Imagine a world in which your people have had to fight for basic civil rights. The right to marry, the right to live, the right to have the same opportunities, the right to be free. Imagine a world in which your people fought for and won the fight to gain full equality in stature and basic civil rights. Imagine that same lineage now participating in the deprivation of those same basic civil rights of someone else. Sounds horrible yes? Sounds depraved yes? Sounds like a throw back to a different time that was thought to be over and done with doesn't it? Sounds like the type of thing that could only be a part of the past and a far cry from the present and the future.
This is the world in which we live today. Many people try to differentiate the fight for African American civil rights and the fight for Gays civil rights. We need a wake up call. These too fights are the same. Basic civil rights and equality under the law. Some may want to throw around religion, separation of church and state. We as Americans have the right to follow whatever faith we want. We however do not have the right to force those beliefs upon someone else. That is the very basic foundation for which this country was founded. So we shall leave religion out of this little discussion. Basic civil rights and equality under the law.
Some would say, "Well African Americans had to endure some of the harshest conditions to get those rights both before and after.". This is true, but so have Gays. In fact, while it is not socially acceptable to run around calling black people niggers it is still very acceptable to call a homosexual a faggot. Both are slurs, both hurt to hear and both place a stigma on a single group of people.
In the black community, one that has fought tooth and nail for legal equality, gays are treated much like blacks were all those years ago. It is a community that fosters being "on the DL", fear, hatred and violence. Those very same things that very community fought against. How can we as a race of people deny the civil rights and legal equality of anyone? We of all people should know better. If it is against your religion that is fine, but you don't have the right to deny someone else life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness... especially given African American history. The African American Community and the Homosexual Community share this common struggle. Lets see if you can tell the difference between these events.
Midwest, a man is found bound, naked, beaten and bloody. No one knows his name. No one knows any other reason as to why this happened.
Name: John Doe
Age: approx. 30
Race: Black
Reason: He was black.
Midwest, a man is found bound to a herding fence, naked, beaten and bloody. We do know his name. We do know why this happened.
Name: Matthew Shepard
Age: approx. early 20s
Race: White
Reason: He was gay.
New York City, a small bar in the village. Police perform their normal raid in which they harrass, beat and arrest mutiple people for being who they are and congregating. This leads to a minor riot that sparked a nation wide movement.
Place: The Stone Wall Inn
Do I really have to go on about this? We can see the similarities and the commonalities. The Gay Community and the Black Community would better serve each other by fighting on the same side. To have any member of the African American community deprive someone else of basic human rights is a travesty and blatant hypocrisy.
Over the next few weeks I intend to do a small series of articles to touch on a few subjects pertinent to the Gay Black Community. Subject such as being on the dl, false machismo, civil rights and the gay black renaissance. Who am I to write such things? I am a gay black male that got to look at the black community and its interaction with the gay community from the outside looking in.
Showing posts with label strange days. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strange days. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Mixed Emotions and Freeing Oneself
So I have just been a big ol' bag of emotions the past few weeks. This has been a VERY hard year and an even more difficult holiday season.
Still getting used to being alone. This shit is much harder than it looked on paper. Basically for the past billion years I have not ever been alone. Went from home to roommates to a husband to roommates. Being on my own has been hard. I have been in such a mad dash to find another boyfriend that I lost track of what it is I should be doing. Seems I bore myself to tears. I was so blinded by this that I entered into a relationship that proved to be more drama than I needed and only left me feeling more lonely. Yeah...
To top it all off this is my first holiday season without my family being within arms reach. Talk about depressing. It's also a season of painful anniversaries. Thanksgiving was when I realized me and my husband had to end, this Thanksgiving made year one of that pain. This entire month of December marks the one year anniversary of living with my ex and dealing with the damage that inflicted. I have been working a shit ton and trying to build lasting friendships. So I have been having a very hard time dealing with my emotions. Dealing with the relationship that is so hot and cold only made things worse. So I am gonna just try and enjoy being alone. Don't know how I am gonna do that.. but I have to give it a shot. Feels like I keep respeccing my life. WoW players will get that one, and my fellow WoW-mates will totally agree that it's my M.O. LOL.
Some days I could cry all day, some days I am content, some days I could beat the crap out of every person I see, some days I just miss my family, some days I miss my Mike, most days I miss Jeremy. Been considering going back on meds as this is feeling a bit more manic than I am used to dealing with. I mean I even got into a fight in which I all but obliterated some asshole. Granted.. he had it coming in calling me a faggot, but I hadn't lost control like that in years.
I then find out one of my old clients and someone I considered a friend died of cancer a few days ago. I guess one really can't just leave it all behind. You can't do it because you leave a mark everywhere you go. I felt selfish, spoke to his wife and she said how he was upset I was no longer in NYC and that he often spoke of me fondly. I felt terrible that I hadn't been in contact with him since my move. I was selfish in just picking up and leaving. So there is also my dealing with those emotions. Who knows tho.. if I can come out of this ok without meds it would make me that much stronger, if I got back on the meds its just me using a crutch. taking the easy way out.
I am very thankful in that I have made 2 VERY good friends. Mike and Seamus. They have been taking good care of me here in Boston, but I often feel like the third wheel. They are married.
I am so confused. If I can make it to January 3rd, the anniversary of my true freedom... perhaps I will be ok.
- D
Still getting used to being alone. This shit is much harder than it looked on paper. Basically for the past billion years I have not ever been alone. Went from home to roommates to a husband to roommates. Being on my own has been hard. I have been in such a mad dash to find another boyfriend that I lost track of what it is I should be doing. Seems I bore myself to tears. I was so blinded by this that I entered into a relationship that proved to be more drama than I needed and only left me feeling more lonely. Yeah...
To top it all off this is my first holiday season without my family being within arms reach. Talk about depressing. It's also a season of painful anniversaries. Thanksgiving was when I realized me and my husband had to end, this Thanksgiving made year one of that pain. This entire month of December marks the one year anniversary of living with my ex and dealing with the damage that inflicted. I have been working a shit ton and trying to build lasting friendships. So I have been having a very hard time dealing with my emotions. Dealing with the relationship that is so hot and cold only made things worse. So I am gonna just try and enjoy being alone. Don't know how I am gonna do that.. but I have to give it a shot. Feels like I keep respeccing my life. WoW players will get that one, and my fellow WoW-mates will totally agree that it's my M.O. LOL.
Some days I could cry all day, some days I am content, some days I could beat the crap out of every person I see, some days I just miss my family, some days I miss my Mike, most days I miss Jeremy. Been considering going back on meds as this is feeling a bit more manic than I am used to dealing with. I mean I even got into a fight in which I all but obliterated some asshole. Granted.. he had it coming in calling me a faggot, but I hadn't lost control like that in years.
I then find out one of my old clients and someone I considered a friend died of cancer a few days ago. I guess one really can't just leave it all behind. You can't do it because you leave a mark everywhere you go. I felt selfish, spoke to his wife and she said how he was upset I was no longer in NYC and that he often spoke of me fondly. I felt terrible that I hadn't been in contact with him since my move. I was selfish in just picking up and leaving. So there is also my dealing with those emotions. Who knows tho.. if I can come out of this ok without meds it would make me that much stronger, if I got back on the meds its just me using a crutch. taking the easy way out.
I am very thankful in that I have made 2 VERY good friends. Mike and Seamus. They have been taking good care of me here in Boston, but I often feel like the third wheel. They are married.
I am so confused. If I can make it to January 3rd, the anniversary of my true freedom... perhaps I will be ok.
- D
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Then Suddenly...
The ground falls from beneath me. As quickly as love found me, love has left me. I am not as upset as I should be. In reality, I sort of saw this coming. My new ex simply did not love himself. As admitted, I was too good to be true. I was like something unreal. Something that his subconscious kept trying to wake up from. He was waiting for the ground to fall from beneath him. For the other shoe to drop. I guess it did not bode well for him. He was always worried that I was going to leave him and hurt him.
It would seem that Boston men have a lot of issues. They are treated so poorly by their own that when one comes along that treats them well, it is unbelievable. Part of my own emotional baggage is to fix mistakes of the past. As seen in my staunch disapproval of domestic violence. I grew up with domestic violence and vowed to never let that cycle continue. So no matter how angry I got.. I may yell, I may argue... but I will never get in my lovers face nor would I ever physically hurt them. Additional baggage would be in that I may not have been the best when it came to how I treated Michael. I treat him like a child. Like someone who needed constant guidance and protection. He is a grown man and needs neither. In realizing this I have decided to treat my lover very well. To instill in myself this will to be a great man for my lover. As it would seem this is too much for those who take their baggage negatively to handle.
I treated Joey too well. As bizarre as it seems, I did. We all idealize this great relationship in which we are treated well and with respect. Is it really what we want tho? Not that treating him well was outside of the "Me". It was not, it was in fact the man I have always wanted to be and found it in myself to become. It was me. But it seems that even trying to show someone that not all gay men are all the same is not something we seem to want. Do men really want to be treated poorly? Because it is more in line to their accepted reality? Have we become so jaded? Do I give up on being a good man and find that side of myself that is, for all intents and purposes, a "manizer"? When I gave up on dating and treated men like garbage I found no end in the supply of guys who wanted to date me.
In all reality it probably would not have worked between me and Joey. I mean.. we are both tops. I bottomed and enjoyed it with him because I opened my heart up to love him. Love him I did. But let us be realistic.... I am a top. Maybe I would have hurt him at some point. Perhaps at some point I would have fucked every bottom that shook his ass like a bitch in heat. Perhaps I would have broken up with him over purely sexual reasons. Who knows. I was willing to try tho. It did feel like we were always hanging over an edge. Me being well grounded holding him, dangling, over the edge... trying my hardest to not let go. He was aware of his predicament. I promised him I would not let go. Not let him fall... but I can not hold on if he let go. Well... he let go. He fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
We had a decent 2 months. Everytime we were together it was fantastic. When we weren't together he would go into this tailspin. If I showed even the slightest displeasure or disappointment he would try to "give me an out". He felt he did not deserve me and that I deserved better. I can not fix that. So I am single again. I don't do the whole break up and make up thing. I just don't. Does that mean I won't get back together with him? I don't know. I hope he fixes himself. When he does... I may be here... I may not. Such is life. Funny enough.. I am not as upset as I should be. I am hurt, make no mistake, but I am not a mess. I do think I am done with putting my heart out there to have it shat on. I do think I will go back to just using men for sex and nothing more. It is what it is right?
- D
It would seem that Boston men have a lot of issues. They are treated so poorly by their own that when one comes along that treats them well, it is unbelievable. Part of my own emotional baggage is to fix mistakes of the past. As seen in my staunch disapproval of domestic violence. I grew up with domestic violence and vowed to never let that cycle continue. So no matter how angry I got.. I may yell, I may argue... but I will never get in my lovers face nor would I ever physically hurt them. Additional baggage would be in that I may not have been the best when it came to how I treated Michael. I treat him like a child. Like someone who needed constant guidance and protection. He is a grown man and needs neither. In realizing this I have decided to treat my lover very well. To instill in myself this will to be a great man for my lover. As it would seem this is too much for those who take their baggage negatively to handle.
I treated Joey too well. As bizarre as it seems, I did. We all idealize this great relationship in which we are treated well and with respect. Is it really what we want tho? Not that treating him well was outside of the "Me". It was not, it was in fact the man I have always wanted to be and found it in myself to become. It was me. But it seems that even trying to show someone that not all gay men are all the same is not something we seem to want. Do men really want to be treated poorly? Because it is more in line to their accepted reality? Have we become so jaded? Do I give up on being a good man and find that side of myself that is, for all intents and purposes, a "manizer"? When I gave up on dating and treated men like garbage I found no end in the supply of guys who wanted to date me.
In all reality it probably would not have worked between me and Joey. I mean.. we are both tops. I bottomed and enjoyed it with him because I opened my heart up to love him. Love him I did. But let us be realistic.... I am a top. Maybe I would have hurt him at some point. Perhaps at some point I would have fucked every bottom that shook his ass like a bitch in heat. Perhaps I would have broken up with him over purely sexual reasons. Who knows. I was willing to try tho. It did feel like we were always hanging over an edge. Me being well grounded holding him, dangling, over the edge... trying my hardest to not let go. He was aware of his predicament. I promised him I would not let go. Not let him fall... but I can not hold on if he let go. Well... he let go. He fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
We had a decent 2 months. Everytime we were together it was fantastic. When we weren't together he would go into this tailspin. If I showed even the slightest displeasure or disappointment he would try to "give me an out". He felt he did not deserve me and that I deserved better. I can not fix that. So I am single again. I don't do the whole break up and make up thing. I just don't. Does that mean I won't get back together with him? I don't know. I hope he fixes himself. When he does... I may be here... I may not. Such is life. Funny enough.. I am not as upset as I should be. I am hurt, make no mistake, but I am not a mess. I do think I am done with putting my heart out there to have it shat on. I do think I will go back to just using men for sex and nothing more. It is what it is right?
- D
Monday, November 3, 2008
A Visit to Jersey...
So I am on vacation. Spending some time with my family down in New Jersey. Plan is to see my father today. The man apparently is dying. He has Sorosis of the Liver or something like that. I am just a computer tech, I don't know much about fixing a human. But I will see him today. See how he is doing. I barely know him so I don't rightly know how I feel about this news. Should I feel sad? Angry? Lost? I don't know. I felt all of those things a long time ago in regards to him. Once I gave up on him I had no need for those feelings towards him anymore. He is but a stranger to me.
I have to see my aunt as well. It is a sad thing. Her own children are killing her slowly. Two of them refuse to become adults. They feed off of her daily. contributing nothing, having her care for their children and then have the balls to behave as if the world owes them something. As if my sister and I had some unfair advantage. In a way we did I guess. Discipline. We are by no means perfect children. But we turned out to be children that my mother can be proud of. Children that she does not have to worry about. Children that are not killing her slowly but egging her to live on. She wants to see how far our story can go before she is gone.
I have these horrid mood swings. Recently I have been in my "feeling like a plague" phase. Like everything I have touched in the last 13years of my life have done nothing but turn to shit. Every attempt at good I make, folds in on itself. As if I am cursed to never be able to make my own way. Every effort is faced with serious opposition. As if there is something that wants me to fail, fall or stumble. Like I have no choice but to constantly struggle. There is no rest for the wicked, I guess in my younger days I was rather wicked. Perhaps this is my penance.
I needed this break. If even a small break. I feel like a hero to my family. Like I have actually done well. They make me forget all the bullshit I have become clouded with. They force me to empty my cup. Life, love, money... none of it matters when I am making them laugh or making them remember. None of it matters when I realize that I have not done too badly. That in one years time I have both torn my life down and have almost fully rebuilt it. I am leaps and bounds ahead of where most others would have been in the course of one year. Visiting my family is giving me that reason to do better. To finish this story. To reach my own potential of which I have barely even scratched the surface of.
Someone said to me, "I thought you were different. But yer just like everyone else. I forgot you were just human.". Well... I realize something else. I am different. I am not like everyone else. But I am still, just human. In that, there is something amazing. I have beaten the odds, without a stacked deck. I am different indeed. My family only reflects it.
I may have only been here a day, but I am ready to return to my life. A life that I am finishing the rebuilding of. A life that I can live on my own, with no one. A life that I can share, with anyone. Realizing the ultimate truth. This would be year 4 of my personal discovery, as I have written about before. The closer I get to understanding it the farther away from it I am. Or am I?
- D
I have to see my aunt as well. It is a sad thing. Her own children are killing her slowly. Two of them refuse to become adults. They feed off of her daily. contributing nothing, having her care for their children and then have the balls to behave as if the world owes them something. As if my sister and I had some unfair advantage. In a way we did I guess. Discipline. We are by no means perfect children. But we turned out to be children that my mother can be proud of. Children that she does not have to worry about. Children that are not killing her slowly but egging her to live on. She wants to see how far our story can go before she is gone.
I have these horrid mood swings. Recently I have been in my "feeling like a plague" phase. Like everything I have touched in the last 13years of my life have done nothing but turn to shit. Every attempt at good I make, folds in on itself. As if I am cursed to never be able to make my own way. Every effort is faced with serious opposition. As if there is something that wants me to fail, fall or stumble. Like I have no choice but to constantly struggle. There is no rest for the wicked, I guess in my younger days I was rather wicked. Perhaps this is my penance.
I needed this break. If even a small break. I feel like a hero to my family. Like I have actually done well. They make me forget all the bullshit I have become clouded with. They force me to empty my cup. Life, love, money... none of it matters when I am making them laugh or making them remember. None of it matters when I realize that I have not done too badly. That in one years time I have both torn my life down and have almost fully rebuilt it. I am leaps and bounds ahead of where most others would have been in the course of one year. Visiting my family is giving me that reason to do better. To finish this story. To reach my own potential of which I have barely even scratched the surface of.
Someone said to me, "I thought you were different. But yer just like everyone else. I forgot you were just human.". Well... I realize something else. I am different. I am not like everyone else. But I am still, just human. In that, there is something amazing. I have beaten the odds, without a stacked deck. I am different indeed. My family only reflects it.
I may have only been here a day, but I am ready to return to my life. A life that I am finishing the rebuilding of. A life that I can live on my own, with no one. A life that I can share, with anyone. Realizing the ultimate truth. This would be year 4 of my personal discovery, as I have written about before. The closer I get to understanding it the farther away from it I am. Or am I?
- D
Friday, October 17, 2008
Update!!
So I don't yet have internet access but here is a small update.
My apartment is empty. I mean fucking empty. It's exhausting living there. LOL. But on the bright side I picked up some speakers for my computer today, gonna get my TV ordered and my internet access order through.
On the relationship front, I have started seeing someone. His name is Joey. He is oh so nice if a bit cunty. I like that tho. We are just in general... nice to each other. I respect him and he respects me. It's interesting how my expectations for a relationship have changed. I know what I had in the past with Mike. I know what we lacked and I now feel like I am deserving of it all. As such I have to give what I expect to receive. I expect respect... I have to give it. I expect loving behavior... I have to give it. He's a cuddler. I never really knew I had that in me... but I do. I love just being held.
I think I am falling for this guy. We have been talking for months now as friends and it seems that is what's working in our favor. As much as I have fought it, out of fear of course... I can't help this. He is breaking down my walls diligently. I don't want to get hurt. It can't be the right time. But no one ever got anywhere being afraid and if we all wait for the right time we may as well be waiting for Godot.
Well that is all for now.
Can't wait to get internets.
Laters chulos.
- D
My apartment is empty. I mean fucking empty. It's exhausting living there. LOL. But on the bright side I picked up some speakers for my computer today, gonna get my TV ordered and my internet access order through.
On the relationship front, I have started seeing someone. His name is Joey. He is oh so nice if a bit cunty. I like that tho. We are just in general... nice to each other. I respect him and he respects me. It's interesting how my expectations for a relationship have changed. I know what I had in the past with Mike. I know what we lacked and I now feel like I am deserving of it all. As such I have to give what I expect to receive. I expect respect... I have to give it. I expect loving behavior... I have to give it. He's a cuddler. I never really knew I had that in me... but I do. I love just being held.
I think I am falling for this guy. We have been talking for months now as friends and it seems that is what's working in our favor. As much as I have fought it, out of fear of course... I can't help this. He is breaking down my walls diligently. I don't want to get hurt. It can't be the right time. But no one ever got anywhere being afraid and if we all wait for the right time we may as well be waiting for Godot.
Well that is all for now.
Can't wait to get internets.
Laters chulos.
- D
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
New Apartment!
Well well well... I found myself an apartment! It's a 1 bedroom apartment, so I will finally be living by myself. It's in East Boston and will only cost me $750 a month which is damn good for an apartment in Boston. The bedroom is TINY. I mean I think it will accommodate my bed... and that is it. LOL. The living room is pretty nice and the kitchen is HUGE! Eat in kitchen W00T! I am also on the first floor, which means the backyard is mine! BBQ's and parties baby!
I am intending to move in next week which will be fabulous if I can manage to get some help in the driving portion of it all. Let's hope!
Gotta have my Jaeryd come over and help me ring in the new apartment with booze and crappy movies.
Coming up on one year since me and Mike ended... I don't know how I feel about this quite yet. We shall see how it goes.
Wish me luck chulos!
;)
- D
I am intending to move in next week which will be fabulous if I can manage to get some help in the driving portion of it all. Let's hope!
Gotta have my Jaeryd come over and help me ring in the new apartment with booze and crappy movies.
Coming up on one year since me and Mike ended... I don't know how I feel about this quite yet. We shall see how it goes.
Wish me luck chulos!
;)
- D
Monday, September 15, 2008
A Most Stressful and Odd Week...
Talk about an odd and stressful week. I mean I find out last weekend that I have to find a new place to live. Long story. Then I seem to be slowing down at work but maintaining my numbers, for the love of God. Then I meet my Ex's... ex... Yes, you heard me. I had to live with this spectre of my Ex's first love hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles for the past ten years. Hell this has been a weird last 2 weeks really. I mean I had my first 3 way in over a decade, and it was HOT! Now this Ex's ex thing.
Well I think the even weirder part is that I didn't just meet my Ex's ex. I also kissed him. Talk about surreal. In talking to him further I came to realize that to him, Michael was 10 years ago. That those feelings don't exist for him. For me it's only be close to a year. It's still fresh.
We exchanged numbers, shared our similarly twisted and odd sense of humors... I mean... eerie.
So I am back on the hunt for an apartment or roommates. I am on my way now to check something out in Dorchester. I don't really know what else to say. I mean I just can't seem to get it all together in my head to talk about. So I am just giving you guys what has happened.
Oh I left out that there is a guy I like, but I don't date. So its even stranger.
Whatever...
- Daemian
Well I think the even weirder part is that I didn't just meet my Ex's ex. I also kissed him. Talk about surreal. In talking to him further I came to realize that to him, Michael was 10 years ago. That those feelings don't exist for him. For me it's only be close to a year. It's still fresh.
We exchanged numbers, shared our similarly twisted and odd sense of humors... I mean... eerie.
So I am back on the hunt for an apartment or roommates. I am on my way now to check something out in Dorchester. I don't really know what else to say. I mean I just can't seem to get it all together in my head to talk about. So I am just giving you guys what has happened.
Oh I left out that there is a guy I like, but I don't date. So its even stranger.
Whatever...
- Daemian
Monday, August 18, 2008
The One With a Soul Suddenly Becomes Soul-less...
I am sorry that it has been a while since I have last posted. Work has been murder. Between that damn new iPhone release and Tax Free Holiday I have been balls deep in tech support.
It is interesting to see how time changes. It is even more interesting to watch time change you and not have the soul to correct a damaged heart. Perhaps I am still heart broken, too heart broken to stop the changes I am witnessing within myself. I must admit that I am becoming jaded. Not bitter... just jaded. Funny enough the more flippant, nonchalant, egotistical, jaded and soul-less I become the more the hot guys seem to want me. And not just want me, but want to date me. I have tried dating and have come to the conclusion that romantic love is a farce. A trick of the mind. A chemical reaction that forces one to give up everything for someone else. To give 110% to someone who may or may not return the favor. I am not mad at life... life has been rather good to me. Lucky in life even. But love is on my shit list. Romantic love. As such I have done to myself what I have sworn I would not do. I am becoming one of those fags that use other men for sex and is more than content to be by himself. I hadn't lost all hope until recently. Perhaps it is the way I have been treated, perhaps it is who I have always been and just chose to not accept it. This isn't a blog post to bitch. It is merely to express my current state of mind.
I have become cold and I am to stubborn, too lazy or too heartbroken to change it.
It really hit me last night. I had this hot guy over... and I mean fucking hot. He was about 5'10, Blond with stunning blue eyes. An ass that was tight yet could be relaxed to keep one pelvis feeling good, ready and able. We had a great night. I mean it was worth every drop of sweat that we let out. In the end I told him I would love to see him again. As I am not looking to be a slut and would like something more steady. He then said, "I would love to, but I am unable to date you." To which my response was, "*laughter* Hon... I don't want to date you. I just want to fuck you.". The look on his face was one of disappointment. As if he was really just playing hard to get and was upset that I was not playing into the game. Perhaps he was just used to every trick he has falling in love with him and I for once did not. Who knows... but what I do know is that in that instant... that moment in time... I had lost my soul.
I woke up this morning rather cold, flippant and arrogant about the day that lay before me. I can almost predict exactly what will come, how I will handle it and that I will do it with style. I guess I have always been self centered, perhaps that is why Mike and I crumbled. Although he had all of me I don't think he truly knew it nor felt it. I don't have to worry about making that mistake again. I know I hurt him more than he hurt me when I broke up with him. I had always threatened it but never did it. When it was real this time I know it crushed him. I did it because of how I felt. It was always about me. Well I do see. I am all about me and I am either too lazy, too stubborn, too arrogant or too heartbroken to change it. I don't need to be fixed.
- D
It is interesting to see how time changes. It is even more interesting to watch time change you and not have the soul to correct a damaged heart. Perhaps I am still heart broken, too heart broken to stop the changes I am witnessing within myself. I must admit that I am becoming jaded. Not bitter... just jaded. Funny enough the more flippant, nonchalant, egotistical, jaded and soul-less I become the more the hot guys seem to want me. And not just want me, but want to date me. I have tried dating and have come to the conclusion that romantic love is a farce. A trick of the mind. A chemical reaction that forces one to give up everything for someone else. To give 110% to someone who may or may not return the favor. I am not mad at life... life has been rather good to me. Lucky in life even. But love is on my shit list. Romantic love. As such I have done to myself what I have sworn I would not do. I am becoming one of those fags that use other men for sex and is more than content to be by himself. I hadn't lost all hope until recently. Perhaps it is the way I have been treated, perhaps it is who I have always been and just chose to not accept it. This isn't a blog post to bitch. It is merely to express my current state of mind.
I have become cold and I am to stubborn, too lazy or too heartbroken to change it.
It really hit me last night. I had this hot guy over... and I mean fucking hot. He was about 5'10, Blond with stunning blue eyes. An ass that was tight yet could be relaxed to keep one pelvis feeling good, ready and able. We had a great night. I mean it was worth every drop of sweat that we let out. In the end I told him I would love to see him again. As I am not looking to be a slut and would like something more steady. He then said, "I would love to, but I am unable to date you." To which my response was, "*laughter* Hon... I don't want to date you. I just want to fuck you.". The look on his face was one of disappointment. As if he was really just playing hard to get and was upset that I was not playing into the game. Perhaps he was just used to every trick he has falling in love with him and I for once did not. Who knows... but what I do know is that in that instant... that moment in time... I had lost my soul.
I woke up this morning rather cold, flippant and arrogant about the day that lay before me. I can almost predict exactly what will come, how I will handle it and that I will do it with style. I guess I have always been self centered, perhaps that is why Mike and I crumbled. Although he had all of me I don't think he truly knew it nor felt it. I don't have to worry about making that mistake again. I know I hurt him more than he hurt me when I broke up with him. I had always threatened it but never did it. When it was real this time I know it crushed him. I did it because of how I felt. It was always about me. Well I do see. I am all about me and I am either too lazy, too stubborn, too arrogant or too heartbroken to change it. I don't need to be fixed.
- D
Monday, January 14, 2008
May You Live In Interesting Times.
Ok... I am a little stoned, courtesy of D-Baby... girl I love you, so this post may get a tad random. So be warned. It is also a very, VERY personal post. I am glad to be able to share it. I don't think I have on my blog before.
Someone once told me of an old Chinese curse. May you live in interesting times. On the surface that doesn't all too bad. Who wouldn't want to live an interesting life? It is our optimism that downplays this curse. But the curse is two fold and contradictory. You see, interesting times as it was thought of in the curse is something akin to those who survived the events of 9/11. It was a tremendous tragedy. I was supposed to be there that day. If I were, I would surely be dead. If I had to witness it and survive it, regardless of the great loss it is none the less interesting. So in essence the curse is one that will have bad events happen to you... constantly. With no balance, you know... the good times and the bad.
But here in lies the contradiction. 9/11 is an extreme example. But lets tone it down and make it more interesting. Say that you are one that is cursed. Even though the events that occur are not pleasant, you do come out of it alive and the events themselves may be spectacular... even in their horror. But you survived every single one. So not only have you lived an interesting life, the content of your character and your inner strength can grow 10 fold.
So is it really a curse after all? You can argue yes, the events are tragic and no one should be subject to such things. You can argue no. That which does not kill you makes you stronger and you should be so blessed to really have your character and inner strength tested in such a way to inspire a dramatic breakthrough. A break through that some people wait their entire lives for and never achieve, not even at their moment of expiration.
Why the fuck am I talking about an old Chinese curse?
I have been thinking about the events of my life on a whole. I have had to endure some of the most horrible things imaginable by most who have not had to deal with such things. From the moment of birth my life has been interesting. I came into this world in an interesting way. Not everything in my life has been interesting in a negative way. I think I must be carrying the curse over from a past life. Hokey I know, but also remember I am a Buddhist. Reincarnation and Karma are not strangers to me. I also think I must have gained some fantastic inner strength and the gift of luck from that past. I always manage to come out ok and in a better position.
Take my birth for instance. It was very interesting. Interesting in that I almost killed myself and my mother during the delivery. Somehow, and they don't know how, I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. An emergency C section had to be performed as I was choking myself to death before the actual labor started. This also caused my mother to stop breathing and for a moment her heart stopped under the intensity of her blood pressure. But, I came out of it ok. I had tubes in my head and what not, my mothers recovery was long and difficult. But we came out of it... together. I think that is a key moment right there. That is where our relationship started. We came out of it together. She has never once really made me feel she was not proud of me. Nor not happy with me or not pleased that I was her son. She was always there. I had the strength given to me the moment we came out of it ok to fight. Inner Strength is the first gift I was given to combat the curse.
Fast forward a couple of years. Mom is not with dad. Dad denies I exist. My world is both rocked and calmed by the birth of my sister. An alcoholic threatens to destroy all that was me.
On the surface, once again these events sound not so great but one. A big one is dad not being there. My mother can raise me but she cannot show me how to be a man. That is something I think all boys need. Boys need to have a father. This tore me apart. The man who helped make me did not want to acknowledge I existed. Imagine that for one moment. What would knowing who your father is. Where your father is. Knowing you have other siblings out there... and having him not acknowledge you exist. Never come over, no happy birthday cards, no Christmas cards no help buying your first car, no father to son birds and the bees talk, no one to show you how to defend yourself, no one to throw a ball with, no father to see you play football or rugby or hockey. Yeah, that really can destroy your sense of self. Your sense of who you are and where you came from. But I survived. Not only did I survive, I beat the odds and turned out better than the children he claimd. How is that possible? Definitely an interest plot so far, even though it is tragic. This is only one background factor to a sum. I came out of it, during that time I learned that not only had I a gift of inner strength... I realized my gift of intellect. That intellect let me turn the situation around. Turn a negative into a positive. I knew that I was going to show him one day. I am going to be smarter than his others. I am going to play sports better than his others, I was going to treat my women (yes you heard me) better than his others. Tragic, interesting and contradictory.
The alcoholic was a HUGE piece of the interesting times I have been living. My mother fell in love.. with an alcoholic. Allen Brown. This man was someone who when sober was great. He was funny, he loved RC Cars he had a great voice. He could have been or done anything he wanted to do. But he had a higher power to answer to. That was booze. Now the key words here are "when he was sober". Problem is, he was never sober. When he was drunk he was a nasty, disgusting, verbally abusiv and violent drunk. The violence inflicted upon my mother and myself scarred me. My inner strength had failed me.... or so I thought.The wound that is now a scar took a lot of doing to heal. In fact the wound threatened my life. My sister was luckily not harmed in any of this except in the fact that she had to bear witness. You see sometimes a straw really can break a camels back and I broke. I was broken for a very long time. I had all of this pent up emotional shit. I was not always so open. I had withdrawn into myself. All I felt was cold and hate. I hated him and was too small for so long to be able to do anything about it. This made me act out in increasingly more hostile ways. My pet peeve was a bully. I would take on any bully that had the audacity to pick on someone smaller. I was constantly fighting until I became a bully myself. One slight twoards me meant a punch in the nose... then a broken nose. The worst I have ever done to someone was break their arm using my car door because he kicked my car. I was out of control. After going through an anger management program I learned to control my anger but I never saw the point. I was unhappy and there was no point to not harming myself. So I did. I emotionally scarred myself. I was sleeping with a lot of different guys (I always used protection... I wasn't that damn nuts) which only made me feel bad. I was out there just being a complete ass. Once I saw the abuse I put myself through my gift of inner strength sparked back into action. I began to use my intellect again. I began to change my life. Though it was a struggle... one more infraction and I was sure to either be in jail or dead at the age of 18. Interesting times indeed.
I had a light at the end of the tunnel. I met someone. The same someone whom I had to let go. His virtue is that he showed me that it was possible to be happy. My gift of luck was starting to shine through. Because it was sheer dumb luck that we met. He made me feel it was ok to let someone get close to me. That I was not going to be hurt. With a little love my wounds healed. I curbed my behavior... I had a reason to. My life got better. I built an entirely new life from scratch. One in which I loved and lived and provided for. Life can be great. But then we get complacent and forget the struggles we had to endure to get to where we are. We become smug basking in the opulence that life can be. I was no longer bound for jail or death. I was no longer feeling the need to be violent. I learned to control it. My inner strength shown through. It enabled me to learn self control. To let my feelings out. It changed who I was. I once again came out of it ok. Better than I was before.
But all things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever. He and I ended. What seem like a great tragedy is so far the biggest gift. We ended but I am ok. Not just ok... 10 yrs of life altering time. I am not the same person I Was before. I am so much better with so much more to offer. I finally feel good enough. I am starting from scratch, but guess what.... I have done it before I know I can do it again. I feel damn good about that. I know I am strong enough and good enough and loving enough. I am in love with me!
So is it really a curse to have to live in interesting times? If I had to give an honest answer I would say. No it is not a curse, it is the most difficult of blessings. So whoever cursed me in a past life, I thank you. It is at this moment, I feel my upcoming interesting times are going to be positive. I think I used up all the negative.
Thanks for reading this long ass post.
- Daemian
Someone once told me of an old Chinese curse. May you live in interesting times. On the surface that doesn't all too bad. Who wouldn't want to live an interesting life? It is our optimism that downplays this curse. But the curse is two fold and contradictory. You see, interesting times as it was thought of in the curse is something akin to those who survived the events of 9/11. It was a tremendous tragedy. I was supposed to be there that day. If I were, I would surely be dead. If I had to witness it and survive it, regardless of the great loss it is none the less interesting. So in essence the curse is one that will have bad events happen to you... constantly. With no balance, you know... the good times and the bad.
But here in lies the contradiction. 9/11 is an extreme example. But lets tone it down and make it more interesting. Say that you are one that is cursed. Even though the events that occur are not pleasant, you do come out of it alive and the events themselves may be spectacular... even in their horror. But you survived every single one. So not only have you lived an interesting life, the content of your character and your inner strength can grow 10 fold.
So is it really a curse after all? You can argue yes, the events are tragic and no one should be subject to such things. You can argue no. That which does not kill you makes you stronger and you should be so blessed to really have your character and inner strength tested in such a way to inspire a dramatic breakthrough. A break through that some people wait their entire lives for and never achieve, not even at their moment of expiration.
Why the fuck am I talking about an old Chinese curse?
I have been thinking about the events of my life on a whole. I have had to endure some of the most horrible things imaginable by most who have not had to deal with such things. From the moment of birth my life has been interesting. I came into this world in an interesting way. Not everything in my life has been interesting in a negative way. I think I must be carrying the curse over from a past life. Hokey I know, but also remember I am a Buddhist. Reincarnation and Karma are not strangers to me. I also think I must have gained some fantastic inner strength and the gift of luck from that past. I always manage to come out ok and in a better position.
Take my birth for instance. It was very interesting. Interesting in that I almost killed myself and my mother during the delivery. Somehow, and they don't know how, I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. An emergency C section had to be performed as I was choking myself to death before the actual labor started. This also caused my mother to stop breathing and for a moment her heart stopped under the intensity of her blood pressure. But, I came out of it ok. I had tubes in my head and what not, my mothers recovery was long and difficult. But we came out of it... together. I think that is a key moment right there. That is where our relationship started. We came out of it together. She has never once really made me feel she was not proud of me. Nor not happy with me or not pleased that I was her son. She was always there. I had the strength given to me the moment we came out of it ok to fight. Inner Strength is the first gift I was given to combat the curse.
Fast forward a couple of years. Mom is not with dad. Dad denies I exist. My world is both rocked and calmed by the birth of my sister. An alcoholic threatens to destroy all that was me.
On the surface, once again these events sound not so great but one. A big one is dad not being there. My mother can raise me but she cannot show me how to be a man. That is something I think all boys need. Boys need to have a father. This tore me apart. The man who helped make me did not want to acknowledge I existed. Imagine that for one moment. What would knowing who your father is. Where your father is. Knowing you have other siblings out there... and having him not acknowledge you exist. Never come over, no happy birthday cards, no Christmas cards no help buying your first car, no father to son birds and the bees talk, no one to show you how to defend yourself, no one to throw a ball with, no father to see you play football or rugby or hockey. Yeah, that really can destroy your sense of self. Your sense of who you are and where you came from. But I survived. Not only did I survive, I beat the odds and turned out better than the children he claimd. How is that possible? Definitely an interest plot so far, even though it is tragic. This is only one background factor to a sum. I came out of it, during that time I learned that not only had I a gift of inner strength... I realized my gift of intellect. That intellect let me turn the situation around. Turn a negative into a positive. I knew that I was going to show him one day. I am going to be smarter than his others. I am going to play sports better than his others, I was going to treat my women (yes you heard me) better than his others. Tragic, interesting and contradictory.
The alcoholic was a HUGE piece of the interesting times I have been living. My mother fell in love.. with an alcoholic. Allen Brown. This man was someone who when sober was great. He was funny, he loved RC Cars he had a great voice. He could have been or done anything he wanted to do. But he had a higher power to answer to. That was booze. Now the key words here are "when he was sober". Problem is, he was never sober. When he was drunk he was a nasty, disgusting, verbally abusiv and violent drunk. The violence inflicted upon my mother and myself scarred me. My inner strength had failed me.... or so I thought.The wound that is now a scar took a lot of doing to heal. In fact the wound threatened my life. My sister was luckily not harmed in any of this except in the fact that she had to bear witness. You see sometimes a straw really can break a camels back and I broke. I was broken for a very long time. I had all of this pent up emotional shit. I was not always so open. I had withdrawn into myself. All I felt was cold and hate. I hated him and was too small for so long to be able to do anything about it. This made me act out in increasingly more hostile ways. My pet peeve was a bully. I would take on any bully that had the audacity to pick on someone smaller. I was constantly fighting until I became a bully myself. One slight twoards me meant a punch in the nose... then a broken nose. The worst I have ever done to someone was break their arm using my car door because he kicked my car. I was out of control. After going through an anger management program I learned to control my anger but I never saw the point. I was unhappy and there was no point to not harming myself. So I did. I emotionally scarred myself. I was sleeping with a lot of different guys (I always used protection... I wasn't that damn nuts) which only made me feel bad. I was out there just being a complete ass. Once I saw the abuse I put myself through my gift of inner strength sparked back into action. I began to use my intellect again. I began to change my life. Though it was a struggle... one more infraction and I was sure to either be in jail or dead at the age of 18. Interesting times indeed.
I had a light at the end of the tunnel. I met someone. The same someone whom I had to let go. His virtue is that he showed me that it was possible to be happy. My gift of luck was starting to shine through. Because it was sheer dumb luck that we met. He made me feel it was ok to let someone get close to me. That I was not going to be hurt. With a little love my wounds healed. I curbed my behavior... I had a reason to. My life got better. I built an entirely new life from scratch. One in which I loved and lived and provided for. Life can be great. But then we get complacent and forget the struggles we had to endure to get to where we are. We become smug basking in the opulence that life can be. I was no longer bound for jail or death. I was no longer feeling the need to be violent. I learned to control it. My inner strength shown through. It enabled me to learn self control. To let my feelings out. It changed who I was. I once again came out of it ok. Better than I was before.
But all things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever. He and I ended. What seem like a great tragedy is so far the biggest gift. We ended but I am ok. Not just ok... 10 yrs of life altering time. I am not the same person I Was before. I am so much better with so much more to offer. I finally feel good enough. I am starting from scratch, but guess what.... I have done it before I know I can do it again. I feel damn good about that. I know I am strong enough and good enough and loving enough. I am in love with me!
So is it really a curse to have to live in interesting times? If I had to give an honest answer I would say. No it is not a curse, it is the most difficult of blessings. So whoever cursed me in a past life, I thank you. It is at this moment, I feel my upcoming interesting times are going to be positive. I think I used up all the negative.
Thanks for reading this long ass post.
- Daemian
Thursday, September 20, 2007
The Black Gay Renaissance?
In my description I mention the 'Gay Black Renassaince' and inquire as to wether I was even a part of it. It may seem like a silly question to most. I have enquired about this a lot and most people say the same thing to me. "You are Black, you are Male, you are Gay and you are NOT on the DL. How can you not be part of it?". That is all well and good, but I am so disconnected from my own community that I wouldn't fit in or be a part of it.
Where I'm coming from!
To understand why I ask the question you have to first understand how I grew up. My American home town is Hillside, New Jersey. Don't get me wrong this town did have a wide array of cultures and ethnicities represented, but it was a predominately 'white' town with one of the best, at that time, educational systems on the east coast. This was the reason for my mother moving there. She wanted to ensure us the best education possible and not just from the schools. She wanted us to understand 'white people'. My mother is a product of the civil rights for African Americans era. To her mind it was not enough to be 'as good as them'. To her mind we had to be 'better than them' in order to have a fair and equal chance. For us to do that, in her mind, we needed to be exposed to 'white America'. This exposure, she felt, would keep us from being afraid. An example of how she did not want us to be follows my sister's boyfriend's behavior. This is a guy who refuses to go anywhere that may have what he calls "too many white people.". He is afraid, tho he would never admit it, of white people. When one grows up with the spectre or "The Man" and this imaginary cosmic power "The Man" has, who could blame a semi-defeated class of people for being afraid.
So I grew up "white". This brought me to another crisis. The crisis of 'who am I'. I could not relate to my brothers and as such I withdrew from the black community. Even more so once I truly saw our view on Gay Black Men. So it is a community I never got to experience. I liken my comming out as a expression of no fear. I hadn't been exposed to the stigma of being a gay black man so I never had that instilled fear of being exposed.
Some of you may be thinking, 'Just go out and join your brothers!'. I wish I could but I don't know how. This is my own fear now coming up. I thought I was done with the need for acceptance. Apparently not.
The Black Gay Renaissance
So we come to the Black Gay Renaissance. There has been a great awakening in the Gay Black Community. Being on the DL is looked down upon, coming out is in style, gay black men are on TV and not as cracked out prostitutes. The image of the Gay Black Man is changing.
I have become a YouTube junky. It is an amazing medium. Real people can have a voice. Real people can produce a show of sorts and actually have other people listen and follow it. I recently discovered The & Show. The show may not be of the highest budget but it is damn good and amidst all the witticisms and wise cracks is a message. The show is produced by Nathan Seven Scott (Jared Shuler is no longer with the show) and talks about everything from the differences between White and Black Gay Culture to Fag Hags to Barebacking. The views are real and the delivery is entertaining. I love it. Then I discovered Noah's Arc . At first I thought it was kinda bad, low budget etc, but by the end of the second episode I was hooked. Never before have I been able to truly see myself represented on TV. So often the gay black men on TV don't have my problems. Don't have my concerns. Don't speak of me or to me. But this one did it.
There are so many things I have yet to discover about my own community. The creativity, the life, the dreams, the lonliness, the hope and the success of my community are things I am just now seeing. Perhaps it is just a matter of finally gaining the eyes to see it. I long to know my people and I am afraid of the response I will get. I fear very little in life and this one shocked me.
I am so sheltered I thought a relationship spanning more than a few hot sweaty hours was common place only to come to find that Mike and I are a rarity and that other gay couples aspire to be like us. Should I find it as my duty to be visible in the community? Will they take offense to the fact that my husband is white? Will I be well recieved? Will I come across as a pompous ass who thinks he can show people how to live?
Am I a part of the black gay renaissance? I dont feel like I am. Will just being visible as a gay couple make a difference in the minds of some who think it is not possible and have resigned to one nighters and weekend relationships? I don't know that it is even my place to do that. Who am I to judge? Will being a visible out and proud gay black man do it? I don't know. I mean I burned my closet and used the wood for kindling by the time I was 17, and was active before that. But I did not do this in the gay black community, so my experience was very different from the stories I have read and heard. Disconnected, I am.
I also sort of feel like this is a journey and discovery I must make for myself by myself. But how do I tell my man "I am going to my first ball in Harlem and would rather go alone."? I want to be there and experience the scene and feel that my husband would be too much of a distraction and a bit of a liability. Maybe that is just me being selfish, which I am prone to be from time to time. But I feel like I need to do this on my own. I need to know this community and through it get to know myself. As a people, African Americans are the only ones who have had to re-create their culture and history after slavery. We are the only people that requires a DNA test to find out what region of Africa we MOST LIKELY came from. We are lost and are finding our way. That leaves a hole in many of us. I know myself pretty damn well, but I feel a need to embrace and to know the "Neo Black Gay Culture" and to contribute to it. To be a part of something that one day may be looked back upon as a pivotal moment in what will no doubt be a historical cultural event.
I will most likely revisit this subject with less self absorbtion.
So...
Are you a part of the Black Gay Renaissance?
Where I'm coming from!
To understand why I ask the question you have to first understand how I grew up. My American home town is Hillside, New Jersey. Don't get me wrong this town did have a wide array of cultures and ethnicities represented, but it was a predominately 'white' town with one of the best, at that time, educational systems on the east coast. This was the reason for my mother moving there. She wanted to ensure us the best education possible and not just from the schools. She wanted us to understand 'white people'. My mother is a product of the civil rights for African Americans era. To her mind it was not enough to be 'as good as them'. To her mind we had to be 'better than them' in order to have a fair and equal chance. For us to do that, in her mind, we needed to be exposed to 'white America'. This exposure, she felt, would keep us from being afraid. An example of how she did not want us to be follows my sister's boyfriend's behavior. This is a guy who refuses to go anywhere that may have what he calls "too many white people.". He is afraid, tho he would never admit it, of white people. When one grows up with the spectre or "The Man" and this imaginary cosmic power "The Man" has, who could blame a semi-defeated class of people for being afraid.
So I grew up "white". This brought me to another crisis. The crisis of 'who am I'. I could not relate to my brothers and as such I withdrew from the black community. Even more so once I truly saw our view on Gay Black Men. So it is a community I never got to experience. I liken my comming out as a expression of no fear. I hadn't been exposed to the stigma of being a gay black man so I never had that instilled fear of being exposed.
Some of you may be thinking, 'Just go out and join your brothers!'. I wish I could but I don't know how. This is my own fear now coming up. I thought I was done with the need for acceptance. Apparently not.
The Black Gay Renaissance
So we come to the Black Gay Renaissance. There has been a great awakening in the Gay Black Community. Being on the DL is looked down upon, coming out is in style, gay black men are on TV and not as cracked out prostitutes. The image of the Gay Black Man is changing.
I have become a YouTube junky. It is an amazing medium. Real people can have a voice. Real people can produce a show of sorts and actually have other people listen and follow it. I recently discovered The & Show. The show may not be of the highest budget but it is damn good and amidst all the witticisms and wise cracks is a message. The show is produced by Nathan Seven Scott (Jared Shuler is no longer with the show) and talks about everything from the differences between White and Black Gay Culture to Fag Hags to Barebacking. The views are real and the delivery is entertaining. I love it. Then I discovered Noah's Arc . At first I thought it was kinda bad, low budget etc, but by the end of the second episode I was hooked. Never before have I been able to truly see myself represented on TV. So often the gay black men on TV don't have my problems. Don't have my concerns. Don't speak of me or to me. But this one did it.
There are so many things I have yet to discover about my own community. The creativity, the life, the dreams, the lonliness, the hope and the success of my community are things I am just now seeing. Perhaps it is just a matter of finally gaining the eyes to see it. I long to know my people and I am afraid of the response I will get. I fear very little in life and this one shocked me.
I am so sheltered I thought a relationship spanning more than a few hot sweaty hours was common place only to come to find that Mike and I are a rarity and that other gay couples aspire to be like us. Should I find it as my duty to be visible in the community? Will they take offense to the fact that my husband is white? Will I be well recieved? Will I come across as a pompous ass who thinks he can show people how to live?
Am I a part of the black gay renaissance? I dont feel like I am. Will just being visible as a gay couple make a difference in the minds of some who think it is not possible and have resigned to one nighters and weekend relationships? I don't know that it is even my place to do that. Who am I to judge? Will being a visible out and proud gay black man do it? I don't know. I mean I burned my closet and used the wood for kindling by the time I was 17, and was active before that. But I did not do this in the gay black community, so my experience was very different from the stories I have read and heard. Disconnected, I am.
I also sort of feel like this is a journey and discovery I must make for myself by myself. But how do I tell my man "I am going to my first ball in Harlem and would rather go alone."? I want to be there and experience the scene and feel that my husband would be too much of a distraction and a bit of a liability. Maybe that is just me being selfish, which I am prone to be from time to time. But I feel like I need to do this on my own. I need to know this community and through it get to know myself. As a people, African Americans are the only ones who have had to re-create their culture and history after slavery. We are the only people that requires a DNA test to find out what region of Africa we MOST LIKELY came from. We are lost and are finding our way. That leaves a hole in many of us. I know myself pretty damn well, but I feel a need to embrace and to know the "Neo Black Gay Culture" and to contribute to it. To be a part of something that one day may be looked back upon as a pivotal moment in what will no doubt be a historical cultural event.
I will most likely revisit this subject with less self absorbtion.
So...
Are you a part of the Black Gay Renaissance?
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
A Theory, If You Will But Indulge Me...
I work in a predominately hetero field. Technology. This, as a paradigm, has conditioned me to answering questions about my sexuality. I am out every where. Don't get it twisted, I am not a faerie gleely prancing around with wings, a pair of wings, a rainbow flag and a pink triangle purse. Just isn't me, not to mention it's rather tacky. But I make it no secret. They want to talk about tits n chicks then I will talk about dicks n dudes. I won't tolerate it otherwise. I am also rather "Just Jack" about things.
That being said, I have devised a theory that actually seems to work on the more intelligent of the Breeders. I akin homosexuality in humans as natures means of population control.
Here is the theory,
Everything in nature has a checks and balances system. Most creatures have quite a few natural predators. These predators are essential to the balance of the ecosystem. Without them said creature will reproduce unchecked. For example, you take away all the cats in a place and the place will most likely become overrun by rodents.
Now homosexuality exists in nature. But it really does act as a failsafe for when the natural predators fail or are wiped out. Fact, homosexuals cannot reproduce AS homosexuals. They need some interaction with the opposite sex, even if it is by the mediator called a turkey baster.
Humans have very few natural predators. The homosexual human is natures failsafe to keep the human population in check. Without us the human population would boom and overtake this planet much faster than it currently is. Everything in nature needs a check and a balance. Homosexual humans are that failsae check and balance.
What do you guys think? It's just a theory, with easily found statistics to back it up. Once I give them that "point of view", if you will, they tend to understand why we exist and accept it more easily.
Discuss.
That being said, I have devised a theory that actually seems to work on the more intelligent of the Breeders. I akin homosexuality in humans as natures means of population control.
Here is the theory,
Everything in nature has a checks and balances system. Most creatures have quite a few natural predators. These predators are essential to the balance of the ecosystem. Without them said creature will reproduce unchecked. For example, you take away all the cats in a place and the place will most likely become overrun by rodents.
Now homosexuality exists in nature. But it really does act as a failsafe for when the natural predators fail or are wiped out. Fact, homosexuals cannot reproduce AS homosexuals. They need some interaction with the opposite sex, even if it is by the mediator called a turkey baster.
Humans have very few natural predators. The homosexual human is natures failsafe to keep the human population in check. Without us the human population would boom and overtake this planet much faster than it currently is. Everything in nature needs a check and a balance. Homosexual humans are that failsae check and balance.
What do you guys think? It's just a theory, with easily found statistics to back it up. Once I give them that "point of view", if you will, they tend to understand why we exist and accept it more easily.
Discuss.
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