A Most Stressful and Odd Week...

Talk about an odd and stressful week. I mean I find out last weekend that I have to find a new place to live. Long story. Then I seem to be slowing down at work but maintaining my numbers, for the love of God. Then I meet my Ex's... ex... Yes, you heard me. I had to live with this spectre of my Ex's first love hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles for the past ten years. Hell this has been a weird last 2 weeks really. I mean I had my first 3 way in over a decade, and it was HOT! Now this Ex's ex thing.

Well I think the even weirder part is that I didn't just meet my Ex's ex. I also kissed him. Talk about surreal. In talking to him further I came to realize that to him, Michael was 10 years ago. That those feelings don't exist for him. For me it's only be close to a year. It's still fresh.

We exchanged numbers, shared our similarly twisted and odd sense of humors... I mean... eerie.

So I am back on the hunt for an apartment or roommates. I am on my way now to check something out in Dorchester. I don't really know what else to say. I mean I just can't seem to get it all together in my head to talk about. So I am just giving you guys what has happened.

Oh I left out that there is a guy I like, but I don't date. So its even stranger.

Whatever...

- Daemian

There Is No Spoon...

I have had an interesting couple of days recently. I don't quite know where to begin as I sit here listening to the islanders have a wild party next door... full on with hootin' and hollarin'.

Perhaps I will start with my trip to Paradise. So last weekend, pay day, I decided I needed to discover a new place to hang out and take in the Gay Boston Nightlife. Of course I Was thoroughly warned by a coworker that it was a "sketchy" place. OMG... porn on the TV's it smelled funny and there were shady characters everywhere. MAD SKETCHY!!

A customer at work, a fellow top, had met me there at Paradise and we hung out a bit. I found out that the downstairs area tries to get you as drunk as possible. I asked for a rum and coke and what I got was a plastic cup that was rum with a hint of coke. 3 of those and I was done. There was a cute guy or two there... but as usual I was ignored. So I sat and watched the game of cat and mouse the boys played with each other that went absolutely nowhere. It was a waste of their time essentially. They'd spot each other from across the room, sweat wold bead up on their brow. They'd look at each other, then look away. One would be appearing to be making a move. I was on the edge of my seat. Is he finally gonna just take the guy, bend him over the bar and fuck him for all of us to see? Is he going to at least buy the guy a drink? He moves closer, they look at each other... hoping and praying to finally say a word. And then... nothing... the guy walks right by him to the bar, buys a drink, they look at each other again and with drink in hand... the guy walks back to the other side of the bar, and continues his creepy staring match. What a let down. Seems boys in Boston need to grow the fuck up and leave this puritan, repressed dharmic bullshit behind.

I stay til closing, chit chatting and continuing my watch of the failed games these boys are playing. The bar closes and I catch a cab. The cab driver then gets lost and given I was rather intoxicated, I didn't have the strength to fight the bill. I get into my room, turn on my computer log into bear411 and manhunt only to find a billion fucking messages. All of which said essentially the same shit. "OMG, where you out at Paradise tonight? You are so hot!"... well given this was the email everyone seems to have copied and pasted from each other to send, I in turn send a cut and paste email. It stated, "Yes I was at PAradise tonight. Next time grow a pair and say something to me... I'm actually pretty easy.".

I mean really.... boys are silly. The fact that I don't want to date only seems to be attracting more of these fools.

I spend the rest of my weekend going out and paying bills etc. This figures in heavily to what happens on Monday.

So... Monday comes around and I was supposed to buy a ticket to get to NYC for a few days. I check my bank account to ensure the checks I wrote cleared, as I got paid the previous Friday. Apparently Bank of America is full of idiots. Essentially... they fucked up the direct deposit somehow. So the money was there and available for the taking... but wasn't technically "take-able". So the checks cleared, the ATM withdrawals cleared (I don't carry cash.. it's a NYC avoid the bums thing) went through just fine. But when I checked my bank account.. 736 dolllars is missing. OVER DRAFTS!!!!!!

Every check that cleared incurred 35 dollars and every single ATM transaction incurred 35 dollars. Well this added up to be quite a bit + the amount of money actually taken out. I wish I could afford to have blown money on whores and booze. I'd at least have herpes to show for it. So I spent all of my Monday cursing out Bank of America and having them admit they made a mistake. I won't see my money for 14 days. I told them I was getting a lawyer and closing my account after I get my money back. This is the last time they screw me. I have 2 dollars in the bank as of right now. This is not the first time it has happened and apparently they screwed up the direct deposit of everyone I work with that has a bank of america account. I am so over this shit.

Of course, the fellow I was supposed to meet in NYC is pissed at me because I couldn't show up and refused to accept his offer to pay.

So Tuesday comes and I meet what I think to be a Kindred Spirit. He is 28yo and also just ended a 10yr relationship. Somehow my Hero Complex kicks in. I know what he is going through, as I was just there not too long ago. I am still healing from it, it would be nice to have a friend I could heal with. He is quite a cute one. We meet up in Back Bay and head over to Lir for a drink. Well we had this weird Raspberry and Pomegranate beer. It was interesting... didn't taste like beer. Then head back to my place. The entire time I am thinking about how cute this guy is. We will call him D. D has the cutest lil belly.. nice fur, baby face, a nice shape to his ass and is also a geek. What a find! Brains actually are a huge turn on. We hop the train to Forest Hills and the hop the bus. Talk about awkward. Trains are one thing but to bring someone you are going to fuck to your place via the bus.... feels sorta cheap. But remember... BoA screwed me and I had no cash for a cab. Anywho.. we get back to my place, sit out on the front porch and he pulls out a phatty. OMG and he smokes pot. Too bad I am not looking to date and he is fresh out of a relationship. Much like myself.. he needs to play the field a bit and not think about dating.

We get stoned and have a few laughs. I inform my roommate that I have a buddy over. We head to my room where we chat and laugh some more. I can't believe I actually dig this guy. If anything I totally want to be his friend. But I have to fuck him first. We lay down and chat some more... he heads to the bathroom and comes back and climbs on me then to my side. He looks at me, tells me he thinks I am cute. He leans in and I can tell he is hesitant, but I come up to kiss him. It is too soon to kiss for him, I can tell. But I am a kisser, its what I do.

I don't know how it happened but we were soon naked. It just happened that way... damn pot, he is suckin on my cock and I am fingering his hole and giving it a good munching. I never really liked doing that, but I know he cleaned out and I just sort of went for it. The more I fingered and licked the more feverishly he sucked. He lets out an "Oh!", this one is a noisy one. I like that. I then climbs to face me, I want to kiss him, but I know he is not there. I plunges himself on my cock and lets out a sigh. He tell me it is deep and begins to bounce up and down on my cock like a boy who knows what he wants and is not afraid to take it. A power bottom I see. He takes my pounding in a myriad of positions. On his back where I use all of my weight to plunge balls deep into him, on his side where I can just pound and pound and watch him bounce around like a rag doll on my cock. BEnt over.. he lays his torso down and keeps his ass high. Fucking this guy is fun. He knows that I won't cum until I am told to and he just keeps on taking it.

I don't know how long we go for, I don't even remember when he told me to cum. I do remember hearing him moan and get loud. Just hearing him almost made me blow my load a few times. I do know he told me to cum and I began to fuck faster and hard.. I explode in the condom and we lay there. He can only say one word for a few minutes... "Amazing"... followed with you can cum on command... amazing. LOL

I am flattered. I slept the sleep of the dead that night. I was hoping to wake up in the middle of the night and play a bit more, but I was in a deep sleep. Tho he could have pretty much raped me in my sleep and I would have been ok with it.

I walk him to the train station the next morning. It's right around the corner from my place. I like D. I like D alot. I want to be his friend. I want to go through this thing with him. I feel that we can help each other grow. I want to be his hero as I am for all of my friends. Friends with benefits is fine with me.

I am meeting him at the Alley tonight. Beers on him. He is totally welcome to crash with me as he WILL miss his train home. I expect to run into a few guys tonight. Who knows.. maybe he'll get lucky... maybe I will...

Wow... another post gone sexy!

I am still not looking to date anyone. Still hoping to find a hottie to fuck on the regular. We shall see how that goes. I have taken to using men and only the good ones will make it to my friends list. Otherwise, fuck em. ;) I am going to stop trying to bend the spoon and instead realize the truth... there is no spoon.


- Daemian

May You Live In Interesting Times.

Ok... I am a little stoned, courtesy of D-Baby... girl I love you, so this post may get a tad random. So be warned. It is also a very, VERY personal post. I am glad to be able to share it. I don't think I have on my blog before.

Someone once told me of an old Chinese curse. May you live in interesting times. On the surface that doesn't all too bad. Who wouldn't want to live an interesting life? It is our optimism that downplays this curse. But the curse is two fold and contradictory. You see, interesting times as it was thought of in the curse is something akin to those who survived the events of 9/11. It was a tremendous tragedy. I was supposed to be there that day. If I were, I would surely be dead. If I had to witness it and survive it, regardless of the great loss it is none the less interesting. So in essence the curse is one that will have bad events happen to you... constantly. With no balance, you know... the good times and the bad.

But here in lies the contradiction. 9/11 is an extreme example. But lets tone it down and make it more interesting. Say that you are one that is cursed. Even though the events that occur are not pleasant, you do come out of it alive and the events themselves may be spectacular... even in their horror. But you survived every single one. So not only have you lived an interesting life, the content of your character and your inner strength can grow 10 fold.

So is it really a curse after all? You can argue yes, the events are tragic and no one should be subject to such things. You can argue no. That which does not kill you makes you stronger and you should be so blessed to really have your character and inner strength tested in such a way to inspire a dramatic breakthrough. A break through that some people wait their entire lives for and never achieve, not even at their moment of expiration.

Why the fuck am I talking about an old Chinese curse?

I have been thinking about the events of my life on a whole. I have had to endure some of the most horrible things imaginable by most who have not had to deal with such things. From the moment of birth my life has been interesting. I came into this world in an interesting way. Not everything in my life has been interesting in a negative way. I think I must be carrying the curse over from a past life. Hokey I know, but also remember I am a Buddhist. Reincarnation and Karma are not strangers to me. I also think I must have gained some fantastic inner strength and the gift of luck from that past. I always manage to come out ok and in a better position.

Take my birth for instance. It was very interesting. Interesting in that I almost killed myself and my mother during the delivery. Somehow, and they don't know how, I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. An emergency C section had to be performed as I was choking myself to death before the actual labor started. This also caused my mother to stop breathing and for a moment her heart stopped under the intensity of her blood pressure. But, I came out of it ok. I had tubes in my head and what not, my mothers recovery was long and difficult. But we came out of it... together. I think that is a key moment right there. That is where our relationship started. We came out of it together. She has never once really made me feel she was not proud of me. Nor not happy with me or not pleased that I was her son. She was always there. I had the strength given to me the moment we came out of it ok to fight. Inner Strength is the first gift I was given to combat the curse.

Fast forward a couple of years. Mom is not with dad. Dad denies I exist. My world is both rocked and calmed by the birth of my sister. An alcoholic threatens to destroy all that was me.
On the surface, once again these events sound not so great but one. A big one is dad not being there. My mother can raise me but she cannot show me how to be a man. That is something I think all boys need. Boys need to have a father. This tore me apart. The man who helped make me did not want to acknowledge I existed. Imagine that for one moment. What would knowing who your father is. Where your father is. Knowing you have other siblings out there... and having him not acknowledge you exist. Never come over, no happy birthday cards, no Christmas cards no help buying your first car, no father to son birds and the bees talk, no one to show you how to defend yourself, no one to throw a ball with, no father to see you play football or rugby or hockey. Yeah, that really can destroy your sense of self. Your sense of who you are and where you came from. But I survived. Not only did I survive, I beat the odds and turned out better than the children he claimd. How is that possible? Definitely an interest plot so far, even though it is tragic. This is only one background factor to a sum. I came out of it, during that time I learned that not only had I a gift of inner strength... I realized my gift of intellect. That intellect let me turn the situation around. Turn a negative into a positive. I knew that I was going to show him one day. I am going to be smarter than his others. I am going to play sports better than his others, I was going to treat my women (yes you heard me) better than his others. Tragic, interesting and contradictory.

The alcoholic was a HUGE piece of the interesting times I have been living. My mother fell in love.. with an alcoholic. Allen Brown. This man was someone who when sober was great. He was funny, he loved RC Cars he had a great voice. He could have been or done anything he wanted to do. But he had a higher power to answer to. That was booze. Now the key words here are "when he was sober". Problem is, he was never sober. When he was drunk he was a nasty, disgusting, verbally abusiv and violent drunk. The violence inflicted upon my mother and myself scarred me. My inner strength had failed me.... or so I thought.The wound that is now a scar took a lot of doing to heal. In fact the wound threatened my life. My sister was luckily not harmed in any of this except in the fact that she had to bear witness. You see sometimes a straw really can break a camels back and I broke. I was broken for a very long time. I had all of this pent up emotional shit. I was not always so open. I had withdrawn into myself. All I felt was cold and hate. I hated him and was too small for so long to be able to do anything about it. This made me act out in increasingly more hostile ways. My pet peeve was a bully. I would take on any bully that had the audacity to pick on someone smaller. I was constantly fighting until I became a bully myself. One slight twoards me meant a punch in the nose... then a broken nose. The worst I have ever done to someone was break their arm using my car door because he kicked my car. I was out of control. After going through an anger management program I learned to control my anger but I never saw the point. I was unhappy and there was no point to not harming myself. So I did. I emotionally scarred myself. I was sleeping with a lot of different guys (I always used protection... I wasn't that damn nuts) which only made me feel bad. I was out there just being a complete ass. Once I saw the abuse I put myself through my gift of inner strength sparked back into action. I began to use my intellect again. I began to change my life. Though it was a struggle... one more infraction and I was sure to either be in jail or dead at the age of 18. Interesting times indeed.

I had a light at the end of the tunnel. I met someone. The same someone whom I had to let go. His virtue is that he showed me that it was possible to be happy. My gift of luck was starting to shine through. Because it was sheer dumb luck that we met. He made me feel it was ok to let someone get close to me. That I was not going to be hurt. With a little love my wounds healed. I curbed my behavior... I had a reason to. My life got better. I built an entirely new life from scratch. One in which I loved and lived and provided for. Life can be great. But then we get complacent and forget the struggles we had to endure to get to where we are. We become smug basking in the opulence that life can be. I was no longer bound for jail or death. I was no longer feeling the need to be violent. I learned to control it. My inner strength shown through. It enabled me to learn self control. To let my feelings out. It changed who I was. I once again came out of it ok. Better than I was before.

But all things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever. He and I ended. What seem like a great tragedy is so far the biggest gift. We ended but I am ok. Not just ok... 10 yrs of life altering time. I am not the same person I Was before. I am so much better with so much more to offer. I finally feel good enough. I am starting from scratch, but guess what.... I have done it before I know I can do it again. I feel damn good about that. I know I am strong enough and good enough and loving enough. I am in love with me!

So is it really a curse to have to live in interesting times? If I had to give an honest answer I would say. No it is not a curse, it is the most difficult of blessings. So whoever cursed me in a past life, I thank you. It is at this moment, I feel my upcoming interesting times are going to be positive. I think I used up all the negative.

Thanks for reading this long ass post.

- Daemian

Lightning Strikes Yet Again!!

Is this really possible? I mean lightning never strikes the same place twice... right? Well I found something. Deep inside this whirlwind of creativity that this break up has broken the flood gates on... has solved my website problems.

I have been meaning to update my personal site. I couldn't come up with anything. Nada. All of my good ideas were used up at work. Well, thank the Muses because I have finally come up with it. It is kinda funny really. So I must give a little bit of background without giving too much away. That's right bitches... fags and their secrets!

I have what I like to call, drumroll please, a Hero Complex. What the fuck is a Hero Complex you ask? Simple, my definition of a Hero Complex is thus:

A person that is driven by the need to protect. Such persons tend to protect either emotionally, financially, inspirationally or physically. These people are what have been so called "Good Cops", "Motherly", "Good Soldier" or "Guard Dog". Each one of these types protect but in different ways.

Good Cops: These are the cops that do what is right regardless of the cost. These cops are cops for the right reasons. They want to protect and serve and tend to be good at their jobs with little recognition. Often well known on their patrol routes.

Motherly: These are those around us that nurture and protect us from life. They are often found giving sound advice and making sure the lamb they took in is well fed. They hold the home and only have the best interest of her chosen lambs in mind.

Good Soldier: These are the soldiers often identified as weekend patriotic. They jump into the fray with little regards for their own lives to disobey an order if it means doing what is right and not what they are told. This soldier is, to be frank, the one who saves the innocent village from his commanding officer; whom is torturing the people and cutting off their ears to wear as a necklace. This soldier feels a responsibility to freedom, regardless of his command.

Guard Dog: The Guard Dog is an interesting sort. The Guard Dog basically protects his master. At all costs. This type of person is often found protecting the smaller guy. They tend to defend those that cannot defend themselves. Vigilante in his watch this is the type of person you want in your home. He will keep watch and resume his guard. This type of Hero Complex tends to fall into the role of protecting physically. As unsavory as it sounds... the... ick... Guardian Angels (had to hold back my barf) are a group of people with a Guard Dog Type Hero Complex.


Where does that leave me? I am a Guard Dog type. I hate to see people getting picked on. Given my size I never really get messed with and the assault tends to end quickly or does not occur once I get involved. If you are nice to me you get my protection. I will look out for you. If you help me in ways unmeasurable (being a good friend) you have my protection for life. And if I love you... I will always protect you first.

This is sort of why I wanted to be a police officer for a while when looking into plentiful jobs. I worked as security at a gay bar in NYC for a while. I even got involved when I saw some asshole trying to beat up a lesbian. Apparently he didn't like rejection. Well he didn't like my fist connecting with his nose either.

So... what does all this bullshit have to do with a website?

Everything!

I have my central theme and all I will tell you is that it is called....

Hero Complex


-Daemian

P.S. I am working on a new banner as a teaser. Woohoo!

Double Feature! Somtimes... take 3 & Food for Thought

Sometimes... take 3

Well, they say that the third time is a charm... and this time it was. I didn't get topped, but I did get taken. And how... wow... I didn't think my lil Keebler Husband could do it. But he did. He took charge and made me his top biotch and I loved every minute. It went from the floor to the bathroom and into the shower last night. I am shocked I can still walk.. hell I am shocked I was able to wake up on time and get to work. Sometimes the third time really is a charm!

Food for Thought

So for the past 6 months to a year Mike and I have been contemplating leaving NYC. I love this city, I really do... but after 11 years of living to work I'd say I have had enough. I will admit this, I have been looking for other places and states to live. This brings up a bit of bad mojo though. I am just starting my web business. I don't know if it will be a good idea to move the company in it's first few months in operation. That being said I dunno how to plan this. I am not a risk taker, just not in my makeup. But I can see that something a bit more calm is out there for us both.

This also ties into my fabulous weekend. While I was in MA I made many attempts to scope out the area. The houses are fantastic, condos in the 100 - 200k price range. The only thing I'd be object to are the Mass-holes. I mean I have to fix my license, get a car and then get my man a license. He is 41yo and never drove before, I'd fear for him everytime he left the house.

I don't know what the plan is but I do know I grow more and more anxious by the day. I am a tech and I make chump change in comparison to the cost of living. Mike is working which is a godsend but how long can we play this game? I am tired of making bundles for others and seeing little of it myself. So maybe I will find the city I wish to move to, rent a room, move with just my clothes and computer and build upon the web business. Have Mike stay in NYC to retain NYC residence for the company until I get the proper papers to setup shop in whatever state I decide to move to, get an apartment or a house and then have Mike come from NYC to our new residence. I don't know how he would take it though. I mean, leaving him in NYC for 1 maybe 2 months... that might be asking a bit much from him. Essentially it would be have him shack up with our friend Walter and continue to work while continuing to make deposits and get the company mail. After about 1 or 2 months when he has a huge amount saved have him come to whatever state we are moving to with a nice surplus of cash to sit on.

I don't know. It's too risky. What's life without a little risk tho? I never take a risk... maybe this time I should. What do you guys think? I mean MA was nice... lower cost of living than in Vermont (yes I was thinking of moving to Vermont)... I do have a friend in MA that I feel I could have as part of a support system. (Keep me from going absolutely insane). I am sure he'd probably scream if I told him I was moving to MA. I dunno what to do... I am so bad at risks, but I can see that a change is needed... badly. Then again my friend in MA is rumored to be moving out of MA... maybe I can get the web business jumping and hire him to get him to stay in MA.

What do you guys think?

Artwork... and finishing what I started!

During the massive cleanup and rearranging I found one of my sketchbooks. It's 3 years old and as I was looking through it I realized I found me next "finish what I started" project. If you read back you'll know that I have a problem finishing what I start. I get very far and then give up. It's a trait I am trying to successfully change. So for my next step... my art work. These are the sketches I was able to save. My scanner needs to be replaced... see that ugly yellow piss line down the middle of the artwork. The scanner put it there. But once I am done you won't know. So I will do a repost as I finish each picture. I'll show you the finished line art, the base colors and the highlights/shadows. Finish what you start.

click the images to see a larger version.

Shenanigans

Ok.. so I have thing for online quizzes. Shoot me. This one was interesting and I cannot believe the card I am. But if you read the description... yeah that's me.

Which Tarot Card Are You?

You are the Devil card. The Devil is based on the figure Pan, Lord of the Dance. The earthy physicality of the devil breeds lust. The devil's call to return to primal instincts often creates conflict in a society in which many of these instincts must be kept under control. Challenges posed by our physical bodies can be overcome by strength in the mental, emotional, and spiritual realms. Pan is also a symbol of enjoyment and rules our material creativity. The devil knows physical pleasure and how to manipulate the physical world. Material creativity finds its output in such things as dance, pottery, gardening, and sex. The self-actualized person is able to accept the sensuality and usefulness of the devil's gifts while remaining in control of any darker urges. Image from The Stone Tarot deck. http://hometown.aol.com/newtarotdeck/ Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Dumb Mini Post of the Week!

Every so often I will do a dumb mini post. Usually just highlighting something I thought was funny at the time it happened but probably won't be funny after about 10 minutes. Anywho... on with the show.

So this morning at work I had to fix some idiots mistake. Lets just say it involved... gasp... manual labor. While I was working on this 'problem-created-by-cromagnon-macho-ish-idiots', the manager walks into the back area and is impressed at the job.

(And then I finally got to use a Just Jack line. It had been at least 6 months since the opportunity arose to use such a line.)

Me: So... this is fun... fixing stuff... sanding things... workin' up a sweat. Makes me feel like a man. No, seriously, I'd like a man after we're done with this.

Manager: Riiiiggghhhttt.

Manager: Were you ever a carpenter or something? This looks fantastic!

Me: Been a Carpenter? No... Did a Carpenter? Yes...

Manager: Riiiiggghhhttt.

God I love messing with breeders.

A Theory, If You Will But Indulge Me...

I work in a predominately hetero field. Technology. This, as a paradigm, has conditioned me to answering questions about my sexuality. I am out every where. Don't get it twisted, I am not a faerie gleely prancing around with wings, a pair of wings, a rainbow flag and a pink triangle purse. Just isn't me, not to mention it's rather tacky. But I make it no secret. They want to talk about tits n chicks then I will talk about dicks n dudes. I won't tolerate it otherwise. I am also rather "Just Jack" about things.

That being said, I have devised a theory that actually seems to work on the more intelligent of the Breeders. I akin homosexuality in humans as natures means of population control.

Here is the theory,

Everything in nature has a checks and balances system. Most creatures have quite a few natural predators. These predators are essential to the balance of the ecosystem. Without them said creature will reproduce unchecked. For example, you take away all the cats in a place and the place will most likely become overrun by rodents.

Now homosexuality exists in nature. But it really does act as a failsafe for when the natural predators fail or are wiped out. Fact, homosexuals cannot reproduce AS homosexuals. They need some interaction with the opposite sex, even if it is by the mediator called a turkey baster.

Humans have very few natural predators. The homosexual human is natures failsafe to keep the human population in check. Without us the human population would boom and overtake this planet much faster than it currently is. Everything in nature needs a check and a balance. Homosexual humans are that failsae check and balance.

What do you guys think? It's just a theory, with easily found statistics to back it up. Once I give them that "point of view", if you will, they tend to understand why we exist and accept it more easily.

Discuss.