Then Suddenly...

The ground falls from beneath me. As quickly as love found me, love has left me. I am not as upset as I should be. In reality, I sort of saw this coming. My new ex simply did not love himself. As admitted, I was too good to be true. I was like something unreal. Something that his subconscious kept trying to wake up from. He was waiting for the ground to fall from beneath him. For the other shoe to drop. I guess it did not bode well for him. He was always worried that I was going to leave him and hurt him.

It would seem that Boston men have a lot of issues. They are treated so poorly by their own that when one comes along that treats them well, it is unbelievable. Part of my own emotional baggage is to fix mistakes of the past. As seen in my staunch disapproval of domestic violence. I grew up with domestic violence and vowed to never let that cycle continue. So no matter how angry I got.. I may yell, I may argue... but I will never get in my lovers face nor would I ever physically hurt them. Additional baggage would be in that I may not have been the best when it came to how I treated Michael. I treat him like a child. Like someone who needed constant guidance and protection. He is a grown man and needs neither. In realizing this I have decided to treat my lover very well. To instill in myself this will to be a great man for my lover. As it would seem this is too much for those who take their baggage negatively to handle.

I treated Joey too well. As bizarre as it seems, I did. We all idealize this great relationship in which we are treated well and with respect. Is it really what we want tho? Not that treating him well was outside of the "Me". It was not, it was in fact the man I have always wanted to be and found it in myself to become. It was me. But it seems that even trying to show someone that not all gay men are all the same is not something we seem to want. Do men really want to be treated poorly? Because it is more in line to their accepted reality? Have we become so jaded? Do I give up on being a good man and find that side of myself that is, for all intents and purposes, a "manizer"? When I gave up on dating and treated men like garbage I found no end in the supply of guys who wanted to date me.

In all reality it probably would not have worked between me and Joey. I mean.. we are both tops. I bottomed and enjoyed it with him because I opened my heart up to love him. Love him I did. But let us be realistic.... I am a top. Maybe I would have hurt him at some point. Perhaps at some point I would have fucked every bottom that shook his ass like a bitch in heat. Perhaps I would have broken up with him over purely sexual reasons. Who knows. I was willing to try tho. It did feel like we were always hanging over an edge. Me being well grounded holding him, dangling, over the edge... trying my hardest to not let go. He was aware of his predicament. I promised him I would not let go. Not let him fall... but I can not hold on if he let go. Well... he let go. He fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

We had a decent 2 months. Everytime we were together it was fantastic. When we weren't together he would go into this tailspin. If I showed even the slightest displeasure or disappointment he would try to "give me an out". He felt he did not deserve me and that I deserved better. I can not fix that. So I am single again. I don't do the whole break up and make up thing. I just don't. Does that mean I won't get back together with him? I don't know. I hope he fixes himself. When he does... I may be here... I may not. Such is life. Funny enough.. I am not as upset as I should be. I am hurt, make no mistake, but I am not a mess. I do think I am done with putting my heart out there to have it shat on. I do think I will go back to just using men for sex and nothing more. It is what it is right?

- D

How Daemian Got His Groove Back...

I finally gots me interwebz. Wooha!!!

So I now have a couch, a loveseat and a huge 42" LCD HD TV! Dear lord. My apartment is slowly coming together. I have to start thinking about the walls and actually decorating. Gayness here I come!

It felt good to be back in World of Warcraft. The new patch is fun. It builds so much anticipation for the Wrath of the Lich King.

Next Friday is my Halloween / Housewarming Party. Can't wait, it should be fun. Co-Workers, friends... Homos and Heteros having fun together. What next? Dogs fucking Cats?

I am going to see my family the first week of November for my vacation. I have to make sure I hit NYC to have lunch with Walter, to drop off the keys to the old apartment with Mike and pick up a few things I left behind in the old apartment. At first I was apprehensive about this prospect but at this point I am just fine with it.

My Joey.... I got my groove back. IT is an interesting thing going on. I let my guard down and decided to allow myself to love someone again. I am scared shitless about it. I know that in doing so I have given him the power to hurt me. I don't ever want to get hurt again. But I decided that I want to live life. I can't truly live life if I don't allow myself attachment. I am in love. How do I know? A few key events. I miss him when he is gone, I am genuinely happy when I see him and... drum roll please.... I let him Top me. I enjoyed being topped more emotionally that I did physically. Physically it does nothing for me... but emotionally it felt fantastic. I enjoyed it so much because it was with him. I know that eventually this have to end. Either in death or in break up. Nothing lasts forever. I just hope this doesn't end too soon.

There Is No Spoon...

I have had an interesting couple of days recently. I don't quite know where to begin as I sit here listening to the islanders have a wild party next door... full on with hootin' and hollarin'.

Perhaps I will start with my trip to Paradise. So last weekend, pay day, I decided I needed to discover a new place to hang out and take in the Gay Boston Nightlife. Of course I Was thoroughly warned by a coworker that it was a "sketchy" place. OMG... porn on the TV's it smelled funny and there were shady characters everywhere. MAD SKETCHY!!

A customer at work, a fellow top, had met me there at Paradise and we hung out a bit. I found out that the downstairs area tries to get you as drunk as possible. I asked for a rum and coke and what I got was a plastic cup that was rum with a hint of coke. 3 of those and I was done. There was a cute guy or two there... but as usual I was ignored. So I sat and watched the game of cat and mouse the boys played with each other that went absolutely nowhere. It was a waste of their time essentially. They'd spot each other from across the room, sweat wold bead up on their brow. They'd look at each other, then look away. One would be appearing to be making a move. I was on the edge of my seat. Is he finally gonna just take the guy, bend him over the bar and fuck him for all of us to see? Is he going to at least buy the guy a drink? He moves closer, they look at each other... hoping and praying to finally say a word. And then... nothing... the guy walks right by him to the bar, buys a drink, they look at each other again and with drink in hand... the guy walks back to the other side of the bar, and continues his creepy staring match. What a let down. Seems boys in Boston need to grow the fuck up and leave this puritan, repressed dharmic bullshit behind.

I stay til closing, chit chatting and continuing my watch of the failed games these boys are playing. The bar closes and I catch a cab. The cab driver then gets lost and given I was rather intoxicated, I didn't have the strength to fight the bill. I get into my room, turn on my computer log into bear411 and manhunt only to find a billion fucking messages. All of which said essentially the same shit. "OMG, where you out at Paradise tonight? You are so hot!"... well given this was the email everyone seems to have copied and pasted from each other to send, I in turn send a cut and paste email. It stated, "Yes I was at PAradise tonight. Next time grow a pair and say something to me... I'm actually pretty easy.".

I mean really.... boys are silly. The fact that I don't want to date only seems to be attracting more of these fools.

I spend the rest of my weekend going out and paying bills etc. This figures in heavily to what happens on Monday.

So... Monday comes around and I was supposed to buy a ticket to get to NYC for a few days. I check my bank account to ensure the checks I wrote cleared, as I got paid the previous Friday. Apparently Bank of America is full of idiots. Essentially... they fucked up the direct deposit somehow. So the money was there and available for the taking... but wasn't technically "take-able". So the checks cleared, the ATM withdrawals cleared (I don't carry cash.. it's a NYC avoid the bums thing) went through just fine. But when I checked my bank account.. 736 dolllars is missing. OVER DRAFTS!!!!!!

Every check that cleared incurred 35 dollars and every single ATM transaction incurred 35 dollars. Well this added up to be quite a bit + the amount of money actually taken out. I wish I could afford to have blown money on whores and booze. I'd at least have herpes to show for it. So I spent all of my Monday cursing out Bank of America and having them admit they made a mistake. I won't see my money for 14 days. I told them I was getting a lawyer and closing my account after I get my money back. This is the last time they screw me. I have 2 dollars in the bank as of right now. This is not the first time it has happened and apparently they screwed up the direct deposit of everyone I work with that has a bank of america account. I am so over this shit.

Of course, the fellow I was supposed to meet in NYC is pissed at me because I couldn't show up and refused to accept his offer to pay.

So Tuesday comes and I meet what I think to be a Kindred Spirit. He is 28yo and also just ended a 10yr relationship. Somehow my Hero Complex kicks in. I know what he is going through, as I was just there not too long ago. I am still healing from it, it would be nice to have a friend I could heal with. He is quite a cute one. We meet up in Back Bay and head over to Lir for a drink. Well we had this weird Raspberry and Pomegranate beer. It was interesting... didn't taste like beer. Then head back to my place. The entire time I am thinking about how cute this guy is. We will call him D. D has the cutest lil belly.. nice fur, baby face, a nice shape to his ass and is also a geek. What a find! Brains actually are a huge turn on. We hop the train to Forest Hills and the hop the bus. Talk about awkward. Trains are one thing but to bring someone you are going to fuck to your place via the bus.... feels sorta cheap. But remember... BoA screwed me and I had no cash for a cab. Anywho.. we get back to my place, sit out on the front porch and he pulls out a phatty. OMG and he smokes pot. Too bad I am not looking to date and he is fresh out of a relationship. Much like myself.. he needs to play the field a bit and not think about dating.

We get stoned and have a few laughs. I inform my roommate that I have a buddy over. We head to my room where we chat and laugh some more. I can't believe I actually dig this guy. If anything I totally want to be his friend. But I have to fuck him first. We lay down and chat some more... he heads to the bathroom and comes back and climbs on me then to my side. He looks at me, tells me he thinks I am cute. He leans in and I can tell he is hesitant, but I come up to kiss him. It is too soon to kiss for him, I can tell. But I am a kisser, its what I do.

I don't know how it happened but we were soon naked. It just happened that way... damn pot, he is suckin on my cock and I am fingering his hole and giving it a good munching. I never really liked doing that, but I know he cleaned out and I just sort of went for it. The more I fingered and licked the more feverishly he sucked. He lets out an "Oh!", this one is a noisy one. I like that. I then climbs to face me, I want to kiss him, but I know he is not there. I plunges himself on my cock and lets out a sigh. He tell me it is deep and begins to bounce up and down on my cock like a boy who knows what he wants and is not afraid to take it. A power bottom I see. He takes my pounding in a myriad of positions. On his back where I use all of my weight to plunge balls deep into him, on his side where I can just pound and pound and watch him bounce around like a rag doll on my cock. BEnt over.. he lays his torso down and keeps his ass high. Fucking this guy is fun. He knows that I won't cum until I am told to and he just keeps on taking it.

I don't know how long we go for, I don't even remember when he told me to cum. I do remember hearing him moan and get loud. Just hearing him almost made me blow my load a few times. I do know he told me to cum and I began to fuck faster and hard.. I explode in the condom and we lay there. He can only say one word for a few minutes... "Amazing"... followed with you can cum on command... amazing. LOL

I am flattered. I slept the sleep of the dead that night. I was hoping to wake up in the middle of the night and play a bit more, but I was in a deep sleep. Tho he could have pretty much raped me in my sleep and I would have been ok with it.

I walk him to the train station the next morning. It's right around the corner from my place. I like D. I like D alot. I want to be his friend. I want to go through this thing with him. I feel that we can help each other grow. I want to be his hero as I am for all of my friends. Friends with benefits is fine with me.

I am meeting him at the Alley tonight. Beers on him. He is totally welcome to crash with me as he WILL miss his train home. I expect to run into a few guys tonight. Who knows.. maybe he'll get lucky... maybe I will...

Wow... another post gone sexy!

I am still not looking to date anyone. Still hoping to find a hottie to fuck on the regular. We shall see how that goes. I have taken to using men and only the good ones will make it to my friends list. Otherwise, fuck em. ;) I am going to stop trying to bend the spoon and instead realize the truth... there is no spoon.


- Daemian

Perhaps Acceptance...

Been going through some odd feelings lately. I have been coming to grips with the fact that I would have welcomed not being single, I would have gladly taken a new partner, though I was not ready for it. My decision would have been hasty even. I know, I know... didn't Jaeryd try to tell me that? Of course he did. I would have even done well in a relationship being not ready, it's just part of who I am. I am good at the things I do.

But, now... I don't know so much. I am coming to grips with being single. Slowed down the whole being slutty thing has put a lot into perspective. I don't know nor truly understand what it is just yet. But I do know I am enjoying the new found freedom. Don't even know if I particularly want a partner right now. Oh my god... did I really just say that? Perhaps it's just my strangely manic mode? Perhaps acceptance has really set in?

I have gone on a few dates, trying to find that "Mike" replacement, only to find none of us are really replaceable.. Would I really want to "replace" him anyway? Shouldn't I be looking for something or someone different? Well I have pretty much stopped looking, stopped dating, stopped being desperate. Don't get me wrong, I will still look at every hot guy like he was a piece of meat... but hey I don't have to go there in reality ya know. I also know I don't want to relive all of the mistakes I made along the way.

I don't really know what this all means. I don't, I mean this is a first for me in terms of life experiences. So I don't know what to expect or what to do. But I do know this... now that I am not really looking for a relationship.. watch someone tries to toss one on me. LOL. Go fig.

Well, enough of this weird, woke up from a dead sleep with an inkling to blog rambling. Talk to yas later.

- Daemian

An Update...

Well I haven't updated you guys on my own little reality. I have been talking. That's the best way to start anything right? Talking? Any how, I had told him about my meeting with the Apple recruiter and suggested hanging out. Surprisingly he said yes. So I find out today that my meeting will be this coming Monday at 11am. Yay!

Now as I I have said in the past, I am not looking to be parked outside of anywhere with a U-Haul the next morning. That if I come on strong it's just because I like the person and that we both should take our time. I know what I want and I know what I need to do. I need to make a life for myself. I need to get on the fast job track, I need to eventually move into my place for a bit and I need to financially stabilize myself. I know what I want... I want to get a dog, I want to get over my break up completely and I want to find a relationship with someone genuine, kind, smart, energetic, a sexual match and emotionally available.

It will all take time. So I will talk, show I am a great guy by being myself. It would be nice to have something good. There is much to be done. Til next time chulos.

-Daemian

PTS

As much as I would like to see more of PTS. I don't think I will. I mean I didn't put much hope into it. But I did like him. Something in my gut tells me it won't happen. Dunno what it is. Maybe he just got what he wanted and that is all. Who knows what anyone is really feeling.

I had to get that one out. Haven't ranted about a guy in a bit.

-Daemian

Enter the Ice Prince...

I am just going to start using people for sex. That's it... no expectations... no caring about their feelings... nada. Now granted I didn't give up the goodies tonight, but I didn't have a chance to. I got stood up. No it wasn't Gino... he's a sweetheart.

I can actually see how a gay male can become bitter and jaded. So I offer my apologies to every bitter and jaded gay guy out there I have ever made fun of. You guys are almost justified.

- Daemian

Indecisive...

Ok... so I am sitting here and contemplating my extremes. Not sure which way to go. See when I make a decision I am very stubborn about it. I make the decision and thats that. Given I see that I am stubborn about it and will not turn back once the decision is made I try to curb it. But in curbing it I become very indecisive. Weighing every pro and con, every possible outcome to the finest point until I can take it no more and say... screw it I'll just have a burger for dinner.

Same goes with my labido. I on one hand am so damn horny (damn latino blood) that I get stir crazy. Just jerking off doesn't cut it. I did it for 10yrs, 30 days out of ever 31 days. So why am I so frightened to just go out and have as much casual sex as my labido can handle? Yes there is disease and there are loonies out there... but Christ what am I to do?

So on one hand a big part of me wants to just not fuck anyone. Let it go until I find someone who can at least wait til the 2nd or 3rd date before I hand over my goodies. But at the same time a big part of me wants to just paint the town white. I mean where I come from sex on the first date is a must. The way the sex goes determines if there will be a second date. So now I am going to flip flop on the whole fucking issue. To screw or not to screw.

Pros:

1. I will put myself out there. The only way to meet someone is to put yourself out there.
2. I will satisfy my labido making me appear and feel less desperate.
3. I will get to have massive amount of good to great sex. (I don't have bad sex)
4. I will gain a reputation for being a good lover.
5. I will feel sexier or more studly. (Always good for the ego)
6. I will have some fun.
7. I will meet new people and possibly make a friend or two.
   

Cons:

1. I will be exposing mysel to all sorts of nasty little bugs. Condoms are not 100%.
2. I will most likely either feel unfulfilled or fall for someone who has no intention of actually dating.
3. I will gain a reputation as a whore.
4. I will meet some lunatics who fall for me after just one night.
5. I will possibly end up rebuilding my ego based on sex and then end up with another Mike.
6. I will have to wash my sheets all the fucking time until I get more than one set.
7. I am unsure as to how fucking an entire town can help you make friends.

So those are the pros and the cons. I still can't decide. I know I can easily go out tonight and pick up a Mr. Thursday #2... very easily. But is that really in my best interest? My labido says yes... my brain, while it still has some blood in it, says no. How does one go about killing their indecisive nature and just make the decision... good or bad?

I can't decide what to do. I do know that I am a man of extremes. Very seldom do I make a move to the middle... it is either left.... or right.

- Daemian

Ugh...

Well I have got to stop going to Blu on my time off. I end up doing shit for nothing there. I am almost bored with the clientele which is making Blu more of a job. Which is fine I guess... it is what it is meant to be.

I am realizing how boring to myself I am. So thats not fun.

I guess until I get a car or a man (yeah good luck on that. So far all I have found are boys.) I am doomed to spend my days and nights looking at these 4 walls. Almost feels like I put myself in a prison until Spring comes. At least when Spring is sprung I can walk around the city and not suffer hypothermia. I can't stand this no car thing. I mean c'mon... no real mass transit system to speak of either... it's drive or be trapped. I can't even get a decent dayjob doing what I am trained to do without a frikkin car.

Yes the Bear and Mr.Thursday... they were fun, but unfulfilling. Maybe becoming a man of the cloth is in order. LOL. Could you picture that... if I don't like boys now.. I don't think priesthood is for me. LOL. Should I just go back to my voluntary drought? It at least made me a tad bit interesting. I mean like I said they were fun... but ultimately unfulfilling. Did I feel great? Yes.... Did I feel empty after? No. But is that what I want? Sex with fuck buddies that don't go anywhere because all it is... is sex? No. Maybe I should look at it as... I had my fun with two hotties... got reassurance that it is fun but still not what I am looking for. Maybe a voluntary drought is just what I need. As if 10yrs with Mike wasn't drought enough right? LOL.

Difficult indeed. But I'll make it. I have to. Just wish I didn't have to do it alone. I need a fucking cheerleader or something.

-Daemian

Along Came a Bear...

warning: The following post is once again about gay sex. If you don't like it you are reading the wrong blog.

Yes bitches... I am a whore. OMG. Well if it is any consolation I didn't pick this one up at the club. I was out this morning buying a meat pie and noticed this cute bear looking at me but not looking. Curiously we'd end up in the same isle as I was trying to find the drinks and such. Apparently he was in Worcester for the weekend, saw me last night at Blu thought I was hot and that it was rather bizzare seeing me in public. He lives in CT, his name is Johnathan and he is 42 cute as hell and a bear. Not too big... not too small... taller than me and a genuinely nice guy.

So we sat down, ate food and talked. The conversation was great. He was funny, I was funny we had a damn good convo. Then in the middle of the conversation I noticed he was just looking at me with a smile. I stop with my verbal diarhea and return the look. He then says I am a very sexy guy, though he guessed my age at 35yo, and was shocked when I told him I was only 28 and must be a baby to him. We talked some more and then numbers got exchanged. I told him my ex was 41 so 42 does not bother me but that I was looking to date guys within the age range of 28 - 36. He looked disappointed... at which time I then looked him in the eyes and said.. that doesn't mean we couldn't be friends or other things...

He knew exactly what I meant. I asked him iff he wanted to finish his coffee at my place. You know he agreed. So we come back to my place, sit at the table and continue our conversation. He then reaches over and strokes my hand. Gently. I am a sucker for a gentle bear. I lean across the table and kiss him. Spur of the moment and it works. Next thing I know we are making out with the table between us. I then get that urge. So I let go, walk around to the other side of the table, grab him by the back of his head and force our mouths together. It hurts but oh so nicely. The air in the room is magic and the fire in my lungs long for release. He then grabs my cock and I know what he wants. Which is just fine because I want it too.

I circle behind him and lead him to my room using the hard cock pressing against my jeans. We make it into my room and the clothe fly off and while I am standing there he takes my cock to the balls into his mouth. This fucker is hot and all I can do is surrender to him. He pushes me onto my bed and continues to go to town on my groin. This guy sucks dick like an experienced man aught to. I can tell he is hot for me and I am hot for him and the swelling in my dick is evidence enough of it.

Then he does what I love. He straddled me. He leaned in to kiss me and I pull him down. Deep, hard, long kissing. His lips are fantastic and his tongue is talented. I reach over to the stool on the side of my bed, grab a condom and some lube and hand them to him. He puts it on me and slides me into his ass. Tight and warm... he said he hadn't been fucked in a long time so we have to take it slow. I told him to take it as slow as he needs. Well that lasted for all of 2 minutes. Next thing I know he grabs my headboard and starts to gyrate up and down on me. He feels amazing and smells the way I expect a man to smell. The taste of his sweat and the feeling of his furry chest against me send my head into outerspace. He pumps and sweats and growls and howls. Then he cums. Wow... I love it when a bottom cums while I am inside of them. But he doesn't stop. He knows I didn't cum and he was aching for more. So he continued to ride and stay hard for me. I lean forward and swallow his cock while he is still riding. He shivers and next thing I know he cums again... this time he squeezes his ass hard enough to damn near snap my cock in half. This time I cum... and hard. I can feel him shiver from the inside.

After we cleaned up we layed there naked and talking. It was amazing actually. The depth and level on which we were able to talk about anything. We had the simple conversations about Project Runway and we had deeper conversations about people and their modes of being. I had a great time with a great guy.

The only bad thing is his age. I have already done the 13 years older than me thing. I don't want to revisit. I want to be with someone I can grow old with not someone who I have to watch grow old as I lag behind. Hence why I am restricing any dating prospects to my age or 8 years older. 8 seems like a good number to go above my age with. It keeps us in similar decades. :P

I am aware that my posts are becoming more... slutty. But such is the life of a single, very horny, gay man. I am enjoying myself to a degree. I do still want that someone to hold at night that will hold me in return. Perhaps when the games are over I will have that someone. Yeah I know, we all hate games me especially but Carl hasn't lost me... yet.

Til my next trist chulos...

-Daemian

What the Hell Am I Gonna Do Now?

I am insanely horny. I have to work tonight. I don't wanna hook up in front of Carl. What the hell am I gonna do now? Calgon... take me away!

-Daemian

A New Schedule, A New Outlook and an Oh Fuck Moment...

So... I have worked officially all of 1 week at Blu and they have already got my schedule for the weekend booked! I love it! Friday, Saturday and Sunday I will be working security. It will be variable which security position I work. Some days I will be a floater, which I love. I get to walk around the club, flirt a little bit and see the shows. Some days I will be working the smoking area. In the winter it hurts a little bit because the smoking area is outside, but once again I get to mingle, be social and flirt without spending money. Some days I will be working the front door, like this Sunday I will be working the front door, which is nice on a Sunday because I don't have to deal with cash. I can sit there, be visible and flirt my ass of. Bad part is I miss the shows and I am pretty much stuck in the front... Sunday they do lip sync competitions and Lady Sabrina is the hostess with the mostess.

After my exciting encounter, as documented in my previous post, my outlook on things have changed. Funny enough I do still want Carl. I want him something bad, but I found I am able to curb that want and go for other wants while he decides his own fate. I could have had my choice of boys last night. There was this FUCKING hot Brazilian guy staring me down. I mean he undressed me, re-dressed me and undressed me again all with his eyes... all night long. This little Mexican guy walked in, and I don't get what is up with the little guys thinking they can handle all of this, and began to shake his ass just for me. I was almost tempted, but found that no... despite my addictive personality (which would make it very easy to get addicted to sex) I was able to be a good boy last night. I went home with no one and guess that kind of control over myself felt great. I guess it is a kind of control that 10yrs of marriage will train in you. After my last encounter, I tell you girls.. you will have to chisel the smile off of my face with a jackhammer after I am dead. All the negativity I was holding on to just melted away. So I feel great. There is something better for me out there. This is just the beginning.

I know, I know... I can hear you bitches now, "Well what the Oh Fuck Moment Ho?!?", and I will tell ya. My 'Oh Fuck Moment' was in realizing with all the blood back in my brain that I did hook up with this guy at the place I worked. Which means whoever was working that night knows I went home with someone else. Why? How? They know by now that I am a new bitch here that does not drive. So if I show up I am there until closing so I can hitch a ride with Danielle or Matty home. Well, when I wasn't there at the end of the night... they put 2 and 2 together and made 4. Not only did they get it... they talked about it. Even my new boss knew I went home with someone. Glad it is a gay club and it was my night off. Anyway... Carl worked last night with BOTH bartenders from my night of whorishness. Yeah... he heard about it. Oh fuck. At first I didn't care really because he was the one who told me to back off. But I could see it in his face he was not happy. He would put on a rather fake smile, I know what his smiles look like and the ones he gave me were fake, and pretend like he wasn't upset. I then realized, Carl is not the rock he portrays himself to be. He really does... or at least did... like me. What puzzles me is that the entire thing was all about how I need to go out and sow MY wild oats. How I am the one who needs more time. How I am the one who is not ready. In reality... none of those things were about me. They were about him. He is the one who is not ready, needs more time to sort his shit out.

Now I may have been having some serious blonde moments since I got here. Thankfully those are over. I may have just left a 10yr relationship. But give me some credit. I am not a moron or some child. I do know myself well enough to know the type of person I am. I know I can be a horny fuck. I know I can have my moments where for months on end I want it daily. I know that if I don't get my release I get grumpy. I know that I much rather have sex with someone I feel something for as well. Its when I am at my best sexually. I also know that I am a relationship oriented man. That if I find the guy who can put me in my place, not let me get away with murder, fuck me on a regular basis and make me feel like a king... I will be his for as long as I can hold on to him. I know that I am VERY affectionate and loving. I love nothing more than to be able to put my arms around someone and feel them respond positively. I want nothing more than to be able to come home, call someone tiger, kiss a long deep 'I missed you today' kiss... even if we have just been in separate rooms all day. I know I want someone to hold.

So I do have a big grip on what it is I want, who it is I was 10yrs ago, who it is I became in 10yrs time and who it is I am becoming. I won't be held down by who I used to be. But I won't toss those lessons I have learned either. So, as my hag in training and my mother said... take this as a sign that I need to whore it up a little bit longer... safely (thats my mothers addition). I am not going to be an asshole and throw it in Carls face by hooking up with guys right in front of him, thats just bad form knowing what I know... but I will try to take just 1 night a week at the club socially when he is not there and get my guys that way. I don't know how I feel about the whole hookup websites... thats just too damn scary. I do hope for Carls sake... and just because I really do like him... that I am single when he feels he is ready for me. I am an easy man to keep but I am a lot of man to deal with with.

Hmmm... I wonder when the next time I will see Christiano may be? I have been given the green light from Jaeryd. Maybe Christiano will be the next one on my list of Worcester Conquests! Language barrier may be a bit much to try and date him... but the language my groin speaks is universal.

-Daemian

First Night as a Completely Free Man!

Warning: The following post is long and very dirty. If you don't like reading about gay sex... sweety come out. Please.

I know the title is a bit misleading. You bitches are thinking, "Hey I thought you was single?", well chulos.. I am single, I was single and I have been single since November. But and yes there is a but... I had someone in mind. A goal for which to focus on. That goal was someone with whom sex would have meaning. So I held off on going home with anyone. But if you read the last post you will have known that my focus pretty much said no. So I have been holding off on doing anything for an entire month in hopes of him. I wanted sex with meaning. But at this point... I just wanted to get laid. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed human contact. Hence the first night completely free of any ties.

I called Jaeryd because I was not only going stir crazy... I was hungry. Eating every other day is so bad for me and my work out. But hey it is lean times. So we go out to this great place where I had a steak burger. Fantastic at medium rare... despite the waitress saying they won't do it. Thanks babe. It was awesome. Jaeryd slipped me a twenty, which I am soo grateful for as I am a broke bitch, and I payed with my card.

We then went to his place where I got to discover Project Runaway. Just let me say this. Why is the cute one always straight? And why is watching Heidi Klum like watching the first AI develop? So damn robotic. The accent is cute tho. I watch I think 4 episodes... feels like 5 ... because Jaeryd records the episodes to DVD. Well I can' wait to watch the other discs. I know, I know chulos when is it going to get good... that part starts...right.... now.

Well I decided to go to Blu tonight after being at Jaeryd's for like 4 hours. It was the Hawaiian party and soooo few people actually showed up. Most of those who did were under the legal age to drink... which means they were too young for me to do anything with. So... a few beers and my hard cock in hand I decided that I was going to end this voluntary drought. I had so many fucking options. It was intense. To these kids I expected to be old... well it seems that as the new bear in town they all wanted a piece. I decided... nuh uh youngens this dick is reserved for someone with at least a few years of adult fucking experience.

Then fate happened. There was an influx of 25+ guys. Not all were thin! YAY! Even Christiano (one of Jaeryds friends) showed up all by his lonesome. To my surprise he even showed interest in me. Funny that. I knew I thought that of the few Brazilians Jaeryd introduced me to, Christiano was the closest to even being my type. I thought for a second... isn't this wrong? Shouldn't I not fuck one of my friends friends into an oblivion? So we flirted, we danced... of course I got stiff as a rock. But wait chulos... it gets better... he then made a big mistake... he grabbed my ass. Those who know me know the sign on my ass says 'Exit Only'. But I didn't hold it against him. He pulled me closer... and I thought... well he is nice enough... he's not a total stranger... this wouldn't be that slutty. Would it? Then fate threw me a curve ball.

This young, 25yo latin boy walks his ass into the fucking club. Now to this point aside from my hardon Christiano had no other sign of anything other than friendship. Then I thought well the 25yo wouldn't be interested in a bear like me. not that he was skinny... but just didn't strike me as one who would be interested in a guy like me. I also began to come to my senses as the blood traveled back to my brain. I can't fuck Christiano. That would just be bad in so many ways. So I decided against it.

Then Adam, not my co-worker but this small and I mean small black guy who came with a str8 friend from work. LOL. He insisted that I come and dance. So of course... feeling self defeated I decided to go an dance. Dancing does something to me. Even if I am just standing at the rail doing my slutty dance. It just makes me feel better. I can be sensuous, seductive, graceful and sexy. So as I lose myself in the dancing I notice the 25yo dancing and watching me. All I could see was him rolling his ass around and doing a damn good job at it. I was getting stiff just watching him. He would peer over his shoulder at me. So much so that I had to figure out if it was really me he was looking at or someone behind me. Well the only thing behind me was the wall. So yeah.. he was looking at me. I then notice he said something to Christiano... and even looked like Christiano a little bit. I could then see they were not speaking English. OMG... I am being hit on by a hot ass dancing Brazilian. I notice he then looks over to me... then both look. Then he walks over to me. He walks over, gets in close then asks if he can kiss me. I nodded my head and the boy went for it. I love kissing, I know for a fact I am a damn good kisser, and this kid did it like a pro. All this did was get me raging stiff. Remember... I am horny as fuck and this hot ass 25yo Brazilian is all over me. He then grabs my cock and says... verbatim... "I have been watching you since you came here 2 weeks ago. I hope you are a top because I have a feeling I would WANT to be with you tonight. Yer a very handsome, cute guy. I loved the beard but this is much cuter (I shaved my face today. Styled dat shit!), I bet it would feel good on my chest.". I shit you not... boy was bold. He asked me if I lived close, I do. He asked if he could give me a ride home... I said yes. At this point I am freaking. So I run to the mens room, grab a couple of packs of condoms and then sprint to the front so I could tell Daneille that I would not be needing a ride home.

We walk to his car... the entire time I am watching his ass. In the car we make small talk. Turns out he is also from New York City. Wow... a frame of reference. We swap maybe 2 fast stories of what we miss and what we don't miss about New York and the subject quickly jumps to my cock. He asks how big is it because when he felt it while kissing me and wondered if he could even take it all. I then say to him, (I don't mind you bitches knowing these details, I'm a single man... no need to dance around it).. so yeah I said to him, don't worry it's only 8.5 inches... 9 if you give good head. Yes bitches I said it. I know I am such a whore. He looks at me as if I just said he won a million fucking dollars. Then a very gaaaayyyy 'ONLY!". I told him he will be fine and put his hand right where I knew he wanted it to be. All of this happens on the very short ride from Blu to my place. And I thank God my roommates are cool with my being gay and wanting to get laid. I just have to not wake them up.

So we get into my place and this guy is quiet as a mouse. Turns out he went to Guilliard for dancing. OMG.. I landed a fucking dancer. We get to my room and I turn on iTunes to play something... appropriate. A little Massive Attack, some Bjork and finish with the Nine Inch Nails concept album. Dramatic and sets a good pace. Trust me. So I turn around and he is already naked in my bed hard as a brick. And he is hard for me. I felt like a hot guy for the first time in a long time. I mean he was 25yo... I never expect guys younger than me or even my age to be into someone like me. But sure enough... there he was. Not even a little drunk... and he was that fuckin hot, just for me. I felt incredible.

I quickly shed my clothes.. even took off my t-shirt. (I have not been comfortable enough with myself to be seen totally nude in 10yrs.) Thats right... something I could never do for Mike I just did. I was completely nude and he looked ravenous. Like I was a prize. I gave him my steely, I am gonna make you hollar look and it just made him squirm in anticipation. I didn't know I could still do that. I come to the side of the bed and he leans his head over the edge. The moment I was close enough he grabbed my member and began going at it like it contained the cure to cancer. Man, than rolling of the tongue thing he does while speaking Portuguese he can not only do while kissing but also while blowing me. He even gagged a little as he attempted the full length. Girls this is better than a Daneille Steele novel. He gets me going something insane. Then I felt something I have never felt before. I felt very aggressive... by my own accord. Not as a command, but as if I was just so damn wound up that I knew I was going to try and break this boy. So while he is blowing me I bend forward and began to go at his own member. This only made him more crazy. I almost came. But muahahahaha.. I did learn a trick or two in ten years... I learned how to do tantric... cum without cumming. So that was my first blown load that didn't go. My problem is I can only do it once in a session. But it makes it last a long fuckin time.

He then takes me out and says the best possible thing he could have said to me. He said, "I wanna ride you!". Yes bitches... he said it. Well I take forever to cum when being ridden... which is why I like it. This boy gets on... slides down slowly and I can see he hurts.. but he doesn't care. He was determined to take me in there... all of me. My heart rate was through the roof at this point. I can feel a thousand negative emotions just drip off of me as I start to sweat. I feel alive. I'm fucking alive! He finally settles on my cock and the look on his face is one of pure ecstacy. I then tighten my perenium making my dick swell. Did he feel it? I do it again... harder this time... yeah he feels it. I hit cloud 9 just knowing I am rocking this kids ass and he is loving it. I then begin to pound from beneath... slowly for about a minute. Following the rythm of the music I give him the 1st level of the Bull Machine. Then song changes and that is my cue. I go from slow.. immediately to a fast hard pump. Yeah this kid is diggin it. We do this throught the entire Massive Attack album. The kid almost cums twice. I had to stop for a minute or two. He of of course did not get off. Then as the Nine Inch Nails album starts he begins to pound himself on me... damn I feel great. He feels great.

Then he says, "Doggies pai." and gets off and bends over. His sweat mixed with mine creates a funk in the room that is electric! This only makes me that much harder... that much more aggressive. I know I need to get off before we break this bed. He hit his head against the metal head bored a few times as I pound and ground and drove in as deep as I could. I tell him I am about to cum as I feverishly pound this poor young guy. He almost cums instantly upon my saying it and lets out a hushed yet very audible scream. I pound for another minute and unload into that condom. A few spasms later and we are laying there. He tells me he had fun. Gets up. Gets dressed and says he has to drive home, but offers to sleep here. I tell him I don't want to freak my roommate out early in the morning when some stranger is exiting the bathroom. He understands and gets dressed. All the while staring at me. I think he likes me a little more than I intended. The fucked up part is that he does go to the club and... well... I work there.

Still... I don't feel empty.. or lonely... or wrong. I feel... I feel... absolutely fabulous! I can't believe I made that kid cum so hard. I can't believe I just slept with someone who is a dancer by training. Flexible. Good hip movement. I feel like a fucking stud. Now to hope that when he tells the same story, it is close to my side.

So here it is 3:14am(thats right... didn't take me long at the club to do this)... I am writing this blog and feeling like I need to sleep and like a million fuckin bucks. Maybe this will set a different tone in my day to day activities. Like maybe start planning my next website as I get closer to finishing Leviathanelectronics.com. Wow... just wow. I had a successful night out as me... not as who I pretend to be. Confidence... check!

Hope you enjoyed my retelling of my night. So glad it happened... I can't make this type of shit up. I need to sleep now.

Later Chulos!

-Daemian

A Swing and A Miss...

Well Carl and I had our date. Well I knew we were in trouble the minute he suggested we go to Blu. I knew we were in further trouble when he said, 'It's not a date, it's a get together.'. I knew it was done when he said, 'I don't want to lead you on.'.

Is it obvious I like the guy? Yes. But why does it keep turning into 'I'm not ready for a relationship?'. I mean I wanted a proper date, time to get to know who he really is and if I even want to be bothered. But of course I allowed myself to be bullied into that spot and didn't protest, I just sat there... smiled as best I could and took it. He says he is not ready. Thats fine and all, but I have a very basic belief that you fight for what you want. You do whatever it takes to get yourself in a position to get what you want. Well not everyone feels the same way. Instead I get told to take a step back, leaving me feeling like it was never about anything more than sex to him. He even goes as far as saying, 'If I had sex with you then at the club you see me flirting and going home with someone else it would piss you off.', so nope didn't even get laid. A lot of, 'As attractive as you are', got thrown around. I guess to take the sting out of it. At one point I had to ask him to stop saying it. Could it have been any more rehearsed?

Oh well, it was a thwarted intention. He wants me to be his friend because friends have a possibility of being lovers. Problem is I am not wired that way. I can not be friends with someone I have feelings for. It is just not something I am capable of. I don't even know how. I spent the rest of the night drinking beer, listening to the old queens tell stories and giving Carl his space. He can keep the chain I gave him with the key. He can keep it as a reminder that someone who was real gave him a chance. All I can really do I guess is be polite. Say hi when I see him. Make small talk when he makes it. I may not be a happy panda right now but I do still like him.

Now this leaves me in a quandary. I am horny as fuck, the person I was waiting for pretty much told me to fuck off. I am not going to start fucking the entire town. Hell most of these guys I have seen so far I wouldn't let suck my dick. How do I meet people? I mean... you put me in front of a computer and meeting people becomes really easy. You never run out of things to say because you have the time to think and then type. But I want to try more traditional means of meeting people. Tho I don't quite know how. I mean I don't have any interesting stories to tell. Maybe I need a learning annex course on making friends and being personable. Really I guess my hard time is that I am waiting to be approached. Anytime I approach someone my conversation dies after , "Hi I'm Lance. You having a good night?". I do better if I am introduced. At least a mutual friend makes a mutual point of interest. I do better in a one on one setting. I am always so self conscious about people being able to hear my conversation.

I know, I know.. don't be so this or don't be so that. Easier said than done when it is simply part of who you are.

Back to the drawing board.

-Daemian

I Aint Nothin' But A Horn Dog...

and man am I barking!! I went to do my laundry and got turned on by my own underwear. Aint that some shit right there?

Funny thing is I should be used to going without sex for long periods of time. But now that the chains are off my body is just in a testosterone induced overdrive. I would almost give a troll the time of day.... eeewwwwwww. I don't know what I am going to do about this. It makes me aggressive... like a hungry vegetarian. So of course all I can think about is ass and anyone who gets in the way is bound to get hurt. So shocked my brown eyes have not turned white.

So yeah... that's it.. just horny. Nothing else interesting to talk about.

-Daemian

The Overlooked...

A lot has happened since I moved here and a lot has not happened. So far I have overlooked some of the basics of my new life in my posts. I have to thank Jaeryd for keeping me grounded. Even when I don't want to admit it and I know it frustrates him... he has gotten me to admit it. Truth be told, this is why I love him. None of my other friends have ever been able to get me to stop, take a look at what I am doing, admit my folley and come back down. The man has a gift. Not even my ex could get me to admit things I do not wish to admit to or see. I am very thankful to have made such a friend. Three years of mostly an online friendship has given me the older brother influence I never got to have and until now... never knew I missed. So, thank you Jaeryd for being there for me.

So, back to things overlooked. I have been so busy obsessing over events, people and places that I have forgotten to talk about the generalities and fun I have had. Jaeryd and I have gone out to eat a few times so far. It has always been great! We went to this Brazilian grill the other night. I could not eat a lot of the stuff they had as sides because they had a legume of some kind in it. So I ended up eating white rice, some great french fries (they didn't need ketchup) and pork ribs. Of course given that I ate earlier I wasn't all that hungry so I ended up bringing the ribs n stuff home. Even microwaved the food was off the hook. Unfortunately my days of eating out must end. I simply can not afford it. But it was good while it lasted.

I have worked my first weekend at Blu. Believe it or not, I had a good time. At work... what the fuck? Yes chulos at work. I mean I get to socialize, be at the club, listen to the music, hear or even see the contests and what not. But it is a lot of work if you are not working the smoking area. The smoking area is easy. You just stand back there and people tend to behave... at least for me they did. Working floater is a lot of work but, I think, the most fun. You basically walk around the club, looking at peoples hands for drinks and their mark. An 'X' on both hands means the person is underage and cannot drink. A colored bracelet means the patron is 21+ and can drink. So you look for X's with alcohol in their hands. One sip and they have to leave, along with the person that gave it to him. Try to locate the patrons that are waaaayyyy too drunk, inform the batenders that they are not have any more alcohol and escort them out if they get rowdy. Even tho I was told I didn't have to unless asked, I still walk around and pick up bottles and empty glasses to return to the bar. But the walking around you get to meet people, talk maybe an occassional shake of the ass as you pass through. It can be fun. This Saturday I start training on working the front door. I both look forward to it and dread it. I have seen just how nuts it can get when closing time comes and people are drunk and trying to swarm the front to get their coats. But I look forward to being a prominent 'Don't start no shit' front door man.

There are a lot of cuties that come to the club. There was this one bear... OMG, he is so cute. He wants someone else that works at the bar, so I keep my flirting to a minimum. There is a whole drama around it tho that I ended up playing sympathetic ear and advice giver to the cute bear. I don't screw with peoples emotions or any shit like that, so my advice was intentionally free of my attraction. I gave him the advice I would give to anyone. He felt better after our short talk and I had to go back to my rounds.

The Cabaret Show was awesome. I even got my head put in some Drag titties, courtesy of Lady Sabrina ! It was classic cabaret with a few oh so slutty twists. Watching the Bartender and the Shot Girl do all but fuck on stage was interesting. I still think she turned him on a little bit. Ha! I was feeling my mistake. I won't say what it was, as a bouncer I don't think I should divulge that information, but lets just say it hurt and got worse as the show went on. During the intermission I had two strong Captain w/Coke within a space of maybe 5 minutes. Well, lets say the pain was just a minor nuissance. I ended up staying after the show and helping out around the club. The pain would come back every so often but I'm fine.

I hadn't gotten much done website wise. Been posting stuff on eBay. The part that sucks is that the inventory changes daily. So it takes me longer to get to new stuff. So the project is just taking longer than I expected. I guess I have to swallow my pride and accept my mothers help. I have always had to do it myself. It is not easy to have to ask mom for help. Then again, who said starting over was easy?

Til next time chulos!

-Daemian

Overthinking, a Good Nights Sleep and Internet Glee...

(This is a massive edit to the original post)

I do tend to over think, over evaluate, over everything a situation and my actions. I don't like 'not knowing'. I don't like 'not being sure'. It's what makes me a bad gambler... I simply won't make the 'bet' if I do not think the odds are in my favor by some huge amount.

Then I make a choice, but of course... once I make a choice I have to sit down and figure the odds of it being the correct thing to do.

C and I made plans to have him come over and check out the room and a movie today. I don't think he will show up tho. I may have, in the cloud my mind has been in lately, scared him off. No hard feelings of course, just thwarted intentions. I don't think I will call him, he's a big boy. I can only hope that I get lucky and lightning strikes twice for me. I will just have to wait and see.

A good nights sleep can sometimes clear your mind of a lot of fog. Since I got here I have not had a good nights/days sleep. It's been really cold in my room and I only had a fucking sheet. Well my 'Hag in Training' gained some gigantic brownie points. She gave me a blanket and my oh my does this thing get me toastie. So last night I actually slept all the way through the night. Can sleep dep. make you insane and lose focus? I say yes. I lost focus of a lot and after having slept through the night finally without the shivers waking me up every 10 - 15 minutes... I feel lik eI have regained that focus. I feel energized. Ready to take on just about anything. Amazing what letting your mind and body rest, recuperate and rebuild can do for you.

During the course of this blog you guys have seen that I reference the past 2 years of my life as a journey of self discovery. That I had re-embraced my eastern childhood lessons and was finding myself. Well ever since I broke up with Mike (sleep dep making it worse) I had lost sight of that. I hadn't given myself the credit I was due. I failed to recognize that in the past 2 years I discovered who I am. That in discovering who I am I learned to love myself. In learning to love myself I saw I had to end my unhealthy relationship. In ending my unhealthy relationship I almost lost sight of 2 years worth of work. In revitalizing my mind I have regained my focus and clarity. I came a long way in 2 years and took a huge leap in going on 2 months. I am confident that I know who I am and what I am about. I hadn't given myself enough credit. Well I am giving myself that credit now. The pat on the back I fucking deserve.

Well, I slept... I slept well. I feel good. I have regained my focus. Sober and all. Jaeryd is right in a sense. I don't need someone in my life... I want someone in my life. In the past 2 years (journey of self) I have learned a lot. One thing is that I am not the type to be single. It's just who I am and what I like. But I am just fine on my own. In those 2 years I learned that while I am a horny motherfucker, if I could fuck 3 - 4 times a day without my balls hurting... I'd be in heaven, it is something I can control.

That I am going to have sex in the context of a relationship out of a personal choice is something I decided a long time ago and rediscovered the reason last month. I had done something with someone out of the context of a relationship as a newly single guy and I didn't like it. The same feeling I got at 18 I had again at 28. You know what they say... the more things change the more they stay the same. I have changed in my love and appreciation of myself, but the core of what makes me tick. The things that motivate me. The things that drive me to seek a companion. Those things have not changed. There is comfort in knowing that I really do know who I am and what I am about. That is more than most guys my age or in my situation can say about themselves. In a way I was prepared to make the leap I made. The past 2 years prepared me for it.

Does this mean sex outside the context of a relationship while single will not happen? Of course not, I am human. I am a man. I am horny. I will try to have the courage of my convictions tho.

On a less serious note... we got the internet back! Woohoo! The DNS servers for us were static, but then comcast decided to switch to dynamic DNS without saying anything. So of course the static DNS servers got hosed and boom we lost internet. Thought it was one of the neighbors mistaking our wi-fi for theirs. Not malicious it happens. So I secured the wi-fi, secured the router and Joe got on the phone with comcasy. Of course comcast had him do everything I already did and then comcast fiigured out that the DNS servers got hosed. So it is fixed now and all is right once again in internet land. Yay! I am an internet addict and without my fix bad things happen. Like I break my dick watching porn I have saved on my computer.
LOL... believe it or not, I enjoyed fixing it. It was like "ooh a puzzle!'. Maybe I should try to work for comcast. Seems they need Mac Techs there.

-Daemian

P.S. I am sorry for not being more open with you Jaeryd. Forgive me?

Fine Mofos at work!

Oh... my... god.

We have this set of fratenal twins who workewd with us last year during the holidays. I didn't pay much attention to them aside from conversation... well because they are straight. This year the one who is an aspiring singer left and his brother who left at the end of last season came in. They are both buff but the brother that is here now is a multi-threat. He used to be a gymnast, a boxer and is now working construction. He is fine as fuck. Oh my god... and to make matters worse... he is paying an interesting amount of attention to me. He's got a lil bit of chub on him but it is melting fast. I told him not to lose all of it, for if he does he wouldn't be that hot to me any more. He then said, "Don't worry, I'll make sure you keep your eye candy." Inside I was like, AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!". I'd do him in the basement with the security cameras watching. He is that damn fine. Puerto Rican no less... as you boys know I tend to like em on the white side, but shit I'd let this dude make me his top bitch any day if I were single. He is not fine enough for me to jeopardize my relationship... but he is fine enough to jeopardize my job.

I mean, he did this thing that gymnasts do where they lean all the way back and go palm down on the floor behind them. Holding a perfect arch. Then he brought himself back up to full standing position with NO help at all. Just his core muscles balancing him and bringing him upright. I was speechless and my jaw was on the floor. I knew there was a good reason to want to fuck a gymnast and this sexxy fucker is it!

Anywho... I need to get back to work. I just couldn't contain this any more. I wish I was less ethical and was willing to put his picture up without his permission. Hell I wish I could get him to take his shirt off. *woof*

Maybe I can get a pic of him before the night is out.

-Daemian

Double Feature! Somtimes... take 3 & Food for Thought

Sometimes... take 3

Well, they say that the third time is a charm... and this time it was. I didn't get topped, but I did get taken. And how... wow... I didn't think my lil Keebler Husband could do it. But he did. He took charge and made me his top biotch and I loved every minute. It went from the floor to the bathroom and into the shower last night. I am shocked I can still walk.. hell I am shocked I was able to wake up on time and get to work. Sometimes the third time really is a charm!

Food for Thought

So for the past 6 months to a year Mike and I have been contemplating leaving NYC. I love this city, I really do... but after 11 years of living to work I'd say I have had enough. I will admit this, I have been looking for other places and states to live. This brings up a bit of bad mojo though. I am just starting my web business. I don't know if it will be a good idea to move the company in it's first few months in operation. That being said I dunno how to plan this. I am not a risk taker, just not in my makeup. But I can see that something a bit more calm is out there for us both.

This also ties into my fabulous weekend. While I was in MA I made many attempts to scope out the area. The houses are fantastic, condos in the 100 - 200k price range. The only thing I'd be object to are the Mass-holes. I mean I have to fix my license, get a car and then get my man a license. He is 41yo and never drove before, I'd fear for him everytime he left the house.

I don't know what the plan is but I do know I grow more and more anxious by the day. I am a tech and I make chump change in comparison to the cost of living. Mike is working which is a godsend but how long can we play this game? I am tired of making bundles for others and seeing little of it myself. So maybe I will find the city I wish to move to, rent a room, move with just my clothes and computer and build upon the web business. Have Mike stay in NYC to retain NYC residence for the company until I get the proper papers to setup shop in whatever state I decide to move to, get an apartment or a house and then have Mike come from NYC to our new residence. I don't know how he would take it though. I mean, leaving him in NYC for 1 maybe 2 months... that might be asking a bit much from him. Essentially it would be have him shack up with our friend Walter and continue to work while continuing to make deposits and get the company mail. After about 1 or 2 months when he has a huge amount saved have him come to whatever state we are moving to with a nice surplus of cash to sit on.

I don't know. It's too risky. What's life without a little risk tho? I never take a risk... maybe this time I should. What do you guys think? I mean MA was nice... lower cost of living than in Vermont (yes I was thinking of moving to Vermont)... I do have a friend in MA that I feel I could have as part of a support system. (Keep me from going absolutely insane). I am sure he'd probably scream if I told him I was moving to MA. I dunno what to do... I am so bad at risks, but I can see that a change is needed... badly. Then again my friend in MA is rumored to be moving out of MA... maybe I can get the web business jumping and hire him to get him to stay in MA.

What do you guys think?

Sometimes... take 2!

So I decided I was gonna try to be an aggressive bottom this morning. The husband was once again as hard as a rock and I figured screw it... no screw me. LOL. So I dropped the undies a bit let him knock on my door.... and he turns over ass all on... my ass. WTF!?! Been power top for ever.. just want to try something different and I get nada. Later he is gonna want to get tied up. Maybe I will just forget how to make a good knot.

Remember... it can't always be about just one of you... both need to be taken care of.

Now I feel like being vindictive; which is always a bad thing.