Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places...

Looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love in too many faces. Searching their eyes, looking for traces of what I'm dreaming of.

I don't quite know why I am so preoccupied with looking for love. The obvious answer is that I am just looking to fill a newly created void. That would be a fine answer if I knew for sure that's what it was. But I am not so sure. I am wondering if I am that empty that I feel this need to be us and we instead of I and me. I know I just seem to do better when in a relationship. I have more motivation when someone else's expectations are at stake. It may be exhausting but I like living up to the expectations of others. Somehow it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Ourselves are the easiest people to let down.

I seem to be more able to and more focused on building a life when I have someone to build it with. Does this mean I am some kind of team player that requires the input of others to excel? Does this mean I am needy and incomplete? Does it just mean that I am lonely? Does it mean I should stop looking? What if I can't? What if I stop looking and find myself lost?

I can't stop looking, it's like finding a treasure on a map then losing again. Thing is once you have found it... you know it is out there somewhere. Thats more of a torment than never knowing the treasure was there to begin with. So like some guy who found some treasure once, I know it is out there and I can't stop looking for it. If I stop looking for it I may never find it again without intervention of circumstance, accident and fate. All of which have a sucky track record as it's all just random. I hate random odds. I may end up spending a lifetime looking for it.

I mean I met someone, we both like each other, we have things in common and the sex was banging. I met my sexual match in spades. We enjoy the same things and his reason for being single is that the right one just hasn't come along yet. So once again, the fool in an eternal search, I find myself hoping he thinks I am Mr. Right. Hoping that it wasn't just one steamy night with a mild courtship as a leader. Hoping that distance (1 hour away) is overcome and is a non-issue. Sad thing is the courtship was rather sexual to begin with... and he was the aggressor. So a courtship of a few weeks and a steamy night. J would say... stop over analyzing this. I know. But there are so many questions that I can't help but ask. They all ultimately boil down to the question that can not be over analyzed enough. Why am I looking for love at all? Especially given I already know how much it can hurt.

Masochist at matters of the heart?

Oh well, guess some questions will just fall on deaf ears. Well I do hope I can turn a steamy few weeks of courtship that turned into an all too hot night into something good. Of course this is all about what I want. I can only hope that he wants what I want. Just have to try to keep positive.

- Daemian