Well, recent events...
First and foremost, I must apologize for it being so long since the last time I posted. I have been in a state of flux. Between work, trying to find a new place to live, finding a new place, moving and trying to settle in I have been quite the busy little bee.
So I yes, I found a place. It is a great situation. I do have a roommate, but at least he is a 'Mo like myself. So it is infinitely more comfortable of a situation. I am in a 2 bedroom condo with central air. Of course the central air is the part that got me. LOL. My roommate is a hottie tho. But the fact he is my roommate makes him off limits. Roommate drama can come up all too easily if you sleep with him. So I have to actually exhibit some self control. Of course I was really flirty, but you know... that should be curtailed as well. I don't want to send the wrong message.
The job is going very well, I am excelling at the bar even if I am a little slow on the repairs in the Genius Room. I have this meticulous way of doing a repair and if I see something that needs to be done, like the parts are disgustingly dirty... I will sit there and clean each piece as I reassemble the unit. It's what I do, I can't help that. Overall tho, I love what I do. Having more time makes life a lot less stressful.
Time is finally giving me time.
With that comes the fact that I need to start making new memories. I have very little in the way of pictures or regular living and enjoyment of life. The last ten years of my life are recorded in only my heart and my head. Both will fade over time. So now I have to learn how to live life. I am painfully lonely despite being surrounded by some great people. The real kicker is that I don't know what I want. Do I want to be single? Do I want a boyfriend? I don't know. In a way I am scared. I am scared of the inevitable pain that will follow if I am someone's lover. I am scared of the possibility of never finding someone to love and be loved by. I am scared that I don't know how to really live. I am just scared. But me being me, I never let being scared be an excuse to not do something. If bravery is doing something despite being afraid, well I can only hope my bravery holds.
I found myself thinking of Mike today, I got angry, I got sad... I smoked half a pack of cigarettes, I worried that I will never find love like that again. Did we end up how we ended up because our relationship was like a plant that just didn't get watered? If so, why didn't we water it? I thought we had put in a ton of work. I thought we were doing things the right way and learning from our mistakes. Then I came to realization that I didn't treat him like I should have. The withering was not all his fault, it was mine too.
So I move forward. I am trying to learn from my mistakes. I know I am not over it. I don't think I ever will be. But I have to not carry around the baggage. I have to force myself to trust people and to trust myself. I walked away... now I have to keep on walking. But now I am in a better position to do so. I am clawing my way back to the top, I am so close, I can't lose my grip now.
Til next time chulos
- D
