Mixed Emotions and Freeing Oneself

So I have just been a big ol' bag of emotions the past few weeks. This has been a VERY hard year and an even more difficult holiday season.

Still getting used to being alone. This shit is much harder than it looked on paper. Basically for the past billion years I have not ever been alone. Went from home to roommates to a husband to roommates. Being on my own has been hard. I have been in such a mad dash to find another boyfriend that I lost track of what it is I should be doing. Seems I bore myself to tears. I was so blinded by this that I entered into a relationship that proved to be more drama than I needed and only left me feeling more lonely. Yeah...

To top it all off this is my first holiday season without my family being within arms reach. Talk about depressing. It's also a season of painful anniversaries. Thanksgiving was when I realized me and my husband had to end, this Thanksgiving made year one of that pain. This entire month of December marks the one year anniversary of living with my ex and dealing with the damage that inflicted. I have been working a shit ton and trying to build lasting friendships. So I have been having a very hard time dealing with my emotions. Dealing with the relationship that is so hot and cold only made things worse. So I am gonna just try and enjoy being alone. Don't know how I am gonna do that.. but I have to give it a shot. Feels like I keep respeccing my life. WoW players will get that one, and my fellow WoW-mates will totally agree that it's my M.O. LOL.

Some days I could cry all day, some days I am content, some days I could beat the crap out of every person I see, some days I just miss my family, some days I miss my Mike, most days I miss Jeremy. Been considering going back on meds as this is feeling a bit more manic than I am used to dealing with. I mean I even got into a fight in which I all but obliterated some asshole. Granted.. he had it coming in calling me a faggot, but I hadn't lost control like that in years.

I then find out one of my old clients and someone I considered a friend died of cancer a few days ago. I guess one really can't just leave it all behind. You can't do it because you leave a mark everywhere you go. I felt selfish, spoke to his wife and she said how he was upset I was no longer in NYC and that he often spoke of me fondly. I felt terrible that I hadn't been in contact with him since my move. I was selfish in just picking up and leaving. So there is also my dealing with those emotions. Who knows tho.. if I can come out of this ok without meds it would make me that much stronger, if I got back on the meds its just me using a crutch. taking the easy way out.

I am very thankful in that I have made 2 VERY good friends. Mike and Seamus. They have been taking good care of me here in Boston, but I often feel like the third wheel. They are married.

I am so confused. If I can make it to January 3rd, the anniversary of my true freedom... perhaps I will be ok.

- D