The Fight For Civil Rights and Hypocrisy

Imagine a world in which your people have had to fight for basic civil rights. The right to marry, the right to live, the right to have the same opportunities, the right to be free. Imagine a world in which your people fought for and won the fight to gain full equality in stature and basic civil rights. Imagine that same lineage now participating in the deprivation of those same basic civil rights of someone else. Sounds horrible yes? Sounds depraved yes? Sounds like a throw back to a different time that was thought to be over and done with doesn't it? Sounds like the type of thing that could only be a part of the past and a far cry from the present and the future.

This is the world in which we live today. Many people try to differentiate the fight for African American civil rights and the fight for Gays civil rights. We need a wake up call. These too fights are the same. Basic civil rights and equality under the law. Some may want to throw around religion, separation of church and state. We as Americans have the right to follow whatever faith we want. We however do not have the right to force those beliefs upon someone else. That is the very basic foundation for which this country was founded. So we shall leave religion out of this little discussion. Basic civil rights and equality under the law.

Some would say, "Well African Americans had to endure some of the harshest conditions to get those rights both before and after.". This is true, but so have Gays. In fact, while it is not socially acceptable to run around calling black people niggers it is still very acceptable to call a homosexual a faggot. Both are slurs, both hurt to hear and both place a stigma on a single group of people.

In the black community, one that has fought tooth and nail for legal equality, gays are treated much like blacks were all those years ago. It is a community that fosters being "on the DL", fear, hatred and violence. Those very same things that very community fought against. How can we as a race of people deny the civil rights and legal equality of anyone? We of all people should know better. If it is against your religion that is fine, but you don't have the right to deny someone else life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness... especially given African American history. The African American Community and the Homosexual Community share this common struggle. Lets see if you can tell the difference between these events.

Midwest, a man is found bound, naked, beaten and bloody. No one knows his name. No one knows any other reason as to why this happened.

Name: John Doe
Age: approx. 30
Race: Black
Reason: He was black.

Midwest, a man is found bound to a herding fence, naked, beaten and bloody. We do know his name. We do know why this happened.

Name: Matthew Shepard
Age: approx. early 20s
Race: White
Reason: He was gay.

New York City, a small bar in the village. Police perform their normal raid in which they harrass, beat and arrest mutiple people for being who they are and congregating. This leads to a minor riot that sparked a nation wide movement.

Place: The Stone Wall Inn

Do I really have to go on about this? We can see the similarities and the commonalities. The Gay Community and the Black Community would better serve each other by fighting on the same side. To have any member of the African American community deprive someone else of basic human rights is a travesty and blatant hypocrisy.


Over the next few weeks I intend to do a small series of articles to touch on a few subjects pertinent to the Gay Black Community. Subject such as being on the dl, false machismo, civil rights and the gay black renaissance. Who am I to write such things? I am a gay black male that got to look at the black community and its interaction with the gay community from the outside looking in.

Hero Complex...

No matter where I go, no matter what I do... I feel like 'we' need a vigilantly. What do I mean by this? I mean I hate bullies and when I read about hate crimes it infuriates me. I don't mean the kind of "Let's get political and fight the power!" kind of fury. I mean the "I want to find the one who committed the crime and do to him what he did to the victim." kind of fury.

For instance, when I lived in New York I bore witness to a man beating up a lesbian because she thwarted his advances. I witnessed this thwarting on the train and it wasn't like she was being exceptionally rude about it, tho she had every right to be rude about it given the mans behavior. We get off the train, it was late at night so it really was just us three and he attacks her while shouting homophobic rhetoric. Well, I turn around and tackle the fucker and begin to wail on him. I lose myself for a moment and in the fury of it all was able to be pulled off the guy. If it wasn't for the victim stating I had helped her I would have gone to jail that night. There is nothing I loathe more than to see or hear about or read about someone getting bullied. 

I hate witnessing spousal abuse, I hate witnessing a fight in which the odds are skewed I just don't have the tolerance for it.

So I read today about a fellow in the South End, an area of Boston pretty much owned by homosexuals, who was beaten and robbed by someone shouting anti-gay bullshit. Once again this infuriated me.  To top it all off, the cops are investigating it as an assault and robbery instead of a hate crime! WORD? ARE THEY FUCKING SERIOUS!?! What kind of justice is this? What kind of example is being set? This man will have hospital bills and wounds to recover from and if they find the bastards that did it they will get a slap on the wrist... a fucking misdemeanor. Really? Word? Are they fucking serious? This is not justice. Justice would be to find the fucker, beat him, rob him and shout anti-heterosexual bullshit at him. Justice would be to force him to have his own hospital bills to pay, his own wounds to heal AND to pay for the bills of the victim. THAT is justice.

All it makes me want to do is get to a gym, build the body of a god, gain access to shielding to prevent my being stabbed or shot and roam the streets waiting to stop someone from hurting someone else. My style of justice is eye for an eye. My hero complex almost demands this action. My hero complex always gets me into trouble, so I sit here... I wait and I hope that someone out there sees this the same way I do and rains down real justice on bastards like this.

What gives someone else the right to attack someone else for being different? What idiotic sense of self makes them think this is ok? 

No matter where I go, no matter what I do... I find 'we' need justice. My anger is almost enough to push me over the edge right now. This shit must stop!

- D

Bad Idea Perhaps

Not even an extreme post... but I am starting to think it was a bad idea to leave NYC. NYC sucked to live in, but it at least protected me from a few harsh realities outside of the city. And regardless of my relationship with Mike it too protected me from a few harsh realities. I don't know what to do now.

You know what Jeremy... why don't we both move to Cali!

A Turn For The Better I Hope...

Why is it that everytime I make some harsh decision about my life and it's direction something occurs that changes my mind? Is it luck?

Anywho... to not jinx it let's just say I have been in communication with someone that has changed my mind and feelings on being an Ice Prince.

Let's see how this turns out.

-Daemian

Enter the Ice Prince...

I am just going to start using people for sex. That's it... no expectations... no caring about their feelings... nada. Now granted I didn't give up the goodies tonight, but I didn't have a chance to. I got stood up. No it wasn't Gino... he's a sweetheart.

I can actually see how a gay male can become bitter and jaded. So I offer my apologies to every bitter and jaded gay guy out there I have ever made fun of. You guys are almost justified.

- Daemian

Sometimes Life Can Be A Real Bitch...

On the phone talking to my sister. We are talking about my cousins daughter. Sometimes life can be a real bitch. This is partly my cousins fault and mostly her mothers fault. This girls mother was apparently on some kind of drugs and the sister had custody over her. The sister would have all sorts of guys over and it is obvious those guys did things to her. I mean she was just a baby. Now she has some serious issues. Her father, uncle and own brothers are uncomfortable around her. She is a bit too sexual for a kid that is 6yo. She has been suspended from school for "innappropriate touching and language". She is doing what was done to her. Kids mimick what they see and experience.

She is in therapy at the age of 6yo. 6! That is fucking ridiculous. My aunt, her grandmother, had to essentially rescue her from how she was living. Therapy once a week and this girl needs it daily. My aunt can't afford that. This girl needs help.

To make it worse my aunts kids are essentially sucking the life out of her. Of 3 children she has 2 of them living with her. No job of ANY kind. One has his unemployed girlfriend living there. Along with all the grandkids. My aunt is on social security. Do you think she can afford all of this. She has had at least 6 strokes in the past 11 years. These kids are burdening her. The sad thing is that my aunts were not brought up this way.

My cousins were always pissed at us because we were well off. Well here it is.. we are all adults and they are home living off their mother. Not even helping. I don't get it. I was out of my mommas house at 17. My cousin Eddie is one year younger than me, same day birthday, and is a complete drain. Always wanting but not doing anything to get. To the point where this past Christmas my mother had to give my aunt money to get stuff for the kids. Why? Because my aunt didn't even have money for food. All the food she bought for the holidays those fucking idiots ate. Contributing nothing to replace it. Fucking ridiculous.

I mean she did it to herself to a degree.... but she does not deserve this. Life can be a real bitch. I am sitting here pissed the fuck off. All I want to do is hop a bus down there, beat the shit out of everyone in that house except her... kick em out... tell em if they come back they'll get more. Tell them to grow the fuck up and be men. It pisses me off. They are killing their mother slowly. Not even with mercy and doing it quick.. no... they are doing it slowly. One day she will be gone and they will be lost.

Now I can sit here and in my anger say I would not give a damn that they were lost. Because they asked for it. But I am not that person to actually feel that way. I will be there to help but not enable. They won't get anything out of me but sound advice and maybe a contact to get them started. Otherwise... they will have to grow up on their own and even worse... they will have to do it without their mother. She has, currently, no reason to be proud of her children. They have done nothing to be prideful of. You know.. I may be struggling right now... but we all struggle at some point in life. I did not run back home. Instead I am gonna tuff it out and be a fucking man. I have done it before. I know how to go from rags to riches. Some say, "Well you are from a well of family, just ask them for money.", to which I have to say... My mother and sister are well off. I myself am not. I have to make my own way. For that reason alone my mother has a reason to be proud. She has a son who has made it through some hard times, who had every reason to be headed to jail or worse. She also has a son who grew the fuck up and became a man, quickly.

Sometimes life can be a real bitch and it is usually a bitch to those who don't deserve it. Aunt Verna... you do not deserve what your children are doing to you. You deserve better than this and if no one else has said that to you... I am saying it to you.


-Daemian

P.S. Don't let me get word of anything else. Because if I do... Newark is going to shake, thats just how much damage I am going to do to those boys.

Overthinking, a Good Nights Sleep and Internet Glee...

(This is a massive edit to the original post)

I do tend to over think, over evaluate, over everything a situation and my actions. I don't like 'not knowing'. I don't like 'not being sure'. It's what makes me a bad gambler... I simply won't make the 'bet' if I do not think the odds are in my favor by some huge amount.

Then I make a choice, but of course... once I make a choice I have to sit down and figure the odds of it being the correct thing to do.

C and I made plans to have him come over and check out the room and a movie today. I don't think he will show up tho. I may have, in the cloud my mind has been in lately, scared him off. No hard feelings of course, just thwarted intentions. I don't think I will call him, he's a big boy. I can only hope that I get lucky and lightning strikes twice for me. I will just have to wait and see.

A good nights sleep can sometimes clear your mind of a lot of fog. Since I got here I have not had a good nights/days sleep. It's been really cold in my room and I only had a fucking sheet. Well my 'Hag in Training' gained some gigantic brownie points. She gave me a blanket and my oh my does this thing get me toastie. So last night I actually slept all the way through the night. Can sleep dep. make you insane and lose focus? I say yes. I lost focus of a lot and after having slept through the night finally without the shivers waking me up every 10 - 15 minutes... I feel lik eI have regained that focus. I feel energized. Ready to take on just about anything. Amazing what letting your mind and body rest, recuperate and rebuild can do for you.

During the course of this blog you guys have seen that I reference the past 2 years of my life as a journey of self discovery. That I had re-embraced my eastern childhood lessons and was finding myself. Well ever since I broke up with Mike (sleep dep making it worse) I had lost sight of that. I hadn't given myself the credit I was due. I failed to recognize that in the past 2 years I discovered who I am. That in discovering who I am I learned to love myself. In learning to love myself I saw I had to end my unhealthy relationship. In ending my unhealthy relationship I almost lost sight of 2 years worth of work. In revitalizing my mind I have regained my focus and clarity. I came a long way in 2 years and took a huge leap in going on 2 months. I am confident that I know who I am and what I am about. I hadn't given myself enough credit. Well I am giving myself that credit now. The pat on the back I fucking deserve.

Well, I slept... I slept well. I feel good. I have regained my focus. Sober and all. Jaeryd is right in a sense. I don't need someone in my life... I want someone in my life. In the past 2 years (journey of self) I have learned a lot. One thing is that I am not the type to be single. It's just who I am and what I like. But I am just fine on my own. In those 2 years I learned that while I am a horny motherfucker, if I could fuck 3 - 4 times a day without my balls hurting... I'd be in heaven, it is something I can control.

That I am going to have sex in the context of a relationship out of a personal choice is something I decided a long time ago and rediscovered the reason last month. I had done something with someone out of the context of a relationship as a newly single guy and I didn't like it. The same feeling I got at 18 I had again at 28. You know what they say... the more things change the more they stay the same. I have changed in my love and appreciation of myself, but the core of what makes me tick. The things that motivate me. The things that drive me to seek a companion. Those things have not changed. There is comfort in knowing that I really do know who I am and what I am about. That is more than most guys my age or in my situation can say about themselves. In a way I was prepared to make the leap I made. The past 2 years prepared me for it.

Does this mean sex outside the context of a relationship while single will not happen? Of course not, I am human. I am a man. I am horny. I will try to have the courage of my convictions tho.

On a less serious note... we got the internet back! Woohoo! The DNS servers for us were static, but then comcast decided to switch to dynamic DNS without saying anything. So of course the static DNS servers got hosed and boom we lost internet. Thought it was one of the neighbors mistaking our wi-fi for theirs. Not malicious it happens. So I secured the wi-fi, secured the router and Joe got on the phone with comcasy. Of course comcast had him do everything I already did and then comcast fiigured out that the DNS servers got hosed. So it is fixed now and all is right once again in internet land. Yay! I am an internet addict and without my fix bad things happen. Like I break my dick watching porn I have saved on my computer.
LOL... believe it or not, I enjoyed fixing it. It was like "ooh a puzzle!'. Maybe I should try to work for comcast. Seems they need Mac Techs there.

-Daemian

P.S. I am sorry for not being more open with you Jaeryd. Forgive me?