Ok... I am a little stoned, courtesy of D-Baby... girl I love you, so this post may get a tad random. So be warned. It is also a very, VERY personal post. I am glad to be able to share it. I don't think I have on my blog before.
Someone once told me of an old Chinese curse. May you live in interesting times. On the surface that doesn't all too bad. Who wouldn't want to live an interesting life? It is our optimism that downplays this curse. But the curse is two fold and contradictory. You see, interesting times as it was thought of in the curse is something akin to those who survived the events of 9/11. It was a tremendous tragedy. I was supposed to be there that day. If I were, I would surely be dead. If I had to witness it and survive it, regardless of the great loss it is none the less interesting. So in essence the curse is one that will have bad events happen to you... constantly. With no balance, you know... the good times and the bad.
But here in lies the contradiction. 9/11 is an extreme example. But lets tone it down and make it more interesting. Say that you are one that is cursed. Even though the events that occur are not pleasant, you do come out of it alive and the events themselves may be spectacular... even in their horror. But you survived every single one. So not only have you lived an interesting life, the content of your character and your inner strength can grow 10 fold.
So is it really a curse after all? You can argue yes, the events are tragic and no one should be subject to such things. You can argue no. That which does not kill you makes you stronger and you should be so blessed to really have your character and inner strength tested in such a way to inspire a dramatic breakthrough. A break through that some people wait their entire lives for and never achieve, not even at their moment of expiration.
Why the fuck am I talking about an old Chinese curse?
I have been thinking about the events of my life on a whole. I have had to endure some of the most horrible things imaginable by most who have not had to deal with such things. From the moment of birth my life has been interesting. I came into this world in an interesting way. Not everything in my life has been interesting in a negative way. I think I must be carrying the curse over from a past life. Hokey I know, but also remember I am a Buddhist. Reincarnation and Karma are not strangers to me. I also think I must have gained some fantastic inner strength and the gift of luck from that past. I always manage to come out ok and in a better position.
Take my birth for instance. It was very interesting. Interesting in that I almost killed myself and my mother during the delivery. Somehow, and they don't know how, I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. An emergency C section had to be performed as I was choking myself to death before the actual labor started. This also caused my mother to stop breathing and for a moment her heart stopped under the intensity of her blood pressure. But, I came out of it ok. I had tubes in my head and what not, my mothers recovery was long and difficult. But we came out of it... together. I think that is a key moment right there. That is where our relationship started. We came out of it together. She has never once really made me feel she was not proud of me. Nor not happy with me or not pleased that I was her son. She was always there. I had the strength given to me the moment we came out of it ok to fight. Inner Strength is the first gift I was given to combat the curse.
Fast forward a couple of years. Mom is not with dad. Dad denies I exist. My world is both rocked and calmed by the birth of my sister. An alcoholic threatens to destroy all that was me.
On the surface, once again these events sound not so great but one. A big one is dad not being there. My mother can raise me but she cannot show me how to be a man. That is something I think all boys need. Boys need to have a father. This tore me apart. The man who helped make me did not want to acknowledge I existed. Imagine that for one moment. What would knowing who your father is. Where your father is. Knowing you have other siblings out there... and having him not acknowledge you exist. Never come over, no happy birthday cards, no Christmas cards no help buying your first car, no father to son birds and the bees talk, no one to show you how to defend yourself, no one to throw a ball with, no father to see you play football or rugby or hockey. Yeah, that really can destroy your sense of self. Your sense of who you are and where you came from. But I survived. Not only did I survive, I beat the odds and turned out better than the children he claimd. How is that possible? Definitely an interest plot so far, even though it is tragic. This is only one background factor to a sum. I came out of it, during that time I learned that not only had I a gift of inner strength... I realized my gift of intellect. That intellect let me turn the situation around. Turn a negative into a positive. I knew that I was going to show him one day. I am going to be smarter than his others. I am going to play sports better than his others, I was going to treat my women (yes you heard me) better than his others. Tragic, interesting and contradictory.
The alcoholic was a HUGE piece of the interesting times I have been living. My mother fell in love.. with an alcoholic. Allen Brown. This man was someone who when sober was great. He was funny, he loved RC Cars he had a great voice. He could have been or done anything he wanted to do. But he had a higher power to answer to. That was booze. Now the key words here are "when he was sober". Problem is, he was never sober. When he was drunk he was a nasty, disgusting, verbally abusiv and violent drunk. The violence inflicted upon my mother and myself scarred me. My inner strength had failed me.... or so I thought.The wound that is now a scar took a lot of doing to heal. In fact the wound threatened my life. My sister was luckily not harmed in any of this except in the fact that she had to bear witness. You see sometimes a straw really can break a camels back and I broke. I was broken for a very long time. I had all of this pent up emotional shit. I was not always so open. I had withdrawn into myself. All I felt was cold and hate. I hated him and was too small for so long to be able to do anything about it. This made me act out in increasingly more hostile ways. My pet peeve was a bully. I would take on any bully that had the audacity to pick on someone smaller. I was constantly fighting until I became a bully myself. One slight twoards me meant a punch in the nose... then a broken nose. The worst I have ever done to someone was break their arm using my car door because he kicked my car. I was out of control. After going through an anger management program I learned to control my anger but I never saw the point. I was unhappy and there was no point to not harming myself. So I did. I emotionally scarred myself. I was sleeping with a lot of different guys (I always used protection... I wasn't that damn nuts) which only made me feel bad. I was out there just being a complete ass. Once I saw the abuse I put myself through my gift of inner strength sparked back into action. I began to use my intellect again. I began to change my life. Though it was a struggle... one more infraction and I was sure to either be in jail or dead at the age of 18. Interesting times indeed.
I had a light at the end of the tunnel. I met someone. The same someone whom I had to let go. His virtue is that he showed me that it was possible to be happy. My gift of luck was starting to shine through. Because it was sheer dumb luck that we met. He made me feel it was ok to let someone get close to me. That I was not going to be hurt. With a little love my wounds healed. I curbed my behavior... I had a reason to. My life got better. I built an entirely new life from scratch. One in which I loved and lived and provided for. Life can be great. But then we get complacent and forget the struggles we had to endure to get to where we are. We become smug basking in the opulence that life can be. I was no longer bound for jail or death. I was no longer feeling the need to be violent. I learned to control it. My inner strength shown through. It enabled me to learn self control. To let my feelings out. It changed who I was. I once again came out of it ok. Better than I was before.
But all things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever. He and I ended. What seem like a great tragedy is so far the biggest gift. We ended but I am ok. Not just ok... 10 yrs of life altering time. I am not the same person I Was before. I am so much better with so much more to offer. I finally feel good enough. I am starting from scratch, but guess what.... I have done it before I know I can do it again. I feel damn good about that. I know I am strong enough and good enough and loving enough. I am in love with me!
So is it really a curse to have to live in interesting times? If I had to give an honest answer I would say. No it is not a curse, it is the most difficult of blessings. So whoever cursed me in a past life, I thank you. It is at this moment, I feel my upcoming interesting times are going to be positive. I think I used up all the negative.
Thanks for reading this long ass post.
- Daemian
No comments:
Post a Comment