as promised. This is intended to be a full page (8.5 x 11) flyer for an event to occur at Club Nebula. Lemme know what you think.

Oh and in other news... I was contacted by Apple Computer. They'd like to speak with me more about being a Mac Genius at the Genius Bar in one of their Boston area Apple Stores. For those who do not know, these Mac Genius jobs come with full benefits, paid training and pay VERY well. I'll be pushing for a position in Cambridge, as I know how to get there. LOL. I'll be giving them a call when I wake up. Pray for me.

- Daemian

Rebuilding...

2008-03-25T17:35:00.004-04:00

Given I have works only from my last job in terms of Graphics work I have to rebuild a portfolio. Over the next few days I will post a piece here or there. I'd like some feedback on them. Which ones you like, which ones you don't. Don't be afraid to post a comment on them. Thanks chulos.

-Daemian

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs!

2008-03-19T18:56:00.003-04:00

Well apparently this past weekend has made for a great networking opportunity. As such I am sprucing up my resumé to reflect my graphic design ability while still selling myself as an IT guy that is also a Graphic Designer. It would seem that there are many bears that can pass my resumé along and perhaps get me in at some decent places. I do like working at the club but the pay is not going to get me back on my feet in anyway... unless they put me on as a Bartender and give me a good night. I somehow doubt that will happen tho. So at any rate I am breaking ass to get my electronic portfolio done, my website done and my resumé up to code. Soon enough chulos.. soon enough.

Oh an no I didn't get the gig that would have been perfect for getting me back on my feet.Their reason... I don't have a car. My friend Jay took great offense to this as I would be driving in with him and he feels they are calling him unreliable. Of course he has not missed a single day, has voluntarily done overtime and arrives early. He did overhear them talking about my being overqualified for the job. So we suspect that to be the real reason.

Whatever the case may be, come hell or high water I am not going to give anyone... especially my ex... the satisfaction of saying I made a mistake in leaving him and leaving NYC. Fuck that shit. I am gonna do this and I don't give a shit what it takes.

If anyone out there has any connections in the Boston area for an IT or Graphics Guy let me know and I will forward a resumé. LOL.

-Daemian

An Out of Hibernation Run Down!

2008-03-17T22:53:00.011-04:00

Well the event was called Out of Hibernation and for good reason. All the bears were out en mass and a hot group of them it was. I had never drooled nor been groped so much before in my life. I met a lot of great people, but still struggling to see where I fit in. It's sort of been the story of my life, I don't fit in anywhere and spend a ton of time trying to find where I belong.

Friday:

My friend James picked me up around 2pm and we headed on our merry way. Me with just a napsack and James with luggage. LOL. Traffic was light, w ran into mild drizzles along the way but nothing earth shattering. We arrived around 5pm into P-Town where we took a short drive just looking around. We had spotted Michaels car (Superman logo gave it away to me) and figured he was staying at The Ranch, which he was. We checked in at the Crown and Anchor in which James had gotten a room with 2 twin beds in it. Given I had overslept, I hadn't eaten yet. So I was starving. We called Mike to come to dinner but he didn't reply. So we went to Betsy's on our own. Had the all you can eat Fish n Chips which was to do die for. But as my friends know, all you can eat is wasted on me. All I can eat is pretty much one dinner. But it was good. As I was having my after dinner smoke, I spotted someone... someone I had been speaking to for a while. Someone I am VERY interested in. He was there! We'll just call him Stud for now. Don't want our business as to who all over the place.

Of course James and I headed back to our room where I had to make like a diva and perform a mid concert costume change. I put on the Sodomight shirt and a grey button up over it, tossed on my leather jacket and we headed to The Ranch for the Bear Meet and Greet. Shock and awe is the best way I could describe it. Hot furry men as far as the eye could see. I mean the place is tiny, but full to the brim with bears. I was man handled, I guess it's that new car smell I have being a P-Town and Bear Event virgin. They smelled fresh meat like a rabid dog smells fear. Not that I mind it at all. I loved the attention. I never get that kind of attention. I had also gotten a chance to meet Mike face to face. I love this little man. I can only hope he and I become good friends... if not GREAT friends. I also ran into a fellow I had hoped to run into on Saturday but didn't, tho he did express that I was cuter in person. Go me!

As I am on my 5th cup of a rather strong punch, in walks stud. The man is damn beautiful. He came because he knew I be going. It was our chance to meet. He had 1 cup of the punch before we made our rather swift exit. Back to where he was staying, it was almost perfect. We had our 'appetizer' then our 'main course'. Three hours later we are both laying there sweaty and spent. I loved it. I loved making him feel good. But I won't go into too much detail like my other porn posts. This is about Out of Hibernation, although Stud shows up a few times in this tale.

So I leave him in his place to sleep and I head back out. I wanted to check out the other pubs around the area and I knew the group was doing the pub crawl. So I hit the 'Little Bar' which was packed with hot bears and it even had a dance area that was wall to wall hotties dancing. I decided to head to The Vault, which was right next to The Crown and Anchor. This place is insanely dark, has porn playing on the TVs and was full of hotties and there I run back into James talking to a few of his friends. Remember... I don't know anybody. So I just give him the "OMG I just had great sex look". LOL.

I drank a bit, talked a bit.. hung out with Ed a bit (El Presidenté of the North East Ursamen , King of the Bears in CT) and found we got along great. It was time to retire tho. Besides... I could barely stand, 3 hours of bangin' will do that to me. I get back to the room, James force feeds me a shot of rum and I was out. LOL.

Saturday:

I wake up trying to hide my hangover. Sunglasses FTW! It was raining and cold. We had sorta missed the Bear Stroll through P-Town but no mind... it was raining and cold. I somehow lost my umbrella. I know I had it when I left Stud the previous night. But whatever. James let me use his dollar store special and we headed out to check out the shops. We went into this knick knack shop that had all sorts of things. James found an umbrella he wanted and bought it. I found a hat I wanted and prayed looked good on me. (There is a story behind the hat I only relayed to those closest to me) We continued on. Went and had breakfast/brunch when we ran into Mike on the street. Paul and his two friend had arrived on Saturday and were there as well. I had a thing for Paul, sorta like a crush... but at this point I find him really interesting and would love to find out more and hopefully make a lifelong friend of him.

We finished up our brunch, head back to our rooms and Dave popped by. I was reading Coraline... again... and he came on in and sat down and the three of us chatted for a bit. Dave is a really nice guy. We got along great! He's as much of a horndog as I am. Alas we are both tops. LOL. So a new friend... yay! A few more pages into my book after Dave leaves and it is time for Bear Blast at The Vault. Well I head on down and see the bear meat hanging around and can only sit there. I was too intimidated to approach anyone. I just kept having that gut feeling I was not their type, I know I shouldn't be so insecure. No one approached me so I just left it at that. But then who should I saunter in on? Stud! I give him his space.. we stayed in differing parts of the bar for a while, but tended to gravitate towards each other and back off. It was like watching two wild animals circle each other waiting for the other to make a move. He flirts with others in a way I only wish I had the confidence to do. But I make my way over to him. A few gropes later and we find ourselves exiting The Vault and heading to the room I was staying in with James. I gave James the good old 'Give me an hour and half' routine. I was pleasantly surprised that Stud liked the hat on me. Tho I did hear word later that I look like I just stepped out of the Bronx in the hat. Is that a good thing? You can see for yourself in the post below how I look in the hat. Anyway... we make it to my room put the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door and we go right for the 'main course' this time. Roughly 2 hrs 30 min later he heads for the shower and goes to get ready for the Boots and Boxers party. I then shower and get ready. I walk out to find James talking to the front desk guy. At which point I find out James actually came back twice before we were done.

Of course they laugh about it, James had to explain that he and I were only friends. Which we are and I am grateful to have such a friend right now. James then goes in to get ready for Boots and Boxers... I have a couple of shots of Rum and we head on out.

Boots and boxers was interesting. I couldn't get out of Bouncer mode. Working at a club will do that to you I guess. I danced a bit and had a good ol time. I had seen a few people that I have drooled over on Bear411 there, but I just couldn't muster the big brass ones to approach them. So I just looked from a distance. Stud arrived in his oh so sexy camo boxer briefs and was sexy as all hell in them. But he disappeared before the end of the night. I didn't get to say good bye or see you later. :-( But I was there and drank a lil bit more. Danced with Ed under the promise he'd tell everyone I was the hottest top ever. I didn't want to dance because I found out I come across as a bottom when I dance. But hell, Ed's bribe was enough to motivate me. So dance I did.

The music was 'ok'. That damn club is rubbing off on me.. but I would have preferred it if maybe Tony T was there as the sexy bear bitch he is. But we stayed and I dance and had a time avoiding someone. James got rather ripped. We make out way back to our hotel room where me and James talked for hours it seemed, while I read a book in between. Then James goes out for a cigarette and the funniest shit happens. It's a story that is only funny if you HEAR it. So if you wanna hear it you will have to hunt me down and listen to it.

Sunday:

We get up, get packed, check out and headed to the All You Can Eat Breakfast Buffet at Mike Oshay's. We sit with Dave and Paul and his gang. We eat, we laugh, we end the weekend. James and I find out that people thought we were a couple. I felt so bad. Maybe that's why he didn't get lucky? Did they think I would grind em to a pulp if they approached him? I dunno. But then I heard something sort of heart breaking. People would say things like, "I love Jimmy's new boyfriend! He is such a nice guy. Finally Jimmy is getting the man he deserves.". But alas we are just friends. It was sort of heartbreaking to realize that Jimmy is an amazing and odd fellow who really does deserve to be with a great guy. Not that I am a great guy... not that I am that guy for him. He is my friend. But I hope for his sake that someone just right will come along and sweep him off of his feet.

James stated to me his intentions for inviting me. He had only learned the day of the trip that I had never been to p-town so it wasn't about that. It was about showing me that life does go on. I am not some hideous mess that I think and envision myself as being. That I cannot hold on to the baggage of what is now my past. That other men should not have to pay for what happened between my ex and I. For me to just let it all go. Drop the baggage. Let other people in. I have a lot of self esteem issues to work through. I have a lot of self doubt to work through. I have a lot of insecurities to work through. But for this one weekend, I let them go for a bit. I still had some issues but they weren't what they had been. I learned I can get over it, I will be just fine and I can and will repair the damage I had allowed to happen over the past ten years. Do I fit in with these guys? I don't know.. but I will sure as hell try to fit in... but not as someone else, not as who I think they want me to be... but as just me.

James, thank you! You have no idea how much this has meant to me. I hope to return the favor for Bear Week if I can get my shit together.

Here are some pics. I only took a few, James took a few. We were both too distracted to get many good pictures done.

___________________________________________

Me: Boots n Boxers Party

Dave (the silly one giving me rabbit ears), Me and Paul: Breakfast at Mike O'shay's

A Leprechaun and an Easter Bunny... how cute: Boots n Boxers

Damien and Mark: Boots n Boxers

Me and 'The Hat' = Bronx Bear!

Paul Shakin' his money maker: Boots n Boxers

The Crowd: Boots n Boxers

Dave, me and Paul: Breakfast at O'shay's

Magger and James (in the plaid): Breakfast at O'Shay's

Pilgrim Monument

Me at the parking lot of the Pilgrim Monument

Me and James: Boots n Boxers

Special Request Edit: James Suggested I re-create the Do Not Disturb sign that hung on the door for 3 hours on Saturday while I had some fun. So here you go. Figure that I would make it all flashy. LOL.

-Daemian

Back in Town!

2008-03-16T19:04:00.002-04:00

I had a fantabulous time in P-Town. I will write more on it later, gotta go help Jeremy before he has a coronary in WoW. But in the mean time. Check out this new Fed I picked up. Already got confirmation I look hot in it so shut up bitches... err.. I mean my dear sweet chulos out there. ;)

-Daemian

Out of Hibernation

2008-03-15T15:11:00.006-04:00

So, I am here in P-Town... day 2. Day one was awesome! First the food at Betsy's was great. We had the all you can eat fish fry. Beer battered haddock and chips. Fuckin' delicious. Then there was the meet and greet at The Ranch aka The Raunch. This place is tiny. Imagine about 70 bears in something the size of your living room. Unknown to me there were other rooms, one in which had a sling. :-( Can't believe I missed that!

Anyhow, a bear I had been interested in for awhile came to P-Town for the event just for me. So despite all the gropes, growls and "Hot Damns"... he had a "reservation" with him. So for roughly 3 hours I banged the hell out of him. He went right to sleep afterwards. I love it when I wear a guy out. He was hot as hell too. Had nice big arms, a nice big muscley chest and an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. He loved every minute of it. Of course I was a bit tipsy and could have had my choice of hotties for round 2... but I don't trust myself when I am drunk so I didn't go there.

I drove down here with my friend James. We have a room with 2 twin beds which is nice. We are at The Crown and Anchor. I then did a slight bar crawl last night and ended up at The Vault. Hotties galore and what to my wandering eyes should appear but another bear I have had some serious interest in. Well he and I will be having some fun today. Then again... I have most of the day to have fun. James did inform me that his intent is to get me to relax, forget about my ex, let go of the hurt, let go of the distrust and to remember that I am alive. I tell you what. I may be lonely... but that will pass. I'll just get a dog. But as far as being single. I should embrace it. I can't let my hurt over what he had done stop me from a) being me and b) from having a good time with life. Truth be told, it's working. I have never felt so good about myself or my current situation.

This is my first time in P-Town and my first bear event. I am having a fuckin' blast and I cannot wait for bear week in July. If I get this job, I will have the money and the car to come to bear week and once again have a good time. So far I have met some great people and I have had some great fun. Trying to take as many pictures as I can take, but I am wwwaaaayyyyy too distracted here to be able to concentrate on pictures. Tonight is the Boots and Boxers party at The Vault. I have my boxers, my boxer briefs to go under them (I am not a whore dammit) and my boots. Wonder how many "Woofs" I am gonna get tonight?

I will post pictures when I get back home and can edit them. (not posting from my own computer)

P.S. Can you fucking believe it snowed. Yesterday was 50 and nice. Today was 38 with snow and sleet in the morning. Welcome to P-Town!

-Daemian

Wish Me Luck!

2008-03-12T04:34:00.005-04:00

I have an open house to attend today. Thing is, they have already seen my resumé. They are already very happy with it. The only thing that may keep me from getting this job is that I am WWWAAAAAYYYYY overqualified for it. It is basically working customer tech support in a call center. I know it is not the best job on the planet, but neither is being a bouncer. If I get this job tho it will do a lot for me. Consider this. After taxes it'd give me roughly 330 bucks a week. My rent is 320 a month. With this money I can fix my license which is a desperate thing right now. I can lease a hot shit car. I can buy a new computer (FrankenMac is slowly dieing after 7years of being a workhorse.). I can go through some serious retail therapy. I can visit mom and my sister anytime I felt like it. I can live like a king until I find a job that is more my speed.

So wish me luck chulos. Oh an dby the way, I am so very grateful for all of the encouraging emails I have gotten from the readers. I will not name names because I understand the whole "don't want people to know I am on some queers blog" thing. So just know, and you shy bitches know who you are, that I am very grateful for the emails. I know I will be ok, I am petrified but I guess the comments on my being brave are correct. Bravery is taking the action even tho you are scared shitless. If I don't get the gig, life goes on another will come my way.

Been a bit lonely and figuring if I do get a job where I can reliably feed myself I will get a dog. I was thinking an American Staffordshire Terrier. They are related to pit bulls but have a great temperament, make great companions and work dogs and are infamous for being great around children and friendly to people yet protective of their homes and owners. Much like myself. So the loneliness will be somewhat cured. I don't need to fuck everything that hoves into my field of vision to patch the hurt. Tho this weekend I am going to PTown for the first time. A bear event called Out of Hibernation. I do plan on using a shit ton of condoms. :P I'll take lots of pictures and post the G rated ones. Later chulos!

-Daemian

THIS... IS... MY... GIRRRLLLL!!!!

2008-03-12T04:31:00.003-04:00

Kristine W. You go girl. OMG, the gay club is rubbing off on me. Anyway, I know how this feels with one exception. It's all very true to me. I mean, he was emotionally unavailable to me. He was not truly free to love. I spent 10yrs trying to get it out of him. Hurting myself in the process. Then not once but twice he showed that he could not truly choose. But he would not turn and walk away, so I had to. Enjoy the music video chulos. I love this bitch, she is... here's my new word of the year coming up... THIS BITCH IS FIERCE!

-Daemian

More YouTube Fun!!!

2008-03-05T03:40:00.003-05:00

These are just some of the fun videos I heard about on YouTube. Figured I'd share!

Charlie the Unicorn:

Shoes:

Let Me Borrow That Top:

Saved the best for last... Text Message Breakup:

These for some reason make me laugh uncontrollably. Enjoy chulos!

-Daemian

I'm Still Standing

2008-03-03T17:21:00.003-05:00

For some reason I love this Elton John song. I loved it when I was a kid and I still love it now. Besides the fact that here is Elton John prancing around with a bunch of painted men in thongs. But for some ungodly reason, I understand it now. Lyrics and video attached chulos!

Lyrics:

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah (fading)

Video:

A Moment of Clarity...

2008-02-29T01:42:00.009-05:00

Then I had a moment of clarity. I don't know why, but in Zen it happens a lot. You get a glimpse of enlightenment and then for a split second things become clear. You see a lot, including yourself, clearly.

Met a few good guys. Met some not so good guys. Met some guys that made me stop and think. Met some guys that helped boost the good ol' ego even.

Also came to realize that I will be turning 29 in June. I spent the past 10yrs in a relationship and never really got the chance to be 20-something. I realistically only have 1 year left to be 20-something, so to hell with trying to find another relationship to be in. As much as I want one, I also want to be 20-something. If Mr. Right comes along then hooray for me and if he doesn't... more time to have fun without having to answer to anyone but myself.

So I am searching... for friends. People to hang out with, to laugh with, to complain about men with, to talk about Project Runway with (part of my gay lessons, apparently I am still not gay enough), to play silly card games with, to invite me to parties. I am looking for friends. So, while I rebuild my life from the ground up, I want to find friends not distractions.

Yes I work as a bouncer to make ends meet while I am rebuilding my life, but I am actively looking for work in the Boston area (easy travel from Worcester being that I don't have a car) as a Graphic Designer or IT Professional. So I may find myself in Boston a lot.

So if you don't mind being my friend... my REAL friend dammit, hit me up. If you are already my friend, I love you more than you know.

That doesn't mean I am not up for some fun along the way of course. Hell part of what I missed about my 20s was sowing my wild oats and being slutty. But safely slutty. Rubbers are the way my children, this whole "barebacking on the rise" thing scares me. So bag it before you tag it. Remember it's not that I don't want a man... I do, but enough worrying about it. I may as well have fun while I am still single and 20-something.

-Daemian

Hottie of the Month

2008-02-22T20:04:00.004-05:00

Month, week.. who gives a shit. A hottie is a hottie, I post em as I see em.

-Daemian

Finding What You Want... With One Caveat

2008-02-22T08:55:00.004-05:00

Well I had perhaps one of the better dates last night. He wasn't so much a bear... but he was kind, showed concern for me, believes in monogamy, wants to see me again and understands where I am coming from because he is in a similar boat. He is 1yr out of an 8yr relationship. He says I gave him hope that he wouldn't have to be alone. That a guy like me is a rarity. Someone who wants a real relationship, a monogamous relationship and is a nice guy to boot.

He reminds me of my co-worker Matty. Mostly in speech, choice of words and affliction. I find it endearing.

There is one caveat, he is 43yrs old. Now anyone who knows me knows that Mike is 41 turning 42 this year. I don't mind the age so much as the question of "Why can't I find this in someone closer to my own age?". Then it dawned on me. It's because I am not my own age. Not mentally, not emotionally. I had to grow up fast, it happens sometimes. I just happen to have left those closer to my age behind. So now when I am trying to find my qualities in someone my age it's like finding a needle in a haystack.

I don't so much worry about it as I worry more about what my friend Jae is gonna think. I am 28 going on 29... the guy just turned 43. That makes him 1 year older than Mike. He has a big heart and a beautiful soul, that should be all that matters right? It's what makes him attractive to me. He has spent some time courting me. I told him I'd like to see him again as well. He asked that I call him today. I will after I wake up.

There is also the predicament of Dwayne. I haven't heard from him, but it has also been a hectic
week. I don't know if he is really interested in dating me or if he just wants sex. I suppose that if he does call I will ask him. I don't know what to do if Dwayne says that yes he wants to date me.

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places...

2008-02-20T17:14:00.004-05:00

Looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love in too many faces. Searching their eyes, looking for traces of what I'm dreaming of.

I don't quite know why I am so preoccupied with looking for love. The obvious answer is that I am just looking to fill a newly created void. That would be a fine answer if I knew for sure that's what it was. But I am not so sure. I am wondering if I am that empty that I feel this need to be us and we instead of I and me. I know I just seem to do better when in a relationship. I have more motivation when someone else's expectations are at stake. It may be exhausting but I like living up to the expectations of others. Somehow it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Ourselves are the easiest people to let down.

I seem to be more able to and more focused on building a life when I have someone to build it with. Does this mean I am some kind of team player that requires the input of others to excel? Does this mean I am needy and incomplete? Does it just mean that I am lonely? Does it mean I should stop looking? What if I can't? What if I stop looking and find myself lost?

I can't stop looking, it's like finding a treasure on a map then losing again. Thing is once you have found it... you know it is out there somewhere. Thats more of a torment than never knowing the treasure was there to begin with. So like some guy who found some treasure once, I know it is out there and I can't stop looking for it. If I stop looking for it I may never find it again without intervention of circumstance, accident and fate. All of which have a sucky track record as it's all just random. I hate random odds. I may end up spending a lifetime looking for it.

I mean I met someone, we both like each other, we have things in common and the sex was banging. I met my sexual match in spades. We enjoy the same things and his reason for being single is that the right one just hasn't come along yet. So once again, the fool in an eternal search, I find myself hoping he thinks I am Mr. Right. Hoping that it wasn't just one steamy night with a mild courtship as a leader. Hoping that distance (1 hour away) is overcome and is a non-issue. Sad thing is the courtship was rather sexual to begin with... and he was the aggressor. So a courtship of a few weeks and a steamy night. J would say... stop over analyzing this. I know. But there are so many questions that I can't help but ask. They all ultimately boil down to the question that can not be over analyzed enough. Why am I looking for love at all? Especially given I already know how much it can hurt.

Masochist at matters of the heart?

Oh well, guess some questions will just fall on deaf ears. Well I do hope I can turn a steamy few weeks of courtship that turned into an all too hot night into something good. Of course this is all about what I want. I can only hope that he wants what I want. Just have to try to keep positive.

- Daemian

Bad Idea Perhaps

2008-02-13T00:51:00.005-05:00

Not even an extreme post... but I am starting to think it was a bad idea to leave NYC. NYC sucked to live in, but it at least protected me from a few harsh realities outside of the city. And regardless of my relationship with Mike it too protected me from a few harsh realities. I don't know what to do now.

You know what Jeremy... why don't we both move to Cali!

A Turn For The Better I Hope...

2008-02-11T05:18:00.002-05:00

Why is it that everytime I make some harsh decision about my life and it's direction something occurs that changes my mind? Is it luck?

Anywho... to not jinx it let's just say I have been in communication with someone that has changed my mind and feelings on being an Ice Prince.

Let's see how this turns out.

-Daemian

Enter the Ice Prince...

2008-02-07T21:07:00.001-05:00

I am just going to start using people for sex. That's it... no expectations... no caring about their feelings... nada. Now granted I didn't give up the goodies tonight, but I didn't have a chance to. I got stood up. No it wasn't Gino... he's a sweetheart.

I can actually see how a gay male can become bitter and jaded. So I offer my apologies to every bitter and jaded gay guy out there I have ever made fun of. You guys are almost justified.

- Daemian

And I Dodged a Bullet...

2008-02-03T11:44:00.002-05:00

(This post has been modified upon request apparently there is only one of this person in the world.)

Whoa...

Just.... whoa. I mean, damn... did I dodge a bullet or what. Dave freaked out because I linked his website and wrote about our date on my blog. Freaked out is sort of an understatement. He went absolutely apeshit. Just... whoa.

Now I am glad it did not go any further than it did. (removed upon request) I mean the only reason any one would freak out the way he did is if they are (removed upon request). I dodged a bullet. Talk about be careful who you date.

-Daemian

Hit and a Miss...

2008-02-02T12:56:00.001-05:00

Well it would seem things between me and David are not going to work out. Such is life... as Jeremy says... process and move on. It's too bad tho, I really did like him.

That being said... maybe I should give Gino a call. He's this cute bear I gave my number to a few weeks ago. Yeah he gets back to me on this past Friday, at which time I tell him I want to see how this goes with David. Yeah...

But hell, maybe Gino would be a fun date. He is definitely cute enough.

-Daemian

I am back...

2008-02-01T15:45:00.001-05:00

Ok.. after a very short hiatus I am back. I have calmed down and am focused once again. I have decided to not say what brought on the hiatus, the past is the past and it will just have to stay that way.

I also came back to say... I have met someone. His name is David. Big ol' Geek Bear, god I love it. He looks good in my Rangers jersey no less. He made it past date 3 and I think we will have a lot of fun together. There is a lot of potential in this. He is even my own age. Can you believe it!?! I barely can.

We are going to take it slow. We have established that we really do enjoy each others company so far. So I am thinking why not.. we can give it a shot. But slowly. I have NEVER felt this comfortable this quickly with anyone. Not even with Mike. I feel safe in David's arms. I am usually the one making someone else feel safe, so this is a nice change of pace. I have rediscovered my overly affectionate and nurturing side. He loves getting affection and giving affection. I have been starved of both. I don't feel self conscious about my body around him, I don't feel insecure, I don't feel that I am not good enough. He is a programmer that can teach me a thing or two and is a full time Linux user. God that makes me salivate. I won't need to teach him anything about UNIX/Linux, if anything he'll be teaching me. We have a great balance and compliment in terms of our technological know how and leanings. I am a video person. Very visual, very graphic design oriented... he is an audio person. You have got to see the boxes he built.

I think lightning struck twice for me and I am in post orgasmic bliss. Wish me luck sweethearts!

-Daemian

Mistakes...

2008-01-24T19:26:00.001-05:00

I made a mistake. Now I have to live with it. Nuff said. I am such a fucking pussy. Perhaps blogging about my life is a bad thing because now the world knows I am a pussy.

What do I do now? It's a question only I can answer I guess. I think I am taking a hiatus for a while. No indecisiveness about that.

Til whenever...

-D

Indecisive...

2008-01-24T18:56:00.001-05:00

Ok... so I am sitting here and contemplating my extremes. Not sure which way to go. See when I make a decision I am very stubborn about it. I make the decision and thats that. Given I see that I am stubborn about it and will not turn back once the decision is made I try to curb it. But in curbing it I become very indecisive. Weighing every pro and con, every possible outcome to the finest point until I can take it no more and say... screw it I'll just have a burger for dinner.

Same goes with my labido. I on one hand am so damn horny (damn latino blood) that I get stir crazy. Just jerking off doesn't cut it. I did it for 10yrs, 30 days out of ever 31 days. So why am I so frightened to just go out and have as much casual sex as my labido can handle? Yes there is disease and there are loonies out there... but Christ what am I to do?

So on one hand a big part of me wants to just not fuck anyone. Let it go until I find someone who can at least wait til the 2nd or 3rd date before I hand over my goodies. But at the same time a big part of me wants to just paint the town white. I mean where I come from sex on the first date is a must. The way the sex goes determines if there will be a second date. So now I am going to flip flop on the whole fucking issue. To screw or not to screw.

Pros:

I will put myself out there. The only way to meet someone is to put yourself out there.
I will satisfy my labido making me appear and feel less desperate.
I will get to have massive amount of good to great sex. (I don't have bad sex)
I will gain a reputation for being a good lover.
I will feel sexier or more studly. (Always good for the ego)
I will have some fun.
I will meet new people and possibly make a friend or two.

Cons:

I will be exposing mysel to all sorts of nasty little bugs. Condoms are not 100%.
I will most likely either feel unfulfilled or fall for someone who has no intention of actually dating.
I will gain a reputation as a whore.
I will meet some lunatics who fall for me after just one night.
I will possibly end up rebuilding my ego based on sex and then end up with another Mike.
I will have to wash my sheets all the fucking time until I get more than one set.
I am unsure as to how fucking an entire town can help you make friends.

So those are the pros and the cons. I still can't decide. I know I can easily go out tonight and pick up a Mr. Thursday #2... very easily. But is that really in my best interest? My labido says yes... my brain, while it still has some blood in it, says no. How does one go about killing their indecisive nature and just make the decision... good or bad?

I can't decide what to do. I do know that I am a man of extremes. Very seldom do I make a move to the middle... it is either left.... or right.

- Daemian

Sometimes Life Can Be A Real Bitch...

2008-01-24T16:11:00.001-05:00

On the phone talking to my sister. We are talking about my cousins daughter. Sometimes life can be a real bitch. This is partly my cousins fault and mostly her mothers fault. This girls mother was apparently on some kind of drugs and the sister had custody over her. The sister would have all sorts of guys over and it is obvious those guys did things to her. I mean she was just a baby. Now she has some serious issues. Her father, uncle and own brothers are uncomfortable around her. She is a bit too sexual for a kid that is 6yo. She has been suspended from school for "innappropriate touching and language". She is doing what was done to her. Kids mimick what they see and experience.

She is in therapy at the age of 6yo. 6! That is fucking ridiculous. My aunt, her grandmother, had to essentially rescue her from how she was living. Therapy once a week and this girl needs it daily. My aunt can't afford that. This girl needs help.

To make it worse my aunts kids are essentially sucking the life out of her. Of 3 children she has 2 of them living with her. No job of ANY kind. One has his unemployed girlfriend living there. Along with all the grandkids. My aunt is on social security. Do you think she can afford all of this. She has had at least 6 strokes in the past 11 years. These kids are burdening her. The sad thing is that my aunts were not brought up this way.

My cousins were always pissed at us because we were well off. Well here it is.. we are all adults and they are home living off their mother. Not even helping. I don't get it. I was out of my mommas house at 17. My cousin Eddie is one year younger than me, same day birthday, and is a complete drain. Always wanting but not doing anything to get. To the point where this past Christmas my mother had to give my aunt money to get stuff for the kids. Why? Because my aunt didn't even have money for food. All the food she bought for the holidays those fucking idiots ate. Contributing nothing to replace it. Fucking ridiculous.

I mean she did it to herself to a degree.... but she does not deserve this. Life can be a real bitch. I am sitting here pissed the fuck off. All I want to do is hop a bus down there, beat the shit out of everyone in that house except her... kick em out... tell em if they come back they'll get more. Tell them to grow the fuck up and be men. It pisses me off. They are killing their mother slowly. Not even with mercy and doing it quick.. no... they are doing it slowly. One day she will be gone and they will be lost.

Now I can sit here and in my anger say I would not give a damn that they were lost. Because they asked for it. But I am not that person to actually feel that way. I will be there to help but not enable. They won't get anything out of me but sound advice and maybe a contact to get them started. Otherwise... they will have to grow up on their own and even worse... they will have to do it without their mother. She has, currently, no reason to be proud of her children. They have done nothing to be prideful of. You know.. I may be struggling right now... but we all struggle at some point in life. I did not run back home. Instead I am gonna tuff it out and be a fucking man. I have done it before. I know how to go from rags to riches. Some say, "Well you are from a well of family, just ask them for money.", to which I have to say... My mother and sister are well off. I myself am not. I have to make my own way. For that reason alone my mother has a reason to be proud. She has a son who has made it through some hard times, who had every reason to be headed to jail or worse. She also has a son who grew the fuck up and became a man, quickly.

Sometimes life can be a real bitch and it is usually a bitch to those who don't deserve it. Aunt Verna... you do not deserve what your children are doing to you. You deserve better than this and if no one else has said that to you... I am saying it to you.

-Daemian

P.S. Don't let me get word of anything else. Because if I do... Newark is going to shake, thats just how much damage I am going to do to those boys.

The Little Things

2008-01-23T20:25:00.001-05:00

Sometimes something as small as a movie can at least make you forget. Something as small as a movie can help you remember. I have played a lot of heavies in my days of acting. I have always wanted to play one heavy in particular. Jareth.

"How you've turned my world you precious thing. You starve and near exhaust me. Everything I've done, I've done for you. I move the stars for no one. You've run so long you've run so far. Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel. Tho I do believe in you. Yes I do. Life without the sunlight, love without a heartbeat. I... can't live within you."

or better

"I have been generous up til now. I gave you everything you wanted. Everything! You asked that the baby be taken and I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down and I have done it all for you! It's exhausting living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?"

ooh ooh ooh even better

"Stop. Wait. Look Sarah. Look what I'm offering you... your dreams. I ask for so little, just let me rule you and you can have everything you want. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."

All from the same sequence and for once it's something in a heavy I can relate to. Eerie.

But I am feeling better. These things come in waves, I just have to re-center myself.

It's only forever. Which is not long at all.

-Daemian

Meds...

2008-01-23T18:38:00.001-05:00

I have not taken an anti-depressent in roughly 7 years. I learned how to control things. My mind, my emotions etc... recognition is 75% of the battle. Once you learn to recognize the signs and the behavior one can take steps to curb it.

I have been victim to my own mind since I was a child. I may have mentioned in a previous post that I am prone to bouts of depression. I am. I have some insane highs and insane lows. I had gotten so used to recognizing it that I was able to just stop... breath... think and move on. I got into the habit of calling it "moody"... as I am also prone to mood swings.

I have been doing very well without the meds. But as of late I have been steadily losing control. Where I could once keep myself from tail spinning and spiraling out of control , I find that more and more I am spiraling faster and faster. Unable to control my own mind or my own feelings. This could be in part to my being lonely. I am not used to being alone... never have been. But I don't know. On one hand I hated the meds. They kept me from feeling. Being an emotional creature not feeling is unacceptable. On the other hand... they kept me sane and clear.

Do I go back on the meds, leaving myself emotionally barren? Do I find a way to become a stronger person spiritually and mentally to get myself back in check? Both of those options hold some hope and promise. It's now about getting over being indecisive and choosing a path and praying it works. I wish I had a buddhist temple to go to around here. That was so very helpful. Having a calm soothing place to go. Having great supporters and teachers that showed me how to calm myself, my mind and my spirit. I feel broken right now and I don't know what to do about it. God... I am even having a Ricky moment, I am crying and I don't know why. I know what it doesn't have to do with... I don't know what it does have to do with. I just felt like crying. What am I? On my period or something?

Well.. before I short circuit my laptop....

ciao

-D

Ugh...

2008-01-23T15:29:00.001-05:00

Well I have got to stop going to Blu on my time off. I end up doing shit for nothing there. I am almost bored with the clientele which is making Blu more of a job. Which is fine I guess... it is what it is meant to be.

I am realizing how boring to myself I am. So thats not fun.

I guess until I get a car or a man (yeah good luck on that. So far all I have found are boys.) I am doomed to spend my days and nights looking at these 4 walls. Almost feels like I put myself in a prison until Spring comes. At least when Spring is sprung I can walk around the city and not suffer hypothermia. I can't stand this no car thing. I mean c'mon... no real mass transit system to speak of either... it's drive or be trapped. I can't even get a decent dayjob doing what I am trained to do without a frikkin car.

Yes the Bear and Mr.Thursday... they were fun, but unfulfilling. Maybe becoming a man of the cloth is in order. LOL. Could you picture that... if I don't like boys now.. I don't think priesthood is for me. LOL. Should I just go back to my voluntary drought? It at least made me a tad bit interesting. I mean like I said they were fun... but ultimately unfulfilling. Did I feel great? Yes.... Did I feel empty after? No. But is that what I want? Sex with fuck buddies that don't go anywhere because all it is... is sex? No. Maybe I should look at it as... I had my fun with two hotties... got reassurance that it is fun but still not what I am looking for. Maybe a voluntary drought is just what I need. As if 10yrs with Mike wasn't drought enough right? LOL.

Difficult indeed. But I'll make it. I have to. Just wish I didn't have to do it alone. I need a fucking cheerleader or something.

-Daemian

Along Came a Bear...

2008-01-21T16:01:00.001-05:00

warning: The following post is once again about gay sex. If you don't like it you are reading the wrong blog.

Yes bitches... I am a whore. OMG. Well if it is any consolation I didn't pick this one up at the club. I was out this morning buying a meat pie and noticed this cute bear looking at me but not looking. Curiously we'd end up in the same isle as I was trying to find the drinks and such. Apparently he was in Worcester for the weekend, saw me last night at Blu thought I was hot and that it was rather bizzare seeing me in public. He lives in CT, his name is Johnathan and he is 42 cute as hell and a bear. Not too big... not too small... taller than me and a genuinely nice guy.

So we sat down, ate food and talked. The conversation was great. He was funny, I was funny we had a damn good convo. Then in the middle of the conversation I noticed he was just looking at me with a smile. I stop with my verbal diarhea and return the look. He then says I am a very sexy guy, though he guessed my age at 35yo, and was shocked when I told him I was only 28 and must be a baby to him. We talked some more and then numbers got exchanged. I told him my ex was 41 so 42 does not bother me but that I was looking to date guys within the age range of 28 - 36. He looked disappointed... at which time I then looked him in the eyes and said.. that doesn't mean we couldn't be friends or other things...

He knew exactly what I meant. I asked him iff he wanted to finish his coffee at my place. You know he agreed. So we come back to my place, sit at the table and continue our conversation. He then reaches over and strokes my hand. Gently. I am a sucker for a gentle bear. I lean across the table and kiss him. Spur of the moment and it works. Next thing I know we are making out with the table between us. I then get that urge. So I let go, walk around to the other side of the table, grab him by the back of his head and force our mouths together. It hurts but oh so nicely. The air in the room is magic and the fire in my lungs long for release. He then grabs my cock and I know what he wants. Which is just fine because I want it too.

I circle behind him and lead him to my room using the hard cock pressing against my jeans. We make it into my room and the clothe fly off and while I am standing there he takes my cock to the balls into his mouth. This fucker is hot and all I can do is surrender to him. He pushes me onto my bed and continues to go to town on my groin. This guy sucks dick like an experienced man aught to. I can tell he is hot for me and I am hot for him and the swelling in my dick is evidence enough of it.

Then he does what I love. He straddled me. He leaned in to kiss me and I pull him down. Deep, hard, long kissing. His lips are fantastic and his tongue is talented. I reach over to the stool on the side of my bed, grab a condom and some lube and hand them to him. He puts it on me and slides me into his ass. Tight and warm... he said he hadn't been fucked in a long time so we have to take it slow. I told him to take it as slow as he needs. Well that lasted for all of 2 minutes. Next thing I know he grabs my headboard and starts to gyrate up and down on me. He feels amazing and smells the way I expect a man to smell. The taste of his sweat and the feeling of his furry chest against me send my head into outerspace. He pumps and sweats and growls and howls. Then he cums. Wow... I love it when a bottom cums while I am inside of them. But he doesn't stop. He knows I didn't cum and he was aching for more. So he continued to ride and stay hard for me. I lean forward and swallow his cock while he is still riding. He shivers and next thing I know he cums again... this time he squeezes his ass hard enough to damn near snap my cock in half. This time I cum... and hard. I can feel him shiver from the inside.

After we cleaned up we layed there naked and talking. It was amazing actually. The depth and level on which we were able to talk about anything. We had the simple conversations about Project Runway and we had deeper conversations about people and their modes of being. I had a great time with a great guy.

The only bad thing is his age. I have already done the 13 years older than me thing. I don't want to revisit. I want to be with someone I can grow old with not someone who I have to watch grow old as I lag behind. Hence why I am restricing any dating prospects to my age or 8 years older. 8 seems like a good number to go above my age with. It keeps us in similar decades. :P

I am aware that my posts are becoming more... slutty. But such is the life of a single, very horny, gay man. I am enjoying myself to a degree. I do still want that someone to hold at night that will hold me in return. Perhaps when the games are over I will have that someone. Yeah I know, we all hate games me especially but Carl hasn't lost me... yet.

Til my next trist chulos...

-Daemian

What the Hell Am I Gonna Do Now?

2008-01-19T18:54:00.001-05:00

I am insanely horny. I have to work tonight. I don't wanna hook up in front of Carl. What the hell am I gonna do now? Calgon... take me away!

-Daemian

One other thing...

2008-01-19T15:05:00.002-05:00

I know I said before that I could not be friends with someone I felt something for. Well in the spirit of not being held down by who I used to be... I think I can be friends with someone I have feelings for. I have to at least try. Growth bitches...

-Daemian

A New Schedule, A New Outlook and an Oh Fuck Moment...

2008-01-19T11:59:00.001-05:00

So... I have worked officially all of 1 week at Blu and they have already got my schedule for the weekend booked! I love it! Friday, Saturday and Sunday I will be working security. It will be variable which security position I work. Some days I will be a floater, which I love. I get to walk around the club, flirt a little bit and see the shows. Some days I will be working the smoking area. In the winter it hurts a little bit because the smoking area is outside, but once again I get to mingle, be social and flirt without spending money. Some days I will be working the front door, like this Sunday I will be working the front door, which is nice on a Sunday because I don't have to deal with cash. I can sit there, be visible and flirt my ass of. Bad part is I miss the shows and I am pretty much stuck in the front... Sunday they do lip sync competitions and Lady Sabrina is the hostess with the mostess.

After my exciting encounter, as documented in my previous post, my outlook on things have changed. Funny enough I do still want Carl. I want him something bad, but I found I am able to curb that want and go for other wants while he decides his own fate. I could have had my choice of boys last night. There was this FUCKING hot Brazilian guy staring me down. I mean he undressed me, re-dressed me and undressed me again all with his eyes... all night long. This little Mexican guy walked in, and I don't get what is up with the little guys thinking they can handle all of this, and began to shake his ass just for me. I was almost tempted, but found that no... despite my addictive personality (which would make it very easy to get addicted to sex) I was able to be a good boy last night. I went home with no one and guess that kind of control over myself felt great. I guess it is a kind of control that 10yrs of marriage will train in you. After my last encounter, I tell you girls.. you will have to chisel the smile off of my face with a jackhammer after I am dead. All the negativity I was holding on to just melted away. So I feel great. There is something better for me out there. This is just the beginning.

I know, I know... I can hear you bitches now, "Well what the Oh Fuck Moment Ho?!?", and I will tell ya. My 'Oh Fuck Moment' was in realizing with all the blood back in my brain that I did hook up with this guy at the place I worked. Which means whoever was working that night knows I went home with someone else. Why? How? They know by now that I am a new bitch here that does not drive. So if I show up I am there until closing so I can hitch a ride with Danielle or Matty home. Well, when I wasn't there at the end of the night... they put 2 and 2 together and made 4. Not only did they get it... they talked about it. Even my new boss knew I went home with someone. Glad it is a gay club and it was my night off. Anyway... Carl worked last night with BOTH bartenders from my night of whorishness. Yeah... he heard about it. Oh fuck. At first I didn't care really because he was the one who told me to back off. But I could see it in his face he was not happy. He would put on a rather fake smile, I know what his smiles look like and the ones he gave me were fake, and pretend like he wasn't upset. I then realized, Carl is not the rock he portrays himself to be. He really does... or at least did... like me. What puzzles me is that the entire thing was all about how I need to go out and sow MY wild oats. How I am the one who needs more time. How I am the one who is not ready. In reality... none of those things were about me. They were about him. He is the one who is not ready, needs more time to sort his shit out.

Now I may have been having some serious blonde moments since I got here. Thankfully those are over. I may have just left a 10yr relationship. But give me some credit. I am not a moron or some child. I do know myself well enough to know the type of person I am. I know I can be a horny fuck. I know I can have my moments where for months on end I want it daily. I know that if I don't get my release I get grumpy. I know that I much rather have sex with someone I feel something for as well. Its when I am at my best sexually. I also know that I am a relationship oriented man. That if I find the guy who can put me in my place, not let me get away with murder, fuck me on a regular basis and make me feel like a king... I will be his for as long as I can hold on to him. I know that I am VERY affectionate and loving. I love nothing more than to be able to put my arms around someone and feel them respond positively. I want nothing more than to be able to come home, call someone tiger, kiss a long deep 'I missed you today' kiss... even if we have just been in separate rooms all day. I know I want someone to hold.

So I do have a big grip on what it is I want, who it is I was 10yrs ago, who it is I became in 10yrs time and who it is I am becoming. I won't be held down by who I used to be. But I won't toss those lessons I have learned either. So, as my hag in training and my mother said... take this as a sign that I need to whore it up a little bit longer... safely (thats my mothers addition). I am not going to be an asshole and throw it in Carls face by hooking up with guys right in front of him, thats just bad form knowing what I know... but I will try to take just 1 night a week at the club socially when he is not there and get my guys that way. I don't know how I feel about the whole hookup websites... thats just too damn scary. I do hope for Carls sake... and just because I really do like him... that I am single when he feels he is ready for me. I am an easy man to keep but I am a lot of man to deal with with.

Hmmm... I wonder when the next time I will see Christiano may be? I have been given the green light from Jaeryd. Maybe Christiano will be the next one on my list of Worcester Conquests! Language barrier may be a bit much to try and date him... but the language my groin speaks is universal.

-Daemian

First Night as a Completely Free Man!

2008-01-18T01:33:00.001-05:00

Warning: The following post is long and very dirty. If you don't like reading about gay sex... sweety come out. Please.

I know the title is a bit misleading. You bitches are thinking, "Hey I thought you was single?", well chulos.. I am single, I was single and I have been single since November. But and yes there is a but... I had someone in mind. A goal for which to focus on. That goal was someone with whom sex would have meaning. So I held off on going home with anyone. But if you read the last post you will have known that my focus pretty much said no. So I have been holding off on doing anything for an entire month in hopes of him. I wanted sex with meaning. But at this point... I just wanted to get laid. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed human contact. Hence the first night completely free of any ties.

I called Jaeryd because I was not only going stir crazy... I was hungry. Eating every other day is so bad for me and my work out. But hey it is lean times. So we go out to this great place where I had a steak burger. Fantastic at medium rare... despite the waitress saying they won't do it. Thanks babe. It was awesome. Jaeryd slipped me a twenty, which I am soo grateful for as I am a broke bitch, and I payed with my card.

We then went to his place where I got to discover Project Runaway. Just let me say this. Why is the cute one always straight? And why is watching Heidi Klum like watching the first AI develop? So damn robotic. The accent is cute tho. I watch I think 4 episodes... feels like 5 ... because Jaeryd records the episodes to DVD. Well I can' wait to watch the other discs. I know, I know chulos when is it going to get good... that part starts...right.... now.

Well I decided to go to Blu tonight after being at Jaeryd's for like 4 hours. It was the Hawaiian party and soooo few people actually showed up. Most of those who did were under the legal age to drink... which means they were too young for me to do anything with. So... a few beers and my hard cock in hand I decided that I was going to end this voluntary drought. I had so many fucking options. It was intense. To these kids I expected to be old... well it seems that as the new bear in town they all wanted a piece. I decided... nuh uh youngens this dick is reserved for someone with at least a few years of adult fucking experience.

Then fate happened. There was an influx of 25+ guys. Not all were thin! YAY! Even Christiano (one of Jaeryds friends) showed up all by his lonesome. To my surprise he even showed interest in me. Funny that. I knew I thought that of the few Brazilians Jaeryd introduced me to, Christiano was the closest to even being my type. I thought for a second... isn't this wrong? Shouldn't I not fuck one of my friends friends into an oblivion? So we flirted, we danced... of course I got stiff as a rock. But wait chulos... it gets better... he then made a big mistake... he grabbed my ass. Those who know me know the sign on my ass says 'Exit Only'. But I didn't hold it against him. He pulled me closer... and I thought... well he is nice enough... he's not a total stranger... this wouldn't be that slutty. Would it? Then fate threw me a curve ball.

This young, 25yo latin boy walks his ass into the fucking club. Now to this point aside from my hardon Christiano had no other sign of anything other than friendship. Then I thought well the 25yo wouldn't be interested in a bear like me. not that he was skinny... but just didn't strike me as one who would be interested in a guy like me. I also began to come to my senses as the blood traveled back to my brain. I can't fuck Christiano. That would just be bad in so many ways. So I decided against it.

Then Adam, not my co-worker but this small and I mean small black guy who came with a str8 friend from work. LOL. He insisted that I come and dance. So of course... feeling self defeated I decided to go an dance. Dancing does something to me. Even if I am just standing at the rail doing my slutty dance. It just makes me feel better. I can be sensuous, seductive, graceful and sexy. So as I lose myself in the dancing I notice the 25yo dancing and watching me. All I could see was him rolling his ass around and doing a damn good job at it. I was getting stiff just watching him. He would peer over his shoulder at me. So much so that I had to figure out if it was really me he was looking at or someone behind me. Well the only thing behind me was the wall. So yeah.. he was looking at me. I then notice he said something to Christiano... and even looked like Christiano a little bit. I could then see they were not speaking English. OMG... I am being hit on by a hot ass dancing Brazilian. I notice he then looks over to me... then both look. Then he walks over to me. He walks over, gets in close then asks if he can kiss me. I nodded my head and the boy went for it. I love kissing, I know for a fact I am a damn good kisser, and this kid did it like a pro. All this did was get me raging stiff. Remember... I am horny as fuck and this hot ass 25yo Brazilian is all over me. He then grabs my cock and says... verbatim... "I have been watching you since you came here 2 weeks ago. I hope you are a top because I have a feeling I would WANT to be with you tonight. Yer a very handsome, cute guy. I loved the beard but this is much cuter (I shaved my face today. Styled dat shit!), I bet it would feel good on my chest.". I shit you not... boy was bold. He asked me if I lived close, I do. He asked if he could give me a ride home... I said yes. At this point I am freaking. So I run to the mens room, grab a couple of packs of condoms and then sprint to the front so I could tell Daneille that I would not be needing a ride home.

We walk to his car... the entire time I am watching his ass. In the car we make small talk. Turns out he is also from New York City. Wow... a frame of reference. We swap maybe 2 fast stories of what we miss and what we don't miss about New York and the subject quickly jumps to my cock. He asks how big is it because when he felt it while kissing me and wondered if he could even take it all. I then say to him, (I don't mind you bitches knowing these details, I'm a single man... no need to dance around it).. so yeah I said to him, don't worry it's only 8.5 inches... 9 if you give good head. Yes bitches I said it. I know I am such a whore. He looks at me as if I just said he won a million fucking dollars. Then a very gaaaayyyy 'ONLY!". I told him he will be fine and put his hand right where I knew he wanted it to be. All of this happens on the very short ride from Blu to my place. And I thank God my roommates are cool with my being gay and wanting to get laid. I just have to not wake them up.

So we get into my place and this guy is quiet as a mouse. Turns out he went to Guilliard for dancing. OMG.. I landed a fucking dancer. We get to my room and I turn on iTunes to play something... appropriate. A little Massive Attack, some Bjork and finish with the Nine Inch Nails concept album. Dramatic and sets a good pace. Trust me. So I turn around and he is already naked in my bed hard as a brick. And he is hard for me. I felt like a hot guy for the first time in a long time. I mean he was 25yo... I never expect guys younger than me or even my age to be into someone like me. But sure enough... there he was. Not even a little drunk... and he was that fuckin hot, just for me. I felt incredible.

I quickly shed my clothes.. even took off my t-shirt. (I have not been comfortable enough with myself to be seen totally nude in 10yrs.) Thats right... something I could never do for Mike I just did. I was completely nude and he looked ravenous. Like I was a prize. I gave him my steely, I am gonna make you hollar look and it just made him squirm in anticipation. I didn't know I could still do that. I come to the side of the bed and he leans his head over the edge. The moment I was close enough he grabbed my member and began going at it like it contained the cure to cancer. Man, than rolling of the tongue thing he does while speaking Portuguese he can not only do while kissing but also while blowing me. He even gagged a little as he attempted the full length. Girls this is better than a Daneille Steele novel. He gets me going something insane. Then I felt something I have never felt before. I felt very aggressive... by my own accord. Not as a command, but as if I was just so damn wound up that I knew I was going to try and break this boy. So while he is blowing me I bend forward and began to go at his own member. This only made him more crazy. I almost came. But muahahahaha.. I did learn a trick or two in ten years... I learned how to do tantric... cum without cumming. So that was my first blown load that didn't go. My problem is I can only do it once in a session. But it makes it last a long fuckin time.

He then takes me out and says the best possible thing he could have said to me. He said, "I wanna ride you!". Yes bitches... he said it. Well I take forever to cum when being ridden... which is why I like it. This boy gets on... slides down slowly and I can see he hurts.. but he doesn't care. He was determined to take me in there... all of me. My heart rate was through the roof at this point. I can feel a thousand negative emotions just drip off of me as I start to sweat. I feel alive. I'm fucking alive! He finally settles on my cock and the look on his face is one of pure ecstacy. I then tighten my perenium making my dick swell. Did he feel it? I do it again... harder this time... yeah he feels it. I hit cloud 9 just knowing I am rocking this kids ass and he is loving it. I then begin to pound from beneath... slowly for about a minute. Following the rythm of the music I give him the 1st level of the Bull Machine. Then song changes and that is my cue. I go from slow.. immediately to a fast hard pump. Yeah this kid is diggin it. We do this throught the entire Massive Attack album. The kid almost cums twice. I had to stop for a minute or two. He of of course did not get off. Then as the Nine Inch Nails album starts he begins to pound himself on me... damn I feel great. He feels great.

Then he says, "Doggies pai." and gets off and bends over. His sweat mixed with mine creates a funk in the room that is electric! This only makes me that much harder... that much more aggressive. I know I need to get off before we break this bed. He hit his head against the metal head bored a few times as I pound and ground and drove in as deep as I could. I tell him I am about to cum as I feverishly pound this poor young guy. He almost cums instantly upon my saying it and lets out a hushed yet very audible scream. I pound for another minute and unload into that condom. A few spasms later and we are laying there. He tells me he had fun. Gets up. Gets dressed and says he has to drive home, but offers to sleep here. I tell him I don't want to freak my roommate out early in the morning when some stranger is exiting the bathroom. He understands and gets dressed. All the while staring at me. I think he likes me a little more than I intended. The fucked up part is that he does go to the club and... well... I work there.

Still... I don't feel empty.. or lonely... or wrong. I feel... I feel... absolutely fabulous! I can't believe I made that kid cum so hard. I can't believe I just slept with someone who is a dancer by training. Flexible. Good hip movement. I feel like a fucking stud. Now to hope that when he tells the same story, it is close to my side.

So here it is 3:14am(thats right... didn't take me long at the club to do this)... I am writing this blog and feeling like I need to sleep and like a million fuckin bucks. Maybe this will set a different tone in my day to day activities. Like maybe start planning my next website as I get closer to finishing Leviathanelectronics.com. Wow... just wow. I had a successful night out as me... not as who I pretend to be. Confidence... check!

Hope you enjoyed my retelling of my night. So glad it happened... I can't make this type of shit up. I need to sleep now.

Later Chulos!

-Daemian

A Swing and A Miss...

2008-01-17T14:41:00.001-05:00

Well Carl and I had our date. Well I knew we were in trouble the minute he suggested we go to Blu. I knew we were in further trouble when he said, 'It's not a date, it's a get together.'. I knew it was done when he said, 'I don't want to lead you on.'.

Is it obvious I like the guy? Yes. But why does it keep turning into 'I'm not ready for a relationship?'. I mean I wanted a proper date, time to get to know who he really is and if I even want to be bothered. But of course I allowed myself to be bullied into that spot and didn't protest, I just sat there... smiled as best I could and took it. He says he is not ready. Thats fine and all, but I have a very basic belief that you fight for what you want. You do whatever it takes to get yourself in a position to get what you want. Well not everyone feels the same way. Instead I get told to take a step back, leaving me feeling like it was never about anything more than sex to him. He even goes as far as saying, 'If I had sex with you then at the club you see me flirting and going home with someone else it would piss you off.', so nope didn't even get laid. A lot of, 'As attractive as you are', got thrown around. I guess to take the sting out of it. At one point I had to ask him to stop saying it. Could it have been any more rehearsed?

Oh well, it was a thwarted intention. He wants me to be his friend because friends have a possibility of being lovers. Problem is I am not wired that way. I can not be friends with someone I have feelings for. It is just not something I am capable of. I don't even know how. I spent the rest of the night drinking beer, listening to the old queens tell stories and giving Carl his space. He can keep the chain I gave him with the key. He can keep it as a reminder that someone who was real gave him a chance. All I can really do I guess is be polite. Say hi when I see him. Make small talk when he makes it. I may not be a happy panda right now but I do still like him.

Now this leaves me in a quandary. I am horny as fuck, the person I was waiting for pretty much told me to fuck off. I am not going to start fucking the entire town. Hell most of these guys I have seen so far I wouldn't let suck my dick. How do I meet people? I mean... you put me in front of a computer and meeting people becomes really easy. You never run out of things to say because you have the time to think and then type. But I want to try more traditional means of meeting people. Tho I don't quite know how. I mean I don't have any interesting stories to tell. Maybe I need a learning annex course on making friends and being personable. Really I guess my hard time is that I am waiting to be approached. Anytime I approach someone my conversation dies after , "Hi I'm Lance. You having a good night?". I do better if I am introduced. At least a mutual friend makes a mutual point of interest. I do better in a one on one setting. I am always so self conscious about people being able to hear my conversation.

I know, I know.. don't be so this or don't be so that. Easier said than done when it is simply part of who you are.

Back to the drawing board.

-Daemian

I Aint Nothin' But A Horn Dog...

2008-01-16T15:30:00.001-05:00

and man am I barking!! I went to do my laundry and got turned on by my own underwear. Aint that some shit right there?

Funny thing is I should be used to going without sex for long periods of time. But now that the chains are off my body is just in a testosterone induced overdrive. I would almost give a troll the time of day.... eeewwwwwww. I don't know what I am going to do about this. It makes me aggressive... like a hungry vegetarian. So of course all I can think about is ass and anyone who gets in the way is bound to get hurt. So shocked my brown eyes have not turned white.

So yeah... that's it.. just horny. Nothing else interesting to talk about.

-Daemian

The Overlooked...

2008-01-15T11:26:00.001-05:00

A lot has happened since I moved here and a lot has not happened. So far I have overlooked some of the basics of my new life in my posts. I have to thank Jaeryd for keeping me grounded. Even when I don't want to admit it and I know it frustrates him... he has gotten me to admit it. Truth be told, this is why I love him. None of my other friends have ever been able to get me to stop, take a look at what I am doing, admit my folley and come back down. The man has a gift. Not even my ex could get me to admit things I do not wish to admit to or see. I am very thankful to have made such a friend. Three years of mostly an online friendship has given me the older brother influence I never got to have and until now... never knew I missed. So, thank you Jaeryd for being there for me.

So, back to things overlooked. I have been so busy obsessing over events, people and places that I have forgotten to talk about the generalities and fun I have had. Jaeryd and I have gone out to eat a few times so far. It has always been great! We went to this Brazilian grill the other night. I could not eat a lot of the stuff they had as sides because they had a legume of some kind in it. So I ended up eating white rice, some great french fries (they didn't need ketchup) and pork ribs. Of course given that I ate earlier I wasn't all that hungry so I ended up bringing the ribs n stuff home. Even microwaved the food was off the hook. Unfortunately my days of eating out must end. I simply can not afford it. But it was good while it lasted.

I have worked my first weekend at Blu. Believe it or not, I had a good time. At work... what the fuck? Yes chulos at work. I mean I get to socialize, be at the club, listen to the music, hear or even see the contests and what not. But it is a lot of work if you are not working the smoking area. The smoking area is easy. You just stand back there and people tend to behave... at least for me they did. Working floater is a lot of work but, I think, the most fun. You basically walk around the club, looking at peoples hands for drinks and their mark. An 'X' on both hands means the person is underage and cannot drink. A colored bracelet means the patron is 21+ and can drink. So you look for X's with alcohol in their hands. One sip and they have to leave, along with the person that gave it to him. Try to locate the patrons that are waaaayyyy too drunk, inform the batenders that they are not have any more alcohol and escort them out if they get rowdy. Even tho I was told I didn't have to unless asked, I still walk around and pick up bottles and empty glasses to return to the bar. But the walking around you get to meet people, talk maybe an occassional shake of the ass as you pass through. It can be fun. This Saturday I start training on working the front door. I both look forward to it and dread it. I have seen just how nuts it can get when closing time comes and people are drunk and trying to swarm the front to get their coats. But I look forward to being a prominent 'Don't start no shit' front door man.

There are a lot of cuties that come to the club. There was this one bear... OMG, he is so cute. He wants someone else that works at the bar, so I keep my flirting to a minimum. There is a whole drama around it tho that I ended up playing sympathetic ear and advice giver to the cute bear. I don't screw with peoples emotions or any shit like that, so my advice was intentionally free of my attraction. I gave him the advice I would give to anyone. He felt better after our short talk and I had to go back to my rounds.

The Cabaret Show was awesome. I even got my head put in some Drag titties, courtesy of Lady Sabrina ! It was classic cabaret with a few oh so slutty twists. Watching the Bartender and the Shot Girl do all but fuck on stage was interesting. I still think she turned him on a little bit. Ha! I was feeling my mistake. I won't say what it was, as a bouncer I don't think I should divulge that information, but lets just say it hurt and got worse as the show went on. During the intermission I had two strong Captain w/Coke within a space of maybe 5 minutes. Well, lets say the pain was just a minor nuissance. I ended up staying after the show and helping out around the club. The pain would come back every so often but I'm fine.

I hadn't gotten much done website wise. Been posting stuff on eBay. The part that sucks is that the inventory changes daily. So it takes me longer to get to new stuff. So the project is just taking longer than I expected. I guess I have to swallow my pride and accept my mothers help. I have always had to do it myself. It is not easy to have to ask mom for help. Then again, who said starting over was easy?

Til next time chulos!

-Daemian

May You Live In Interesting Times.

2008-01-14T15:42:00.001-05:00

Ok... I am a little stoned, courtesy of D-Baby... girl I love you, so this post may get a tad random. So be warned. It is also a very, VERY personal post. I am glad to be able to share it. I don't think I have on my blog before.

Someone once told me of an old Chinese curse. May you live in interesting times. On the surface that doesn't all too bad. Who wouldn't want to live an interesting life? It is our optimism that downplays this curse. But the curse is two fold and contradictory. You see, interesting times as it was thought of in the curse is something akin to those who survived the events of 9/11. It was a tremendous tragedy. I was supposed to be there that day. If I were, I would surely be dead. If I had to witness it and survive it, regardless of the great loss it is none the less interesting. So in essence the curse is one that will have bad events happen to you... constantly. With no balance, you know... the good times and the bad.

But here in lies the contradiction. 9/11 is an extreme example. But lets tone it down and make it more interesting. Say that you are one that is cursed. Even though the events that occur are not pleasant, you do come out of it alive and the events themselves may be spectacular... even in their horror. But you survived every single one. So not only have you lived an interesting life, the content of your character and your inner strength can grow 10 fold.

So is it really a curse after all? You can argue yes, the events are tragic and no one should be subject to such things. You can argue no. That which does not kill you makes you stronger and you should be so blessed to really have your character and inner strength tested in such a way to inspire a dramatic breakthrough. A break through that some people wait their entire lives for and never achieve, not even at their moment of expiration.

Why the fuck am I talking about an old Chinese curse?

I have been thinking about the events of my life on a whole. I have had to endure some of the most horrible things imaginable by most who have not had to deal with such things. From the moment of birth my life has been interesting. I came into this world in an interesting way. Not everything in my life has been interesting in a negative way. I think I must be carrying the curse over from a past life. Hokey I know, but also remember I am a Buddhist. Reincarnation and Karma are not strangers to me. I also think I must have gained some fantastic inner strength and the gift of luck from that past. I always manage to come out ok and in a better position.

Take my birth for instance. It was very interesting. Interesting in that I almost killed myself and my mother during the delivery. Somehow, and they don't know how, I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. An emergency C section had to be performed as I was choking myself to death before the actual labor started. This also caused my mother to stop breathing and for a moment her heart stopped under the intensity of her blood pressure. But, I came out of it ok. I had tubes in my head and what not, my mothers recovery was long and difficult. But we came out of it... together. I think that is a key moment right there. That is where our relationship started. We came out of it together. She has never once really made me feel she was not proud of me. Nor not happy with me or not pleased that I was her son. She was always there. I had the strength given to me the moment we came out of it ok to fight. Inner Strength is the first gift I was given to combat the curse.

Fast forward a couple of years. Mom is not with dad. Dad denies I exist. My world is both rocked and calmed by the birth of my sister. An alcoholic threatens to destroy all that was me.
On the surface, once again these events sound not so great but one. A big one is dad not being there. My mother can raise me but she cannot show me how to be a man. That is something I think all boys need. Boys need to have a father. This tore me apart. The man who helped make me did not want to acknowledge I existed. Imagine that for one moment. What would knowing who your father is. Where your father is. Knowing you have other siblings out there... and having him not acknowledge you exist. Never come over, no happy birthday cards, no Christmas cards no help buying your first car, no father to son birds and the bees talk, no one to show you how to defend yourself, no one to throw a ball with, no father to see you play football or rugby or hockey. Yeah, that really can destroy your sense of self. Your sense of who you are and where you came from. But I survived. Not only did I survive, I beat the odds and turned out better than the children he claimd. How is that possible? Definitely an interest plot so far, even though it is tragic. This is only one background factor to a sum. I came out of it, during that time I learned that not only had I a gift of inner strength... I realized my gift of intellect. That intellect let me turn the situation around. Turn a negative into a positive. I knew that I was going to show him one day. I am going to be smarter than his others. I am going to play sports better than his others, I was going to treat my women (yes you heard me) better than his others. Tragic, interesting and contradictory.

The alcoholic was a HUGE piece of the interesting times I have been living. My mother fell in love.. with an alcoholic. Allen Brown. This man was someone who when sober was great. He was funny, he loved RC Cars he had a great voice. He could have been or done anything he wanted to do. But he had a higher power to answer to. That was booze. Now the key words here are "when he was sober". Problem is, he was never sober. When he was drunk he was a nasty, disgusting, verbally abusiv and violent drunk. The violence inflicted upon my mother and myself scarred me. My inner strength had failed me.... or so I thought.The wound that is now a scar took a lot of doing to heal. In fact the wound threatened my life. My sister was luckily not harmed in any of this except in the fact that she had to bear witness. You see sometimes a straw really can break a camels back and I broke. I was broken for a very long time. I had all of this pent up emotional shit. I was not always so open. I had withdrawn into myself. All I felt was cold and hate. I hated him and was too small for so long to be able to do anything about it. This made me act out in increasingly more hostile ways. My pet peeve was a bully. I would take on any bully that had the audacity to pick on someone smaller. I was constantly fighting until I became a bully myself. One slight twoards me meant a punch in the nose... then a broken nose. The worst I have ever done to someone was break their arm using my car door because he kicked my car. I was out of control. After going through an anger management program I learned to control my anger but I never saw the point. I was unhappy and there was no point to not harming myself. So I did. I emotionally scarred myself. I was sleeping with a lot of different guys (I always used protection... I wasn't that damn nuts) which only made me feel bad. I was out there just being a complete ass. Once I saw the abuse I put myself through my gift of inner strength sparked back into action. I began to use my intellect again. I began to change my life. Though it was a struggle... one more infraction and I was sure to either be in jail or dead at the age of 18. Interesting times indeed.

I had a light at the end of the tunnel. I met someone. The same someone whom I had to let go. His virtue is that he showed me that it was possible to be happy. My gift of luck was starting to shine through. Because it was sheer dumb luck that we met. He made me feel it was ok to let someone get close to me. That I was not going to be hurt. With a little love my wounds healed. I curbed my behavior... I had a reason to. My life got better. I built an entirely new life from scratch. One in which I loved and lived and provided for. Life can be great. But then we get complacent and forget the struggles we had to endure to get to where we are. We become smug basking in the opulence that life can be. I was no longer bound for jail or death. I was no longer feeling the need to be violent. I learned to control it. My inner strength shown through. It enabled me to learn self control. To let my feelings out. It changed who I was. I once again came out of it ok. Better than I was before.

But all things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever. He and I ended. What seem like a great tragedy is so far the biggest gift. We ended but I am ok. Not just ok... 10 yrs of life altering time. I am not the same person I Was before. I am so much better with so much more to offer. I finally feel good enough. I am starting from scratch, but guess what.... I have done it before I know I can do it again. I feel damn good about that. I know I am strong enough and good enough and loving enough. I am in love with me!

So is it really a curse to have to live in interesting times? If I had to give an honest answer I would say. No it is not a curse, it is the most difficult of blessings. So whoever cursed me in a past life, I thank you. It is at this moment, I feel my upcoming interesting times are going to be positive. I think I used up all the negative.

Thanks for reading this long ass post.

- Daemian

Oh My God...

2008-01-10T18:20:00.001-05:00

OMG, omg, omg, omg, omg.... C called at like 5:30pm yesterday. I was taking an unforeseen nap. Sorta tired myself out, after a month of being a bad gymbear it was a tad bit of a shock to the system to work out the way I had. So any how, C called and we had a great conversation. He was sort of self conscious about his nose (infection that is healing) so he didn't really want to come out. Understandable... I can be the same way. But at least he did call.

We cleared the air between the two of us. There has been so much hype around he and I that sort of got out of hand. Mind you we have not done anything with each other. So I had to make it clear that I was not asking for his hand in marriage. That all I wanted was a proper quiet date. You know... dinner and a movie. Neither of us are looking to rush into anything. We did have a fun conversation after that was out of the way. I hope we can do something on his next day off.

In terms of how am I feeling... I feel strangely good. I mean, I am slowly getting poorer... but I have survived worse. I figured that if I can pull 4 shifts a week, by the end of the month every month I will have made enough to pay my rent, buy food etc... and let any funds I get from sales accumulate. Speaking of sales, Our internet access has been really flaky for some reason. First it was their DNS servers and now it is something else. I don't know if it is the weather or what. But we can't even get a proper IP address assigned. What the hell, from what I have been told they have never had problems like this. I know the net was working at 10:30am for that was the last email I got. After that it seems to have just died. Very frustrating. How am I able to post this you ask? Easy... my laptop has wi-fi and this triple decker has other people in it using wi-fi. So I am basically borrowing a cup of bandwidth. I hope my arrival has not somehow damaged the time space internet continuum in this apartment.

-Daemian

OMG... Another 3 Posts in One Day Phenom!

2008-01-10T11:48:00.001-05:00

Yes Chulos... 3 posts in one day... again! I haven't had this happen since my first post on blogger when I switched over from LiveJournal.

I just felt a need to post this. In a way I sort of feel like I may not want to try to quit smoking again just yet, but at the same time I feel like 'Hey no better time than the present!'.

So, I have a few smokes left in my pack and thought about just trying to drop it cold turkey. It is about as expensive to quit as it is to smoke with one exception. If you can successfully quit, the money that goes into quiting stops. While if you continue to smoke, the money that goes into smoking just continues. Then of course I have to keep in mind what we have learned from previous attempts to quit smoking. I have to set a quit date, I have to load up on gum and pot (LOL... takes the edge off) and I have to get into my 'stubborn' mindset.

So lets see... I want to have one last weekend of smoking and drinking fun... so how about this coming Monday? Can I handle working around smokers? I will eventually I have to work back door etc and have to deal with the smokers in the smoking area. Can I handle being friends with people who smoke? Tune in next week for the next dramatic episode of... 'To Stop A Smoker".

I drank so much this past week... I had to do a re-hydration routine. I have been drinking 9 - 12 glasses of water for the past 2 days. Urine is almost clear... meaning the crap I drank is just about out of my system. I avoid taking vitamins during a re-hydration so I am not fooled by the vitamins coloring. If I do go out tonight I think it will have to be under the influence of drinking Cranberry and Seltzer (looks like you are drinking a vodka and cran... so I don't have to look like a prude). Been going out at night trying to get used to a night lifestyle. Given my concentration is on working at night and trying desperately to get my business started during the day, it feels appropriate to just live at night. I may check out the 'MB' if I can figure out where the fuck it is. It is allegedly a good place to meet bears. Some eye candy wouldn't hurt right about now. But yeah whether I have to work or not I need to go out get my internal clock readjusted. Shit some really dense curtains to block out the light would help too.

I also wanted to thank you chulos for all of the emails and well wishes. I wish some of you would frikkin post them in the comments section, but hell I'll take it anyway I can get it. For those of you that have given me reason to have an inflated ego... thank you! LOL. I do enjoy reading about people thinking I am hot and interesting. Some of you... nice cock pics.. but c'mon... I'm a top. To those giving me contact info because you want a date, thank you but right now is not the best time. For 2 reasons, I can only concentrate on myself and 1 person at a time. But hey if it doesn't work out... maybe I will be on a date with one or two of you. Reason 2... I really like the one I am shooting for. Poohbear you are a sweetheart, don't let anyone else tell you differently. Yancopin, sweetie... I miss listening to you play the piano. Such great talent, you probably could have had me if you tried harder. :P Jaeryd, I think a big thank you and a bear hug (which I will give you next time I see you) should say it all. Especially given that you actually post in my frikkin comments area. Don't know what is with these guys. :-) Imin2bears... churl.. you better be careful of what you ask of me. You just might get it, then you'll be sprung. Bruce... my southern Louisiana gentleman, I am sorry I did not say good bye before I left. You were one of my first friends in NYC when I moved there. I do appreciate that you keep up on my blog and that you understand the hows and whys. You have been an insider in the relationship almost from day one. I had to leave before you got back and you know I wasn't about to fly to Amsterdam just to say goodbye to you on your vacation. Come up and visit tho.

Ok.. I think that is all the thank yous I need to give. If I missed anyone... shoot me. :P

-Daemian

Getting Back Into The Old Routine... Just a Bit Different!

2008-01-10T10:47:00.001-05:00

Well, I have no way to get to the NYSC that is in Boston. Won't have a way for a while. SO I had to cancel the membership. This makes Daemian a sad panda. :( But all hope is not lost... oh no. I learned something VERY valuable from my old trainer, whom by the way was so hot that most times I just watched his mouth move. That valuable something is that EVERYWHERE is your gym. There are ways to build strength and muscle that can never be taken away from you.

Push ups, sit ups, leg extensions on the bed, using 2 chairs for dips, use your stairs for cardio, get some weights. Well I got up this morning... made my blog post then started my routine. I had 2 glasses of water, did my push ups, my sit ups my dips. I have got to get my hands on some free weights. While I feel good after having done a few sets I feel the need to use weights. Why do I feel so fucking good today? Sleep, exercise, a clear mind... now I need some protein. Write to you chulos later!

-Daemian

Overthinking, a Good Nights Sleep and Internet Glee...

2008-01-10T00:04:00.001-05:00

(This is a massive edit to the original post)

I do tend to over think, over evaluate, over everything a situation and my actions. I don't like 'not knowing'. I don't like 'not being sure'. It's what makes me a bad gambler... I simply won't make the 'bet' if I do not think the odds are in my favor by some huge amount.

Then I make a choice, but of course... once I make a choice I have to sit down and figure the odds of it being the correct thing to do.

C and I made plans to have him come over and check out the room and a movie today. I don't think he will show up tho. I may have, in the cloud my mind has been in lately, scared him off. No hard feelings of course, just thwarted intentions. I don't think I will call him, he's a big boy. I can only hope that I get lucky and lightning strikes twice for me. I will just have to wait and see.

A good nights sleep can sometimes clear your mind of a lot of fog. Since I got here I have not had a good nights/days sleep. It's been really cold in my room and I only had a fucking sheet. Well my 'Hag in Training' gained some gigantic brownie points. She gave me a blanket and my oh my does this thing get me toastie. So last night I actually slept all the way through the night. Can sleep dep. make you insane and lose focus? I say yes. I lost focus of a lot and after having slept through the night finally without the shivers waking me up every 10 - 15 minutes... I feel lik eI have regained that focus. I feel energized. Ready to take on just about anything. Amazing what letting your mind and body rest, recuperate and rebuild can do for you.

During the course of this blog you guys have seen that I reference the past 2 years of my life as a journey of self discovery. That I had re-embraced my eastern childhood lessons and was finding myself. Well ever since I broke up with Mike (sleep dep making it worse) I had lost sight of that. I hadn't given myself the credit I was due. I failed to recognize that in the past 2 years I discovered who I am. That in discovering who I am I learned to love myself. In learning to love myself I saw I had to end my unhealthy relationship. In ending my unhealthy relationship I almost lost sight of 2 years worth of work. In revitalizing my mind I have regained my focus and clarity. I came a long way in 2 years and took a huge leap in going on 2 months. I am confident that I know who I am and what I am about. I hadn't given myself enough credit. Well I am giving myself that credit now. The pat on the back I fucking deserve.

Well, I slept... I slept well. I feel good. I have regained my focus. Sober and all. Jaeryd is right in a sense. I don't need someone in my life... I want someone in my life. In the past 2 years (journey of self) I have learned a lot. One thing is that I am not the type to be single. It's just who I am and what I like. But I am just fine on my own. In those 2 years I learned that while I am a horny motherfucker, if I could fuck 3 - 4 times a day without my balls hurting... I'd be in heaven, it is something I can control.

That I am going to have sex in the context of a relationship out of a personal choice is something I decided a long time ago and rediscovered the reason last month. I had done something with someone out of the context of a relationship as a newly single guy and I didn't like it. The same feeling I got at 18 I had again at 28. You know what they say... the more things change the more they stay the same. I have changed in my love and appreciation of myself, but the core of what makes me tick. The things that motivate me. The things that drive me to seek a companion. Those things have not changed. There is comfort in knowing that I really do know who I am and what I am about. That is more than most guys my age or in my situation can say about themselves. In a way I was prepared to make the leap I made. The past 2 years prepared me for it.

Does this mean sex outside the context of a relationship while single will not happen? Of course not, I am human. I am a man. I am horny. I will try to have the courage of my convictions tho.

On a less serious note... we got the internet back! Woohoo! The DNS servers for us were static, but then comcast decided to switch to dynamic DNS without saying anything. So of course the static DNS servers got hosed and boom we lost internet. Thought it was one of the neighbors mistaking our wi-fi for theirs. Not malicious it happens. So I secured the wi-fi, secured the router and Joe got on the phone with comcasy. Of course comcast had him do everything I already did and then comcast fiigured out that the DNS servers got hosed. So it is fixed now and all is right once again in internet land. Yay! I am an internet addict and without my fix bad things happen. Like I break my dick watching porn I have saved on my computer.
LOL... believe it or not, I enjoyed fixing it. It was like "ooh a puzzle!'. Maybe I should try to work for comcast. Seems they need Mac Techs there.

-Daemian

P.S. I am sorry for not being more open with you Jaeryd. Forgive me?

Scary Realizations...

2008-01-09T14:44:00.001-05:00

You know, sometimes a healthy event can scare the living shit out of you. I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom, came back to bed, got up again when I could not get to sleep, had a smoke, came back inside, fixed the wi-fi network and then it hit me. So far every time I go out for a smoke I think about Mike. I didn't think about him this time. I slept through the night, with not a dream about him. Does this mean I am really detaching? I read one of his emails he sent to me and instead of tearing up... I was able to just read it. I think it is too soon to talk to him on the phone for fear of a healing wound being re-opened.

Does this mean I no longer love him? Of course not. I will always love him. Does this mean I am done hurting? I mean I did spend one month actually being single, I found out the person I became. I realize what it is I need in my life right now. I expect a relationship to be something uplifting. I expect to feel love when I see someone, not anger or resentment. I expect emotional openness. Emotions do not consist of just anger and happiness, there is a broad range and I need someone who can readily express them all to me. I am an emotional guy and expect emotional support. Let me in and I will be yours. I need encouragement. I am in a very volatile position right now having to start over from scratch. So I have to relearn how to depend on others for help. The last thing I want to do is to have to call mom and beg for cash. It takes a bit of pride swallowing to do that. I need someone who can put my mind at ease about it, to let me know it is ok to ask for help. That it doesn't change who I am or how they see me. I need someone who CAN be there for me... do not forsake me and I am yours.

Right now I don't want to be me. I need someone who will help me want to be me. (I tend to get depressed easily and I recognize that so don't think I am going to go jumping off a bridge) It's not the time to break down and I need someone in my life that can help lift me... not refuse to lift me.

His problems needs to be our problems. Be there to lift me and I will be there to lift you. I want to be able to freely show my love and all I have to offer. I don't want to be ashamed of my body, my face, my problems. I want to give someone the power to be great. I want to give someone the power to enhance my happiness, not looking for someone to MAKE me happy... only I can do that.

Does that person even exist? I hope so.

God I am such a hopeless romantic. A single rose and a stolen kiss... a stroke on the nape of the neck, an opened door, a lite for my cigarette, a look in my eyes.

I liked being in a relationship... regardless of how unhealthy it was.. I enjoyed the companionship, conversation etc.. I know that the person I became is someone who NEEDS to give love. I am someone that wants and needs someone to love. I don't quite like being single. I do like having living spaces be separate, but I don't like not having someone to express my feelings to. Someone to share my deepest desires and secrets. So scary realization right there is that I am a Cancer. A family man, a homebody... someone who can administer an immeasurable amount of pelasure and love to those I care about. Being single does not suit me and I realize now that it never did. That is the reason I was a slutty teenager and wanted to experience it all so I could settle down early and be happy with someone for a longer period of time.

I am a wounded animal that is having a surprisingly speedy recovery, and the scariest realization was that... I am fine.

-Daemian

The Barracks...

2008-01-07T13:52:00.001-05:00

As promised he is a picture of the new bed. As you can see from the picture the wall is a kind of... ewwwwww... color. Makes me feel like I am laying in the ICU. So that has got to change... I just don't have the head for this type of shit. You would think that with my being a graphic designer and all that coming up with something like creating a bedroom would be easy. Nope... sorry.. I don't have the Martha Stewart gene. I need Queer Eye for the Queer Guy!

I love the way the bed looks tho. Masculine design, with slightly 'non-masculine' curves and the black powder finish with the faux twisted bars makes for a macho feel with a slightly goth .... something. :P Jaeryd picked it out and it had the nerve to be $50 less than my first choice which was waaayyy to femme in hindsight.

I need curtains or blinds, a desk for FrankenMac (poor guy.. in the pic FrankenMac is on the floor with the monitor on the boxes I hadn't unpacked) a bookshelf or some sort of shelving and pictures for my walls. Maybe the do it yourself picture frames with some of my artwork in it. I don't know what style I should go for. Truth be told I am very 'spartan'. I don't need much I don't spend lavishly on furnishings etc. You could almost just put me in a white room with the bare minimum to make life easier and I am good. So we shall see how my newly found decor professionals handle my spartan personality and style and meld it with that 'gay flare' I need so badly.

- Daemian

I Talk a Good Game...

2008-01-05T12:13:00.001-05:00

I talk a good game. You know "Hey everybody! I am here and I am fine and let me find someone to make the happiest man in the world at least for one night!", is the good game I talk. Last night I got some seriously needed ego boosting. I could have gone home with at least 4 different guys last night. Shocked to say the least at the reaction I got. Instead... I realized something. When I was a teenager, empty meaningless sex was great. I had never made love before... I was merely fucking.

I know what it means to have sex that means something. Everytime I was able to have sex with Mike it meant something. So now that line I used to have... a very distinct line drawn between love and sex... is blurred. I could have done any of those guys, easily. But when it came down to it, I'd rather give my cock to someone who deserves it. I went on a "breakfast date" today. The guy was nice... he was cute... had an ass you could bounce ME off of and I would have liked to have had sex with him. But there was something about him. That connection that would make the sex fantastic instead of just good was missing. We were sexually attracted to each other... but I need more than that.

I guess once you taste blood you want more. I tasted sex with meaning, going back to sex without meaning just does not appeal to me.

But hey.. I WENT OUT ON A DATE! Makes me one step closer to getting my hair cleaned of 10yrs of cobwebs.

Details... well there aren't many. I have been in communication with a fellow from Match.com over the past month. Remember I only went to Match.com in retaliation of what Mike was doing in regards to personals and stuff. But he sent me a wink... he was damn sexy and taller than me no less. We sent messages back and forth and then I gave him my cell number. Well he called me at like 9am. You know I was slightly pissed. But he said he was sorry to call so early but that he was in Worcester taking care of some errands he had and wanted to know if I would be interested in our first date being breakfast. Well I said SURE, I shot up, showered but didn't shave (it's cold up here) got dressed and he was here in about 30 minutes. We went to some restaurant I don't remember the name of, I was still half asleep, and had breakfast. The entire time he was smiling and I am sure I was too.

Then he touched my leg. While I did get a tad excited I had to tell him that I didn't know him well enough to be comfortable :

a) to bring him to my place with my roommates after only having been here 3 days. Can someone say WHORE? I am sure my Blanche Deveroux like side will come back at some point just not now.

b) to have sex with him that would have no meaning. Don't want to fuck him and have it be wrong. I am not the same person I was 10yrs ago. 10yrs ago.. sure no problem. Bounce on it and all. But the me that has grown up 10yrs... says nah... maybe we need a second or third date before I give up my jumbo sized churizo (churizo's are pretty small so for me it'd have to be my jumbo sized churizo, not bragging just fact)

So what does all this mean? It means I have changed as a person and the things the younger single me would have done holds no water now. I need sex to mean something. That spark that Jaeryd always talks about, I understand it tho in a somewhat different relation . I need the spark to make the sex worth putting my feelings on the line. I know I sound like a prude... I am not I swear it. I am actually the biggest pervert you will ever meet with the largest porn collection you have ever seen. But I think it means that I am relationship oriented in true Cancer fashion. I don't want to give my Jumbo Sized Churizo to just anyone. I want to give it to a friend, a companion... someone who really could be my partner. I just don't know who that someone is yet.

So I will go out, have a good time and I am sure the urges of the flesh with put me out there once or twice. But I know what I am looking for. Well my bed has arrived and I will take a picture of it and post it. They are bringing the pieces in now so I must end this post.

-Daemian
As

I Have Come!

2008-01-04T08:35:00.001-05:00

So I have come to Worcester. The drive up here was actually very speedy. I think we were only on the road for about 2 - 3 hours. 3 hours is pushing it even. The new roommates are pretty cool.

Joe is a tall one, sorta reminds me of Mike in his manner of speaking. It's odd that my straight male roommate reminds me of my ex.

Ash is a total sweetheart. Pierced and all... and damn is she tall. She and I are going to have a fucking ball. I think I am in for a wild ride with this gal. She reminds me of Brianne. Very out going and vibrant.

My room is a sickly blue color... that has to change. Apparently I know people in home decor. I didn't even know I knew people in home decor. But I was filled in last night, totally had to pretend like I knew the entire time tho. I didn't want to get another "Bad Homo!". But... now don't tell anyone this... whenever I hear Home Depot or Lowes my mind immediately goes to wood. Get your head out of the gutter bitches... I mean lumber. I am used to going to places like that to get stuff to build shit with. Not really familiar with their home decor section. I know, I know... "Bad Homo!". I have a lot to learn I see. But that being said... I have got to paint that damn room. Maroon, maybe a nice rich baige and brown? I don't know but that Blue color has got to go. Oooh maybe a nice cherry wood color or deep walnut.

I bought a bed last night, I will post a picture of it when it arrives on Saturday. It looks pretty sweet too. I had originally wanted the Camelot metal bed, but Jaeryd felt it was kind of... well... femme. This is why I love shopping with Jaeryd. I have no sense of balance. I either get wayyy too femme or waayyy too masculine items. Never that balance that is gay. Well Jaeryd picked out one hell of a bed that was actually $50 less than my first choice. It is very masculine with a very soft feel and made of metal. It felt VERY sturdy and I had to let Jaeryd know... I need a sturdy bed. The reasons why I would hope are obvious. But if they are not, regardless of the role I am playing ( be it dom top or sub top) I like passionate, voracious, fairly kinky.... you know... the S_ _ word. :P (note: I am not really a prude, I just thought it was funny)

Spent more money on it than I had originally intended. I planned on spending no more than $550 for the frame, headboard, footboard and the mattress set. Instead I ended up spending $632. $82 over my intent. To top it all off... Linen n Things. $68 spent there on 2 pillows and a sheet set. No blanket. I should have bought a cheap ass blanket from the cheapo store in Astoria before I left. I still need a desk. I think I may have found an OK desk on craigs list for about $100. If I get lucky I might be able to find a cheaper one. I don't need anything too intense. Maybe another trip to Ikea is in order.

Went to Blu last night. Filled out the application n shit. Had 3 drinks. It was pretty dead there as we were early. Didn't stay long, Jaeryd had to work and I was sorta feeling like I just wanted to acclimate to my new home. With any luck I will hear from them tonight. If I do.. woohoo!

On to Mike. He sent me an email at about 2am. I was already asleep, sort of so I did not see it until I unearthed my laptop this morning. He says the apartment feels hollow without me there. That he still loves me and hopes I come home. I don't know how to feel about this. Being taken for granted for so long. Being sexually and emotionally starved for so long. Having him take a swing at me and miss (in a sense, not the violence but the act that lost my trust in him). We both need to grow up and I know that if I turned back now... it would just be more of the same. I need more than that. I need emotional support. I need sexual gratification. I need more than he has ever given me. I am not leaving it out of the question that he and I may some day he and I will get back together. If we are both single and have made the changes in ourselves we needed to make... sure. But we do not know what tomorrow brings. I know I am a damn good catch with a damn good amount to offer outside of my bangin' dingaling and not too hard on the eyes either. So who knows, someone who is a better fit for me may come along and snatch me right up. He'd be a fool not to. I am not perfect. Far from it. But I know I am a good, honorable, cute, long and strong man.

Mike is trying to get laid as soon as possible. I don't know if that is good for him or not. Truth be told I had 6 months of torment regarding what ultimately ended in Nov. I have had one month to get out all of my tears. I am ok with this now. My only concern for him is his mind and his wellbeing. I don't know if I feel jealous. I don't think I do.

So Worcester, MA... I have arrived!

-Daemian

January 2nd... Time is Running Out!

2008-01-02T13:39:00.001-05:00

Time waits for no man. We would all like to think we are just special enough, that just for us time would slow down or even stop. I am hours away from having to leave NYC behind. As painful as this month has been, it has gone by VERY fast. I have learned a lot in the past month... more than I have learned on this entire 2 year long journey I have been on. I never thought, 2 years ago, that when I started the journey of self that it would have this as a twist. I think this was my test. In 2 years I have grown. Grown fearless to live life, grown even more responsible for my actions, grown to understand me.

This month long break up has tested everything I thought I had come to understand. It tested my fearlessness. It tested it, broke it then forced me to awaken to a realization. It was not fearlessness I learned... it was courage. Courage is doing what is right or facing adversity even though you ARE scared. It is ok to be scared, it is NOT ok to back down and run away because you are scared. I am terrified of being alone, terrified that I had made the wrong choice. But now I know. I know I made the right choice and that yes moving to a new place, with new people and new challenges is frightening but that if I can get through this past month... I can face anything no matter how painful or scared I am. Face your fear!

It tested my sense of responsibility. Made me realize that utilizing the courage I can stand in the face of fear and opposition and STILL get the job done and come out of it all smelling like roses. I mainly stayed here for the month of December for two reasons. Reason 1, I had an obligation to at least try to settle the rent debt we had incurred when I was unemployed (Mike was unemployed too, but what else was new. He spent a lot of time unemployed.). Did we settle the rent debt? No. But I can say I stayed here and toughed it out to try. Reason 2, it was Christmas time. My former place of employment is absolutely insane during that time of year. My job as their tech is VERY important during that time. Computers break down, shipping needs to be done, web orders need to be pulled and even though it is not my job.. cases of wine needed to be moved around.... a lot. I could not leave them that way, if I had the holidays would have been an absolute disaster.

So in the face of fear and pain I mustered the courage to be responsible and honorable. If you haven't guessed by now honor is very important to me. I get to say I left NYC, made an impact on people, will be fondly remembered and will always have a home here.

As far as understanding 'me' goes... I thought I had a very good grip on who I am. I thought I knew... but I didn't. Until now that is. I understand why my self esteem went to the crapper. I understand where my jealousy came from. I understand what it is I NEED in a partner. I finally understand.

There is always more to learn. One other thing I guess I learned during this last month is that my 2 year long journey is not over. The newest lesson I learned this month is that I can control everything I think is wrong or bad about me. I can control it, manipulate it and use it. I know I am not hideous, I am not the grand prize but I am a damn good man and a damn good catch. Anyone would be a fool to not snatch me up as soon as they can. I have a lot to offer a partner. I know that my sense of honor won't wane. I tried... it doesn't work. I will always be an honorable man. One who does the right thing despite my own best interests. My hero complex is something to be proud of. Not many people have it. Even fewer know what to do with it if they did have it. I was actually rather embarrassed about my hero complex. It was always so hokey... my need to protect people. My jealousy... thats an interesting one. I have not gained full control over it, but I can recognize when it is happening. When I see it happening I just calm myself down, clear my head and then evaluate the situation and if it really warrants my being jealous. If it does... then I will be jealous... if it doesn't then I am fine.

I have grown so much in the past 2 years. It is a shame that Mike has to miss the end result when it finally comes. This past month has hurt, has frightened and has hardened me... but it did not destroy me. I can go on and be fine. I know there are more opportunities out there for me. I know my own story does not end tomorrow. In fact, it may be just beginning.

Learn, Live and Love.

-Daemian

Happy New Year...

2008-01-01T11:36:00.001-05:00

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I was actually rather happy to ring in the New Year here at home with Mike. It felt warm, familiar... as if we were the only two people in this world. I also got REALLY wasted! I drank 2 6 packs of Corona... by myself. I have spent a lot of this month intoxicated. Trying to not feel what's going on. Trying to not feel. Last night I think I drank way too much.

I do remember this much.... I did not get "Whiskey Dick". Mike and I did "do the nasty" last night. 3 times last night. I don't know how I feel about that. Is it confusing? Sure. Does it only reattach me? Sure. Does it change what is going to happen within 2 days time? No.

That is the confusing part. I mean I wasn't so drunk that I don't remember the sex. I do. I hadn't plowed ANYONE that hard, that fast, the feverish and that passionately in over 10yrs. I mean... wow, I shocked myself with the performance. As the ball dropped all I could do was lay my head on his chest and cry. This is our last New Years Eve together.

Of course as expected but slightly different he sent mixed messages of his own. Shortly after our second trist he says, "It's strange, by this time next year I may be someones collared slave.". Ummmm... don't fuck me then say shit like that. Did I need to hear that? No. Did I need to know that he was seeking that type of relationship that I love him too much to give him? I guess I did need to know that. I needed to know that because even tho I fucked the daylights out of him (I was VERY rough, very dominant and very intimidating... even a lil' choking... it got intense) that I still could not go to the frontier he needs to go to. I guess I did need to know that. I guess I needed to know that despite all that is good/was good about our relationship, there will always be this big threat going against us both. His needs versus My needs which are on opposite sides of the spectrum. His desires are something he didn't ever deal with and they were strong enough to warrant infidelity. My desires and my torn down sense of self are things that were driving me away and had me ALMOST screw someone else.

These are things we need to work out before entering a relationship with someone else. I need to make like Stella and get my groove back, he needs to make like a gimp and be caged and tortured.

I think we can be friends after we get over the break up. Our friendship is very important. For 10yrs we had been best friends. We shall see how the time will heal us. I can only hope for the best for him. Hope that he remains safe and sane, doesn't incur too many physical scars from his 'quest'.

Happy New Year Chulos! Let's all hope 2008 will bring prosperity and a new heart!

-Daemian

The Other Side of The Coin...

2007-12-30T14:10:00.000-05:00

So... much like I promised I have had Mike answer the question that has been requested. Without further ado...

One Last Weekend...

2007-12-29T12:18:00.000-05:00

So here I am, Saturday... so far all I have done is lecture Mike on the mistakes he is making. He makes the same mistakes over and over again. He is too smart for this. I don't know if he is trying to make me worry to get me to stay. I don't know if he is really just oblivious to these mistakes. But I can see him making the same mistakes, it is like watching a giant brain ram itself into a brick wall over and over again trying to get to the other side. Instead of just using the fucking door to his right.

This is our last weekend together. We have not... "done the nasty"... and I don't think we will. It will just confuse the situation and send mixed messages to us both. I can see it now, he's over there looking at other people personals. Gets hot for them then tries to come on to me. During the act he'd say how much he loved me and wishes I weren't leaving. Then after, he'd go back to looking at other peoples personals and sending them emails right here in front of me. No.

I have to now force myself to not give a shit. It is his life. Tho I ultimately want him to be happy... I can't make him take steps towards that happiness. I can't protect him and I have to let go of the idea that somehow I can still protect him. This Hero Complex can be a real mind fuck sometimes. It is like watching an old lady crossing the road against the light, a huge car barreling towards her, and not taking any action on my part to save her. But he is an adult, he can make his own decisions... and if it gets him hurt or maimed or otherwise end badly... that will have to be his own cross to bare. I can not carry it for him.

Our last weekend together... 10yrs of weekends ends tomorrow. I am unsure of how I feel about this. There are a whole host of emotions I have never felt before. I don't quite know what to do with them. So all I want to do is hit things. But anger management has taught me a few things about dealing with feelings... so hopefully I won't be walking around looking for a reason to beat people up. I am a better person now than I was 10 years ago and my self control is exemplary. Hell I made it through the holiday at work without having to threaten a coworker that was a complete asshole the entire month.

I am going to be ok. I figured out my self esteem conflict. I have come to realize that as a teenager I had built my entire concept of self esteem on the basis that I was a good lover. I learned all sorts of tricks and built stamina and longevity and learned to be an attentive lover and a damn good kisser. Some of that came naturally, latino heat papi chulos.... but more of it came from learning. I had heard so many good things from people after sex, more than enough of them couldn't get enough. My ego had grown tremendously as did my sense of self and confidence. This relationship slowly stripped it all away. 6 months of no sex at all. 9 years and 6 months of sexual rejection from the partner who said he loved me. We'd have sex 1 time a month at BEST. I would get shut down 30 days of the month. I have come to see that basing my sense of self on my sexual performance, my attractiveness to other etc... was a mistake. I was also a teenager and was prone to foolish mistakes. This time around I have to do it differently. I have to tell myself I am sexxy, confident, smart, a good fucker and a good kisser along with being a good, honorable person. I have to want me first. Funny thing, I seem... in true Daemian fashion... to be speeding towards it. So I don't think it will take much more than a couple of weeks of dancing to get myself back. ;)

Self esteem, self worth... it's all so strange that we can be torn down by an idea. Well, it is time to own that idea so that no one can tear it down. I am cute, I am funny, I am sexxy, I am smart, I am a good and honorable person.

Screw what the world thinks! It's all about me now.

-Daemian

It's The Final Countdown...

2007-12-27T12:34:00.000-05:00

So we are coming to a fast end of my era here. Tomorrow is my last day with K&D. Unfortunately they have not found a replacement for me. What did they expect? I came here and took the crummy pay because I was desperate. I had been out of work for a long time and tho my landlord was very patient with us, I knew the patience was wearing thin. So I took a job as their Mac Tech for 14.50 an hour. Ouch. They got more than they had anticipated tho. I am also a graphic designer and tend to have a way with electronics. I am also very versatile in what I can do. Before I knew it my job description had grown to something mythic.

So in looking for my replacement I had to post the job on Craig's List as I saw fit. I gave a full run down of my duties, of employer expectations etc... we got resumes from people who won't do the job for below 50k. YES BITCHES... 50 FUCKIN' K!

Did I sell myself short or what?

We had 2 prospects that the company could actually afford. Neither of them want the job. This is bad for them but may work in my favor. I may end up working remotely for K&D. Given this is a Mac based store... it will actually be easy and would be a damn good source of cash for the Mass. base standard of living. So we shall see how that goes.

So tomorrow is my last day. I have trained the shipping X-Mas helper fully in the shipping system so that is taken care of. Graphic Design... I think I will be stuck with K&D for a long time with that. It is so hard to find a tech that can also do graphic design these days.

These last 2 days are strange. I never left a job this way before. I am leaving here without having people, the ones that matter, hate me or fire me nor am I quitting because they are trying to screw me. So this is a very different dynamic and only illustrates the method in which I am breaking up with Mike. We don't hate each other.

As these are my last two days of work it could only mean something else. This will be my last weekend with Mike. I dunno what we should do this last weekend. His plan is to basically keep me bare assed and to have as much sex as possible. I don't know if that is such a good idea. It is hard enough to leave as it is, wouldn't a weekend of unbridled sex make that harder to do? Perhaps that is his plan. To make it harder, not that I blame him. I did not give up easily... why should he give up easily? If he knows the way to my heart is a good fuck... then why not use it? I would.

The 3rd of January is coming quickly. We have a shit ton of cleaning to do so I can actually find my shit. I have a shit ton of packing to do, well not really... but packing sucks regardless of the volume. It is going to be hard to go through some of the items, a lot of shit we bought for each other... memories... a lot of shit we bought for US... I think I will let him keep most everything. I am the one leaving, I should be the one who has to start over. So I have to gather my clothes, including the gay superhero shirts Mike made for me... feeds my hero complex, my video games for the PS2 and Game Cube, my consoles, my computer and my statues of Buddha.

I am actually feeling better about my decision. I keep reiterating to Mike that he should not sleep around to hide the pain. That he should allow himself to feel it and get over it. I don't want him to do to someone else what he did to me. Our first year together, 2 years after his first love, and he was still citing that being with me felt like he was cheating on his ex of 2yrs. Yeah... I don't want him to do that to someone else about me. Lessons need to be learned. He tried to screw his way to better mental health before and it did not work out for him. It almost ended our relationship before it began. So with that, I hope he takes care of his mind before he whores around. After your mind is right and you want to whore around... fine. But to do it to hide the pain only to bring that pain to your next relationship is a bad thing.

But, all of that being said... I am not too worried about him anymore. I have been reading my Zen books and trying to learn to detach. To a degree it is working. I did do a video, but it is for his eyes only to be seen after I am gone. Sorry chulos... you can't see it. I will do another video blog before I leave NYC. A few have asked that Mike answers the question on how we lasted so long. I think that will be the next vBlog. It will be a video of he and I and I think we will just
have him answer the question from his point of view... but in a past tense. Just because we are over NOW does not mean we didn't do something amazing. 10yrs chulos... that's a long time. So you guys can look forward to that. My next vBlog after that will be from my new home in MA.

I am excited, sad and terrified. I'd be a fool if I weren't scared, a bigger fool if I wasn't sad and a titan of a fool if I was not excited. There is an entire world of possibility out there that did not exist as long as Mike and I remained. New things to do, new people to do, new experiences to have and a new me to find. From 18 til now I have been US. Now it is time to find 'Me'. To grow up beyond what I have so far, which is a lot. Time to be 20 something while I am still 20 something. The jealousy is actually leaving me. Sort of interesting. As I am detaching I am finding myself having a different mode of thought. Not so sad, not so angry, not so jealous. I still feel those things, but in a much smaller quantity.

So this is the final countdown. 1 day left at work and 6 days left in NYC. I have butterflies in my stomach. Bad and good.

-Daemian

Oh... Holy... Shit

2007-12-26T00:54:00.001-05:00

Now... Mike has made it no secret that he didn't like dick piercings. So the one I had I took out. But every now and then I would stick a ring through it to keep it from closing. He of course knew nothing about this. No matter now tho right? So anywho... I hadn't done it for a while and decided to go on and do it tonight. Well fuck me with a log that has rusty nails sticking out of it. The DAMN HOLE CLOSED!!! I can't get anything through it.

I wish I was joking... but I am not. The god damn hole closed up. Now... I can be an enjoyer of pain as pleasure as the next man with a serious mind fuck, but damn I don't want to have to get this sucker re-pierced and then be celibate til the damn thing heals. Damn! Oh... Holy... Shit...

What's the next best kinky thing I could do with my pecker? Maybe get a 69 (Cancer... dirty minded bitches) tattooed at the base of my shaft. That'd be hot I think. I think I need to go scream in a pillow. I can't believe the fucking hole closed.

-Daemian

Merry Christmas to My Hottie of the Year!

2007-12-25T23:03:00.001-05:00

Now... given that Jaeryd and I think alike, very different tastes in men but we do think alike, some of you may remember my "Hottie of the Month" from my live journal site which turned into I think it was "Hottie of the Day" when I moved over here to blogger. Well dammit.. it's fucking Christmas, I am a single bitch now and my ex is not around. So what is a man to do? I know! Look at pictures of guys he thinks are hot and then the one he jerks off to wins hottie of the year.

So for the second year, not in a row, Aaron Lewis from Staind is once again my Hottie of the Year!

Pay attention people. If you are thinking of hooking me up with your friends etc... this man is EXACTLY my type. Of course I prefer the stockier photos of him, the first pic below is ok.. I like the more recent ones better. I also like stocky boys with an attitude. Give me a man that could put me in my place and make me shut up any day. He is dark, brooding, stocky, tattooed, pierced, emotional and damaged... oh my God. I want him in a bad way. I think guys that are of the same body, head shape and face type are the hottest men to walk this earth. Screw tight abs, they do nothing for me. Given I am an emotional sponge and wear my heart on my sleeve, a man like this would pwn me. I bet he would be a good aggressive bottom! Yum!

Hey I gotta get happy somehow right?

-Daemian