A Visit to Jersey...

So I am on vacation. Spending some time with my family down in New Jersey. Plan is to see my father today. The man apparently is dying. He has Sorosis of the Liver or something like that. I am just a computer tech, I don't know much about fixing a human. But I will see him today. See how he is doing. I barely know him so I don't rightly know how I feel about this news. Should I feel sad? Angry? Lost? I don't know. I felt all of those things a long time ago in regards to him. Once I gave up on him I had no need for those feelings towards him anymore. He is but a stranger to me.

I have to see my aunt as well. It is a sad thing. Her own children are killing her slowly. Two of them refuse to become adults. They feed off of her daily. contributing nothing, having her care for their children and then have the balls to behave as if the world owes them something. As if my sister and I had some unfair advantage. In a way we did I guess. Discipline. We are by no means perfect children. But we turned out to be children that my mother can be proud of. Children that she does not have to worry about. Children that are not killing her slowly but egging her to live on. She wants to see how far our story can go before she is gone.

I have these horrid mood swings. Recently I have been in my "feeling like a plague" phase. Like everything I have touched in the last 13years of my life have done nothing but turn to shit. Every attempt at good I make, folds in on itself. As if I am cursed to never be able to make my own way. Every effort is faced with serious opposition. As if there is something that wants me to fail, fall or stumble. Like I have no choice but to constantly struggle. There is no rest for the wicked, I guess in my younger days I was rather wicked. Perhaps this is my penance.

I needed this break. If even a small break. I feel like a hero to my family. Like I have actually done well. They make me forget all the bullshit I have become clouded with. They force me to empty my cup. Life, love, money... none of it matters when I am making them laugh or making them remember. None of it matters when I realize that I have not done too badly. That in one years time I have both torn my life down and have almost fully rebuilt it. I am leaps and bounds ahead of where most others would have been in the course of one year. Visiting my family is giving me that reason to do better. To finish this story. To reach my own potential of which I have barely even scratched the surface of.

Someone said to me, "I thought you were different. But yer just like everyone else. I forgot you were just human.". Well... I realize something else. I am different. I am not like everyone else. But I am still, just human. In that, there is something amazing. I have beaten the odds, without a stacked deck. I am different indeed. My family only reflects it.

I may have only been here a day, but I am ready to return to my life. A life that I am finishing the rebuilding of. A life that I can live on my own, with no one. A life that I can share, with anyone. Realizing the ultimate truth. This would be year 4 of my personal discovery, as I have written about before. The closer I get to understanding it the farther away from it I am. Or am I?

- D

A Most Stressful and Odd Week...

Talk about an odd and stressful week. I mean I find out last weekend that I have to find a new place to live. Long story. Then I seem to be slowing down at work but maintaining my numbers, for the love of God. Then I meet my Ex's... ex... Yes, you heard me. I had to live with this spectre of my Ex's first love hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles for the past ten years. Hell this has been a weird last 2 weeks really. I mean I had my first 3 way in over a decade, and it was HOT! Now this Ex's ex thing.

Well I think the even weirder part is that I didn't just meet my Ex's ex. I also kissed him. Talk about surreal. In talking to him further I came to realize that to him, Michael was 10 years ago. That those feelings don't exist for him. For me it's only be close to a year. It's still fresh.

We exchanged numbers, shared our similarly twisted and odd sense of humors... I mean... eerie.

So I am back on the hunt for an apartment or roommates. I am on my way now to check something out in Dorchester. I don't really know what else to say. I mean I just can't seem to get it all together in my head to talk about. So I am just giving you guys what has happened.

Oh I left out that there is a guy I like, but I don't date. So its even stranger.

Whatever...

- Daemian

Perhaps Acceptance...

Been going through some odd feelings lately. I have been coming to grips with the fact that I would have welcomed not being single, I would have gladly taken a new partner, though I was not ready for it. My decision would have been hasty even. I know, I know... didn't Jaeryd try to tell me that? Of course he did. I would have even done well in a relationship being not ready, it's just part of who I am. I am good at the things I do.

But, now... I don't know so much. I am coming to grips with being single. Slowed down the whole being slutty thing has put a lot into perspective. I don't know nor truly understand what it is just yet. But I do know I am enjoying the new found freedom. Don't even know if I particularly want a partner right now. Oh my god... did I really just say that? Perhaps it's just my strangely manic mode? Perhaps acceptance has really set in?

I have gone on a few dates, trying to find that "Mike" replacement, only to find none of us are really replaceable.. Would I really want to "replace" him anyway? Shouldn't I be looking for something or someone different? Well I have pretty much stopped looking, stopped dating, stopped being desperate. Don't get me wrong, I will still look at every hot guy like he was a piece of meat... but hey I don't have to go there in reality ya know. I also know I don't want to relive all of the mistakes I made along the way.

I don't really know what this all means. I don't, I mean this is a first for me in terms of life experiences. So I don't know what to expect or what to do. But I do know this... now that I am not really looking for a relationship.. watch someone tries to toss one on me. LOL. Go fig.

Well, enough of this weird, woke up from a dead sleep with an inkling to blog rambling. Talk to yas later.

- Daemian

Time Won't Give Me Time...

Wooh!!! It has been one wild ride so far. As you guys may have noticed I haven't posted in a while. Well, truth be told, I just don't have the damn time. LOL.

I love my job and if I didn't I would say to hell with this commute. My commute currently adds between 4 - 6 hours to my work day. So I am up and out of the house by 6am and don't get home til about 12/1am. Yeah.

So news in the pipe is that I am moving. Yes moving. Moving closer to work. I mean I don't even have time to entertain the idea of having a beer, or dinner or a frikkin date. So in the interest of salvaging my social life and making my working life just so much easier, yes I am moving. Plans are to move during the month of June. I am looking in the Somerville area right now as it really is not that far away... easily commuted on the T or Taxi-cab-able for those nights I decide to hang out past 12. 

So far tho, the job is fantastic! I hit the ground running and it is amazing. So many people there think I came from some other Apple store given my performance and I am just like, " Nope never worked as a Mac Genius before.", LOL. It is interesting the feeling you get from helping people. This job certainly feeds my hero complex nicely. 

In the dark reaches, that time in which I simply come home and rest to prepare for my next day, I find myself thinking. I find myself reminiscing of time gone by. Thinking about how happy I was. Thinking about how that happiness faded. Thinking about the how and why of things. Being grateful to have known love. Being angry to have lost it. Thinking about time I had, time I have lost and the new happiness standing in front of me.

I love my job, I am learning to love myself, I am learning to live by myself, for myself. But still I do find that every now and then... I miss time gone by. I miss Mike, in that time as I am drifting off to sleep exhausted from the days work... I find myself wondering what he is doing. I miss my old life, the security in familiarity. But I have to remind myself that I must regret nothing. That I must move forward. I always have moved forward. Unafraid of what is waiting. I am hoping and praying that I can find happiness in myself instead of in others. I am hoping that once I find that happiness that the true happiness I had known before it was my time to know it returns. It is funny how time makes points and those points connect to a final destination unknown. Unknown to me but known infinitely to time. I don't regret the 10 years time that I gave up. I don't regret having lived those ten years. I find myself less angry with Mike. I find myself more forgiving of him and in some strange way I find I am more forgiving of myself. Perhaps thats it. Perhaps I am to learn to forgive myself. Only time will tell... if I can indeed find time.

I miss the time I had to spend with my friends, most of all I miss Jeremy. He has been all too kind to me and has not forsaken me for his own time. In due time he and I shall have more time. It's like finding your brother and having to leave him all too soon. I know I will miss him a lot when I move. I am sure he will miss me too. Tho I am not going to another state, I am moving far enough away that he will not be able to just 'drop by' to chit chat.

 

In due time I will have more time, but for now I must sacrifice time for happiness.  

My only issue is time. Time won't give me time.

- D

A Moment of Clarity...

Then I had a moment of clarity. I don't know why, but in Zen it happens a lot. You get a glimpse of enlightenment and then for a split second things become clear. You see a lot, including yourself, clearly.

Met a few good guys. Met some not so good guys. Met some guys that made me stop and think. Met some guys that helped boost the good ol' ego even.

Also came to realize that I will be turning 29 in June. I spent the past 10yrs in a relationship and never really got the chance to be 20-something. I realistically only have 1 year left to be 20-something, so to hell with trying to find another relationship to be in. As much as I want one, I also want to be 20-something. If Mr. Right comes along then hooray for me and if he doesn't... more time to have fun without having to answer to anyone but myself.

So I am searching... for friends. People to hang out with, to laugh with, to complain about men with, to talk about Project Runway with (part of my gay lessons, apparently I am still not gay enough), to play silly card games with, to invite me to parties. I am looking for friends. So, while I rebuild my life from the ground up, I want to find friends not distractions.

Yes I work as a bouncer to make ends meet while I am rebuilding my life, but I am actively looking for work in the Boston area (easy travel from Worcester being that I don't have a car) as a Graphic Designer or IT Professional. So I may find myself in Boston a lot.

So if you don't mind being my friend... my REAL friend dammit, hit me up. If you are already my friend, I love you more than you know.

That doesn't mean I am not up for some fun along the way of course. Hell part of what I missed about my 20s was sowing my wild oats and being slutty. But safely slutty. Rubbers are the way my children, this whole "barebacking on the rise" thing scares me. So bag it before you tag it. Remember it's not that I don't want a man... I do, but enough worrying about it. I may as well have fun while I am still single and 20-something.

-Daemian

May You Live In Interesting Times.

Ok... I am a little stoned, courtesy of D-Baby... girl I love you, so this post may get a tad random. So be warned. It is also a very, VERY personal post. I am glad to be able to share it. I don't think I have on my blog before.

Someone once told me of an old Chinese curse. May you live in interesting times. On the surface that doesn't all too bad. Who wouldn't want to live an interesting life? It is our optimism that downplays this curse. But the curse is two fold and contradictory. You see, interesting times as it was thought of in the curse is something akin to those who survived the events of 9/11. It was a tremendous tragedy. I was supposed to be there that day. If I were, I would surely be dead. If I had to witness it and survive it, regardless of the great loss it is none the less interesting. So in essence the curse is one that will have bad events happen to you... constantly. With no balance, you know... the good times and the bad.

But here in lies the contradiction. 9/11 is an extreme example. But lets tone it down and make it more interesting. Say that you are one that is cursed. Even though the events that occur are not pleasant, you do come out of it alive and the events themselves may be spectacular... even in their horror. But you survived every single one. So not only have you lived an interesting life, the content of your character and your inner strength can grow 10 fold.

So is it really a curse after all? You can argue yes, the events are tragic and no one should be subject to such things. You can argue no. That which does not kill you makes you stronger and you should be so blessed to really have your character and inner strength tested in such a way to inspire a dramatic breakthrough. A break through that some people wait their entire lives for and never achieve, not even at their moment of expiration.

Why the fuck am I talking about an old Chinese curse?

I have been thinking about the events of my life on a whole. I have had to endure some of the most horrible things imaginable by most who have not had to deal with such things. From the moment of birth my life has been interesting. I came into this world in an interesting way. Not everything in my life has been interesting in a negative way. I think I must be carrying the curse over from a past life. Hokey I know, but also remember I am a Buddhist. Reincarnation and Karma are not strangers to me. I also think I must have gained some fantastic inner strength and the gift of luck from that past. I always manage to come out ok and in a better position.

Take my birth for instance. It was very interesting. Interesting in that I almost killed myself and my mother during the delivery. Somehow, and they don't know how, I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. An emergency C section had to be performed as I was choking myself to death before the actual labor started. This also caused my mother to stop breathing and for a moment her heart stopped under the intensity of her blood pressure. But, I came out of it ok. I had tubes in my head and what not, my mothers recovery was long and difficult. But we came out of it... together. I think that is a key moment right there. That is where our relationship started. We came out of it together. She has never once really made me feel she was not proud of me. Nor not happy with me or not pleased that I was her son. She was always there. I had the strength given to me the moment we came out of it ok to fight. Inner Strength is the first gift I was given to combat the curse.

Fast forward a couple of years. Mom is not with dad. Dad denies I exist. My world is both rocked and calmed by the birth of my sister. An alcoholic threatens to destroy all that was me.
On the surface, once again these events sound not so great but one. A big one is dad not being there. My mother can raise me but she cannot show me how to be a man. That is something I think all boys need. Boys need to have a father. This tore me apart. The man who helped make me did not want to acknowledge I existed. Imagine that for one moment. What would knowing who your father is. Where your father is. Knowing you have other siblings out there... and having him not acknowledge you exist. Never come over, no happy birthday cards, no Christmas cards no help buying your first car, no father to son birds and the bees talk, no one to show you how to defend yourself, no one to throw a ball with, no father to see you play football or rugby or hockey. Yeah, that really can destroy your sense of self. Your sense of who you are and where you came from. But I survived. Not only did I survive, I beat the odds and turned out better than the children he claimd. How is that possible? Definitely an interest plot so far, even though it is tragic. This is only one background factor to a sum. I came out of it, during that time I learned that not only had I a gift of inner strength... I realized my gift of intellect. That intellect let me turn the situation around. Turn a negative into a positive. I knew that I was going to show him one day. I am going to be smarter than his others. I am going to play sports better than his others, I was going to treat my women (yes you heard me) better than his others. Tragic, interesting and contradictory.

The alcoholic was a HUGE piece of the interesting times I have been living. My mother fell in love.. with an alcoholic. Allen Brown. This man was someone who when sober was great. He was funny, he loved RC Cars he had a great voice. He could have been or done anything he wanted to do. But he had a higher power to answer to. That was booze. Now the key words here are "when he was sober". Problem is, he was never sober. When he was drunk he was a nasty, disgusting, verbally abusiv and violent drunk. The violence inflicted upon my mother and myself scarred me. My inner strength had failed me.... or so I thought.The wound that is now a scar took a lot of doing to heal. In fact the wound threatened my life. My sister was luckily not harmed in any of this except in the fact that she had to bear witness. You see sometimes a straw really can break a camels back and I broke. I was broken for a very long time. I had all of this pent up emotional shit. I was not always so open. I had withdrawn into myself. All I felt was cold and hate. I hated him and was too small for so long to be able to do anything about it. This made me act out in increasingly more hostile ways. My pet peeve was a bully. I would take on any bully that had the audacity to pick on someone smaller. I was constantly fighting until I became a bully myself. One slight twoards me meant a punch in the nose... then a broken nose. The worst I have ever done to someone was break their arm using my car door because he kicked my car. I was out of control. After going through an anger management program I learned to control my anger but I never saw the point. I was unhappy and there was no point to not harming myself. So I did. I emotionally scarred myself. I was sleeping with a lot of different guys (I always used protection... I wasn't that damn nuts) which only made me feel bad. I was out there just being a complete ass. Once I saw the abuse I put myself through my gift of inner strength sparked back into action. I began to use my intellect again. I began to change my life. Though it was a struggle... one more infraction and I was sure to either be in jail or dead at the age of 18. Interesting times indeed.

I had a light at the end of the tunnel. I met someone. The same someone whom I had to let go. His virtue is that he showed me that it was possible to be happy. My gift of luck was starting to shine through. Because it was sheer dumb luck that we met. He made me feel it was ok to let someone get close to me. That I was not going to be hurt. With a little love my wounds healed. I curbed my behavior... I had a reason to. My life got better. I built an entirely new life from scratch. One in which I loved and lived and provided for. Life can be great. But then we get complacent and forget the struggles we had to endure to get to where we are. We become smug basking in the opulence that life can be. I was no longer bound for jail or death. I was no longer feeling the need to be violent. I learned to control it. My inner strength shown through. It enabled me to learn self control. To let my feelings out. It changed who I was. I once again came out of it ok. Better than I was before.

But all things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever. He and I ended. What seem like a great tragedy is so far the biggest gift. We ended but I am ok. Not just ok... 10 yrs of life altering time. I am not the same person I Was before. I am so much better with so much more to offer. I finally feel good enough. I am starting from scratch, but guess what.... I have done it before I know I can do it again. I feel damn good about that. I know I am strong enough and good enough and loving enough. I am in love with me!

So is it really a curse to have to live in interesting times? If I had to give an honest answer I would say. No it is not a curse, it is the most difficult of blessings. So whoever cursed me in a past life, I thank you. It is at this moment, I feel my upcoming interesting times are going to be positive. I think I used up all the negative.

Thanks for reading this long ass post.

- Daemian

I Have Come!

So I have come to Worcester. The drive up here was actually very speedy. I think we were only on the road for about 2 - 3 hours. 3 hours is pushing it even. The new roommates are pretty cool.

Joe is a tall one, sorta reminds me of Mike in his manner of speaking. It's odd that my straight male roommate reminds me of my ex.

Ash is a total sweetheart. Pierced and all... and damn is she tall. She and I are going to have a fucking ball. I think I am in for a wild ride with this gal. She reminds me of Brianne. Very out going and vibrant.

My room is a sickly blue color... that has to change. Apparently I know people in home decor. I didn't even know I knew people in home decor. But I was filled in last night, totally had to pretend like I knew the entire time tho. I didn't want to get another "Bad Homo!". But... now don't tell anyone this... whenever I hear Home Depot or Lowes my mind immediately goes to wood. Get your head out of the gutter bitches... I mean lumber. I am used to going to places like that to get stuff to build shit with. Not really familiar with their home decor section. I know, I know... "Bad Homo!". I have a lot to learn I see. But that being said... I have got to paint that damn room. Maroon, maybe a nice rich baige and brown? I don't know but that Blue color has got to go. Oooh maybe a nice cherry wood color or deep walnut.

I bought a bed last night, I will post a picture of it when it arrives on Saturday. It looks pretty sweet too. I had originally wanted the Camelot metal bed, but Jaeryd felt it was kind of... well... femme. This is why I love shopping with Jaeryd. I have no sense of balance. I either get wayyy too femme or waayyy too masculine items. Never that balance that is gay. Well Jaeryd picked out one hell of a bed that was actually $50 less than my first choice. It is very masculine with a very soft feel and made of metal. It felt VERY sturdy and I had to let Jaeryd know... I need a sturdy bed. The reasons why I would hope are obvious. But if they are not, regardless of the role I am playing ( be it dom top or sub top) I like passionate, voracious, fairly kinky.... you know... the S_ _ word. :P (note: I am not really a prude, I just thought it was funny)

Spent more money on it than I had originally intended. I planned on spending no more than $550 for the frame, headboard, footboard and the mattress set. Instead I ended up spending $632. $82 over my intent. To top it all off... Linen n Things. $68 spent there on 2 pillows and a sheet set. No blanket. I should have bought a cheap ass blanket from the cheapo store in Astoria before I left. I still need a desk. I think I may have found an OK desk on craigs list for about $100. If I get lucky I might be able to find a cheaper one. I don't need anything too intense. Maybe another trip to Ikea is in order.

Went to Blu last night. Filled out the application n shit. Had 3 drinks. It was pretty dead there as we were early. Didn't stay long, Jaeryd had to work and I was sorta feeling like I just wanted to acclimate to my new home. With any luck I will hear from them tonight. If I do.. woohoo!

On to Mike. He sent me an email at about 2am. I was already asleep, sort of so I did not see it until I unearthed my laptop this morning. He says the apartment feels hollow without me there. That he still loves me and hopes I come home. I don't know how to feel about this. Being taken for granted for so long. Being sexually and emotionally starved for so long. Having him take a swing at me and miss (in a sense, not the violence but the act that lost my trust in him). We both need to grow up and I know that if I turned back now... it would just be more of the same. I need more than that. I need emotional support. I need sexual gratification. I need more than he has ever given me. I am not leaving it out of the question that he and I may some day he and I will get back together. If we are both single and have made the changes in ourselves we needed to make... sure. But we do not know what tomorrow brings. I know I am a damn good catch with a damn good amount to offer outside of my bangin' dingaling and not too hard on the eyes either. So who knows, someone who is a better fit for me may come along and snatch me right up. He'd be a fool not to. I am not perfect. Far from it. But I know I am a good, honorable, cute, long and strong man.

Mike is trying to get laid as soon as possible. I don't know if that is good for him or not. Truth be told I had 6 months of torment regarding what ultimately ended in Nov. I have had one month to get out all of my tears. I am ok with this now. My only concern for him is his mind and his wellbeing. I don't know if I feel jealous. I don't think I do.

So Worcester, MA... I have arrived!

-Daemian

New Beginnings!

I am moving my blog over from Livejournal to blogspot. It seems Blogger is winning the blog wars and livejournal is not as "live" as it used to be. I will move over just a few of my blogs from the old site, redesign this tired blogger template and get my mind out there.

As some of you may know, from my old blog, I have been documenting my body for life progress. Well it is becoming a bit more complicated. I have been cheating and using the express line at NYSC. Work's been clobbering me, but at least I haven't stopped completely. I have lost a good chunk of return of fat (I had a dramatic weight loss ten years ago and had gained a good chunk of it back) and have been building a ton more muscle. Not sure if I will continue the Body For Life thing. It gets expensive eating 6 times a day. But we shall see.

I am looking to focus less on myself and more on the issues I feel strongly about these days. Which is still a bit self centered, but at least it's about something other than me.

We shall see how this Blogger community turns out.

Thanks for having me guys!









- D