Happy New Year...

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I was actually rather happy to ring in the New Year here at home with Mike. It felt warm, familiar... as if we were the only two people in this world. I also got REALLY wasted! I drank 2 6 packs of Corona... by myself. I have spent a lot of this month intoxicated. Trying to not feel what's going on. Trying to not feel. Last night I think I drank way too much.

I do remember this much.... I did not get "Whiskey Dick". Mike and I did "do the nasty" last night. 3 times last night. I don't know how I feel about that. Is it confusing? Sure. Does it only reattach me? Sure. Does it change what is going to happen within 2 days time? No.

That is the confusing part. I mean I wasn't so drunk that I don't remember the sex. I do. I hadn't plowed ANYONE that hard, that fast, the feverish and that passionately in over 10yrs. I mean... wow, I shocked myself with the performance. As the ball dropped all I could do was lay my head on his chest and cry. This is our last New Years Eve together.

Of course as expected but slightly different he sent mixed messages of his own. Shortly after our second trist he says, "It's strange, by this time next year I may be someones collared slave.". Ummmm... don't fuck me then say shit like that. Did I need to hear that? No. Did I need to know that he was seeking that type of relationship that I love him too much to give him? I guess I did need to know that. I needed to know that because even tho I fucked the daylights out of him (I was VERY rough, very dominant and very intimidating... even a lil' choking... it got intense) that I still could not go to the frontier he needs to go to. I guess I did need to know that. I guess I needed to know that despite all that is good/was good about our relationship, there will always be this big threat going against us both. His needs versus My needs which are on opposite sides of the spectrum. His desires are something he didn't ever deal with and they were strong enough to warrant infidelity. My desires and my torn down sense of self are things that were driving me away and had me ALMOST screw someone else.

These are things we need to work out before entering a relationship with someone else. I need to make like Stella and get my groove back, he needs to make like a gimp and be caged and tortured.

I think we can be friends after we get over the break up. Our friendship is very important. For 10yrs we had been best friends. We shall see how the time will heal us. I can only hope for the best for him. Hope that he remains safe and sane, doesn't incur too many physical scars from his 'quest'.

Happy New Year Chulos! Let's all hope 2008 will bring prosperity and a new heart!

-Daemian