So I have just been a big ol' bag of emotions the past few weeks. This has been a VERY hard year and an even more difficult holiday season.
Still getting used to being alone. This shit is much harder than it looked on paper. Basically for the past billion years I have not ever been alone. Went from home to roommates to a husband to roommates. Being on my own has been hard. I have been in such a mad dash to find another boyfriend that I lost track of what it is I should be doing. Seems I bore myself to tears. I was so blinded by this that I entered into a relationship that proved to be more drama than I needed and only left me feeling more lonely. Yeah...
To top it all off this is my first holiday season without my family being within arms reach. Talk about depressing. It's also a season of painful anniversaries. Thanksgiving was when I realized me and my husband had to end, this Thanksgiving made year one of that pain. This entire month of December marks the one year anniversary of living with my ex and dealing with the damage that inflicted. I have been working a shit ton and trying to build lasting friendships. So I have been having a very hard time dealing with my emotions. Dealing with the relationship that is so hot and cold only made things worse. So I am gonna just try and enjoy being alone. Don't know how I am gonna do that.. but I have to give it a shot. Feels like I keep respeccing my life. WoW players will get that one, and my fellow WoW-mates will totally agree that it's my M.O. LOL.
Some days I could cry all day, some days I am content, some days I could beat the crap out of every person I see, some days I just miss my family, some days I miss my Mike, most days I miss Jeremy. Been considering going back on meds as this is feeling a bit more manic than I am used to dealing with. I mean I even got into a fight in which I all but obliterated some asshole. Granted.. he had it coming in calling me a faggot, but I hadn't lost control like that in years.
I then find out one of my old clients and someone I considered a friend died of cancer a few days ago. I guess one really can't just leave it all behind. You can't do it because you leave a mark everywhere you go. I felt selfish, spoke to his wife and she said how he was upset I was no longer in NYC and that he often spoke of me fondly. I felt terrible that I hadn't been in contact with him since my move. I was selfish in just picking up and leaving. So there is also my dealing with those emotions. Who knows tho.. if I can come out of this ok without meds it would make me that much stronger, if I got back on the meds its just me using a crutch. taking the easy way out.
I am very thankful in that I have made 2 VERY good friends. Mike and Seamus. They have been taking good care of me here in Boston, but I often feel like the third wheel. They are married.
I am so confused. If I can make it to January 3rd, the anniversary of my true freedom... perhaps I will be ok.
- D
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Second Chances...
So I have decided to give Joey a second chance. Sometimes I wish I had given Michael another shot after the break up, but I didn't. So... in correcting mistakes of the past, I am going to give him another shot.
Allegedly we are "starting over". Just dating, not BFs. I don't know tho. Things are not the same. The past few days all we seem to do is piss each other off. His inability to make solid plans is starting to get to me. I mean, if you say, "I'll come over tomorrow.. " dammit you should be there. Or if I say "Hey you coming over on Thursday? I am off." and all I get is a "maybe", which I am quickly learning to take as a most likely not, I can't help but feel this distance. I seem to be Plan B. It didn't bother me before, but now it seems to.
I dunno, maybe I am being too guarded and overly sensitive. Who knows. We'll see where this goes if it goes anywhere at all.
- D
Allegedly we are "starting over". Just dating, not BFs. I don't know tho. Things are not the same. The past few days all we seem to do is piss each other off. His inability to make solid plans is starting to get to me. I mean, if you say, "I'll come over tomorrow.. " dammit you should be there. Or if I say "Hey you coming over on Thursday? I am off." and all I get is a "maybe", which I am quickly learning to take as a most likely not, I can't help but feel this distance. I seem to be Plan B. It didn't bother me before, but now it seems to.
I dunno, maybe I am being too guarded and overly sensitive. Who knows. We'll see where this goes if it goes anywhere at all.
- D
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Then Suddenly...
The ground falls from beneath me. As quickly as love found me, love has left me. I am not as upset as I should be. In reality, I sort of saw this coming. My new ex simply did not love himself. As admitted, I was too good to be true. I was like something unreal. Something that his subconscious kept trying to wake up from. He was waiting for the ground to fall from beneath him. For the other shoe to drop. I guess it did not bode well for him. He was always worried that I was going to leave him and hurt him.
It would seem that Boston men have a lot of issues. They are treated so poorly by their own that when one comes along that treats them well, it is unbelievable. Part of my own emotional baggage is to fix mistakes of the past. As seen in my staunch disapproval of domestic violence. I grew up with domestic violence and vowed to never let that cycle continue. So no matter how angry I got.. I may yell, I may argue... but I will never get in my lovers face nor would I ever physically hurt them. Additional baggage would be in that I may not have been the best when it came to how I treated Michael. I treat him like a child. Like someone who needed constant guidance and protection. He is a grown man and needs neither. In realizing this I have decided to treat my lover very well. To instill in myself this will to be a great man for my lover. As it would seem this is too much for those who take their baggage negatively to handle.
I treated Joey too well. As bizarre as it seems, I did. We all idealize this great relationship in which we are treated well and with respect. Is it really what we want tho? Not that treating him well was outside of the "Me". It was not, it was in fact the man I have always wanted to be and found it in myself to become. It was me. But it seems that even trying to show someone that not all gay men are all the same is not something we seem to want. Do men really want to be treated poorly? Because it is more in line to their accepted reality? Have we become so jaded? Do I give up on being a good man and find that side of myself that is, for all intents and purposes, a "manizer"? When I gave up on dating and treated men like garbage I found no end in the supply of guys who wanted to date me.
In all reality it probably would not have worked between me and Joey. I mean.. we are both tops. I bottomed and enjoyed it with him because I opened my heart up to love him. Love him I did. But let us be realistic.... I am a top. Maybe I would have hurt him at some point. Perhaps at some point I would have fucked every bottom that shook his ass like a bitch in heat. Perhaps I would have broken up with him over purely sexual reasons. Who knows. I was willing to try tho. It did feel like we were always hanging over an edge. Me being well grounded holding him, dangling, over the edge... trying my hardest to not let go. He was aware of his predicament. I promised him I would not let go. Not let him fall... but I can not hold on if he let go. Well... he let go. He fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
We had a decent 2 months. Everytime we were together it was fantastic. When we weren't together he would go into this tailspin. If I showed even the slightest displeasure or disappointment he would try to "give me an out". He felt he did not deserve me and that I deserved better. I can not fix that. So I am single again. I don't do the whole break up and make up thing. I just don't. Does that mean I won't get back together with him? I don't know. I hope he fixes himself. When he does... I may be here... I may not. Such is life. Funny enough.. I am not as upset as I should be. I am hurt, make no mistake, but I am not a mess. I do think I am done with putting my heart out there to have it shat on. I do think I will go back to just using men for sex and nothing more. It is what it is right?
- D
It would seem that Boston men have a lot of issues. They are treated so poorly by their own that when one comes along that treats them well, it is unbelievable. Part of my own emotional baggage is to fix mistakes of the past. As seen in my staunch disapproval of domestic violence. I grew up with domestic violence and vowed to never let that cycle continue. So no matter how angry I got.. I may yell, I may argue... but I will never get in my lovers face nor would I ever physically hurt them. Additional baggage would be in that I may not have been the best when it came to how I treated Michael. I treat him like a child. Like someone who needed constant guidance and protection. He is a grown man and needs neither. In realizing this I have decided to treat my lover very well. To instill in myself this will to be a great man for my lover. As it would seem this is too much for those who take their baggage negatively to handle.
I treated Joey too well. As bizarre as it seems, I did. We all idealize this great relationship in which we are treated well and with respect. Is it really what we want tho? Not that treating him well was outside of the "Me". It was not, it was in fact the man I have always wanted to be and found it in myself to become. It was me. But it seems that even trying to show someone that not all gay men are all the same is not something we seem to want. Do men really want to be treated poorly? Because it is more in line to their accepted reality? Have we become so jaded? Do I give up on being a good man and find that side of myself that is, for all intents and purposes, a "manizer"? When I gave up on dating and treated men like garbage I found no end in the supply of guys who wanted to date me.
In all reality it probably would not have worked between me and Joey. I mean.. we are both tops. I bottomed and enjoyed it with him because I opened my heart up to love him. Love him I did. But let us be realistic.... I am a top. Maybe I would have hurt him at some point. Perhaps at some point I would have fucked every bottom that shook his ass like a bitch in heat. Perhaps I would have broken up with him over purely sexual reasons. Who knows. I was willing to try tho. It did feel like we were always hanging over an edge. Me being well grounded holding him, dangling, over the edge... trying my hardest to not let go. He was aware of his predicament. I promised him I would not let go. Not let him fall... but I can not hold on if he let go. Well... he let go. He fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
We had a decent 2 months. Everytime we were together it was fantastic. When we weren't together he would go into this tailspin. If I showed even the slightest displeasure or disappointment he would try to "give me an out". He felt he did not deserve me and that I deserved better. I can not fix that. So I am single again. I don't do the whole break up and make up thing. I just don't. Does that mean I won't get back together with him? I don't know. I hope he fixes himself. When he does... I may be here... I may not. Such is life. Funny enough.. I am not as upset as I should be. I am hurt, make no mistake, but I am not a mess. I do think I am done with putting my heart out there to have it shat on. I do think I will go back to just using men for sex and nothing more. It is what it is right?
- D
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
How Daemian Got His Groove Back...
I finally gots me interwebz. Wooha!!!
So I now have a couch, a loveseat and a huge 42" LCD HD TV! Dear lord. My apartment is slowly coming together. I have to start thinking about the walls and actually decorating. Gayness here I come!
It felt good to be back in World of Warcraft. The new patch is fun. It builds so much anticipation for the Wrath of the Lich King.
Next Friday is my Halloween / Housewarming Party. Can't wait, it should be fun. Co-Workers, friends... Homos and Heteros having fun together. What next? Dogs fucking Cats?
I am going to see my family the first week of November for my vacation. I have to make sure I hit NYC to have lunch with Walter, to drop off the keys to the old apartment with Mike and pick up a few things I left behind in the old apartment. At first I was apprehensive about this prospect but at this point I am just fine with it.
My Joey.... I got my groove back. IT is an interesting thing going on. I let my guard down and decided to allow myself to love someone again. I am scared shitless about it. I know that in doing so I have given him the power to hurt me. I don't ever want to get hurt again. But I decided that I want to live life. I can't truly live life if I don't allow myself attachment. I am in love. How do I know? A few key events. I miss him when he is gone, I am genuinely happy when I see him and... drum roll please.... I let him Top me. I enjoyed being topped more emotionally that I did physically. Physically it does nothing for me... but emotionally it felt fantastic. I enjoyed it so much because it was with him. I know that eventually this have to end. Either in death or in break up. Nothing lasts forever. I just hope this doesn't end too soon.
So I now have a couch, a loveseat and a huge 42" LCD HD TV! Dear lord. My apartment is slowly coming together. I have to start thinking about the walls and actually decorating. Gayness here I come!
It felt good to be back in World of Warcraft. The new patch is fun. It builds so much anticipation for the Wrath of the Lich King.
Next Friday is my Halloween / Housewarming Party. Can't wait, it should be fun. Co-Workers, friends... Homos and Heteros having fun together. What next? Dogs fucking Cats?
I am going to see my family the first week of November for my vacation. I have to make sure I hit NYC to have lunch with Walter, to drop off the keys to the old apartment with Mike and pick up a few things I left behind in the old apartment. At first I was apprehensive about this prospect but at this point I am just fine with it.
My Joey.... I got my groove back. IT is an interesting thing going on. I let my guard down and decided to allow myself to love someone again. I am scared shitless about it. I know that in doing so I have given him the power to hurt me. I don't ever want to get hurt again. But I decided that I want to live life. I can't truly live life if I don't allow myself attachment. I am in love. How do I know? A few key events. I miss him when he is gone, I am genuinely happy when I see him and... drum roll please.... I let him Top me. I enjoyed being topped more emotionally that I did physically. Physically it does nothing for me... but emotionally it felt fantastic. I enjoyed it so much because it was with him. I know that eventually this have to end. Either in death or in break up. Nothing lasts forever. I just hope this doesn't end too soon.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Update!!
So I don't yet have internet access but here is a small update.
My apartment is empty. I mean fucking empty. It's exhausting living there. LOL. But on the bright side I picked up some speakers for my computer today, gonna get my TV ordered and my internet access order through.
On the relationship front, I have started seeing someone. His name is Joey. He is oh so nice if a bit cunty. I like that tho. We are just in general... nice to each other. I respect him and he respects me. It's interesting how my expectations for a relationship have changed. I know what I had in the past with Mike. I know what we lacked and I now feel like I am deserving of it all. As such I have to give what I expect to receive. I expect respect... I have to give it. I expect loving behavior... I have to give it. He's a cuddler. I never really knew I had that in me... but I do. I love just being held.
I think I am falling for this guy. We have been talking for months now as friends and it seems that is what's working in our favor. As much as I have fought it, out of fear of course... I can't help this. He is breaking down my walls diligently. I don't want to get hurt. It can't be the right time. But no one ever got anywhere being afraid and if we all wait for the right time we may as well be waiting for Godot.
Well that is all for now.
Can't wait to get internets.
Laters chulos.
- D
My apartment is empty. I mean fucking empty. It's exhausting living there. LOL. But on the bright side I picked up some speakers for my computer today, gonna get my TV ordered and my internet access order through.
On the relationship front, I have started seeing someone. His name is Joey. He is oh so nice if a bit cunty. I like that tho. We are just in general... nice to each other. I respect him and he respects me. It's interesting how my expectations for a relationship have changed. I know what I had in the past with Mike. I know what we lacked and I now feel like I am deserving of it all. As such I have to give what I expect to receive. I expect respect... I have to give it. I expect loving behavior... I have to give it. He's a cuddler. I never really knew I had that in me... but I do. I love just being held.
I think I am falling for this guy. We have been talking for months now as friends and it seems that is what's working in our favor. As much as I have fought it, out of fear of course... I can't help this. He is breaking down my walls diligently. I don't want to get hurt. It can't be the right time. But no one ever got anywhere being afraid and if we all wait for the right time we may as well be waiting for Godot.
Well that is all for now.
Can't wait to get internets.
Laters chulos.
- D
Monday, July 21, 2008
Perhaps Acceptance...
Been going through some odd feelings lately. I have been coming to grips with the fact that I would have welcomed not being single, I would have gladly taken a new partner, though I was not ready for it. My decision would have been hasty even. I know, I know... didn't Jaeryd try to tell me that? Of course he did. I would have even done well in a relationship being not ready, it's just part of who I am. I am good at the things I do.
But, now... I don't know so much. I am coming to grips with being single. Slowed down the whole being slutty thing has put a lot into perspective. I don't know nor truly understand what it is just yet. But I do know I am enjoying the new found freedom. Don't even know if I particularly want a partner right now. Oh my god... did I really just say that? Perhaps it's just my strangely manic mode? Perhaps acceptance has really set in?
I have gone on a few dates, trying to find that "Mike" replacement, only to find none of us are really replaceable.. Would I really want to "replace" him anyway? Shouldn't I be looking for something or someone different? Well I have pretty much stopped looking, stopped dating, stopped being desperate. Don't get me wrong, I will still look at every hot guy like he was a piece of meat... but hey I don't have to go there in reality ya know. I also know I don't want to relive all of the mistakes I made along the way.
I don't really know what this all means. I don't, I mean this is a first for me in terms of life experiences. So I don't know what to expect or what to do. But I do know this... now that I am not really looking for a relationship.. watch someone tries to toss one on me. LOL. Go fig.
Well, enough of this weird, woke up from a dead sleep with an inkling to blog rambling. Talk to yas later.
- Daemian
But, now... I don't know so much. I am coming to grips with being single. Slowed down the whole being slutty thing has put a lot into perspective. I don't know nor truly understand what it is just yet. But I do know I am enjoying the new found freedom. Don't even know if I particularly want a partner right now. Oh my god... did I really just say that? Perhaps it's just my strangely manic mode? Perhaps acceptance has really set in?
I have gone on a few dates, trying to find that "Mike" replacement, only to find none of us are really replaceable.. Would I really want to "replace" him anyway? Shouldn't I be looking for something or someone different? Well I have pretty much stopped looking, stopped dating, stopped being desperate. Don't get me wrong, I will still look at every hot guy like he was a piece of meat... but hey I don't have to go there in reality ya know. I also know I don't want to relive all of the mistakes I made along the way.
I don't really know what this all means. I don't, I mean this is a first for me in terms of life experiences. So I don't know what to expect or what to do. But I do know this... now that I am not really looking for a relationship.. watch someone tries to toss one on me. LOL. Go fig.
Well, enough of this weird, woke up from a dead sleep with an inkling to blog rambling. Talk to yas later.
- Daemian
Friday, July 4, 2008
An Interesting Date and Happy 4th of July!
Happy 4th of July Chulos!!!
I worked today, unsure of my evening plans for I am victim of Bank of America yet again. Work was fun, as per usual.. but I know what you buggers want to hear. The date.
Well I went on a date with a rather funny and cute 26yo guy. We had dinner at a nice restaurant in the South End and the went to see Wanted. I loved the movie, I mean the violence was over the top. Of course Angelina Jolie turned me on a lil bit. Something about a girl that can kick my ass I find to be hot.
That said.. I did enjoy the date... but something just didn't feel right. I mean.. he was a very nice guy. But I just didn't feel that something. I even tried putting my hand on his lap during the movie to see if I felt anything. Nothing... nada... it was like me touching Jaeryd. I think he and I can be great friends, but we simply can not date. Which was both a little disappointing but at the same time a little.. I dunno... interesting to me. I mean.. I was my usual nervous self. But it was sort of good to know that.. I can go out on a date and if it doesn't click, well thats ok. It doesn't have to click. If it does, then great!
So I don't feel bad about it, hell if I had any single gay top friends in his age range, I'd try to hook em up in a heartbeat. I mean he is a good guy. Cute, funny, smart and employed.
So that's the date. Nothing terribly exciting, in fact it was refreshingly normal.
Been mad busy lately, so I apologize for not blogging more. But as things settle down I will make it a regular habit again. ;) Hell if I can fix my firewire o FrankenMac I will be doing video blogs again.
Til next time chulos!
- D
Friday, February 22, 2008
Finding What You Want... With One Caveat
Well I had perhaps one of the better dates last night. He wasn't so much a bear... but he was kind, showed concern for me, believes in monogamy, wants to see me again and understands where I am coming from because he is in a similar boat. He is 1yr out of an 8yr relationship. He says I gave him hope that he wouldn't have to be alone. That a guy like me is a rarity. Someone who wants a real relationship, a monogamous relationship and is a nice guy to boot.
He reminds me of my co-worker Matty. Mostly in speech, choice of words and affliction. I find it endearing.
There is one caveat, he is 43yrs old. Now anyone who knows me knows that Mike is 41 turning 42 this year. I don't mind the age so much as the question of "Why can't I find this in someone closer to my own age?". Then it dawned on me. It's because I am not my own age. Not mentally, not emotionally. I had to grow up fast, it happens sometimes. I just happen to have left those closer to my age behind. So now when I am trying to find my qualities in someone my age it's like finding a needle in a haystack.
I don't so much worry about it as I worry more about what my friend Jae is gonna think. I am 28 going on 29... the guy just turned 43. That makes him 1 year older than Mike. He has a big heart and a beautiful soul, that should be all that matters right? It's what makes him attractive to me. He has spent some time courting me. I told him I'd like to see him again as well. He asked that I call him today. I will after I wake up.
There is also the predicament of Dwayne. I haven't heard from him, but it has also been a hectic
week. I don't know if he is really interested in dating me or if he just wants sex. I suppose that if he does call I will ask him. I don't know what to do if Dwayne says that yes he wants to date me.
He reminds me of my co-worker Matty. Mostly in speech, choice of words and affliction. I find it endearing.
There is one caveat, he is 43yrs old. Now anyone who knows me knows that Mike is 41 turning 42 this year. I don't mind the age so much as the question of "Why can't I find this in someone closer to my own age?". Then it dawned on me. It's because I am not my own age. Not mentally, not emotionally. I had to grow up fast, it happens sometimes. I just happen to have left those closer to my age behind. So now when I am trying to find my qualities in someone my age it's like finding a needle in a haystack.
I don't so much worry about it as I worry more about what my friend Jae is gonna think. I am 28 going on 29... the guy just turned 43. That makes him 1 year older than Mike. He has a big heart and a beautiful soul, that should be all that matters right? It's what makes him attractive to me. He has spent some time courting me. I told him I'd like to see him again as well. He asked that I call him today. I will after I wake up.
There is also the predicament of Dwayne. I haven't heard from him, but it has also been a hectic
week. I don't know if he is really interested in dating me or if he just wants sex. I suppose that if he does call I will ask him. I don't know what to do if Dwayne says that yes he wants to date me.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Oh My God...
OMG, omg, omg, omg, omg.... C called at like 5:30pm yesterday. I was taking an unforeseen nap. Sorta tired myself out, after a month of being a bad gymbear it was a tad bit of a shock to the system to work out the way I had. So any how, C called and we had a great conversation. He was sort of self conscious about his nose (infection that is healing) so he didn't really want to come out. Understandable... I can be the same way. But at least he did call.
We cleared the air between the two of us. There has been so much hype around he and I that sort of got out of hand. Mind you we have not done anything with each other. So I had to make it clear that I was not asking for his hand in marriage. That all I wanted was a proper quiet date. You know... dinner and a movie. Neither of us are looking to rush into anything. We did have a fun conversation after that was out of the way. I hope we can do something on his next day off.
In terms of how am I feeling... I feel strangely good. I mean, I am slowly getting poorer... but I have survived worse. I figured that if I can pull 4 shifts a week, by the end of the month every month I will have made enough to pay my rent, buy food etc... and let any funds I get from sales accumulate. Speaking of sales, Our internet access has been really flaky for some reason. First it was their DNS servers and now it is something else. I don't know if it is the weather or what. But we can't even get a proper IP address assigned. What the hell, from what I have been told they have never had problems like this. I know the net was working at 10:30am for that was the last email I got. After that it seems to have just died. Very frustrating. How am I able to post this you ask? Easy... my laptop has wi-fi and this triple decker has other people in it using wi-fi. So I am basically borrowing a cup of bandwidth. I hope my arrival has not somehow damaged the time space internet continuum in this apartment.
-Daemian
We cleared the air between the two of us. There has been so much hype around he and I that sort of got out of hand. Mind you we have not done anything with each other. So I had to make it clear that I was not asking for his hand in marriage. That all I wanted was a proper quiet date. You know... dinner and a movie. Neither of us are looking to rush into anything. We did have a fun conversation after that was out of the way. I hope we can do something on his next day off.
In terms of how am I feeling... I feel strangely good. I mean, I am slowly getting poorer... but I have survived worse. I figured that if I can pull 4 shifts a week, by the end of the month every month I will have made enough to pay my rent, buy food etc... and let any funds I get from sales accumulate. Speaking of sales, Our internet access has been really flaky for some reason. First it was their DNS servers and now it is something else. I don't know if it is the weather or what. But we can't even get a proper IP address assigned. What the hell, from what I have been told they have never had problems like this. I know the net was working at 10:30am for that was the last email I got. After that it seems to have just died. Very frustrating. How am I able to post this you ask? Easy... my laptop has wi-fi and this triple decker has other people in it using wi-fi. So I am basically borrowing a cup of bandwidth. I hope my arrival has not somehow damaged the time space internet continuum in this apartment.
-Daemian
Saturday, January 5, 2008
I Talk a Good Game...
I talk a good game. You know "Hey everybody! I am here and I am fine and let me find someone to make the happiest man in the world at least for one night!", is the good game I talk. Last night I got some seriously needed ego boosting. I could have gone home with at least 4 different guys last night. Shocked to say the least at the reaction I got. Instead... I realized something. When I was a teenager, empty meaningless sex was great. I had never made love before... I was merely fucking.
I know what it means to have sex that means something. Everytime I was able to have sex with Mike it meant something. So now that line I used to have... a very distinct line drawn between love and sex... is blurred. I could have done any of those guys, easily. But when it came down to it, I'd rather give my cock to someone who deserves it. I went on a "breakfast date" today. The guy was nice... he was cute... had an ass you could bounce ME off of and I would have liked to have had sex with him. But there was something about him. That connection that would make the sex fantastic instead of just good was missing. We were sexually attracted to each other... but I need more than that.
I guess once you taste blood you want more. I tasted sex with meaning, going back to sex without meaning just does not appeal to me.
But hey.. I WENT OUT ON A DATE! Makes me one step closer to getting my hair cleaned of 10yrs of cobwebs.
Details... well there aren't many. I have been in communication with a fellow from Match.com over the past month. Remember I only went to Match.com in retaliation of what Mike was doing in regards to personals and stuff. But he sent me a wink... he was damn sexy and taller than me no less. We sent messages back and forth and then I gave him my cell number. Well he called me at like 9am. You know I was slightly pissed. But he said he was sorry to call so early but that he was in Worcester taking care of some errands he had and wanted to know if I would be interested in our first date being breakfast. Well I said SURE, I shot up, showered but didn't shave (it's cold up here) got dressed and he was here in about 30 minutes. We went to some restaurant I don't remember the name of, I was still half asleep, and had breakfast. The entire time he was smiling and I am sure I was too.
Then he touched my leg. While I did get a tad excited I had to tell him that I didn't know him well enough to be comfortable :
a) to bring him to my place with my roommates after only having been here 3 days. Can someone say WHORE? I am sure my Blanche Deveroux like side will come back at some point just not now.
b) to have sex with him that would have no meaning. Don't want to fuck him and have it be wrong. I am not the same person I was 10yrs ago. 10yrs ago.. sure no problem. Bounce on it and all. But the me that has grown up 10yrs... says nah... maybe we need a second or third date before I give up my jumbo sized churizo (churizo's are pretty small so for me it'd have to be my jumbo sized churizo, not bragging just fact)
So what does all this mean? It means I have changed as a person and the things the younger single me would have done holds no water now. I need sex to mean something. That spark that Jaeryd always talks about, I understand it tho in a somewhat different relation . I need the spark to make the sex worth putting my feelings on the line. I know I sound like a prude... I am not I swear it. I am actually the biggest pervert you will ever meet with the largest porn collection you have ever seen. But I think it means that I am relationship oriented in true Cancer fashion. I don't want to give my Jumbo Sized Churizo to just anyone. I want to give it to a friend, a companion... someone who really could be my partner. I just don't know who that someone is yet.
So I will go out, have a good time and I am sure the urges of the flesh with put me out there once or twice. But I know what I am looking for. Well my bed has arrived and I will take a picture of it and post it. They are bringing the pieces in now so I must end this post.
-Daemian
As
I know what it means to have sex that means something. Everytime I was able to have sex with Mike it meant something. So now that line I used to have... a very distinct line drawn between love and sex... is blurred. I could have done any of those guys, easily. But when it came down to it, I'd rather give my cock to someone who deserves it. I went on a "breakfast date" today. The guy was nice... he was cute... had an ass you could bounce ME off of and I would have liked to have had sex with him. But there was something about him. That connection that would make the sex fantastic instead of just good was missing. We were sexually attracted to each other... but I need more than that.
I guess once you taste blood you want more. I tasted sex with meaning, going back to sex without meaning just does not appeal to me.
But hey.. I WENT OUT ON A DATE! Makes me one step closer to getting my hair cleaned of 10yrs of cobwebs.
Details... well there aren't many. I have been in communication with a fellow from Match.com over the past month. Remember I only went to Match.com in retaliation of what Mike was doing in regards to personals and stuff. But he sent me a wink... he was damn sexy and taller than me no less. We sent messages back and forth and then I gave him my cell number. Well he called me at like 9am. You know I was slightly pissed. But he said he was sorry to call so early but that he was in Worcester taking care of some errands he had and wanted to know if I would be interested in our first date being breakfast. Well I said SURE, I shot up, showered but didn't shave (it's cold up here) got dressed and he was here in about 30 minutes. We went to some restaurant I don't remember the name of, I was still half asleep, and had breakfast. The entire time he was smiling and I am sure I was too.
Then he touched my leg. While I did get a tad excited I had to tell him that I didn't know him well enough to be comfortable :
a) to bring him to my place with my roommates after only having been here 3 days. Can someone say WHORE? I am sure my Blanche Deveroux like side will come back at some point just not now.
b) to have sex with him that would have no meaning. Don't want to fuck him and have it be wrong. I am not the same person I was 10yrs ago. 10yrs ago.. sure no problem. Bounce on it and all. But the me that has grown up 10yrs... says nah... maybe we need a second or third date before I give up my jumbo sized churizo (churizo's are pretty small so for me it'd have to be my jumbo sized churizo, not bragging just fact)
So what does all this mean? It means I have changed as a person and the things the younger single me would have done holds no water now. I need sex to mean something. That spark that Jaeryd always talks about, I understand it tho in a somewhat different relation . I need the spark to make the sex worth putting my feelings on the line. I know I sound like a prude... I am not I swear it. I am actually the biggest pervert you will ever meet with the largest porn collection you have ever seen. But I think it means that I am relationship oriented in true Cancer fashion. I don't want to give my Jumbo Sized Churizo to just anyone. I want to give it to a friend, a companion... someone who really could be my partner. I just don't know who that someone is yet.
So I will go out, have a good time and I am sure the urges of the flesh with put me out there once or twice. But I know what I am looking for. Well my bed has arrived and I will take a picture of it and post it. They are bringing the pieces in now so I must end this post.
-Daemian
As
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