So... much like I promised I have had Mike answer the question that has been requested. Without further ado...
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
One Last Weekend...
So here I am, Saturday... so far all I have done is lecture Mike on the mistakes he is making. He makes the same mistakes over and over again. He is too smart for this. I don't know if he is trying to make me worry to get me to stay. I don't know if he is really just oblivious to these mistakes. But I can see him making the same mistakes, it is like watching a giant brain ram itself into a brick wall over and over again trying to get to the other side. Instead of just using the fucking door to his right.
This is our last weekend together. We have not... "done the nasty"... and I don't think we will. It will just confuse the situation and send mixed messages to us both. I can see it now, he's over there looking at other people personals. Gets hot for them then tries to come on to me. During the act he'd say how much he loved me and wishes I weren't leaving. Then after, he'd go back to looking at other peoples personals and sending them emails right here in front of me. No.
I have to now force myself to not give a shit. It is his life. Tho I ultimately want him to be happy... I can't make him take steps towards that happiness. I can't protect him and I have to let go of the idea that somehow I can still protect him. This Hero Complex can be a real mind fuck sometimes. It is like watching an old lady crossing the road against the light, a huge car barreling towards her, and not taking any action on my part to save her. But he is an adult, he can make his own decisions... and if it gets him hurt or maimed or otherwise end badly... that will have to be his own cross to bare. I can not carry it for him.
Our last weekend together... 10yrs of weekends ends tomorrow. I am unsure of how I feel about this. There are a whole host of emotions I have never felt before. I don't quite know what to do with them. So all I want to do is hit things. But anger management has taught me a few things about dealing with feelings... so hopefully I won't be walking around looking for a reason to beat people up. I am a better person now than I was 10 years ago and my self control is exemplary. Hell I made it through the holiday at work without having to threaten a coworker that was a complete asshole the entire month.
I am going to be ok. I figured out my self esteem conflict. I have come to realize that as a teenager I had built my entire concept of self esteem on the basis that I was a good lover. I learned all sorts of tricks and built stamina and longevity and learned to be an attentive lover and a damn good kisser. Some of that came naturally, latino heat papi chulos.... but more of it came from learning. I had heard so many good things from people after sex, more than enough of them couldn't get enough. My ego had grown tremendously as did my sense of self and confidence. This relationship slowly stripped it all away. 6 months of no sex at all. 9 years and 6 months of sexual rejection from the partner who said he loved me. We'd have sex 1 time a month at BEST. I would get shut down 30 days of the month. I have come to see that basing my sense of self on my sexual performance, my attractiveness to other etc... was a mistake. I was also a teenager and was prone to foolish mistakes. This time around I have to do it differently. I have to tell myself I am sexxy, confident, smart, a good fucker and a good kisser along with being a good, honorable person. I have to want me first. Funny thing, I seem... in true Daemian fashion... to be speeding towards it. So I don't think it will take much more than a couple of weeks of dancing to get myself back. ;)
Self esteem, self worth... it's all so strange that we can be torn down by an idea. Well, it is time to own that idea so that no one can tear it down. I am cute, I am funny, I am sexxy, I am smart, I am a good and honorable person.
Screw what the world thinks! It's all about me now.
-Daemian
This is our last weekend together. We have not... "done the nasty"... and I don't think we will. It will just confuse the situation and send mixed messages to us both. I can see it now, he's over there looking at other people personals. Gets hot for them then tries to come on to me. During the act he'd say how much he loved me and wishes I weren't leaving. Then after, he'd go back to looking at other peoples personals and sending them emails right here in front of me. No.
I have to now force myself to not give a shit. It is his life. Tho I ultimately want him to be happy... I can't make him take steps towards that happiness. I can't protect him and I have to let go of the idea that somehow I can still protect him. This Hero Complex can be a real mind fuck sometimes. It is like watching an old lady crossing the road against the light, a huge car barreling towards her, and not taking any action on my part to save her. But he is an adult, he can make his own decisions... and if it gets him hurt or maimed or otherwise end badly... that will have to be his own cross to bare. I can not carry it for him.
Our last weekend together... 10yrs of weekends ends tomorrow. I am unsure of how I feel about this. There are a whole host of emotions I have never felt before. I don't quite know what to do with them. So all I want to do is hit things. But anger management has taught me a few things about dealing with feelings... so hopefully I won't be walking around looking for a reason to beat people up. I am a better person now than I was 10 years ago and my self control is exemplary. Hell I made it through the holiday at work without having to threaten a coworker that was a complete asshole the entire month.
I am going to be ok. I figured out my self esteem conflict. I have come to realize that as a teenager I had built my entire concept of self esteem on the basis that I was a good lover. I learned all sorts of tricks and built stamina and longevity and learned to be an attentive lover and a damn good kisser. Some of that came naturally, latino heat papi chulos.... but more of it came from learning. I had heard so many good things from people after sex, more than enough of them couldn't get enough. My ego had grown tremendously as did my sense of self and confidence. This relationship slowly stripped it all away. 6 months of no sex at all. 9 years and 6 months of sexual rejection from the partner who said he loved me. We'd have sex 1 time a month at BEST. I would get shut down 30 days of the month. I have come to see that basing my sense of self on my sexual performance, my attractiveness to other etc... was a mistake. I was also a teenager and was prone to foolish mistakes. This time around I have to do it differently. I have to tell myself I am sexxy, confident, smart, a good fucker and a good kisser along with being a good, honorable person. I have to want me first. Funny thing, I seem... in true Daemian fashion... to be speeding towards it. So I don't think it will take much more than a couple of weeks of dancing to get myself back. ;)
Self esteem, self worth... it's all so strange that we can be torn down by an idea. Well, it is time to own that idea so that no one can tear it down. I am cute, I am funny, I am sexxy, I am smart, I am a good and honorable person.
Screw what the world thinks! It's all about me now.
-Daemian
Thursday, December 27, 2007
It's The Final Countdown...
So we are coming to a fast end of my era here. Tomorrow is my last day with K&D. Unfortunately they have not found a replacement for me. What did they expect? I came here and took the crummy pay because I was desperate. I had been out of work for a long time and tho my landlord was very patient with us, I knew the patience was wearing thin. So I took a job as their Mac Tech for 14.50 an hour. Ouch. They got more than they had anticipated tho. I am also a graphic designer and tend to have a way with electronics. I am also very versatile in what I can do. Before I knew it my job description had grown to something mythic.
So in looking for my replacement I had to post the job on Craig's List as I saw fit. I gave a full run down of my duties, of employer expectations etc... we got resumes from people who won't do the job for below 50k. YES BITCHES... 50 FUCKIN' K!
Did I sell myself short or what?
We had 2 prospects that the company could actually afford. Neither of them want the job. This is bad for them but may work in my favor. I may end up working remotely for K&D. Given this is a Mac based store... it will actually be easy and would be a damn good source of cash for the Mass. base standard of living. So we shall see how that goes.
So tomorrow is my last day. I have trained the shipping X-Mas helper fully in the shipping system so that is taken care of. Graphic Design... I think I will be stuck with K&D for a long time with that. It is so hard to find a tech that can also do graphic design these days.
These last 2 days are strange. I never left a job this way before. I am leaving here without having people, the ones that matter, hate me or fire me nor am I quitting because they are trying to screw me. So this is a very different dynamic and only illustrates the method in which I am breaking up with Mike. We don't hate each other.
As these are my last two days of work it could only mean something else. This will be my last weekend with Mike. I dunno what we should do this last weekend. His plan is to basically keep me bare assed and to have as much sex as possible. I don't know if that is such a good idea. It is hard enough to leave as it is, wouldn't a weekend of unbridled sex make that harder to do? Perhaps that is his plan. To make it harder, not that I blame him. I did not give up easily... why should he give up easily? If he knows the way to my heart is a good fuck... then why not use it? I would.
The 3rd of January is coming quickly. We have a shit ton of cleaning to do so I can actually find my shit. I have a shit ton of packing to do, well not really... but packing sucks regardless of the volume. It is going to be hard to go through some of the items, a lot of shit we bought for each other... memories... a lot of shit we bought for US... I think I will let him keep most everything. I am the one leaving, I should be the one who has to start over. So I have to gather my clothes, including the gay superhero shirts Mike made for me... feeds my hero complex, my video games for the PS2 and Game Cube, my consoles, my computer and my statues of Buddha.
I am actually feeling better about my decision. I keep reiterating to Mike that he should not sleep around to hide the pain. That he should allow himself to feel it and get over it. I don't want him to do to someone else what he did to me. Our first year together, 2 years after his first love, and he was still citing that being with me felt like he was cheating on his ex of 2yrs. Yeah... I don't want him to do that to someone else about me. Lessons need to be learned. He tried to screw his way to better mental health before and it did not work out for him. It almost ended our relationship before it began. So with that, I hope he takes care of his mind before he whores around. After your mind is right and you want to whore around... fine. But to do it to hide the pain only to bring that pain to your next relationship is a bad thing.
But, all of that being said... I am not too worried about him anymore. I have been reading my Zen books and trying to learn to detach. To a degree it is working. I did do a video, but it is for his eyes only to be seen after I am gone. Sorry chulos... you can't see it. I will do another video blog before I leave NYC. A few have asked that Mike answers the question on how we lasted so long. I think that will be the next vBlog. It will be a video of he and I and I think we will just
have him answer the question from his point of view... but in a past tense. Just because we are over NOW does not mean we didn't do something amazing. 10yrs chulos... that's a long time. So you guys can look forward to that. My next vBlog after that will be from my new home in MA.
I am excited, sad and terrified. I'd be a fool if I weren't scared, a bigger fool if I wasn't sad and a titan of a fool if I was not excited. There is an entire world of possibility out there that did not exist as long as Mike and I remained. New things to do, new people to do, new experiences to have and a new me to find. From 18 til now I have been US. Now it is time to find 'Me'. To grow up beyond what I have so far, which is a lot. Time to be 20 something while I am still 20 something. The jealousy is actually leaving me. Sort of interesting. As I am detaching I am finding myself having a different mode of thought. Not so sad, not so angry, not so jealous. I still feel those things, but in a much smaller quantity.
So this is the final countdown. 1 day left at work and 6 days left in NYC. I have butterflies in my stomach. Bad and good.
-Daemian
So in looking for my replacement I had to post the job on Craig's List as I saw fit. I gave a full run down of my duties, of employer expectations etc... we got resumes from people who won't do the job for below 50k. YES BITCHES... 50 FUCKIN' K!
Did I sell myself short or what?
We had 2 prospects that the company could actually afford. Neither of them want the job. This is bad for them but may work in my favor. I may end up working remotely for K&D. Given this is a Mac based store... it will actually be easy and would be a damn good source of cash for the Mass. base standard of living. So we shall see how that goes.
So tomorrow is my last day. I have trained the shipping X-Mas helper fully in the shipping system so that is taken care of. Graphic Design... I think I will be stuck with K&D for a long time with that. It is so hard to find a tech that can also do graphic design these days.
These last 2 days are strange. I never left a job this way before. I am leaving here without having people, the ones that matter, hate me or fire me nor am I quitting because they are trying to screw me. So this is a very different dynamic and only illustrates the method in which I am breaking up with Mike. We don't hate each other.
As these are my last two days of work it could only mean something else. This will be my last weekend with Mike. I dunno what we should do this last weekend. His plan is to basically keep me bare assed and to have as much sex as possible. I don't know if that is such a good idea. It is hard enough to leave as it is, wouldn't a weekend of unbridled sex make that harder to do? Perhaps that is his plan. To make it harder, not that I blame him. I did not give up easily... why should he give up easily? If he knows the way to my heart is a good fuck... then why not use it? I would.
The 3rd of January is coming quickly. We have a shit ton of cleaning to do so I can actually find my shit. I have a shit ton of packing to do, well not really... but packing sucks regardless of the volume. It is going to be hard to go through some of the items, a lot of shit we bought for each other... memories... a lot of shit we bought for US... I think I will let him keep most everything. I am the one leaving, I should be the one who has to start over. So I have to gather my clothes, including the gay superhero shirts Mike made for me... feeds my hero complex, my video games for the PS2 and Game Cube, my consoles, my computer and my statues of Buddha.
I am actually feeling better about my decision. I keep reiterating to Mike that he should not sleep around to hide the pain. That he should allow himself to feel it and get over it. I don't want him to do to someone else what he did to me. Our first year together, 2 years after his first love, and he was still citing that being with me felt like he was cheating on his ex of 2yrs. Yeah... I don't want him to do that to someone else about me. Lessons need to be learned. He tried to screw his way to better mental health before and it did not work out for him. It almost ended our relationship before it began. So with that, I hope he takes care of his mind before he whores around. After your mind is right and you want to whore around... fine. But to do it to hide the pain only to bring that pain to your next relationship is a bad thing.
But, all of that being said... I am not too worried about him anymore. I have been reading my Zen books and trying to learn to detach. To a degree it is working. I did do a video, but it is for his eyes only to be seen after I am gone. Sorry chulos... you can't see it. I will do another video blog before I leave NYC. A few have asked that Mike answers the question on how we lasted so long. I think that will be the next vBlog. It will be a video of he and I and I think we will just
have him answer the question from his point of view... but in a past tense. Just because we are over NOW does not mean we didn't do something amazing. 10yrs chulos... that's a long time. So you guys can look forward to that. My next vBlog after that will be from my new home in MA.
I am excited, sad and terrified. I'd be a fool if I weren't scared, a bigger fool if I wasn't sad and a titan of a fool if I was not excited. There is an entire world of possibility out there that did not exist as long as Mike and I remained. New things to do, new people to do, new experiences to have and a new me to find. From 18 til now I have been US. Now it is time to find 'Me'. To grow up beyond what I have so far, which is a lot. Time to be 20 something while I am still 20 something. The jealousy is actually leaving me. Sort of interesting. As I am detaching I am finding myself having a different mode of thought. Not so sad, not so angry, not so jealous. I still feel those things, but in a much smaller quantity.
So this is the final countdown. 1 day left at work and 6 days left in NYC. I have butterflies in my stomach. Bad and good.
-Daemian
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Oh... Holy... Shit
Now... Mike has made it no secret that he didn't like dick piercings. So the one I had I took out. But every now and then I would stick a ring through it to keep it from closing. He of course knew nothing about this. No matter now tho right? So anywho... I hadn't done it for a while and decided to go on and do it tonight. Well fuck me with a log that has rusty nails sticking out of it. The DAMN HOLE CLOSED!!! I can't get anything through it.
I wish I was joking... but I am not. The god damn hole closed up. Now... I can be an enjoyer of pain as pleasure as the next man with a serious mind fuck, but damn I don't want to have to get this sucker re-pierced and then be celibate til the damn thing heals. Damn! Oh... Holy... Shit...
What's the next best kinky thing I could do with my pecker? Maybe get a 69 (Cancer... dirty minded bitches) tattooed at the base of my shaft. That'd be hot I think. I think I need to go scream in a pillow. I can't believe the fucking hole closed.
-Daemian
I wish I was joking... but I am not. The god damn hole closed up. Now... I can be an enjoyer of pain as pleasure as the next man with a serious mind fuck, but damn I don't want to have to get this sucker re-pierced and then be celibate til the damn thing heals. Damn! Oh... Holy... Shit...
What's the next best kinky thing I could do with my pecker? Maybe get a 69 (Cancer... dirty minded bitches) tattooed at the base of my shaft. That'd be hot I think. I think I need to go scream in a pillow. I can't believe the fucking hole closed.
-Daemian
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas to My Hottie of the Year!
Now... given that Jaeryd and I think alike, very different tastes in men but we do think alike, some of you may remember my "Hottie of the Month" from my live journal site which turned into I think it was "Hottie of the Day" when I moved over here to blogger. Well dammit.. it's fucking Christmas, I am a single bitch now and my ex is not around. So what is a man to do? I know! Look at pictures of guys he thinks are hot and then the one he jerks off to wins hottie of the year.
So for the second year, not in a row, Aaron Lewis from Staind is once again my Hottie of the Year!
Pay attention people. If you are thinking of hooking me up with your friends etc... this man is EXACTLY my type. Of course I prefer the stockier photos of him, the first pic below is ok.. I like the more recent ones better. I also like stocky boys with an attitude. Give me a man that could put me in my place and make me shut up any day. He is dark, brooding, stocky, tattooed, pierced, emotional and damaged... oh my God. I want him in a bad way. I think guys that are of the same body, head shape and face type are the hottest men to walk this earth. Screw tight abs, they do nothing for me. Given I am an emotional sponge and wear my heart on my sleeve, a man like this would pwn me. I bet he would be a good aggressive bottom! Yum!
Hey I gotta get happy somehow right?
-Daemian
So for the second year, not in a row, Aaron Lewis from Staind is once again my Hottie of the Year!
Pay attention people. If you are thinking of hooking me up with your friends etc... this man is EXACTLY my type. Of course I prefer the stockier photos of him, the first pic below is ok.. I like the more recent ones better. I also like stocky boys with an attitude. Give me a man that could put me in my place and make me shut up any day. He is dark, brooding, stocky, tattooed, pierced, emotional and damaged... oh my God. I want him in a bad way. I think guys that are of the same body, head shape and face type are the hottest men to walk this earth. Screw tight abs, they do nothing for me. Given I am an emotional sponge and wear my heart on my sleeve, a man like this would pwn me. I bet he would be a good aggressive bottom! Yum!
Hey I gotta get happy somehow right?
-Daemian
Monday, December 24, 2007
Holiday!
Happy Holidays Chulos!
I hope everyone has a great holiday and that Santa left you all the hot studs you could handle under the tree.... complete with bows.
Mike is away with his family this holiday and tomorrow I go down to Jersey to be with my own family. To be totally honest, I feel better not having him around as a constant reminder of next weeks events. I slept well, jerked off a few times had full run of the place. I think my moving away will be for the best and will only speed up my healing from this whole ordeal. Granted there is the lingering fear that I am going to move and find that I can't live without him. But my boss gave me some advice... he said... as long as you still breath, you can live without him. Don't let this ruin all that you have going for you, because then you will blame that failure on the break up.
He is right, then he gave me a big bear hug and wished me luck. (He is on vacation this week and won't be here to see me off for my last day on Friday. He is my favorite person in the entire store. He was the one who hired me.
Apparently I will be getting my bonus before I leave... YAY! I need all the money I can gather.
This may not have been the jolliest of holiday seasons for me... but in interest of goodwill towards men and all that jazz... I'll smile for the day... and with that I shall say...
...Merry Christmas to all and to all a good lay!
I hope everyone has a great holiday and that Santa left you all the hot studs you could handle under the tree.... complete with bows.
Mike is away with his family this holiday and tomorrow I go down to Jersey to be with my own family. To be totally honest, I feel better not having him around as a constant reminder of next weeks events. I slept well, jerked off a few times had full run of the place. I think my moving away will be for the best and will only speed up my healing from this whole ordeal. Granted there is the lingering fear that I am going to move and find that I can't live without him. But my boss gave me some advice... he said... as long as you still breath, you can live without him. Don't let this ruin all that you have going for you, because then you will blame that failure on the break up.
He is right, then he gave me a big bear hug and wished me luck. (He is on vacation this week and won't be here to see me off for my last day on Friday. He is my favorite person in the entire store. He was the one who hired me.
Apparently I will be getting my bonus before I leave... YAY! I need all the money I can gather.
This may not have been the jolliest of holiday seasons for me... but in interest of goodwill towards men and all that jazz... I'll smile for the day... and with that I shall say...
...Merry Christmas to all and to all a good lay!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
All It Takes...
Sometimes all it takes is a little pampering and a slight shift of power to make you feel SOOOOOOOOOO much better.
I went and got a haircut this morning and damn... I feel good. It's amazing how something as small as a haircut can change your entire mood and mode of behavior. I feel sexier. I feel happier. Such a simple thing. Throw in a slight shift in power, upon realizing that I could do as Mike does and hurt him just as bad... I decided that instead of me worrying about what he'll be doing on a day like this when I have to work and he doesn't... I'll give him something to worry about. I hate games but if he wants to play we can play. Hopefully he doesn't want to play. Either way... I don't feel so down today. Immediately after the hair cut I felt great!
Now to find a suitable barber shop in Worcester! I can feel like a sexy beast all the time!
Almost forgot, does not hurt to get a wink from a hot fucker on the way to work either. It's going to go right to my head, I know it.
-Daemian
I went and got a haircut this morning and damn... I feel good. It's amazing how something as small as a haircut can change your entire mood and mode of behavior. I feel sexier. I feel happier. Such a simple thing. Throw in a slight shift in power, upon realizing that I could do as Mike does and hurt him just as bad... I decided that instead of me worrying about what he'll be doing on a day like this when I have to work and he doesn't... I'll give him something to worry about. I hate games but if he wants to play we can play. Hopefully he doesn't want to play. Either way... I don't feel so down today. Immediately after the hair cut I felt great!
Now to find a suitable barber shop in Worcester! I can feel like a sexy beast all the time!
Almost forgot, does not hurt to get a wink from a hot fucker on the way to work either. It's going to go right to my head, I know it.
-Daemian
Friday, December 21, 2007
Anger...
My sorrow has turned to anger. Mike and I do frequent common web forums. As I was reading his biolog I get to read the lie. I won't say what the lie is, all I will say is that I have never seen this side of him before. Could he lie? Sure... but I never thought he would nor could do that to me. He lied about me and us. No matter now. I guess I have to stop caring. I am so fucking angry right now.
He won't say what the catalyst was.
In fact makes it sound like he some quirk I can't deal and am running away with my tail between my legs. I just can't believe this. The anger just makes me want to be vindictive.
I have been becoming increasingly more hostile to the outside world. Mostly, I guess, it's because I don't know what else to do with the hurt. But now anger... I know what I normally do with it, but with all that is going on all I feel is the need to hit something.
I hope I don't revert to former behaviors. I have to get a better hold of myself.
Not good.
-Daemian
He won't say what the catalyst was.
In fact makes it sound like he some quirk I can't deal and am running away with my tail between my legs. I just can't believe this. The anger just makes me want to be vindictive.
I have been becoming increasingly more hostile to the outside world. Mostly, I guess, it's because I don't know what else to do with the hurt. But now anger... I know what I normally do with it, but with all that is going on all I feel is the need to hit something.
I hope I don't revert to former behaviors. I have to get a better hold of myself.
Not good.
-Daemian
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Just Want to Scream...
It has been a most insane month for me as you can gather. Between the break up, living with my ex and work all I want to do is scream. I mean it is slow here for me for the moment. I have not taken a lunch break in 2 weeks! This is not even my lunch break, this is just 5 minutes of peace. My smoking has come back full force. I am so bad at dealing with my anger in times like these, so I have been smoking like a chimney. How does one expect me to work on 2 different projects at the exact same time without making ANY mistakes? Am I to grow another set of arms?
I have been coming in at an odd hour of rush hour in which the trains decide to slow down and every stop means more and more people. I mean, they want to raise the fare yet again and we are still dealing with the crap they promised to fix after the first are hike. I mean really... makes me just want to scream.
Then I have to deal with the people at work who can't seem to wipe their own asses. I mean... how do they live without their mothers? It's insane. I can't stand when people are shown something or a procedure 10 times and still can't grasp the concept. Even worse is when they refuse to help themselves.
Makes me just want to scream.
Well... that was cathartic. I feel better now.
-Daemian
I have been coming in at an odd hour of rush hour in which the trains decide to slow down and every stop means more and more people. I mean, they want to raise the fare yet again and we are still dealing with the crap they promised to fix after the first are hike. I mean really... makes me just want to scream.
Then I have to deal with the people at work who can't seem to wipe their own asses. I mean... how do they live without their mothers? It's insane. I can't stand when people are shown something or a procedure 10 times and still can't grasp the concept. Even worse is when they refuse to help themselves.
Makes me just want to scream.
Well... that was cathartic. I feel better now.
-Daemian
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I Don't Wanna!!!
God, I took a shower, I'm in my jeans and a T-Sihrt and I have to go to work. God I don't want to go. I know it will be a bazillion hours of pumping out shipping stickers, helping people with stupid internet problems in which the problem usually lies between the keyboard and the chair while at the same time not being able to just knock someones head off for pissing me off.
I have to go to work...
I don't wanna!
Dammit!
-D
I have to go to work...
I don't wanna!
Dammit!
-D
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
A Release... Love Don't Live Here Anymore...
Here we are... yet again. I have released him of the deal. I can't walk around worrying about it. I have been wayyyyy too preoccupied with is he honoring the deal or not. I haven't been able to sleep, eat without the use of pot or think. I can not believe the amount of fuckups I have been a part of this past month. I mean silly simple shit. Down right disgraceful.
Then if you read the last post... he'd already broken the deal.
That being said I have done a lot of thinking. I know.. bad bad bad. But I had a eureka moment. Love is great. When things are going well love can be the answer to many of life's issues. But nothing lasts forever. One way or another the love has to end. Be it by death or by a breakup.
So I am no longer mourning the loss of the relationship. Instead I am mourning the loss of my ability to love. Love don't live here anymore.
Let me qualify that, it is not about "Oh woe is me! I will never find someone to love or be loved by again!". Nope... not at all. What it is about is this. The breakup has been the most painful experience of my life. More painful than losing family members etc. So I have decided I don't WANT love. I am going to try an emotional experiment on myself. The experiment will be to close my heart off. Make it a no fly zone. Being someone ruled by his emotions, this will prove difficult indeed. But if I can manage to close my heart and maybe get a new hobby, I will never have to go through this again. So its not that I can't love again, it's that I don't want to. It is inevitable that it, love, will have to end at some point. Both methods are too painful. I guess it is coming from a point of view of being practical. I only need to touch fire once to know it is hot and to not touch it again.
-Daemian
Then if you read the last post... he'd already broken the deal.
That being said I have done a lot of thinking. I know.. bad bad bad. But I had a eureka moment. Love is great. When things are going well love can be the answer to many of life's issues. But nothing lasts forever. One way or another the love has to end. Be it by death or by a breakup.
So I am no longer mourning the loss of the relationship. Instead I am mourning the loss of my ability to love. Love don't live here anymore.
Let me qualify that, it is not about "Oh woe is me! I will never find someone to love or be loved by again!". Nope... not at all. What it is about is this. The breakup has been the most painful experience of my life. More painful than losing family members etc. So I have decided I don't WANT love. I am going to try an emotional experiment on myself. The experiment will be to close my heart off. Make it a no fly zone. Being someone ruled by his emotions, this will prove difficult indeed. But if I can manage to close my heart and maybe get a new hobby, I will never have to go through this again. So its not that I can't love again, it's that I don't want to. It is inevitable that it, love, will have to end at some point. Both methods are too painful. I guess it is coming from a point of view of being practical. I only need to touch fire once to know it is hot and to not touch it again.
-Daemian
Friday, December 14, 2007
He Broke The Deal...
Well, it was bound to happen. One of us was bound to break the deal. It just so happens it was he who broke it. As I type this he is on the phone with some guy planning a date, while I am home, after which he will probably go and masturbate in the bathroom for the next 45minutes. This breaks the deal of us not doing this in front of each other. The phone rang and he sprang to life. Usually it has to ring 9 times before he gets it. Yeah... I knew. Shit...
I asked him who was on the phone, hoping it was Dave or someone, and he says "a potential boyfriend... er date."
That being the case, let the flood gates open. By tomorrow's end I should have a few phone numbers to call maybe even give them mine and give them permission to call before I leave. See this is the vindictive nature I can hold. If he can do it... so can I.
As much as I hate to admit it... this is not going to end well.
-D
I asked him who was on the phone, hoping it was Dave or someone, and he says "a potential boyfriend... er date."
That being the case, let the flood gates open. By tomorrow's end I should have a few phone numbers to call maybe even give them mine and give them permission to call before I leave. See this is the vindictive nature I can hold. If he can do it... so can I.
As much as I hate to admit it... this is not going to end well.
-D
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Oh Papi... Just a Taste...
I'm such a tease. My bad... I know the title is a tad misleading, but yes chulos you will all get just a taste... of the book I am writing. Every now and then I will release pages in a progression. So the page you see may not be the page I am on at that time. I am thinking I will make a single chapter (not gonna be a big book tho) available 1 page at a time. The intention of the delivery is to give an interior monologue of the events. This is mostly to give the readers an insight into the main character. You get to read what he is thinking. All actually spoken words will be indicated by being italicized with sounds in bold. Before anyone gets any bright ideas... I have all released pages post marked and mailed to me to prove copyright. :P Damn stalkeratzi!
For those who missed it... click this link for page 1!
Enjoy!
-D
___________________________________
Dec 13th
Sunday afternoon and I wake up in some dingy motel room. I can still smell the hooker I brought home last night. It's a sweet smell, a mix of sweat, pheromones and Brute. He was a cheap hooker. I turn my head to glance at the clock, 2pm. My mind beings to wander and it brings me back to him. He owned my heart and I destroyed his.
Back when I used to run with the fellas, before I got fingered in court for the robbery, my guy was the finest I had ever seen. He was a tall fellow stood clear up to me at my own 6'4, not particularly pretty but rugged. I can almost feel him now. His eyes were a cold steel blue, his hair was black as death itself. The chiseled features, I can see them now... a broad squared jaw. He was a dream come true. Better than any broad who felt her oats enough to try to get me. Nick, Nick was his name. Yeah... those were the days.
knock
Room service!
Dammit, I could have sworn I left the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. Shit, must have fallen off when last nights trash left in the middle of the night. The kid had a smile on his face so big they're gonna have to chisel it of his face when he's dead. I have a habit of doing that. I fuck them then all of a sudden they're in love. Silly kid... he hasn't even seen the world yet.
knock knock knock
Room Service! Guest are you in there?
This one's persistent.
I'll be right there!
I get up and put on my pants. No need for the maid to see my jewels. The walk over to the door reveals the consequences of last nights... excursion. My head throbs, almost feels like what I imagine Chinese Water Torture to feel like. I drank too much, I fucked too much... at least there's a used rubber on the floor. That much got done right. Imagine that... 24 hours out of the joint and I have already contracted an STD. Thank god for that condom being there.
I stumble my way to the door, trying to avoid any light switch along the way. As I open the door there is a homely looking woman behind thick glasses staring at me. Almost quaint in her House Keeper uniform, she looks at me and says:
From the looks of this place I am in need. What did you two boys do in here? Looks like Ella Fitzgerald was here with Dizzy Gillespi and throw in those Rolling Stones boys while yer at it. Crimmeny! Well I didn't raise 5 boys well into adulthood to not be used to this sorta thing. You know... I was the house keeper here when each of those famous types were here. I was here for Sonny and Cher, Elvis, even Patsy Kline....
As she began to drone on and on about the famous people whose puke she's cleaned up in the past 100 years I get a familiar feeling. A feeling of hope and dread. Is he here? The one stalking me? I know it couldn't be Nick. He always had a way of giving me hope and the secret I held caused nothing but dread. I was falling in love with him and was holding back a horrific secret. Besides, Nick has been dead for 10 years. He went and killed himself after I was sentenced to 15yrs in upstate. I'll never quite no why. I never asked him to put his life on hold and wait for me. He was young, 26, had his entire life to live. But his note read that a life without me was no life at all. I knew I was gonna hurt the kid, never did I imagine it would end like this.
...Oh my I have gone on and on and this room is not gonna clean itself Mister....
...David, my name is David.
Well Mister David, I have work to do. Your check out time is 5pm unless you decide to stay another night.
She's a pleasant woman, a tad too chatty for my taste. I grab my bag and head to the shower. The shower is dingy, years of use and abuse. The hospital blue tiles only serve to make the hangover that much worse. I turn off the light and turn on the shower. At least it give good hot water.
Steam fills the room and my mind goes back to him. Suddenly I am shaken. The feeling... it's back and this time who ever or what ever it is... it's close.
©2007
_____________________________________
For those who missed it... click this link for page 1!
Enjoy!
-D
___________________________________
Dec 13th
Sunday afternoon and I wake up in some dingy motel room. I can still smell the hooker I brought home last night. It's a sweet smell, a mix of sweat, pheromones and Brute. He was a cheap hooker. I turn my head to glance at the clock, 2pm. My mind beings to wander and it brings me back to him. He owned my heart and I destroyed his.
Back when I used to run with the fellas, before I got fingered in court for the robbery, my guy was the finest I had ever seen. He was a tall fellow stood clear up to me at my own 6'4, not particularly pretty but rugged. I can almost feel him now. His eyes were a cold steel blue, his hair was black as death itself. The chiseled features, I can see them now... a broad squared jaw. He was a dream come true. Better than any broad who felt her oats enough to try to get me. Nick, Nick was his name. Yeah... those were the days.
knock
Room service!
Dammit, I could have sworn I left the “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. Shit, must have fallen off when last nights trash left in the middle of the night. The kid had a smile on his face so big they're gonna have to chisel it of his face when he's dead. I have a habit of doing that. I fuck them then all of a sudden they're in love. Silly kid... he hasn't even seen the world yet.
knock knock knock
Room Service! Guest are you in there?
This one's persistent.
I'll be right there!
I get up and put on my pants. No need for the maid to see my jewels. The walk over to the door reveals the consequences of last nights... excursion. My head throbs, almost feels like what I imagine Chinese Water Torture to feel like. I drank too much, I fucked too much... at least there's a used rubber on the floor. That much got done right. Imagine that... 24 hours out of the joint and I have already contracted an STD. Thank god for that condom being there.
I stumble my way to the door, trying to avoid any light switch along the way. As I open the door there is a homely looking woman behind thick glasses staring at me. Almost quaint in her House Keeper uniform, she looks at me and says:
From the looks of this place I am in need. What did you two boys do in here? Looks like Ella Fitzgerald was here with Dizzy Gillespi and throw in those Rolling Stones boys while yer at it. Crimmeny! Well I didn't raise 5 boys well into adulthood to not be used to this sorta thing. You know... I was the house keeper here when each of those famous types were here. I was here for Sonny and Cher, Elvis, even Patsy Kline....
As she began to drone on and on about the famous people whose puke she's cleaned up in the past 100 years I get a familiar feeling. A feeling of hope and dread. Is he here? The one stalking me? I know it couldn't be Nick. He always had a way of giving me hope and the secret I held caused nothing but dread. I was falling in love with him and was holding back a horrific secret. Besides, Nick has been dead for 10 years. He went and killed himself after I was sentenced to 15yrs in upstate. I'll never quite no why. I never asked him to put his life on hold and wait for me. He was young, 26, had his entire life to live. But his note read that a life without me was no life at all. I knew I was gonna hurt the kid, never did I imagine it would end like this.
...Oh my I have gone on and on and this room is not gonna clean itself Mister....
...David, my name is David.
Well Mister David, I have work to do. Your check out time is 5pm unless you decide to stay another night.
She's a pleasant woman, a tad too chatty for my taste. I grab my bag and head to the shower. The shower is dingy, years of use and abuse. The hospital blue tiles only serve to make the hangover that much worse. I turn off the light and turn on the shower. At least it give good hot water.
Steam fills the room and my mind goes back to him. Suddenly I am shaken. The feeling... it's back and this time who ever or what ever it is... it's close.
©2007
_____________________________________
Monday, December 10, 2007
Ego Boost...
Well, well, well... I do sell myself short. I am willing to bet it is a major turn off no less. But today was a particularly shitty day. Just work n shit. So yes the entire day was shitty... until...
Most times when someone hits on me I tend to blow em off then get real pissy when they pursue. I chalk it up to 2 things. Thing one... I always took it for granted that I was being hit on because a predator (such as I had been) would try to catch the easiest prey of the pack. So I always chalked that up to them thinking that because I'm not cute that they think I should be easy. Thing 2 is that I was in relationship mode. Being in that mode I would automatically turn them away.
Fast forward to today... I got hit on by the most yummy and delectable of men. I mean he was tall, he was beefy and he was fucking hot. I mean good god. When he approached me I was almost certain that it was to ask for train station directions or the way to 5th Ave.. Nope.. he wanted to actually talk to me. At that point I almost told him I was straight, then I remembered; I am not married anymore. So the conversation went on and he eventually asked me for my number. He's apparently a private practice doctor... interesting. So I figured meh what the hell. I gave him the number. I don't plan on ever seeing him again and told him it was pretty pointless to give him my number seeing as I am leaving NYC at the end of the month. He didn't care. I told him I was not moving to Westchester or anything close, but that I was moving to MA. He asked which part and I told him... Worcester. Well low and behold he is often in Boston and knows some people in Worcester. My, my, my has Gentleman Luck
finally decided to smile on me? His name is Mayan. I mean I don't want another relationship. Relationships hurt... but I don't mind taking a few applications and conducting a few interviews I guess. ;P
Talk about a boost to the good ol' ego!
Lets hope my luck in my new home is just as good.
-Daemian
Most times when someone hits on me I tend to blow em off then get real pissy when they pursue. I chalk it up to 2 things. Thing one... I always took it for granted that I was being hit on because a predator (such as I had been) would try to catch the easiest prey of the pack. So I always chalked that up to them thinking that because I'm not cute that they think I should be easy. Thing 2 is that I was in relationship mode. Being in that mode I would automatically turn them away.
Fast forward to today... I got hit on by the most yummy and delectable of men. I mean he was tall, he was beefy and he was fucking hot. I mean good god. When he approached me I was almost certain that it was to ask for train station directions or the way to 5th Ave.. Nope.. he wanted to actually talk to me. At that point I almost told him I was straight, then I remembered; I am not married anymore. So the conversation went on and he eventually asked me for my number. He's apparently a private practice doctor... interesting. So I figured meh what the hell. I gave him the number. I don't plan on ever seeing him again and told him it was pretty pointless to give him my number seeing as I am leaving NYC at the end of the month. He didn't care. I told him I was not moving to Westchester or anything close, but that I was moving to MA. He asked which part and I told him... Worcester. Well low and behold he is often in Boston and knows some people in Worcester. My, my, my has Gentleman Luck
finally decided to smile on me? His name is Mayan. I mean I don't want another relationship. Relationships hurt... but I don't mind taking a few applications and conducting a few interviews I guess. ;P
Talk about a boost to the good ol' ego!
Lets hope my luck in my new home is just as good.
-Daemian
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Mmmm the smell of success...
Ok, so the teaser banner is up and here is a sneak peak of the home page. The site will be a mix of flash and html. We'll see how it goes.
-Daemian
-Daemian
Lightning Strikes Yet Again!!
Is this really possible? I mean lightning never strikes the same place twice... right? Well I found something. Deep inside this whirlwind of creativity that this break up has broken the flood gates on... has solved my website problems.
I have been meaning to update my personal site. I couldn't come up with anything. Nada. All of my good ideas were used up at work. Well, thank the Muses because I have finally come up with it. It is kinda funny really. So I must give a little bit of background without giving too much away. That's right bitches... fags and their secrets!
I have what I like to call, drumroll please, a Hero Complex. What the fuck is a Hero Complex you ask? Simple, my definition of a Hero Complex is thus:
A person that is driven by the need to protect. Such persons tend to protect either emotionally, financially, inspirationally or physically. These people are what have been so called "Good Cops", "Motherly", "Good Soldier" or "Guard Dog". Each one of these types protect but in different ways.
Good Cops: These are the cops that do what is right regardless of the cost. These cops are cops for the right reasons. They want to protect and serve and tend to be good at their jobs with little recognition. Often well known on their patrol routes.
Motherly: These are those around us that nurture and protect us from life. They are often found giving sound advice and making sure the lamb they took in is well fed. They hold the home and only have the best interest of her chosen lambs in mind.
Good Soldier: These are the soldiers often identified as weekend patriotic. They jump into the fray with little regards for their own lives to disobey an order if it means doing what is right and not what they are told. This soldier is, to be frank, the one who saves the innocent village from his commanding officer; whom is torturing the people and cutting off their ears to wear as a necklace. This soldier feels a responsibility to freedom, regardless of his command.
Guard Dog: The Guard Dog is an interesting sort. The Guard Dog basically protects his master. At all costs. This type of person is often found protecting the smaller guy. They tend to defend those that cannot defend themselves. Vigilante in his watch this is the type of person you want in your home. He will keep watch and resume his guard. This type of Hero Complex tends to fall into the role of protecting physically. As unsavory as it sounds... the... ick... Guardian Angels (had to hold back my barf) are a group of people with a Guard Dog Type Hero Complex.
Where does that leave me? I am a Guard Dog type. I hate to see people getting picked on. Given my size I never really get messed with and the assault tends to end quickly or does not occur once I get involved. If you are nice to me you get my protection. I will look out for you. If you help me in ways unmeasurable (being a good friend) you have my protection for life. And if I love you... I will always protect you first.
This is sort of why I wanted to be a police officer for a while when looking into plentiful jobs. I worked as security at a gay bar in NYC for a while. I even got involved when I saw some asshole trying to beat up a lesbian. Apparently he didn't like rejection. Well he didn't like my fist connecting with his nose either.
So... what does all this bullshit have to do with a website?
Everything!
I have my central theme and all I will tell you is that it is called....
Hero Complex
-Daemian
P.S. I am working on a new banner as a teaser. Woohoo!
I have been meaning to update my personal site. I couldn't come up with anything. Nada. All of my good ideas were used up at work. Well, thank the Muses because I have finally come up with it. It is kinda funny really. So I must give a little bit of background without giving too much away. That's right bitches... fags and their secrets!
I have what I like to call, drumroll please, a Hero Complex. What the fuck is a Hero Complex you ask? Simple, my definition of a Hero Complex is thus:
A person that is driven by the need to protect. Such persons tend to protect either emotionally, financially, inspirationally or physically. These people are what have been so called "Good Cops", "Motherly", "Good Soldier" or "Guard Dog". Each one of these types protect but in different ways.
Good Cops: These are the cops that do what is right regardless of the cost. These cops are cops for the right reasons. They want to protect and serve and tend to be good at their jobs with little recognition. Often well known on their patrol routes.
Motherly: These are those around us that nurture and protect us from life. They are often found giving sound advice and making sure the lamb they took in is well fed. They hold the home and only have the best interest of her chosen lambs in mind.
Good Soldier: These are the soldiers often identified as weekend patriotic. They jump into the fray with little regards for their own lives to disobey an order if it means doing what is right and not what they are told. This soldier is, to be frank, the one who saves the innocent village from his commanding officer; whom is torturing the people and cutting off their ears to wear as a necklace. This soldier feels a responsibility to freedom, regardless of his command.
Guard Dog: The Guard Dog is an interesting sort. The Guard Dog basically protects his master. At all costs. This type of person is often found protecting the smaller guy. They tend to defend those that cannot defend themselves. Vigilante in his watch this is the type of person you want in your home. He will keep watch and resume his guard. This type of Hero Complex tends to fall into the role of protecting physically. As unsavory as it sounds... the... ick... Guardian Angels (had to hold back my barf) are a group of people with a Guard Dog Type Hero Complex.
Where does that leave me? I am a Guard Dog type. I hate to see people getting picked on. Given my size I never really get messed with and the assault tends to end quickly or does not occur once I get involved. If you are nice to me you get my protection. I will look out for you. If you help me in ways unmeasurable (being a good friend) you have my protection for life. And if I love you... I will always protect you first.
This is sort of why I wanted to be a police officer for a while when looking into plentiful jobs. I worked as security at a gay bar in NYC for a while. I even got involved when I saw some asshole trying to beat up a lesbian. Apparently he didn't like rejection. Well he didn't like my fist connecting with his nose either.
So... what does all this bullshit have to do with a website?
Everything!
I have my central theme and all I will tell you is that it is called....
Hero Complex
-Daemian
P.S. I am working on a new banner as a teaser. Woohoo!
Friday, December 7, 2007
For Some Reason...
For some reason I actually feel a little better today. It could be that I had a good nights sleep. Didn't feel as cold in the office (our old bedroom) last night as it had the past two weeks. I realized something. Mike puts up a front. He pretends like he doesn't care when in reality he is dying on the inside. I do just wish he'd let it out. Show me who he is, I feel that after all this time I deserve to KNOW the man I was in love with.
I pretty much said to him that if he wants to go out see other people that yes it would crush me.
That... yes I would be jealous. That yes I would be worried sick. But I then told him that it would be nothing much different from what he would feel but try to hide. In fact it'd hurt him more if I did it. So I asked him what he wanted and if he was prepared to deal with the consequences.
He admitted that he would never say anything or not show his hurt but that he wouldn't be able to handle it. He's be walking around this apartment going insane with jealousy and stray thoughts. We also both looked at the likely-hood that we will end up sleeping with each other before the month is out (I know him well enough to know he is gonna want a good bye/one last time fuck) and that with that likely-hood we should refrain from being with other people. If he gets crabs before the end of the month he knows his "one last time" option is gone.
We both realized that we are not going to heal while still living with each other. We both realize that professionally we still fit. With the professional realization we have been talking about the web business and wether or not we will remain partners. Right now the company is set up as a sole proprietorship under my name. There is only one business being worked on actively (my electronics store http://www.leviathanelectronics.com) so he is a lil aprehensive. I don't blame him. After War of the Roses who could blame anybody. But, we do know that we will most likely not speak to each other for at least 2 months except for things like a bill here or there or stuff I may have left. During those 2 months we will both be working on our prospective sites. As a man of honor I will allow him to do business under the established company name until he gets his own leg work done at which time I will turn over his security site.
Jaeryd is right, I cannot stop being a man of honor (Goddamn Osaka sensibilities). Selling myself short is something I need to fix, but I need to see what they see before that change will happen. On my jealousy... the truth about my jealousy is that I only get jealous when I have a reason to be. Mike says he didn't see the jealousy except on occasions in which I had reason to be jealous. Like after the incident 4 months ago or if I am not getting screwed regularly. I guess he is sort of right... as long as I have reassurance and hot sex my jealousy doesn't come out. But it would be nice to be free of it, though I doubt I will ever be free of it.
I am still in a sad place, I am mourning the loss of my best friend and our relationship as I watch it end. But it, for some reason, feels like today is going to be easier to put up a front and get through.
-Daemian
I pretty much said to him that if he wants to go out see other people that yes it would crush me.
That... yes I would be jealous. That yes I would be worried sick. But I then told him that it would be nothing much different from what he would feel but try to hide. In fact it'd hurt him more if I did it. So I asked him what he wanted and if he was prepared to deal with the consequences.
He admitted that he would never say anything or not show his hurt but that he wouldn't be able to handle it. He's be walking around this apartment going insane with jealousy and stray thoughts. We also both looked at the likely-hood that we will end up sleeping with each other before the month is out (I know him well enough to know he is gonna want a good bye/one last time fuck) and that with that likely-hood we should refrain from being with other people. If he gets crabs before the end of the month he knows his "one last time" option is gone.
We both realized that we are not going to heal while still living with each other. We both realize that professionally we still fit. With the professional realization we have been talking about the web business and wether or not we will remain partners. Right now the company is set up as a sole proprietorship under my name. There is only one business being worked on actively (my electronics store http://www.leviathanelectronics.com) so he is a lil aprehensive. I don't blame him. After War of the Roses who could blame anybody. But, we do know that we will most likely not speak to each other for at least 2 months except for things like a bill here or there or stuff I may have left. During those 2 months we will both be working on our prospective sites. As a man of honor I will allow him to do business under the established company name until he gets his own leg work done at which time I will turn over his security site.
Jaeryd is right, I cannot stop being a man of honor (Goddamn Osaka sensibilities). Selling myself short is something I need to fix, but I need to see what they see before that change will happen. On my jealousy... the truth about my jealousy is that I only get jealous when I have a reason to be. Mike says he didn't see the jealousy except on occasions in which I had reason to be jealous. Like after the incident 4 months ago or if I am not getting screwed regularly. I guess he is sort of right... as long as I have reassurance and hot sex my jealousy doesn't come out. But it would be nice to be free of it, though I doubt I will ever be free of it.
I am still in a sad place, I am mourning the loss of my best friend and our relationship as I watch it end. But it, for some reason, feels like today is going to be easier to put up a front and get through.
-Daemian
Thursday, December 6, 2007
To Find a Way...
I have got to find a way to stop thinking about this. I have to find a way to let go myself. If Mike wants to go on a date... why should I be so upset? That only means I could go on a date too. But I don't want to go on a date. How could he? See it's questions like that which are driving me insane.
He'll sit there and greet me with "Hello Ex-Boyfriend" when I come home from work... tell me he wishes I wasn't leaving him then goes and searches the personals. I don't understand how I can feel so much and he appears to feel so little? We have always been opposites that way. If I feel I tend to let it out. I wish I had let it out over the past now 4 months. Maybe things would be different if I didn't squirrel away what I was feeling.
Been having nightmares lately. Mostly involving him screwin someone right in front of me. So I haven't been sleeping well. Has he stopped loving me just that easily and my mind is manifesting that I am a dime a dozen? Is my mind telling me that someone who looks like I look should have been grateful to have anyone at all? I know this is a major life change and I am bound to be jacked. I can't go back, things will never be the same between us... I can see that. Living with him makes it more difficult because I am constantly reminded of the fact that I love him. This hurts too much and he doesn't think I care or that I love him. I am gonna be in for a bumpy road ahead.
I have to find a way to make it through this month. I have to find a way to take my mind off of this. I need to get away. I should be working at this very moment and can't help but think about this. I have started throwing myself into planning the move, but I stop for even a second and my mind goes right back to him. I had to write it out to get it out so I can go back about my day.
I am sure Jae, Shain, Ping and Daylia are about sick of hearing about it. I don't really care for what my co-workers think... never really like them (1 or two here or there I liked) so I don't talk about it at work. In fact the only one I have to talk about it with right now is Mike. So I am going to try to not talk about it at all except on this blog. I will just squirrel away my feelings. I tell you what tho, I think this may be the last time I ever do another honorable thing. A man of honor is what I have prided myself on along with my brain and my cock. I have done the honorable thing and it hurts more than words can accurately portray. I can't go back... not the way I am and not with all I have seen.
I have to find a way...
-Daemian
He'll sit there and greet me with "Hello Ex-Boyfriend" when I come home from work... tell me he wishes I wasn't leaving him then goes and searches the personals. I don't understand how I can feel so much and he appears to feel so little? We have always been opposites that way. If I feel I tend to let it out. I wish I had let it out over the past now 4 months. Maybe things would be different if I didn't squirrel away what I was feeling.
Been having nightmares lately. Mostly involving him screwin someone right in front of me. So I haven't been sleeping well. Has he stopped loving me just that easily and my mind is manifesting that I am a dime a dozen? Is my mind telling me that someone who looks like I look should have been grateful to have anyone at all? I know this is a major life change and I am bound to be jacked. I can't go back, things will never be the same between us... I can see that. Living with him makes it more difficult because I am constantly reminded of the fact that I love him. This hurts too much and he doesn't think I care or that I love him. I am gonna be in for a bumpy road ahead.
I have to find a way to make it through this month. I have to find a way to take my mind off of this. I need to get away. I should be working at this very moment and can't help but think about this. I have started throwing myself into planning the move, but I stop for even a second and my mind goes right back to him. I had to write it out to get it out so I can go back about my day.
I am sure Jae, Shain, Ping and Daylia are about sick of hearing about it. I don't really care for what my co-workers think... never really like them (1 or two here or there I liked) so I don't talk about it at work. In fact the only one I have to talk about it with right now is Mike. So I am going to try to not talk about it at all except on this blog. I will just squirrel away my feelings. I tell you what tho, I think this may be the last time I ever do another honorable thing. A man of honor is what I have prided myself on along with my brain and my cock. I have done the honorable thing and it hurts more than words can accurately portray. I can't go back... not the way I am and not with all I have seen.
I have to find a way...
-Daemian
Did he love me at all?
Was he in love with the idea of being in love or was he in love with me? He let me go without a fight. He has turned off his feelings for me. How can anyone just turn off their feelings about someone, while still living with them, if they loved that person?
I don't understand. I know, I know... I broke up with him, what right do I have to even care myself. I don't know but I do. I am one that is ruled by his emotions. He is one I guess who doesn't have any emotion, none that's really his. He seems to have ideas of emotion and when the idea no longer fits what he expected he drops it. The relationship wasn't even buried before he posted an ad and went on a date. We agreed to honor our ten years by not trying to hurt the other... but now he seems to be dropping hints that he wants to fuck his way to better mental health.
Been having nightmares lately. I almost wish I could go back... but I can't especially not after seeing how he can just turn off his how he feels about me. It wouldn't be jealousy but the question of does he really love me that would drive me insane. I don't seem to handle stress very well at all. Who knew?
Maybe I should just go stay with my boss at his house in...eeww... Jersey until this month is done. I often wonder how it came to this...
I don't understand. I know, I know... I broke up with him, what right do I have to even care myself. I don't know but I do. I am one that is ruled by his emotions. He is one I guess who doesn't have any emotion, none that's really his. He seems to have ideas of emotion and when the idea no longer fits what he expected he drops it. The relationship wasn't even buried before he posted an ad and went on a date. We agreed to honor our ten years by not trying to hurt the other... but now he seems to be dropping hints that he wants to fuck his way to better mental health.
Been having nightmares lately. I almost wish I could go back... but I can't especially not after seeing how he can just turn off his how he feels about me. It wouldn't be jealousy but the question of does he really love me that would drive me insane. I don't seem to handle stress very well at all. Who knew?
Maybe I should just go stay with my boss at his house in...eeww... Jersey until this month is done. I often wonder how it came to this...
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Wish Me Luck!
I may have found a place to move to. It will be a roommate situation, to be frank the studio/1br prospects in my new price range is pretty abismal this time of year. So I will be putting in 6 months to a year with what, so far, seems like 2 really cool people. They have animals and that does not bother me one bit. I will miss Aries as I am leaving him with Mike until I can get a place of my own.
Mike seems to think that I SHOULD move in with roommates as I am rather non-social when not put in a social setting. He feels that if I am socializing I will be ok. Though he does not admit it, he is as worried about me as I am about him. I don't want anything to happen to him as a result of my not being here as his voice of reason. He does not want anything to happen to me either as a result of his not being there to take motherly care of me.
I have been giving him as much advice as possible and he has for me too. He's been telling me about things I would need to be able to do basics like... you know... cook for myself. I have been giving him as much advice about protecting himself as I could. In a 10yr long relationship you get used to being able to take some things for granted, being newly single he has to now face danger again. I won't be able to protect him. That scares me as I will not be there to be the voice of reason nor will I be there to be the muscle that keeps him safe.
So... I called Jae told him about the room and asked him to check it out for me. Hopefully he will check it out and say "sure go for it.". When he does I will be sending them my rent for Jan and begin the chore of renting a Van to get me up to MA with my stuff. Walter will be driving me up there. 5 and a half hours in a van with my ex-husbands best friend. Mike was the one who suggested it... we both figured it was Mikes way of being passive aggressive. The entire way Walter will bug me about how I am making a mistake first... then about how many men I will get... then about taking him out to get drunk and all the while calling me a 'ho' because it is his vernacular.
Joy...
But wish me luck peeps. I need to do this. For myselff and for anyone else who will end up with me. In my current state, heartbreak aside, I am no good for anyone. Not Mike nor myself.
-Daemian
Mike seems to think that I SHOULD move in with roommates as I am rather non-social when not put in a social setting. He feels that if I am socializing I will be ok. Though he does not admit it, he is as worried about me as I am about him. I don't want anything to happen to him as a result of my not being here as his voice of reason. He does not want anything to happen to me either as a result of his not being there to take motherly care of me.
I have been giving him as much advice as possible and he has for me too. He's been telling me about things I would need to be able to do basics like... you know... cook for myself. I have been giving him as much advice about protecting himself as I could. In a 10yr long relationship you get used to being able to take some things for granted, being newly single he has to now face danger again. I won't be able to protect him. That scares me as I will not be there to be the voice of reason nor will I be there to be the muscle that keeps him safe.
So... I called Jae told him about the room and asked him to check it out for me. Hopefully he will check it out and say "sure go for it.". When he does I will be sending them my rent for Jan and begin the chore of renting a Van to get me up to MA with my stuff. Walter will be driving me up there. 5 and a half hours in a van with my ex-husbands best friend. Mike was the one who suggested it... we both figured it was Mikes way of being passive aggressive. The entire way Walter will bug me about how I am making a mistake first... then about how many men I will get... then about taking him out to get drunk and all the while calling me a 'ho' because it is his vernacular.
Joy...
But wish me luck peeps. I need to do this. For myselff and for anyone else who will end up with me. In my current state, heartbreak aside, I am no good for anyone. Not Mike nor myself.
-Daemian
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Something to Look Forward to...
Well I am finding all sorts of things out about myself already. My writers block seems to be going away. I guess the old adage of when you are happy you have nothing to say comes to my mind. I had to go in to work for a few minutes today (45 minutes to get there... do 5 min of work... 45minutes to get back) and was shocked. As I was walking I wrote a good opening paragraph to what could be a very interesting story.
Here it goes:
___________________________________________________________________
Dec 12th
The city is cold. To be expected this time of year. Few trees to hold in the heat, the cold cement beneath your feet and every where you turn a windtunnel is created by the cold stone buildings. This is winter in New York City, but this time it is different. The city was an almost perfect snow globe. The snow fell in large flakes but gently made their way to their final destination. But there is something else here with me. Making me colder, making me walk harder. Indeed something is different about this cold.
The wind whips about my uncovered face, forcing the snow to burn as it whips across the skin. I should have at least worn a hat, maybe even a scarf.
I take a long, deep breath to puff up my chest and warm myself with the air in my lungs. It's a useful trick, keeping air in the bottom of the lungs for heat and using the top of your lungs to breathe. I am sure you will find I have a lot of useful tricks. If only one of those tricks involved mending my mourning. Perhaps that is what it is. This cold is a different cold, because something in it is colder. Something that is stalking me. I am sure that in due time the thing stalking me will make it's move. Is it friendly? I don't know, but any hardened criminal knows to expect everything. My time in upstate taught me to be on my toes. Fresh out of jail on a cold December day. The world around me is an almost perfect snow globe. The only flaw in this sea of fluffy white fantasy... is me.
I thought I would never get to see the snow again. But it's cold... I need to find a place to stay.
___________________________________________________________________
So... what do you guys think? I think it has the makings for a good story of revenge and redemption with a tragic hero. I am thinking of doing it in interior monologue and telling the action from the Tragic Hero's point of view. Sorta film noir but in a book.
I think I like it.
-Daemian
Here it goes:
___________________________________________________________________
Dec 12th
The city is cold. To be expected this time of year. Few trees to hold in the heat, the cold cement beneath your feet and every where you turn a windtunnel is created by the cold stone buildings. This is winter in New York City, but this time it is different. The city was an almost perfect snow globe. The snow fell in large flakes but gently made their way to their final destination. But there is something else here with me. Making me colder, making me walk harder. Indeed something is different about this cold.
The wind whips about my uncovered face, forcing the snow to burn as it whips across the skin. I should have at least worn a hat, maybe even a scarf.
I take a long, deep breath to puff up my chest and warm myself with the air in my lungs. It's a useful trick, keeping air in the bottom of the lungs for heat and using the top of your lungs to breathe. I am sure you will find I have a lot of useful tricks. If only one of those tricks involved mending my mourning. Perhaps that is what it is. This cold is a different cold, because something in it is colder. Something that is stalking me. I am sure that in due time the thing stalking me will make it's move. Is it friendly? I don't know, but any hardened criminal knows to expect everything. My time in upstate taught me to be on my toes. Fresh out of jail on a cold December day. The world around me is an almost perfect snow globe. The only flaw in this sea of fluffy white fantasy... is me.
I thought I would never get to see the snow again. But it's cold... I need to find a place to stay.
___________________________________________________________________
So... what do you guys think? I think it has the makings for a good story of revenge and redemption with a tragic hero. I am thinking of doing it in interior monologue and telling the action from the Tragic Hero's point of view. Sorta film noir but in a book.
I think I like it.
-Daemian
Friday, November 30, 2007
Choices...
I have made a choice. I did not do it to hurt anyone. I did it to prevent the inevitable. He made a choice too... though done out of spite... has actually created a sort of closure. He has met someone.... yes already... he has promised to honor our ten years together by not actually dating or hooking up during the last few weeks I am here. But the emails... never seen him get as hot for me as he does when writing these damn things. I am jealous for sure.
So... I told him about C.. There is not much to tell really. A general attraction, then a personality match... but nothing serious. Nothing has happened... but I should start thinking about the rest of my life. It does not seem that these things should be occurring so quickly. Not after 10yrs. It still hurts to wake up in the morning knowing it's over. But I guess it will pass.
What was that sweety? Oh.. his reaction to my talking about C. in any form... it made him uncomfortable. It's a feeling.. I am almost shocked. He expresses no feeling that is not happiness or anger. I never made him jealous before. Too bad this is what it took to get a real emotion out of him. Granted I should not have used Cs coincidence to me to make him jealous (He does not know Cs name, that would have just been tacky) but I was hurting something aweful.
I hope we both learn from this and come out of it better people. If we didn't the pain would be a waste.
-Daemian
So... I told him about C.. There is not much to tell really. A general attraction, then a personality match... but nothing serious. Nothing has happened... but I should start thinking about the rest of my life. It does not seem that these things should be occurring so quickly. Not after 10yrs. It still hurts to wake up in the morning knowing it's over. But I guess it will pass.
What was that sweety? Oh.. his reaction to my talking about C. in any form... it made him uncomfortable. It's a feeling.. I am almost shocked. He expresses no feeling that is not happiness or anger. I never made him jealous before. Too bad this is what it took to get a real emotion out of him. Granted I should not have used Cs coincidence to me to make him jealous (He does not know Cs name, that would have just been tacky) but I was hurting something aweful.
I hope we both learn from this and come out of it better people. If we didn't the pain would be a waste.
-Daemian
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Then the Ground Falls from Under You...
As some of you may know, I had been basically married for the past 10yrs with my husband, Mike. As some of you may also know, we also had a crisis of relationship that destroyed my trust in him about 3 months ago. Well... I fought... I fought hard. I fought to try to regain my trust in him... tooth and nail. I did not give up easily. But it came to a head... with our moving to Mass... to my trips up there and making friends... it all became real. I was still distrustful and even downright resentful. Knowing I was uncertain of our relationship and not wanting to drag him along for a ride only to end it under harsher circumstances... I ended my 10 yr marriage.
It hurt more than I could have ever imagined. I never want nor wanted to hurt him. I knew I inevitably would. I would rather end this relationship with love in my heart for him... not resentment and fear.
I did not come to this easily. He saved my life. If it weren't for him I would be dead or in jail. I am not comfortable with the idea of being alone. I am not comfortable with the idea of losing him forever... which may be the case. But I can't go forward... not with him. I will only end up hurting him. I spent most of the nights Thanksgiving week crying at Jaeryd's. I knew that given all that has happened I couldn't go back. I knew what I was going home to do. I spent the entire bus ride home blinking back tears. I know how receptive I was to ones advances this past week. While nothing aside from a kiss occurred... I knew. I knew that the resentment I still felt was going to push me away, maybe even into the arms of another. I love Mike too much to do that him. He says he'd probably deal with it. I will not allow that... I love him too much to hurt him that way.
I still have a lot to learn. I am jealous... that needs to change. I am insecure... that needs to change. I am full of distrust... that needs to change. I don't trust him; I don't trust me. I can't be in a relationship with someone I love but can't trust. He should not have to be in that position.
I am hoping to grow, to learn, to experience. I can tell you guys what, that screenplay I spoke of in past blogs, I think it was a vBlog, I can get past the first 10 pages. I now know what it means to have loved and lost. I hope I can come out of it ok. But I can write the romantic comedy I think. I don't know how it will end. But I do know the first half.
Maybe we will meet again some where down the line and the time will be right. Maybe we will never be together again (I am sure we can be friends... we have been best friends for 10yrs). But I know I will never lose the 10yrs we spent together. I learned happiness was possible. With the life I had up to that point, I had no hope for any happiness in my life. He showed me it was possible to have happiness. A lesson that forced me to change for the better. I am losing out here... but thats ok. I can't win all the time, it can't rain all the time either.
-Daemian
P.S. I am moving to Mass still. Saving up the money to move during Dec. Gonna pull overtime n stuff. Try to sell some of my electronics from the store on eBay for some quick cash. So at the end of Dec til prob mid Jan I may be MIA. You know gotta get internet out there.
It hurt more than I could have ever imagined. I never want nor wanted to hurt him. I knew I inevitably would. I would rather end this relationship with love in my heart for him... not resentment and fear.
I did not come to this easily. He saved my life. If it weren't for him I would be dead or in jail. I am not comfortable with the idea of being alone. I am not comfortable with the idea of losing him forever... which may be the case. But I can't go forward... not with him. I will only end up hurting him. I spent most of the nights Thanksgiving week crying at Jaeryd's. I knew that given all that has happened I couldn't go back. I knew what I was going home to do. I spent the entire bus ride home blinking back tears. I know how receptive I was to ones advances this past week. While nothing aside from a kiss occurred... I knew. I knew that the resentment I still felt was going to push me away, maybe even into the arms of another. I love Mike too much to do that him. He says he'd probably deal with it. I will not allow that... I love him too much to hurt him that way.
I still have a lot to learn. I am jealous... that needs to change. I am insecure... that needs to change. I am full of distrust... that needs to change. I don't trust him; I don't trust me. I can't be in a relationship with someone I love but can't trust. He should not have to be in that position.
I am hoping to grow, to learn, to experience. I can tell you guys what, that screenplay I spoke of in past blogs, I think it was a vBlog, I can get past the first 10 pages. I now know what it means to have loved and lost. I hope I can come out of it ok. But I can write the romantic comedy I think. I don't know how it will end. But I do know the first half.
Maybe we will meet again some where down the line and the time will be right. Maybe we will never be together again (I am sure we can be friends... we have been best friends for 10yrs). But I know I will never lose the 10yrs we spent together. I learned happiness was possible. With the life I had up to that point, I had no hope for any happiness in my life. He showed me it was possible to have happiness. A lesson that forced me to change for the better. I am losing out here... but thats ok. I can't win all the time, it can't rain all the time either.
-Daemian
P.S. I am moving to Mass still. Saving up the money to move during Dec. Gonna pull overtime n stuff. Try to sell some of my electronics from the store on eBay for some quick cash. So at the end of Dec til prob mid Jan I may be MIA. You know gotta get internet out there.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
A Feast Fit for a King!
Oh my fucking god. I ate so much I am still digesting and it's been hours since I last ate. Carl, the cook, did a fantastic job of dinner. I mean the ham and turkey looked like it stepped out of a catalogue. The Lasagna made by our hostess, Miss Kitty, was fantastic as well. It was as good as my mothers. Sorry mom, but dammit it is true. It was as good. She even used sausage in it. Yum. Home made sausage and meatballs. The garlic potatoes were awesome and then there was dessert.
Jae can cook an orgasm into anything. I had Pumpkin Cheesecake for the very first time. I damn near creamed my pants. It was that frikkin good. He made an apple pie that was the best frikkin pie ever and the brownies... granted they were not spiked... where a delictable delight that danced on the tongue and filled ones senses with rich chocolate and nuts. It was the closest I have ever gotten to eating ambrosia.
I am making Jae make me a Pumpkin Cheesecake to bring home. I am soooo feeling like dancing right now tho.
-Daemian
Jae can cook an orgasm into anything. I had Pumpkin Cheesecake for the very first time. I damn near creamed my pants. It was that frikkin good. He made an apple pie that was the best frikkin pie ever and the brownies... granted they were not spiked... where a delictable delight that danced on the tongue and filled ones senses with rich chocolate and nuts. It was the closest I have ever gotten to eating ambrosia.
I am making Jae make me a Pumpkin Cheesecake to bring home. I am soooo feeling like dancing right now tho.
-Daemian
So it begins
Well last night was fabulous. The bus was only about an hour late. So I got to Worcester at 8:15 ish instead 7:30ish. This was not bad at all, I mean there was a little Spanish child whom I wanted to strangle, but aside from that it was all good.
Got in... Jae picks me up and we go back to his condo where I then proceed to peel apples. I am soooo not Betty Crocker. I have never before peeled an apple. But hey I helped make the apples pie. I found I was better at cutting them up than peeling them.
Afterwards we headed out to the club. They were having a hot thighs contest... lemme tell ya... churld... there were 2 straight boys there with pretty nice thighs. So now here we are getting ready to leave for Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe I can get some pictures... I was too busy dancing last night to take any. My bad.
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone. A special Happy Thanksgiving to my Mother, Bianca, Mike and his family. Sorry I am not there but glad I am here.
Til later
-Daemian
Got in... Jae picks me up and we go back to his condo where I then proceed to peel apples. I am soooo not Betty Crocker. I have never before peeled an apple. But hey I helped make the apples pie. I found I was better at cutting them up than peeling them.
Afterwards we headed out to the club. They were having a hot thighs contest... lemme tell ya... churld... there were 2 straight boys there with pretty nice thighs. So now here we are getting ready to leave for Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe I can get some pictures... I was too busy dancing last night to take any. My bad.
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone. A special Happy Thanksgiving to my Mother, Bianca, Mike and his family. Sorry I am not there but glad I am here.
Til later
-Daemian
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
A Bus Ride... take 2!
Ok, so I am totally stoked. Yes I let lil' Valley Ho out right there. I mean I am just 1 hour away from leaving work to head to the Port Authority. I am venturing up to Worcester, MA again! This time I bought my ticket online, sent up a Happy Thanksgiving case of wine, I have the thank you for hosting gifts and I have packed my favorite underwear. You know... the ones that puts my package right in front... makes the package look fantastic... yeah those.
It is allegedly a 5 hour trip. Lets see if the bus can make it in 6-7 hours. My money is on another 8 hour ride.
I can't wait to see Jae again, can't wait to dance til I can't walk and I hope I don't shop until I drop. I have to find a way to make this trip better than the last. We will work something out. I will totally miss my husband, but shit... it's good to know I will miss him. Will do a lil apartment hunting and check out the job situation some how. The vendor is in Marlborough, so maybe Marlborough would be a good spot. Who knows. Craigslist and a news paper will be my bestest friend... next to Jae that is. :P
I will have my laptop with me so I will try to keep you guys informed.
-Daemian
It is allegedly a 5 hour trip. Lets see if the bus can make it in 6-7 hours. My money is on another 8 hour ride.
I can't wait to see Jae again, can't wait to dance til I can't walk and I hope I don't shop until I drop. I have to find a way to make this trip better than the last. We will work something out. I will totally miss my husband, but shit... it's good to know I will miss him. Will do a lil apartment hunting and check out the job situation some how. The vendor is in Marlborough, so maybe Marlborough would be a good spot. Who knows. Craigslist and a news paper will be my bestest friend... next to Jae that is. :P
I will have my laptop with me so I will try to keep you guys informed.
-Daemian
Sunday, November 18, 2007
An Early Thanksgiving w/ Mum & Sis!
Well given that I am going to be away this year for Thanksgiving I could not very well completely forsake my mother and my sister. So I decided I was going to take them both out for an early Thanksgiving Dinner on me. The food was good, we went to Red Lobster... my sister's choice not mine, the wait staff straight and far from flirty. Dammit!
We had an addition to the group this year. My sisters boyfriend of 4 years whom I have only met once. He figures it would be a good idea to get to know Bianca's borther because she always talks to me and about me. He wanted to know if I was gonna live up to the hype. Apparently I did. He even earned a new nickname from me. BIL, pronounce Bill, meaning Brother In Law. He loves it of course. I am glad that my mother and my sister are doing well. I always sorta felt like I had abandoned them when I moved out of the house at 17. But they are doing fine and grabbing life by the knickers. So I am glad and thankful for that.
I did take some pictures.. here they go:
Til next time people...
-Daemian
We had an addition to the group this year. My sisters boyfriend of 4 years whom I have only met once. He figures it would be a good idea to get to know Bianca's borther because she always talks to me and about me. He wanted to know if I was gonna live up to the hype. Apparently I did. He even earned a new nickname from me. BIL, pronounce Bill, meaning Brother In Law. He loves it of course. I am glad that my mother and my sister are doing well. I always sorta felt like I had abandoned them when I moved out of the house at 17. But they are doing fine and grabbing life by the knickers. So I am glad and thankful for that.
I did take some pictures.. here they go:
This is my sister's car when she came to pick me up from Penn Station
This is the Legendary Bianca herself!
This is My mother's pride and joy. She loves this car and for good damn reason!
This is my sister and Bill.
This is My mother's pride and joy. She loves this car and for good damn reason!
This is my sister and Bill.
This is me and my mother. God I look awful, I slept maybe 2 hours the night before, had to work that morning (Yesterday) and then travel to Jersey. I know I looked a mess but so what. Fun with family is fun with family. And yes that is a tattoo on my mothers chest. Between her, my sister and myself there must be at least 25 tattoos sitting at the table. LOL.
Til next time people...
-Daemian
Friday, November 16, 2007
Fine Mofos at work!
Oh... my... god.
We have this set of fratenal twins who workewd with us last year during the holidays. I didn't pay much attention to them aside from conversation... well because they are straight. This year the one who is an aspiring singer left and his brother who left at the end of last season came in. They are both buff but the brother that is here now is a multi-threat. He used to be a gymnast, a boxer and is now working construction. He is fine as fuck. Oh my god... and to make matters worse... he is paying an interesting amount of attention to me. He's got a lil bit of chub on him but it is melting fast. I told him not to lose all of it, for if he does he wouldn't be that hot to me any more. He then said, "Don't worry, I'll make sure you keep your eye candy." Inside I was like, AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!". I'd do him in the basement with the security cameras watching. He is that damn fine. Puerto Rican no less... as you boys know I tend to like em on the white side, but shit I'd let this dude make me his top bitch any day if I were single. He is not fine enough for me to jeopardize my relationship... but he is fine enough to jeopardize my job.
I mean, he did this thing that gymnasts do where they lean all the way back and go palm down on the floor behind them. Holding a perfect arch. Then he brought himself back up to full standing position with NO help at all. Just his core muscles balancing him and bringing him upright. I was speechless and my jaw was on the floor. I knew there was a good reason to want to fuck a gymnast and this sexxy fucker is it!
Anywho... I need to get back to work. I just couldn't contain this any more. I wish I was less ethical and was willing to put his picture up without his permission. Hell I wish I could get him to take his shirt off. *woof*
Maybe I can get a pic of him before the night is out.
-Daemian
We have this set of fratenal twins who workewd with us last year during the holidays. I didn't pay much attention to them aside from conversation... well because they are straight. This year the one who is an aspiring singer left and his brother who left at the end of last season came in. They are both buff but the brother that is here now is a multi-threat. He used to be a gymnast, a boxer and is now working construction. He is fine as fuck. Oh my god... and to make matters worse... he is paying an interesting amount of attention to me. He's got a lil bit of chub on him but it is melting fast. I told him not to lose all of it, for if he does he wouldn't be that hot to me any more. He then said, "Don't worry, I'll make sure you keep your eye candy." Inside I was like, AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!". I'd do him in the basement with the security cameras watching. He is that damn fine. Puerto Rican no less... as you boys know I tend to like em on the white side, but shit I'd let this dude make me his top bitch any day if I were single. He is not fine enough for me to jeopardize my relationship... but he is fine enough to jeopardize my job.
I mean, he did this thing that gymnasts do where they lean all the way back and go palm down on the floor behind them. Holding a perfect arch. Then he brought himself back up to full standing position with NO help at all. Just his core muscles balancing him and bringing him upright. I was speechless and my jaw was on the floor. I knew there was a good reason to want to fuck a gymnast and this sexxy fucker is it!
Anywho... I need to get back to work. I just couldn't contain this any more. I wish I was less ethical and was willing to put his picture up without his permission. Hell I wish I could get him to take his shirt off. *woof*
Maybe I can get a pic of him before the night is out.
-Daemian
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sinus Update
Lol.. I love that. Can't you just see a newscaster saying that? "Tonight we have a Sinus Update on Fox 5 news at 10." Given it's Fox my Sinus Update is something they'd cover. Anyway... the Apple Cider Vinegar works... but like all natural rememdies the effects vary. So I didn't get the almost instantaneous relief others spoke of. But after about 2 hours my nasal passages started to drain creating what we all know as a runny nose. YAY! Thats the key to getting rid of a sinus infection. You think the mucus to get it to flow freely. Along with it goes the bacteria that are infecting the sinuses.
Now the infection won't be gone just from one treatment. Oh no... so I drank the crap all weekend long. Apple Cider Vinegar tastes like... like... ew. But I did it. As with most things that are natural rememdies, this one has a strange, not harmful (to me anyways)... side effect. My God does it make you art. I could have flown around the world twice on the amount of gas this stuff created. Gross, I know. Funny... sure. I am glad my stomach got used to it tho... couldn't imagine having that kind of gas at work. OMG.
But it would appear that I will kick this Nasal Infection swiftly.
-Daemian
Now the infection won't be gone just from one treatment. Oh no... so I drank the crap all weekend long. Apple Cider Vinegar tastes like... like... ew. But I did it. As with most things that are natural rememdies, this one has a strange, not harmful (to me anyways)... side effect. My God does it make you art. I could have flown around the world twice on the amount of gas this stuff created. Gross, I know. Funny... sure. I am glad my stomach got used to it tho... couldn't imagine having that kind of gas at work. OMG.
But it would appear that I will kick this Nasal Infection swiftly.
-Daemian
Friday, November 9, 2007
DAMMIT!!!
Dammit! Once again I have a sinus infection. About 3 weeks ago I had a SERIOUS allergic attack. Usually after an allergy attack that severe I expect a sinus infection to follow. Over the passing weeks I could feel it was coming, but nothing aside from a little congestion and pressure occured. Then it happened. They decided to dust all the bottles at work. *sneeze* *SNeeze* *SNEEZE*! Total blockage. I then woke up on Tuesday with a splitting sinus headache and could smell the infection in my nose. My tonsils were sore and all. I thought it was a cold.. but no I was not that lucky.
So I have started on my usual overdose of Vitamin C, a few pills of Goldenseal and some Zinc. Feeling better but not good enough. So I am going to try one more natural remedy (I don't like anit-biotics and given my allergies I am allergic to most of them). Apple Cider Vinegar. I will keep you posted. It is supposed to take care of it in 3 days. I refuse to have a sinus infection during my next trip to MA.
*sniffle* Later *sniffle*
So I have started on my usual overdose of Vitamin C, a few pills of Goldenseal and some Zinc. Feeling better but not good enough. So I am going to try one more natural remedy (I don't like anit-biotics and given my allergies I am allergic to most of them). Apple Cider Vinegar. I will keep you posted. It is supposed to take care of it in 3 days. I refuse to have a sinus infection during my next trip to MA.
*sniffle* Later *sniffle*
Thursday, November 8, 2007
A Thanksgiving Update
Well... here be an update. I got the time off of work, I am buying my bus ticket tomorrow, I have the cash set aside to take mum and sis to dinner and now an oddity. My work schedule is finally changing. I am going on to 11am to 7pm. Apparently I am better at doing the shit the sales reps should be doing and last proved myself a valuable asset to have there later in the day.
This is both good and bad. It's good in the sense of I can now go to the Gym in the morning, I can run errands and things like... wow I am able to get my haircut regularly. No more looking homeless before I can manage to catch the Barbershop open!
The bad... well I was hoping to catch a much earlier bus this time to get into Worcester a bit easier and faster. But if I am only going in for a few hours the best I can manage is once again... the 2:45pm bus. Maybe this time the damn thing won't break down. I do look forward to seeing what could actually manage, if I don't freak em all out, to turn into an effective homo support system. All the gays on TV have them. The circle of people they know that can pretty much get anything done between them. One friends an airline worker.. cheap tickets! One is a caterer... wedding food... done! That kind of thing. Mike knows what it is like to have that. I don't, I never had the opportunity. Too busy working and keeping us from poverty. But this looks promising.
So this is actually new territory for me. I think I am going to have a hard time convincing them I am not on the DL though. I think even in my own queeny way I am a tad straight acting in the bad sense. Never thought of it really... like my previous post on tearing my apartment to shreds to rebuild it... it's time to gay up and grow up.
Most of all tho, I find I am really liking Jae more than I expected to. I mean we have been speaking for a while and built a verbal friendship. You know what I mean. We expect to make an ass of ourselves or that the person we have come to know in a game is not who they really are.. etc etc. It does sorta make me a bit sad to know he will be leaving the east at some point. A good friend indeed. But instead of making it a negative thing I am going to spend as much time as I can with him and this circle. Some reason I think I fit in. Imagine that. Me... fit in.
This is gonna be a very different Thanksgiving for me. Once again... too many words to say relatively little.
This is both good and bad. It's good in the sense of I can now go to the Gym in the morning, I can run errands and things like... wow I am able to get my haircut regularly. No more looking homeless before I can manage to catch the Barbershop open!
The bad... well I was hoping to catch a much earlier bus this time to get into Worcester a bit easier and faster. But if I am only going in for a few hours the best I can manage is once again... the 2:45pm bus. Maybe this time the damn thing won't break down. I do look forward to seeing what could actually manage, if I don't freak em all out, to turn into an effective homo support system. All the gays on TV have them. The circle of people they know that can pretty much get anything done between them. One friends an airline worker.. cheap tickets! One is a caterer... wedding food... done! That kind of thing. Mike knows what it is like to have that. I don't, I never had the opportunity. Too busy working and keeping us from poverty. But this looks promising.
So this is actually new territory for me. I think I am going to have a hard time convincing them I am not on the DL though. I think even in my own queeny way I am a tad straight acting in the bad sense. Never thought of it really... like my previous post on tearing my apartment to shreds to rebuild it... it's time to gay up and grow up.
Most of all tho, I find I am really liking Jae more than I expected to. I mean we have been speaking for a while and built a verbal friendship. You know what I mean. We expect to make an ass of ourselves or that the person we have come to know in a game is not who they really are.. etc etc. It does sorta make me a bit sad to know he will be leaving the east at some point. A good friend indeed. But instead of making it a negative thing I am going to spend as much time as I can with him and this circle. Some reason I think I fit in. Imagine that. Me... fit in.
This is gonna be a very different Thanksgiving for me. Once again... too many words to say relatively little.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Thanksgiving is coming!!!
Wow... time flies so fast. The older you get the faster it flies. Thanksgiving is once again looking right at us. This year is different tho. Mike's aunt is not well, she has ALS, and they feel this may be her last holiday. As such Mike is going upstate to be with her. As for me... well... I have been upstate and have NO desire to go back. As for my own family, well I am taking my mother and sister and Mike out to dinner next week, my own family drama involves cousins and I am soooo not looking forward to it. So I will be avoiding a bad situation as I am not sure I could hold my tongue and keep things civil. But I was invited up to MA for Thanksgiving.
So, I am hoping my manager will let me leave early on Wednesday so I can get up there and give me off on Friday. The day after Thanksgiving is dead... Thanksgiving day (yes we are open Thanksgiving day) is full of last minute buyers but nothing insane. The day before Thanksgiving can be quite crazy tho. I have already done the hard part of telling my mother we'd be coming down the week before for dinner on me.
Now to just confirm with Jae the Thanksgiving events. God I talk to damn much to say relatively little. Til next time!
-Daemian
So, I am hoping my manager will let me leave early on Wednesday so I can get up there and give me off on Friday. The day after Thanksgiving is dead... Thanksgiving day (yes we are open Thanksgiving day) is full of last minute buyers but nothing insane. The day before Thanksgiving can be quite crazy tho. I have already done the hard part of telling my mother we'd be coming down the week before for dinner on me.
Now to just confirm with Jae the Thanksgiving events. God I talk to damn much to say relatively little. Til next time!
-Daemian
Monday, November 5, 2007
Double Feature! Somtimes... take 3 & Food for Thought
Sometimes... take 3
Well, they say that the third time is a charm... and this time it was. I didn't get topped, but I did get taken. And how... wow... I didn't think my lil Keebler Husband could do it. But he did. He took charge and made me his top biotch and I loved every minute. It went from the floor to the bathroom and into the shower last night. I am shocked I can still walk.. hell I am shocked I was able to wake up on time and get to work. Sometimes the third time really is a charm!
Food for Thought
So for the past 6 months to a year Mike and I have been contemplating leaving NYC. I love this city, I really do... but after 11 years of living to work I'd say I have had enough. I will admit this, I have been looking for other places and states to live. This brings up a bit of bad mojo though. I am just starting my web business. I don't know if it will be a good idea to move the company in it's first few months in operation. That being said I dunno how to plan this. I am not a risk taker, just not in my makeup. But I can see that something a bit more calm is out there for us both.
This also ties into my fabulous weekend. While I was in MA I made many attempts to scope out the area. The houses are fantastic, condos in the 100 - 200k price range. The only thing I'd be object to are the Mass-holes. I mean I have to fix my license, get a car and then get my man a license. He is 41yo and never drove before, I'd fear for him everytime he left the house.
I don't know what the plan is but I do know I grow more and more anxious by the day. I am a tech and I make chump change in comparison to the cost of living. Mike is working which is a godsend but how long can we play this game? I am tired of making bundles for others and seeing little of it myself. So maybe I will find the city I wish to move to, rent a room, move with just my clothes and computer and build upon the web business. Have Mike stay in NYC to retain NYC residence for the company until I get the proper papers to setup shop in whatever state I decide to move to, get an apartment or a house and then have Mike come from NYC to our new residence. I don't know how he would take it though. I mean, leaving him in NYC for 1 maybe 2 months... that might be asking a bit much from him. Essentially it would be have him shack up with our friend Walter and continue to work while continuing to make deposits and get the company mail. After about 1 or 2 months when he has a huge amount saved have him come to whatever state we are moving to with a nice surplus of cash to sit on.
I don't know. It's too risky. What's life without a little risk tho? I never take a risk... maybe this time I should. What do you guys think? I mean MA was nice... lower cost of living than in Vermont (yes I was thinking of moving to Vermont)... I do have a friend in MA that I feel I could have as part of a support system. (Keep me from going absolutely insane). I am sure he'd probably scream if I told him I was moving to MA. I dunno what to do... I am so bad at risks, but I can see that a change is needed... badly. Then again my friend in MA is rumored to be moving out of MA... maybe I can get the web business jumping and hire him to get him to stay in MA.
What do you guys think?
Well, they say that the third time is a charm... and this time it was. I didn't get topped, but I did get taken. And how... wow... I didn't think my lil Keebler Husband could do it. But he did. He took charge and made me his top biotch and I loved every minute. It went from the floor to the bathroom and into the shower last night. I am shocked I can still walk.. hell I am shocked I was able to wake up on time and get to work. Sometimes the third time really is a charm!
Food for Thought
So for the past 6 months to a year Mike and I have been contemplating leaving NYC. I love this city, I really do... but after 11 years of living to work I'd say I have had enough. I will admit this, I have been looking for other places and states to live. This brings up a bit of bad mojo though. I am just starting my web business. I don't know if it will be a good idea to move the company in it's first few months in operation. That being said I dunno how to plan this. I am not a risk taker, just not in my makeup. But I can see that something a bit more calm is out there for us both.
This also ties into my fabulous weekend. While I was in MA I made many attempts to scope out the area. The houses are fantastic, condos in the 100 - 200k price range. The only thing I'd be object to are the Mass-holes. I mean I have to fix my license, get a car and then get my man a license. He is 41yo and never drove before, I'd fear for him everytime he left the house.
I don't know what the plan is but I do know I grow more and more anxious by the day. I am a tech and I make chump change in comparison to the cost of living. Mike is working which is a godsend but how long can we play this game? I am tired of making bundles for others and seeing little of it myself. So maybe I will find the city I wish to move to, rent a room, move with just my clothes and computer and build upon the web business. Have Mike stay in NYC to retain NYC residence for the company until I get the proper papers to setup shop in whatever state I decide to move to, get an apartment or a house and then have Mike come from NYC to our new residence. I don't know how he would take it though. I mean, leaving him in NYC for 1 maybe 2 months... that might be asking a bit much from him. Essentially it would be have him shack up with our friend Walter and continue to work while continuing to make deposits and get the company mail. After about 1 or 2 months when he has a huge amount saved have him come to whatever state we are moving to with a nice surplus of cash to sit on.
I don't know. It's too risky. What's life without a little risk tho? I never take a risk... maybe this time I should. What do you guys think? I mean MA was nice... lower cost of living than in Vermont (yes I was thinking of moving to Vermont)... I do have a friend in MA that I feel I could have as part of a support system. (Keep me from going absolutely insane). I am sure he'd probably scream if I told him I was moving to MA. I dunno what to do... I am so bad at risks, but I can see that a change is needed... badly. Then again my friend in MA is rumored to be moving out of MA... maybe I can get the web business jumping and hire him to get him to stay in MA.
What do you guys think?
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Sometimes... take 2!
So I decided I was gonna try to be an aggressive bottom this morning. The husband was once again as hard as a rock and I figured screw it... no screw me. LOL. So I dropped the undies a bit let him knock on my door.... and he turns over ass all on... my ass. WTF!?! Been power top for ever.. just want to try something different and I get nada. Later he is gonna want to get tied up. Maybe I will just forget how to make a good knot.
Remember... it can't always be about just one of you... both need to be taken care of.
Now I feel like being vindictive; which is always a bad thing.
Remember... it can't always be about just one of you... both need to be taken care of.
Now I feel like being vindictive; which is always a bad thing.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Sometimes... just sometimes
I am a Submissive Top by nature. My man wants an Aggressive Top and don't get it twisted bitches... I can be big and intimidating... just what he likes. But sometimes... just sometimes... I want to be myself and be taken. Hell maybe even once a year get topped. But alas it seems to not be in the cards for me. Sometimes... just sometimes... I ask myself, why did I get married.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Happy Birthday!!!
Today is my husbands birthday. 41 years ago on this day he was born... and you know I never let him forget it. This is what I got him for his Birthday. I got so tired of hearing him complain about his crappy monitor that, for the sake of my own sanity and to look like "Super Husband", I got him a 19" Wide Screen LCD Monitor. Oh btw... after missing the opportunity to take pictures of the hotties at last weekends Friday Party (the ones my phone took sucked) I finally broke down and bought a digital camera. That's how I got the picture of my husband looking goofily happy about his gift.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
A Fabulous Weekend
This is pretty much everything that happened on my recent weekend in Worcester, MA. I stayed with Jaeryd and .... well... watch the damn vBlog! To Jaeryd, Thank you. You were a fantastic host and chaperone. I didn't talk about a few things because I don't feel it was my place to. But do tell Matty that if I ever see the fucker who did that to him it won't end happily. Tell Carl... hrmmmm... what to tell Carl. Well tell him I said *Dr. Claw's Voice* Next time gadget... next time. The karate kid and Caesar should come over for a game of poker or twister the next time I come up. Thank everybody for making me feel welcome... and hot. :P
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Aaarrrggggg!
Ok... so I did most of the Video Blog yesterday. I answered 10 questions which took about 20 minutes.. I dunno.. I may just cut some of them out to save time and as I was getting into my FABULOUS weekend my man came home and I only got about 5 minutes on the fabulous weekend. So... I left the questions compressing this morning and will re-tape the FABULOUS weekend monologue.
I do sorta like doing these vBlogs. I just have to find either a better place to serve the video or a smaller format or just not talk so damn much.
So the videos will be up later.. well at least one if not both. I can see though that I need to try and time myself to 10 minutes. That way I can exploit YouTube!
I do sorta like doing these vBlogs. I just have to find either a better place to serve the video or a smaller format or just not talk so damn much.
So the videos will be up later.. well at least one if not both. I can see though that I need to try and time myself to 10 minutes. That way I can exploit YouTube!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Business, Friends and Shameless Self Promotion
Business is an interestingly strange entity. I am currently seeking emancipation from the 21st century's version of slavery... employment. I understand that not everyone can work for themselves and be able to live on it, but dammit I will succeed or die trying. I just don't have the personality type to take orders from someone who I am making a fortune for and only seeing a VERY small fraction of. So I have been working on doing for myself what I am currently doing for my employer.
As a tech for the company I work for part of my responsibility lies with the website. We sell all of our goods on it as well as in the store itself. I just did a complete overhall and redesign of the site that took all summer to get done and launched on the 20th of September. Since then I have had to rebuild the visiblity of the site via search engines etc. I have learned a lot about e-marketing, internet sales and customer service in this time. I held up my end of the bargain and increased sales on the web by 25% (Actually I increased it by 27.6% but who's counting). Why not do this for myself?
So I got my Federal Tax ID, awaiting my State Resale Tax Certificate, the bank account is live and active and the vendors are in place. Now just to finish the design of the site and it will be ready to go before the Christmas shopping season. I will be selling all kinds of electronic goodies.
Funny how this can affect current business friendships tho. I have been 10 times happier at work. Mostly because yes I know I am on my way to freedom, but also because the feeling of working here as a tech because I WANT to rather than because I HAVE to. This changes a dynamic profoundly. The little shit that used to bother me rolls right off my back. My friendships within the store are also changing. I had attempted self employment before and it didn't go so well due to lack of prep. My employer knows this and knows that I am looking towards being self reliant again. So I am not hiding what I am doing. This is changing the way I am treated by those I made a friendship with. Some have shown their true colors and are now kissing my ass more thinking I will hit it big and employ them. Some have withdrawn from me, they feel I am going to abandon them. The true friends are happy for me and wish me luck and have no changed their behavior towards me. Go fig, friends and business don't mix tho. So we will see where it goes, can't count my chickens before they hatch. I do plan on leaving NYC for a more suburban life within the next year or two, but even then I think I will continue to give the store tech support via the telephone and internet. Now I am here because I want to be.
This can be dangerous tho, in the sense of "the higher ups have lost control" over me. This can make them desparate and anticipatory of my leaving them during the most important time of the year for them. I would not do such a thing as my bond with the owner is deeper than that. But fear can make people irrational.
Shameless self promotion is next. The store is called Leviathan Electronics and the web address is www.leviathanelectronics.com. Expect the store to be fully operational within the next 3 weeks if all of the red tape gets cut down easily. So if you guys are looking for that gadget to get someone I will have a great store for you to do that with.
The video blog about my FABULOUS weekend will be created later today. I think I will try to rush my workout to get home before Mike so I can tape the damn thing, I don't know why I am so self concious about doing the video blog with him around.
Till' next time sweeties.. ciao!
- Daemian
As a tech for the company I work for part of my responsibility lies with the website. We sell all of our goods on it as well as in the store itself. I just did a complete overhall and redesign of the site that took all summer to get done and launched on the 20th of September. Since then I have had to rebuild the visiblity of the site via search engines etc. I have learned a lot about e-marketing, internet sales and customer service in this time. I held up my end of the bargain and increased sales on the web by 25% (Actually I increased it by 27.6% but who's counting). Why not do this for myself?
So I got my Federal Tax ID, awaiting my State Resale Tax Certificate, the bank account is live and active and the vendors are in place. Now just to finish the design of the site and it will be ready to go before the Christmas shopping season. I will be selling all kinds of electronic goodies.
Funny how this can affect current business friendships tho. I have been 10 times happier at work. Mostly because yes I know I am on my way to freedom, but also because the feeling of working here as a tech because I WANT to rather than because I HAVE to. This changes a dynamic profoundly. The little shit that used to bother me rolls right off my back. My friendships within the store are also changing. I had attempted self employment before and it didn't go so well due to lack of prep. My employer knows this and knows that I am looking towards being self reliant again. So I am not hiding what I am doing. This is changing the way I am treated by those I made a friendship with. Some have shown their true colors and are now kissing my ass more thinking I will hit it big and employ them. Some have withdrawn from me, they feel I am going to abandon them. The true friends are happy for me and wish me luck and have no changed their behavior towards me. Go fig, friends and business don't mix tho. So we will see where it goes, can't count my chickens before they hatch. I do plan on leaving NYC for a more suburban life within the next year or two, but even then I think I will continue to give the store tech support via the telephone and internet. Now I am here because I want to be.
This can be dangerous tho, in the sense of "the higher ups have lost control" over me. This can make them desparate and anticipatory of my leaving them during the most important time of the year for them. I would not do such a thing as my bond with the owner is deeper than that. But fear can make people irrational.
Shameless self promotion is next. The store is called Leviathan Electronics and the web address is www.leviathanelectronics.com. Expect the store to be fully operational within the next 3 weeks if all of the red tape gets cut down easily. So if you guys are looking for that gadget to get someone I will have a great store for you to do that with.
The video blog about my FABULOUS weekend will be created later today. I think I will try to rush my workout to get home before Mike so I can tape the damn thing, I don't know why I am so self concious about doing the video blog with him around.
Till' next time sweeties.. ciao!
- Daemian
Monday, October 29, 2007
Stuff N' Fun!
Ok, I am gathering my thoughts for another video blog. I just had a great weekend in Mass., so I figured I'd touch on that a lot. Maybe answer a few more questions. I got some decent ones, so I will try that. Lets see how it goes and stay tuned for the next video blog. Next time I can get Mike out of the house so I can tape it. Coming to a desktop near you!
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Video Blog
Now please understand, my computer is incredibly loud. Poor Franken Mac is 7 years old. But I will do something about it for the next video. I answer both questions but it ran a little long. So I cut it into 2 pieces. Question 1, Question 2 w/misc. Enjoy... I hope to get more good questions. The video blog thing was sorta fun. If I seemed a little stoned... it's because I was. :P
This one is quicktime video from my server... apparently longer than 10 minutes is too big for Youtube.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
To Finish What You Start ... continued
In the basic theme of "finishing what I start", hard habit to build at damn near 30, anywho... I have finally finished my blog. I added all the links to the things I mention on the right side there. Movie, books.... a surprise here and there. Enjoy... and Go me! One more step in finishing what I start.
BTW, I will do the video blog... I just need better questions asked.... let's be real I aint posting a video thats an hour long to answer questions like what's my favorite color. Here's a hint on that one... it is the absence of color. ;) Hrmmm... maybe I'll do a series of video blogs... each one answering the different questions. That way I can at least answer them. Not like I have a ton of questions. I can just be a tad... long winded. Answering 3 questions could take me 10 minutes of video time and bandwidth. So c'mon... send in the juicey questions. The ones you want answered first. :P
BTW, I will do the video blog... I just need better questions asked.... let's be real I aint posting a video thats an hour long to answer questions like what's my favorite color. Here's a hint on that one... it is the absence of color. ;) Hrmmm... maybe I'll do a series of video blogs... each one answering the different questions. That way I can at least answer them. Not like I have a ton of questions. I can just be a tad... long winded. Answering 3 questions could take me 10 minutes of video time and bandwidth. So c'mon... send in the juicey questions. The ones you want answered first. :P
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
To Get In Shape...
takes some serious hard frikkin work. Well as some of my readers know, the ones who know IRL, I have been going through a mid life crisis a tad early. A lot of "what's my purpose?", "what should I be doing with my life?", "why am I not where I expected to be at this time?", "wasn't I 17 just yesterday?". That type of thing. I jumped head first into my old learnings on Buddhism and went on a serious search. I found a lot of problems with myself when I took a serious honest look at myself. I have since been steady changing these things and understanding the ultimate truth in things. Yadda yadda yadda...
Zoom forward just a little bit... and we come to February of 2007. I had decided it was time for me to finally look the way I WANT to look. I don't like twink, I do like that offseason builder or Rugby player look. So I joined NYSC. Since that time I have lost quite a bit of weight... go me. But I am no where near where I want to be. So after about 3 weeks off, it's a weak story as to why, I jumped back in full force today... and it hurts. Hurts in a good way tho. Yesterday I did 10 miles on the cycles and today a full set for my upper body.
Something I wish to share with all of you guys tho, Body For Life by Bill Philips. This is an amazing program. Mike and I had gotten the book a few years... ok more like 7 years ago and it is still relevant today. Even better their challenge is still active as well. It doesnt call for crazy diets or insane workout routines. It's all about dropping the fat and replacing it with muscle. Given that I have been loosing weight I am starting to not like the sag I got going. So this seems right. I have been just going to the gym before but now I have a clear plan and path to get to where I want to be. Perhaps I will take a clothed pictured, full body, to show you guys where I am now and then take progress photos.
Something I am considering is posting my workout and eating journal as well. I would encourage anyone who is not happy with how they look to take control and go change it. If you have any interest in it send me an email or leave a comment. I would encourage my readers to participate. It's not about getting big unless you want it to be. It is all about getting in the best shape for you. You can affect your world and reality. Change what you can. The ability to do this is unique to us as human animals with free will.
This is my ultimate truth. Life won't change you, you change you. The things you don't like change. It works in every area of your life. If you don't like your job... change it... do what it takes to do the job you want. Don't like your body? Change it... do what it takes to change it. All things in their time, this is for sure... for me... 7 years ago was not my time. Now is my time... it can be yours too.
Zoom forward just a little bit... and we come to February of 2007. I had decided it was time for me to finally look the way I WANT to look. I don't like twink, I do like that offseason builder or Rugby player look. So I joined NYSC. Since that time I have lost quite a bit of weight... go me. But I am no where near where I want to be. So after about 3 weeks off, it's a weak story as to why, I jumped back in full force today... and it hurts. Hurts in a good way tho. Yesterday I did 10 miles on the cycles and today a full set for my upper body.
Something I wish to share with all of you guys tho, Body For Life by Bill Philips. This is an amazing program. Mike and I had gotten the book a few years... ok more like 7 years ago and it is still relevant today. Even better their challenge is still active as well. It doesnt call for crazy diets or insane workout routines. It's all about dropping the fat and replacing it with muscle. Given that I have been loosing weight I am starting to not like the sag I got going. So this seems right. I have been just going to the gym before but now I have a clear plan and path to get to where I want to be. Perhaps I will take a clothed pictured, full body, to show you guys where I am now and then take progress photos.
Something I am considering is posting my workout and eating journal as well. I would encourage anyone who is not happy with how they look to take control and go change it. If you have any interest in it send me an email or leave a comment. I would encourage my readers to participate. It's not about getting big unless you want it to be. It is all about getting in the best shape for you. You can affect your world and reality. Change what you can. The ability to do this is unique to us as human animals with free will.
This is my ultimate truth. Life won't change you, you change you. The things you don't like change. It works in every area of your life. If you don't like your job... change it... do what it takes to do the job you want. Don't like your body? Change it... do what it takes to change it. All things in their time, this is for sure... for me... 7 years ago was not my time. Now is my time... it can be yours too.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Working on a Saturday
Yes... I... Mr. "I Don't Work Weekends!" am at work on a fucking Saturday. I had to come in this morning to upgrade the OS on the counter computers. Tons of weirdness with the Sales program but I got it all ironed out. Now of course I have to sit here and wait for an update from my bosses iPhone. Egad. Well, on the bright side I get to fuck with some of the people that aren't used to seeing me here. One of our stoner workers believed me for about 15 minutes when I told him today was Monday. So there is some fun to be had.
Well... I am sure I will have something better to post once I get home.
Well... I am sure I will have something better to post once I get home.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Artwork... and finishing what I started!
During the massive cleanup and rearranging I found one of my sketchbooks. It's 3 years old and as I was looking through it I realized I found me next "finish what I started" project. If you read back you'll know that I have a problem finishing what I start. I get very far and then give up. It's a trait I am trying to successfully change. So for my next step... my art work. These are the sketches I was able to save. My scanner needs to be replaced... see that ugly yellow piss line down the middle of the artwork. The scanner put it there. But once I am done you won't know. So I will do a repost as I finish each picture. I'll show you the finished line art, the base colors and the highlights/shadows. Finish what you start.
click the images to see a larger version.
click the images to see a larger version.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Shenanigans
Ok.. so I have thing for online quizzes. Shoot me. This one was interesting and I cannot believe the card I am. But if you read the description... yeah that's me.
Which Tarot Card Are You? |
 You are the Devil card. The Devil is based on the figure Pan, Lord of the Dance. The earthy physicality of the devil breeds lust. The devil's call to return to primal instincts often creates conflict in a society in which many of these instincts must be kept under control. Challenges posed by our physical bodies can be overcome by strength in the mental, emotional, and spiritual realms. Pan is also a symbol of enjoyment and rules our material creativity. The devil knows physical pleasure and how to manipulate the physical world. Material creativity finds its output in such things as dance, pottery, gardening, and sex. The self-actualized person is able to accept the sensuality and usefulness of the devil's gifts while remaining in control of any darker urges. Image from The Stone Tarot deck. http://hometown.aol.com/newtarotdeck/ Take this quiz!  Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code |
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Video Blogging
OK, so I found all the pieces to hook my digital video camera (I used to work in the world of multimedia, so I have some video skillz. Not that the video blogs will be special in any way. Just know I have the equipment.) and am thinking about at least 1 time a month posting a video blog.
I was struggling with what to do for the first video blog. Do I talk about politics, gay married life, my husband, my apartment, life in NYC, gay rights? Then it came to me... Q&A! You guys can either email me, IM me or comment here on the blog and I will respond to all of them (even the racist or anti-gay ones) in person. May not be live, but thats the breaks.
So send me your questions. I will gladly answer them in the video blog.
I was struggling with what to do for the first video blog. Do I talk about politics, gay married life, my husband, my apartment, life in NYC, gay rights? Then it came to me... Q&A! You guys can either email me, IM me or comment here on the blog and I will respond to all of them (even the racist or anti-gay ones) in person. May not be live, but thats the breaks.
So send me your questions. I will gladly answer them in the video blog.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Wedding Slideshow
As promised here is a slideshow of the wedding I attended earlier this month. It was far from your typical wedding. Mike's cousin is the Groom. I don't know these people. LOL.. Except Mikes uncles.
Believe it or not this is the only photo me and mike have together. Yep, 10 years and few photos. We had one of us at a NYC Gay Pride parade... it was a good one of us kissing at a restaurant. But I couldn't find it if my soul depended on it.
One of these... interesting appearing guys is Mike's father.
Anywho, here's the slideshow.
Believe it or not this is the only photo me and mike have together. Yep, 10 years and few photos. We had one of us at a NYC Gay Pride parade... it was a good one of us kissing at a restaurant. But I couldn't find it if my soul depended on it.
One of these... interesting appearing guys is Mike's father.
Anywho, here's the slideshow.
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