A Moment of Clarity...

Then I had a moment of clarity. I don't know why, but in Zen it happens a lot. You get a glimpse of enlightenment and then for a split second things become clear. You see a lot, including yourself, clearly.

Met a few good guys. Met some not so good guys. Met some guys that made me stop and think. Met some guys that helped boost the good ol' ego even.

Also came to realize that I will be turning 29 in June. I spent the past 10yrs in a relationship and never really got the chance to be 20-something. I realistically only have 1 year left to be 20-something, so to hell with trying to find another relationship to be in. As much as I want one, I also want to be 20-something. If Mr. Right comes along then hooray for me and if he doesn't... more time to have fun without having to answer to anyone but myself.

So I am searching... for friends. People to hang out with, to laugh with, to complain about men with, to talk about Project Runway with (part of my gay lessons, apparently I am still not gay enough), to play silly card games with, to invite me to parties. I am looking for friends. So, while I rebuild my life from the ground up, I want to find friends not distractions.

Yes I work as a bouncer to make ends meet while I am rebuilding my life, but I am actively looking for work in the Boston area (easy travel from Worcester being that I don't have a car) as a Graphic Designer or IT Professional. So I may find myself in Boston a lot.

So if you don't mind being my friend... my REAL friend dammit, hit me up. If you are already my friend, I love you more than you know.

That doesn't mean I am not up for some fun along the way of course. Hell part of what I missed about my 20s was sowing my wild oats and being slutty. But safely slutty. Rubbers are the way my children, this whole "barebacking on the rise" thing scares me. So bag it before you tag it. Remember it's not that I don't want a man... I do, but enough worrying about it. I may as well have fun while I am still single and 20-something.

-Daemian

Hottie of the Month

Month, week.. who gives a shit. A hottie is a hottie, I post em as I see em.

-Daemian

Finding What You Want... With One Caveat

Well I had perhaps one of the better dates last night. He wasn't so much a bear... but he was kind, showed concern for me, believes in monogamy, wants to see me again and understands where I am coming from because he is in a similar boat. He is 1yr out of an 8yr relationship. He says I gave him hope that he wouldn't have to be alone. That a guy like me is a rarity. Someone who wants a real relationship, a monogamous relationship and is a nice guy to boot.

He reminds me of my co-worker Matty. Mostly in speech, choice of words and affliction. I find it endearing.

There is one caveat, he is 43yrs old. Now anyone who knows me knows that Mike is 41 turning 42 this year. I don't mind the age so much as the question of "Why can't I find this in someone closer to my own age?". Then it dawned on me. It's because I am not my own age. Not mentally, not emotionally. I had to grow up fast, it happens sometimes. I just happen to have left those closer to my age behind. So now when I am trying to find my qualities in someone my age it's like finding a needle in a haystack.

I don't so much worry about it as I worry more about what my friend Jae is gonna think. I am 28 going on 29... the guy just turned 43. That makes him 1 year older than Mike. He has a big heart and a beautiful soul, that should be all that matters right? It's what makes him attractive to me. He has spent some time courting me. I told him I'd like to see him again as well. He asked that I call him today. I will after I wake up.

There is also the predicament of Dwayne. I haven't heard from him, but it has also been a hectic
week. I don't know if he is really interested in dating me or if he just wants sex. I suppose that if he does call I will ask him. I don't know what to do if Dwayne says that yes he wants to date me.

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places...

Looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love in too many faces. Searching their eyes, looking for traces of what I'm dreaming of.

I don't quite know why I am so preoccupied with looking for love. The obvious answer is that I am just looking to fill a newly created void. That would be a fine answer if I knew for sure that's what it was. But I am not so sure. I am wondering if I am that empty that I feel this need to be us and we instead of I and me. I know I just seem to do better when in a relationship. I have more motivation when someone else's expectations are at stake. It may be exhausting but I like living up to the expectations of others. Somehow it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Ourselves are the easiest people to let down.

I seem to be more able to and more focused on building a life when I have someone to build it with. Does this mean I am some kind of team player that requires the input of others to excel? Does this mean I am needy and incomplete? Does it just mean that I am lonely? Does it mean I should stop looking? What if I can't? What if I stop looking and find myself lost?

I can't stop looking, it's like finding a treasure on a map then losing again. Thing is once you have found it... you know it is out there somewhere. Thats more of a torment than never knowing the treasure was there to begin with. So like some guy who found some treasure once, I know it is out there and I can't stop looking for it. If I stop looking for it I may never find it again without intervention of circumstance, accident and fate. All of which have a sucky track record as it's all just random. I hate random odds. I may end up spending a lifetime looking for it.

I mean I met someone, we both like each other, we have things in common and the sex was banging. I met my sexual match in spades. We enjoy the same things and his reason for being single is that the right one just hasn't come along yet. So once again, the fool in an eternal search, I find myself hoping he thinks I am Mr. Right. Hoping that it wasn't just one steamy night with a mild courtship as a leader. Hoping that distance (1 hour away) is overcome and is a non-issue. Sad thing is the courtship was rather sexual to begin with... and he was the aggressor. So a courtship of a few weeks and a steamy night. J would say... stop over analyzing this. I know. But there are so many questions that I can't help but ask. They all ultimately boil down to the question that can not be over analyzed enough. Why am I looking for love at all? Especially given I already know how much it can hurt.

Masochist at matters of the heart?

Oh well, guess some questions will just fall on deaf ears. Well I do hope I can turn a steamy few weeks of courtship that turned into an all too hot night into something good. Of course this is all about what I want. I can only hope that he wants what I want. Just have to try to keep positive.

- Daemian

Bad Idea Perhaps

Not even an extreme post... but I am starting to think it was a bad idea to leave NYC. NYC sucked to live in, but it at least protected me from a few harsh realities outside of the city. And regardless of my relationship with Mike it too protected me from a few harsh realities. I don't know what to do now.

You know what Jeremy... why don't we both move to Cali!

A Turn For The Better I Hope...

Why is it that everytime I make some harsh decision about my life and it's direction something occurs that changes my mind? Is it luck?

Anywho... to not jinx it let's just say I have been in communication with someone that has changed my mind and feelings on being an Ice Prince.

Let's see how this turns out.

-Daemian

Enter the Ice Prince...

I am just going to start using people for sex. That's it... no expectations... no caring about their feelings... nada. Now granted I didn't give up the goodies tonight, but I didn't have a chance to. I got stood up. No it wasn't Gino... he's a sweetheart.

I can actually see how a gay male can become bitter and jaded. So I offer my apologies to every bitter and jaded gay guy out there I have ever made fun of. You guys are almost justified.

- Daemian

And I Dodged a Bullet...

(This post has been modified upon request apparently there is only one of this person in the world.)

Whoa...

Just.... whoa. I mean, damn... did I dodge a bullet or what. Dave freaked out because I linked his website and wrote about our date on my blog. Freaked out is sort of an understatement. He went absolutely apeshit. Just... whoa.

Now I am glad it did not go any further than it did. (removed upon request) I mean the only reason any one would freak out the way he did is if they are (removed upon request). I dodged a bullet. Talk about be careful who you date.

-Daemian

Hit and a Miss...

Well it would seem things between me and David are not going to work out. Such is life... as Jeremy says... process and move on. It's too bad tho, I really did like him.

That being said... maybe I should give Gino a call. He's this cute bear I gave my number to a few weeks ago. Yeah he gets back to me on this past Friday, at which time I tell him I want to see how this goes with David. Yeah...

But hell, maybe Gino would be a fun date. He is definitely cute enough.

-Daemian

I am back...

Ok.. after a very short hiatus I am back. I have calmed down and am focused once again. I have decided to not say what brought on the hiatus, the past is the past and it will just have to stay that way.

I also came back to say... I have met someone. His name is David. Big ol' Geek Bear, god I love it. He looks good in my Rangers jersey no less. He made it past date 3 and I think we will have a lot of fun together. There is a lot of potential in this. He is even my own age. Can you believe it!?! I barely can.

We are going to take it slow. We have established that we really do enjoy each others company so far. So I am thinking why not.. we can give it a shot. But slowly. I have NEVER felt this comfortable this quickly with anyone. Not even with Mike. I feel safe in David's arms. I am usually the one making someone else feel safe, so this is a nice change of pace. I have rediscovered my overly affectionate and nurturing side. He loves getting affection and giving affection. I have been starved of both. I don't feel self conscious about my body around him, I don't feel insecure, I don't feel that I am not good enough. He is a programmer that can teach me a thing or two and is a full time Linux user. God that makes me salivate. I won't need to teach him anything about UNIX/Linux, if anything he'll be teaching me. We have a great balance and compliment in terms of our technological know how and leanings. I am a video person. Very visual, very graphic design oriented... he is an audio person. You have got to see the boxes he built.

I think lightning struck twice for me and I am in post orgasmic bliss. Wish me luck sweethearts!

-Daemian