Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places...

Looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love in too many faces. Searching their eyes, looking for traces of what I'm dreaming of.

I don't quite know why I am so preoccupied with looking for love. The obvious answer is that I am just looking to fill a newly created void. That would be a fine answer if I knew for sure that's what it was. But I am not so sure. I am wondering if I am that empty that I feel this need to be us and we instead of I and me. I know I just seem to do better when in a relationship. I have more motivation when someone else's expectations are at stake. It may be exhausting but I like living up to the expectations of others. Somehow it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Ourselves are the easiest people to let down.

I seem to be more able to and more focused on building a life when I have someone to build it with. Does this mean I am some kind of team player that requires the input of others to excel? Does this mean I am needy and incomplete? Does it just mean that I am lonely? Does it mean I should stop looking? What if I can't? What if I stop looking and find myself lost?

I can't stop looking, it's like finding a treasure on a map then losing again. Thing is once you have found it... you know it is out there somewhere. Thats more of a torment than never knowing the treasure was there to begin with. So like some guy who found some treasure once, I know it is out there and I can't stop looking for it. If I stop looking for it I may never find it again without intervention of circumstance, accident and fate. All of which have a sucky track record as it's all just random. I hate random odds. I may end up spending a lifetime looking for it.

I mean I met someone, we both like each other, we have things in common and the sex was banging. I met my sexual match in spades. We enjoy the same things and his reason for being single is that the right one just hasn't come along yet. So once again, the fool in an eternal search, I find myself hoping he thinks I am Mr. Right. Hoping that it wasn't just one steamy night with a mild courtship as a leader. Hoping that distance (1 hour away) is overcome and is a non-issue. Sad thing is the courtship was rather sexual to begin with... and he was the aggressor. So a courtship of a few weeks and a steamy night. J would say... stop over analyzing this. I know. But there are so many questions that I can't help but ask. They all ultimately boil down to the question that can not be over analyzed enough. Why am I looking for love at all? Especially given I already know how much it can hurt.

Masochist at matters of the heart?

Oh well, guess some questions will just fall on deaf ears. Well I do hope I can turn a steamy few weeks of courtship that turned into an all too hot night into something good. Of course this is all about what I want. I can only hope that he wants what I want. Just have to try to keep positive.

- Daemian

Bad Idea Perhaps

Not even an extreme post... but I am starting to think it was a bad idea to leave NYC. NYC sucked to live in, but it at least protected me from a few harsh realities outside of the city. And regardless of my relationship with Mike it too protected me from a few harsh realities. I don't know what to do now.

You know what Jeremy... why don't we both move to Cali!

A Turn For The Better I Hope...

Why is it that everytime I make some harsh decision about my life and it's direction something occurs that changes my mind? Is it luck?

Anywho... to not jinx it let's just say I have been in communication with someone that has changed my mind and feelings on being an Ice Prince.

Let's see how this turns out.

-Daemian

Enter the Ice Prince...

I am just going to start using people for sex. That's it... no expectations... no caring about their feelings... nada. Now granted I didn't give up the goodies tonight, but I didn't have a chance to. I got stood up. No it wasn't Gino... he's a sweetheart.

I can actually see how a gay male can become bitter and jaded. So I offer my apologies to every bitter and jaded gay guy out there I have ever made fun of. You guys are almost justified.

- Daemian

And I Dodged a Bullet...

(This post has been modified upon request apparently there is only one of this person in the world.)

Whoa...

Just.... whoa. I mean, damn... did I dodge a bullet or what. Dave freaked out because I linked his website and wrote about our date on my blog. Freaked out is sort of an understatement. He went absolutely apeshit. Just... whoa.

Now I am glad it did not go any further than it did. (removed upon request) I mean the only reason any one would freak out the way he did is if they are (removed upon request). I dodged a bullet. Talk about be careful who you date.

-Daemian

Hit and a Miss...

Well it would seem things between me and David are not going to work out. Such is life... as Jeremy says... process and move on. It's too bad tho, I really did like him.

That being said... maybe I should give Gino a call. He's this cute bear I gave my number to a few weeks ago. Yeah he gets back to me on this past Friday, at which time I tell him I want to see how this goes with David. Yeah...

But hell, maybe Gino would be a fun date. He is definitely cute enough.

-Daemian

I am back...

Ok.. after a very short hiatus I am back. I have calmed down and am focused once again. I have decided to not say what brought on the hiatus, the past is the past and it will just have to stay that way.

I also came back to say... I have met someone. His name is David. Big ol' Geek Bear, god I love it. He looks good in my Rangers jersey no less. He made it past date 3 and I think we will have a lot of fun together. There is a lot of potential in this. He is even my own age. Can you believe it!?! I barely can.

We are going to take it slow. We have established that we really do enjoy each others company so far. So I am thinking why not.. we can give it a shot. But slowly. I have NEVER felt this comfortable this quickly with anyone. Not even with Mike. I feel safe in David's arms. I am usually the one making someone else feel safe, so this is a nice change of pace. I have rediscovered my overly affectionate and nurturing side. He loves getting affection and giving affection. I have been starved of both. I don't feel self conscious about my body around him, I don't feel insecure, I don't feel that I am not good enough. He is a programmer that can teach me a thing or two and is a full time Linux user. God that makes me salivate. I won't need to teach him anything about UNIX/Linux, if anything he'll be teaching me. We have a great balance and compliment in terms of our technological know how and leanings. I am a video person. Very visual, very graphic design oriented... he is an audio person. You have got to see the boxes he built.

I think lightning struck twice for me and I am in post orgasmic bliss. Wish me luck sweethearts!

-Daemian