As some of you may know, I had been basically married for the past 10yrs with my husband, Mike. As some of you may also know, we also had a crisis of relationship that destroyed my trust in him about 3 months ago. Well... I fought... I fought hard. I fought to try to regain my trust in him... tooth and nail. I did not give up easily. But it came to a head... with our moving to Mass... to my trips up there and making friends... it all became real. I was still distrustful and even downright resentful. Knowing I was uncertain of our relationship and not wanting to drag him along for a ride only to end it under harsher circumstances... I ended my 10 yr marriage.
It hurt more than I could have ever imagined. I never want nor wanted to hurt him. I knew I inevitably would. I would rather end this relationship with love in my heart for him... not resentment and fear.
I did not come to this easily. He saved my life. If it weren't for him I would be dead or in jail. I am not comfortable with the idea of being alone. I am not comfortable with the idea of losing him forever... which may be the case. But I can't go forward... not with him. I will only end up hurting him. I spent most of the nights Thanksgiving week crying at Jaeryd's. I knew that given all that has happened I couldn't go back. I knew what I was going home to do. I spent the entire bus ride home blinking back tears. I know how receptive I was to ones advances this past week. While nothing aside from a kiss occurred... I knew. I knew that the resentment I still felt was going to push me away, maybe even into the arms of another. I love Mike too much to do that him. He says he'd probably deal with it. I will not allow that... I love him too much to hurt him that way.
I still have a lot to learn. I am jealous... that needs to change. I am insecure... that needs to change. I am full of distrust... that needs to change. I don't trust him; I don't trust me. I can't be in a relationship with someone I love but can't trust. He should not have to be in that position.
I am hoping to grow, to learn, to experience. I can tell you guys what, that screenplay I spoke of in past blogs, I think it was a vBlog, I can get past the first 10 pages. I now know what it means to have loved and lost. I hope I can come out of it ok. But I can write the romantic comedy I think. I don't know how it will end. But I do know the first half.
Maybe we will meet again some where down the line and the time will be right. Maybe we will never be together again (I am sure we can be friends... we have been best friends for 10yrs). But I know I will never lose the 10yrs we spent together. I learned happiness was possible. With the life I had up to that point, I had no hope for any happiness in my life. He showed me it was possible to have happiness. A lesson that forced me to change for the better. I am losing out here... but thats ok. I can't win all the time, it can't rain all the time either.
-Daemian
P.S. I am moving to Mass still. Saving up the money to move during Dec. Gonna pull overtime n stuff. Try to sell some of my electronics from the store on eBay for some quick cash. So at the end of Dec til prob mid Jan I may be MIA. You know gotta get internet out there.
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