So... much like I promised I have had Mike answer the question that has been requested. Without further ado...
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
One Last Weekend...
So here I am, Saturday... so far all I have done is lecture Mike on the mistakes he is making. He makes the same mistakes over and over again. He is too smart for this. I don't know if he is trying to make me worry to get me to stay. I don't know if he is really just oblivious to these mistakes. But I can see him making the same mistakes, it is like watching a giant brain ram itself into a brick wall over and over again trying to get to the other side. Instead of just using the fucking door to his right.
This is our last weekend together. We have not... "done the nasty"... and I don't think we will. It will just confuse the situation and send mixed messages to us both. I can see it now, he's over there looking at other people personals. Gets hot for them then tries to come on to me. During the act he'd say how much he loved me and wishes I weren't leaving. Then after, he'd go back to looking at other peoples personals and sending them emails right here in front of me. No.
I have to now force myself to not give a shit. It is his life. Tho I ultimately want him to be happy... I can't make him take steps towards that happiness. I can't protect him and I have to let go of the idea that somehow I can still protect him. This Hero Complex can be a real mind fuck sometimes. It is like watching an old lady crossing the road against the light, a huge car barreling towards her, and not taking any action on my part to save her. But he is an adult, he can make his own decisions... and if it gets him hurt or maimed or otherwise end badly... that will have to be his own cross to bare. I can not carry it for him.
Our last weekend together... 10yrs of weekends ends tomorrow. I am unsure of how I feel about this. There are a whole host of emotions I have never felt before. I don't quite know what to do with them. So all I want to do is hit things. But anger management has taught me a few things about dealing with feelings... so hopefully I won't be walking around looking for a reason to beat people up. I am a better person now than I was 10 years ago and my self control is exemplary. Hell I made it through the holiday at work without having to threaten a coworker that was a complete asshole the entire month.
I am going to be ok. I figured out my self esteem conflict. I have come to realize that as a teenager I had built my entire concept of self esteem on the basis that I was a good lover. I learned all sorts of tricks and built stamina and longevity and learned to be an attentive lover and a damn good kisser. Some of that came naturally, latino heat papi chulos.... but more of it came from learning. I had heard so many good things from people after sex, more than enough of them couldn't get enough. My ego had grown tremendously as did my sense of self and confidence. This relationship slowly stripped it all away. 6 months of no sex at all. 9 years and 6 months of sexual rejection from the partner who said he loved me. We'd have sex 1 time a month at BEST. I would get shut down 30 days of the month. I have come to see that basing my sense of self on my sexual performance, my attractiveness to other etc... was a mistake. I was also a teenager and was prone to foolish mistakes. This time around I have to do it differently. I have to tell myself I am sexxy, confident, smart, a good fucker and a good kisser along with being a good, honorable person. I have to want me first. Funny thing, I seem... in true Daemian fashion... to be speeding towards it. So I don't think it will take much more than a couple of weeks of dancing to get myself back. ;)
Self esteem, self worth... it's all so strange that we can be torn down by an idea. Well, it is time to own that idea so that no one can tear it down. I am cute, I am funny, I am sexxy, I am smart, I am a good and honorable person.
Screw what the world thinks! It's all about me now.
-Daemian
This is our last weekend together. We have not... "done the nasty"... and I don't think we will. It will just confuse the situation and send mixed messages to us both. I can see it now, he's over there looking at other people personals. Gets hot for them then tries to come on to me. During the act he'd say how much he loved me and wishes I weren't leaving. Then after, he'd go back to looking at other peoples personals and sending them emails right here in front of me. No.
I have to now force myself to not give a shit. It is his life. Tho I ultimately want him to be happy... I can't make him take steps towards that happiness. I can't protect him and I have to let go of the idea that somehow I can still protect him. This Hero Complex can be a real mind fuck sometimes. It is like watching an old lady crossing the road against the light, a huge car barreling towards her, and not taking any action on my part to save her. But he is an adult, he can make his own decisions... and if it gets him hurt or maimed or otherwise end badly... that will have to be his own cross to bare. I can not carry it for him.
Our last weekend together... 10yrs of weekends ends tomorrow. I am unsure of how I feel about this. There are a whole host of emotions I have never felt before. I don't quite know what to do with them. So all I want to do is hit things. But anger management has taught me a few things about dealing with feelings... so hopefully I won't be walking around looking for a reason to beat people up. I am a better person now than I was 10 years ago and my self control is exemplary. Hell I made it through the holiday at work without having to threaten a coworker that was a complete asshole the entire month.
I am going to be ok. I figured out my self esteem conflict. I have come to realize that as a teenager I had built my entire concept of self esteem on the basis that I was a good lover. I learned all sorts of tricks and built stamina and longevity and learned to be an attentive lover and a damn good kisser. Some of that came naturally, latino heat papi chulos.... but more of it came from learning. I had heard so many good things from people after sex, more than enough of them couldn't get enough. My ego had grown tremendously as did my sense of self and confidence. This relationship slowly stripped it all away. 6 months of no sex at all. 9 years and 6 months of sexual rejection from the partner who said he loved me. We'd have sex 1 time a month at BEST. I would get shut down 30 days of the month. I have come to see that basing my sense of self on my sexual performance, my attractiveness to other etc... was a mistake. I was also a teenager and was prone to foolish mistakes. This time around I have to do it differently. I have to tell myself I am sexxy, confident, smart, a good fucker and a good kisser along with being a good, honorable person. I have to want me first. Funny thing, I seem... in true Daemian fashion... to be speeding towards it. So I don't think it will take much more than a couple of weeks of dancing to get myself back. ;)
Self esteem, self worth... it's all so strange that we can be torn down by an idea. Well, it is time to own that idea so that no one can tear it down. I am cute, I am funny, I am sexxy, I am smart, I am a good and honorable person.
Screw what the world thinks! It's all about me now.
-Daemian
Thursday, December 27, 2007
It's The Final Countdown...
So we are coming to a fast end of my era here. Tomorrow is my last day with K&D. Unfortunately they have not found a replacement for me. What did they expect? I came here and took the crummy pay because I was desperate. I had been out of work for a long time and tho my landlord was very patient with us, I knew the patience was wearing thin. So I took a job as their Mac Tech for 14.50 an hour. Ouch. They got more than they had anticipated tho. I am also a graphic designer and tend to have a way with electronics. I am also very versatile in what I can do. Before I knew it my job description had grown to something mythic.
So in looking for my replacement I had to post the job on Craig's List as I saw fit. I gave a full run down of my duties, of employer expectations etc... we got resumes from people who won't do the job for below 50k. YES BITCHES... 50 FUCKIN' K!
Did I sell myself short or what?
We had 2 prospects that the company could actually afford. Neither of them want the job. This is bad for them but may work in my favor. I may end up working remotely for K&D. Given this is a Mac based store... it will actually be easy and would be a damn good source of cash for the Mass. base standard of living. So we shall see how that goes.
So tomorrow is my last day. I have trained the shipping X-Mas helper fully in the shipping system so that is taken care of. Graphic Design... I think I will be stuck with K&D for a long time with that. It is so hard to find a tech that can also do graphic design these days.
These last 2 days are strange. I never left a job this way before. I am leaving here without having people, the ones that matter, hate me or fire me nor am I quitting because they are trying to screw me. So this is a very different dynamic and only illustrates the method in which I am breaking up with Mike. We don't hate each other.
As these are my last two days of work it could only mean something else. This will be my last weekend with Mike. I dunno what we should do this last weekend. His plan is to basically keep me bare assed and to have as much sex as possible. I don't know if that is such a good idea. It is hard enough to leave as it is, wouldn't a weekend of unbridled sex make that harder to do? Perhaps that is his plan. To make it harder, not that I blame him. I did not give up easily... why should he give up easily? If he knows the way to my heart is a good fuck... then why not use it? I would.
The 3rd of January is coming quickly. We have a shit ton of cleaning to do so I can actually find my shit. I have a shit ton of packing to do, well not really... but packing sucks regardless of the volume. It is going to be hard to go through some of the items, a lot of shit we bought for each other... memories... a lot of shit we bought for US... I think I will let him keep most everything. I am the one leaving, I should be the one who has to start over. So I have to gather my clothes, including the gay superhero shirts Mike made for me... feeds my hero complex, my video games for the PS2 and Game Cube, my consoles, my computer and my statues of Buddha.
I am actually feeling better about my decision. I keep reiterating to Mike that he should not sleep around to hide the pain. That he should allow himself to feel it and get over it. I don't want him to do to someone else what he did to me. Our first year together, 2 years after his first love, and he was still citing that being with me felt like he was cheating on his ex of 2yrs. Yeah... I don't want him to do that to someone else about me. Lessons need to be learned. He tried to screw his way to better mental health before and it did not work out for him. It almost ended our relationship before it began. So with that, I hope he takes care of his mind before he whores around. After your mind is right and you want to whore around... fine. But to do it to hide the pain only to bring that pain to your next relationship is a bad thing.
But, all of that being said... I am not too worried about him anymore. I have been reading my Zen books and trying to learn to detach. To a degree it is working. I did do a video, but it is for his eyes only to be seen after I am gone. Sorry chulos... you can't see it. I will do another video blog before I leave NYC. A few have asked that Mike answers the question on how we lasted so long. I think that will be the next vBlog. It will be a video of he and I and I think we will just
have him answer the question from his point of view... but in a past tense. Just because we are over NOW does not mean we didn't do something amazing. 10yrs chulos... that's a long time. So you guys can look forward to that. My next vBlog after that will be from my new home in MA.
I am excited, sad and terrified. I'd be a fool if I weren't scared, a bigger fool if I wasn't sad and a titan of a fool if I was not excited. There is an entire world of possibility out there that did not exist as long as Mike and I remained. New things to do, new people to do, new experiences to have and a new me to find. From 18 til now I have been US. Now it is time to find 'Me'. To grow up beyond what I have so far, which is a lot. Time to be 20 something while I am still 20 something. The jealousy is actually leaving me. Sort of interesting. As I am detaching I am finding myself having a different mode of thought. Not so sad, not so angry, not so jealous. I still feel those things, but in a much smaller quantity.
So this is the final countdown. 1 day left at work and 6 days left in NYC. I have butterflies in my stomach. Bad and good.
-Daemian
So in looking for my replacement I had to post the job on Craig's List as I saw fit. I gave a full run down of my duties, of employer expectations etc... we got resumes from people who won't do the job for below 50k. YES BITCHES... 50 FUCKIN' K!
Did I sell myself short or what?
We had 2 prospects that the company could actually afford. Neither of them want the job. This is bad for them but may work in my favor. I may end up working remotely for K&D. Given this is a Mac based store... it will actually be easy and would be a damn good source of cash for the Mass. base standard of living. So we shall see how that goes.
So tomorrow is my last day. I have trained the shipping X-Mas helper fully in the shipping system so that is taken care of. Graphic Design... I think I will be stuck with K&D for a long time with that. It is so hard to find a tech that can also do graphic design these days.
These last 2 days are strange. I never left a job this way before. I am leaving here without having people, the ones that matter, hate me or fire me nor am I quitting because they are trying to screw me. So this is a very different dynamic and only illustrates the method in which I am breaking up with Mike. We don't hate each other.
As these are my last two days of work it could only mean something else. This will be my last weekend with Mike. I dunno what we should do this last weekend. His plan is to basically keep me bare assed and to have as much sex as possible. I don't know if that is such a good idea. It is hard enough to leave as it is, wouldn't a weekend of unbridled sex make that harder to do? Perhaps that is his plan. To make it harder, not that I blame him. I did not give up easily... why should he give up easily? If he knows the way to my heart is a good fuck... then why not use it? I would.
The 3rd of January is coming quickly. We have a shit ton of cleaning to do so I can actually find my shit. I have a shit ton of packing to do, well not really... but packing sucks regardless of the volume. It is going to be hard to go through some of the items, a lot of shit we bought for each other... memories... a lot of shit we bought for US... I think I will let him keep most everything. I am the one leaving, I should be the one who has to start over. So I have to gather my clothes, including the gay superhero shirts Mike made for me... feeds my hero complex, my video games for the PS2 and Game Cube, my consoles, my computer and my statues of Buddha.
I am actually feeling better about my decision. I keep reiterating to Mike that he should not sleep around to hide the pain. That he should allow himself to feel it and get over it. I don't want him to do to someone else what he did to me. Our first year together, 2 years after his first love, and he was still citing that being with me felt like he was cheating on his ex of 2yrs. Yeah... I don't want him to do that to someone else about me. Lessons need to be learned. He tried to screw his way to better mental health before and it did not work out for him. It almost ended our relationship before it began. So with that, I hope he takes care of his mind before he whores around. After your mind is right and you want to whore around... fine. But to do it to hide the pain only to bring that pain to your next relationship is a bad thing.
But, all of that being said... I am not too worried about him anymore. I have been reading my Zen books and trying to learn to detach. To a degree it is working. I did do a video, but it is for his eyes only to be seen after I am gone. Sorry chulos... you can't see it. I will do another video blog before I leave NYC. A few have asked that Mike answers the question on how we lasted so long. I think that will be the next vBlog. It will be a video of he and I and I think we will just
have him answer the question from his point of view... but in a past tense. Just because we are over NOW does not mean we didn't do something amazing. 10yrs chulos... that's a long time. So you guys can look forward to that. My next vBlog after that will be from my new home in MA.
I am excited, sad and terrified. I'd be a fool if I weren't scared, a bigger fool if I wasn't sad and a titan of a fool if I was not excited. There is an entire world of possibility out there that did not exist as long as Mike and I remained. New things to do, new people to do, new experiences to have and a new me to find. From 18 til now I have been US. Now it is time to find 'Me'. To grow up beyond what I have so far, which is a lot. Time to be 20 something while I am still 20 something. The jealousy is actually leaving me. Sort of interesting. As I am detaching I am finding myself having a different mode of thought. Not so sad, not so angry, not so jealous. I still feel those things, but in a much smaller quantity.
So this is the final countdown. 1 day left at work and 6 days left in NYC. I have butterflies in my stomach. Bad and good.
-Daemian
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Oh... Holy... Shit
Now... Mike has made it no secret that he didn't like dick piercings. So the one I had I took out. But every now and then I would stick a ring through it to keep it from closing. He of course knew nothing about this. No matter now tho right? So anywho... I hadn't done it for a while and decided to go on and do it tonight. Well fuck me with a log that has rusty nails sticking out of it. The DAMN HOLE CLOSED!!! I can't get anything through it.
I wish I was joking... but I am not. The god damn hole closed up. Now... I can be an enjoyer of pain as pleasure as the next man with a serious mind fuck, but damn I don't want to have to get this sucker re-pierced and then be celibate til the damn thing heals. Damn! Oh... Holy... Shit...
What's the next best kinky thing I could do with my pecker? Maybe get a 69 (Cancer... dirty minded bitches) tattooed at the base of my shaft. That'd be hot I think. I think I need to go scream in a pillow. I can't believe the fucking hole closed.
-Daemian
I wish I was joking... but I am not. The god damn hole closed up. Now... I can be an enjoyer of pain as pleasure as the next man with a serious mind fuck, but damn I don't want to have to get this sucker re-pierced and then be celibate til the damn thing heals. Damn! Oh... Holy... Shit...
What's the next best kinky thing I could do with my pecker? Maybe get a 69 (Cancer... dirty minded bitches) tattooed at the base of my shaft. That'd be hot I think. I think I need to go scream in a pillow. I can't believe the fucking hole closed.
-Daemian
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas to My Hottie of the Year!
Now... given that Jaeryd and I think alike, very different tastes in men but we do think alike, some of you may remember my "Hottie of the Month" from my live journal site which turned into I think it was "Hottie of the Day" when I moved over here to blogger. Well dammit.. it's fucking Christmas, I am a single bitch now and my ex is not around. So what is a man to do? I know! Look at pictures of guys he thinks are hot and then the one he jerks off to wins hottie of the year.
So for the second year, not in a row, Aaron Lewis from Staind is once again my Hottie of the Year!
Pay attention people. If you are thinking of hooking me up with your friends etc... this man is EXACTLY my type. Of course I prefer the stockier photos of him, the first pic below is ok.. I like the more recent ones better. I also like stocky boys with an attitude. Give me a man that could put me in my place and make me shut up any day. He is dark, brooding, stocky, tattooed, pierced, emotional and damaged... oh my God. I want him in a bad way. I think guys that are of the same body, head shape and face type are the hottest men to walk this earth. Screw tight abs, they do nothing for me. Given I am an emotional sponge and wear my heart on my sleeve, a man like this would pwn me. I bet he would be a good aggressive bottom! Yum!
Hey I gotta get happy somehow right?
-Daemian
So for the second year, not in a row, Aaron Lewis from Staind is once again my Hottie of the Year!
Pay attention people. If you are thinking of hooking me up with your friends etc... this man is EXACTLY my type. Of course I prefer the stockier photos of him, the first pic below is ok.. I like the more recent ones better. I also like stocky boys with an attitude. Give me a man that could put me in my place and make me shut up any day. He is dark, brooding, stocky, tattooed, pierced, emotional and damaged... oh my God. I want him in a bad way. I think guys that are of the same body, head shape and face type are the hottest men to walk this earth. Screw tight abs, they do nothing for me. Given I am an emotional sponge and wear my heart on my sleeve, a man like this would pwn me. I bet he would be a good aggressive bottom! Yum!
Hey I gotta get happy somehow right?
-Daemian
Monday, December 24, 2007
Holiday!
Happy Holidays Chulos!
I hope everyone has a great holiday and that Santa left you all the hot studs you could handle under the tree.... complete with bows.
Mike is away with his family this holiday and tomorrow I go down to Jersey to be with my own family. To be totally honest, I feel better not having him around as a constant reminder of next weeks events. I slept well, jerked off a few times had full run of the place. I think my moving away will be for the best and will only speed up my healing from this whole ordeal. Granted there is the lingering fear that I am going to move and find that I can't live without him. But my boss gave me some advice... he said... as long as you still breath, you can live without him. Don't let this ruin all that you have going for you, because then you will blame that failure on the break up.
He is right, then he gave me a big bear hug and wished me luck. (He is on vacation this week and won't be here to see me off for my last day on Friday. He is my favorite person in the entire store. He was the one who hired me.
Apparently I will be getting my bonus before I leave... YAY! I need all the money I can gather.
This may not have been the jolliest of holiday seasons for me... but in interest of goodwill towards men and all that jazz... I'll smile for the day... and with that I shall say...
...Merry Christmas to all and to all a good lay!
I hope everyone has a great holiday and that Santa left you all the hot studs you could handle under the tree.... complete with bows.
Mike is away with his family this holiday and tomorrow I go down to Jersey to be with my own family. To be totally honest, I feel better not having him around as a constant reminder of next weeks events. I slept well, jerked off a few times had full run of the place. I think my moving away will be for the best and will only speed up my healing from this whole ordeal. Granted there is the lingering fear that I am going to move and find that I can't live without him. But my boss gave me some advice... he said... as long as you still breath, you can live without him. Don't let this ruin all that you have going for you, because then you will blame that failure on the break up.
He is right, then he gave me a big bear hug and wished me luck. (He is on vacation this week and won't be here to see me off for my last day on Friday. He is my favorite person in the entire store. He was the one who hired me.
Apparently I will be getting my bonus before I leave... YAY! I need all the money I can gather.
This may not have been the jolliest of holiday seasons for me... but in interest of goodwill towards men and all that jazz... I'll smile for the day... and with that I shall say...
...Merry Christmas to all and to all a good lay!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
All It Takes...
Sometimes all it takes is a little pampering and a slight shift of power to make you feel SOOOOOOOOOO much better.
I went and got a haircut this morning and damn... I feel good. It's amazing how something as small as a haircut can change your entire mood and mode of behavior. I feel sexier. I feel happier. Such a simple thing. Throw in a slight shift in power, upon realizing that I could do as Mike does and hurt him just as bad... I decided that instead of me worrying about what he'll be doing on a day like this when I have to work and he doesn't... I'll give him something to worry about. I hate games but if he wants to play we can play. Hopefully he doesn't want to play. Either way... I don't feel so down today. Immediately after the hair cut I felt great!
Now to find a suitable barber shop in Worcester! I can feel like a sexy beast all the time!
Almost forgot, does not hurt to get a wink from a hot fucker on the way to work either. It's going to go right to my head, I know it.
-Daemian
I went and got a haircut this morning and damn... I feel good. It's amazing how something as small as a haircut can change your entire mood and mode of behavior. I feel sexier. I feel happier. Such a simple thing. Throw in a slight shift in power, upon realizing that I could do as Mike does and hurt him just as bad... I decided that instead of me worrying about what he'll be doing on a day like this when I have to work and he doesn't... I'll give him something to worry about. I hate games but if he wants to play we can play. Hopefully he doesn't want to play. Either way... I don't feel so down today. Immediately after the hair cut I felt great!
Now to find a suitable barber shop in Worcester! I can feel like a sexy beast all the time!
Almost forgot, does not hurt to get a wink from a hot fucker on the way to work either. It's going to go right to my head, I know it.
-Daemian
Friday, December 21, 2007
Anger...
My sorrow has turned to anger. Mike and I do frequent common web forums. As I was reading his biolog I get to read the lie. I won't say what the lie is, all I will say is that I have never seen this side of him before. Could he lie? Sure... but I never thought he would nor could do that to me. He lied about me and us. No matter now. I guess I have to stop caring. I am so fucking angry right now.
He won't say what the catalyst was.
In fact makes it sound like he some quirk I can't deal and am running away with my tail between my legs. I just can't believe this. The anger just makes me want to be vindictive.
I have been becoming increasingly more hostile to the outside world. Mostly, I guess, it's because I don't know what else to do with the hurt. But now anger... I know what I normally do with it, but with all that is going on all I feel is the need to hit something.
I hope I don't revert to former behaviors. I have to get a better hold of myself.
Not good.
-Daemian
He won't say what the catalyst was.
In fact makes it sound like he some quirk I can't deal and am running away with my tail between my legs. I just can't believe this. The anger just makes me want to be vindictive.
I have been becoming increasingly more hostile to the outside world. Mostly, I guess, it's because I don't know what else to do with the hurt. But now anger... I know what I normally do with it, but with all that is going on all I feel is the need to hit something.
I hope I don't revert to former behaviors. I have to get a better hold of myself.
Not good.
-Daemian
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Just Want to Scream...
It has been a most insane month for me as you can gather. Between the break up, living with my ex and work all I want to do is scream. I mean it is slow here for me for the moment. I have not taken a lunch break in 2 weeks! This is not even my lunch break, this is just 5 minutes of peace. My smoking has come back full force. I am so bad at dealing with my anger in times like these, so I have been smoking like a chimney. How does one expect me to work on 2 different projects at the exact same time without making ANY mistakes? Am I to grow another set of arms?
I have been coming in at an odd hour of rush hour in which the trains decide to slow down and every stop means more and more people. I mean, they want to raise the fare yet again and we are still dealing with the crap they promised to fix after the first are hike. I mean really... makes me just want to scream.
Then I have to deal with the people at work who can't seem to wipe their own asses. I mean... how do they live without their mothers? It's insane. I can't stand when people are shown something or a procedure 10 times and still can't grasp the concept. Even worse is when they refuse to help themselves.
Makes me just want to scream.
Well... that was cathartic. I feel better now.
-Daemian
I have been coming in at an odd hour of rush hour in which the trains decide to slow down and every stop means more and more people. I mean, they want to raise the fare yet again and we are still dealing with the crap they promised to fix after the first are hike. I mean really... makes me just want to scream.
Then I have to deal with the people at work who can't seem to wipe their own asses. I mean... how do they live without their mothers? It's insane. I can't stand when people are shown something or a procedure 10 times and still can't grasp the concept. Even worse is when they refuse to help themselves.
Makes me just want to scream.
Well... that was cathartic. I feel better now.
-Daemian
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I Don't Wanna!!!
God, I took a shower, I'm in my jeans and a T-Sihrt and I have to go to work. God I don't want to go. I know it will be a bazillion hours of pumping out shipping stickers, helping people with stupid internet problems in which the problem usually lies between the keyboard and the chair while at the same time not being able to just knock someones head off for pissing me off.
I have to go to work...
I don't wanna!
Dammit!
-D
I have to go to work...
I don't wanna!
Dammit!
-D
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
A Release... Love Don't Live Here Anymore...
Here we are... yet again. I have released him of the deal. I can't walk around worrying about it. I have been wayyyyy too preoccupied with is he honoring the deal or not. I haven't been able to sleep, eat without the use of pot or think. I can not believe the amount of fuckups I have been a part of this past month. I mean silly simple shit. Down right disgraceful.
Then if you read the last post... he'd already broken the deal.
That being said I have done a lot of thinking. I know.. bad bad bad. But I had a eureka moment. Love is great. When things are going well love can be the answer to many of life's issues. But nothing lasts forever. One way or another the love has to end. Be it by death or by a breakup.
So I am no longer mourning the loss of the relationship. Instead I am mourning the loss of my ability to love. Love don't live here anymore.
Let me qualify that, it is not about "Oh woe is me! I will never find someone to love or be loved by again!". Nope... not at all. What it is about is this. The breakup has been the most painful experience of my life. More painful than losing family members etc. So I have decided I don't WANT love. I am going to try an emotional experiment on myself. The experiment will be to close my heart off. Make it a no fly zone. Being someone ruled by his emotions, this will prove difficult indeed. But if I can manage to close my heart and maybe get a new hobby, I will never have to go through this again. So its not that I can't love again, it's that I don't want to. It is inevitable that it, love, will have to end at some point. Both methods are too painful. I guess it is coming from a point of view of being practical. I only need to touch fire once to know it is hot and to not touch it again.
-Daemian
Then if you read the last post... he'd already broken the deal.
That being said I have done a lot of thinking. I know.. bad bad bad. But I had a eureka moment. Love is great. When things are going well love can be the answer to many of life's issues. But nothing lasts forever. One way or another the love has to end. Be it by death or by a breakup.
So I am no longer mourning the loss of the relationship. Instead I am mourning the loss of my ability to love. Love don't live here anymore.
Let me qualify that, it is not about "Oh woe is me! I will never find someone to love or be loved by again!". Nope... not at all. What it is about is this. The breakup has been the most painful experience of my life. More painful than losing family members etc. So I have decided I don't WANT love. I am going to try an emotional experiment on myself. The experiment will be to close my heart off. Make it a no fly zone. Being someone ruled by his emotions, this will prove difficult indeed. But if I can manage to close my heart and maybe get a new hobby, I will never have to go through this again. So its not that I can't love again, it's that I don't want to. It is inevitable that it, love, will have to end at some point. Both methods are too painful. I guess it is coming from a point of view of being practical. I only need to touch fire once to know it is hot and to not touch it again.
-Daemian
Friday, December 14, 2007
He Broke The Deal...
Well, it was bound to happen. One of us was bound to break the deal. It just so happens it was he who broke it. As I type this he is on the phone with some guy planning a date, while I am home, after which he will probably go and masturbate in the bathroom for the next 45minutes. This breaks the deal of us not doing this in front of each other. The phone rang and he sprang to life. Usually it has to ring 9 times before he gets it. Yeah... I knew. Shit...
I asked him who was on the phone, hoping it was Dave or someone, and he says "a potential boyfriend... er date."
That being the case, let the flood gates open. By tomorrow's end I should have a few phone numbers to call maybe even give them mine and give them permission to call before I leave. See this is the vindictive nature I can hold. If he can do it... so can I.
As much as I hate to admit it... this is not going to end well.
-D
I asked him who was on the phone, hoping it was Dave or someone, and he says "a potential boyfriend... er date."
That being the case, let the flood gates open. By tomorrow's end I should have a few phone numbers to call maybe even give them mine and give them permission to call before I leave. See this is the vindictive nature I can hold. If he can do it... so can I.
As much as I hate to admit it... this is not going to end well.
-D
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Oh Papi... Just a Taste...
I'm such a tease. My bad... I know the title is a tad misleading, but yes chulos you will all get just a taste... of the book I am writing. Every now and then I will release pages in a progression. So the page you see may not be the page I am on at that time. I am thinking I will make a single chapter (not gonna be a big book tho) available 1 page at a time. The intention of the delivery is to give an interior monologue of the events. This is mostly to give the readers an insight into the main character. You get to read what he is thinking. All actually spoken words will be indicated by being italicized with sounds in bold. Before anyone gets any bright ideas... I have all released pages post marked and mailed to me to prove copyright. :P Damn stalkeratzi!
For those who missed it... click this link for page 1!
Enjoy!
-D
___________________________________
Dec 13th
Sunday afternoon and I wake up in some dingy motel room. I can still smell the hooker I brought home last night. It's a sweet smell, a mix of sweat, pheromones and Brute. He was a cheap hooker. I turn my head to glance at the clock, 2pm. My mind beings to wander and it brings me back to him. He owned my heart and I destroyed his.
Back when I used to run with the fellas, before I got fingered in court for the robbery, my guy was the finest I had ever seen. He was a tall fellow stood clear up to me at my own 6'4, not particularly pretty but rugged. I can almost feel him now. His eyes were a cold steel blue, his hair was black as death itself. The chiseled features, I can see them now... a broad squared jaw. He was a dream come true. Better than any broad who felt her oats enough to try to get me. Nick, Nick was his name. Yeah... those were the days.
knock
Room service!
Dammit, I could have sworn I left the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. Shit, must have fallen off when last nights trash left in the middle of the night. The kid had a smile on his face so big they're gonna have to chisel it of his face when he's dead. I have a habit of doing that. I fuck them then all of a sudden they're in love. Silly kid... he hasn't even seen the world yet.
knock knock knock
Room Service! Guest are you in there?
This one's persistent.
I'll be right there!
I get up and put on my pants. No need for the maid to see my jewels. The walk over to the door reveals the consequences of last nights... excursion. My head throbs, almost feels like what I imagine Chinese Water Torture to feel like. I drank too much, I fucked too much... at least there's a used rubber on the floor. That much got done right. Imagine that... 24 hours out of the joint and I have already contracted an STD. Thank god for that condom being there.
I stumble my way to the door, trying to avoid any light switch along the way. As I open the door there is a homely looking woman behind thick glasses staring at me. Almost quaint in her House Keeper uniform, she looks at me and says:
From the looks of this place I am in need. What did you two boys do in here? Looks like Ella Fitzgerald was here with Dizzy Gillespi and throw in those Rolling Stones boys while yer at it. Crimmeny! Well I didn't raise 5 boys well into adulthood to not be used to this sorta thing. You know... I was the house keeper here when each of those famous types were here. I was here for Sonny and Cher, Elvis, even Patsy Kline....
As she began to drone on and on about the famous people whose puke she's cleaned up in the past 100 years I get a familiar feeling. A feeling of hope and dread. Is he here? The one stalking me? I know it couldn't be Nick. He always had a way of giving me hope and the secret I held caused nothing but dread. I was falling in love with him and was holding back a horrific secret. Besides, Nick has been dead for 10 years. He went and killed himself after I was sentenced to 15yrs in upstate. I'll never quite no why. I never asked him to put his life on hold and wait for me. He was young, 26, had his entire life to live. But his note read that a life without me was no life at all. I knew I was gonna hurt the kid, never did I imagine it would end like this.
...Oh my I have gone on and on and this room is not gonna clean itself Mister....
...David, my name is David.
Well Mister David, I have work to do. Your check out time is 5pm unless you decide to stay another night.
She's a pleasant woman, a tad too chatty for my taste. I grab my bag and head to the shower. The shower is dingy, years of use and abuse. The hospital blue tiles only serve to make the hangover that much worse. I turn off the light and turn on the shower. At least it give good hot water.
Steam fills the room and my mind goes back to him. Suddenly I am shaken. The feeling... it's back and this time who ever or what ever it is... it's close.
©2007
_____________________________________
For those who missed it... click this link for page 1!
Enjoy!
-D
___________________________________
Dec 13th
Sunday afternoon and I wake up in some dingy motel room. I can still smell the hooker I brought home last night. It's a sweet smell, a mix of sweat, pheromones and Brute. He was a cheap hooker. I turn my head to glance at the clock, 2pm. My mind beings to wander and it brings me back to him. He owned my heart and I destroyed his.
Back when I used to run with the fellas, before I got fingered in court for the robbery, my guy was the finest I had ever seen. He was a tall fellow stood clear up to me at my own 6'4, not particularly pretty but rugged. I can almost feel him now. His eyes were a cold steel blue, his hair was black as death itself. The chiseled features, I can see them now... a broad squared jaw. He was a dream come true. Better than any broad who felt her oats enough to try to get me. Nick, Nick was his name. Yeah... those were the days.
knock
Room service!
Dammit, I could have sworn I left the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. Shit, must have fallen off when last nights trash left in the middle of the night. The kid had a smile on his face so big they're gonna have to chisel it of his face when he's dead. I have a habit of doing that. I fuck them then all of a sudden they're in love. Silly kid... he hasn't even seen the world yet.
knock knock knock
Room Service! Guest are you in there?
This one's persistent.
I'll be right there!
I get up and put on my pants. No need for the maid to see my jewels. The walk over to the door reveals the consequences of last nights... excursion. My head throbs, almost feels like what I imagine Chinese Water Torture to feel like. I drank too much, I fucked too much... at least there's a used rubber on the floor. That much got done right. Imagine that... 24 hours out of the joint and I have already contracted an STD. Thank god for that condom being there.
I stumble my way to the door, trying to avoid any light switch along the way. As I open the door there is a homely looking woman behind thick glasses staring at me. Almost quaint in her House Keeper uniform, she looks at me and says:
From the looks of this place I am in need. What did you two boys do in here? Looks like Ella Fitzgerald was here with Dizzy Gillespi and throw in those Rolling Stones boys while yer at it. Crimmeny! Well I didn't raise 5 boys well into adulthood to not be used to this sorta thing. You know... I was the house keeper here when each of those famous types were here. I was here for Sonny and Cher, Elvis, even Patsy Kline....
As she began to drone on and on about the famous people whose puke she's cleaned up in the past 100 years I get a familiar feeling. A feeling of hope and dread. Is he here? The one stalking me? I know it couldn't be Nick. He always had a way of giving me hope and the secret I held caused nothing but dread. I was falling in love with him and was holding back a horrific secret. Besides, Nick has been dead for 10 years. He went and killed himself after I was sentenced to 15yrs in upstate. I'll never quite no why. I never asked him to put his life on hold and wait for me. He was young, 26, had his entire life to live. But his note read that a life without me was no life at all. I knew I was gonna hurt the kid, never did I imagine it would end like this.
...Oh my I have gone on and on and this room is not gonna clean itself Mister....
...David, my name is David.
Well Mister David, I have work to do. Your check out time is 5pm unless you decide to stay another night.
She's a pleasant woman, a tad too chatty for my taste. I grab my bag and head to the shower. The shower is dingy, years of use and abuse. The hospital blue tiles only serve to make the hangover that much worse. I turn off the light and turn on the shower. At least it give good hot water.
Steam fills the room and my mind goes back to him. Suddenly I am shaken. The feeling... it's back and this time who ever or what ever it is... it's close.
©2007
_____________________________________
Monday, December 10, 2007
Ego Boost...
Well, well, well... I do sell myself short. I am willing to bet it is a major turn off no less. But today was a particularly shitty day. Just work n shit. So yes the entire day was shitty... until...
Most times when someone hits on me I tend to blow em off then get real pissy when they pursue. I chalk it up to 2 things. Thing one... I always took it for granted that I was being hit on because a predator (such as I had been) would try to catch the easiest prey of the pack. So I always chalked that up to them thinking that because I'm not cute that they think I should be easy. Thing 2 is that I was in relationship mode. Being in that mode I would automatically turn them away.
Fast forward to today... I got hit on by the most yummy and delectable of men. I mean he was tall, he was beefy and he was fucking hot. I mean good god. When he approached me I was almost certain that it was to ask for train station directions or the way to 5th Ave.. Nope.. he wanted to actually talk to me. At that point I almost told him I was straight, then I remembered; I am not married anymore. So the conversation went on and he eventually asked me for my number. He's apparently a private practice doctor... interesting. So I figured meh what the hell. I gave him the number. I don't plan on ever seeing him again and told him it was pretty pointless to give him my number seeing as I am leaving NYC at the end of the month. He didn't care. I told him I was not moving to Westchester or anything close, but that I was moving to MA. He asked which part and I told him... Worcester. Well low and behold he is often in Boston and knows some people in Worcester. My, my, my has Gentleman Luck
finally decided to smile on me? His name is Mayan. I mean I don't want another relationship. Relationships hurt... but I don't mind taking a few applications and conducting a few interviews I guess. ;P
Talk about a boost to the good ol' ego!
Lets hope my luck in my new home is just as good.
-Daemian
Most times when someone hits on me I tend to blow em off then get real pissy when they pursue. I chalk it up to 2 things. Thing one... I always took it for granted that I was being hit on because a predator (such as I had been) would try to catch the easiest prey of the pack. So I always chalked that up to them thinking that because I'm not cute that they think I should be easy. Thing 2 is that I was in relationship mode. Being in that mode I would automatically turn them away.
Fast forward to today... I got hit on by the most yummy and delectable of men. I mean he was tall, he was beefy and he was fucking hot. I mean good god. When he approached me I was almost certain that it was to ask for train station directions or the way to 5th Ave.. Nope.. he wanted to actually talk to me. At that point I almost told him I was straight, then I remembered; I am not married anymore. So the conversation went on and he eventually asked me for my number. He's apparently a private practice doctor... interesting. So I figured meh what the hell. I gave him the number. I don't plan on ever seeing him again and told him it was pretty pointless to give him my number seeing as I am leaving NYC at the end of the month. He didn't care. I told him I was not moving to Westchester or anything close, but that I was moving to MA. He asked which part and I told him... Worcester. Well low and behold he is often in Boston and knows some people in Worcester. My, my, my has Gentleman Luck
finally decided to smile on me? His name is Mayan. I mean I don't want another relationship. Relationships hurt... but I don't mind taking a few applications and conducting a few interviews I guess. ;P
Talk about a boost to the good ol' ego!
Lets hope my luck in my new home is just as good.
-Daemian
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Mmmm the smell of success...
Ok, so the teaser banner is up and here is a sneak peak of the home page. The site will be a mix of flash and html. We'll see how it goes.
-Daemian
-Daemian
Lightning Strikes Yet Again!!
Is this really possible? I mean lightning never strikes the same place twice... right? Well I found something. Deep inside this whirlwind of creativity that this break up has broken the flood gates on... has solved my website problems.
I have been meaning to update my personal site. I couldn't come up with anything. Nada. All of my good ideas were used up at work. Well, thank the Muses because I have finally come up with it. It is kinda funny really. So I must give a little bit of background without giving too much away. That's right bitches... fags and their secrets!
I have what I like to call, drumroll please, a Hero Complex. What the fuck is a Hero Complex you ask? Simple, my definition of a Hero Complex is thus:
A person that is driven by the need to protect. Such persons tend to protect either emotionally, financially, inspirationally or physically. These people are what have been so called "Good Cops", "Motherly", "Good Soldier" or "Guard Dog". Each one of these types protect but in different ways.
Good Cops: These are the cops that do what is right regardless of the cost. These cops are cops for the right reasons. They want to protect and serve and tend to be good at their jobs with little recognition. Often well known on their patrol routes.
Motherly: These are those around us that nurture and protect us from life. They are often found giving sound advice and making sure the lamb they took in is well fed. They hold the home and only have the best interest of her chosen lambs in mind.
Good Soldier: These are the soldiers often identified as weekend patriotic. They jump into the fray with little regards for their own lives to disobey an order if it means doing what is right and not what they are told. This soldier is, to be frank, the one who saves the innocent village from his commanding officer; whom is torturing the people and cutting off their ears to wear as a necklace. This soldier feels a responsibility to freedom, regardless of his command.
Guard Dog: The Guard Dog is an interesting sort. The Guard Dog basically protects his master. At all costs. This type of person is often found protecting the smaller guy. They tend to defend those that cannot defend themselves. Vigilante in his watch this is the type of person you want in your home. He will keep watch and resume his guard. This type of Hero Complex tends to fall into the role of protecting physically. As unsavory as it sounds... the... ick... Guardian Angels (had to hold back my barf) are a group of people with a Guard Dog Type Hero Complex.
Where does that leave me? I am a Guard Dog type. I hate to see people getting picked on. Given my size I never really get messed with and the assault tends to end quickly or does not occur once I get involved. If you are nice to me you get my protection. I will look out for you. If you help me in ways unmeasurable (being a good friend) you have my protection for life. And if I love you... I will always protect you first.
This is sort of why I wanted to be a police officer for a while when looking into plentiful jobs. I worked as security at a gay bar in NYC for a while. I even got involved when I saw some asshole trying to beat up a lesbian. Apparently he didn't like rejection. Well he didn't like my fist connecting with his nose either.
So... what does all this bullshit have to do with a website?
Everything!
I have my central theme and all I will tell you is that it is called....
Hero Complex
-Daemian
P.S. I am working on a new banner as a teaser. Woohoo!
I have been meaning to update my personal site. I couldn't come up with anything. Nada. All of my good ideas were used up at work. Well, thank the Muses because I have finally come up with it. It is kinda funny really. So I must give a little bit of background without giving too much away. That's right bitches... fags and their secrets!
I have what I like to call, drumroll please, a Hero Complex. What the fuck is a Hero Complex you ask? Simple, my definition of a Hero Complex is thus:
A person that is driven by the need to protect. Such persons tend to protect either emotionally, financially, inspirationally or physically. These people are what have been so called "Good Cops", "Motherly", "Good Soldier" or "Guard Dog". Each one of these types protect but in different ways.
Good Cops: These are the cops that do what is right regardless of the cost. These cops are cops for the right reasons. They want to protect and serve and tend to be good at their jobs with little recognition. Often well known on their patrol routes.
Motherly: These are those around us that nurture and protect us from life. They are often found giving sound advice and making sure the lamb they took in is well fed. They hold the home and only have the best interest of her chosen lambs in mind.
Good Soldier: These are the soldiers often identified as weekend patriotic. They jump into the fray with little regards for their own lives to disobey an order if it means doing what is right and not what they are told. This soldier is, to be frank, the one who saves the innocent village from his commanding officer; whom is torturing the people and cutting off their ears to wear as a necklace. This soldier feels a responsibility to freedom, regardless of his command.
Guard Dog: The Guard Dog is an interesting sort. The Guard Dog basically protects his master. At all costs. This type of person is often found protecting the smaller guy. They tend to defend those that cannot defend themselves. Vigilante in his watch this is the type of person you want in your home. He will keep watch and resume his guard. This type of Hero Complex tends to fall into the role of protecting physically. As unsavory as it sounds... the... ick... Guardian Angels (had to hold back my barf) are a group of people with a Guard Dog Type Hero Complex.
Where does that leave me? I am a Guard Dog type. I hate to see people getting picked on. Given my size I never really get messed with and the assault tends to end quickly or does not occur once I get involved. If you are nice to me you get my protection. I will look out for you. If you help me in ways unmeasurable (being a good friend) you have my protection for life. And if I love you... I will always protect you first.
This is sort of why I wanted to be a police officer for a while when looking into plentiful jobs. I worked as security at a gay bar in NYC for a while. I even got involved when I saw some asshole trying to beat up a lesbian. Apparently he didn't like rejection. Well he didn't like my fist connecting with his nose either.
So... what does all this bullshit have to do with a website?
Everything!
I have my central theme and all I will tell you is that it is called....
Hero Complex
-Daemian
P.S. I am working on a new banner as a teaser. Woohoo!
Friday, December 7, 2007
For Some Reason...
For some reason I actually feel a little better today. It could be that I had a good nights sleep. Didn't feel as cold in the office (our old bedroom) last night as it had the past two weeks. I realized something. Mike puts up a front. He pretends like he doesn't care when in reality he is dying on the inside. I do just wish he'd let it out. Show me who he is, I feel that after all this time I deserve to KNOW the man I was in love with.
I pretty much said to him that if he wants to go out see other people that yes it would crush me.
That... yes I would be jealous. That yes I would be worried sick. But I then told him that it would be nothing much different from what he would feel but try to hide. In fact it'd hurt him more if I did it. So I asked him what he wanted and if he was prepared to deal with the consequences.
He admitted that he would never say anything or not show his hurt but that he wouldn't be able to handle it. He's be walking around this apartment going insane with jealousy and stray thoughts. We also both looked at the likely-hood that we will end up sleeping with each other before the month is out (I know him well enough to know he is gonna want a good bye/one last time fuck) and that with that likely-hood we should refrain from being with other people. If he gets crabs before the end of the month he knows his "one last time" option is gone.
We both realized that we are not going to heal while still living with each other. We both realize that professionally we still fit. With the professional realization we have been talking about the web business and wether or not we will remain partners. Right now the company is set up as a sole proprietorship under my name. There is only one business being worked on actively (my electronics store http://www.leviathanelectronics.com) so he is a lil aprehensive. I don't blame him. After War of the Roses who could blame anybody. But, we do know that we will most likely not speak to each other for at least 2 months except for things like a bill here or there or stuff I may have left. During those 2 months we will both be working on our prospective sites. As a man of honor I will allow him to do business under the established company name until he gets his own leg work done at which time I will turn over his security site.
Jaeryd is right, I cannot stop being a man of honor (Goddamn Osaka sensibilities). Selling myself short is something I need to fix, but I need to see what they see before that change will happen. On my jealousy... the truth about my jealousy is that I only get jealous when I have a reason to be. Mike says he didn't see the jealousy except on occasions in which I had reason to be jealous. Like after the incident 4 months ago or if I am not getting screwed regularly. I guess he is sort of right... as long as I have reassurance and hot sex my jealousy doesn't come out. But it would be nice to be free of it, though I doubt I will ever be free of it.
I am still in a sad place, I am mourning the loss of my best friend and our relationship as I watch it end. But it, for some reason, feels like today is going to be easier to put up a front and get through.
-Daemian
I pretty much said to him that if he wants to go out see other people that yes it would crush me.
That... yes I would be jealous. That yes I would be worried sick. But I then told him that it would be nothing much different from what he would feel but try to hide. In fact it'd hurt him more if I did it. So I asked him what he wanted and if he was prepared to deal with the consequences.
He admitted that he would never say anything or not show his hurt but that he wouldn't be able to handle it. He's be walking around this apartment going insane with jealousy and stray thoughts. We also both looked at the likely-hood that we will end up sleeping with each other before the month is out (I know him well enough to know he is gonna want a good bye/one last time fuck) and that with that likely-hood we should refrain from being with other people. If he gets crabs before the end of the month he knows his "one last time" option is gone.
We both realized that we are not going to heal while still living with each other. We both realize that professionally we still fit. With the professional realization we have been talking about the web business and wether or not we will remain partners. Right now the company is set up as a sole proprietorship under my name. There is only one business being worked on actively (my electronics store http://www.leviathanelectronics.com) so he is a lil aprehensive. I don't blame him. After War of the Roses who could blame anybody. But, we do know that we will most likely not speak to each other for at least 2 months except for things like a bill here or there or stuff I may have left. During those 2 months we will both be working on our prospective sites. As a man of honor I will allow him to do business under the established company name until he gets his own leg work done at which time I will turn over his security site.
Jaeryd is right, I cannot stop being a man of honor (Goddamn Osaka sensibilities). Selling myself short is something I need to fix, but I need to see what they see before that change will happen. On my jealousy... the truth about my jealousy is that I only get jealous when I have a reason to be. Mike says he didn't see the jealousy except on occasions in which I had reason to be jealous. Like after the incident 4 months ago or if I am not getting screwed regularly. I guess he is sort of right... as long as I have reassurance and hot sex my jealousy doesn't come out. But it would be nice to be free of it, though I doubt I will ever be free of it.
I am still in a sad place, I am mourning the loss of my best friend and our relationship as I watch it end. But it, for some reason, feels like today is going to be easier to put up a front and get through.
-Daemian
Thursday, December 6, 2007
To Find a Way...
I have got to find a way to stop thinking about this. I have to find a way to let go myself. If Mike wants to go on a date... why should I be so upset? That only means I could go on a date too. But I don't want to go on a date. How could he? See it's questions like that which are driving me insane.
He'll sit there and greet me with "Hello Ex-Boyfriend" when I come home from work... tell me he wishes I wasn't leaving him then goes and searches the personals. I don't understand how I can feel so much and he appears to feel so little? We have always been opposites that way. If I feel I tend to let it out. I wish I had let it out over the past now 4 months. Maybe things would be different if I didn't squirrel away what I was feeling.
Been having nightmares lately. Mostly involving him screwin someone right in front of me. So I haven't been sleeping well. Has he stopped loving me just that easily and my mind is manifesting that I am a dime a dozen? Is my mind telling me that someone who looks like I look should have been grateful to have anyone at all? I know this is a major life change and I am bound to be jacked. I can't go back, things will never be the same between us... I can see that. Living with him makes it more difficult because I am constantly reminded of the fact that I love him. This hurts too much and he doesn't think I care or that I love him. I am gonna be in for a bumpy road ahead.
I have to find a way to make it through this month. I have to find a way to take my mind off of this. I need to get away. I should be working at this very moment and can't help but think about this. I have started throwing myself into planning the move, but I stop for even a second and my mind goes right back to him. I had to write it out to get it out so I can go back about my day.
I am sure Jae, Shain, Ping and Daylia are about sick of hearing about it. I don't really care for what my co-workers think... never really like them (1 or two here or there I liked) so I don't talk about it at work. In fact the only one I have to talk about it with right now is Mike. So I am going to try to not talk about it at all except on this blog. I will just squirrel away my feelings. I tell you what tho, I think this may be the last time I ever do another honorable thing. A man of honor is what I have prided myself on along with my brain and my cock. I have done the honorable thing and it hurts more than words can accurately portray. I can't go back... not the way I am and not with all I have seen.
I have to find a way...
-Daemian
He'll sit there and greet me with "Hello Ex-Boyfriend" when I come home from work... tell me he wishes I wasn't leaving him then goes and searches the personals. I don't understand how I can feel so much and he appears to feel so little? We have always been opposites that way. If I feel I tend to let it out. I wish I had let it out over the past now 4 months. Maybe things would be different if I didn't squirrel away what I was feeling.
Been having nightmares lately. Mostly involving him screwin someone right in front of me. So I haven't been sleeping well. Has he stopped loving me just that easily and my mind is manifesting that I am a dime a dozen? Is my mind telling me that someone who looks like I look should have been grateful to have anyone at all? I know this is a major life change and I am bound to be jacked. I can't go back, things will never be the same between us... I can see that. Living with him makes it more difficult because I am constantly reminded of the fact that I love him. This hurts too much and he doesn't think I care or that I love him. I am gonna be in for a bumpy road ahead.
I have to find a way to make it through this month. I have to find a way to take my mind off of this. I need to get away. I should be working at this very moment and can't help but think about this. I have started throwing myself into planning the move, but I stop for even a second and my mind goes right back to him. I had to write it out to get it out so I can go back about my day.
I am sure Jae, Shain, Ping and Daylia are about sick of hearing about it. I don't really care for what my co-workers think... never really like them (1 or two here or there I liked) so I don't talk about it at work. In fact the only one I have to talk about it with right now is Mike. So I am going to try to not talk about it at all except on this blog. I will just squirrel away my feelings. I tell you what tho, I think this may be the last time I ever do another honorable thing. A man of honor is what I have prided myself on along with my brain and my cock. I have done the honorable thing and it hurts more than words can accurately portray. I can't go back... not the way I am and not with all I have seen.
I have to find a way...
-Daemian
Did he love me at all?
Was he in love with the idea of being in love or was he in love with me? He let me go without a fight. He has turned off his feelings for me. How can anyone just turn off their feelings about someone, while still living with them, if they loved that person?
I don't understand. I know, I know... I broke up with him, what right do I have to even care myself. I don't know but I do. I am one that is ruled by his emotions. He is one I guess who doesn't have any emotion, none that's really his. He seems to have ideas of emotion and when the idea no longer fits what he expected he drops it. The relationship wasn't even buried before he posted an ad and went on a date. We agreed to honor our ten years by not trying to hurt the other... but now he seems to be dropping hints that he wants to fuck his way to better mental health.
Been having nightmares lately. I almost wish I could go back... but I can't especially not after seeing how he can just turn off his how he feels about me. It wouldn't be jealousy but the question of does he really love me that would drive me insane. I don't seem to handle stress very well at all. Who knew?
Maybe I should just go stay with my boss at his house in...eeww... Jersey until this month is done. I often wonder how it came to this...
I don't understand. I know, I know... I broke up with him, what right do I have to even care myself. I don't know but I do. I am one that is ruled by his emotions. He is one I guess who doesn't have any emotion, none that's really his. He seems to have ideas of emotion and when the idea no longer fits what he expected he drops it. The relationship wasn't even buried before he posted an ad and went on a date. We agreed to honor our ten years by not trying to hurt the other... but now he seems to be dropping hints that he wants to fuck his way to better mental health.
Been having nightmares lately. I almost wish I could go back... but I can't especially not after seeing how he can just turn off his how he feels about me. It wouldn't be jealousy but the question of does he really love me that would drive me insane. I don't seem to handle stress very well at all. Who knew?
Maybe I should just go stay with my boss at his house in...eeww... Jersey until this month is done. I often wonder how it came to this...
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Wish Me Luck!
I may have found a place to move to. It will be a roommate situation, to be frank the studio/1br prospects in my new price range is pretty abismal this time of year. So I will be putting in 6 months to a year with what, so far, seems like 2 really cool people. They have animals and that does not bother me one bit. I will miss Aries as I am leaving him with Mike until I can get a place of my own.
Mike seems to think that I SHOULD move in with roommates as I am rather non-social when not put in a social setting. He feels that if I am socializing I will be ok. Though he does not admit it, he is as worried about me as I am about him. I don't want anything to happen to him as a result of my not being here as his voice of reason. He does not want anything to happen to me either as a result of his not being there to take motherly care of me.
I have been giving him as much advice as possible and he has for me too. He's been telling me about things I would need to be able to do basics like... you know... cook for myself. I have been giving him as much advice about protecting himself as I could. In a 10yr long relationship you get used to being able to take some things for granted, being newly single he has to now face danger again. I won't be able to protect him. That scares me as I will not be there to be the voice of reason nor will I be there to be the muscle that keeps him safe.
So... I called Jae told him about the room and asked him to check it out for me. Hopefully he will check it out and say "sure go for it.". When he does I will be sending them my rent for Jan and begin the chore of renting a Van to get me up to MA with my stuff. Walter will be driving me up there. 5 and a half hours in a van with my ex-husbands best friend. Mike was the one who suggested it... we both figured it was Mikes way of being passive aggressive. The entire way Walter will bug me about how I am making a mistake first... then about how many men I will get... then about taking him out to get drunk and all the while calling me a 'ho' because it is his vernacular.
Joy...
But wish me luck peeps. I need to do this. For myselff and for anyone else who will end up with me. In my current state, heartbreak aside, I am no good for anyone. Not Mike nor myself.
-Daemian
Mike seems to think that I SHOULD move in with roommates as I am rather non-social when not put in a social setting. He feels that if I am socializing I will be ok. Though he does not admit it, he is as worried about me as I am about him. I don't want anything to happen to him as a result of my not being here as his voice of reason. He does not want anything to happen to me either as a result of his not being there to take motherly care of me.
I have been giving him as much advice as possible and he has for me too. He's been telling me about things I would need to be able to do basics like... you know... cook for myself. I have been giving him as much advice about protecting himself as I could. In a 10yr long relationship you get used to being able to take some things for granted, being newly single he has to now face danger again. I won't be able to protect him. That scares me as I will not be there to be the voice of reason nor will I be there to be the muscle that keeps him safe.
So... I called Jae told him about the room and asked him to check it out for me. Hopefully he will check it out and say "sure go for it.". When he does I will be sending them my rent for Jan and begin the chore of renting a Van to get me up to MA with my stuff. Walter will be driving me up there. 5 and a half hours in a van with my ex-husbands best friend. Mike was the one who suggested it... we both figured it was Mikes way of being passive aggressive. The entire way Walter will bug me about how I am making a mistake first... then about how many men I will get... then about taking him out to get drunk and all the while calling me a 'ho' because it is his vernacular.
Joy...
But wish me luck peeps. I need to do this. For myselff and for anyone else who will end up with me. In my current state, heartbreak aside, I am no good for anyone. Not Mike nor myself.
-Daemian
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Something to Look Forward to...
Well I am finding all sorts of things out about myself already. My writers block seems to be going away. I guess the old adage of when you are happy you have nothing to say comes to my mind. I had to go in to work for a few minutes today (45 minutes to get there... do 5 min of work... 45minutes to get back) and was shocked. As I was walking I wrote a good opening paragraph to what could be a very interesting story.
Here it goes:
___________________________________________________________________
Dec 12th
The city is cold. To be expected this time of year. Few trees to hold in the heat, the cold cement beneath your feet and every where you turn a windtunnel is created by the cold stone buildings. This is winter in New York City, but this time it is different. The city was an almost perfect snow globe. The snow fell in large flakes but gently made their way to their final destination. But there is something else here with me. Making me colder, making me walk harder. Indeed something is different about this cold.
The wind whips about my uncovered face, forcing the snow to burn as it whips across the skin. I should have at least worn a hat, maybe even a scarf.
I take a long, deep breath to puff up my chest and warm myself with the air in my lungs. It's a useful trick, keeping air in the bottom of the lungs for heat and using the top of your lungs to breathe. I am sure you will find I have a lot of useful tricks. If only one of those tricks involved mending my mourning. Perhaps that is what it is. This cold is a different cold, because something in it is colder. Something that is stalking me. I am sure that in due time the thing stalking me will make it's move. Is it friendly? I don't know, but any hardened criminal knows to expect everything. My time in upstate taught me to be on my toes. Fresh out of jail on a cold December day. The world around me is an almost perfect snow globe. The only flaw in this sea of fluffy white fantasy... is me.
I thought I would never get to see the snow again. But it's cold... I need to find a place to stay.
___________________________________________________________________
So... what do you guys think? I think it has the makings for a good story of revenge and redemption with a tragic hero. I am thinking of doing it in interior monologue and telling the action from the Tragic Hero's point of view. Sorta film noir but in a book.
I think I like it.
-Daemian
Here it goes:
___________________________________________________________________
Dec 12th
The city is cold. To be expected this time of year. Few trees to hold in the heat, the cold cement beneath your feet and every where you turn a windtunnel is created by the cold stone buildings. This is winter in New York City, but this time it is different. The city was an almost perfect snow globe. The snow fell in large flakes but gently made their way to their final destination. But there is something else here with me. Making me colder, making me walk harder. Indeed something is different about this cold.
The wind whips about my uncovered face, forcing the snow to burn as it whips across the skin. I should have at least worn a hat, maybe even a scarf.
I take a long, deep breath to puff up my chest and warm myself with the air in my lungs. It's a useful trick, keeping air in the bottom of the lungs for heat and using the top of your lungs to breathe. I am sure you will find I have a lot of useful tricks. If only one of those tricks involved mending my mourning. Perhaps that is what it is. This cold is a different cold, because something in it is colder. Something that is stalking me. I am sure that in due time the thing stalking me will make it's move. Is it friendly? I don't know, but any hardened criminal knows to expect everything. My time in upstate taught me to be on my toes. Fresh out of jail on a cold December day. The world around me is an almost perfect snow globe. The only flaw in this sea of fluffy white fantasy... is me.
I thought I would never get to see the snow again. But it's cold... I need to find a place to stay.
___________________________________________________________________
So... what do you guys think? I think it has the makings for a good story of revenge and redemption with a tragic hero. I am thinking of doing it in interior monologue and telling the action from the Tragic Hero's point of view. Sorta film noir but in a book.
I think I like it.
-Daemian
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