Hero Complex...

No matter where I go, no matter what I do... I feel like 'we' need a vigilantly. What do I mean by this? I mean I hate bullies and when I read about hate crimes it infuriates me. I don't mean the kind of "Let's get political and fight the power!" kind of fury. I mean the "I want to find the one who committed the crime and do to him what he did to the victim." kind of fury.

For instance, when I lived in New York I bore witness to a man beating up a lesbian because she thwarted his advances. I witnessed this thwarting on the train and it wasn't like she was being exceptionally rude about it, tho she had every right to be rude about it given the mans behavior. We get off the train, it was late at night so it really was just us three and he attacks her while shouting homophobic rhetoric. Well, I turn around and tackle the fucker and begin to wail on him. I lose myself for a moment and in the fury of it all was able to be pulled off the guy. If it wasn't for the victim stating I had helped her I would have gone to jail that night. There is nothing I loathe more than to see or hear about or read about someone getting bullied. 

I hate witnessing spousal abuse, I hate witnessing a fight in which the odds are skewed I just don't have the tolerance for it.

So I read today about a fellow in the South End, an area of Boston pretty much owned by homosexuals, who was beaten and robbed by someone shouting anti-gay bullshit. Once again this infuriated me.  To top it all off, the cops are investigating it as an assault and robbery instead of a hate crime! WORD? ARE THEY FUCKING SERIOUS!?! What kind of justice is this? What kind of example is being set? This man will have hospital bills and wounds to recover from and if they find the bastards that did it they will get a slap on the wrist... a fucking misdemeanor. Really? Word? Are they fucking serious? This is not justice. Justice would be to find the fucker, beat him, rob him and shout anti-heterosexual bullshit at him. Justice would be to force him to have his own hospital bills to pay, his own wounds to heal AND to pay for the bills of the victim. THAT is justice.

All it makes me want to do is get to a gym, build the body of a god, gain access to shielding to prevent my being stabbed or shot and roam the streets waiting to stop someone from hurting someone else. My style of justice is eye for an eye. My hero complex almost demands this action. My hero complex always gets me into trouble, so I sit here... I wait and I hope that someone out there sees this the same way I do and rains down real justice on bastards like this.

What gives someone else the right to attack someone else for being different? What idiotic sense of self makes them think this is ok? 

No matter where I go, no matter what I do... I find 'we' need justice. My anger is almost enough to push me over the edge right now. This shit must stop!

- D

Time Won't Give Me Time...

Wooh!!! It has been one wild ride so far. As you guys may have noticed I haven't posted in a while. Well, truth be told, I just don't have the damn time. LOL.

I love my job and if I didn't I would say to hell with this commute. My commute currently adds between 4 - 6 hours to my work day. So I am up and out of the house by 6am and don't get home til about 12/1am. Yeah.

So news in the pipe is that I am moving. Yes moving. Moving closer to work. I mean I don't even have time to entertain the idea of having a beer, or dinner or a frikkin date. So in the interest of salvaging my social life and making my working life just so much easier, yes I am moving. Plans are to move during the month of June. I am looking in the Somerville area right now as it really is not that far away... easily commuted on the T or Taxi-cab-able for those nights I decide to hang out past 12. 

So far tho, the job is fantastic! I hit the ground running and it is amazing. So many people there think I came from some other Apple store given my performance and I am just like, " Nope never worked as a Mac Genius before.", LOL. It is interesting the feeling you get from helping people. This job certainly feeds my hero complex nicely. 

In the dark reaches, that time in which I simply come home and rest to prepare for my next day, I find myself thinking. I find myself reminiscing of time gone by. Thinking about how happy I was. Thinking about how that happiness faded. Thinking about the how and why of things. Being grateful to have known love. Being angry to have lost it. Thinking about time I had, time I have lost and the new happiness standing in front of me.

I love my job, I am learning to love myself, I am learning to live by myself, for myself. But still I do find that every now and then... I miss time gone by. I miss Mike, in that time as I am drifting off to sleep exhausted from the days work... I find myself wondering what he is doing. I miss my old life, the security in familiarity. But I have to remind myself that I must regret nothing. That I must move forward. I always have moved forward. Unafraid of what is waiting. I am hoping and praying that I can find happiness in myself instead of in others. I am hoping that once I find that happiness that the true happiness I had known before it was my time to know it returns. It is funny how time makes points and those points connect to a final destination unknown. Unknown to me but known infinitely to time. I don't regret the 10 years time that I gave up. I don't regret having lived those ten years. I find myself less angry with Mike. I find myself more forgiving of him and in some strange way I find I am more forgiving of myself. Perhaps thats it. Perhaps I am to learn to forgive myself. Only time will tell... if I can indeed find time.

I miss the time I had to spend with my friends, most of all I miss Jeremy. He has been all too kind to me and has not forsaken me for his own time. In due time he and I shall have more time. It's like finding your brother and having to leave him all too soon. I know I will miss him a lot when I move. I am sure he will miss me too. Tho I am not going to another state, I am moving far enough away that he will not be able to just 'drop by' to chit chat.

 

In due time I will have more time, but for now I must sacrifice time for happiness.  

My only issue is time. Time won't give me time.

- D

A Fond Farewell...

(I wrote this while in the airport last night awaiting flight boarding)

Today is my last day in Cupertino. A lot has happened over the last 2 weeks of my life. I have been humbled by the experience of being dribbled down to that 'High School" feeling. I have been validated in my testing, my scores and my past. I have been brought to a place of happiness by finding friendships in the most unlikely of places.

This experience as a whole has shown me a hell of a lot. I am a guy who has gone through a lot. A lot of good, a lot of happiness, a lot of sadness and it all equals one word.... experience. Over the past 6 months I have been put through the ringer emotionally. Self doubt, self consciousness and a huge bit of "where is this road leading and was it a mistake?"

Looking back on it now, it all led up to this one point in time. This one moment in which everything I have ever done and, at the time, questioned the value of... came into focus. I will say that Steve Jobs put it best, my version of what he said would be, "Everything we have done in life has a purpose or a use. We often go through things and wonder what use will this have for me in the rest of my life. We all go through things, positive and negative and ask ourselves why. In hindsight you realize it is like 'connecting the dots. And those dots all make a path that prepared you for what it is you are to do in life."

I look back at it all, then I am put in this challenging situation... and I fucking nailed it! I mean every job I ever had, every job I ever lost, every job I ever walked away from, every bit of hardship that has left a scar was all for this moment. I have my dream job. A dream job that has opened a world of possibility. A dream job that has already enriched my life in a matter of 2 weeks.

One way it has done so is the validation. I have been validated. My intellect has been validated. All that time I spent being a computer nerd has been validated. All that time I spent being troubled over my life only to came out of it alive has been validated. This experience was essentially someone saying, good job! We appreciate what you know, what you can do and who you are.

Another way, the friendships I built here. They are perhaps some of the strangest yet oddly the strongest bonds I have made since I met Jeremy. I made friends with a gaggle of Australians. It is odd how I managed to forge these friendships, with people who are literally from half a world away from me. Yet we bonded. To the point where they are like, "You have to come visit us in Australia. You just have to get here, we'll take care of the rest.". And they mean it. I in turn have invited them to MA, I will take care of them and I mean it. I have enjoyed meeting all of them, and leaving today knowing that I won't see them again until I can book a flight to Sydney was VERY saddening. But I am grateful to have met them. Very grateful. Five in particular... Pippi, Alex, Bobby, Marco and Glen... guys... I love yas. I really do. I know we had only known each other a week, but I just want to say thank you! Thank you guys for being... well... for being like me. The only time I ever felt comfortable during this trip was when I was hanging out with you guys. Who knew that simply helping out with study would turn into something that means a lot to me? So thank you and good luck on your hardware exams next week, you guys will crush them and laugh about it later.

Yet another way was to be shown a more clear path for what I want in my future with Apple. Our instructor Paul was amazing. He showed and inspired me to follow through with what it is I must do. He taught me things that are not based on ones intellect. The others in my class had learned a lot in regards to tech. I came in with that knowledge. The others learned a lot in regards to customer service and procedure. I came with that knowledge. What I learned was that being positive.... is a good thing. That genuinely wanting to help people was a good thing. That not all heroes where capes. My hero complex... the one that got me into a lot of trouble, has a place here. I genuinely want to help people. I genuinely enjoy computers and technology. I have a place here. I work for one of the most innovative technology companies on the planet, I have met some of the best people... cream of the crop types... and I am one of them.

Corny as it may sound, I think my life is finally taking shape. It is going to be very hard my first few months as I have the issue of commuting and my living location working against me. But if I can do this, those obstacles will quickly diminish and doing what I love will be much easier!

And to my Aussies... your Bostralian has a message for you.

AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OY OY OY!

- Daemian