So I have decided to give Joey a second chance. Sometimes I wish I had given Michael another shot after the break up, but I didn't. So... in correcting mistakes of the past, I am going to give him another shot.
Allegedly we are "starting over". Just dating, not BFs. I don't know tho. Things are not the same. The past few days all we seem to do is piss each other off. His inability to make solid plans is starting to get to me. I mean, if you say, "I'll come over tomorrow.. " dammit you should be there. Or if I say "Hey you coming over on Thursday? I am off." and all I get is a "maybe", which I am quickly learning to take as a most likely not, I can't help but feel this distance. I seem to be Plan B. It didn't bother me before, but now it seems to.
I dunno, maybe I am being too guarded and overly sensitive. Who knows. We'll see where this goes if it goes anywhere at all.
- D
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Monday, November 10, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Then Suddenly...
The ground falls from beneath me. As quickly as love found me, love has left me. I am not as upset as I should be. In reality, I sort of saw this coming. My new ex simply did not love himself. As admitted, I was too good to be true. I was like something unreal. Something that his subconscious kept trying to wake up from. He was waiting for the ground to fall from beneath him. For the other shoe to drop. I guess it did not bode well for him. He was always worried that I was going to leave him and hurt him.
It would seem that Boston men have a lot of issues. They are treated so poorly by their own that when one comes along that treats them well, it is unbelievable. Part of my own emotional baggage is to fix mistakes of the past. As seen in my staunch disapproval of domestic violence. I grew up with domestic violence and vowed to never let that cycle continue. So no matter how angry I got.. I may yell, I may argue... but I will never get in my lovers face nor would I ever physically hurt them. Additional baggage would be in that I may not have been the best when it came to how I treated Michael. I treat him like a child. Like someone who needed constant guidance and protection. He is a grown man and needs neither. In realizing this I have decided to treat my lover very well. To instill in myself this will to be a great man for my lover. As it would seem this is too much for those who take their baggage negatively to handle.
I treated Joey too well. As bizarre as it seems, I did. We all idealize this great relationship in which we are treated well and with respect. Is it really what we want tho? Not that treating him well was outside of the "Me". It was not, it was in fact the man I have always wanted to be and found it in myself to become. It was me. But it seems that even trying to show someone that not all gay men are all the same is not something we seem to want. Do men really want to be treated poorly? Because it is more in line to their accepted reality? Have we become so jaded? Do I give up on being a good man and find that side of myself that is, for all intents and purposes, a "manizer"? When I gave up on dating and treated men like garbage I found no end in the supply of guys who wanted to date me.
In all reality it probably would not have worked between me and Joey. I mean.. we are both tops. I bottomed and enjoyed it with him because I opened my heart up to love him. Love him I did. But let us be realistic.... I am a top. Maybe I would have hurt him at some point. Perhaps at some point I would have fucked every bottom that shook his ass like a bitch in heat. Perhaps I would have broken up with him over purely sexual reasons. Who knows. I was willing to try tho. It did feel like we were always hanging over an edge. Me being well grounded holding him, dangling, over the edge... trying my hardest to not let go. He was aware of his predicament. I promised him I would not let go. Not let him fall... but I can not hold on if he let go. Well... he let go. He fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
We had a decent 2 months. Everytime we were together it was fantastic. When we weren't together he would go into this tailspin. If I showed even the slightest displeasure or disappointment he would try to "give me an out". He felt he did not deserve me and that I deserved better. I can not fix that. So I am single again. I don't do the whole break up and make up thing. I just don't. Does that mean I won't get back together with him? I don't know. I hope he fixes himself. When he does... I may be here... I may not. Such is life. Funny enough.. I am not as upset as I should be. I am hurt, make no mistake, but I am not a mess. I do think I am done with putting my heart out there to have it shat on. I do think I will go back to just using men for sex and nothing more. It is what it is right?
- D
It would seem that Boston men have a lot of issues. They are treated so poorly by their own that when one comes along that treats them well, it is unbelievable. Part of my own emotional baggage is to fix mistakes of the past. As seen in my staunch disapproval of domestic violence. I grew up with domestic violence and vowed to never let that cycle continue. So no matter how angry I got.. I may yell, I may argue... but I will never get in my lovers face nor would I ever physically hurt them. Additional baggage would be in that I may not have been the best when it came to how I treated Michael. I treat him like a child. Like someone who needed constant guidance and protection. He is a grown man and needs neither. In realizing this I have decided to treat my lover very well. To instill in myself this will to be a great man for my lover. As it would seem this is too much for those who take their baggage negatively to handle.
I treated Joey too well. As bizarre as it seems, I did. We all idealize this great relationship in which we are treated well and with respect. Is it really what we want tho? Not that treating him well was outside of the "Me". It was not, it was in fact the man I have always wanted to be and found it in myself to become. It was me. But it seems that even trying to show someone that not all gay men are all the same is not something we seem to want. Do men really want to be treated poorly? Because it is more in line to their accepted reality? Have we become so jaded? Do I give up on being a good man and find that side of myself that is, for all intents and purposes, a "manizer"? When I gave up on dating and treated men like garbage I found no end in the supply of guys who wanted to date me.
In all reality it probably would not have worked between me and Joey. I mean.. we are both tops. I bottomed and enjoyed it with him because I opened my heart up to love him. Love him I did. But let us be realistic.... I am a top. Maybe I would have hurt him at some point. Perhaps at some point I would have fucked every bottom that shook his ass like a bitch in heat. Perhaps I would have broken up with him over purely sexual reasons. Who knows. I was willing to try tho. It did feel like we were always hanging over an edge. Me being well grounded holding him, dangling, over the edge... trying my hardest to not let go. He was aware of his predicament. I promised him I would not let go. Not let him fall... but I can not hold on if he let go. Well... he let go. He fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
We had a decent 2 months. Everytime we were together it was fantastic. When we weren't together he would go into this tailspin. If I showed even the slightest displeasure or disappointment he would try to "give me an out". He felt he did not deserve me and that I deserved better. I can not fix that. So I am single again. I don't do the whole break up and make up thing. I just don't. Does that mean I won't get back together with him? I don't know. I hope he fixes himself. When he does... I may be here... I may not. Such is life. Funny enough.. I am not as upset as I should be. I am hurt, make no mistake, but I am not a mess. I do think I am done with putting my heart out there to have it shat on. I do think I will go back to just using men for sex and nothing more. It is what it is right?
- D
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
How Daemian Got His Groove Back...
I finally gots me interwebz. Wooha!!!
So I now have a couch, a loveseat and a huge 42" LCD HD TV! Dear lord. My apartment is slowly coming together. I have to start thinking about the walls and actually decorating. Gayness here I come!
It felt good to be back in World of Warcraft. The new patch is fun. It builds so much anticipation for the Wrath of the Lich King.
Next Friday is my Halloween / Housewarming Party. Can't wait, it should be fun. Co-Workers, friends... Homos and Heteros having fun together. What next? Dogs fucking Cats?
I am going to see my family the first week of November for my vacation. I have to make sure I hit NYC to have lunch with Walter, to drop off the keys to the old apartment with Mike and pick up a few things I left behind in the old apartment. At first I was apprehensive about this prospect but at this point I am just fine with it.
My Joey.... I got my groove back. IT is an interesting thing going on. I let my guard down and decided to allow myself to love someone again. I am scared shitless about it. I know that in doing so I have given him the power to hurt me. I don't ever want to get hurt again. But I decided that I want to live life. I can't truly live life if I don't allow myself attachment. I am in love. How do I know? A few key events. I miss him when he is gone, I am genuinely happy when I see him and... drum roll please.... I let him Top me. I enjoyed being topped more emotionally that I did physically. Physically it does nothing for me... but emotionally it felt fantastic. I enjoyed it so much because it was with him. I know that eventually this have to end. Either in death or in break up. Nothing lasts forever. I just hope this doesn't end too soon.
So I now have a couch, a loveseat and a huge 42" LCD HD TV! Dear lord. My apartment is slowly coming together. I have to start thinking about the walls and actually decorating. Gayness here I come!
It felt good to be back in World of Warcraft. The new patch is fun. It builds so much anticipation for the Wrath of the Lich King.
Next Friday is my Halloween / Housewarming Party. Can't wait, it should be fun. Co-Workers, friends... Homos and Heteros having fun together. What next? Dogs fucking Cats?
I am going to see my family the first week of November for my vacation. I have to make sure I hit NYC to have lunch with Walter, to drop off the keys to the old apartment with Mike and pick up a few things I left behind in the old apartment. At first I was apprehensive about this prospect but at this point I am just fine with it.
My Joey.... I got my groove back. IT is an interesting thing going on. I let my guard down and decided to allow myself to love someone again. I am scared shitless about it. I know that in doing so I have given him the power to hurt me. I don't ever want to get hurt again. But I decided that I want to live life. I can't truly live life if I don't allow myself attachment. I am in love. How do I know? A few key events. I miss him when he is gone, I am genuinely happy when I see him and... drum roll please.... I let him Top me. I enjoyed being topped more emotionally that I did physically. Physically it does nothing for me... but emotionally it felt fantastic. I enjoyed it so much because it was with him. I know that eventually this have to end. Either in death or in break up. Nothing lasts forever. I just hope this doesn't end too soon.
Monday, August 18, 2008
The One With a Soul Suddenly Becomes Soul-less...
I am sorry that it has been a while since I have last posted. Work has been murder. Between that damn new iPhone release and Tax Free Holiday I have been balls deep in tech support.
It is interesting to see how time changes. It is even more interesting to watch time change you and not have the soul to correct a damaged heart. Perhaps I am still heart broken, too heart broken to stop the changes I am witnessing within myself. I must admit that I am becoming jaded. Not bitter... just jaded. Funny enough the more flippant, nonchalant, egotistical, jaded and soul-less I become the more the hot guys seem to want me. And not just want me, but want to date me. I have tried dating and have come to the conclusion that romantic love is a farce. A trick of the mind. A chemical reaction that forces one to give up everything for someone else. To give 110% to someone who may or may not return the favor. I am not mad at life... life has been rather good to me. Lucky in life even. But love is on my shit list. Romantic love. As such I have done to myself what I have sworn I would not do. I am becoming one of those fags that use other men for sex and is more than content to be by himself. I hadn't lost all hope until recently. Perhaps it is the way I have been treated, perhaps it is who I have always been and just chose to not accept it. This isn't a blog post to bitch. It is merely to express my current state of mind.
I have become cold and I am to stubborn, too lazy or too heartbroken to change it.
It really hit me last night. I had this hot guy over... and I mean fucking hot. He was about 5'10, Blond with stunning blue eyes. An ass that was tight yet could be relaxed to keep one pelvis feeling good, ready and able. We had a great night. I mean it was worth every drop of sweat that we let out. In the end I told him I would love to see him again. As I am not looking to be a slut and would like something more steady. He then said, "I would love to, but I am unable to date you." To which my response was, "*laughter* Hon... I don't want to date you. I just want to fuck you.". The look on his face was one of disappointment. As if he was really just playing hard to get and was upset that I was not playing into the game. Perhaps he was just used to every trick he has falling in love with him and I for once did not. Who knows... but what I do know is that in that instant... that moment in time... I had lost my soul.
I woke up this morning rather cold, flippant and arrogant about the day that lay before me. I can almost predict exactly what will come, how I will handle it and that I will do it with style. I guess I have always been self centered, perhaps that is why Mike and I crumbled. Although he had all of me I don't think he truly knew it nor felt it. I don't have to worry about making that mistake again. I know I hurt him more than he hurt me when I broke up with him. I had always threatened it but never did it. When it was real this time I know it crushed him. I did it because of how I felt. It was always about me. Well I do see. I am all about me and I am either too lazy, too stubborn, too arrogant or too heartbroken to change it. I don't need to be fixed.
- D
It is interesting to see how time changes. It is even more interesting to watch time change you and not have the soul to correct a damaged heart. Perhaps I am still heart broken, too heart broken to stop the changes I am witnessing within myself. I must admit that I am becoming jaded. Not bitter... just jaded. Funny enough the more flippant, nonchalant, egotistical, jaded and soul-less I become the more the hot guys seem to want me. And not just want me, but want to date me. I have tried dating and have come to the conclusion that romantic love is a farce. A trick of the mind. A chemical reaction that forces one to give up everything for someone else. To give 110% to someone who may or may not return the favor. I am not mad at life... life has been rather good to me. Lucky in life even. But love is on my shit list. Romantic love. As such I have done to myself what I have sworn I would not do. I am becoming one of those fags that use other men for sex and is more than content to be by himself. I hadn't lost all hope until recently. Perhaps it is the way I have been treated, perhaps it is who I have always been and just chose to not accept it. This isn't a blog post to bitch. It is merely to express my current state of mind.
I have become cold and I am to stubborn, too lazy or too heartbroken to change it.
It really hit me last night. I had this hot guy over... and I mean fucking hot. He was about 5'10, Blond with stunning blue eyes. An ass that was tight yet could be relaxed to keep one pelvis feeling good, ready and able. We had a great night. I mean it was worth every drop of sweat that we let out. In the end I told him I would love to see him again. As I am not looking to be a slut and would like something more steady. He then said, "I would love to, but I am unable to date you." To which my response was, "*laughter* Hon... I don't want to date you. I just want to fuck you.". The look on his face was one of disappointment. As if he was really just playing hard to get and was upset that I was not playing into the game. Perhaps he was just used to every trick he has falling in love with him and I for once did not. Who knows... but what I do know is that in that instant... that moment in time... I had lost my soul.
I woke up this morning rather cold, flippant and arrogant about the day that lay before me. I can almost predict exactly what will come, how I will handle it and that I will do it with style. I guess I have always been self centered, perhaps that is why Mike and I crumbled. Although he had all of me I don't think he truly knew it nor felt it. I don't have to worry about making that mistake again. I know I hurt him more than he hurt me when I broke up with him. I had always threatened it but never did it. When it was real this time I know it crushed him. I did it because of how I felt. It was always about me. Well I do see. I am all about me and I am either too lazy, too stubborn, too arrogant or too heartbroken to change it. I don't need to be fixed.
- D
Monday, July 21, 2008
Perhaps Acceptance...
Been going through some odd feelings lately. I have been coming to grips with the fact that I would have welcomed not being single, I would have gladly taken a new partner, though I was not ready for it. My decision would have been hasty even. I know, I know... didn't Jaeryd try to tell me that? Of course he did. I would have even done well in a relationship being not ready, it's just part of who I am. I am good at the things I do.
But, now... I don't know so much. I am coming to grips with being single. Slowed down the whole being slutty thing has put a lot into perspective. I don't know nor truly understand what it is just yet. But I do know I am enjoying the new found freedom. Don't even know if I particularly want a partner right now. Oh my god... did I really just say that? Perhaps it's just my strangely manic mode? Perhaps acceptance has really set in?
I have gone on a few dates, trying to find that "Mike" replacement, only to find none of us are really replaceable.. Would I really want to "replace" him anyway? Shouldn't I be looking for something or someone different? Well I have pretty much stopped looking, stopped dating, stopped being desperate. Don't get me wrong, I will still look at every hot guy like he was a piece of meat... but hey I don't have to go there in reality ya know. I also know I don't want to relive all of the mistakes I made along the way.
I don't really know what this all means. I don't, I mean this is a first for me in terms of life experiences. So I don't know what to expect or what to do. But I do know this... now that I am not really looking for a relationship.. watch someone tries to toss one on me. LOL. Go fig.
Well, enough of this weird, woke up from a dead sleep with an inkling to blog rambling. Talk to yas later.
- Daemian
But, now... I don't know so much. I am coming to grips with being single. Slowed down the whole being slutty thing has put a lot into perspective. I don't know nor truly understand what it is just yet. But I do know I am enjoying the new found freedom. Don't even know if I particularly want a partner right now. Oh my god... did I really just say that? Perhaps it's just my strangely manic mode? Perhaps acceptance has really set in?
I have gone on a few dates, trying to find that "Mike" replacement, only to find none of us are really replaceable.. Would I really want to "replace" him anyway? Shouldn't I be looking for something or someone different? Well I have pretty much stopped looking, stopped dating, stopped being desperate. Don't get me wrong, I will still look at every hot guy like he was a piece of meat... but hey I don't have to go there in reality ya know. I also know I don't want to relive all of the mistakes I made along the way.
I don't really know what this all means. I don't, I mean this is a first for me in terms of life experiences. So I don't know what to expect or what to do. But I do know this... now that I am not really looking for a relationship.. watch someone tries to toss one on me. LOL. Go fig.
Well, enough of this weird, woke up from a dead sleep with an inkling to blog rambling. Talk to yas later.
- Daemian
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Time Won't Give Me Time...
Wooh!!! It has been one wild ride so far. As you guys may have noticed I haven't posted in a while. Well, truth be told, I just don't have the damn time. LOL.
I love my job and if I didn't I would say to hell with this commute. My commute currently adds between 4 - 6 hours to my work day. So I am up and out of the house by 6am and don't get home til about 12/1am. Yeah.
So news in the pipe is that I am moving. Yes moving. Moving closer to work. I mean I don't even have time to entertain the idea of having a beer, or dinner or a frikkin date. So in the interest of salvaging my social life and making my working life just so much easier, yes I am moving. Plans are to move during the month of June. I am looking in the Somerville area right now as it really is not that far away... easily commuted on the T or Taxi-cab-able for those nights I decide to hang out past 12.
So far tho, the job is fantastic! I hit the ground running and it is amazing. So many people there think I came from some other Apple store given my performance and I am just like, " Nope never worked as a Mac Genius before.", LOL. It is interesting the feeling you get from helping people. This job certainly feeds my hero complex nicely.
In the dark reaches, that time in which I simply come home and rest to prepare for my next day, I find myself thinking. I find myself reminiscing of time gone by. Thinking about how happy I was. Thinking about how that happiness faded. Thinking about the how and why of things. Being grateful to have known love. Being angry to have lost it. Thinking about time I had, time I have lost and the new happiness standing in front of me.
I love my job, I am learning to love myself, I am learning to live by myself, for myself. But still I do find that every now and then... I miss time gone by. I miss Mike, in that time as I am drifting off to sleep exhausted from the days work... I find myself wondering what he is doing. I miss my old life, the security in familiarity. But I have to remind myself that I must regret nothing. That I must move forward. I always have moved forward. Unafraid of what is waiting. I am hoping and praying that I can find happiness in myself instead of in others. I am hoping that once I find that happiness that the true happiness I had known before it was my time to know it returns. It is funny how time makes points and those points connect to a final destination unknown. Unknown to me but known infinitely to time. I don't regret the 10 years time that I gave up. I don't regret having lived those ten years. I find myself less angry with Mike. I find myself more forgiving of him and in some strange way I find I am more forgiving of myself. Perhaps thats it. Perhaps I am to learn to forgive myself. Only time will tell... if I can indeed find time.
I miss the time I had to spend with my friends, most of all I miss Jeremy. He has been all too kind to me and has not forsaken me for his own time. In due time he and I shall have more time. It's like finding your brother and having to leave him all too soon. I know I will miss him a lot when I move. I am sure he will miss me too. Tho I am not going to another state, I am moving far enough away that he will not be able to just 'drop by' to chit chat.
In due time I will have more time, but for now I must sacrifice time for happiness.
My only issue is time. Time won't give me time.
- D
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
THIS... IS... MY... GIRRRLLLL!!!!
Kristine W. You go girl. OMG, the gay club is rubbing off on me. Anyway, I know how this feels with one exception. It's all very true to me. I mean, he was emotionally unavailable to me. He was not truly free to love. I spent 10yrs trying to get it out of him. Hurting myself in the process. Then not once but twice he showed that he could not truly choose. But he would not turn and walk away, so I had to. Enjoy the music video chulos. I love this bitch, she is... here's my new word of the year coming up... THIS BITCH IS FIERCE!
-Daemian
-Daemian
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places...
Looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love in too many faces. Searching their eyes, looking for traces of what I'm dreaming of.
I don't quite know why I am so preoccupied with looking for love. The obvious answer is that I am just looking to fill a newly created void. That would be a fine answer if I knew for sure that's what it was. But I am not so sure. I am wondering if I am that empty that I feel this need to be us and we instead of I and me. I know I just seem to do better when in a relationship. I have more motivation when someone else's expectations are at stake. It may be exhausting but I like living up to the expectations of others. Somehow it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Ourselves are the easiest people to let down.
I seem to be more able to and more focused on building a life when I have someone to build it with. Does this mean I am some kind of team player that requires the input of others to excel? Does this mean I am needy and incomplete? Does it just mean that I am lonely? Does it mean I should stop looking? What if I can't? What if I stop looking and find myself lost?
I can't stop looking, it's like finding a treasure on a map then losing again. Thing is once you have found it... you know it is out there somewhere. Thats more of a torment than never knowing the treasure was there to begin with. So like some guy who found some treasure once, I know it is out there and I can't stop looking for it. If I stop looking for it I may never find it again without intervention of circumstance, accident and fate. All of which have a sucky track record as it's all just random. I hate random odds. I may end up spending a lifetime looking for it.
I mean I met someone, we both like each other, we have things in common and the sex was banging. I met my sexual match in spades. We enjoy the same things and his reason for being single is that the right one just hasn't come along yet. So once again, the fool in an eternal search, I find myself hoping he thinks I am Mr. Right. Hoping that it wasn't just one steamy night with a mild courtship as a leader. Hoping that distance (1 hour away) is overcome and is a non-issue. Sad thing is the courtship was rather sexual to begin with... and he was the aggressor. So a courtship of a few weeks and a steamy night. J would say... stop over analyzing this. I know. But there are so many questions that I can't help but ask. They all ultimately boil down to the question that can not be over analyzed enough. Why am I looking for love at all? Especially given I already know how much it can hurt.
Masochist at matters of the heart?
Oh well, guess some questions will just fall on deaf ears. Well I do hope I can turn a steamy few weeks of courtship that turned into an all too hot night into something good. Of course this is all about what I want. I can only hope that he wants what I want. Just have to try to keep positive.
- Daemian
I don't quite know why I am so preoccupied with looking for love. The obvious answer is that I am just looking to fill a newly created void. That would be a fine answer if I knew for sure that's what it was. But I am not so sure. I am wondering if I am that empty that I feel this need to be us and we instead of I and me. I know I just seem to do better when in a relationship. I have more motivation when someone else's expectations are at stake. It may be exhausting but I like living up to the expectations of others. Somehow it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Ourselves are the easiest people to let down.
I seem to be more able to and more focused on building a life when I have someone to build it with. Does this mean I am some kind of team player that requires the input of others to excel? Does this mean I am needy and incomplete? Does it just mean that I am lonely? Does it mean I should stop looking? What if I can't? What if I stop looking and find myself lost?
I can't stop looking, it's like finding a treasure on a map then losing again. Thing is once you have found it... you know it is out there somewhere. Thats more of a torment than never knowing the treasure was there to begin with. So like some guy who found some treasure once, I know it is out there and I can't stop looking for it. If I stop looking for it I may never find it again without intervention of circumstance, accident and fate. All of which have a sucky track record as it's all just random. I hate random odds. I may end up spending a lifetime looking for it.
I mean I met someone, we both like each other, we have things in common and the sex was banging. I met my sexual match in spades. We enjoy the same things and his reason for being single is that the right one just hasn't come along yet. So once again, the fool in an eternal search, I find myself hoping he thinks I am Mr. Right. Hoping that it wasn't just one steamy night with a mild courtship as a leader. Hoping that distance (1 hour away) is overcome and is a non-issue. Sad thing is the courtship was rather sexual to begin with... and he was the aggressor. So a courtship of a few weeks and a steamy night. J would say... stop over analyzing this. I know. But there are so many questions that I can't help but ask. They all ultimately boil down to the question that can not be over analyzed enough. Why am I looking for love at all? Especially given I already know how much it can hurt.
Masochist at matters of the heart?
Oh well, guess some questions will just fall on deaf ears. Well I do hope I can turn a steamy few weeks of courtship that turned into an all too hot night into something good. Of course this is all about what I want. I can only hope that he wants what I want. Just have to try to keep positive.
- Daemian
Thursday, January 17, 2008
A Swing and A Miss...
Well Carl and I had our date. Well I knew we were in trouble the minute he suggested we go to Blu. I knew we were in further trouble when he said, 'It's not a date, it's a get together.'. I knew it was done when he said, 'I don't want to lead you on.'.
Is it obvious I like the guy? Yes. But why does it keep turning into 'I'm not ready for a relationship?'. I mean I wanted a proper date, time to get to know who he really is and if I even want to be bothered. But of course I allowed myself to be bullied into that spot and didn't protest, I just sat there... smiled as best I could and took it. He says he is not ready. Thats fine and all, but I have a very basic belief that you fight for what you want. You do whatever it takes to get yourself in a position to get what you want. Well not everyone feels the same way. Instead I get told to take a step back, leaving me feeling like it was never about anything more than sex to him. He even goes as far as saying, 'If I had sex with you then at the club you see me flirting and going home with someone else it would piss you off.', so nope didn't even get laid. A lot of, 'As attractive as you are', got thrown around. I guess to take the sting out of it. At one point I had to ask him to stop saying it. Could it have been any more rehearsed?
Oh well, it was a thwarted intention. He wants me to be his friend because friends have a possibility of being lovers. Problem is I am not wired that way. I can not be friends with someone I have feelings for. It is just not something I am capable of. I don't even know how. I spent the rest of the night drinking beer, listening to the old queens tell stories and giving Carl his space. He can keep the chain I gave him with the key. He can keep it as a reminder that someone who was real gave him a chance. All I can really do I guess is be polite. Say hi when I see him. Make small talk when he makes it. I may not be a happy panda right now but I do still like him.
Now this leaves me in a quandary. I am horny as fuck, the person I was waiting for pretty much told me to fuck off. I am not going to start fucking the entire town. Hell most of these guys I have seen so far I wouldn't let suck my dick. How do I meet people? I mean... you put me in front of a computer and meeting people becomes really easy. You never run out of things to say because you have the time to think and then type. But I want to try more traditional means of meeting people. Tho I don't quite know how. I mean I don't have any interesting stories to tell. Maybe I need a learning annex course on making friends and being personable. Really I guess my hard time is that I am waiting to be approached. Anytime I approach someone my conversation dies after , "Hi I'm Lance. You having a good night?". I do better if I am introduced. At least a mutual friend makes a mutual point of interest. I do better in a one on one setting. I am always so self conscious about people being able to hear my conversation.
I know, I know.. don't be so this or don't be so that. Easier said than done when it is simply part of who you are.
Back to the drawing board.
-Daemian
Is it obvious I like the guy? Yes. But why does it keep turning into 'I'm not ready for a relationship?'. I mean I wanted a proper date, time to get to know who he really is and if I even want to be bothered. But of course I allowed myself to be bullied into that spot and didn't protest, I just sat there... smiled as best I could and took it. He says he is not ready. Thats fine and all, but I have a very basic belief that you fight for what you want. You do whatever it takes to get yourself in a position to get what you want. Well not everyone feels the same way. Instead I get told to take a step back, leaving me feeling like it was never about anything more than sex to him. He even goes as far as saying, 'If I had sex with you then at the club you see me flirting and going home with someone else it would piss you off.', so nope didn't even get laid. A lot of, 'As attractive as you are', got thrown around. I guess to take the sting out of it. At one point I had to ask him to stop saying it. Could it have been any more rehearsed?
Oh well, it was a thwarted intention. He wants me to be his friend because friends have a possibility of being lovers. Problem is I am not wired that way. I can not be friends with someone I have feelings for. It is just not something I am capable of. I don't even know how. I spent the rest of the night drinking beer, listening to the old queens tell stories and giving Carl his space. He can keep the chain I gave him with the key. He can keep it as a reminder that someone who was real gave him a chance. All I can really do I guess is be polite. Say hi when I see him. Make small talk when he makes it. I may not be a happy panda right now but I do still like him.
Now this leaves me in a quandary. I am horny as fuck, the person I was waiting for pretty much told me to fuck off. I am not going to start fucking the entire town. Hell most of these guys I have seen so far I wouldn't let suck my dick. How do I meet people? I mean... you put me in front of a computer and meeting people becomes really easy. You never run out of things to say because you have the time to think and then type. But I want to try more traditional means of meeting people. Tho I don't quite know how. I mean I don't have any interesting stories to tell. Maybe I need a learning annex course on making friends and being personable. Really I guess my hard time is that I am waiting to be approached. Anytime I approach someone my conversation dies after , "Hi I'm Lance. You having a good night?". I do better if I am introduced. At least a mutual friend makes a mutual point of interest. I do better in a one on one setting. I am always so self conscious about people being able to hear my conversation.
I know, I know.. don't be so this or don't be so that. Easier said than done when it is simply part of who you are.
Back to the drawing board.
-Daemian
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Tell Them That You Love Them!
Ever notice how sometimes, in the middle of all of the mess that is your life, you get the urge to tell the people in your life how much they mean to you? But then of course something happens and your attention gets diverted from that. Whatever it may be you forget to tell them what you are thinking.
My mother and I send emails to each other constantly. I may not be able to visit her often but I can still talk on the phone or via email. Now I don't know if this is a mistake for me to do, but I am going to share with you guys the last email I sent to her and her reply.
So you are not lost as to what I am talking about in the email I will give a brief backstory.
My mother and I trade dirty jokes, and goings' on daily almost. In her last email to me she said something about giving my aunt barb (Aunt Bob, she was always female but I couldn't say 'Barb' as a child so it always came out as 'Bob') money to go towards her and my little cousins cruise. She feels a duty to do this because this particular aunt has been going through it if you get my drift. My mother is also a bit trouble about her best friend who has been behaving in a manner unfriend like.
My emails to my mother can sometimes be train of thought-ish. I got the urge to pretty much say what I had been thinking. I lost the chance to let my deceased aunt (there were 3 aunts), the most important one in my life, know how I felt about her. So when I am struck to express my feelings to those in my life I try to do so the moment I think it. I don't want to miss that chance ever again.
Here is my reply to that email. Yes I always sign my emails to my mom "Your Sun" given that the Sun is the base of Son and is thus for a reason.
____________________________
Aunt Bob... man I love that woman too. Over the years I have gotten to know so much about her. Things I don't even think Bianca knows and they were tight. LOL. Aunt Bob has had a very interesting past. She regrets a lot of it, I think she shouldn't. She lived life, that's all. Nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes she feels that her past is the cause for some of Jazz's short comings. They are not. Things and events occur for a reason.
She was meant to have Jazz as he is. Her past has nothing to do with it. But, the fact that she has regrets shows that she is and always was a very good person with good intentions. She has always been there for all of us. She deserves as much as she can get. She's nuts, make no mistake, but in a good and indearing way. LOL.
I wish I had enough material things to help and show my appreciation for not only you but also for your sisters. They have all treated me and Bianca so well. Despite any underlying oddness. I am very lucky. I tell people that all the time. I am lucky. Was my childhood troubled? Yes. Was my family in their many forms there to keep me sane? Definitely.
Aunt Verna for instance, she dotes too much. For her own children this may have given them this sense of never NEEDING to grow up. She lied to herself about it, and still does. But that is her winning formula. I was around her just long enough to benefit without it being a detriment. Aunt Bob showed me to live life hard and fast. She was always on the go and doing things. I may not have that energy, but she showed me I can live life on my own terms.
Aunt Pat showed me how to use the love you have that you have no outlet for to make some else happy. She had no kids of her own, but she had that love to give. She gave to us and I will always remember and cherish that.
Then there is you. Lord if I don't get my wit, intelligence, tenacity, artisticness and strength from you. You showed me that even though we don't always make the right choices we have to go on. Even though things did not turn out like we thought they would, we have to go on. Even when others put us down and try to keep us there, we have to go on. A single mother, fighting to stay afloat in the midst of money problems, relationship problems and fear... we have to go on. Fear nothing and fear no one. The unknown is not something to be afraid of. If you have to put yourself out there and take a chance, be brave and do it.
You all deserve a damn cruise! At the very least. Think about what we have been through and how we came out of it. Some would say I should be dead or behind bars. I do recognize they are right. And that is not only my own doing, but yours as well. All of you gals. All of you had something to do with it. Granted I have to give myself some credit in this too. I had to have the eyes to see it. I saw it.
If I could make all of your lives easy, I would. If I could send you all on cruise, just to say thank you... I would.
So do send Aunt Bob money, give Aunt Verna your love and give yourself all the reasons you need to succeed. You spent too long taking care of other people. It is your turn. Pat will do her thing and like I said, she has been with you in many chapters of your book. Maybe it is her time to not be in the next chapter. Tho that does not mean she will not make a triumphant return in the chapter after that.
Love you always,
Your Sun
_______________________________________
This is my mother reply. I almost cried.
_______________________________________
Yes my dear Sun, you have the wisdom of a man and I am very proud of you and always have been, and will always love you no matter what and will always be with you, you are my child and you will be a great person in your own rights and people are going to know who you are, just wait, and you will see.
You will be blessed with good health wealth and prosperity, trust your old mom she knows what she is talking about. And never forget your little sister she loves you too.
Love Mom
_____________________________________
What she says in it may not be that special. But to know that your parent is proud of you. To know that she has noticed. That she does care. That I have not somehow disappointed her was overwhelming.
I am an out and proud gay man. Make no mistake. But sometimes I feel bad about it. Not so much about being gay, more about not giving her what I know she wanted. She wanted to be a grandmother by now. She wanted her only son to be the one to give her that first grandchild. She wanted to feel that joy of a baby again. My sister is rather young, 24, and is not so into having a kid just yet. I don't blame her, she has more life to live yet.
If anything, I always felt that I disappointed my mother somehow... irrational I know. She is a bit Archie Bunker-ish in her speaking, but much like Archie she is not really racist or homophobic but more a product of her era. She loves Mike, thinks he is a good - albeit small - guy. She has never seen me so happy to hear her say it. But she is a rock in my life.
So I am saying it not only to you mom but to the world in this blog. I love you. I am a better man because of you.
I spoke about losing my most cherished of the aunts without her knowing how I truly felt. This devastated me. I was a troubled child that gave her a lot of grief for nothing. All she ever did was love me. She even saved my ass from a ew well deserved spankings. She lived with us and worked as a nurses aid. Our Christmas' were always great. See she had no kids of her own and my sister and myself were those children she never had. Even as I sit here and remember some of the horrible things I had said to her out of childish anger as a child I tear up.
I know it was trivial. I was a child. Who holds a child accountable for childish shit right? I know she didn't. But what meant more to me was that I never said I was sorry. I never apologized to her for it. I wanted to, so many times I wanted to. But I never did.
Anyone who knows me knows that you do not call me after 10pm nor during my shows. But she was the only one who could get away with it. Given her schedule, late nights was like her 6pm. So she would come home and like clockwork would call me at 12am and we would talk for hours. I didn't care. I loved her and she loved me. It got to the point that I would just stay awake because I knew she'd be calling. After she died it took about a year before I could fall asleep before 12am. Even now, I have a hard time some nights sleeping before 12am.
So I am saying it here, for the world to see. I love you Aunt Pat (not to be confused with my mothers best friend pat). I love you and I am sorry. I am sorry I never made sure you knew I loved you by saying it. I am sorry I never told you how much I missed you when you moved out. I am sorry I never told you how much I missed you when I moved to NYC. I am sorry I never told you I was sorry for the things I said and did as a child. I am sorry. You were my other mother and losing you was the hardest thing to ever endure. I miss you and I love you.
To Michael... what can I say. 10 years. 10 years of ups and downs, a few roundabouts and more than our fair share of fights. We have been through a lot together. We had gone from rags to riches back to rags and once again working oursleves back up. Despite all of this, we are still together and still in love. I know I have said it before, but I love you. I appreciate you. Sometimes it may seem like I don't, I am a moody son of a bitch. But I do, waking up in the morning next to you gives me no greater pleasure to compare it to. It stands above the others. No matter what mistakes I make or you make... I love you.
I guess the moral of this blog is to tell them. Tell the ones in your life that made you who you are. Tell those who you have fallen in love with. Tell them that you love them. You could put it off for a day, a week, a month, or even an hour and lose the chance to ever say it. So say it!
I love you.
My mother and I send emails to each other constantly. I may not be able to visit her often but I can still talk on the phone or via email. Now I don't know if this is a mistake for me to do, but I am going to share with you guys the last email I sent to her and her reply.
So you are not lost as to what I am talking about in the email I will give a brief backstory.
My mother and I trade dirty jokes, and goings' on daily almost. In her last email to me she said something about giving my aunt barb (Aunt Bob, she was always female but I couldn't say 'Barb' as a child so it always came out as 'Bob') money to go towards her and my little cousins cruise. She feels a duty to do this because this particular aunt has been going through it if you get my drift. My mother is also a bit trouble about her best friend who has been behaving in a manner unfriend like.
My emails to my mother can sometimes be train of thought-ish. I got the urge to pretty much say what I had been thinking. I lost the chance to let my deceased aunt (there were 3 aunts), the most important one in my life, know how I felt about her. So when I am struck to express my feelings to those in my life I try to do so the moment I think it. I don't want to miss that chance ever again.
Here is my reply to that email. Yes I always sign my emails to my mom "Your Sun" given that the Sun is the base of Son and is thus for a reason.
____________________________
Aunt Bob... man I love that woman too. Over the years I have gotten to know so much about her. Things I don't even think Bianca knows and they were tight. LOL. Aunt Bob has had a very interesting past. She regrets a lot of it, I think she shouldn't. She lived life, that's all. Nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes she feels that her past is the cause for some of Jazz's short comings. They are not. Things and events occur for a reason.
She was meant to have Jazz as he is. Her past has nothing to do with it. But, the fact that she has regrets shows that she is and always was a very good person with good intentions. She has always been there for all of us. She deserves as much as she can get. She's nuts, make no mistake, but in a good and indearing way. LOL.
I wish I had enough material things to help and show my appreciation for not only you but also for your sisters. They have all treated me and Bianca so well. Despite any underlying oddness. I am very lucky. I tell people that all the time. I am lucky. Was my childhood troubled? Yes. Was my family in their many forms there to keep me sane? Definitely.
Aunt Verna for instance, she dotes too much. For her own children this may have given them this sense of never NEEDING to grow up. She lied to herself about it, and still does. But that is her winning formula. I was around her just long enough to benefit without it being a detriment. Aunt Bob showed me to live life hard and fast. She was always on the go and doing things. I may not have that energy, but she showed me I can live life on my own terms.
Aunt Pat showed me how to use the love you have that you have no outlet for to make some else happy. She had no kids of her own, but she had that love to give. She gave to us and I will always remember and cherish that.
Then there is you. Lord if I don't get my wit, intelligence, tenacity, artisticness and strength from you. You showed me that even though we don't always make the right choices we have to go on. Even though things did not turn out like we thought they would, we have to go on. Even when others put us down and try to keep us there, we have to go on. A single mother, fighting to stay afloat in the midst of money problems, relationship problems and fear... we have to go on. Fear nothing and fear no one. The unknown is not something to be afraid of. If you have to put yourself out there and take a chance, be brave and do it.
You all deserve a damn cruise! At the very least. Think about what we have been through and how we came out of it. Some would say I should be dead or behind bars. I do recognize they are right. And that is not only my own doing, but yours as well. All of you gals. All of you had something to do with it. Granted I have to give myself some credit in this too. I had to have the eyes to see it. I saw it.
If I could make all of your lives easy, I would. If I could send you all on cruise, just to say thank you... I would.
So do send Aunt Bob money, give Aunt Verna your love and give yourself all the reasons you need to succeed. You spent too long taking care of other people. It is your turn. Pat will do her thing and like I said, she has been with you in many chapters of your book. Maybe it is her time to not be in the next chapter. Tho that does not mean she will not make a triumphant return in the chapter after that.
Love you always,
Your Sun
_______________________________________
This is my mother reply. I almost cried.
_______________________________________
Yes my dear Sun, you have the wisdom of a man and I am very proud of you and always have been, and will always love you no matter what and will always be with you, you are my child and you will be a great person in your own rights and people are going to know who you are, just wait, and you will see.
You will be blessed with good health wealth and prosperity, trust your old mom she knows what she is talking about. And never forget your little sister she loves you too.
Love Mom
_____________________________________
What she says in it may not be that special. But to know that your parent is proud of you. To know that she has noticed. That she does care. That I have not somehow disappointed her was overwhelming.
I am an out and proud gay man. Make no mistake. But sometimes I feel bad about it. Not so much about being gay, more about not giving her what I know she wanted. She wanted to be a grandmother by now. She wanted her only son to be the one to give her that first grandchild. She wanted to feel that joy of a baby again. My sister is rather young, 24, and is not so into having a kid just yet. I don't blame her, she has more life to live yet.
If anything, I always felt that I disappointed my mother somehow... irrational I know. She is a bit Archie Bunker-ish in her speaking, but much like Archie she is not really racist or homophobic but more a product of her era. She loves Mike, thinks he is a good - albeit small - guy. She has never seen me so happy to hear her say it. But she is a rock in my life.
So I am saying it not only to you mom but to the world in this blog. I love you. I am a better man because of you.
I spoke about losing my most cherished of the aunts without her knowing how I truly felt. This devastated me. I was a troubled child that gave her a lot of grief for nothing. All she ever did was love me. She even saved my ass from a ew well deserved spankings. She lived with us and worked as a nurses aid. Our Christmas' were always great. See she had no kids of her own and my sister and myself were those children she never had. Even as I sit here and remember some of the horrible things I had said to her out of childish anger as a child I tear up.
I know it was trivial. I was a child. Who holds a child accountable for childish shit right? I know she didn't. But what meant more to me was that I never said I was sorry. I never apologized to her for it. I wanted to, so many times I wanted to. But I never did.
Anyone who knows me knows that you do not call me after 10pm nor during my shows. But she was the only one who could get away with it. Given her schedule, late nights was like her 6pm. So she would come home and like clockwork would call me at 12am and we would talk for hours. I didn't care. I loved her and she loved me. It got to the point that I would just stay awake because I knew she'd be calling. After she died it took about a year before I could fall asleep before 12am. Even now, I have a hard time some nights sleeping before 12am.
So I am saying it here, for the world to see. I love you Aunt Pat (not to be confused with my mothers best friend pat). I love you and I am sorry. I am sorry I never made sure you knew I loved you by saying it. I am sorry I never told you how much I missed you when you moved out. I am sorry I never told you how much I missed you when I moved to NYC. I am sorry I never told you I was sorry for the things I said and did as a child. I am sorry. You were my other mother and losing you was the hardest thing to ever endure. I miss you and I love you.
To Michael... what can I say. 10 years. 10 years of ups and downs, a few roundabouts and more than our fair share of fights. We have been through a lot together. We had gone from rags to riches back to rags and once again working oursleves back up. Despite all of this, we are still together and still in love. I know I have said it before, but I love you. I appreciate you. Sometimes it may seem like I don't, I am a moody son of a bitch. But I do, waking up in the morning next to you gives me no greater pleasure to compare it to. It stands above the others. No matter what mistakes I make or you make... I love you.
I guess the moral of this blog is to tell them. Tell the ones in your life that made you who you are. Tell those who you have fallen in love with. Tell them that you love them. You could put it off for a day, a week, a month, or even an hour and lose the chance to ever say it. So say it!
I love you.
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