So I am on vacation. Spending some time with my family down in New Jersey. Plan is to see my father today. The man apparently is dying. He has Sorosis of the Liver or something like that. I am just a computer tech, I don't know much about fixing a human. But I will see him today. See how he is doing. I barely know him so I don't rightly know how I feel about this news. Should I feel sad? Angry? Lost? I don't know. I felt all of those things a long time ago in regards to him. Once I gave up on him I had no need for those feelings towards him anymore. He is but a stranger to me.
I have to see my aunt as well. It is a sad thing. Her own children are killing her slowly. Two of them refuse to become adults. They feed off of her daily. contributing nothing, having her care for their children and then have the balls to behave as if the world owes them something. As if my sister and I had some unfair advantage. In a way we did I guess. Discipline. We are by no means perfect children. But we turned out to be children that my mother can be proud of. Children that she does not have to worry about. Children that are not killing her slowly but egging her to live on. She wants to see how far our story can go before she is gone.
I have these horrid mood swings. Recently I have been in my "feeling like a plague" phase. Like everything I have touched in the last 13years of my life have done nothing but turn to shit. Every attempt at good I make, folds in on itself. As if I am cursed to never be able to make my own way. Every effort is faced with serious opposition. As if there is something that wants me to fail, fall or stumble. Like I have no choice but to constantly struggle. There is no rest for the wicked, I guess in my younger days I was rather wicked. Perhaps this is my penance.
I needed this break. If even a small break. I feel like a hero to my family. Like I have actually done well. They make me forget all the bullshit I have become clouded with. They force me to empty my cup. Life, love, money... none of it matters when I am making them laugh or making them remember. None of it matters when I realize that I have not done too badly. That in one years time I have both torn my life down and have almost fully rebuilt it. I am leaps and bounds ahead of where most others would have been in the course of one year. Visiting my family is giving me that reason to do better. To finish this story. To reach my own potential of which I have barely even scratched the surface of.
Someone said to me, "I thought you were different. But yer just like everyone else. I forgot you were just human.". Well... I realize something else. I am different. I am not like everyone else. But I am still, just human. In that, there is something amazing. I have beaten the odds, without a stacked deck. I am different indeed. My family only reflects it.
I may have only been here a day, but I am ready to return to my life. A life that I am finishing the rebuilding of. A life that I can live on my own, with no one. A life that I can share, with anyone. Realizing the ultimate truth. This would be year 4 of my personal discovery, as I have written about before. The closer I get to understanding it the farther away from it I am. Or am I?
- D
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