One Last Weekend...

So here I am, Saturday... so far all I have done is lecture Mike on the mistakes he is making. He makes the same mistakes over and over again. He is too smart for this. I don't know if he is trying to make me worry to get me to stay. I don't know if he is really just oblivious to these mistakes. But I can see him making the same mistakes, it is like watching a giant brain ram itself into a brick wall over and over again trying to get to the other side. Instead of just using the fucking door to his right.

This is our last weekend together. We have not... "done the nasty"... and I don't think we will. It will just confuse the situation and send mixed messages to us both. I can see it now, he's over there looking at other people personals. Gets hot for them then tries to come on to me. During the act he'd say how much he loved me and wishes I weren't leaving. Then after, he'd go back to looking at other peoples personals and sending them emails right here in front of me. No.

I have to now force myself to not give a shit. It is his life. Tho I ultimately want him to be happy... I can't make him take steps towards that happiness. I can't protect him and I have to let go of the idea that somehow I can still protect him. This Hero Complex can be a real mind fuck sometimes. It is like watching an old lady crossing the road against the light, a huge car barreling towards her, and not taking any action on my part to save her. But he is an adult, he can make his own decisions... and if it gets him hurt or maimed or otherwise end badly... that will have to be his own cross to bare. I can not carry it for him.

Our last weekend together... 10yrs of weekends ends tomorrow. I am unsure of how I feel about this. There are a whole host of emotions I have never felt before. I don't quite know what to do with them. So all I want to do is hit things. But anger management has taught me a few things about dealing with feelings... so hopefully I won't be walking around looking for a reason to beat people up. I am a better person now than I was 10 years ago and my self control is exemplary. Hell I made it through the holiday at work without having to threaten a coworker that was a complete asshole the entire month.

I am going to be ok. I figured out my self esteem conflict. I have come to realize that as a teenager I had built my entire concept of self esteem on the basis that I was a good lover. I learned all sorts of tricks and built stamina and longevity and learned to be an attentive lover and a damn good kisser. Some of that came naturally, latino heat papi chulos.... but more of it came from learning. I had heard so many good things from people after sex, more than enough of them couldn't get enough. My ego had grown tremendously as did my sense of self and confidence. This relationship slowly stripped it all away. 6 months of no sex at all. 9 years and 6 months of sexual rejection from the partner who said he loved me. We'd have sex 1 time a month at BEST. I would get shut down 30 days of the month. I have come to see that basing my sense of self on my sexual performance, my attractiveness to other etc... was a mistake. I was also a teenager and was prone to foolish mistakes. This time around I have to do it differently. I have to tell myself I am sexxy, confident, smart, a good fucker and a good kisser along with being a good, honorable person. I have to want me first. Funny thing, I seem... in true Daemian fashion... to be speeding towards it. So I don't think it will take much more than a couple of weeks of dancing to get myself back. ;)

Self esteem, self worth... it's all so strange that we can be torn down by an idea. Well, it is time to own that idea so that no one can tear it down. I am cute, I am funny, I am sexxy, I am smart, I am a good and honorable person.

Screw what the world thinks! It's all about me now.

-Daemian