Perhaps Acceptance...

Been going through some odd feelings lately. I have been coming to grips with the fact that I would have welcomed not being single, I would have gladly taken a new partner, though I was not ready for it. My decision would have been hasty even. I know, I know... didn't Jaeryd try to tell me that? Of course he did. I would have even done well in a relationship being not ready, it's just part of who I am. I am good at the things I do.

But, now... I don't know so much. I am coming to grips with being single. Slowed down the whole being slutty thing has put a lot into perspective. I don't know nor truly understand what it is just yet. But I do know I am enjoying the new found freedom. Don't even know if I particularly want a partner right now. Oh my god... did I really just say that? Perhaps it's just my strangely manic mode? Perhaps acceptance has really set in?

I have gone on a few dates, trying to find that "Mike" replacement, only to find none of us are really replaceable.. Would I really want to "replace" him anyway? Shouldn't I be looking for something or someone different? Well I have pretty much stopped looking, stopped dating, stopped being desperate. Don't get me wrong, I will still look at every hot guy like he was a piece of meat... but hey I don't have to go there in reality ya know. I also know I don't want to relive all of the mistakes I made along the way.

I don't really know what this all means. I don't, I mean this is a first for me in terms of life experiences. So I don't know what to expect or what to do. But I do know this... now that I am not really looking for a relationship.. watch someone tries to toss one on me. LOL. Go fig.

Well, enough of this weird, woke up from a dead sleep with an inkling to blog rambling. Talk to yas later.

- Daemian

New Information and a New Home

New Information:

So I work for Apple at the new Boylston Street store. As such I have the opportunity to meet a lot of new people and with that come the opportunity to see a lot of old acquaintances. I run into an old teacher who works at MIT. The teacher recounts how intelligent I was, go figure. He then makes a proposition, he wants me to come by and take an IQ test. Stating he was always curious and has had the chance to work on the creation of a new IQ test. So far his results, according to him, have been shocking and surprisingly accurate. At first I decline, but he is persistent stating his curiosity of my intellect versus my behavior as his motivating factor. The teacher had been one I confided in a while ago regarding my childhood, childhood events etc...

Reluctantly I agreed. So I met with him earlier today, took the test which also consisted of a psychological evaluation. Well I am more than slightly surprised. The teacher did not disclose my psych scores but did reveal my IQ test scores. Genius level IQ begins at 140, I scored 138. I scored 2 points shy of genius. He made me take the test again, of course the questions were different, I was hoping to cheat the test, lol. Nope I couldn't cheat the test... second test I scored 139. He tested me a third time and I again tested 139.

He wants me to come back and work with him on a few things. I don't know what these things are. I told him I would think about it. My work schedule keeps me pretty busy and is mentally exhausting.

I wonder what he found in my psych evaluation and why he would not share them with me.


New Home:

So I have been here for 3 or 4 weeks now. My roommate has been gone for the past week, he had to go to his sisters wedding. This has been an interesting time for me. I have been essentially learning how to live with only myself. I had gone out Saturday and Sunday... shockingly enough I had fun. I don't know how or why. I went out Saturday and saw a few friends there and we hung out, drank and chatted. I even got the phone number of a cute lil fella. Sunday I went out for Karaoke after work and had a ball. I sang 3 songs and got standing ovations from the local bears. I think Karaoke night will be a regular thing for me.

That being said, I find myself missing my weekly dinner with Jeremy. I am thinking I have to find a way to get to Worcester once a week so he and we can resume our weekly ritual.

Oh well, there is really nothing new aside from that.

Later chulos!

- D

One Night Stand...

Ever have a one night stand that left you feeling like this?

Now as the summer fades
I let you slip away
You say I’m not your type
But I can make you sway

It makes you burn to learn
You’re not the only one
I'd let you be if you
put down your blazing gun

Now you’ve gone somewhere else
Far away
I don’t know if I will find you (find you, find you)
But you feel my breath
On your neck
Can’t believe I’m right behind you (right behind you)

‘Cause you keep me coming back for more
And I feel a little better than I did before
And if I never see your face again
I don’t mind
‘Cause we gone much further than I thought we'd get tonight

Sometimes you move so well
It’s hard not to give in
I’m lost, I can’t tell
Where you end and I begin

It makes me burn to learn
You’re with another man
I wonder if he’s half
The lover that I am

Now you’ve gone somewhere else

Far away
I don’t know if I will find you (find you, find you)
But you feel my breath
On your neck
Can’t believe I’m right behind you (right behind you)

‘Cause you keep me coming back for more
And I feel a little better than I did before
And if I never see your face again
I don’t mind
‘Cause we gone much further than I thought we'd get tonight

Baby, baby
Please believe me
Find it in your heart to reach me
Promise not to leave me behind
(Promise not to leave me behind)

Take me down, but take it easy
Make me think but don’t deceive me
Talk to me bout taking your time
(Talk to me, talk to me)

‘Cause you keep me coming back for more
And I feel a little better than I did before
And if I never see your face again
I don’t mind
‘Cause we gone much further than I thought we'd get tonight

‘Cause you keep me coming back for more
And I feel a little better than I did before
And if I never see your face again
I don’t mind
‘Cause we got much further than I thought we'd get tonight

Maroon 5.. I don't love em, but I like this song. I can relate to it. A one night stand that I would LOVE to see again.

- D

An Interesting Date and Happy 4th of July!

Happy 4th of July Chulos!!!

I worked today, unsure of my evening plans for I am victim of Bank of America yet again. Work was fun, as per usual.. but I know what you buggers want to hear. The date.

Well I went on a date with a rather funny and cute 26yo guy. We had dinner at a nice restaurant in the South End and the went to see Wanted. I loved the movie, I mean the violence was over the top. Of course Angelina Jolie turned me on a lil bit. Something about a girl that can kick my ass I find to be hot.

That said.. I did enjoy the date... but something just didn't feel right. I mean.. he was a very nice guy. But I just didn't feel that something. I even tried putting my hand on his lap during the movie to see if I felt anything. Nothing... nada... it was like me touching Jaeryd.  I think he and I can be great friends, but we simply can not date. Which was both a little disappointing but at the same time a little.. I dunno... interesting to me. I mean.. I was my usual nervous self. But it was sort of good to know that.. I can go out on a date and if it doesn't click, well thats ok. It doesn't have to click. If it does, then great! 

So I don't feel bad about it, hell if I had any single gay top friends in his age range, I'd try to hook em up in a heartbeat. I mean he is a good guy. Cute, funny, smart and employed. 

So that's the date. Nothing terribly exciting, in fact it was refreshingly normal.

Been mad busy lately, so I apologize for not blogging more. But as things settle down I will make it a regular habit again. ;) Hell if I can fix my firewire o FrankenMac I will be doing video blogs again.

Til next time chulos!

- D

Giving Up...

I am so confused right now. I don't know where to go. I mean professionally, I am fine. Emotionally I am not.  I guess it is really just the fact that I have once again put myself in a position of starting over, within 6 months of having done it previously. 

At least in Worcester I had Jeremy. I didn't feel as alone then as I do now.  There was a point in time, previous to this, in which I didn't care if I went out or not. Didn't care about meeting new people, didn't really want to meet new people either. I don't rightly know if I was happier at that time or not... but I do know that at this time I am just... confused. Confused, tired, stressed out and lonely.

Maybe I'll make for a good "Crazy Cat Lady". I just feel like giving up the ghost. Go through my day, enjoy my work and let it be at that. Feelings suck and I know they will pass. I would just rather not feel them at all. 

Oh yeah, I am attempting a cold turkey quitting of smoking, this is day 2. Let's compound the trauma of major life changes even further is what I must be thinking I guess. 

- D

A New Place...

Well, recent events...

First and foremost, I must apologize for it being so long since the last time I posted. I have been in a state of flux. Between work, trying to find a new place to live, finding a new place, moving and trying to settle in I have been quite the busy little bee.

So I yes, I found a place. It is a great situation. I do have a roommate, but at least he is a 'Mo like myself. So it is infinitely more comfortable of a situation. I am in a 2 bedroom condo with central air. Of course the central air is the part that got me. LOL. My roommate is a hottie tho. But the fact he is my roommate makes him off limits. Roommate drama can come up all too easily if you sleep with him. So I have to actually exhibit some self control. Of course I was really flirty, but you know... that should be curtailed as well. I don't want to send the wrong message.

The job is going very well, I am excelling at the bar even if I am a little slow on the repairs in the Genius Room. I have this meticulous way of doing a repair and if I see something that needs to be done, like the parts are disgustingly dirty... I will sit there and clean each piece as I reassemble the unit. It's what I do, I can't help that. Overall tho, I love what I do. Having more time makes life a lot less stressful.

Time is finally giving me time. 

With that comes the fact that I need to start making new memories. I have very little in the way of pictures or regular living and enjoyment of life. The last ten years of my life are recorded in only my heart and my head. Both will fade over time. So now I have to learn how to live life. I am painfully lonely despite being surrounded by some great people. The real kicker is that I don't know what I want. Do I want to be single? Do I want a boyfriend? I don't know. In a way I am scared. I am scared of the inevitable pain that will follow if I am someone's lover. I am scared of the possibility of never finding someone to love and be loved by. I am scared that I don't know how to really live. I am just scared. But me being me, I never let being scared be an excuse to not do something. If bravery is doing something despite being afraid, well I can only hope my bravery holds.

I found myself thinking of Mike today, I got angry, I got sad... I smoked half a pack of cigarettes, I worried that I will never find love like that again. Did we end up how we ended up because our relationship was like a plant that just didn't get watered? If so, why didn't we water it? I thought we had put in a ton of work. I thought we were doing things the right way and learning from our mistakes. Then I came to realization that I didn't treat him like I should have. The withering was not all his fault, it was mine too. 

So I move forward. I am trying to learn from my mistakes. I know I am not over it. I don't think I ever will be. But I have to not carry around the baggage. I have to force myself to trust people and to trust myself.  I walked away... now I have to keep on walking. But now I am in a better position to do so. I am clawing my way back to the top, I am so close, I can't lose my grip now.

Til next time chulos

- D

Hero Complex...

No matter where I go, no matter what I do... I feel like 'we' need a vigilantly. What do I mean by this? I mean I hate bullies and when I read about hate crimes it infuriates me. I don't mean the kind of "Let's get political and fight the power!" kind of fury. I mean the "I want to find the one who committed the crime and do to him what he did to the victim." kind of fury.

For instance, when I lived in New York I bore witness to a man beating up a lesbian because she thwarted his advances. I witnessed this thwarting on the train and it wasn't like she was being exceptionally rude about it, tho she had every right to be rude about it given the mans behavior. We get off the train, it was late at night so it really was just us three and he attacks her while shouting homophobic rhetoric. Well, I turn around and tackle the fucker and begin to wail on him. I lose myself for a moment and in the fury of it all was able to be pulled off the guy. If it wasn't for the victim stating I had helped her I would have gone to jail that night. There is nothing I loathe more than to see or hear about or read about someone getting bullied. 

I hate witnessing spousal abuse, I hate witnessing a fight in which the odds are skewed I just don't have the tolerance for it.

So I read today about a fellow in the South End, an area of Boston pretty much owned by homosexuals, who was beaten and robbed by someone shouting anti-gay bullshit. Once again this infuriated me.  To top it all off, the cops are investigating it as an assault and robbery instead of a hate crime! WORD? ARE THEY FUCKING SERIOUS!?! What kind of justice is this? What kind of example is being set? This man will have hospital bills and wounds to recover from and if they find the bastards that did it they will get a slap on the wrist... a fucking misdemeanor. Really? Word? Are they fucking serious? This is not justice. Justice would be to find the fucker, beat him, rob him and shout anti-heterosexual bullshit at him. Justice would be to force him to have his own hospital bills to pay, his own wounds to heal AND to pay for the bills of the victim. THAT is justice.

All it makes me want to do is get to a gym, build the body of a god, gain access to shielding to prevent my being stabbed or shot and roam the streets waiting to stop someone from hurting someone else. My style of justice is eye for an eye. My hero complex almost demands this action. My hero complex always gets me into trouble, so I sit here... I wait and I hope that someone out there sees this the same way I do and rains down real justice on bastards like this.

What gives someone else the right to attack someone else for being different? What idiotic sense of self makes them think this is ok? 

No matter where I go, no matter what I do... I find 'we' need justice. My anger is almost enough to push me over the edge right now. This shit must stop!

- D