Dreams, Can't Sleep With Them, Can't Sleep Without Them.

Short but stupid.

I, every now and then, have a dream of catching my husband cheating on me. Last nights was peculiar. Usually my dream reaction is violent. I usually beat the crap out of them both. Then I wake up angry look to my side at him and get an attitude that I keep during the morning. I know emotional wreck. Gladly it is just an attitude I get, domestic violence has no place with me.

Last nights was odd. Just as I grabbed my husband by the throat... I stopped. I cried, begged, pleaded with him to tell me why. All he did was taunt me. I was afraid and shaking during the entire ordeal. I am unsure as to what, but he kept throwing something in my face and all I could do was cry. Whats even more bizarre, is that when I half woke up... I didn't want to look to my side. Being half asleep I had thought that if I looked to my side he wouldn't be there. That my hope for him to still be there was false. That the dream was real, the hope was a dream and that if I woke he would not be there. So I laid there. Trying not to move, I was afraid to move and feel he was gone. I was afraid to see for sure. I haven't been afraid like that... ever. I pride myself on having no fear. This morning I was scared shitless to wake and realize that it wasn't a bad dream.

I have been on a personal journey the past two years and have changed a lot. I guess the one thing I wanted to lose the most I seem to have not lost at all. I thought it had deminished, but here it was... plain as day, right before my eyes. I am insecure. I am waaayyy too needy. I need to KNOW and be TOLD I am loved. I need to KNOW and be TOLD I am sexy. I need to KNOW and be TOLD I am worth something. I need to KNOW and be TOLD that my world won't be shattered and that my heart won't be broken. I need constant reassurance . I am a cancer (earth sheep), it is my profile to be emotional, moody, needy and a family man. I fear the threat of losing that visage. For example... why would I never move with my husband to Japan? I know he has a thing for twinky Asians. I fear that if I moved there I'd lose him in less than a month. My insecurities tell me I cannot compete with the twinky Asian. I can and will never want to be a twink and I sure as hell aint Asian. It's something I could never give him. So I would not move there out of fear.

I dunno. I feel like a stupid, blonde girl right now. Still shook up from a stupid dream. I still feel like crying, over a stupid dream. I am so stupid sometimes. Stupid, stupid, stupid... it was just a dumb dream. Why do I still feel it now? Stupid, stupid, stupid!