So I have just been a big ol' bag of emotions the past few weeks. This has been a VERY hard year and an even more difficult holiday season.
Still getting used to being alone. This shit is much harder than it looked on paper. Basically for the past billion years I have not ever been alone. Went from home to roommates to a husband to roommates. Being on my own has been hard. I have been in such a mad dash to find another boyfriend that I lost track of what it is I should be doing. Seems I bore myself to tears. I was so blinded by this that I entered into a relationship that proved to be more drama than I needed and only left me feeling more lonely. Yeah...
To top it all off this is my first holiday season without my family being within arms reach. Talk about depressing. It's also a season of painful anniversaries. Thanksgiving was when I realized me and my husband had to end, this Thanksgiving made year one of that pain. This entire month of December marks the one year anniversary of living with my ex and dealing with the damage that inflicted. I have been working a shit ton and trying to build lasting friendships. So I have been having a very hard time dealing with my emotions. Dealing with the relationship that is so hot and cold only made things worse. So I am gonna just try and enjoy being alone. Don't know how I am gonna do that.. but I have to give it a shot. Feels like I keep respeccing my life. WoW players will get that one, and my fellow WoW-mates will totally agree that it's my M.O. LOL.
Some days I could cry all day, some days I am content, some days I could beat the crap out of every person I see, some days I just miss my family, some days I miss my Mike, most days I miss Jeremy. Been considering going back on meds as this is feeling a bit more manic than I am used to dealing with. I mean I even got into a fight in which I all but obliterated some asshole. Granted.. he had it coming in calling me a faggot, but I hadn't lost control like that in years.
I then find out one of my old clients and someone I considered a friend died of cancer a few days ago. I guess one really can't just leave it all behind. You can't do it because you leave a mark everywhere you go. I felt selfish, spoke to his wife and she said how he was upset I was no longer in NYC and that he often spoke of me fondly. I felt terrible that I hadn't been in contact with him since my move. I was selfish in just picking up and leaving. So there is also my dealing with those emotions. Who knows tho.. if I can come out of this ok without meds it would make me that much stronger, if I got back on the meds its just me using a crutch. taking the easy way out.
I am very thankful in that I have made 2 VERY good friends. Mike and Seamus. They have been taking good care of me here in Boston, but I often feel like the third wheel. They are married.
I am so confused. If I can make it to January 3rd, the anniversary of my true freedom... perhaps I will be ok.
- D
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breakup. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Then Suddenly...
The ground falls from beneath me. As quickly as love found me, love has left me. I am not as upset as I should be. In reality, I sort of saw this coming. My new ex simply did not love himself. As admitted, I was too good to be true. I was like something unreal. Something that his subconscious kept trying to wake up from. He was waiting for the ground to fall from beneath him. For the other shoe to drop. I guess it did not bode well for him. He was always worried that I was going to leave him and hurt him.
It would seem that Boston men have a lot of issues. They are treated so poorly by their own that when one comes along that treats them well, it is unbelievable. Part of my own emotional baggage is to fix mistakes of the past. As seen in my staunch disapproval of domestic violence. I grew up with domestic violence and vowed to never let that cycle continue. So no matter how angry I got.. I may yell, I may argue... but I will never get in my lovers face nor would I ever physically hurt them. Additional baggage would be in that I may not have been the best when it came to how I treated Michael. I treat him like a child. Like someone who needed constant guidance and protection. He is a grown man and needs neither. In realizing this I have decided to treat my lover very well. To instill in myself this will to be a great man for my lover. As it would seem this is too much for those who take their baggage negatively to handle.
I treated Joey too well. As bizarre as it seems, I did. We all idealize this great relationship in which we are treated well and with respect. Is it really what we want tho? Not that treating him well was outside of the "Me". It was not, it was in fact the man I have always wanted to be and found it in myself to become. It was me. But it seems that even trying to show someone that not all gay men are all the same is not something we seem to want. Do men really want to be treated poorly? Because it is more in line to their accepted reality? Have we become so jaded? Do I give up on being a good man and find that side of myself that is, for all intents and purposes, a "manizer"? When I gave up on dating and treated men like garbage I found no end in the supply of guys who wanted to date me.
In all reality it probably would not have worked between me and Joey. I mean.. we are both tops. I bottomed and enjoyed it with him because I opened my heart up to love him. Love him I did. But let us be realistic.... I am a top. Maybe I would have hurt him at some point. Perhaps at some point I would have fucked every bottom that shook his ass like a bitch in heat. Perhaps I would have broken up with him over purely sexual reasons. Who knows. I was willing to try tho. It did feel like we were always hanging over an edge. Me being well grounded holding him, dangling, over the edge... trying my hardest to not let go. He was aware of his predicament. I promised him I would not let go. Not let him fall... but I can not hold on if he let go. Well... he let go. He fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
We had a decent 2 months. Everytime we were together it was fantastic. When we weren't together he would go into this tailspin. If I showed even the slightest displeasure or disappointment he would try to "give me an out". He felt he did not deserve me and that I deserved better. I can not fix that. So I am single again. I don't do the whole break up and make up thing. I just don't. Does that mean I won't get back together with him? I don't know. I hope he fixes himself. When he does... I may be here... I may not. Such is life. Funny enough.. I am not as upset as I should be. I am hurt, make no mistake, but I am not a mess. I do think I am done with putting my heart out there to have it shat on. I do think I will go back to just using men for sex and nothing more. It is what it is right?
- D
It would seem that Boston men have a lot of issues. They are treated so poorly by their own that when one comes along that treats them well, it is unbelievable. Part of my own emotional baggage is to fix mistakes of the past. As seen in my staunch disapproval of domestic violence. I grew up with domestic violence and vowed to never let that cycle continue. So no matter how angry I got.. I may yell, I may argue... but I will never get in my lovers face nor would I ever physically hurt them. Additional baggage would be in that I may not have been the best when it came to how I treated Michael. I treat him like a child. Like someone who needed constant guidance and protection. He is a grown man and needs neither. In realizing this I have decided to treat my lover very well. To instill in myself this will to be a great man for my lover. As it would seem this is too much for those who take their baggage negatively to handle.
I treated Joey too well. As bizarre as it seems, I did. We all idealize this great relationship in which we are treated well and with respect. Is it really what we want tho? Not that treating him well was outside of the "Me". It was not, it was in fact the man I have always wanted to be and found it in myself to become. It was me. But it seems that even trying to show someone that not all gay men are all the same is not something we seem to want. Do men really want to be treated poorly? Because it is more in line to their accepted reality? Have we become so jaded? Do I give up on being a good man and find that side of myself that is, for all intents and purposes, a "manizer"? When I gave up on dating and treated men like garbage I found no end in the supply of guys who wanted to date me.
In all reality it probably would not have worked between me and Joey. I mean.. we are both tops. I bottomed and enjoyed it with him because I opened my heart up to love him. Love him I did. But let us be realistic.... I am a top. Maybe I would have hurt him at some point. Perhaps at some point I would have fucked every bottom that shook his ass like a bitch in heat. Perhaps I would have broken up with him over purely sexual reasons. Who knows. I was willing to try tho. It did feel like we were always hanging over an edge. Me being well grounded holding him, dangling, over the edge... trying my hardest to not let go. He was aware of his predicament. I promised him I would not let go. Not let him fall... but I can not hold on if he let go. Well... he let go. He fell and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
We had a decent 2 months. Everytime we were together it was fantastic. When we weren't together he would go into this tailspin. If I showed even the slightest displeasure or disappointment he would try to "give me an out". He felt he did not deserve me and that I deserved better. I can not fix that. So I am single again. I don't do the whole break up and make up thing. I just don't. Does that mean I won't get back together with him? I don't know. I hope he fixes himself. When he does... I may be here... I may not. Such is life. Funny enough.. I am not as upset as I should be. I am hurt, make no mistake, but I am not a mess. I do think I am done with putting my heart out there to have it shat on. I do think I will go back to just using men for sex and nothing more. It is what it is right?
- D
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
New Apartment!
Well well well... I found myself an apartment! It's a 1 bedroom apartment, so I will finally be living by myself. It's in East Boston and will only cost me $750 a month which is damn good for an apartment in Boston. The bedroom is TINY. I mean I think it will accommodate my bed... and that is it. LOL. The living room is pretty nice and the kitchen is HUGE! Eat in kitchen W00T! I am also on the first floor, which means the backyard is mine! BBQ's and parties baby!
I am intending to move in next week which will be fabulous if I can manage to get some help in the driving portion of it all. Let's hope!
Gotta have my Jaeryd come over and help me ring in the new apartment with booze and crappy movies.
Coming up on one year since me and Mike ended... I don't know how I feel about this quite yet. We shall see how it goes.
Wish me luck chulos!
;)
- D
I am intending to move in next week which will be fabulous if I can manage to get some help in the driving portion of it all. Let's hope!
Gotta have my Jaeryd come over and help me ring in the new apartment with booze and crappy movies.
Coming up on one year since me and Mike ended... I don't know how I feel about this quite yet. We shall see how it goes.
Wish me luck chulos!
;)
- D
Monday, September 15, 2008
A Most Stressful and Odd Week...
Talk about an odd and stressful week. I mean I find out last weekend that I have to find a new place to live. Long story. Then I seem to be slowing down at work but maintaining my numbers, for the love of God. Then I meet my Ex's... ex... Yes, you heard me. I had to live with this spectre of my Ex's first love hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles for the past ten years. Hell this has been a weird last 2 weeks really. I mean I had my first 3 way in over a decade, and it was HOT! Now this Ex's ex thing.
Well I think the even weirder part is that I didn't just meet my Ex's ex. I also kissed him. Talk about surreal. In talking to him further I came to realize that to him, Michael was 10 years ago. That those feelings don't exist for him. For me it's only be close to a year. It's still fresh.
We exchanged numbers, shared our similarly twisted and odd sense of humors... I mean... eerie.
So I am back on the hunt for an apartment or roommates. I am on my way now to check something out in Dorchester. I don't really know what else to say. I mean I just can't seem to get it all together in my head to talk about. So I am just giving you guys what has happened.
Oh I left out that there is a guy I like, but I don't date. So its even stranger.
Whatever...
- Daemian
Well I think the even weirder part is that I didn't just meet my Ex's ex. I also kissed him. Talk about surreal. In talking to him further I came to realize that to him, Michael was 10 years ago. That those feelings don't exist for him. For me it's only be close to a year. It's still fresh.
We exchanged numbers, shared our similarly twisted and odd sense of humors... I mean... eerie.
So I am back on the hunt for an apartment or roommates. I am on my way now to check something out in Dorchester. I don't really know what else to say. I mean I just can't seem to get it all together in my head to talk about. So I am just giving you guys what has happened.
Oh I left out that there is a guy I like, but I don't date. So its even stranger.
Whatever...
- Daemian
Monday, July 21, 2008
Perhaps Acceptance...
Been going through some odd feelings lately. I have been coming to grips with the fact that I would have welcomed not being single, I would have gladly taken a new partner, though I was not ready for it. My decision would have been hasty even. I know, I know... didn't Jaeryd try to tell me that? Of course he did. I would have even done well in a relationship being not ready, it's just part of who I am. I am good at the things I do.
But, now... I don't know so much. I am coming to grips with being single. Slowed down the whole being slutty thing has put a lot into perspective. I don't know nor truly understand what it is just yet. But I do know I am enjoying the new found freedom. Don't even know if I particularly want a partner right now. Oh my god... did I really just say that? Perhaps it's just my strangely manic mode? Perhaps acceptance has really set in?
I have gone on a few dates, trying to find that "Mike" replacement, only to find none of us are really replaceable.. Would I really want to "replace" him anyway? Shouldn't I be looking for something or someone different? Well I have pretty much stopped looking, stopped dating, stopped being desperate. Don't get me wrong, I will still look at every hot guy like he was a piece of meat... but hey I don't have to go there in reality ya know. I also know I don't want to relive all of the mistakes I made along the way.
I don't really know what this all means. I don't, I mean this is a first for me in terms of life experiences. So I don't know what to expect or what to do. But I do know this... now that I am not really looking for a relationship.. watch someone tries to toss one on me. LOL. Go fig.
Well, enough of this weird, woke up from a dead sleep with an inkling to blog rambling. Talk to yas later.
- Daemian
But, now... I don't know so much. I am coming to grips with being single. Slowed down the whole being slutty thing has put a lot into perspective. I don't know nor truly understand what it is just yet. But I do know I am enjoying the new found freedom. Don't even know if I particularly want a partner right now. Oh my god... did I really just say that? Perhaps it's just my strangely manic mode? Perhaps acceptance has really set in?
I have gone on a few dates, trying to find that "Mike" replacement, only to find none of us are really replaceable.. Would I really want to "replace" him anyway? Shouldn't I be looking for something or someone different? Well I have pretty much stopped looking, stopped dating, stopped being desperate. Don't get me wrong, I will still look at every hot guy like he was a piece of meat... but hey I don't have to go there in reality ya know. I also know I don't want to relive all of the mistakes I made along the way.
I don't really know what this all means. I don't, I mean this is a first for me in terms of life experiences. So I don't know what to expect or what to do. But I do know this... now that I am not really looking for a relationship.. watch someone tries to toss one on me. LOL. Go fig.
Well, enough of this weird, woke up from a dead sleep with an inkling to blog rambling. Talk to yas later.
- Daemian
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Jobs, Jobs, Jobs!
Well apparently this past weekend has made for a great networking opportunity. As such I am sprucing up my resumé to reflect my graphic design ability while still selling myself as an IT guy that is also a Graphic Designer. It would seem that there are many bears that can pass my resumé along and perhaps get me in at some decent places. I do like working at the club but the pay is not going to get me back on my feet in anyway... unless they put me on as a Bartender and give me a good night. I somehow doubt that will happen tho. So at any rate I am breaking ass to get my electronic portfolio done, my website done and my resumé up to code. Soon enough chulos.. soon enough.
Oh an no I didn't get the gig that would have been perfect for getting me back on my feet.Their reason... I don't have a car. My friend Jay took great offense to this as I would be driving in with him and he feels they are calling him unreliable. Of course he has not missed a single day, has voluntarily done overtime and arrives early. He did overhear them talking about my being overqualified for the job. So we suspect that to be the real reason.
Whatever the case may be, come hell or high water I am not going to give anyone... especially my ex... the satisfaction of saying I made a mistake in leaving him and leaving NYC. Fuck that shit. I am gonna do this and I don't give a shit what it takes.
If anyone out there has any connections in the Boston area for an IT or Graphics Guy let me know and I will forward a resumé. LOL.
-Daemian
Oh an no I didn't get the gig that would have been perfect for getting me back on my feet.Their reason... I don't have a car. My friend Jay took great offense to this as I would be driving in with him and he feels they are calling him unreliable. Of course he has not missed a single day, has voluntarily done overtime and arrives early. He did overhear them talking about my being overqualified for the job. So we suspect that to be the real reason.
Whatever the case may be, come hell or high water I am not going to give anyone... especially my ex... the satisfaction of saying I made a mistake in leaving him and leaving NYC. Fuck that shit. I am gonna do this and I don't give a shit what it takes.
If anyone out there has any connections in the Boston area for an IT or Graphics Guy let me know and I will forward a resumé. LOL.
-Daemian
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
THIS... IS... MY... GIRRRLLLL!!!!
Kristine W. You go girl. OMG, the gay club is rubbing off on me. Anyway, I know how this feels with one exception. It's all very true to me. I mean, he was emotionally unavailable to me. He was not truly free to love. I spent 10yrs trying to get it out of him. Hurting myself in the process. Then not once but twice he showed that he could not truly choose. But he would not turn and walk away, so I had to. Enjoy the music video chulos. I love this bitch, she is... here's my new word of the year coming up... THIS BITCH IS FIERCE!
-Daemian
-Daemian
Monday, March 3, 2008
I'm Still Standing
For some reason I love this Elton John song. I loved it when I was a kid and I still love it now. Besides the fact that here is Elton John prancing around with a bunch of painted men in thongs. But for some ungodly reason, I understand it now. Lyrics and video attached chulos!
Lyrics:
You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use
And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah (fading)
Video:
Lyrics:
You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use
And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah (fading)
Video:
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Mistakes...
I made a mistake. Now I have to live with it. Nuff said. I am such a fucking pussy. Perhaps blogging about my life is a bad thing because now the world knows I am a pussy.
What do I do now? It's a question only I can answer I guess. I think I am taking a hiatus for a while. No indecisiveness about that.
Til whenever...
-D
What do I do now? It's a question only I can answer I guess. I think I am taking a hiatus for a while. No indecisiveness about that.
Til whenever...
-D
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Overthinking, a Good Nights Sleep and Internet Glee...
(This is a massive edit to the original post)
I do tend to over think, over evaluate, over everything a situation and my actions. I don't like 'not knowing'. I don't like 'not being sure'. It's what makes me a bad gambler... I simply won't make the 'bet' if I do not think the odds are in my favor by some huge amount.
Then I make a choice, but of course... once I make a choice I have to sit down and figure the odds of it being the correct thing to do.
C and I made plans to have him come over and check out the room and a movie today. I don't think he will show up tho. I may have, in the cloud my mind has been in lately, scared him off. No hard feelings of course, just thwarted intentions. I don't think I will call him, he's a big boy. I can only hope that I get lucky and lightning strikes twice for me. I will just have to wait and see.
A good nights sleep can sometimes clear your mind of a lot of fog. Since I got here I have not had a good nights/days sleep. It's been really cold in my room and I only had a fucking sheet. Well my 'Hag in Training' gained some gigantic brownie points. She gave me a blanket and my oh my does this thing get me toastie. So last night I actually slept all the way through the night. Can sleep dep. make you insane and lose focus? I say yes. I lost focus of a lot and after having slept through the night finally without the shivers waking me up every 10 - 15 minutes... I feel lik eI have regained that focus. I feel energized. Ready to take on just about anything. Amazing what letting your mind and body rest, recuperate and rebuild can do for you.
During the course of this blog you guys have seen that I reference the past 2 years of my life as a journey of self discovery. That I had re-embraced my eastern childhood lessons and was finding myself. Well ever since I broke up with Mike (sleep dep making it worse) I had lost sight of that. I hadn't given myself the credit I was due. I failed to recognize that in the past 2 years I discovered who I am. That in discovering who I am I learned to love myself. In learning to love myself I saw I had to end my unhealthy relationship. In ending my unhealthy relationship I almost lost sight of 2 years worth of work. In revitalizing my mind I have regained my focus and clarity. I came a long way in 2 years and took a huge leap in going on 2 months. I am confident that I know who I am and what I am about. I hadn't given myself enough credit. Well I am giving myself that credit now. The pat on the back I fucking deserve.
Well, I slept... I slept well. I feel good. I have regained my focus. Sober and all. Jaeryd is right in a sense. I don't need someone in my life... I want someone in my life. In the past 2 years (journey of self) I have learned a lot. One thing is that I am not the type to be single. It's just who I am and what I like. But I am just fine on my own. In those 2 years I learned that while I am a horny motherfucker, if I could fuck 3 - 4 times a day without my balls hurting... I'd be in heaven, it is something I can control.
That I am going to have sex in the context of a relationship out of a personal choice is something I decided a long time ago and rediscovered the reason last month. I had done something with someone out of the context of a relationship as a newly single guy and I didn't like it. The same feeling I got at 18 I had again at 28. You know what they say... the more things change the more they stay the same. I have changed in my love and appreciation of myself, but the core of what makes me tick. The things that motivate me. The things that drive me to seek a companion. Those things have not changed. There is comfort in knowing that I really do know who I am and what I am about. That is more than most guys my age or in my situation can say about themselves. In a way I was prepared to make the leap I made. The past 2 years prepared me for it.
Does this mean sex outside the context of a relationship while single will not happen? Of course not, I am human. I am a man. I am horny. I will try to have the courage of my convictions tho.
On a less serious note... we got the internet back! Woohoo! The DNS servers for us were static, but then comcast decided to switch to dynamic DNS without saying anything. So of course the static DNS servers got hosed and boom we lost internet. Thought it was one of the neighbors mistaking our wi-fi for theirs. Not malicious it happens. So I secured the wi-fi, secured the router and Joe got on the phone with comcasy. Of course comcast had him do everything I already did and then comcast fiigured out that the DNS servers got hosed. So it is fixed now and all is right once again in internet land. Yay! I am an internet addict and without my fix bad things happen. Like I break my dick watching porn I have saved on my computer.
LOL... believe it or not, I enjoyed fixing it. It was like "ooh a puzzle!'. Maybe I should try to work for comcast. Seems they need Mac Techs there.
-Daemian
P.S. I am sorry for not being more open with you Jaeryd. Forgive me?
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Scary Realizations...
You know, sometimes a healthy event can scare the living shit out of you. I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom, came back to bed, got up again when I could not get to sleep, had a smoke, came back inside, fixed the wi-fi network and then it hit me. So far every time I go out for a smoke I think about Mike. I didn't think about him this time. I slept through the night, with not a dream about him. Does this mean I am really detaching? I read one of his emails he sent to me and instead of tearing up... I was able to just read it. I think it is too soon to talk to him on the phone for fear of a healing wound being re-opened.
Does this mean I no longer love him? Of course not. I will always love him. Does this mean I am done hurting? I mean I did spend one month actually being single, I found out the person I became. I realize what it is I need in my life right now. I expect a relationship to be something uplifting. I expect to feel love when I see someone, not anger or resentment. I expect emotional openness. Emotions do not consist of just anger and happiness, there is a broad range and I need someone who can readily express them all to me. I am an emotional guy and expect emotional support. Let me in and I will be yours. I need encouragement. I am in a very volatile position right now having to start over from scratch. So I have to relearn how to depend on others for help. The last thing I want to do is to have to call mom and beg for cash. It takes a bit of pride swallowing to do that. I need someone who can put my mind at ease about it, to let me know it is ok to ask for help. That it doesn't change who I am or how they see me. I need someone who CAN be there for me... do not forsake me and I am yours.
Right now I don't want to be me. I need someone who will help me want to be me. (I tend to get depressed easily and I recognize that so don't think I am going to go jumping off a bridge) It's not the time to break down and I need someone in my life that can help lift me... not refuse to lift me.
His problems needs to be our problems. Be there to lift me and I will be there to lift you. I want to be able to freely show my love and all I have to offer. I don't want to be ashamed of my body, my face, my problems. I want to give someone the power to be great. I want to give someone the power to enhance my happiness, not looking for someone to MAKE me happy... only I can do that.
Does that person even exist? I hope so.
God I am such a hopeless romantic. A single rose and a stolen kiss... a stroke on the nape of the neck, an opened door, a lite for my cigarette, a look in my eyes.
I liked being in a relationship... regardless of how unhealthy it was.. I enjoyed the companionship, conversation etc.. I know that the person I became is someone who NEEDS to give love. I am someone that wants and needs someone to love. I don't quite like being single. I do like having living spaces be separate, but I don't like not having someone to express my feelings to. Someone to share my deepest desires and secrets. So scary realization right there is that I am a Cancer. A family man, a homebody... someone who can administer an immeasurable amount of pelasure and love to those I care about. Being single does not suit me and I realize now that it never did. That is the reason I was a slutty teenager and wanted to experience it all so I could settle down early and be happy with someone for a longer period of time.
I am a wounded animal that is having a surprisingly speedy recovery, and the scariest realization was that... I am fine.
-Daemian
Does this mean I no longer love him? Of course not. I will always love him. Does this mean I am done hurting? I mean I did spend one month actually being single, I found out the person I became. I realize what it is I need in my life right now. I expect a relationship to be something uplifting. I expect to feel love when I see someone, not anger or resentment. I expect emotional openness. Emotions do not consist of just anger and happiness, there is a broad range and I need someone who can readily express them all to me. I am an emotional guy and expect emotional support. Let me in and I will be yours. I need encouragement. I am in a very volatile position right now having to start over from scratch. So I have to relearn how to depend on others for help. The last thing I want to do is to have to call mom and beg for cash. It takes a bit of pride swallowing to do that. I need someone who can put my mind at ease about it, to let me know it is ok to ask for help. That it doesn't change who I am or how they see me. I need someone who CAN be there for me... do not forsake me and I am yours.
Right now I don't want to be me. I need someone who will help me want to be me. (I tend to get depressed easily and I recognize that so don't think I am going to go jumping off a bridge) It's not the time to break down and I need someone in my life that can help lift me... not refuse to lift me.
His problems needs to be our problems. Be there to lift me and I will be there to lift you. I want to be able to freely show my love and all I have to offer. I don't want to be ashamed of my body, my face, my problems. I want to give someone the power to be great. I want to give someone the power to enhance my happiness, not looking for someone to MAKE me happy... only I can do that.
Does that person even exist? I hope so.
God I am such a hopeless romantic. A single rose and a stolen kiss... a stroke on the nape of the neck, an opened door, a lite for my cigarette, a look in my eyes.
I liked being in a relationship... regardless of how unhealthy it was.. I enjoyed the companionship, conversation etc.. I know that the person I became is someone who NEEDS to give love. I am someone that wants and needs someone to love. I don't quite like being single. I do like having living spaces be separate, but I don't like not having someone to express my feelings to. Someone to share my deepest desires and secrets. So scary realization right there is that I am a Cancer. A family man, a homebody... someone who can administer an immeasurable amount of pelasure and love to those I care about. Being single does not suit me and I realize now that it never did. That is the reason I was a slutty teenager and wanted to experience it all so I could settle down early and be happy with someone for a longer period of time.
I am a wounded animal that is having a surprisingly speedy recovery, and the scariest realization was that... I am fine.
-Daemian
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
January 2nd... Time is Running Out!
Time waits for no man. We would all like to think we are just special enough, that just for us time would slow down or even stop. I am hours away from having to leave NYC behind. As painful as this month has been, it has gone by VERY fast. I have learned a lot in the past month... more than I have learned on this entire 2 year long journey I have been on. I never thought, 2 years ago, that when I started the journey of self that it would have this as a twist. I think this was my test. In 2 years I have grown. Grown fearless to live life, grown even more responsible for my actions, grown to understand me.
This month long break up has tested everything I thought I had come to understand. It tested my fearlessness. It tested it, broke it then forced me to awaken to a realization. It was not fearlessness I learned... it was courage. Courage is doing what is right or facing adversity even though you ARE scared. It is ok to be scared, it is NOT ok to back down and run away because you are scared. I am terrified of being alone, terrified that I had made the wrong choice. But now I know. I know I made the right choice and that yes moving to a new place, with new people and new challenges is frightening but that if I can get through this past month... I can face anything no matter how painful or scared I am. Face your fear!
It tested my sense of responsibility. Made me realize that utilizing the courage I can stand in the face of fear and opposition and STILL get the job done and come out of it all smelling like roses. I mainly stayed here for the month of December for two reasons. Reason 1, I had an obligation to at least try to settle the rent debt we had incurred when I was unemployed (Mike was unemployed too, but what else was new. He spent a lot of time unemployed.). Did we settle the rent debt? No. But I can say I stayed here and toughed it out to try. Reason 2, it was Christmas time. My former place of employment is absolutely insane during that time of year. My job as their tech is VERY important during that time. Computers break down, shipping needs to be done, web orders need to be pulled and even though it is not my job.. cases of wine needed to be moved around.... a lot. I could not leave them that way, if I had the holidays would have been an absolute disaster.
So in the face of fear and pain I mustered the courage to be responsible and honorable. If you haven't guessed by now honor is very important to me. I get to say I left NYC, made an impact on people, will be fondly remembered and will always have a home here.
As far as understanding 'me' goes... I thought I had a very good grip on who I am. I thought I knew... but I didn't. Until now that is. I understand why my self esteem went to the crapper. I understand where my jealousy came from. I understand what it is I NEED in a partner. I finally understand.
There is always more to learn. One other thing I guess I learned during this last month is that my 2 year long journey is not over. The newest lesson I learned this month is that I can control everything I think is wrong or bad about me. I can control it, manipulate it and use it. I know I am not hideous, I am not the grand prize but I am a damn good man and a damn good catch. Anyone would be a fool to not snatch me up as soon as they can. I have a lot to offer a partner. I know that my sense of honor won't wane. I tried... it doesn't work. I will always be an honorable man. One who does the right thing despite my own best interests. My hero complex is something to be proud of. Not many people have it. Even fewer know what to do with it if they did have it. I was actually rather embarrassed about my hero complex. It was always so hokey... my need to protect people. My jealousy... thats an interesting one. I have not gained full control over it, but I can recognize when it is happening. When I see it happening I just calm myself down, clear my head and then evaluate the situation and if it really warrants my being jealous. If it does... then I will be jealous... if it doesn't then I am fine.
I have grown so much in the past 2 years. It is a shame that Mike has to miss the end result when it finally comes. This past month has hurt, has frightened and has hardened me... but it did not destroy me. I can go on and be fine. I know there are more opportunities out there for me. I know my own story does not end tomorrow. In fact, it may be just beginning.
Learn, Live and Love.
-Daemian
This month long break up has tested everything I thought I had come to understand. It tested my fearlessness. It tested it, broke it then forced me to awaken to a realization. It was not fearlessness I learned... it was courage. Courage is doing what is right or facing adversity even though you ARE scared. It is ok to be scared, it is NOT ok to back down and run away because you are scared. I am terrified of being alone, terrified that I had made the wrong choice. But now I know. I know I made the right choice and that yes moving to a new place, with new people and new challenges is frightening but that if I can get through this past month... I can face anything no matter how painful or scared I am. Face your fear!
It tested my sense of responsibility. Made me realize that utilizing the courage I can stand in the face of fear and opposition and STILL get the job done and come out of it all smelling like roses. I mainly stayed here for the month of December for two reasons. Reason 1, I had an obligation to at least try to settle the rent debt we had incurred when I was unemployed (Mike was unemployed too, but what else was new. He spent a lot of time unemployed.). Did we settle the rent debt? No. But I can say I stayed here and toughed it out to try. Reason 2, it was Christmas time. My former place of employment is absolutely insane during that time of year. My job as their tech is VERY important during that time. Computers break down, shipping needs to be done, web orders need to be pulled and even though it is not my job.. cases of wine needed to be moved around.... a lot. I could not leave them that way, if I had the holidays would have been an absolute disaster.
So in the face of fear and pain I mustered the courage to be responsible and honorable. If you haven't guessed by now honor is very important to me. I get to say I left NYC, made an impact on people, will be fondly remembered and will always have a home here.
As far as understanding 'me' goes... I thought I had a very good grip on who I am. I thought I knew... but I didn't. Until now that is. I understand why my self esteem went to the crapper. I understand where my jealousy came from. I understand what it is I NEED in a partner. I finally understand.
There is always more to learn. One other thing I guess I learned during this last month is that my 2 year long journey is not over. The newest lesson I learned this month is that I can control everything I think is wrong or bad about me. I can control it, manipulate it and use it. I know I am not hideous, I am not the grand prize but I am a damn good man and a damn good catch. Anyone would be a fool to not snatch me up as soon as they can. I have a lot to offer a partner. I know that my sense of honor won't wane. I tried... it doesn't work. I will always be an honorable man. One who does the right thing despite my own best interests. My hero complex is something to be proud of. Not many people have it. Even fewer know what to do with it if they did have it. I was actually rather embarrassed about my hero complex. It was always so hokey... my need to protect people. My jealousy... thats an interesting one. I have not gained full control over it, but I can recognize when it is happening. When I see it happening I just calm myself down, clear my head and then evaluate the situation and if it really warrants my being jealous. If it does... then I will be jealous... if it doesn't then I am fine.
I have grown so much in the past 2 years. It is a shame that Mike has to miss the end result when it finally comes. This past month has hurt, has frightened and has hardened me... but it did not destroy me. I can go on and be fine. I know there are more opportunities out there for me. I know my own story does not end tomorrow. In fact, it may be just beginning.
Learn, Live and Love.
-Daemian
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Happy New Year...
The more things change, the more they stay the same. I was actually rather happy to ring in the New Year here at home with Mike. It felt warm, familiar... as if we were the only two people in this world. I also got REALLY wasted! I drank 2 6 packs of Corona... by myself. I have spent a lot of this month intoxicated. Trying to not feel what's going on. Trying to not feel. Last night I think I drank way too much.
I do remember this much.... I did not get "Whiskey Dick". Mike and I did "do the nasty" last night. 3 times last night. I don't know how I feel about that. Is it confusing? Sure. Does it only reattach me? Sure. Does it change what is going to happen within 2 days time? No.
That is the confusing part. I mean I wasn't so drunk that I don't remember the sex. I do. I hadn't plowed ANYONE that hard, that fast, the feverish and that passionately in over 10yrs. I mean... wow, I shocked myself with the performance. As the ball dropped all I could do was lay my head on his chest and cry. This is our last New Years Eve together.
Of course as expected but slightly different he sent mixed messages of his own. Shortly after our second trist he says, "It's strange, by this time next year I may be someones collared slave.". Ummmm... don't fuck me then say shit like that. Did I need to hear that? No. Did I need to know that he was seeking that type of relationship that I love him too much to give him? I guess I did need to know that. I needed to know that because even tho I fucked the daylights out of him (I was VERY rough, very dominant and very intimidating... even a lil' choking... it got intense) that I still could not go to the frontier he needs to go to. I guess I did need to know that. I guess I needed to know that despite all that is good/was good about our relationship, there will always be this big threat going against us both. His needs versus My needs which are on opposite sides of the spectrum. His desires are something he didn't ever deal with and they were strong enough to warrant infidelity. My desires and my torn down sense of self are things that were driving me away and had me ALMOST screw someone else.
These are things we need to work out before entering a relationship with someone else. I need to make like Stella and get my groove back, he needs to make like a gimp and be caged and tortured.
I think we can be friends after we get over the break up. Our friendship is very important. For 10yrs we had been best friends. We shall see how the time will heal us. I can only hope for the best for him. Hope that he remains safe and sane, doesn't incur too many physical scars from his 'quest'.
Happy New Year Chulos! Let's all hope 2008 will bring prosperity and a new heart!
-Daemian
I do remember this much.... I did not get "Whiskey Dick". Mike and I did "do the nasty" last night. 3 times last night. I don't know how I feel about that. Is it confusing? Sure. Does it only reattach me? Sure. Does it change what is going to happen within 2 days time? No.
That is the confusing part. I mean I wasn't so drunk that I don't remember the sex. I do. I hadn't plowed ANYONE that hard, that fast, the feverish and that passionately in over 10yrs. I mean... wow, I shocked myself with the performance. As the ball dropped all I could do was lay my head on his chest and cry. This is our last New Years Eve together.
Of course as expected but slightly different he sent mixed messages of his own. Shortly after our second trist he says, "It's strange, by this time next year I may be someones collared slave.". Ummmm... don't fuck me then say shit like that. Did I need to hear that? No. Did I need to know that he was seeking that type of relationship that I love him too much to give him? I guess I did need to know that. I needed to know that because even tho I fucked the daylights out of him (I was VERY rough, very dominant and very intimidating... even a lil' choking... it got intense) that I still could not go to the frontier he needs to go to. I guess I did need to know that. I guess I needed to know that despite all that is good/was good about our relationship, there will always be this big threat going against us both. His needs versus My needs which are on opposite sides of the spectrum. His desires are something he didn't ever deal with and they were strong enough to warrant infidelity. My desires and my torn down sense of self are things that were driving me away and had me ALMOST screw someone else.
These are things we need to work out before entering a relationship with someone else. I need to make like Stella and get my groove back, he needs to make like a gimp and be caged and tortured.
I think we can be friends after we get over the break up. Our friendship is very important. For 10yrs we had been best friends. We shall see how the time will heal us. I can only hope for the best for him. Hope that he remains safe and sane, doesn't incur too many physical scars from his 'quest'.
Happy New Year Chulos! Let's all hope 2008 will bring prosperity and a new heart!
-Daemian
Sunday, December 30, 2007
The Other Side of The Coin...
So... much like I promised I have had Mike answer the question that has been requested. Without further ado...
Saturday, December 29, 2007
One Last Weekend...
So here I am, Saturday... so far all I have done is lecture Mike on the mistakes he is making. He makes the same mistakes over and over again. He is too smart for this. I don't know if he is trying to make me worry to get me to stay. I don't know if he is really just oblivious to these mistakes. But I can see him making the same mistakes, it is like watching a giant brain ram itself into a brick wall over and over again trying to get to the other side. Instead of just using the fucking door to his right.
This is our last weekend together. We have not... "done the nasty"... and I don't think we will. It will just confuse the situation and send mixed messages to us both. I can see it now, he's over there looking at other people personals. Gets hot for them then tries to come on to me. During the act he'd say how much he loved me and wishes I weren't leaving. Then after, he'd go back to looking at other peoples personals and sending them emails right here in front of me. No.
I have to now force myself to not give a shit. It is his life. Tho I ultimately want him to be happy... I can't make him take steps towards that happiness. I can't protect him and I have to let go of the idea that somehow I can still protect him. This Hero Complex can be a real mind fuck sometimes. It is like watching an old lady crossing the road against the light, a huge car barreling towards her, and not taking any action on my part to save her. But he is an adult, he can make his own decisions... and if it gets him hurt or maimed or otherwise end badly... that will have to be his own cross to bare. I can not carry it for him.
Our last weekend together... 10yrs of weekends ends tomorrow. I am unsure of how I feel about this. There are a whole host of emotions I have never felt before. I don't quite know what to do with them. So all I want to do is hit things. But anger management has taught me a few things about dealing with feelings... so hopefully I won't be walking around looking for a reason to beat people up. I am a better person now than I was 10 years ago and my self control is exemplary. Hell I made it through the holiday at work without having to threaten a coworker that was a complete asshole the entire month.
I am going to be ok. I figured out my self esteem conflict. I have come to realize that as a teenager I had built my entire concept of self esteem on the basis that I was a good lover. I learned all sorts of tricks and built stamina and longevity and learned to be an attentive lover and a damn good kisser. Some of that came naturally, latino heat papi chulos.... but more of it came from learning. I had heard so many good things from people after sex, more than enough of them couldn't get enough. My ego had grown tremendously as did my sense of self and confidence. This relationship slowly stripped it all away. 6 months of no sex at all. 9 years and 6 months of sexual rejection from the partner who said he loved me. We'd have sex 1 time a month at BEST. I would get shut down 30 days of the month. I have come to see that basing my sense of self on my sexual performance, my attractiveness to other etc... was a mistake. I was also a teenager and was prone to foolish mistakes. This time around I have to do it differently. I have to tell myself I am sexxy, confident, smart, a good fucker and a good kisser along with being a good, honorable person. I have to want me first. Funny thing, I seem... in true Daemian fashion... to be speeding towards it. So I don't think it will take much more than a couple of weeks of dancing to get myself back. ;)
Self esteem, self worth... it's all so strange that we can be torn down by an idea. Well, it is time to own that idea so that no one can tear it down. I am cute, I am funny, I am sexxy, I am smart, I am a good and honorable person.
Screw what the world thinks! It's all about me now.
-Daemian
This is our last weekend together. We have not... "done the nasty"... and I don't think we will. It will just confuse the situation and send mixed messages to us both. I can see it now, he's over there looking at other people personals. Gets hot for them then tries to come on to me. During the act he'd say how much he loved me and wishes I weren't leaving. Then after, he'd go back to looking at other peoples personals and sending them emails right here in front of me. No.
I have to now force myself to not give a shit. It is his life. Tho I ultimately want him to be happy... I can't make him take steps towards that happiness. I can't protect him and I have to let go of the idea that somehow I can still protect him. This Hero Complex can be a real mind fuck sometimes. It is like watching an old lady crossing the road against the light, a huge car barreling towards her, and not taking any action on my part to save her. But he is an adult, he can make his own decisions... and if it gets him hurt or maimed or otherwise end badly... that will have to be his own cross to bare. I can not carry it for him.
Our last weekend together... 10yrs of weekends ends tomorrow. I am unsure of how I feel about this. There are a whole host of emotions I have never felt before. I don't quite know what to do with them. So all I want to do is hit things. But anger management has taught me a few things about dealing with feelings... so hopefully I won't be walking around looking for a reason to beat people up. I am a better person now than I was 10 years ago and my self control is exemplary. Hell I made it through the holiday at work without having to threaten a coworker that was a complete asshole the entire month.
I am going to be ok. I figured out my self esteem conflict. I have come to realize that as a teenager I had built my entire concept of self esteem on the basis that I was a good lover. I learned all sorts of tricks and built stamina and longevity and learned to be an attentive lover and a damn good kisser. Some of that came naturally, latino heat papi chulos.... but more of it came from learning. I had heard so many good things from people after sex, more than enough of them couldn't get enough. My ego had grown tremendously as did my sense of self and confidence. This relationship slowly stripped it all away. 6 months of no sex at all. 9 years and 6 months of sexual rejection from the partner who said he loved me. We'd have sex 1 time a month at BEST. I would get shut down 30 days of the month. I have come to see that basing my sense of self on my sexual performance, my attractiveness to other etc... was a mistake. I was also a teenager and was prone to foolish mistakes. This time around I have to do it differently. I have to tell myself I am sexxy, confident, smart, a good fucker and a good kisser along with being a good, honorable person. I have to want me first. Funny thing, I seem... in true Daemian fashion... to be speeding towards it. So I don't think it will take much more than a couple of weeks of dancing to get myself back. ;)
Self esteem, self worth... it's all so strange that we can be torn down by an idea. Well, it is time to own that idea so that no one can tear it down. I am cute, I am funny, I am sexxy, I am smart, I am a good and honorable person.
Screw what the world thinks! It's all about me now.
-Daemian
Thursday, December 27, 2007
It's The Final Countdown...
So we are coming to a fast end of my era here. Tomorrow is my last day with K&D. Unfortunately they have not found a replacement for me. What did they expect? I came here and took the crummy pay because I was desperate. I had been out of work for a long time and tho my landlord was very patient with us, I knew the patience was wearing thin. So I took a job as their Mac Tech for 14.50 an hour. Ouch. They got more than they had anticipated tho. I am also a graphic designer and tend to have a way with electronics. I am also very versatile in what I can do. Before I knew it my job description had grown to something mythic.
So in looking for my replacement I had to post the job on Craig's List as I saw fit. I gave a full run down of my duties, of employer expectations etc... we got resumes from people who won't do the job for below 50k. YES BITCHES... 50 FUCKIN' K!
Did I sell myself short or what?
We had 2 prospects that the company could actually afford. Neither of them want the job. This is bad for them but may work in my favor. I may end up working remotely for K&D. Given this is a Mac based store... it will actually be easy and would be a damn good source of cash for the Mass. base standard of living. So we shall see how that goes.
So tomorrow is my last day. I have trained the shipping X-Mas helper fully in the shipping system so that is taken care of. Graphic Design... I think I will be stuck with K&D for a long time with that. It is so hard to find a tech that can also do graphic design these days.
These last 2 days are strange. I never left a job this way before. I am leaving here without having people, the ones that matter, hate me or fire me nor am I quitting because they are trying to screw me. So this is a very different dynamic and only illustrates the method in which I am breaking up with Mike. We don't hate each other.
As these are my last two days of work it could only mean something else. This will be my last weekend with Mike. I dunno what we should do this last weekend. His plan is to basically keep me bare assed and to have as much sex as possible. I don't know if that is such a good idea. It is hard enough to leave as it is, wouldn't a weekend of unbridled sex make that harder to do? Perhaps that is his plan. To make it harder, not that I blame him. I did not give up easily... why should he give up easily? If he knows the way to my heart is a good fuck... then why not use it? I would.
The 3rd of January is coming quickly. We have a shit ton of cleaning to do so I can actually find my shit. I have a shit ton of packing to do, well not really... but packing sucks regardless of the volume. It is going to be hard to go through some of the items, a lot of shit we bought for each other... memories... a lot of shit we bought for US... I think I will let him keep most everything. I am the one leaving, I should be the one who has to start over. So I have to gather my clothes, including the gay superhero shirts Mike made for me... feeds my hero complex, my video games for the PS2 and Game Cube, my consoles, my computer and my statues of Buddha.
I am actually feeling better about my decision. I keep reiterating to Mike that he should not sleep around to hide the pain. That he should allow himself to feel it and get over it. I don't want him to do to someone else what he did to me. Our first year together, 2 years after his first love, and he was still citing that being with me felt like he was cheating on his ex of 2yrs. Yeah... I don't want him to do that to someone else about me. Lessons need to be learned. He tried to screw his way to better mental health before and it did not work out for him. It almost ended our relationship before it began. So with that, I hope he takes care of his mind before he whores around. After your mind is right and you want to whore around... fine. But to do it to hide the pain only to bring that pain to your next relationship is a bad thing.
But, all of that being said... I am not too worried about him anymore. I have been reading my Zen books and trying to learn to detach. To a degree it is working. I did do a video, but it is for his eyes only to be seen after I am gone. Sorry chulos... you can't see it. I will do another video blog before I leave NYC. A few have asked that Mike answers the question on how we lasted so long. I think that will be the next vBlog. It will be a video of he and I and I think we will just
have him answer the question from his point of view... but in a past tense. Just because we are over NOW does not mean we didn't do something amazing. 10yrs chulos... that's a long time. So you guys can look forward to that. My next vBlog after that will be from my new home in MA.
I am excited, sad and terrified. I'd be a fool if I weren't scared, a bigger fool if I wasn't sad and a titan of a fool if I was not excited. There is an entire world of possibility out there that did not exist as long as Mike and I remained. New things to do, new people to do, new experiences to have and a new me to find. From 18 til now I have been US. Now it is time to find 'Me'. To grow up beyond what I have so far, which is a lot. Time to be 20 something while I am still 20 something. The jealousy is actually leaving me. Sort of interesting. As I am detaching I am finding myself having a different mode of thought. Not so sad, not so angry, not so jealous. I still feel those things, but in a much smaller quantity.
So this is the final countdown. 1 day left at work and 6 days left in NYC. I have butterflies in my stomach. Bad and good.
-Daemian
So in looking for my replacement I had to post the job on Craig's List as I saw fit. I gave a full run down of my duties, of employer expectations etc... we got resumes from people who won't do the job for below 50k. YES BITCHES... 50 FUCKIN' K!
Did I sell myself short or what?
We had 2 prospects that the company could actually afford. Neither of them want the job. This is bad for them but may work in my favor. I may end up working remotely for K&D. Given this is a Mac based store... it will actually be easy and would be a damn good source of cash for the Mass. base standard of living. So we shall see how that goes.
So tomorrow is my last day. I have trained the shipping X-Mas helper fully in the shipping system so that is taken care of. Graphic Design... I think I will be stuck with K&D for a long time with that. It is so hard to find a tech that can also do graphic design these days.
These last 2 days are strange. I never left a job this way before. I am leaving here without having people, the ones that matter, hate me or fire me nor am I quitting because they are trying to screw me. So this is a very different dynamic and only illustrates the method in which I am breaking up with Mike. We don't hate each other.
As these are my last two days of work it could only mean something else. This will be my last weekend with Mike. I dunno what we should do this last weekend. His plan is to basically keep me bare assed and to have as much sex as possible. I don't know if that is such a good idea. It is hard enough to leave as it is, wouldn't a weekend of unbridled sex make that harder to do? Perhaps that is his plan. To make it harder, not that I blame him. I did not give up easily... why should he give up easily? If he knows the way to my heart is a good fuck... then why not use it? I would.
The 3rd of January is coming quickly. We have a shit ton of cleaning to do so I can actually find my shit. I have a shit ton of packing to do, well not really... but packing sucks regardless of the volume. It is going to be hard to go through some of the items, a lot of shit we bought for each other... memories... a lot of shit we bought for US... I think I will let him keep most everything. I am the one leaving, I should be the one who has to start over. So I have to gather my clothes, including the gay superhero shirts Mike made for me... feeds my hero complex, my video games for the PS2 and Game Cube, my consoles, my computer and my statues of Buddha.
I am actually feeling better about my decision. I keep reiterating to Mike that he should not sleep around to hide the pain. That he should allow himself to feel it and get over it. I don't want him to do to someone else what he did to me. Our first year together, 2 years after his first love, and he was still citing that being with me felt like he was cheating on his ex of 2yrs. Yeah... I don't want him to do that to someone else about me. Lessons need to be learned. He tried to screw his way to better mental health before and it did not work out for him. It almost ended our relationship before it began. So with that, I hope he takes care of his mind before he whores around. After your mind is right and you want to whore around... fine. But to do it to hide the pain only to bring that pain to your next relationship is a bad thing.
But, all of that being said... I am not too worried about him anymore. I have been reading my Zen books and trying to learn to detach. To a degree it is working. I did do a video, but it is for his eyes only to be seen after I am gone. Sorry chulos... you can't see it. I will do another video blog before I leave NYC. A few have asked that Mike answers the question on how we lasted so long. I think that will be the next vBlog. It will be a video of he and I and I think we will just
have him answer the question from his point of view... but in a past tense. Just because we are over NOW does not mean we didn't do something amazing. 10yrs chulos... that's a long time. So you guys can look forward to that. My next vBlog after that will be from my new home in MA.
I am excited, sad and terrified. I'd be a fool if I weren't scared, a bigger fool if I wasn't sad and a titan of a fool if I was not excited. There is an entire world of possibility out there that did not exist as long as Mike and I remained. New things to do, new people to do, new experiences to have and a new me to find. From 18 til now I have been US. Now it is time to find 'Me'. To grow up beyond what I have so far, which is a lot. Time to be 20 something while I am still 20 something. The jealousy is actually leaving me. Sort of interesting. As I am detaching I am finding myself having a different mode of thought. Not so sad, not so angry, not so jealous. I still feel those things, but in a much smaller quantity.
So this is the final countdown. 1 day left at work and 6 days left in NYC. I have butterflies in my stomach. Bad and good.
-Daemian
Monday, December 24, 2007
Holiday!
Happy Holidays Chulos!
I hope everyone has a great holiday and that Santa left you all the hot studs you could handle under the tree.... complete with bows.
Mike is away with his family this holiday and tomorrow I go down to Jersey to be with my own family. To be totally honest, I feel better not having him around as a constant reminder of next weeks events. I slept well, jerked off a few times had full run of the place. I think my moving away will be for the best and will only speed up my healing from this whole ordeal. Granted there is the lingering fear that I am going to move and find that I can't live without him. But my boss gave me some advice... he said... as long as you still breath, you can live without him. Don't let this ruin all that you have going for you, because then you will blame that failure on the break up.
He is right, then he gave me a big bear hug and wished me luck. (He is on vacation this week and won't be here to see me off for my last day on Friday. He is my favorite person in the entire store. He was the one who hired me.
Apparently I will be getting my bonus before I leave... YAY! I need all the money I can gather.
This may not have been the jolliest of holiday seasons for me... but in interest of goodwill towards men and all that jazz... I'll smile for the day... and with that I shall say...
...Merry Christmas to all and to all a good lay!
I hope everyone has a great holiday and that Santa left you all the hot studs you could handle under the tree.... complete with bows.
Mike is away with his family this holiday and tomorrow I go down to Jersey to be with my own family. To be totally honest, I feel better not having him around as a constant reminder of next weeks events. I slept well, jerked off a few times had full run of the place. I think my moving away will be for the best and will only speed up my healing from this whole ordeal. Granted there is the lingering fear that I am going to move and find that I can't live without him. But my boss gave me some advice... he said... as long as you still breath, you can live without him. Don't let this ruin all that you have going for you, because then you will blame that failure on the break up.
He is right, then he gave me a big bear hug and wished me luck. (He is on vacation this week and won't be here to see me off for my last day on Friday. He is my favorite person in the entire store. He was the one who hired me.
Apparently I will be getting my bonus before I leave... YAY! I need all the money I can gather.
This may not have been the jolliest of holiday seasons for me... but in interest of goodwill towards men and all that jazz... I'll smile for the day... and with that I shall say...
...Merry Christmas to all and to all a good lay!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
All It Takes...
Sometimes all it takes is a little pampering and a slight shift of power to make you feel SOOOOOOOOOO much better.
I went and got a haircut this morning and damn... I feel good. It's amazing how something as small as a haircut can change your entire mood and mode of behavior. I feel sexier. I feel happier. Such a simple thing. Throw in a slight shift in power, upon realizing that I could do as Mike does and hurt him just as bad... I decided that instead of me worrying about what he'll be doing on a day like this when I have to work and he doesn't... I'll give him something to worry about. I hate games but if he wants to play we can play. Hopefully he doesn't want to play. Either way... I don't feel so down today. Immediately after the hair cut I felt great!
Now to find a suitable barber shop in Worcester! I can feel like a sexy beast all the time!
Almost forgot, does not hurt to get a wink from a hot fucker on the way to work either. It's going to go right to my head, I know it.
-Daemian
I went and got a haircut this morning and damn... I feel good. It's amazing how something as small as a haircut can change your entire mood and mode of behavior. I feel sexier. I feel happier. Such a simple thing. Throw in a slight shift in power, upon realizing that I could do as Mike does and hurt him just as bad... I decided that instead of me worrying about what he'll be doing on a day like this when I have to work and he doesn't... I'll give him something to worry about. I hate games but if he wants to play we can play. Hopefully he doesn't want to play. Either way... I don't feel so down today. Immediately after the hair cut I felt great!
Now to find a suitable barber shop in Worcester! I can feel like a sexy beast all the time!
Almost forgot, does not hurt to get a wink from a hot fucker on the way to work either. It's going to go right to my head, I know it.
-Daemian
Friday, December 21, 2007
Anger...
My sorrow has turned to anger. Mike and I do frequent common web forums. As I was reading his biolog I get to read the lie. I won't say what the lie is, all I will say is that I have never seen this side of him before. Could he lie? Sure... but I never thought he would nor could do that to me. He lied about me and us. No matter now. I guess I have to stop caring. I am so fucking angry right now.
He won't say what the catalyst was.
In fact makes it sound like he some quirk I can't deal and am running away with my tail between my legs. I just can't believe this. The anger just makes me want to be vindictive.
I have been becoming increasingly more hostile to the outside world. Mostly, I guess, it's because I don't know what else to do with the hurt. But now anger... I know what I normally do with it, but with all that is going on all I feel is the need to hit something.
I hope I don't revert to former behaviors. I have to get a better hold of myself.
Not good.
-Daemian
He won't say what the catalyst was.
In fact makes it sound like he some quirk I can't deal and am running away with my tail between my legs. I just can't believe this. The anger just makes me want to be vindictive.
I have been becoming increasingly more hostile to the outside world. Mostly, I guess, it's because I don't know what else to do with the hurt. But now anger... I know what I normally do with it, but with all that is going on all I feel is the need to hit something.
I hope I don't revert to former behaviors. I have to get a better hold of myself.
Not good.
-Daemian
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Just Want to Scream...
It has been a most insane month for me as you can gather. Between the break up, living with my ex and work all I want to do is scream. I mean it is slow here for me for the moment. I have not taken a lunch break in 2 weeks! This is not even my lunch break, this is just 5 minutes of peace. My smoking has come back full force. I am so bad at dealing with my anger in times like these, so I have been smoking like a chimney. How does one expect me to work on 2 different projects at the exact same time without making ANY mistakes? Am I to grow another set of arms?
I have been coming in at an odd hour of rush hour in which the trains decide to slow down and every stop means more and more people. I mean, they want to raise the fare yet again and we are still dealing with the crap they promised to fix after the first are hike. I mean really... makes me just want to scream.
Then I have to deal with the people at work who can't seem to wipe their own asses. I mean... how do they live without their mothers? It's insane. I can't stand when people are shown something or a procedure 10 times and still can't grasp the concept. Even worse is when they refuse to help themselves.
Makes me just want to scream.
Well... that was cathartic. I feel better now.
-Daemian
I have been coming in at an odd hour of rush hour in which the trains decide to slow down and every stop means more and more people. I mean, they want to raise the fare yet again and we are still dealing with the crap they promised to fix after the first are hike. I mean really... makes me just want to scream.
Then I have to deal with the people at work who can't seem to wipe their own asses. I mean... how do they live without their mothers? It's insane. I can't stand when people are shown something or a procedure 10 times and still can't grasp the concept. Even worse is when they refuse to help themselves.
Makes me just want to scream.
Well... that was cathartic. I feel better now.
-Daemian
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