For Some Reason...

For some reason I actually feel a little better today. It could be that I had a good nights sleep. Didn't feel as cold in the office (our old bedroom) last night as it had the past two weeks. I realized something. Mike puts up a front. He pretends like he doesn't care when in reality he is dying on the inside. I do just wish he'd let it out. Show me who he is, I feel that after all this time I deserve to KNOW the man I was in love with.

I pretty much said to him that if he wants to go out see other people that yes it would crush me.
That... yes I would be jealous. That yes I would be worried sick. But I then told him that it would be nothing much different from what he would feel but try to hide. In fact it'd hurt him more if I did it. So I asked him what he wanted and if he was prepared to deal with the consequences.

He admitted that he would never say anything or not show his hurt but that he wouldn't be able to handle it. He's be walking around this apartment going insane with jealousy and stray thoughts. We also both looked at the likely-hood that we will end up sleeping with each other before the month is out (I know him well enough to know he is gonna want a good bye/one last time fuck) and that with that likely-hood we should refrain from being with other people. If he gets crabs before the end of the month he knows his "one last time" option is gone.

We both realized that we are not going to heal while still living with each other. We both realize that professionally we still fit. With the professional realization we have been talking about the web business and wether or not we will remain partners. Right now the company is set up as a sole proprietorship under my name. There is only one business being worked on actively (my electronics store http://www.leviathanelectronics.com) so he is a lil aprehensive. I don't blame him. After War of the Roses who could blame anybody. But, we do know that we will most likely not speak to each other for at least 2 months except for things like a bill here or there or stuff I may have left. During those 2 months we will both be working on our prospective sites. As a man of honor I will allow him to do business under the established company name until he gets his own leg work done at which time I will turn over his security site.

Jaeryd is right, I cannot stop being a man of honor (Goddamn Osaka sensibilities). Selling myself short is something I need to fix, but I need to see what they see before that change will happen. On my jealousy... the truth about my jealousy is that I only get jealous when I have a reason to be. Mike says he didn't see the jealousy except on occasions in which I had reason to be jealous. Like after the incident 4 months ago or if I am not getting screwed regularly. I guess he is sort of right... as long as I have reassurance and hot sex my jealousy doesn't come out. But it would be nice to be free of it, though I doubt I will ever be free of it.

I am still in a sad place, I am mourning the loss of my best friend and our relationship as I watch it end. But it, for some reason, feels like today is going to be easier to put up a front and get through.

-Daemian