I finally gots me interwebz. Wooha!!!
So I now have a couch, a loveseat and a huge 42" LCD HD TV! Dear lord. My apartment is slowly coming together. I have to start thinking about the walls and actually decorating. Gayness here I come!
It felt good to be back in World of Warcraft. The new patch is fun. It builds so much anticipation for the Wrath of the Lich King.
Next Friday is my Halloween / Housewarming Party. Can't wait, it should be fun. Co-Workers, friends... Homos and Heteros having fun together. What next? Dogs fucking Cats?
I am going to see my family the first week of November for my vacation. I have to make sure I hit NYC to have lunch with Walter, to drop off the keys to the old apartment with Mike and pick up a few things I left behind in the old apartment. At first I was apprehensive about this prospect but at this point I am just fine with it.
My Joey.... I got my groove back. IT is an interesting thing going on. I let my guard down and decided to allow myself to love someone again. I am scared shitless about it. I know that in doing so I have given him the power to hurt me. I don't ever want to get hurt again. But I decided that I want to live life. I can't truly live life if I don't allow myself attachment. I am in love. How do I know? A few key events. I miss him when he is gone, I am genuinely happy when I see him and... drum roll please.... I let him Top me. I enjoyed being topped more emotionally that I did physically. Physically it does nothing for me... but emotionally it felt fantastic. I enjoyed it so much because it was with him. I know that eventually this have to end. Either in death or in break up. Nothing lasts forever. I just hope this doesn't end too soon.
Showing posts with label more gay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label more gay. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
The One With a Soul Suddenly Becomes Soul-less...
I am sorry that it has been a while since I have last posted. Work has been murder. Between that damn new iPhone release and Tax Free Holiday I have been balls deep in tech support.
It is interesting to see how time changes. It is even more interesting to watch time change you and not have the soul to correct a damaged heart. Perhaps I am still heart broken, too heart broken to stop the changes I am witnessing within myself. I must admit that I am becoming jaded. Not bitter... just jaded. Funny enough the more flippant, nonchalant, egotistical, jaded and soul-less I become the more the hot guys seem to want me. And not just want me, but want to date me. I have tried dating and have come to the conclusion that romantic love is a farce. A trick of the mind. A chemical reaction that forces one to give up everything for someone else. To give 110% to someone who may or may not return the favor. I am not mad at life... life has been rather good to me. Lucky in life even. But love is on my shit list. Romantic love. As such I have done to myself what I have sworn I would not do. I am becoming one of those fags that use other men for sex and is more than content to be by himself. I hadn't lost all hope until recently. Perhaps it is the way I have been treated, perhaps it is who I have always been and just chose to not accept it. This isn't a blog post to bitch. It is merely to express my current state of mind.
I have become cold and I am to stubborn, too lazy or too heartbroken to change it.
It really hit me last night. I had this hot guy over... and I mean fucking hot. He was about 5'10, Blond with stunning blue eyes. An ass that was tight yet could be relaxed to keep one pelvis feeling good, ready and able. We had a great night. I mean it was worth every drop of sweat that we let out. In the end I told him I would love to see him again. As I am not looking to be a slut and would like something more steady. He then said, "I would love to, but I am unable to date you." To which my response was, "*laughter* Hon... I don't want to date you. I just want to fuck you.". The look on his face was one of disappointment. As if he was really just playing hard to get and was upset that I was not playing into the game. Perhaps he was just used to every trick he has falling in love with him and I for once did not. Who knows... but what I do know is that in that instant... that moment in time... I had lost my soul.
I woke up this morning rather cold, flippant and arrogant about the day that lay before me. I can almost predict exactly what will come, how I will handle it and that I will do it with style. I guess I have always been self centered, perhaps that is why Mike and I crumbled. Although he had all of me I don't think he truly knew it nor felt it. I don't have to worry about making that mistake again. I know I hurt him more than he hurt me when I broke up with him. I had always threatened it but never did it. When it was real this time I know it crushed him. I did it because of how I felt. It was always about me. Well I do see. I am all about me and I am either too lazy, too stubborn, too arrogant or too heartbroken to change it. I don't need to be fixed.
- D
It is interesting to see how time changes. It is even more interesting to watch time change you and not have the soul to correct a damaged heart. Perhaps I am still heart broken, too heart broken to stop the changes I am witnessing within myself. I must admit that I am becoming jaded. Not bitter... just jaded. Funny enough the more flippant, nonchalant, egotistical, jaded and soul-less I become the more the hot guys seem to want me. And not just want me, but want to date me. I have tried dating and have come to the conclusion that romantic love is a farce. A trick of the mind. A chemical reaction that forces one to give up everything for someone else. To give 110% to someone who may or may not return the favor. I am not mad at life... life has been rather good to me. Lucky in life even. But love is on my shit list. Romantic love. As such I have done to myself what I have sworn I would not do. I am becoming one of those fags that use other men for sex and is more than content to be by himself. I hadn't lost all hope until recently. Perhaps it is the way I have been treated, perhaps it is who I have always been and just chose to not accept it. This isn't a blog post to bitch. It is merely to express my current state of mind.
I have become cold and I am to stubborn, too lazy or too heartbroken to change it.
It really hit me last night. I had this hot guy over... and I mean fucking hot. He was about 5'10, Blond with stunning blue eyes. An ass that was tight yet could be relaxed to keep one pelvis feeling good, ready and able. We had a great night. I mean it was worth every drop of sweat that we let out. In the end I told him I would love to see him again. As I am not looking to be a slut and would like something more steady. He then said, "I would love to, but I am unable to date you." To which my response was, "*laughter* Hon... I don't want to date you. I just want to fuck you.". The look on his face was one of disappointment. As if he was really just playing hard to get and was upset that I was not playing into the game. Perhaps he was just used to every trick he has falling in love with him and I for once did not. Who knows... but what I do know is that in that instant... that moment in time... I had lost my soul.
I woke up this morning rather cold, flippant and arrogant about the day that lay before me. I can almost predict exactly what will come, how I will handle it and that I will do it with style. I guess I have always been self centered, perhaps that is why Mike and I crumbled. Although he had all of me I don't think he truly knew it nor felt it. I don't have to worry about making that mistake again. I know I hurt him more than he hurt me when I broke up with him. I had always threatened it but never did it. When it was real this time I know it crushed him. I did it because of how I felt. It was always about me. Well I do see. I am all about me and I am either too lazy, too stubborn, too arrogant or too heartbroken to change it. I don't need to be fixed.
- D
Thursday, September 20, 2007
The Black Gay Renaissance?
In my description I mention the 'Gay Black Renassaince' and inquire as to wether I was even a part of it. It may seem like a silly question to most. I have enquired about this a lot and most people say the same thing to me. "You are Black, you are Male, you are Gay and you are NOT on the DL. How can you not be part of it?". That is all well and good, but I am so disconnected from my own community that I wouldn't fit in or be a part of it.
Where I'm coming from!
To understand why I ask the question you have to first understand how I grew up. My American home town is Hillside, New Jersey. Don't get me wrong this town did have a wide array of cultures and ethnicities represented, but it was a predominately 'white' town with one of the best, at that time, educational systems on the east coast. This was the reason for my mother moving there. She wanted to ensure us the best education possible and not just from the schools. She wanted us to understand 'white people'. My mother is a product of the civil rights for African Americans era. To her mind it was not enough to be 'as good as them'. To her mind we had to be 'better than them' in order to have a fair and equal chance. For us to do that, in her mind, we needed to be exposed to 'white America'. This exposure, she felt, would keep us from being afraid. An example of how she did not want us to be follows my sister's boyfriend's behavior. This is a guy who refuses to go anywhere that may have what he calls "too many white people.". He is afraid, tho he would never admit it, of white people. When one grows up with the spectre or "The Man" and this imaginary cosmic power "The Man" has, who could blame a semi-defeated class of people for being afraid.
So I grew up "white". This brought me to another crisis. The crisis of 'who am I'. I could not relate to my brothers and as such I withdrew from the black community. Even more so once I truly saw our view on Gay Black Men. So it is a community I never got to experience. I liken my comming out as a expression of no fear. I hadn't been exposed to the stigma of being a gay black man so I never had that instilled fear of being exposed.
Some of you may be thinking, 'Just go out and join your brothers!'. I wish I could but I don't know how. This is my own fear now coming up. I thought I was done with the need for acceptance. Apparently not.
The Black Gay Renaissance
So we come to the Black Gay Renaissance. There has been a great awakening in the Gay Black Community. Being on the DL is looked down upon, coming out is in style, gay black men are on TV and not as cracked out prostitutes. The image of the Gay Black Man is changing.
I have become a YouTube junky. It is an amazing medium. Real people can have a voice. Real people can produce a show of sorts and actually have other people listen and follow it. I recently discovered The & Show. The show may not be of the highest budget but it is damn good and amidst all the witticisms and wise cracks is a message. The show is produced by Nathan Seven Scott (Jared Shuler is no longer with the show) and talks about everything from the differences between White and Black Gay Culture to Fag Hags to Barebacking. The views are real and the delivery is entertaining. I love it. Then I discovered Noah's Arc . At first I thought it was kinda bad, low budget etc, but by the end of the second episode I was hooked. Never before have I been able to truly see myself represented on TV. So often the gay black men on TV don't have my problems. Don't have my concerns. Don't speak of me or to me. But this one did it.
There are so many things I have yet to discover about my own community. The creativity, the life, the dreams, the lonliness, the hope and the success of my community are things I am just now seeing. Perhaps it is just a matter of finally gaining the eyes to see it. I long to know my people and I am afraid of the response I will get. I fear very little in life and this one shocked me.
I am so sheltered I thought a relationship spanning more than a few hot sweaty hours was common place only to come to find that Mike and I are a rarity and that other gay couples aspire to be like us. Should I find it as my duty to be visible in the community? Will they take offense to the fact that my husband is white? Will I be well recieved? Will I come across as a pompous ass who thinks he can show people how to live?
Am I a part of the black gay renaissance? I dont feel like I am. Will just being visible as a gay couple make a difference in the minds of some who think it is not possible and have resigned to one nighters and weekend relationships? I don't know that it is even my place to do that. Who am I to judge? Will being a visible out and proud gay black man do it? I don't know. I mean I burned my closet and used the wood for kindling by the time I was 17, and was active before that. But I did not do this in the gay black community, so my experience was very different from the stories I have read and heard. Disconnected, I am.
I also sort of feel like this is a journey and discovery I must make for myself by myself. But how do I tell my man "I am going to my first ball in Harlem and would rather go alone."? I want to be there and experience the scene and feel that my husband would be too much of a distraction and a bit of a liability. Maybe that is just me being selfish, which I am prone to be from time to time. But I feel like I need to do this on my own. I need to know this community and through it get to know myself. As a people, African Americans are the only ones who have had to re-create their culture and history after slavery. We are the only people that requires a DNA test to find out what region of Africa we MOST LIKELY came from. We are lost and are finding our way. That leaves a hole in many of us. I know myself pretty damn well, but I feel a need to embrace and to know the "Neo Black Gay Culture" and to contribute to it. To be a part of something that one day may be looked back upon as a pivotal moment in what will no doubt be a historical cultural event.
I will most likely revisit this subject with less self absorbtion.
So...
Are you a part of the Black Gay Renaissance?
Where I'm coming from!
To understand why I ask the question you have to first understand how I grew up. My American home town is Hillside, New Jersey. Don't get me wrong this town did have a wide array of cultures and ethnicities represented, but it was a predominately 'white' town with one of the best, at that time, educational systems on the east coast. This was the reason for my mother moving there. She wanted to ensure us the best education possible and not just from the schools. She wanted us to understand 'white people'. My mother is a product of the civil rights for African Americans era. To her mind it was not enough to be 'as good as them'. To her mind we had to be 'better than them' in order to have a fair and equal chance. For us to do that, in her mind, we needed to be exposed to 'white America'. This exposure, she felt, would keep us from being afraid. An example of how she did not want us to be follows my sister's boyfriend's behavior. This is a guy who refuses to go anywhere that may have what he calls "too many white people.". He is afraid, tho he would never admit it, of white people. When one grows up with the spectre or "The Man" and this imaginary cosmic power "The Man" has, who could blame a semi-defeated class of people for being afraid.
So I grew up "white". This brought me to another crisis. The crisis of 'who am I'. I could not relate to my brothers and as such I withdrew from the black community. Even more so once I truly saw our view on Gay Black Men. So it is a community I never got to experience. I liken my comming out as a expression of no fear. I hadn't been exposed to the stigma of being a gay black man so I never had that instilled fear of being exposed.
Some of you may be thinking, 'Just go out and join your brothers!'. I wish I could but I don't know how. This is my own fear now coming up. I thought I was done with the need for acceptance. Apparently not.
The Black Gay Renaissance
So we come to the Black Gay Renaissance. There has been a great awakening in the Gay Black Community. Being on the DL is looked down upon, coming out is in style, gay black men are on TV and not as cracked out prostitutes. The image of the Gay Black Man is changing.
I have become a YouTube junky. It is an amazing medium. Real people can have a voice. Real people can produce a show of sorts and actually have other people listen and follow it. I recently discovered The & Show. The show may not be of the highest budget but it is damn good and amidst all the witticisms and wise cracks is a message. The show is produced by Nathan Seven Scott (Jared Shuler is no longer with the show) and talks about everything from the differences between White and Black Gay Culture to Fag Hags to Barebacking. The views are real and the delivery is entertaining. I love it. Then I discovered Noah's Arc . At first I thought it was kinda bad, low budget etc, but by the end of the second episode I was hooked. Never before have I been able to truly see myself represented on TV. So often the gay black men on TV don't have my problems. Don't have my concerns. Don't speak of me or to me. But this one did it.
There are so many things I have yet to discover about my own community. The creativity, the life, the dreams, the lonliness, the hope and the success of my community are things I am just now seeing. Perhaps it is just a matter of finally gaining the eyes to see it. I long to know my people and I am afraid of the response I will get. I fear very little in life and this one shocked me.
I am so sheltered I thought a relationship spanning more than a few hot sweaty hours was common place only to come to find that Mike and I are a rarity and that other gay couples aspire to be like us. Should I find it as my duty to be visible in the community? Will they take offense to the fact that my husband is white? Will I be well recieved? Will I come across as a pompous ass who thinks he can show people how to live?
Am I a part of the black gay renaissance? I dont feel like I am. Will just being visible as a gay couple make a difference in the minds of some who think it is not possible and have resigned to one nighters and weekend relationships? I don't know that it is even my place to do that. Who am I to judge? Will being a visible out and proud gay black man do it? I don't know. I mean I burned my closet and used the wood for kindling by the time I was 17, and was active before that. But I did not do this in the gay black community, so my experience was very different from the stories I have read and heard. Disconnected, I am.
I also sort of feel like this is a journey and discovery I must make for myself by myself. But how do I tell my man "I am going to my first ball in Harlem and would rather go alone."? I want to be there and experience the scene and feel that my husband would be too much of a distraction and a bit of a liability. Maybe that is just me being selfish, which I am prone to be from time to time. But I feel like I need to do this on my own. I need to know this community and through it get to know myself. As a people, African Americans are the only ones who have had to re-create their culture and history after slavery. We are the only people that requires a DNA test to find out what region of Africa we MOST LIKELY came from. We are lost and are finding our way. That leaves a hole in many of us. I know myself pretty damn well, but I feel a need to embrace and to know the "Neo Black Gay Culture" and to contribute to it. To be a part of something that one day may be looked back upon as a pivotal moment in what will no doubt be a historical cultural event.
I will most likely revisit this subject with less self absorbtion.
So...
Are you a part of the Black Gay Renaissance?
Monday, September 17, 2007
Deadlines Missed and Goals Forgotten
Well... I broke my ass on that Saturday Project. Had to put my clothes in the laundry that already had EVERY article of clothing I owned in it. Took a shower and called it quits for the day. So I ended up spending the rest of the day as a "nature boy". Nothing like sitting your bare ass in a chair and playing WoW.
I still have a few things left to do in the room that I will get done during the evenings this week. But I got all the old crap out. So many bags of clothes that neither I nor Mike will ever wear again.
I once had a goal to stop being a pack rat, after Saturday I can see that goal did not come to fruition either. So many bags of just crap. Why the hell did we keep it all? Sure there was a cool shirt here and a cool shirt there, but neither of us could wear them. They were either too big or too small. My cats had their way with more than a few items. EW!
I don't know what I was thinking, getting that big of a job done in a day. As if. Of course the laundry didn't get done on Saturday so... sleeping in the bare ass it is. I always feel wierd being naked in any way. I could be home all alone and I still will not walk around naked. Silly hang up I know. Maybe once I reach my tentative goal I will walk around in the buff of my own volition.
Again we come upon goals. I must end this cycle of starting something, getting really far and then giving up. It's stupid to be so damn smart and to lack the discipline to finish the things I start. Artwork, countless pieces of artwork that have never been finished. Thousands of ideas written down but never completed or followed up on.
Goals.
It is time, I think, to use some of my strength to change that part of myself. I have changed alot of things just by strength of will. I think it is time to change this. I have some goals, let's make some magic.
I still have a few things left to do in the room that I will get done during the evenings this week. But I got all the old crap out. So many bags of clothes that neither I nor Mike will ever wear again.
I once had a goal to stop being a pack rat, after Saturday I can see that goal did not come to fruition either. So many bags of just crap. Why the hell did we keep it all? Sure there was a cool shirt here and a cool shirt there, but neither of us could wear them. They were either too big or too small. My cats had their way with more than a few items. EW!
I don't know what I was thinking, getting that big of a job done in a day. As if. Of course the laundry didn't get done on Saturday so... sleeping in the bare ass it is. I always feel wierd being naked in any way. I could be home all alone and I still will not walk around naked. Silly hang up I know. Maybe once I reach my tentative goal I will walk around in the buff of my own volition.
Again we come upon goals. I must end this cycle of starting something, getting really far and then giving up. It's stupid to be so damn smart and to lack the discipline to finish the things I start. Artwork, countless pieces of artwork that have never been finished. Thousands of ideas written down but never completed or followed up on.
Goals.
It is time, I think, to use some of my strength to change that part of myself. I have changed alot of things just by strength of will. I think it is time to change this. I have some goals, let's make some magic.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
ZOMGZ 3 posts in a day!
Egad, a treat for me indeed. 3 posts in a day. Either I am terribly stoned or I just have had one hell of a day.
So an update on 'W's situation.
I spoke with 'W' on my cell as I walked home from the train station. His side of the story is more his speed. Sounds more like something that could and or would happen to someone like him. Let's just say his side places him as someone who more or less made an irresponsible, clumsy decision that turned out to not be what he intended. Essentially he had no idea about stolen goods and the cops haven't come for him... yet.
I don't know if he will still have a job, I worry about what that will do to his family and him. I just wish him luck man. Kind of a lot to take in really.
More Gay!
Myk (My 'husband' 10 years and counting) and I decided that it was time for us to stop living like frat boys in a bear cave. I mean really, c'mon we are gay men for crying out loud. Aren't we suppose to have a fly apartment and host dinner parties n' shit? I at least want the fly apartment. We had attended a wedding, the story of which I will relay and post the pictures of that I promised, that was odd but opened our eyes to something. A lot of my geek side is nurtured in the city, but even more of my naturally inquisitive and appreciatively calm side is destroyed by it.
As some of you may remember, I am a geek for a ton of different subjects. One of those subjects... astronomy/astrology. We saw a night sky like I have never seen or been able to comprehend before. It was absolutely captivating. The entire camp site was lit by the moon and the stars. I could make out constellations and planets (those we can see) with ease. The air was so crisp. But I digress... this brought both Myk and myself to the conclusion... one conclusion only. We have to leave the city.
But to where? Is a house involved? Not only big steps in any relationship but also a big step in terms of our maturity and ability to perform upkeep. I look at our apartment and ick! This along with my recent viewing pleasures seem to say I am not gay enough. That it... more gay! I mean how can we hope to upkeep a house if we can't even upkeep an apartment in Queens?
So I have a plan, and it involves Ikea. That's right bitches I said it... I - fuckin- kea. We are making the tiny as bedroom the computer room and moving the bedroom into the living room. The living room is rather large. Large enough to be sectioned into a distinct bedroom separate from the living room, yet equally accessible. *giggle* I know... my gay is showing. *giggle* I will probably edit this post later with an AI rendering of what I am going for. So I am saving my nickels and dimes. Re-tiling the floor and new furniture.
But why stop there. A ton of 'gay' paraphernalia is missing from our apartment. So we started acquiring some. Just essential things all stereotypical gay homes have. A shower attached butt-hose, The Joy of Gay Sex , a few DaVinci pictures have finally made their way into the apartment. Well we already had the DaVinci pictures. What other "gay" things should be in a home? Leave me a comment give me some advice. Help a gay frat boy on the verge of 30 grow up and queer up a bit.
Hottie of the Day Remember this? It's baaaacccckkkk. Yes I will be doing my "Hottie of the Day" thing again.
Here is todays Hottie:
Gregory Kieth, he plays Alex's hot ass boyfriend on Noah's Arc
So an update on 'W's situation.
I spoke with 'W' on my cell as I walked home from the train station. His side of the story is more his speed. Sounds more like something that could and or would happen to someone like him. Let's just say his side places him as someone who more or less made an irresponsible, clumsy decision that turned out to not be what he intended. Essentially he had no idea about stolen goods and the cops haven't come for him... yet.
I don't know if he will still have a job, I worry about what that will do to his family and him. I just wish him luck man. Kind of a lot to take in really.
More Gay!
Myk (My 'husband' 10 years and counting) and I decided that it was time for us to stop living like frat boys in a bear cave. I mean really, c'mon we are gay men for crying out loud. Aren't we suppose to have a fly apartment and host dinner parties n' shit? I at least want the fly apartment. We had attended a wedding, the story of which I will relay and post the pictures of that I promised, that was odd but opened our eyes to something. A lot of my geek side is nurtured in the city, but even more of my naturally inquisitive and appreciatively calm side is destroyed by it.
As some of you may remember, I am a geek for a ton of different subjects. One of those subjects... astronomy/astrology. We saw a night sky like I have never seen or been able to comprehend before. It was absolutely captivating. The entire camp site was lit by the moon and the stars. I could make out constellations and planets (those we can see) with ease. The air was so crisp. But I digress... this brought both Myk and myself to the conclusion... one conclusion only. We have to leave the city.
But to where? Is a house involved? Not only big steps in any relationship but also a big step in terms of our maturity and ability to perform upkeep. I look at our apartment and ick! This along with my recent viewing pleasures seem to say I am not gay enough. That it... more gay! I mean how can we hope to upkeep a house if we can't even upkeep an apartment in Queens?
So I have a plan, and it involves Ikea. That's right bitches I said it... I - fuckin- kea. We are making the tiny as bedroom the computer room and moving the bedroom into the living room. The living room is rather large. Large enough to be sectioned into a distinct bedroom separate from the living room, yet equally accessible. *giggle* I know... my gay is showing. *giggle* I will probably edit this post later with an AI rendering of what I am going for. So I am saving my nickels and dimes. Re-tiling the floor and new furniture.
But why stop there. A ton of 'gay' paraphernalia is missing from our apartment. So we started acquiring some. Just essential things all stereotypical gay homes have. A shower attached butt-hose, The Joy of Gay Sex , a few DaVinci pictures have finally made their way into the apartment. Well we already had the DaVinci pictures. What other "gay" things should be in a home? Leave me a comment give me some advice. Help a gay frat boy on the verge of 30 grow up and queer up a bit.
Hottie of the Day Remember this? It's baaaacccckkkk. Yes I will be doing my "Hottie of the Day" thing again.
Here is todays Hottie:
Gregory Kieth, he plays Alex's hot ass boyfriend on Noah's Arc
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