You know, sometimes a healthy event can scare the living shit out of you. I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom, came back to bed, got up again when I could not get to sleep, had a smoke, came back inside, fixed the wi-fi network and then it hit me. So far every time I go out for a smoke I think about Mike. I didn't think about him this time. I slept through the night, with not a dream about him. Does this mean I am really detaching? I read one of his emails he sent to me and instead of tearing up... I was able to just read it. I think it is too soon to talk to him on the phone for fear of a healing wound being re-opened.
Does this mean I no longer love him? Of course not. I will always love him. Does this mean I am done hurting? I mean I did spend one month actually being single, I found out the person I became. I realize what it is I need in my life right now. I expect a relationship to be something uplifting. I expect to feel love when I see someone, not anger or resentment. I expect emotional openness. Emotions do not consist of just anger and happiness, there is a broad range and I need someone who can readily express them all to me. I am an emotional guy and expect emotional support. Let me in and I will be yours. I need encouragement. I am in a very volatile position right now having to start over from scratch. So I have to relearn how to depend on others for help. The last thing I want to do is to have to call mom and beg for cash. It takes a bit of pride swallowing to do that. I need someone who can put my mind at ease about it, to let me know it is ok to ask for help. That it doesn't change who I am or how they see me. I need someone who CAN be there for me... do not forsake me and I am yours.
Right now I don't want to be me. I need someone who will help me want to be me. (I tend to get depressed easily and I recognize that so don't think I am going to go jumping off a bridge) It's not the time to break down and I need someone in my life that can help lift me... not refuse to lift me.
His problems needs to be our problems. Be there to lift me and I will be there to lift you. I want to be able to freely show my love and all I have to offer. I don't want to be ashamed of my body, my face, my problems. I want to give someone the power to be great. I want to give someone the power to enhance my happiness, not looking for someone to MAKE me happy... only I can do that.
Does that person even exist? I hope so.
God I am such a hopeless romantic. A single rose and a stolen kiss... a stroke on the nape of the neck, an opened door, a lite for my cigarette, a look in my eyes.
I liked being in a relationship... regardless of how unhealthy it was.. I enjoyed the companionship, conversation etc.. I know that the person I became is someone who NEEDS to give love. I am someone that wants and needs someone to love. I don't quite like being single. I do like having living spaces be separate, but I don't like not having someone to express my feelings to. Someone to share my deepest desires and secrets. So scary realization right there is that I am a Cancer. A family man, a homebody... someone who can administer an immeasurable amount of pelasure and love to those I care about. Being single does not suit me and I realize now that it never did. That is the reason I was a slutty teenager and wanted to experience it all so I could settle down early and be happy with someone for a longer period of time.
I am a wounded animal that is having a surprisingly speedy recovery, and the scariest realization was that... I am fine.
-Daemian
2 comments:
Wow - you and Girl Gone Green both need to stop overthinking everything so much these days!
I must comment, though, that despite concluding this post with "I am fine" the majority doesn't sound too positive.
You've been single for one month, out of your entire adult life. I think you need to embrace it a little longer before running back into a safety zone.
Also, be careful of the difference between 'wanting' someone to lean on, and 'needing' someone to lean on. Needy gets annoying, and can ruin a relationship. That's part of this being single exercise!
But, you have made great progress, and I applaud your bravery to take this plunge. And I will help convince you to take your mom's money if you want me to!
While yes I did use the word need a lot, it was mostly for a dramatic effect. Using the word 'want' felt rather selfish and being selfish is something that I was always told was not a good thing as a child. So I avoided it's use.
Over analyzing myself and situations is just what I do. I always have. Character flaw I guess. But I have a shit ton of character graces that outweigh the flaws. Thankfully.
Being single just isn't for me. Truth be told, after talking with you on the phone... the reason I guess I never mentioned Mayan was because I felt like a slut. It was empty... meaningless... hollow.
Yes a relationship is a safe zone. There is safety in having just 1 sexual partner, both emotionally and physically. To touch a cliché... I am not like other guys. I am wired differently... either via upbringing or genetics I am just wired differently.
I am a family man, someone who is most comfortable when sharing his life with someone. That is why I spent my adult life in a relationship, albeit an unhealthy one. I want to experience a relationship that is different now.
I want to give myself over to someone deserving and actually have them return the favor.
The post was not overly positive... but the ending is what really matters. The ending of 'I am fine'. Which does scare me. I feel like I should not be fine. Like I said I am prone to bouts of depression... this is mostly my allowing myself to feel my negativity... experience it and let it go. Thats something the doctors when I was kid thought I needed medication for but turns out I didn't. It's just part of who I am. MY emotions run a gamut and I feel I must express them all.
I know I don't need anyone to make me happy. That is my job.
But maybe you are correct. Maybe I need another month of being single. I don't like taking chances tho. So I will be single and my right hand with be my boyfriend, unless I can figure out a way to build a meaningful relationship without being in a relationship. Is that even possible? To enjoy someones company, enjoy someones sex, enjoy someone period and still remain 'single'?
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