I have got to find a way to stop thinking about this. I have to find a way to let go myself. If Mike wants to go on a date... why should I be so upset? That only means I could go on a date too. But I don't want to go on a date. How could he? See it's questions like that which are driving me insane.
He'll sit there and greet me with "Hello Ex-Boyfriend" when I come home from work... tell me he wishes I wasn't leaving him then goes and searches the personals. I don't understand how I can feel so much and he appears to feel so little? We have always been opposites that way. If I feel I tend to let it out. I wish I had let it out over the past now 4 months. Maybe things would be different if I didn't squirrel away what I was feeling.
Been having nightmares lately. Mostly involving him screwin someone right in front of me. So I haven't been sleeping well. Has he stopped loving me just that easily and my mind is manifesting that I am a dime a dozen? Is my mind telling me that someone who looks like I look should have been grateful to have anyone at all? I know this is a major life change and I am bound to be jacked. I can't go back, things will never be the same between us... I can see that. Living with him makes it more difficult because I am constantly reminded of the fact that I love him. This hurts too much and he doesn't think I care or that I love him. I am gonna be in for a bumpy road ahead.
I have to find a way to make it through this month. I have to find a way to take my mind off of this. I need to get away. I should be working at this very moment and can't help but think about this. I have started throwing myself into planning the move, but I stop for even a second and my mind goes right back to him. I had to write it out to get it out so I can go back about my day.
I am sure Jae, Shain, Ping and Daylia are about sick of hearing about it. I don't really care for what my co-workers think... never really like them (1 or two here or there I liked) so I don't talk about it at work. In fact the only one I have to talk about it with right now is Mike. So I am going to try to not talk about it at all except on this blog. I will just squirrel away my feelings. I tell you what tho, I think this may be the last time I ever do another honorable thing. A man of honor is what I have prided myself on along with my brain and my cock. I have done the honorable thing and it hurts more than words can accurately portray. I can't go back... not the way I am and not with all I have seen.
I have to find a way...
-Daemian
3 comments:
First, brains and cocks shrivel over time (hopefully later than sooner), but honor doesn't have to. Long-term goals should beat short-term comfort.
Second, stop selling yourself short. You had a lot of people interested in you when you broke out of the ordinary and showed up at a night club with no agenda.
Third, he is probably just being practical. You ARE his ex. He needs to move on, just as you do. He is not planning on moving, so he may as well look local. Why not start now? As the dumpee, he is probably not entirely comfortable at home together these days, just as you aren't. He wants to get out of the house...
Actually his plans are to still move out of NYC. Just later. Is he being practical? Yes...
I realize that he has to start at some time, but does it have to be at the detriment of making the living situation worse for us both? He may pretend like he would not care if I went and tried to fuck all of Astoria before I left... but he would. I would do it simply out of retaliation. I know myself that well at least.
He would go out, probably get banged better than I could ever hope to bang him, I would be extremely hurt and then I would go out and bang someone like I never banged him. I would be hurt because I am not breaking up with him because I don't like him. It is because I love him that I have to let him go.
My fragile ego can't handle that and neither could his. If I had no responsibility to a debt or to work I'd leave now and spare us both the additional pain.
BTW, I got interest most likely because I was the new guy. Everyone wants to fuck the new guy. That and what interest? The kid on E... allegedly?
Just what I need... a drugged up horny party boy.
(Selling myself short is one of those things I need to fix. I still see a REALLY fat.. remember used to be 350lbs... incredibly hideous guy that is lucky to have someone say good day. I know I am a mess.)
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