Here we are... yet again. I have released him of the deal. I can't walk around worrying about it. I have been wayyyyy too preoccupied with is he honoring the deal or not. I haven't been able to sleep, eat without the use of pot or think. I can not believe the amount of fuckups I have been a part of this past month. I mean silly simple shit. Down right disgraceful.
Then if you read the last post... he'd already broken the deal.
That being said I have done a lot of thinking. I know.. bad bad bad. But I had a eureka moment. Love is great. When things are going well love can be the answer to many of life's issues. But nothing lasts forever. One way or another the love has to end. Be it by death or by a breakup.
So I am no longer mourning the loss of the relationship. Instead I am mourning the loss of my ability to love. Love don't live here anymore.
Let me qualify that, it is not about "Oh woe is me! I will never find someone to love or be loved by again!". Nope... not at all. What it is about is this. The breakup has been the most painful experience of my life. More painful than losing family members etc. So I have decided I don't WANT love. I am going to try an emotional experiment on myself. The experiment will be to close my heart off. Make it a no fly zone. Being someone ruled by his emotions, this will prove difficult indeed. But if I can manage to close my heart and maybe get a new hobby, I will never have to go through this again. So its not that I can't love again, it's that I don't want to. It is inevitable that it, love, will have to end at some point. Both methods are too painful. I guess it is coming from a point of view of being practical. I only need to touch fire once to know it is hot and to not touch it again.
-Daemian
2 comments:
Oh God... The world has seen Millions of books, songs, movies, and plays about the bitter never-loving-again person realizing the futility of walling yourself off from Any of the emotions, much less Love. It's been three weeks. It is bound to hurt for at least a few more months. But as they say, "never say never". There's a song by Lara Fabian: "I Will Love Again" - check it out!
Didn't say never. Said I didn't want to. And also that it was an experiment, I am not even sure I can. I am a guy that wears his heart on his sleeve.
I am guessing it is coming from a place of fear. See I don't want to hurt like this again. To fall in love, if I can't fix myself, will mean constantly waiting for the ground to fall through. I know myself that well, at least in my current being.
What I am hoping to get from this new experience outside of the break up is to gain an better understanding of myself. Find self confidence, self esteem, self worth. I intend to fix the faults I can fix.
Like I said, I am only really jealous when I have reason to be. Its just that the jealousy in turn makes me completely miserable while I put up a front that everything is fine. So I need to learn to not be so dang jealous and if that means fixing any of the "self's" mentioned above then let it be.
It's not my being bitter... it's my being afraid. A scared little boy. Maybe I can become a man.
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