So... much like I promised I have had Mike answer the question that has been requested. Without further ado...
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
One Last Weekend...
So here I am, Saturday... so far all I have done is lecture Mike on the mistakes he is making. He makes the same mistakes over and over again. He is too smart for this. I don't know if he is trying to make me worry to get me to stay. I don't know if he is really just oblivious to these mistakes. But I can see him making the same mistakes, it is like watching a giant brain ram itself into a brick wall over and over again trying to get to the other side. Instead of just using the fucking door to his right.
This is our last weekend together. We have not... "done the nasty"... and I don't think we will. It will just confuse the situation and send mixed messages to us both. I can see it now, he's over there looking at other people personals. Gets hot for them then tries to come on to me. During the act he'd say how much he loved me and wishes I weren't leaving. Then after, he'd go back to looking at other peoples personals and sending them emails right here in front of me. No.
I have to now force myself to not give a shit. It is his life. Tho I ultimately want him to be happy... I can't make him take steps towards that happiness. I can't protect him and I have to let go of the idea that somehow I can still protect him. This Hero Complex can be a real mind fuck sometimes. It is like watching an old lady crossing the road against the light, a huge car barreling towards her, and not taking any action on my part to save her. But he is an adult, he can make his own decisions... and if it gets him hurt or maimed or otherwise end badly... that will have to be his own cross to bare. I can not carry it for him.
Our last weekend together... 10yrs of weekends ends tomorrow. I am unsure of how I feel about this. There are a whole host of emotions I have never felt before. I don't quite know what to do with them. So all I want to do is hit things. But anger management has taught me a few things about dealing with feelings... so hopefully I won't be walking around looking for a reason to beat people up. I am a better person now than I was 10 years ago and my self control is exemplary. Hell I made it through the holiday at work without having to threaten a coworker that was a complete asshole the entire month.
I am going to be ok. I figured out my self esteem conflict. I have come to realize that as a teenager I had built my entire concept of self esteem on the basis that I was a good lover. I learned all sorts of tricks and built stamina and longevity and learned to be an attentive lover and a damn good kisser. Some of that came naturally, latino heat papi chulos.... but more of it came from learning. I had heard so many good things from people after sex, more than enough of them couldn't get enough. My ego had grown tremendously as did my sense of self and confidence. This relationship slowly stripped it all away. 6 months of no sex at all. 9 years and 6 months of sexual rejection from the partner who said he loved me. We'd have sex 1 time a month at BEST. I would get shut down 30 days of the month. I have come to see that basing my sense of self on my sexual performance, my attractiveness to other etc... was a mistake. I was also a teenager and was prone to foolish mistakes. This time around I have to do it differently. I have to tell myself I am sexxy, confident, smart, a good fucker and a good kisser along with being a good, honorable person. I have to want me first. Funny thing, I seem... in true Daemian fashion... to be speeding towards it. So I don't think it will take much more than a couple of weeks of dancing to get myself back. ;)
Self esteem, self worth... it's all so strange that we can be torn down by an idea. Well, it is time to own that idea so that no one can tear it down. I am cute, I am funny, I am sexxy, I am smart, I am a good and honorable person.
Screw what the world thinks! It's all about me now.
-Daemian
This is our last weekend together. We have not... "done the nasty"... and I don't think we will. It will just confuse the situation and send mixed messages to us both. I can see it now, he's over there looking at other people personals. Gets hot for them then tries to come on to me. During the act he'd say how much he loved me and wishes I weren't leaving. Then after, he'd go back to looking at other peoples personals and sending them emails right here in front of me. No.
I have to now force myself to not give a shit. It is his life. Tho I ultimately want him to be happy... I can't make him take steps towards that happiness. I can't protect him and I have to let go of the idea that somehow I can still protect him. This Hero Complex can be a real mind fuck sometimes. It is like watching an old lady crossing the road against the light, a huge car barreling towards her, and not taking any action on my part to save her. But he is an adult, he can make his own decisions... and if it gets him hurt or maimed or otherwise end badly... that will have to be his own cross to bare. I can not carry it for him.
Our last weekend together... 10yrs of weekends ends tomorrow. I am unsure of how I feel about this. There are a whole host of emotions I have never felt before. I don't quite know what to do with them. So all I want to do is hit things. But anger management has taught me a few things about dealing with feelings... so hopefully I won't be walking around looking for a reason to beat people up. I am a better person now than I was 10 years ago and my self control is exemplary. Hell I made it through the holiday at work without having to threaten a coworker that was a complete asshole the entire month.
I am going to be ok. I figured out my self esteem conflict. I have come to realize that as a teenager I had built my entire concept of self esteem on the basis that I was a good lover. I learned all sorts of tricks and built stamina and longevity and learned to be an attentive lover and a damn good kisser. Some of that came naturally, latino heat papi chulos.... but more of it came from learning. I had heard so many good things from people after sex, more than enough of them couldn't get enough. My ego had grown tremendously as did my sense of self and confidence. This relationship slowly stripped it all away. 6 months of no sex at all. 9 years and 6 months of sexual rejection from the partner who said he loved me. We'd have sex 1 time a month at BEST. I would get shut down 30 days of the month. I have come to see that basing my sense of self on my sexual performance, my attractiveness to other etc... was a mistake. I was also a teenager and was prone to foolish mistakes. This time around I have to do it differently. I have to tell myself I am sexxy, confident, smart, a good fucker and a good kisser along with being a good, honorable person. I have to want me first. Funny thing, I seem... in true Daemian fashion... to be speeding towards it. So I don't think it will take much more than a couple of weeks of dancing to get myself back. ;)
Self esteem, self worth... it's all so strange that we can be torn down by an idea. Well, it is time to own that idea so that no one can tear it down. I am cute, I am funny, I am sexxy, I am smart, I am a good and honorable person.
Screw what the world thinks! It's all about me now.
-Daemian
Thursday, December 27, 2007
It's The Final Countdown...
So we are coming to a fast end of my era here. Tomorrow is my last day with K&D. Unfortunately they have not found a replacement for me. What did they expect? I came here and took the crummy pay because I was desperate. I had been out of work for a long time and tho my landlord was very patient with us, I knew the patience was wearing thin. So I took a job as their Mac Tech for 14.50 an hour. Ouch. They got more than they had anticipated tho. I am also a graphic designer and tend to have a way with electronics. I am also very versatile in what I can do. Before I knew it my job description had grown to something mythic.
So in looking for my replacement I had to post the job on Craig's List as I saw fit. I gave a full run down of my duties, of employer expectations etc... we got resumes from people who won't do the job for below 50k. YES BITCHES... 50 FUCKIN' K!
Did I sell myself short or what?
We had 2 prospects that the company could actually afford. Neither of them want the job. This is bad for them but may work in my favor. I may end up working remotely for K&D. Given this is a Mac based store... it will actually be easy and would be a damn good source of cash for the Mass. base standard of living. So we shall see how that goes.
So tomorrow is my last day. I have trained the shipping X-Mas helper fully in the shipping system so that is taken care of. Graphic Design... I think I will be stuck with K&D for a long time with that. It is so hard to find a tech that can also do graphic design these days.
These last 2 days are strange. I never left a job this way before. I am leaving here without having people, the ones that matter, hate me or fire me nor am I quitting because they are trying to screw me. So this is a very different dynamic and only illustrates the method in which I am breaking up with Mike. We don't hate each other.
As these are my last two days of work it could only mean something else. This will be my last weekend with Mike. I dunno what we should do this last weekend. His plan is to basically keep me bare assed and to have as much sex as possible. I don't know if that is such a good idea. It is hard enough to leave as it is, wouldn't a weekend of unbridled sex make that harder to do? Perhaps that is his plan. To make it harder, not that I blame him. I did not give up easily... why should he give up easily? If he knows the way to my heart is a good fuck... then why not use it? I would.
The 3rd of January is coming quickly. We have a shit ton of cleaning to do so I can actually find my shit. I have a shit ton of packing to do, well not really... but packing sucks regardless of the volume. It is going to be hard to go through some of the items, a lot of shit we bought for each other... memories... a lot of shit we bought for US... I think I will let him keep most everything. I am the one leaving, I should be the one who has to start over. So I have to gather my clothes, including the gay superhero shirts Mike made for me... feeds my hero complex, my video games for the PS2 and Game Cube, my consoles, my computer and my statues of Buddha.
I am actually feeling better about my decision. I keep reiterating to Mike that he should not sleep around to hide the pain. That he should allow himself to feel it and get over it. I don't want him to do to someone else what he did to me. Our first year together, 2 years after his first love, and he was still citing that being with me felt like he was cheating on his ex of 2yrs. Yeah... I don't want him to do that to someone else about me. Lessons need to be learned. He tried to screw his way to better mental health before and it did not work out for him. It almost ended our relationship before it began. So with that, I hope he takes care of his mind before he whores around. After your mind is right and you want to whore around... fine. But to do it to hide the pain only to bring that pain to your next relationship is a bad thing.
But, all of that being said... I am not too worried about him anymore. I have been reading my Zen books and trying to learn to detach. To a degree it is working. I did do a video, but it is for his eyes only to be seen after I am gone. Sorry chulos... you can't see it. I will do another video blog before I leave NYC. A few have asked that Mike answers the question on how we lasted so long. I think that will be the next vBlog. It will be a video of he and I and I think we will just
have him answer the question from his point of view... but in a past tense. Just because we are over NOW does not mean we didn't do something amazing. 10yrs chulos... that's a long time. So you guys can look forward to that. My next vBlog after that will be from my new home in MA.
I am excited, sad and terrified. I'd be a fool if I weren't scared, a bigger fool if I wasn't sad and a titan of a fool if I was not excited. There is an entire world of possibility out there that did not exist as long as Mike and I remained. New things to do, new people to do, new experiences to have and a new me to find. From 18 til now I have been US. Now it is time to find 'Me'. To grow up beyond what I have so far, which is a lot. Time to be 20 something while I am still 20 something. The jealousy is actually leaving me. Sort of interesting. As I am detaching I am finding myself having a different mode of thought. Not so sad, not so angry, not so jealous. I still feel those things, but in a much smaller quantity.
So this is the final countdown. 1 day left at work and 6 days left in NYC. I have butterflies in my stomach. Bad and good.
-Daemian
So in looking for my replacement I had to post the job on Craig's List as I saw fit. I gave a full run down of my duties, of employer expectations etc... we got resumes from people who won't do the job for below 50k. YES BITCHES... 50 FUCKIN' K!
Did I sell myself short or what?
We had 2 prospects that the company could actually afford. Neither of them want the job. This is bad for them but may work in my favor. I may end up working remotely for K&D. Given this is a Mac based store... it will actually be easy and would be a damn good source of cash for the Mass. base standard of living. So we shall see how that goes.
So tomorrow is my last day. I have trained the shipping X-Mas helper fully in the shipping system so that is taken care of. Graphic Design... I think I will be stuck with K&D for a long time with that. It is so hard to find a tech that can also do graphic design these days.
These last 2 days are strange. I never left a job this way before. I am leaving here without having people, the ones that matter, hate me or fire me nor am I quitting because they are trying to screw me. So this is a very different dynamic and only illustrates the method in which I am breaking up with Mike. We don't hate each other.
As these are my last two days of work it could only mean something else. This will be my last weekend with Mike. I dunno what we should do this last weekend. His plan is to basically keep me bare assed and to have as much sex as possible. I don't know if that is such a good idea. It is hard enough to leave as it is, wouldn't a weekend of unbridled sex make that harder to do? Perhaps that is his plan. To make it harder, not that I blame him. I did not give up easily... why should he give up easily? If he knows the way to my heart is a good fuck... then why not use it? I would.
The 3rd of January is coming quickly. We have a shit ton of cleaning to do so I can actually find my shit. I have a shit ton of packing to do, well not really... but packing sucks regardless of the volume. It is going to be hard to go through some of the items, a lot of shit we bought for each other... memories... a lot of shit we bought for US... I think I will let him keep most everything. I am the one leaving, I should be the one who has to start over. So I have to gather my clothes, including the gay superhero shirts Mike made for me... feeds my hero complex, my video games for the PS2 and Game Cube, my consoles, my computer and my statues of Buddha.
I am actually feeling better about my decision. I keep reiterating to Mike that he should not sleep around to hide the pain. That he should allow himself to feel it and get over it. I don't want him to do to someone else what he did to me. Our first year together, 2 years after his first love, and he was still citing that being with me felt like he was cheating on his ex of 2yrs. Yeah... I don't want him to do that to someone else about me. Lessons need to be learned. He tried to screw his way to better mental health before and it did not work out for him. It almost ended our relationship before it began. So with that, I hope he takes care of his mind before he whores around. After your mind is right and you want to whore around... fine. But to do it to hide the pain only to bring that pain to your next relationship is a bad thing.
But, all of that being said... I am not too worried about him anymore. I have been reading my Zen books and trying to learn to detach. To a degree it is working. I did do a video, but it is for his eyes only to be seen after I am gone. Sorry chulos... you can't see it. I will do another video blog before I leave NYC. A few have asked that Mike answers the question on how we lasted so long. I think that will be the next vBlog. It will be a video of he and I and I think we will just
have him answer the question from his point of view... but in a past tense. Just because we are over NOW does not mean we didn't do something amazing. 10yrs chulos... that's a long time. So you guys can look forward to that. My next vBlog after that will be from my new home in MA.
I am excited, sad and terrified. I'd be a fool if I weren't scared, a bigger fool if I wasn't sad and a titan of a fool if I was not excited. There is an entire world of possibility out there that did not exist as long as Mike and I remained. New things to do, new people to do, new experiences to have and a new me to find. From 18 til now I have been US. Now it is time to find 'Me'. To grow up beyond what I have so far, which is a lot. Time to be 20 something while I am still 20 something. The jealousy is actually leaving me. Sort of interesting. As I am detaching I am finding myself having a different mode of thought. Not so sad, not so angry, not so jealous. I still feel those things, but in a much smaller quantity.
So this is the final countdown. 1 day left at work and 6 days left in NYC. I have butterflies in my stomach. Bad and good.
-Daemian
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Oh... Holy... Shit
Now... Mike has made it no secret that he didn't like dick piercings. So the one I had I took out. But every now and then I would stick a ring through it to keep it from closing. He of course knew nothing about this. No matter now tho right? So anywho... I hadn't done it for a while and decided to go on and do it tonight. Well fuck me with a log that has rusty nails sticking out of it. The DAMN HOLE CLOSED!!! I can't get anything through it.
I wish I was joking... but I am not. The god damn hole closed up. Now... I can be an enjoyer of pain as pleasure as the next man with a serious mind fuck, but damn I don't want to have to get this sucker re-pierced and then be celibate til the damn thing heals. Damn! Oh... Holy... Shit...
What's the next best kinky thing I could do with my pecker? Maybe get a 69 (Cancer... dirty minded bitches) tattooed at the base of my shaft. That'd be hot I think. I think I need to go scream in a pillow. I can't believe the fucking hole closed.
-Daemian
I wish I was joking... but I am not. The god damn hole closed up. Now... I can be an enjoyer of pain as pleasure as the next man with a serious mind fuck, but damn I don't want to have to get this sucker re-pierced and then be celibate til the damn thing heals. Damn! Oh... Holy... Shit...
What's the next best kinky thing I could do with my pecker? Maybe get a 69 (Cancer... dirty minded bitches) tattooed at the base of my shaft. That'd be hot I think. I think I need to go scream in a pillow. I can't believe the fucking hole closed.
-Daemian
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas to My Hottie of the Year!
Now... given that Jaeryd and I think alike, very different tastes in men but we do think alike, some of you may remember my "Hottie of the Month" from my live journal site which turned into I think it was "Hottie of the Day" when I moved over here to blogger. Well dammit.. it's fucking Christmas, I am a single bitch now and my ex is not around. So what is a man to do? I know! Look at pictures of guys he thinks are hot and then the one he jerks off to wins hottie of the year.
So for the second year, not in a row, Aaron Lewis from Staind is once again my Hottie of the Year!
Pay attention people. If you are thinking of hooking me up with your friends etc... this man is EXACTLY my type. Of course I prefer the stockier photos of him, the first pic below is ok.. I like the more recent ones better. I also like stocky boys with an attitude. Give me a man that could put me in my place and make me shut up any day. He is dark, brooding, stocky, tattooed, pierced, emotional and damaged... oh my God. I want him in a bad way. I think guys that are of the same body, head shape and face type are the hottest men to walk this earth. Screw tight abs, they do nothing for me. Given I am an emotional sponge and wear my heart on my sleeve, a man like this would pwn me. I bet he would be a good aggressive bottom! Yum!
Hey I gotta get happy somehow right?
-Daemian
So for the second year, not in a row, Aaron Lewis from Staind is once again my Hottie of the Year!
Pay attention people. If you are thinking of hooking me up with your friends etc... this man is EXACTLY my type. Of course I prefer the stockier photos of him, the first pic below is ok.. I like the more recent ones better. I also like stocky boys with an attitude. Give me a man that could put me in my place and make me shut up any day. He is dark, brooding, stocky, tattooed, pierced, emotional and damaged... oh my God. I want him in a bad way. I think guys that are of the same body, head shape and face type are the hottest men to walk this earth. Screw tight abs, they do nothing for me. Given I am an emotional sponge and wear my heart on my sleeve, a man like this would pwn me. I bet he would be a good aggressive bottom! Yum!
Hey I gotta get happy somehow right?
-Daemian
Monday, December 24, 2007
Holiday!
Happy Holidays Chulos!
I hope everyone has a great holiday and that Santa left you all the hot studs you could handle under the tree.... complete with bows.
Mike is away with his family this holiday and tomorrow I go down to Jersey to be with my own family. To be totally honest, I feel better not having him around as a constant reminder of next weeks events. I slept well, jerked off a few times had full run of the place. I think my moving away will be for the best and will only speed up my healing from this whole ordeal. Granted there is the lingering fear that I am going to move and find that I can't live without him. But my boss gave me some advice... he said... as long as you still breath, you can live without him. Don't let this ruin all that you have going for you, because then you will blame that failure on the break up.
He is right, then he gave me a big bear hug and wished me luck. (He is on vacation this week and won't be here to see me off for my last day on Friday. He is my favorite person in the entire store. He was the one who hired me.
Apparently I will be getting my bonus before I leave... YAY! I need all the money I can gather.
This may not have been the jolliest of holiday seasons for me... but in interest of goodwill towards men and all that jazz... I'll smile for the day... and with that I shall say...
...Merry Christmas to all and to all a good lay!
I hope everyone has a great holiday and that Santa left you all the hot studs you could handle under the tree.... complete with bows.
Mike is away with his family this holiday and tomorrow I go down to Jersey to be with my own family. To be totally honest, I feel better not having him around as a constant reminder of next weeks events. I slept well, jerked off a few times had full run of the place. I think my moving away will be for the best and will only speed up my healing from this whole ordeal. Granted there is the lingering fear that I am going to move and find that I can't live without him. But my boss gave me some advice... he said... as long as you still breath, you can live without him. Don't let this ruin all that you have going for you, because then you will blame that failure on the break up.
He is right, then he gave me a big bear hug and wished me luck. (He is on vacation this week and won't be here to see me off for my last day on Friday. He is my favorite person in the entire store. He was the one who hired me.
Apparently I will be getting my bonus before I leave... YAY! I need all the money I can gather.
This may not have been the jolliest of holiday seasons for me... but in interest of goodwill towards men and all that jazz... I'll smile for the day... and with that I shall say...
...Merry Christmas to all and to all a good lay!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
All It Takes...
Sometimes all it takes is a little pampering and a slight shift of power to make you feel SOOOOOOOOOO much better.
I went and got a haircut this morning and damn... I feel good. It's amazing how something as small as a haircut can change your entire mood and mode of behavior. I feel sexier. I feel happier. Such a simple thing. Throw in a slight shift in power, upon realizing that I could do as Mike does and hurt him just as bad... I decided that instead of me worrying about what he'll be doing on a day like this when I have to work and he doesn't... I'll give him something to worry about. I hate games but if he wants to play we can play. Hopefully he doesn't want to play. Either way... I don't feel so down today. Immediately after the hair cut I felt great!
Now to find a suitable barber shop in Worcester! I can feel like a sexy beast all the time!
Almost forgot, does not hurt to get a wink from a hot fucker on the way to work either. It's going to go right to my head, I know it.
-Daemian
I went and got a haircut this morning and damn... I feel good. It's amazing how something as small as a haircut can change your entire mood and mode of behavior. I feel sexier. I feel happier. Such a simple thing. Throw in a slight shift in power, upon realizing that I could do as Mike does and hurt him just as bad... I decided that instead of me worrying about what he'll be doing on a day like this when I have to work and he doesn't... I'll give him something to worry about. I hate games but if he wants to play we can play. Hopefully he doesn't want to play. Either way... I don't feel so down today. Immediately after the hair cut I felt great!
Now to find a suitable barber shop in Worcester! I can feel like a sexy beast all the time!
Almost forgot, does not hurt to get a wink from a hot fucker on the way to work either. It's going to go right to my head, I know it.
-Daemian
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