A Visit to Jersey...

So I am on vacation. Spending some time with my family down in New Jersey. Plan is to see my father today. The man apparently is dying. He has Sorosis of the Liver or something like that. I am just a computer tech, I don't know much about fixing a human. But I will see him today. See how he is doing. I barely know him so I don't rightly know how I feel about this news. Should I feel sad? Angry? Lost? I don't know. I felt all of those things a long time ago in regards to him. Once I gave up on him I had no need for those feelings towards him anymore. He is but a stranger to me.

I have to see my aunt as well. It is a sad thing. Her own children are killing her slowly. Two of them refuse to become adults. They feed off of her daily. contributing nothing, having her care for their children and then have the balls to behave as if the world owes them something. As if my sister and I had some unfair advantage. In a way we did I guess. Discipline. We are by no means perfect children. But we turned out to be children that my mother can be proud of. Children that she does not have to worry about. Children that are not killing her slowly but egging her to live on. She wants to see how far our story can go before she is gone.

I have these horrid mood swings. Recently I have been in my "feeling like a plague" phase. Like everything I have touched in the last 13years of my life have done nothing but turn to shit. Every attempt at good I make, folds in on itself. As if I am cursed to never be able to make my own way. Every effort is faced with serious opposition. As if there is something that wants me to fail, fall or stumble. Like I have no choice but to constantly struggle. There is no rest for the wicked, I guess in my younger days I was rather wicked. Perhaps this is my penance.

I needed this break. If even a small break. I feel like a hero to my family. Like I have actually done well. They make me forget all the bullshit I have become clouded with. They force me to empty my cup. Life, love, money... none of it matters when I am making them laugh or making them remember. None of it matters when I realize that I have not done too badly. That in one years time I have both torn my life down and have almost fully rebuilt it. I am leaps and bounds ahead of where most others would have been in the course of one year. Visiting my family is giving me that reason to do better. To finish this story. To reach my own potential of which I have barely even scratched the surface of.

Someone said to me, "I thought you were different. But yer just like everyone else. I forgot you were just human.". Well... I realize something else. I am different. I am not like everyone else. But I am still, just human. In that, there is something amazing. I have beaten the odds, without a stacked deck. I am different indeed. My family only reflects it.

I may have only been here a day, but I am ready to return to my life. A life that I am finishing the rebuilding of. A life that I can live on my own, with no one. A life that I can share, with anyone. Realizing the ultimate truth. This would be year 4 of my personal discovery, as I have written about before. The closer I get to understanding it the farther away from it I am. Or am I?

- D

Sometimes Life Can Be A Real Bitch...

On the phone talking to my sister. We are talking about my cousins daughter. Sometimes life can be a real bitch. This is partly my cousins fault and mostly her mothers fault. This girls mother was apparently on some kind of drugs and the sister had custody over her. The sister would have all sorts of guys over and it is obvious those guys did things to her. I mean she was just a baby. Now she has some serious issues. Her father, uncle and own brothers are uncomfortable around her. She is a bit too sexual for a kid that is 6yo. She has been suspended from school for "innappropriate touching and language". She is doing what was done to her. Kids mimick what they see and experience.

She is in therapy at the age of 6yo. 6! That is fucking ridiculous. My aunt, her grandmother, had to essentially rescue her from how she was living. Therapy once a week and this girl needs it daily. My aunt can't afford that. This girl needs help.

To make it worse my aunts kids are essentially sucking the life out of her. Of 3 children she has 2 of them living with her. No job of ANY kind. One has his unemployed girlfriend living there. Along with all the grandkids. My aunt is on social security. Do you think she can afford all of this. She has had at least 6 strokes in the past 11 years. These kids are burdening her. The sad thing is that my aunts were not brought up this way.

My cousins were always pissed at us because we were well off. Well here it is.. we are all adults and they are home living off their mother. Not even helping. I don't get it. I was out of my mommas house at 17. My cousin Eddie is one year younger than me, same day birthday, and is a complete drain. Always wanting but not doing anything to get. To the point where this past Christmas my mother had to give my aunt money to get stuff for the kids. Why? Because my aunt didn't even have money for food. All the food she bought for the holidays those fucking idiots ate. Contributing nothing to replace it. Fucking ridiculous.

I mean she did it to herself to a degree.... but she does not deserve this. Life can be a real bitch. I am sitting here pissed the fuck off. All I want to do is hop a bus down there, beat the shit out of everyone in that house except her... kick em out... tell em if they come back they'll get more. Tell them to grow the fuck up and be men. It pisses me off. They are killing their mother slowly. Not even with mercy and doing it quick.. no... they are doing it slowly. One day she will be gone and they will be lost.

Now I can sit here and in my anger say I would not give a damn that they were lost. Because they asked for it. But I am not that person to actually feel that way. I will be there to help but not enable. They won't get anything out of me but sound advice and maybe a contact to get them started. Otherwise... they will have to grow up on their own and even worse... they will have to do it without their mother. She has, currently, no reason to be proud of her children. They have done nothing to be prideful of. You know.. I may be struggling right now... but we all struggle at some point in life. I did not run back home. Instead I am gonna tuff it out and be a fucking man. I have done it before. I know how to go from rags to riches. Some say, "Well you are from a well of family, just ask them for money.", to which I have to say... My mother and sister are well off. I myself am not. I have to make my own way. For that reason alone my mother has a reason to be proud. She has a son who has made it through some hard times, who had every reason to be headed to jail or worse. She also has a son who grew the fuck up and became a man, quickly.

Sometimes life can be a real bitch and it is usually a bitch to those who don't deserve it. Aunt Verna... you do not deserve what your children are doing to you. You deserve better than this and if no one else has said that to you... I am saying it to you.


-Daemian

P.S. Don't let me get word of anything else. Because if I do... Newark is going to shake, thats just how much damage I am going to do to those boys.

An Early Thanksgiving w/ Mum & Sis!

Well given that I am going to be away this year for Thanksgiving I could not very well completely forsake my mother and my sister. So I decided I was going to take them both out for an early Thanksgiving Dinner on me. The food was good, we went to Red Lobster... my sister's choice not mine, the wait staff straight and far from flirty. Dammit!

We had an addition to the group this year. My sisters boyfriend of 4 years whom I have only met once. He figures it would be a good idea to get to know Bianca's borther because she always talks to me and about me. He wanted to know if I was gonna live up to the hype. Apparently I did. He even earned a new nickname from me. BIL, pronounce Bill, meaning Brother In Law. He loves it of course. I am glad that my mother and my sister are doing well. I always sorta felt like I had abandoned them when I moved out of the house at 17. But they are doing fine and grabbing life by the knickers. So I am glad and thankful for that.

I did take some pictures.. here they go:

This is my sister's car when she came to pick me up from Penn Station

This is the Legendary Bianca herself!

This is My mother's pride and joy. She loves this car and for good damn reason!

This is my sister and Bill.

This is me and my mother. God I look awful, I slept maybe 2 hours the night before, had to work that morning (Yesterday) and then travel to Jersey. I know I looked a mess but so what. Fun with family is fun with family. And yes that is a tattoo on my mothers chest. Between her, my sister and myself there must be at least 25 tattoos sitting at the table. LOL.

Til next time people...


-Daemian

Thanksgiving is coming!!!

Wow... time flies so fast. The older you get the faster it flies. Thanksgiving is once again looking right at us. This year is different tho. Mike's aunt is not well, she has ALS, and they feel this may be her last holiday. As such Mike is going upstate to be with her. As for me... well... I have been upstate and have NO desire to go back. As for my own family, well I am taking my mother and sister and Mike out to dinner next week, my own family drama involves cousins and I am soooo not looking forward to it. So I will be avoiding a bad situation as I am not sure I could hold my tongue and keep things civil. But I was invited up to MA for Thanksgiving.

So, I am hoping my manager will let me leave early on Wednesday so I can get up there and give me off on Friday. The day after Thanksgiving is dead... Thanksgiving day (yes we are open Thanksgiving day) is full of last minute buyers but nothing insane. The day before Thanksgiving can be quite crazy tho. I have already done the hard part of telling my mother we'd be coming down the week before for dinner on me.

Now to just confirm with Jae the Thanksgiving events. God I talk to damn much to say relatively little. Til next time!

-Daemian

Tell Them That You Love Them!

Ever notice how sometimes, in the middle of all of the mess that is your life, you get the urge to tell the people in your life how much they mean to you? But then of course something happens and your attention gets diverted from that. Whatever it may be you forget to tell them what you are thinking.

My mother and I send emails to each other constantly. I may not be able to visit her often but I can still talk on the phone or via email. Now I don't know if this is a mistake for me to do, but I am going to share with you guys the last email I sent to her and her reply.

So you are not lost as to what I am talking about in the email I will give a brief backstory.

My mother and I trade dirty jokes, and goings' on daily almost. In her last email to me she said something about giving my aunt barb (Aunt Bob, she was always female but I couldn't say 'Barb' as a child so it always came out as 'Bob') money to go towards her and my little cousins cruise. She feels a duty to do this because this particular aunt has been going through it if you get my drift. My mother is also a bit trouble about her best friend who has been behaving in a manner unfriend like.

My emails to my mother can sometimes be train of thought-ish. I got the urge to pretty much say what I had been thinking. I lost the chance to let my deceased aunt (there were 3 aunts), the most important one in my life, know how I felt about her. So when I am struck to express my feelings to those in my life I try to do so the moment I think it. I don't want to miss that chance ever again.

Here is my reply to that email. Yes I always sign my emails to my mom "Your Sun" given that the Sun is the base of Son and is thus for a reason.

____________________________

Aunt Bob... man I love that woman too. Over the years I have gotten to know so much about her. Things I don't even think Bianca knows and they were tight. LOL. Aunt Bob has had a very interesting past. She regrets a lot of it, I think she shouldn't. She lived life, that's all. Nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes she feels that her past is the cause for some of Jazz's short comings. They are not. Things and events occur for a reason.

She was meant to have Jazz as he is. Her past has nothing to do with it. But, the fact that she has regrets shows that she is and always was a very good person with good intentions. She has always been there for all of us. She deserves as much as she can get. She's nuts, make no mistake, but in a good and indearing way. LOL.

I wish I had enough material things to help and show my appreciation for not only you but also for your sisters. They have all treated me and Bianca so well. Despite any underlying oddness. I am very lucky. I tell people that all the time. I am lucky. Was my childhood troubled? Yes. Was my family in their many forms there to keep me sane? Definitely.

Aunt Verna for instance, she dotes too much. For her own children this may have given them this sense of never NEEDING to grow up. She lied to herself about it, and still does. But that is her winning formula. I was around her just long enough to benefit without it being a detriment. Aunt Bob showed me to live life hard and fast. She was always on the go and doing things. I may not have that energy, but she showed me I can live life on my own terms.

Aunt Pat showed me how to use the love you have that you have no outlet for to make some else happy. She had no kids of her own, but she had that love to give. She gave to us and I will always remember and cherish that.

Then there is you. Lord if I don't get my wit, intelligence, tenacity, artisticness and strength from you. You showed me that even though we don't always make the right choices we have to go on. Even though things did not turn out like we thought they would, we have to go on. Even when others put us down and try to keep us there, we have to go on. A single mother, fighting to stay afloat in the midst of money problems, relationship problems and fear... we have to go on. Fear nothing and fear no one. The unknown is not something to be afraid of. If you have to put yourself out there and take a chance, be brave and do it.

You all deserve a damn cruise! At the very least. Think about what we have been through and how we came out of it. Some would say I should be dead or behind bars. I do recognize they are right. And that is not only my own doing, but yours as well. All of you gals. All of you had something to do with it. Granted I have to give myself some credit in this too. I had to have the eyes to see it. I saw it.

If I could make all of your lives easy, I would. If I could send you all on cruise, just to say thank you... I would.

So do send Aunt Bob money, give Aunt Verna your love and give yourself all the reasons you need to succeed. You spent too long taking care of other people. It is your turn. Pat will do her thing and like I said, she has been with you in many chapters of your book. Maybe it is her time to not be in the next chapter. Tho that does not mean she will not make a triumphant return in the chapter after that.



Love you always,

Your Sun
_______________________________________

This is my mother reply. I almost cried.
_______________________________________

Yes my dear Sun, you have the wisdom of a man and I am very proud of you and always have been, and will always love you no matter what and will always be with you, you are my child and you will be a great person in your own rights and people are going to know who you are, just wait, and you will see.

You will be blessed with good health wealth and prosperity, trust your old mom she knows what she is talking about. And never forget your little sister she loves you too.

Love Mom
_____________________________________

What she says in it may not be that special. But to know that your parent is proud of you. To know that she has noticed. That she does care. That I have not somehow disappointed her was overwhelming.

I am an out and proud gay man. Make no mistake. But sometimes I feel bad about it. Not so much about being gay, more about not giving her what I know she wanted. She wanted to be a grandmother by now. She wanted her only son to be the one to give her that first grandchild. She wanted to feel that joy of a baby again. My sister is rather young, 24, and is not so into having a kid just yet. I don't blame her, she has more life to live yet.

If anything, I always felt that I disappointed my mother somehow... irrational I know. She is a bit Archie Bunker-ish in her speaking, but much like Archie she is not really racist or homophobic but more a product of her era. She loves Mike, thinks he is a good - albeit small - guy. She has never seen me so happy to hear her say it. But she is a rock in my life.

So I am saying it not only to you mom but to the world in this blog. I love you. I am a better man because of you.

I spoke about losing my most cherished of the aunts without her knowing how I truly felt. This devastated me. I was a troubled child that gave her a lot of grief for nothing. All she ever did was love me. She even saved my ass from a ew well deserved spankings. She lived with us and worked as a nurses aid. Our Christmas' were always great. See she had no kids of her own and my sister and myself were those children she never had. Even as I sit here and remember some of the horrible things I had said to her out of childish anger as a child I tear up.

I know it was trivial. I was a child. Who holds a child accountable for childish shit right? I know she didn't. But what meant more to me was that I never said I was sorry. I never apologized to her for it. I wanted to, so many times I wanted to. But I never did.
Anyone who knows me knows that you do not call me after 10pm nor during my shows. But she was the only one who could get away with it. Given her schedule, late nights was like her 6pm. So she would come home and like clockwork would call me at 12am and we would talk for hours. I didn't care. I loved her and she loved me. It got to the point that I would just stay awake because I knew she'd be calling. After she died it took about a year before I could fall asleep before 12am. Even now, I have a hard time some nights sleeping before 12am.

So I am saying it here, for the world to see. I love you Aunt Pat (not to be confused with my mothers best friend pat). I love you and I am sorry. I am sorry I never made sure you knew I loved you by saying it. I am sorry I never told you how much I missed you when you moved out. I am sorry I never told you how much I missed you when I moved to NYC. I am sorry I never told you I was sorry for the things I said and did as a child. I am sorry. You were my other mother and losing you was the hardest thing to ever endure. I miss you and I love you.

To Michael... what can I say. 10 years. 10 years of ups and downs, a few roundabouts and more than our fair share of fights. We have been through a lot together. We had gone from rags to riches back to rags and once again working oursleves back up. Despite all of this, we are still together and still in love. I know I have said it before, but I love you. I appreciate you. Sometimes it may seem like I don't, I am a moody son of a bitch. But I do, waking up in the morning next to you gives me no greater pleasure to compare it to. It stands above the others. No matter what mistakes I make or you make... I love you.

I guess the moral of this blog is to tell them. Tell the ones in your life that made you who you are. Tell those who you have fallen in love with. Tell them that you love them. You could put it off for a day, a week, a month, or even an hour and lose the chance to ever say it. So say it!

I love you.