Choices...

I have made a choice. I did not do it to hurt anyone. I did it to prevent the inevitable. He made a choice too... though done out of spite... has actually created a sort of closure. He has met someone.... yes already... he has promised to honor our ten years together by not actually dating or hooking up during the last few weeks I am here. But the emails... never seen him get as hot for me as he does when writing these damn things. I am jealous for sure.

So... I told him about C.. There is not much to tell really. A general attraction, then a personality match... but nothing serious. Nothing has happened... but I should start thinking about the rest of my life. It does not seem that these things should be occurring so quickly. Not after 10yrs. It still hurts to wake up in the morning knowing it's over. But I guess it will pass.

What was that sweety? Oh.. his reaction to my talking about C. in any form... it made him uncomfortable. It's a feeling.. I am almost shocked. He expresses no feeling that is not happiness or anger. I never made him jealous before. Too bad this is what it took to get a real emotion out of him. Granted I should not have used Cs coincidence to me to make him jealous (He does not know Cs name, that would have just been tacky) but I was hurting something aweful.

I hope we both learn from this and come out of it better people. If we didn't the pain would be a waste.

-Daemian

Then the Ground Falls from Under You...

As some of you may know, I had been basically married for the past 10yrs with my husband, Mike. As some of you may also know, we also had a crisis of relationship that destroyed my trust in him about 3 months ago. Well... I fought... I fought hard. I fought to try to regain my trust in him... tooth and nail. I did not give up easily. But it came to a head... with our moving to Mass... to my trips up there and making friends... it all became real. I was still distrustful and even downright resentful. Knowing I was uncertain of our relationship and not wanting to drag him along for a ride only to end it under harsher circumstances... I ended my 10 yr marriage.

It hurt more than I could have ever imagined. I never want nor wanted to hurt him. I knew I inevitably would. I would rather end this relationship with love in my heart for him... not resentment and fear.

I did not come to this easily. He saved my life. If it weren't for him I would be dead or in jail. I am not comfortable with the idea of being alone. I am not comfortable with the idea of losing him forever... which may be the case. But I can't go forward... not with him. I will only end up hurting him. I spent most of the nights Thanksgiving week crying at Jaeryd's. I knew that given all that has happened I couldn't go back. I knew what I was going home to do. I spent the entire bus ride home blinking back tears. I know how receptive I was to ones advances this past week. While nothing aside from a kiss occurred... I knew. I knew that the resentment I still felt was going to push me away, maybe even into the arms of another. I love Mike too much to do that him. He says he'd probably deal with it. I will not allow that... I love him too much to hurt him that way.

I still have a lot to learn. I am jealous... that needs to change. I am insecure... that needs to change. I am full of distrust... that needs to change. I don't trust him; I don't trust me. I can't be in a relationship with someone I love but can't trust. He should not have to be in that position.

I am hoping to grow, to learn, to experience. I can tell you guys what, that screenplay I spoke of in past blogs, I think it was a vBlog, I can get past the first 10 pages. I now know what it means to have loved and lost. I hope I can come out of it ok. But I can write the romantic comedy I think. I don't know how it will end. But I do know the first half.

Maybe we will meet again some where down the line and the time will be right. Maybe we will never be together again (I am sure we can be friends... we have been best friends for 10yrs). But I know I will never lose the 10yrs we spent together. I learned happiness was possible. With the life I had up to that point, I had no hope for any happiness in my life. He showed me it was possible to have happiness. A lesson that forced me to change for the better. I am losing out here... but thats ok. I can't win all the time, it can't rain all the time either.

-Daemian

P.S. I am moving to Mass still. Saving up the money to move during Dec. Gonna pull overtime n stuff. Try to sell some of my electronics from the store on eBay for some quick cash. So at the end of Dec til prob mid Jan I may be MIA. You know gotta get internet out there.

A Feast Fit for a King!

Oh my fucking god. I ate so much I am still digesting and it's been hours since I last ate. Carl, the cook, did a fantastic job of dinner. I mean the ham and turkey looked like it stepped out of a catalogue. The Lasagna made by our hostess, Miss Kitty, was fantastic as well. It was as good as my mothers. Sorry mom, but dammit it is true. It was as good. She even used sausage in it. Yum. Home made sausage and meatballs. The garlic potatoes were awesome and then there was dessert.

Jae can cook an orgasm into anything. I had Pumpkin Cheesecake for the very first time. I damn near creamed my pants. It was that frikkin good. He made an apple pie that was the best frikkin pie ever and the brownies... granted they were not spiked... where a delictable delight that danced on the tongue and filled ones senses with rich chocolate and nuts. It was the closest I have ever gotten to eating ambrosia.

I am making Jae make me a Pumpkin Cheesecake to bring home. I am soooo feeling like dancing right now tho.

-Daemian

So it begins

Well last night was fabulous. The bus was only about an hour late. So I got to Worcester at 8:15 ish instead 7:30ish. This was not bad at all, I mean there was a little Spanish child whom I wanted to strangle, but aside from that it was all good.

Got in... Jae picks me up and we go back to his condo where I then proceed to peel apples. I am soooo not Betty Crocker. I have never before peeled an apple. But hey I helped make the apples pie. I found I was better at cutting them up than peeling them.

Afterwards we headed out to the club. They were having a hot thighs contest... lemme tell ya... churld... there were 2 straight boys there with pretty nice thighs. So now here we are getting ready to leave for Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe I can get some pictures... I was too busy dancing last night to take any. My bad.

So Happy Thanksgiving everyone. A special Happy Thanksgiving to my Mother, Bianca, Mike and his family. Sorry I am not there but glad I am here.

Til later


-Daemian

A Bus Ride... take 2!

Ok, so I am totally stoked. Yes I let lil' Valley Ho out right there. I mean I am just 1 hour away from leaving work to head to the Port Authority. I am venturing up to Worcester, MA again! This time I bought my ticket online, sent up a Happy Thanksgiving case of wine, I have the thank you for hosting gifts and I have packed my favorite underwear. You know... the ones that puts my package right in front... makes the package look fantastic... yeah those.

It is allegedly a 5 hour trip. Lets see if the bus can make it in 6-7 hours. My money is on another 8 hour ride.

I can't wait to see Jae again, can't wait to dance til I can't walk and I hope I don't shop until I drop. I have to find a way to make this trip better than the last. We will work something out. I will totally miss my husband, but shit... it's good to know I will miss him. Will do a lil apartment hunting and check out the job situation some how. The vendor is in Marlborough, so maybe Marlborough would be a good spot. Who knows. Craigslist and a news paper will be my bestest friend... next to Jae that is. :P

I will have my laptop with me so I will try to keep you guys informed.

-Daemian

An Early Thanksgiving w/ Mum & Sis!

Well given that I am going to be away this year for Thanksgiving I could not very well completely forsake my mother and my sister. So I decided I was going to take them both out for an early Thanksgiving Dinner on me. The food was good, we went to Red Lobster... my sister's choice not mine, the wait staff straight and far from flirty. Dammit!

We had an addition to the group this year. My sisters boyfriend of 4 years whom I have only met once. He figures it would be a good idea to get to know Bianca's borther because she always talks to me and about me. He wanted to know if I was gonna live up to the hype. Apparently I did. He even earned a new nickname from me. BIL, pronounce Bill, meaning Brother In Law. He loves it of course. I am glad that my mother and my sister are doing well. I always sorta felt like I had abandoned them when I moved out of the house at 17. But they are doing fine and grabbing life by the knickers. So I am glad and thankful for that.

I did take some pictures.. here they go:

This is my sister's car when she came to pick me up from Penn Station

This is the Legendary Bianca herself!

This is My mother's pride and joy. She loves this car and for good damn reason!

This is my sister and Bill.

This is me and my mother. God I look awful, I slept maybe 2 hours the night before, had to work that morning (Yesterday) and then travel to Jersey. I know I looked a mess but so what. Fun with family is fun with family. And yes that is a tattoo on my mothers chest. Between her, my sister and myself there must be at least 25 tattoos sitting at the table. LOL.

Til next time people...


-Daemian

Fine Mofos at work!

Oh... my... god.

We have this set of fratenal twins who workewd with us last year during the holidays. I didn't pay much attention to them aside from conversation... well because they are straight. This year the one who is an aspiring singer left and his brother who left at the end of last season came in. They are both buff but the brother that is here now is a multi-threat. He used to be a gymnast, a boxer and is now working construction. He is fine as fuck. Oh my god... and to make matters worse... he is paying an interesting amount of attention to me. He's got a lil bit of chub on him but it is melting fast. I told him not to lose all of it, for if he does he wouldn't be that hot to me any more. He then said, "Don't worry, I'll make sure you keep your eye candy." Inside I was like, AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!". I'd do him in the basement with the security cameras watching. He is that damn fine. Puerto Rican no less... as you boys know I tend to like em on the white side, but shit I'd let this dude make me his top bitch any day if I were single. He is not fine enough for me to jeopardize my relationship... but he is fine enough to jeopardize my job.

I mean, he did this thing that gymnasts do where they lean all the way back and go palm down on the floor behind them. Holding a perfect arch. Then he brought himself back up to full standing position with NO help at all. Just his core muscles balancing him and bringing him upright. I was speechless and my jaw was on the floor. I knew there was a good reason to want to fuck a gymnast and this sexxy fucker is it!

Anywho... I need to get back to work. I just couldn't contain this any more. I wish I was less ethical and was willing to put his picture up without his permission. Hell I wish I could get him to take his shirt off. *woof*

Maybe I can get a pic of him before the night is out.

-Daemian

Sinus Update

Lol.. I love that. Can't you just see a newscaster saying that? "Tonight we have a Sinus Update on Fox 5 news at 10." Given it's Fox my Sinus Update is something they'd cover. Anyway... the Apple Cider Vinegar works... but like all natural rememdies the effects vary. So I didn't get the almost instantaneous relief others spoke of. But after about 2 hours my nasal passages started to drain creating what we all know as a runny nose. YAY! Thats the key to getting rid of a sinus infection. You think the mucus to get it to flow freely. Along with it goes the bacteria that are infecting the sinuses.

Now the infection won't be gone just from one treatment. Oh no... so I drank the crap all weekend long. Apple Cider Vinegar tastes like... like... ew. But I did it. As with most things that are natural rememdies, this one has a strange, not harmful (to me anyways)... side effect. My God does it make you art. I could have flown around the world twice on the amount of gas this stuff created. Gross, I know. Funny... sure. I am glad my stomach got used to it tho... couldn't imagine having that kind of gas at work. OMG.

But it would appear that I will kick this Nasal Infection swiftly.

-Daemian

DAMMIT!!!

Dammit! Once again I have a sinus infection. About 3 weeks ago I had a SERIOUS allergic attack. Usually after an allergy attack that severe I expect a sinus infection to follow. Over the passing weeks I could feel it was coming, but nothing aside from a little congestion and pressure occured. Then it happened. They decided to dust all the bottles at work. *sneeze* *SNeeze* *SNEEZE*! Total blockage. I then woke up on Tuesday with a splitting sinus headache and could smell the infection in my nose. My tonsils were sore and all. I thought it was a cold.. but no I was not that lucky.

So I have started on my usual overdose of Vitamin C, a few pills of Goldenseal and some Zinc. Feeling better but not good enough. So I am going to try one more natural remedy (I don't like anit-biotics and given my allergies I am allergic to most of them). Apple Cider Vinegar. I will keep you posted. It is supposed to take care of it in 3 days. I refuse to have a sinus infection during my next trip to MA.

*sniffle* Later *sniffle*

A Thanksgiving Update

Well... here be an update. I got the time off of work, I am buying my bus ticket tomorrow, I have the cash set aside to take mum and sis to dinner and now an oddity. My work schedule is finally changing. I am going on to 11am to 7pm. Apparently I am better at doing the shit the sales reps should be doing and last proved myself a valuable asset to have there later in the day.

This is both good and bad. It's good in the sense of I can now go to the Gym in the morning, I can run errands and things like... wow I am able to get my haircut regularly. No more looking homeless before I can manage to catch the Barbershop open!

The bad... well I was hoping to catch a much earlier bus this time to get into Worcester a bit easier and faster. But if I am only going in for a few hours the best I can manage is once again... the 2:45pm bus. Maybe this time the damn thing won't break down. I do look forward to seeing what could actually manage, if I don't freak em all out, to turn into an effective homo support system. All the gays on TV have them. The circle of people they know that can pretty much get anything done between them. One friends an airline worker.. cheap tickets! One is a caterer... wedding food... done! That kind of thing. Mike knows what it is like to have that. I don't, I never had the opportunity. Too busy working and keeping us from poverty. But this looks promising.

So this is actually new territory for me. I think I am going to have a hard time convincing them I am not on the DL though. I think even in my own queeny way I am a tad straight acting in the bad sense. Never thought of it really... like my previous post on tearing my apartment to shreds to rebuild it... it's time to gay up and grow up.

Most of all tho, I find I am really liking Jae more than I expected to. I mean we have been speaking for a while and built a verbal friendship. You know what I mean. We expect to make an ass of ourselves or that the person we have come to know in a game is not who they really are.. etc etc. It does sorta make me a bit sad to know he will be leaving the east at some point. A good friend indeed. But instead of making it a negative thing I am going to spend as much time as I can with him and this circle. Some reason I think I fit in. Imagine that. Me... fit in.

This is gonna be a very different Thanksgiving for me. Once again... too many words to say relatively little.

Thanksgiving is coming!!!

Wow... time flies so fast. The older you get the faster it flies. Thanksgiving is once again looking right at us. This year is different tho. Mike's aunt is not well, she has ALS, and they feel this may be her last holiday. As such Mike is going upstate to be with her. As for me... well... I have been upstate and have NO desire to go back. As for my own family, well I am taking my mother and sister and Mike out to dinner next week, my own family drama involves cousins and I am soooo not looking forward to it. So I will be avoiding a bad situation as I am not sure I could hold my tongue and keep things civil. But I was invited up to MA for Thanksgiving.

So, I am hoping my manager will let me leave early on Wednesday so I can get up there and give me off on Friday. The day after Thanksgiving is dead... Thanksgiving day (yes we are open Thanksgiving day) is full of last minute buyers but nothing insane. The day before Thanksgiving can be quite crazy tho. I have already done the hard part of telling my mother we'd be coming down the week before for dinner on me.

Now to just confirm with Jae the Thanksgiving events. God I talk to damn much to say relatively little. Til next time!

-Daemian

Double Feature! Somtimes... take 3 & Food for Thought

Sometimes... take 3

Well, they say that the third time is a charm... and this time it was. I didn't get topped, but I did get taken. And how... wow... I didn't think my lil Keebler Husband could do it. But he did. He took charge and made me his top biotch and I loved every minute. It went from the floor to the bathroom and into the shower last night. I am shocked I can still walk.. hell I am shocked I was able to wake up on time and get to work. Sometimes the third time really is a charm!

Food for Thought

So for the past 6 months to a year Mike and I have been contemplating leaving NYC. I love this city, I really do... but after 11 years of living to work I'd say I have had enough. I will admit this, I have been looking for other places and states to live. This brings up a bit of bad mojo though. I am just starting my web business. I don't know if it will be a good idea to move the company in it's first few months in operation. That being said I dunno how to plan this. I am not a risk taker, just not in my makeup. But I can see that something a bit more calm is out there for us both.

This also ties into my fabulous weekend. While I was in MA I made many attempts to scope out the area. The houses are fantastic, condos in the 100 - 200k price range. The only thing I'd be object to are the Mass-holes. I mean I have to fix my license, get a car and then get my man a license. He is 41yo and never drove before, I'd fear for him everytime he left the house.

I don't know what the plan is but I do know I grow more and more anxious by the day. I am a tech and I make chump change in comparison to the cost of living. Mike is working which is a godsend but how long can we play this game? I am tired of making bundles for others and seeing little of it myself. So maybe I will find the city I wish to move to, rent a room, move with just my clothes and computer and build upon the web business. Have Mike stay in NYC to retain NYC residence for the company until I get the proper papers to setup shop in whatever state I decide to move to, get an apartment or a house and then have Mike come from NYC to our new residence. I don't know how he would take it though. I mean, leaving him in NYC for 1 maybe 2 months... that might be asking a bit much from him. Essentially it would be have him shack up with our friend Walter and continue to work while continuing to make deposits and get the company mail. After about 1 or 2 months when he has a huge amount saved have him come to whatever state we are moving to with a nice surplus of cash to sit on.

I don't know. It's too risky. What's life without a little risk tho? I never take a risk... maybe this time I should. What do you guys think? I mean MA was nice... lower cost of living than in Vermont (yes I was thinking of moving to Vermont)... I do have a friend in MA that I feel I could have as part of a support system. (Keep me from going absolutely insane). I am sure he'd probably scream if I told him I was moving to MA. I dunno what to do... I am so bad at risks, but I can see that a change is needed... badly. Then again my friend in MA is rumored to be moving out of MA... maybe I can get the web business jumping and hire him to get him to stay in MA.

What do you guys think?

Sometimes... take 2!

So I decided I was gonna try to be an aggressive bottom this morning. The husband was once again as hard as a rock and I figured screw it... no screw me. LOL. So I dropped the undies a bit let him knock on my door.... and he turns over ass all on... my ass. WTF!?! Been power top for ever.. just want to try something different and I get nada. Later he is gonna want to get tied up. Maybe I will just forget how to make a good knot.

Remember... it can't always be about just one of you... both need to be taken care of.

Now I feel like being vindictive; which is always a bad thing.

Sometimes... just sometimes

I am a Submissive Top by nature. My man wants an Aggressive Top and don't get it twisted bitches... I can be big and intimidating... just what he likes. But sometimes... just sometimes... I want to be myself and be taken. Hell maybe even once a year get topped. But alas it seems to not be in the cards for me. Sometimes... just sometimes... I ask myself, why did I get married.

Happy Birthday!!!

Today is my husbands birthday. 41 years ago on this day he was born... and you know I never let him forget it. This is what I got him for his Birthday. I got so tired of hearing him complain about his crappy monitor that, for the sake of my own sanity and to look like "Super Husband", I got him a 19" Wide Screen LCD Monitor. Oh btw... after missing the opportunity to take pictures of the hotties at last weekends Friday Party (the ones my phone took sucked) I finally broke down and bought a digital camera. That's how I got the picture of my husband looking goofily happy about his gift.

A Fabulous Weekend

This is pretty much everything that happened on my recent weekend in Worcester, MA. I stayed with Jaeryd and .... well... watch the damn vBlog! To Jaeryd, Thank you. You were a fantastic host and chaperone. I didn't talk about a few things because I don't feel it was my place to. But do tell Matty that if I ever see the fucker who did that to him it won't end happily. Tell Carl... hrmmmm... what to tell Carl. Well tell him I said *Dr. Claw's Voice* Next time gadget... next time. The karate kid and Caesar should come over for a game of poker or twister the next time I come up. Thank everybody for making me feel welcome... and hot. :P

10 More Questions!