Second Chances...

So I have decided to give Joey a second chance. Sometimes I wish I had given Michael another shot after the break up, but I didn't. So... in correcting mistakes of the past, I am going to give him another shot.

Allegedly we are "starting over". Just dating, not BFs. I don't know tho. Things are not the same. The past few days all we seem to do is piss each other off. His inability to make solid plans is starting to get to me. I mean, if you say, "I'll come over tomorrow.. " dammit you should be there. Or if I say "Hey you coming over on Thursday? I am off." and all I get is a "maybe", which I am quickly learning to take as a most likely not, I can't help but feel this distance. I seem to be Plan B. It didn't bother me before, but now it seems to.

I dunno, maybe I am being too guarded and overly sensitive. Who knows. We'll see where this goes if it goes anywhere at all.

- D

Perhaps Acceptance...

Been going through some odd feelings lately. I have been coming to grips with the fact that I would have welcomed not being single, I would have gladly taken a new partner, though I was not ready for it. My decision would have been hasty even. I know, I know... didn't Jaeryd try to tell me that? Of course he did. I would have even done well in a relationship being not ready, it's just part of who I am. I am good at the things I do.

But, now... I don't know so much. I am coming to grips with being single. Slowed down the whole being slutty thing has put a lot into perspective. I don't know nor truly understand what it is just yet. But I do know I am enjoying the new found freedom. Don't even know if I particularly want a partner right now. Oh my god... did I really just say that? Perhaps it's just my strangely manic mode? Perhaps acceptance has really set in?

I have gone on a few dates, trying to find that "Mike" replacement, only to find none of us are really replaceable.. Would I really want to "replace" him anyway? Shouldn't I be looking for something or someone different? Well I have pretty much stopped looking, stopped dating, stopped being desperate. Don't get me wrong, I will still look at every hot guy like he was a piece of meat... but hey I don't have to go there in reality ya know. I also know I don't want to relive all of the mistakes I made along the way.

I don't really know what this all means. I don't, I mean this is a first for me in terms of life experiences. So I don't know what to expect or what to do. But I do know this... now that I am not really looking for a relationship.. watch someone tries to toss one on me. LOL. Go fig.

Well, enough of this weird, woke up from a dead sleep with an inkling to blog rambling. Talk to yas later.

- Daemian

A New Place...

Well, recent events...

First and foremost, I must apologize for it being so long since the last time I posted. I have been in a state of flux. Between work, trying to find a new place to live, finding a new place, moving and trying to settle in I have been quite the busy little bee.

So I yes, I found a place. It is a great situation. I do have a roommate, but at least he is a 'Mo like myself. So it is infinitely more comfortable of a situation. I am in a 2 bedroom condo with central air. Of course the central air is the part that got me. LOL. My roommate is a hottie tho. But the fact he is my roommate makes him off limits. Roommate drama can come up all too easily if you sleep with him. So I have to actually exhibit some self control. Of course I was really flirty, but you know... that should be curtailed as well. I don't want to send the wrong message.

The job is going very well, I am excelling at the bar even if I am a little slow on the repairs in the Genius Room. I have this meticulous way of doing a repair and if I see something that needs to be done, like the parts are disgustingly dirty... I will sit there and clean each piece as I reassemble the unit. It's what I do, I can't help that. Overall tho, I love what I do. Having more time makes life a lot less stressful.

Time is finally giving me time. 

With that comes the fact that I need to start making new memories. I have very little in the way of pictures or regular living and enjoyment of life. The last ten years of my life are recorded in only my heart and my head. Both will fade over time. So now I have to learn how to live life. I am painfully lonely despite being surrounded by some great people. The real kicker is that I don't know what I want. Do I want to be single? Do I want a boyfriend? I don't know. In a way I am scared. I am scared of the inevitable pain that will follow if I am someone's lover. I am scared of the possibility of never finding someone to love and be loved by. I am scared that I don't know how to really live. I am just scared. But me being me, I never let being scared be an excuse to not do something. If bravery is doing something despite being afraid, well I can only hope my bravery holds.

I found myself thinking of Mike today, I got angry, I got sad... I smoked half a pack of cigarettes, I worried that I will never find love like that again. Did we end up how we ended up because our relationship was like a plant that just didn't get watered? If so, why didn't we water it? I thought we had put in a ton of work. I thought we were doing things the right way and learning from our mistakes. Then I came to realization that I didn't treat him like I should have. The withering was not all his fault, it was mine too. 

So I move forward. I am trying to learn from my mistakes. I know I am not over it. I don't think I ever will be. But I have to not carry around the baggage. I have to force myself to trust people and to trust myself.  I walked away... now I have to keep on walking. But now I am in a better position to do so. I am clawing my way back to the top, I am so close, I can't lose my grip now.

Til next time chulos

- D

Time Won't Give Me Time...

Wooh!!! It has been one wild ride so far. As you guys may have noticed I haven't posted in a while. Well, truth be told, I just don't have the damn time. LOL.

I love my job and if I didn't I would say to hell with this commute. My commute currently adds between 4 - 6 hours to my work day. So I am up and out of the house by 6am and don't get home til about 12/1am. Yeah.

So news in the pipe is that I am moving. Yes moving. Moving closer to work. I mean I don't even have time to entertain the idea of having a beer, or dinner or a frikkin date. So in the interest of salvaging my social life and making my working life just so much easier, yes I am moving. Plans are to move during the month of June. I am looking in the Somerville area right now as it really is not that far away... easily commuted on the T or Taxi-cab-able for those nights I decide to hang out past 12. 

So far tho, the job is fantastic! I hit the ground running and it is amazing. So many people there think I came from some other Apple store given my performance and I am just like, " Nope never worked as a Mac Genius before.", LOL. It is interesting the feeling you get from helping people. This job certainly feeds my hero complex nicely. 

In the dark reaches, that time in which I simply come home and rest to prepare for my next day, I find myself thinking. I find myself reminiscing of time gone by. Thinking about how happy I was. Thinking about how that happiness faded. Thinking about the how and why of things. Being grateful to have known love. Being angry to have lost it. Thinking about time I had, time I have lost and the new happiness standing in front of me.

I love my job, I am learning to love myself, I am learning to live by myself, for myself. But still I do find that every now and then... I miss time gone by. I miss Mike, in that time as I am drifting off to sleep exhausted from the days work... I find myself wondering what he is doing. I miss my old life, the security in familiarity. But I have to remind myself that I must regret nothing. That I must move forward. I always have moved forward. Unafraid of what is waiting. I am hoping and praying that I can find happiness in myself instead of in others. I am hoping that once I find that happiness that the true happiness I had known before it was my time to know it returns. It is funny how time makes points and those points connect to a final destination unknown. Unknown to me but known infinitely to time. I don't regret the 10 years time that I gave up. I don't regret having lived those ten years. I find myself less angry with Mike. I find myself more forgiving of him and in some strange way I find I am more forgiving of myself. Perhaps thats it. Perhaps I am to learn to forgive myself. Only time will tell... if I can indeed find time.

I miss the time I had to spend with my friends, most of all I miss Jeremy. He has been all too kind to me and has not forsaken me for his own time. In due time he and I shall have more time. It's like finding your brother and having to leave him all too soon. I know I will miss him a lot when I move. I am sure he will miss me too. Tho I am not going to another state, I am moving far enough away that he will not be able to just 'drop by' to chit chat.

 

In due time I will have more time, but for now I must sacrifice time for happiness.  

My only issue is time. Time won't give me time.

- D

Wish Me Luck!

I have an open house to attend today. Thing is, they have already seen my resumé. They are already very happy with it. The only thing that may keep me from getting this job is that I am WWWAAAAAYYYYY overqualified for it. It is basically working customer tech support in a call center. I know it is not the best job on the planet, but neither is being a bouncer. If I get this job tho it will do a lot for me. Consider this. After taxes it'd give me roughly 330 bucks a week. My rent is 320 a month. With this money I can fix my license which is a desperate thing right now. I can lease a hot shit car. I can buy a new computer (FrankenMac is slowly dieing after 7years of being a workhorse.). I can go through some serious retail therapy. I can visit mom and my sister anytime I felt like it. I can live like a king until I find a job that is more my speed.

So wish me luck chulos. Oh an dby the way, I am so very grateful for all of the encouraging emails I have gotten from the readers. I will not name names because I understand the whole "don't want people to know I am on some queers blog" thing. So just know, and you shy bitches know who you are, that I am very grateful for the emails. I know I will be ok, I am petrified but I guess the comments on my being brave are correct. Bravery is taking the action even tho you are scared shitless. If I don't get the gig, life goes on another will come my way.

Been a bit lonely and figuring if I do get a job where I can reliably feed myself I will get a dog. I was thinking an American Staffordshire Terrier. They are related to pit bulls but have a great temperament, make great companions and work dogs and are infamous for being great around children and friendly to people yet protective of their homes and owners. Much like myself. So the loneliness will be somewhat cured. I don't need to fuck everything that hoves into my field of vision to patch the hurt. Tho this weekend I am going to PTown for the first time. A bear event called Out of Hibernation. I do plan on using a shit ton of condoms. :P I'll take lots of pictures and post the G rated ones. Later chulos!

-Daemian

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places...

Looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love in too many faces. Searching their eyes, looking for traces of what I'm dreaming of.

I don't quite know why I am so preoccupied with looking for love. The obvious answer is that I am just looking to fill a newly created void. That would be a fine answer if I knew for sure that's what it was. But I am not so sure. I am wondering if I am that empty that I feel this need to be us and we instead of I and me. I know I just seem to do better when in a relationship. I have more motivation when someone else's expectations are at stake. It may be exhausting but I like living up to the expectations of others. Somehow it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Ourselves are the easiest people to let down.

I seem to be more able to and more focused on building a life when I have someone to build it with. Does this mean I am some kind of team player that requires the input of others to excel? Does this mean I am needy and incomplete? Does it just mean that I am lonely? Does it mean I should stop looking? What if I can't? What if I stop looking and find myself lost?

I can't stop looking, it's like finding a treasure on a map then losing again. Thing is once you have found it... you know it is out there somewhere. Thats more of a torment than never knowing the treasure was there to begin with. So like some guy who found some treasure once, I know it is out there and I can't stop looking for it. If I stop looking for it I may never find it again without intervention of circumstance, accident and fate. All of which have a sucky track record as it's all just random. I hate random odds. I may end up spending a lifetime looking for it.

I mean I met someone, we both like each other, we have things in common and the sex was banging. I met my sexual match in spades. We enjoy the same things and his reason for being single is that the right one just hasn't come along yet. So once again, the fool in an eternal search, I find myself hoping he thinks I am Mr. Right. Hoping that it wasn't just one steamy night with a mild courtship as a leader. Hoping that distance (1 hour away) is overcome and is a non-issue. Sad thing is the courtship was rather sexual to begin with... and he was the aggressor. So a courtship of a few weeks and a steamy night. J would say... stop over analyzing this. I know. But there are so many questions that I can't help but ask. They all ultimately boil down to the question that can not be over analyzed enough. Why am I looking for love at all? Especially given I already know how much it can hurt.

Masochist at matters of the heart?

Oh well, guess some questions will just fall on deaf ears. Well I do hope I can turn a steamy few weeks of courtship that turned into an all too hot night into something good. Of course this is all about what I want. I can only hope that he wants what I want. Just have to try to keep positive.

- Daemian

Mistakes...

I made a mistake. Now I have to live with it. Nuff said. I am such a fucking pussy. Perhaps blogging about my life is a bad thing because now the world knows I am a pussy.

What do I do now? It's a question only I can answer I guess. I think I am taking a hiatus for a while. No indecisiveness about that.

Til whenever...

-D

Indecisive...

Ok... so I am sitting here and contemplating my extremes. Not sure which way to go. See when I make a decision I am very stubborn about it. I make the decision and thats that. Given I see that I am stubborn about it and will not turn back once the decision is made I try to curb it. But in curbing it I become very indecisive. Weighing every pro and con, every possible outcome to the finest point until I can take it no more and say... screw it I'll just have a burger for dinner.

Same goes with my labido. I on one hand am so damn horny (damn latino blood) that I get stir crazy. Just jerking off doesn't cut it. I did it for 10yrs, 30 days out of ever 31 days. So why am I so frightened to just go out and have as much casual sex as my labido can handle? Yes there is disease and there are loonies out there... but Christ what am I to do?

So on one hand a big part of me wants to just not fuck anyone. Let it go until I find someone who can at least wait til the 2nd or 3rd date before I hand over my goodies. But at the same time a big part of me wants to just paint the town white. I mean where I come from sex on the first date is a must. The way the sex goes determines if there will be a second date. So now I am going to flip flop on the whole fucking issue. To screw or not to screw.

Pros:

1. I will put myself out there. The only way to meet someone is to put yourself out there.
2. I will satisfy my labido making me appear and feel less desperate.
3. I will get to have massive amount of good to great sex. (I don't have bad sex)
4. I will gain a reputation for being a good lover.
5. I will feel sexier or more studly. (Always good for the ego)
6. I will have some fun.
7. I will meet new people and possibly make a friend or two.
   

Cons:

1. I will be exposing mysel to all sorts of nasty little bugs. Condoms are not 100%.
2. I will most likely either feel unfulfilled or fall for someone who has no intention of actually dating.
3. I will gain a reputation as a whore.
4. I will meet some lunatics who fall for me after just one night.
5. I will possibly end up rebuilding my ego based on sex and then end up with another Mike.
6. I will have to wash my sheets all the fucking time until I get more than one set.
7. I am unsure as to how fucking an entire town can help you make friends.

So those are the pros and the cons. I still can't decide. I know I can easily go out tonight and pick up a Mr. Thursday #2... very easily. But is that really in my best interest? My labido says yes... my brain, while it still has some blood in it, says no. How does one go about killing their indecisive nature and just make the decision... good or bad?

I can't decide what to do. I do know that I am a man of extremes. Very seldom do I make a move to the middle... it is either left.... or right.

- Daemian

The Little Things

Sometimes something as small as a movie can at least make you forget. Something as small as a movie can help you remember. I have played a lot of heavies in my days of acting. I have always wanted to play one heavy in particular. Jareth.

"How you've turned my world you precious thing. You starve and near exhaust me. Everything I've done, I've done for you. I move the stars for no one. You've run so long you've run so far. Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel. Tho I do believe in you. Yes I do. Life without the sunlight, love without a heartbeat. I... can't live within you."

or better

"I have been generous up til now. I gave you everything you wanted. Everything! You asked that the baby be taken and I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down and I have done it all for you! It's exhausting living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?"

ooh ooh ooh even better

"Stop. Wait. Look Sarah. Look what I'm offering you... your dreams. I ask for so little, just let me rule you and you can have everything you want. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."

All from the same sequence and for once it's something in a heavy I can relate to. Eerie.

But I am feeling better. These things come in waves, I just have to re-center myself.

It's only forever. Which is not long at all.

-Daemian

Meds...

I have not taken an anti-depressent in roughly 7 years. I learned how to control things. My mind, my emotions etc... recognition is 75% of the battle. Once you learn to recognize the signs and the behavior one can take steps to curb it.

I have been victim to my own mind since I was a child. I may have mentioned in a previous post that I am prone to bouts of depression. I am. I have some insane highs and insane lows. I had gotten so used to recognizing it that I was able to just stop... breath... think and move on. I got into the habit of calling it "moody"... as I am also prone to mood swings.

I have been doing very well without the meds. But as of late I have been steadily losing control. Where I could once keep myself from tail spinning and spiraling out of control , I find that more and more I am spiraling faster and faster. Unable to control my own mind or my own feelings. This could be in part to my being lonely. I am not used to being alone... never have been. But I don't know. On one hand I hated the meds. They kept me from feeling. Being an emotional creature not feeling is unacceptable. On the other hand... they kept me sane and clear.

Do I go back on the meds, leaving myself emotionally barren? Do I find a way to become a stronger person spiritually and mentally to get myself back in check? Both of those options hold some hope and promise. It's now about getting over being indecisive and choosing a path and praying it works. I wish I had a buddhist temple to go to around here. That was so very helpful. Having a calm soothing place to go. Having great supporters and teachers that showed me how to calm myself, my mind and my spirit. I feel broken right now and I don't know what to do about it. God... I am even having a Ricky moment, I am crying and I don't know why. I know what it doesn't have to do with... I don't know what it does have to do with. I just felt like crying. What am I? On my period or something?

Well.. before I short circuit my laptop....

ciao

-D

Ugh...

Well I have got to stop going to Blu on my time off. I end up doing shit for nothing there. I am almost bored with the clientele which is making Blu more of a job. Which is fine I guess... it is what it is meant to be.

I am realizing how boring to myself I am. So thats not fun.

I guess until I get a car or a man (yeah good luck on that. So far all I have found are boys.) I am doomed to spend my days and nights looking at these 4 walls. Almost feels like I put myself in a prison until Spring comes. At least when Spring is sprung I can walk around the city and not suffer hypothermia. I can't stand this no car thing. I mean c'mon... no real mass transit system to speak of either... it's drive or be trapped. I can't even get a decent dayjob doing what I am trained to do without a frikkin car.

Yes the Bear and Mr.Thursday... they were fun, but unfulfilling. Maybe becoming a man of the cloth is in order. LOL. Could you picture that... if I don't like boys now.. I don't think priesthood is for me. LOL. Should I just go back to my voluntary drought? It at least made me a tad bit interesting. I mean like I said they were fun... but ultimately unfulfilling. Did I feel great? Yes.... Did I feel empty after? No. But is that what I want? Sex with fuck buddies that don't go anywhere because all it is... is sex? No. Maybe I should look at it as... I had my fun with two hotties... got reassurance that it is fun but still not what I am looking for. Maybe a voluntary drought is just what I need. As if 10yrs with Mike wasn't drought enough right? LOL.

Difficult indeed. But I'll make it. I have to. Just wish I didn't have to do it alone. I need a fucking cheerleader or something.

-Daemian

Overthinking, a Good Nights Sleep and Internet Glee...

(This is a massive edit to the original post)

I do tend to over think, over evaluate, over everything a situation and my actions. I don't like 'not knowing'. I don't like 'not being sure'. It's what makes me a bad gambler... I simply won't make the 'bet' if I do not think the odds are in my favor by some huge amount.

Then I make a choice, but of course... once I make a choice I have to sit down and figure the odds of it being the correct thing to do.

C and I made plans to have him come over and check out the room and a movie today. I don't think he will show up tho. I may have, in the cloud my mind has been in lately, scared him off. No hard feelings of course, just thwarted intentions. I don't think I will call him, he's a big boy. I can only hope that I get lucky and lightning strikes twice for me. I will just have to wait and see.

A good nights sleep can sometimes clear your mind of a lot of fog. Since I got here I have not had a good nights/days sleep. It's been really cold in my room and I only had a fucking sheet. Well my 'Hag in Training' gained some gigantic brownie points. She gave me a blanket and my oh my does this thing get me toastie. So last night I actually slept all the way through the night. Can sleep dep. make you insane and lose focus? I say yes. I lost focus of a lot and after having slept through the night finally without the shivers waking me up every 10 - 15 minutes... I feel lik eI have regained that focus. I feel energized. Ready to take on just about anything. Amazing what letting your mind and body rest, recuperate and rebuild can do for you.

During the course of this blog you guys have seen that I reference the past 2 years of my life as a journey of self discovery. That I had re-embraced my eastern childhood lessons and was finding myself. Well ever since I broke up with Mike (sleep dep making it worse) I had lost sight of that. I hadn't given myself the credit I was due. I failed to recognize that in the past 2 years I discovered who I am. That in discovering who I am I learned to love myself. In learning to love myself I saw I had to end my unhealthy relationship. In ending my unhealthy relationship I almost lost sight of 2 years worth of work. In revitalizing my mind I have regained my focus and clarity. I came a long way in 2 years and took a huge leap in going on 2 months. I am confident that I know who I am and what I am about. I hadn't given myself enough credit. Well I am giving myself that credit now. The pat on the back I fucking deserve.

Well, I slept... I slept well. I feel good. I have regained my focus. Sober and all. Jaeryd is right in a sense. I don't need someone in my life... I want someone in my life. In the past 2 years (journey of self) I have learned a lot. One thing is that I am not the type to be single. It's just who I am and what I like. But I am just fine on my own. In those 2 years I learned that while I am a horny motherfucker, if I could fuck 3 - 4 times a day without my balls hurting... I'd be in heaven, it is something I can control.

That I am going to have sex in the context of a relationship out of a personal choice is something I decided a long time ago and rediscovered the reason last month. I had done something with someone out of the context of a relationship as a newly single guy and I didn't like it. The same feeling I got at 18 I had again at 28. You know what they say... the more things change the more they stay the same. I have changed in my love and appreciation of myself, but the core of what makes me tick. The things that motivate me. The things that drive me to seek a companion. Those things have not changed. There is comfort in knowing that I really do know who I am and what I am about. That is more than most guys my age or in my situation can say about themselves. In a way I was prepared to make the leap I made. The past 2 years prepared me for it.

Does this mean sex outside the context of a relationship while single will not happen? Of course not, I am human. I am a man. I am horny. I will try to have the courage of my convictions tho.

On a less serious note... we got the internet back! Woohoo! The DNS servers for us were static, but then comcast decided to switch to dynamic DNS without saying anything. So of course the static DNS servers got hosed and boom we lost internet. Thought it was one of the neighbors mistaking our wi-fi for theirs. Not malicious it happens. So I secured the wi-fi, secured the router and Joe got on the phone with comcasy. Of course comcast had him do everything I already did and then comcast fiigured out that the DNS servers got hosed. So it is fixed now and all is right once again in internet land. Yay! I am an internet addict and without my fix bad things happen. Like I break my dick watching porn I have saved on my computer.
LOL... believe it or not, I enjoyed fixing it. It was like "ooh a puzzle!'. Maybe I should try to work for comcast. Seems they need Mac Techs there.

-Daemian

P.S. I am sorry for not being more open with you Jaeryd. Forgive me?

Scary Realizations...

You know, sometimes a healthy event can scare the living shit out of you. I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom, came back to bed, got up again when I could not get to sleep, had a smoke, came back inside, fixed the wi-fi network and then it hit me. So far every time I go out for a smoke I think about Mike. I didn't think about him this time. I slept through the night, with not a dream about him. Does this mean I am really detaching? I read one of his emails he sent to me and instead of tearing up... I was able to just read it. I think it is too soon to talk to him on the phone for fear of a healing wound being re-opened.

Does this mean I no longer love him? Of course not. I will always love him. Does this mean I am done hurting? I mean I did spend one month actually being single, I found out the person I became. I realize what it is I need in my life right now. I expect a relationship to be something uplifting. I expect to feel love when I see someone, not anger or resentment. I expect emotional openness. Emotions do not consist of just anger and happiness, there is a broad range and I need someone who can readily express them all to me. I am an emotional guy and expect emotional support. Let me in and I will be yours. I need encouragement. I am in a very volatile position right now having to start over from scratch. So I have to relearn how to depend on others for help. The last thing I want to do is to have to call mom and beg for cash. It takes a bit of pride swallowing to do that. I need someone who can put my mind at ease about it, to let me know it is ok to ask for help. That it doesn't change who I am or how they see me. I need someone who CAN be there for me... do not forsake me and I am yours.

Right now I don't want to be me. I need someone who will help me want to be me. (I tend to get depressed easily and I recognize that so don't think I am going to go jumping off a bridge) It's not the time to break down and I need someone in my life that can help lift me... not refuse to lift me.

His problems needs to be our problems. Be there to lift me and I will be there to lift you. I want to be able to freely show my love and all I have to offer. I don't want to be ashamed of my body, my face, my problems. I want to give someone the power to be great. I want to give someone the power to enhance my happiness, not looking for someone to MAKE me happy... only I can do that.

Does that person even exist? I hope so.

God I am such a hopeless romantic. A single rose and a stolen kiss... a stroke on the nape of the neck, an opened door, a lite for my cigarette, a look in my eyes.

I liked being in a relationship... regardless of how unhealthy it was.. I enjoyed the companionship, conversation etc.. I know that the person I became is someone who NEEDS to give love. I am someone that wants and needs someone to love. I don't quite like being single. I do like having living spaces be separate, but I don't like not having someone to express my feelings to. Someone to share my deepest desires and secrets. So scary realization right there is that I am a Cancer. A family man, a homebody... someone who can administer an immeasurable amount of pelasure and love to those I care about. Being single does not suit me and I realize now that it never did. That is the reason I was a slutty teenager and wanted to experience it all so I could settle down early and be happy with someone for a longer period of time.

I am a wounded animal that is having a surprisingly speedy recovery, and the scariest realization was that... I am fine.


-Daemian