I made a mistake. Now I have to live with it. Nuff said. I am such a fucking pussy. Perhaps blogging about my life is a bad thing because now the world knows I am a pussy.
What do I do now? It's a question only I can answer I guess. I think I am taking a hiatus for a while. No indecisiveness about that.
Til whenever...
-D
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Indecisive...
Ok... so I am sitting here and contemplating my extremes. Not sure which way to go. See when I make a decision I am very stubborn about it. I make the decision and thats that. Given I see that I am stubborn about it and will not turn back once the decision is made I try to curb it. But in curbing it I become very indecisive. Weighing every pro and con, every possible outcome to the finest point until I can take it no more and say... screw it I'll just have a burger for dinner.
Same goes with my labido. I on one hand am so damn horny (damn latino blood) that I get stir crazy. Just jerking off doesn't cut it. I did it for 10yrs, 30 days out of ever 31 days. So why am I so frightened to just go out and have as much casual sex as my labido can handle? Yes there is disease and there are loonies out there... but Christ what am I to do?
So on one hand a big part of me wants to just not fuck anyone. Let it go until I find someone who can at least wait til the 2nd or 3rd date before I hand over my goodies. But at the same time a big part of me wants to just paint the town white. I mean where I come from sex on the first date is a must. The way the sex goes determines if there will be a second date. So now I am going to flip flop on the whole fucking issue. To screw or not to screw.
Pros:
Cons:
So those are the pros and the cons. I still can't decide. I know I can easily go out tonight and pick up a Mr. Thursday #2... very easily. But is that really in my best interest? My labido says yes... my brain, while it still has some blood in it, says no. How does one go about killing their indecisive nature and just make the decision... good or bad?
I can't decide what to do. I do know that I am a man of extremes. Very seldom do I make a move to the middle... it is either left.... or right.
- Daemian
Same goes with my labido. I on one hand am so damn horny (damn latino blood) that I get stir crazy. Just jerking off doesn't cut it. I did it for 10yrs, 30 days out of ever 31 days. So why am I so frightened to just go out and have as much casual sex as my labido can handle? Yes there is disease and there are loonies out there... but Christ what am I to do?
So on one hand a big part of me wants to just not fuck anyone. Let it go until I find someone who can at least wait til the 2nd or 3rd date before I hand over my goodies. But at the same time a big part of me wants to just paint the town white. I mean where I come from sex on the first date is a must. The way the sex goes determines if there will be a second date. So now I am going to flip flop on the whole fucking issue. To screw or not to screw.
Pros:
- I will put myself out there. The only way to meet someone is to put yourself out there.
- I will satisfy my labido making me appear and feel less desperate.
- I will get to have massive amount of good to great sex. (I don't have bad sex)
- I will gain a reputation for being a good lover.
- I will feel sexier or more studly. (Always good for the ego)
- I will have some fun.
- I will meet new people and possibly make a friend or two.
Cons:
- I will be exposing mysel to all sorts of nasty little bugs. Condoms are not 100%.
- I will most likely either feel unfulfilled or fall for someone who has no intention of actually dating.
- I will gain a reputation as a whore.
- I will meet some lunatics who fall for me after just one night.
- I will possibly end up rebuilding my ego based on sex and then end up with another Mike.
- I will have to wash my sheets all the fucking time until I get more than one set.
- I am unsure as to how fucking an entire town can help you make friends.
So those are the pros and the cons. I still can't decide. I know I can easily go out tonight and pick up a Mr. Thursday #2... very easily. But is that really in my best interest? My labido says yes... my brain, while it still has some blood in it, says no. How does one go about killing their indecisive nature and just make the decision... good or bad?
I can't decide what to do. I do know that I am a man of extremes. Very seldom do I make a move to the middle... it is either left.... or right.
- Daemian
Sometimes Life Can Be A Real Bitch...
On the phone talking to my sister. We are talking about my cousins daughter. Sometimes life can be a real bitch. This is partly my cousins fault and mostly her mothers fault. This girls mother was apparently on some kind of drugs and the sister had custody over her. The sister would have all sorts of guys over and it is obvious those guys did things to her. I mean she was just a baby. Now she has some serious issues. Her father, uncle and own brothers are uncomfortable around her. She is a bit too sexual for a kid that is 6yo. She has been suspended from school for "innappropriate touching and language". She is doing what was done to her. Kids mimick what they see and experience.
She is in therapy at the age of 6yo. 6! That is fucking ridiculous. My aunt, her grandmother, had to essentially rescue her from how she was living. Therapy once a week and this girl needs it daily. My aunt can't afford that. This girl needs help.
To make it worse my aunts kids are essentially sucking the life out of her. Of 3 children she has 2 of them living with her. No job of ANY kind. One has his unemployed girlfriend living there. Along with all the grandkids. My aunt is on social security. Do you think she can afford all of this. She has had at least 6 strokes in the past 11 years. These kids are burdening her. The sad thing is that my aunts were not brought up this way.
My cousins were always pissed at us because we were well off. Well here it is.. we are all adults and they are home living off their mother. Not even helping. I don't get it. I was out of my mommas house at 17. My cousin Eddie is one year younger than me, same day birthday, and is a complete drain. Always wanting but not doing anything to get. To the point where this past Christmas my mother had to give my aunt money to get stuff for the kids. Why? Because my aunt didn't even have money for food. All the food she bought for the holidays those fucking idiots ate. Contributing nothing to replace it. Fucking ridiculous.
I mean she did it to herself to a degree.... but she does not deserve this. Life can be a real bitch. I am sitting here pissed the fuck off. All I want to do is hop a bus down there, beat the shit out of everyone in that house except her... kick em out... tell em if they come back they'll get more. Tell them to grow the fuck up and be men. It pisses me off. They are killing their mother slowly. Not even with mercy and doing it quick.. no... they are doing it slowly. One day she will be gone and they will be lost.
Now I can sit here and in my anger say I would not give a damn that they were lost. Because they asked for it. But I am not that person to actually feel that way. I will be there to help but not enable. They won't get anything out of me but sound advice and maybe a contact to get them started. Otherwise... they will have to grow up on their own and even worse... they will have to do it without their mother. She has, currently, no reason to be proud of her children. They have done nothing to be prideful of. You know.. I may be struggling right now... but we all struggle at some point in life. I did not run back home. Instead I am gonna tuff it out and be a fucking man. I have done it before. I know how to go from rags to riches. Some say, "Well you are from a well of family, just ask them for money.", to which I have to say... My mother and sister are well off. I myself am not. I have to make my own way. For that reason alone my mother has a reason to be proud. She has a son who has made it through some hard times, who had every reason to be headed to jail or worse. She also has a son who grew the fuck up and became a man, quickly.
Sometimes life can be a real bitch and it is usually a bitch to those who don't deserve it. Aunt Verna... you do not deserve what your children are doing to you. You deserve better than this and if no one else has said that to you... I am saying it to you.
-Daemian
P.S. Don't let me get word of anything else. Because if I do... Newark is going to shake, thats just how much damage I am going to do to those boys.
She is in therapy at the age of 6yo. 6! That is fucking ridiculous. My aunt, her grandmother, had to essentially rescue her from how she was living. Therapy once a week and this girl needs it daily. My aunt can't afford that. This girl needs help.
To make it worse my aunts kids are essentially sucking the life out of her. Of 3 children she has 2 of them living with her. No job of ANY kind. One has his unemployed girlfriend living there. Along with all the grandkids. My aunt is on social security. Do you think she can afford all of this. She has had at least 6 strokes in the past 11 years. These kids are burdening her. The sad thing is that my aunts were not brought up this way.
My cousins were always pissed at us because we were well off. Well here it is.. we are all adults and they are home living off their mother. Not even helping. I don't get it. I was out of my mommas house at 17. My cousin Eddie is one year younger than me, same day birthday, and is a complete drain. Always wanting but not doing anything to get. To the point where this past Christmas my mother had to give my aunt money to get stuff for the kids. Why? Because my aunt didn't even have money for food. All the food she bought for the holidays those fucking idiots ate. Contributing nothing to replace it. Fucking ridiculous.
I mean she did it to herself to a degree.... but she does not deserve this. Life can be a real bitch. I am sitting here pissed the fuck off. All I want to do is hop a bus down there, beat the shit out of everyone in that house except her... kick em out... tell em if they come back they'll get more. Tell them to grow the fuck up and be men. It pisses me off. They are killing their mother slowly. Not even with mercy and doing it quick.. no... they are doing it slowly. One day she will be gone and they will be lost.
Now I can sit here and in my anger say I would not give a damn that they were lost. Because they asked for it. But I am not that person to actually feel that way. I will be there to help but not enable. They won't get anything out of me but sound advice and maybe a contact to get them started. Otherwise... they will have to grow up on their own and even worse... they will have to do it without their mother. She has, currently, no reason to be proud of her children. They have done nothing to be prideful of. You know.. I may be struggling right now... but we all struggle at some point in life. I did not run back home. Instead I am gonna tuff it out and be a fucking man. I have done it before. I know how to go from rags to riches. Some say, "Well you are from a well of family, just ask them for money.", to which I have to say... My mother and sister are well off. I myself am not. I have to make my own way. For that reason alone my mother has a reason to be proud. She has a son who has made it through some hard times, who had every reason to be headed to jail or worse. She also has a son who grew the fuck up and became a man, quickly.
Sometimes life can be a real bitch and it is usually a bitch to those who don't deserve it. Aunt Verna... you do not deserve what your children are doing to you. You deserve better than this and if no one else has said that to you... I am saying it to you.
-Daemian
P.S. Don't let me get word of anything else. Because if I do... Newark is going to shake, thats just how much damage I am going to do to those boys.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The Little Things
Sometimes something as small as a movie can at least make you forget. Something as small as a movie can help you remember. I have played a lot of heavies in my days of acting. I have always wanted to play one heavy in particular. Jareth.
"How you've turned my world you precious thing. You starve and near exhaust me. Everything I've done, I've done for you. I move the stars for no one. You've run so long you've run so far. Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel. Tho I do believe in you. Yes I do. Life without the sunlight, love without a heartbeat. I... can't live within you."
or better
"I have been generous up til now. I gave you everything you wanted. Everything! You asked that the baby be taken and I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down and I have done it all for you! It's exhausting living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?"
ooh ooh ooh even better
"Stop. Wait. Look Sarah. Look what I'm offering you... your dreams. I ask for so little, just let me rule you and you can have everything you want. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."
All from the same sequence and for once it's something in a heavy I can relate to. Eerie.
But I am feeling better. These things come in waves, I just have to re-center myself.
It's only forever. Which is not long at all.
-Daemian
"How you've turned my world you precious thing. You starve and near exhaust me. Everything I've done, I've done for you. I move the stars for no one. You've run so long you've run so far. Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel. Tho I do believe in you. Yes I do. Life without the sunlight, love without a heartbeat. I... can't live within you."
or better
"I have been generous up til now. I gave you everything you wanted. Everything! You asked that the baby be taken and I took him. You cowered before me, I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down and I have done it all for you! It's exhausting living up to your expectations of me. Isn't that generous?"
ooh ooh ooh even better
"Stop. Wait. Look Sarah. Look what I'm offering you... your dreams. I ask for so little, just let me rule you and you can have everything you want. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave."
All from the same sequence and for once it's something in a heavy I can relate to. Eerie.
But I am feeling better. These things come in waves, I just have to re-center myself.
It's only forever. Which is not long at all.
-Daemian
Meds...
I have not taken an anti-depressent in roughly 7 years. I learned how to control things. My mind, my emotions etc... recognition is 75% of the battle. Once you learn to recognize the signs and the behavior one can take steps to curb it.
I have been victim to my own mind since I was a child. I may have mentioned in a previous post that I am prone to bouts of depression. I am. I have some insane highs and insane lows. I had gotten so used to recognizing it that I was able to just stop... breath... think and move on. I got into the habit of calling it "moody"... as I am also prone to mood swings.
I have been doing very well without the meds. But as of late I have been steadily losing control. Where I could once keep myself from tail spinning and spiraling out of control , I find that more and more I am spiraling faster and faster. Unable to control my own mind or my own feelings. This could be in part to my being lonely. I am not used to being alone... never have been. But I don't know. On one hand I hated the meds. They kept me from feeling. Being an emotional creature not feeling is unacceptable. On the other hand... they kept me sane and clear.
Do I go back on the meds, leaving myself emotionally barren? Do I find a way to become a stronger person spiritually and mentally to get myself back in check? Both of those options hold some hope and promise. It's now about getting over being indecisive and choosing a path and praying it works. I wish I had a buddhist temple to go to around here. That was so very helpful. Having a calm soothing place to go. Having great supporters and teachers that showed me how to calm myself, my mind and my spirit. I feel broken right now and I don't know what to do about it. God... I am even having a Ricky moment, I am crying and I don't know why. I know what it doesn't have to do with... I don't know what it does have to do with. I just felt like crying. What am I? On my period or something?
Well.. before I short circuit my laptop....
ciao
-D
I have been victim to my own mind since I was a child. I may have mentioned in a previous post that I am prone to bouts of depression. I am. I have some insane highs and insane lows. I had gotten so used to recognizing it that I was able to just stop... breath... think and move on. I got into the habit of calling it "moody"... as I am also prone to mood swings.
I have been doing very well without the meds. But as of late I have been steadily losing control. Where I could once keep myself from tail spinning and spiraling out of control , I find that more and more I am spiraling faster and faster. Unable to control my own mind or my own feelings. This could be in part to my being lonely. I am not used to being alone... never have been. But I don't know. On one hand I hated the meds. They kept me from feeling. Being an emotional creature not feeling is unacceptable. On the other hand... they kept me sane and clear.
Do I go back on the meds, leaving myself emotionally barren? Do I find a way to become a stronger person spiritually and mentally to get myself back in check? Both of those options hold some hope and promise. It's now about getting over being indecisive and choosing a path and praying it works. I wish I had a buddhist temple to go to around here. That was so very helpful. Having a calm soothing place to go. Having great supporters and teachers that showed me how to calm myself, my mind and my spirit. I feel broken right now and I don't know what to do about it. God... I am even having a Ricky moment, I am crying and I don't know why. I know what it doesn't have to do with... I don't know what it does have to do with. I just felt like crying. What am I? On my period or something?
Well.. before I short circuit my laptop....
ciao
-D
Ugh...
Well I have got to stop going to Blu on my time off. I end up doing shit for nothing there. I am almost bored with the clientele which is making Blu more of a job. Which is fine I guess... it is what it is meant to be.
I am realizing how boring to myself I am. So thats not fun.
I guess until I get a car or a man (yeah good luck on that. So far all I have found are boys.) I am doomed to spend my days and nights looking at these 4 walls. Almost feels like I put myself in a prison until Spring comes. At least when Spring is sprung I can walk around the city and not suffer hypothermia. I can't stand this no car thing. I mean c'mon... no real mass transit system to speak of either... it's drive or be trapped. I can't even get a decent dayjob doing what I am trained to do without a frikkin car.
Yes the Bear and Mr.Thursday... they were fun, but unfulfilling. Maybe becoming a man of the cloth is in order. LOL. Could you picture that... if I don't like boys now.. I don't think priesthood is for me. LOL. Should I just go back to my voluntary drought? It at least made me a tad bit interesting. I mean like I said they were fun... but ultimately unfulfilling. Did I feel great? Yes.... Did I feel empty after? No. But is that what I want? Sex with fuck buddies that don't go anywhere because all it is... is sex? No. Maybe I should look at it as... I had my fun with two hotties... got reassurance that it is fun but still not what I am looking for. Maybe a voluntary drought is just what I need. As if 10yrs with Mike wasn't drought enough right? LOL.
Difficult indeed. But I'll make it. I have to. Just wish I didn't have to do it alone. I need a fucking cheerleader or something.
-Daemian
I am realizing how boring to myself I am. So thats not fun.
I guess until I get a car or a man (yeah good luck on that. So far all I have found are boys.) I am doomed to spend my days and nights looking at these 4 walls. Almost feels like I put myself in a prison until Spring comes. At least when Spring is sprung I can walk around the city and not suffer hypothermia. I can't stand this no car thing. I mean c'mon... no real mass transit system to speak of either... it's drive or be trapped. I can't even get a decent dayjob doing what I am trained to do without a frikkin car.
Yes the Bear and Mr.Thursday... they were fun, but unfulfilling. Maybe becoming a man of the cloth is in order. LOL. Could you picture that... if I don't like boys now.. I don't think priesthood is for me. LOL. Should I just go back to my voluntary drought? It at least made me a tad bit interesting. I mean like I said they were fun... but ultimately unfulfilling. Did I feel great? Yes.... Did I feel empty after? No. But is that what I want? Sex with fuck buddies that don't go anywhere because all it is... is sex? No. Maybe I should look at it as... I had my fun with two hotties... got reassurance that it is fun but still not what I am looking for. Maybe a voluntary drought is just what I need. As if 10yrs with Mike wasn't drought enough right? LOL.
Difficult indeed. But I'll make it. I have to. Just wish I didn't have to do it alone. I need a fucking cheerleader or something.
-Daemian
Monday, January 21, 2008
Along Came a Bear...
warning: The following post is once again about gay sex. If you don't like it you are reading the wrong blog.
Yes bitches... I am a whore. OMG. Well if it is any consolation I didn't pick this one up at the club. I was out this morning buying a meat pie and noticed this cute bear looking at me but not looking. Curiously we'd end up in the same isle as I was trying to find the drinks and such. Apparently he was in Worcester for the weekend, saw me last night at Blu thought I was hot and that it was rather bizzare seeing me in public. He lives in CT, his name is Johnathan and he is 42 cute as hell and a bear. Not too big... not too small... taller than me and a genuinely nice guy.
So we sat down, ate food and talked. The conversation was great. He was funny, I was funny we had a damn good convo. Then in the middle of the conversation I noticed he was just looking at me with a smile. I stop with my verbal diarhea and return the look. He then says I am a very sexy guy, though he guessed my age at 35yo, and was shocked when I told him I was only 28 and must be a baby to him. We talked some more and then numbers got exchanged. I told him my ex was 41 so 42 does not bother me but that I was looking to date guys within the age range of 28 - 36. He looked disappointed... at which time I then looked him in the eyes and said.. that doesn't mean we couldn't be friends or other things...
He knew exactly what I meant. I asked him iff he wanted to finish his coffee at my place. You know he agreed. So we come back to my place, sit at the table and continue our conversation. He then reaches over and strokes my hand. Gently. I am a sucker for a gentle bear. I lean across the table and kiss him. Spur of the moment and it works. Next thing I know we are making out with the table between us. I then get that urge. So I let go, walk around to the other side of the table, grab him by the back of his head and force our mouths together. It hurts but oh so nicely. The air in the room is magic and the fire in my lungs long for release. He then grabs my cock and I know what he wants. Which is just fine because I want it too.
I circle behind him and lead him to my room using the hard cock pressing against my jeans. We make it into my room and the clothe fly off and while I am standing there he takes my cock to the balls into his mouth. This fucker is hot and all I can do is surrender to him. He pushes me onto my bed and continues to go to town on my groin. This guy sucks dick like an experienced man aught to. I can tell he is hot for me and I am hot for him and the swelling in my dick is evidence enough of it.
Then he does what I love. He straddled me. He leaned in to kiss me and I pull him down. Deep, hard, long kissing. His lips are fantastic and his tongue is talented. I reach over to the stool on the side of my bed, grab a condom and some lube and hand them to him. He puts it on me and slides me into his ass. Tight and warm... he said he hadn't been fucked in a long time so we have to take it slow. I told him to take it as slow as he needs. Well that lasted for all of 2 minutes. Next thing I know he grabs my headboard and starts to gyrate up and down on me. He feels amazing and smells the way I expect a man to smell. The taste of his sweat and the feeling of his furry chest against me send my head into outerspace. He pumps and sweats and growls and howls. Then he cums. Wow... I love it when a bottom cums while I am inside of them. But he doesn't stop. He knows I didn't cum and he was aching for more. So he continued to ride and stay hard for me. I lean forward and swallow his cock while he is still riding. He shivers and next thing I know he cums again... this time he squeezes his ass hard enough to damn near snap my cock in half. This time I cum... and hard. I can feel him shiver from the inside.
After we cleaned up we layed there naked and talking. It was amazing actually. The depth and level on which we were able to talk about anything. We had the simple conversations about Project Runway and we had deeper conversations about people and their modes of being. I had a great time with a great guy.
The only bad thing is his age. I have already done the 13 years older than me thing. I don't want to revisit. I want to be with someone I can grow old with not someone who I have to watch grow old as I lag behind. Hence why I am restricing any dating prospects to my age or 8 years older. 8 seems like a good number to go above my age with. It keeps us in similar decades. :P
I am aware that my posts are becoming more... slutty. But such is the life of a single, very horny, gay man. I am enjoying myself to a degree. I do still want that someone to hold at night that will hold me in return. Perhaps when the games are over I will have that someone. Yeah I know, we all hate games me especially but Carl hasn't lost me... yet.
Til my next trist chulos...
-Daemian
Yes bitches... I am a whore. OMG. Well if it is any consolation I didn't pick this one up at the club. I was out this morning buying a meat pie and noticed this cute bear looking at me but not looking. Curiously we'd end up in the same isle as I was trying to find the drinks and such. Apparently he was in Worcester for the weekend, saw me last night at Blu thought I was hot and that it was rather bizzare seeing me in public. He lives in CT, his name is Johnathan and he is 42 cute as hell and a bear. Not too big... not too small... taller than me and a genuinely nice guy.
So we sat down, ate food and talked. The conversation was great. He was funny, I was funny we had a damn good convo. Then in the middle of the conversation I noticed he was just looking at me with a smile. I stop with my verbal diarhea and return the look. He then says I am a very sexy guy, though he guessed my age at 35yo, and was shocked when I told him I was only 28 and must be a baby to him. We talked some more and then numbers got exchanged. I told him my ex was 41 so 42 does not bother me but that I was looking to date guys within the age range of 28 - 36. He looked disappointed... at which time I then looked him in the eyes and said.. that doesn't mean we couldn't be friends or other things...
He knew exactly what I meant. I asked him iff he wanted to finish his coffee at my place. You know he agreed. So we come back to my place, sit at the table and continue our conversation. He then reaches over and strokes my hand. Gently. I am a sucker for a gentle bear. I lean across the table and kiss him. Spur of the moment and it works. Next thing I know we are making out with the table between us. I then get that urge. So I let go, walk around to the other side of the table, grab him by the back of his head and force our mouths together. It hurts but oh so nicely. The air in the room is magic and the fire in my lungs long for release. He then grabs my cock and I know what he wants. Which is just fine because I want it too.
I circle behind him and lead him to my room using the hard cock pressing against my jeans. We make it into my room and the clothe fly off and while I am standing there he takes my cock to the balls into his mouth. This fucker is hot and all I can do is surrender to him. He pushes me onto my bed and continues to go to town on my groin. This guy sucks dick like an experienced man aught to. I can tell he is hot for me and I am hot for him and the swelling in my dick is evidence enough of it.
Then he does what I love. He straddled me. He leaned in to kiss me and I pull him down. Deep, hard, long kissing. His lips are fantastic and his tongue is talented. I reach over to the stool on the side of my bed, grab a condom and some lube and hand them to him. He puts it on me and slides me into his ass. Tight and warm... he said he hadn't been fucked in a long time so we have to take it slow. I told him to take it as slow as he needs. Well that lasted for all of 2 minutes. Next thing I know he grabs my headboard and starts to gyrate up and down on me. He feels amazing and smells the way I expect a man to smell. The taste of his sweat and the feeling of his furry chest against me send my head into outerspace. He pumps and sweats and growls and howls. Then he cums. Wow... I love it when a bottom cums while I am inside of them. But he doesn't stop. He knows I didn't cum and he was aching for more. So he continued to ride and stay hard for me. I lean forward and swallow his cock while he is still riding. He shivers and next thing I know he cums again... this time he squeezes his ass hard enough to damn near snap my cock in half. This time I cum... and hard. I can feel him shiver from the inside.
After we cleaned up we layed there naked and talking. It was amazing actually. The depth and level on which we were able to talk about anything. We had the simple conversations about Project Runway and we had deeper conversations about people and their modes of being. I had a great time with a great guy.
The only bad thing is his age. I have already done the 13 years older than me thing. I don't want to revisit. I want to be with someone I can grow old with not someone who I have to watch grow old as I lag behind. Hence why I am restricing any dating prospects to my age or 8 years older. 8 seems like a good number to go above my age with. It keeps us in similar decades. :P
I am aware that my posts are becoming more... slutty. But such is the life of a single, very horny, gay man. I am enjoying myself to a degree. I do still want that someone to hold at night that will hold me in return. Perhaps when the games are over I will have that someone. Yeah I know, we all hate games me especially but Carl hasn't lost me... yet.
Til my next trist chulos...
-Daemian
Saturday, January 19, 2008
What the Hell Am I Gonna Do Now?
I am insanely horny. I have to work tonight. I don't wanna hook up in front of Carl. What the hell am I gonna do now? Calgon... take me away!
-Daemian
-Daemian
One other thing...
I know I said before that I could not be friends with someone I felt something for. Well in the spirit of not being held down by who I used to be... I think I can be friends with someone I have feelings for. I have to at least try. Growth bitches...
-Daemian
-Daemian
A New Schedule, A New Outlook and an Oh Fuck Moment...
So... I have worked officially all of 1 week at Blu and they have already got my schedule for the weekend booked! I love it! Friday, Saturday and Sunday I will be working security. It will be variable which security position I work. Some days I will be a floater, which I love. I get to walk around the club, flirt a little bit and see the shows. Some days I will be working the smoking area. In the winter it hurts a little bit because the smoking area is outside, but once again I get to mingle, be social and flirt without spending money. Some days I will be working the front door, like this Sunday I will be working the front door, which is nice on a Sunday because I don't have to deal with cash. I can sit there, be visible and flirt my ass of. Bad part is I miss the shows and I am pretty much stuck in the front... Sunday they do lip sync competitions and Lady Sabrina is the hostess with the mostess.
After my exciting encounter, as documented in my previous post, my outlook on things have changed. Funny enough I do still want Carl. I want him something bad, but I found I am able to curb that want and go for other wants while he decides his own fate. I could have had my choice of boys last night. There was this FUCKING hot Brazilian guy staring me down. I mean he undressed me, re-dressed me and undressed me again all with his eyes... all night long. This little Mexican guy walked in, and I don't get what is up with the little guys thinking they can handle all of this, and began to shake his ass just for me. I was almost tempted, but found that no... despite my addictive personality (which would make it very easy to get addicted to sex) I was able to be a good boy last night. I went home with no one and guess that kind of control over myself felt great. I guess it is a kind of control that 10yrs of marriage will train in you. After my last encounter, I tell you girls.. you will have to chisel the smile off of my face with a jackhammer after I am dead. All the negativity I was holding on to just melted away. So I feel great. There is something better for me out there. This is just the beginning.
I know, I know... I can hear you bitches now, "Well what the Oh Fuck Moment Ho?!?", and I will tell ya. My 'Oh Fuck Moment' was in realizing with all the blood back in my brain that I did hook up with this guy at the place I worked. Which means whoever was working that night knows I went home with someone else. Why? How? They know by now that I am a new bitch here that does not drive. So if I show up I am there until closing so I can hitch a ride with Danielle or Matty home. Well, when I wasn't there at the end of the night... they put 2 and 2 together and made 4. Not only did they get it... they talked about it. Even my new boss knew I went home with someone. Glad it is a gay club and it was my night off. Anyway... Carl worked last night with BOTH bartenders from my night of whorishness. Yeah... he heard about it. Oh fuck. At first I didn't care really because he was the one who told me to back off. But I could see it in his face he was not happy. He would put on a rather fake smile, I know what his smiles look like and the ones he gave me were fake, and pretend like he wasn't upset. I then realized, Carl is not the rock he portrays himself to be. He really does... or at least did... like me. What puzzles me is that the entire thing was all about how I need to go out and sow MY wild oats. How I am the one who needs more time. How I am the one who is not ready. In reality... none of those things were about me. They were about him. He is the one who is not ready, needs more time to sort his shit out.
Now I may have been having some serious blonde moments since I got here. Thankfully those are over. I may have just left a 10yr relationship. But give me some credit. I am not a moron or some child. I do know myself well enough to know the type of person I am. I know I can be a horny fuck. I know I can have my moments where for months on end I want it daily. I know that if I don't get my release I get grumpy. I know that I much rather have sex with someone I feel something for as well. Its when I am at my best sexually. I also know that I am a relationship oriented man. That if I find the guy who can put me in my place, not let me get away with murder, fuck me on a regular basis and make me feel like a king... I will be his for as long as I can hold on to him. I know that I am VERY affectionate and loving. I love nothing more than to be able to put my arms around someone and feel them respond positively. I want nothing more than to be able to come home, call someone tiger, kiss a long deep 'I missed you today' kiss... even if we have just been in separate rooms all day. I know I want someone to hold.
So I do have a big grip on what it is I want, who it is I was 10yrs ago, who it is I became in 10yrs time and who it is I am becoming. I won't be held down by who I used to be. But I won't toss those lessons I have learned either. So, as my hag in training and my mother said... take this as a sign that I need to whore it up a little bit longer... safely (thats my mothers addition). I am not going to be an asshole and throw it in Carls face by hooking up with guys right in front of him, thats just bad form knowing what I know... but I will try to take just 1 night a week at the club socially when he is not there and get my guys that way. I don't know how I feel about the whole hookup websites... thats just too damn scary. I do hope for Carls sake... and just because I really do like him... that I am single when he feels he is ready for me. I am an easy man to keep but I am a lot of man to deal with with.
Hmmm... I wonder when the next time I will see Christiano may be? I have been given the green light from Jaeryd. Maybe Christiano will be the next one on my list of Worcester Conquests! Language barrier may be a bit much to try and date him... but the language my groin speaks is universal.
-Daemian
After my exciting encounter, as documented in my previous post, my outlook on things have changed. Funny enough I do still want Carl. I want him something bad, but I found I am able to curb that want and go for other wants while he decides his own fate. I could have had my choice of boys last night. There was this FUCKING hot Brazilian guy staring me down. I mean he undressed me, re-dressed me and undressed me again all with his eyes... all night long. This little Mexican guy walked in, and I don't get what is up with the little guys thinking they can handle all of this, and began to shake his ass just for me. I was almost tempted, but found that no... despite my addictive personality (which would make it very easy to get addicted to sex) I was able to be a good boy last night. I went home with no one and guess that kind of control over myself felt great. I guess it is a kind of control that 10yrs of marriage will train in you. After my last encounter, I tell you girls.. you will have to chisel the smile off of my face with a jackhammer after I am dead. All the negativity I was holding on to just melted away. So I feel great. There is something better for me out there. This is just the beginning.
I know, I know... I can hear you bitches now, "Well what the Oh Fuck Moment Ho?!?", and I will tell ya. My 'Oh Fuck Moment' was in realizing with all the blood back in my brain that I did hook up with this guy at the place I worked. Which means whoever was working that night knows I went home with someone else. Why? How? They know by now that I am a new bitch here that does not drive. So if I show up I am there until closing so I can hitch a ride with Danielle or Matty home. Well, when I wasn't there at the end of the night... they put 2 and 2 together and made 4. Not only did they get it... they talked about it. Even my new boss knew I went home with someone. Glad it is a gay club and it was my night off. Anyway... Carl worked last night with BOTH bartenders from my night of whorishness. Yeah... he heard about it. Oh fuck. At first I didn't care really because he was the one who told me to back off. But I could see it in his face he was not happy. He would put on a rather fake smile, I know what his smiles look like and the ones he gave me were fake, and pretend like he wasn't upset. I then realized, Carl is not the rock he portrays himself to be. He really does... or at least did... like me. What puzzles me is that the entire thing was all about how I need to go out and sow MY wild oats. How I am the one who needs more time. How I am the one who is not ready. In reality... none of those things were about me. They were about him. He is the one who is not ready, needs more time to sort his shit out.
Now I may have been having some serious blonde moments since I got here. Thankfully those are over. I may have just left a 10yr relationship. But give me some credit. I am not a moron or some child. I do know myself well enough to know the type of person I am. I know I can be a horny fuck. I know I can have my moments where for months on end I want it daily. I know that if I don't get my release I get grumpy. I know that I much rather have sex with someone I feel something for as well. Its when I am at my best sexually. I also know that I am a relationship oriented man. That if I find the guy who can put me in my place, not let me get away with murder, fuck me on a regular basis and make me feel like a king... I will be his for as long as I can hold on to him. I know that I am VERY affectionate and loving. I love nothing more than to be able to put my arms around someone and feel them respond positively. I want nothing more than to be able to come home, call someone tiger, kiss a long deep 'I missed you today' kiss... even if we have just been in separate rooms all day. I know I want someone to hold.
So I do have a big grip on what it is I want, who it is I was 10yrs ago, who it is I became in 10yrs time and who it is I am becoming. I won't be held down by who I used to be. But I won't toss those lessons I have learned either. So, as my hag in training and my mother said... take this as a sign that I need to whore it up a little bit longer... safely (thats my mothers addition). I am not going to be an asshole and throw it in Carls face by hooking up with guys right in front of him, thats just bad form knowing what I know... but I will try to take just 1 night a week at the club socially when he is not there and get my guys that way. I don't know how I feel about the whole hookup websites... thats just too damn scary. I do hope for Carls sake... and just because I really do like him... that I am single when he feels he is ready for me. I am an easy man to keep but I am a lot of man to deal with with.
Hmmm... I wonder when the next time I will see Christiano may be? I have been given the green light from Jaeryd. Maybe Christiano will be the next one on my list of Worcester Conquests! Language barrier may be a bit much to try and date him... but the language my groin speaks is universal.
-Daemian
Friday, January 18, 2008
First Night as a Completely Free Man!
Warning: The following post is long and very dirty. If you don't like reading about gay sex... sweety come out. Please.
I know the title is a bit misleading. You bitches are thinking, "Hey I thought you was single?", well chulos.. I am single, I was single and I have been single since November. But and yes there is a but... I had someone in mind. A goal for which to focus on. That goal was someone with whom sex would have meaning. So I held off on going home with anyone. But if you read the last post you will have known that my focus pretty much said no. So I have been holding off on doing anything for an entire month in hopes of him. I wanted sex with meaning. But at this point... I just wanted to get laid. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed human contact. Hence the first night completely free of any ties.
I called Jaeryd because I was not only going stir crazy... I was hungry. Eating every other day is so bad for me and my work out. But hey it is lean times. So we go out to this great place where I had a steak burger. Fantastic at medium rare... despite the waitress saying they won't do it. Thanks babe. It was awesome. Jaeryd slipped me a twenty, which I am soo grateful for as I am a broke bitch, and I payed with my card.
We then went to his place where I got to discover Project Runaway. Just let me say this. Why is the cute one always straight? And why is watching Heidi Klum like watching the first AI develop? So damn robotic. The accent is cute tho. I watch I think 4 episodes... feels like 5 ... because Jaeryd records the episodes to DVD. Well I can' wait to watch the other discs. I know, I know chulos when is it going to get good... that part starts...right.... now.
Well I decided to go to Blu tonight after being at Jaeryd's for like 4 hours. It was the Hawaiian party and soooo few people actually showed up. Most of those who did were under the legal age to drink... which means they were too young for me to do anything with. So... a few beers and my hard cock in hand I decided that I was going to end this voluntary drought. I had so many fucking options. It was intense. To these kids I expected to be old... well it seems that as the new bear in town they all wanted a piece. I decided... nuh uh youngens this dick is reserved for someone with at least a few years of adult fucking experience.
Then fate happened. There was an influx of 25+ guys. Not all were thin! YAY! Even Christiano (one of Jaeryds friends) showed up all by his lonesome. To my surprise he even showed interest in me. Funny that. I knew I thought that of the few Brazilians Jaeryd introduced me to, Christiano was the closest to even being my type. I thought for a second... isn't this wrong? Shouldn't I not fuck one of my friends friends into an oblivion? So we flirted, we danced... of course I got stiff as a rock. But wait chulos... it gets better... he then made a big mistake... he grabbed my ass. Those who know me know the sign on my ass says 'Exit Only'. But I didn't hold it against him. He pulled me closer... and I thought... well he is nice enough... he's not a total stranger... this wouldn't be that slutty. Would it? Then fate threw me a curve ball.
This young, 25yo latin boy walks his ass into the fucking club. Now to this point aside from my hardon Christiano had no other sign of anything other than friendship. Then I thought well the 25yo wouldn't be interested in a bear like me. not that he was skinny... but just didn't strike me as one who would be interested in a guy like me. I also began to come to my senses as the blood traveled back to my brain. I can't fuck Christiano. That would just be bad in so many ways. So I decided against it.
Then Adam, not my co-worker but this small and I mean small black guy who came with a str8 friend from work. LOL. He insisted that I come and dance. So of course... feeling self defeated I decided to go an dance. Dancing does something to me. Even if I am just standing at the rail doing my slutty dance. It just makes me feel better. I can be sensuous, seductive, graceful and sexy. So as I lose myself in the dancing I notice the 25yo dancing and watching me. All I could see was him rolling his ass around and doing a damn good job at it. I was getting stiff just watching him. He would peer over his shoulder at me. So much so that I had to figure out if it was really me he was looking at or someone behind me. Well the only thing behind me was the wall. So yeah.. he was looking at me. I then notice he said something to Christiano... and even looked like Christiano a little bit. I could then see they were not speaking English. OMG... I am being hit on by a hot ass dancing Brazilian. I notice he then looks over to me... then both look. Then he walks over to me. He walks over, gets in close then asks if he can kiss me. I nodded my head and the boy went for it. I love kissing, I know for a fact I am a damn good kisser, and this kid did it like a pro. All this did was get me raging stiff. Remember... I am horny as fuck and this hot ass 25yo Brazilian is all over me. He then grabs my cock and says... verbatim... "I have been watching you since you came here 2 weeks ago. I hope you are a top because I have a feeling I would WANT to be with you tonight. Yer a very handsome, cute guy. I loved the beard but this is much cuter (I shaved my face today. Styled dat shit!), I bet it would feel good on my chest.". I shit you not... boy was bold. He asked me if I lived close, I do. He asked if he could give me a ride home... I said yes. At this point I am freaking. So I run to the mens room, grab a couple of packs of condoms and then sprint to the front so I could tell Daneille that I would not be needing a ride home.
We walk to his car... the entire time I am watching his ass. In the car we make small talk. Turns out he is also from New York City. Wow... a frame of reference. We swap maybe 2 fast stories of what we miss and what we don't miss about New York and the subject quickly jumps to my cock. He asks how big is it because when he felt it while kissing me and wondered if he could even take it all. I then say to him, (I don't mind you bitches knowing these details, I'm a single man... no need to dance around it).. so yeah I said to him, don't worry it's only 8.5 inches... 9 if you give good head. Yes bitches I said it. I know I am such a whore. He looks at me as if I just said he won a million fucking dollars. Then a very gaaaayyyy 'ONLY!". I told him he will be fine and put his hand right where I knew he wanted it to be. All of this happens on the very short ride from Blu to my place. And I thank God my roommates are cool with my being gay and wanting to get laid. I just have to not wake them up.
So we get into my place and this guy is quiet as a mouse. Turns out he went to Guilliard for dancing. OMG.. I landed a fucking dancer. We get to my room and I turn on iTunes to play something... appropriate. A little Massive Attack, some Bjork and finish with the Nine Inch Nails concept album. Dramatic and sets a good pace. Trust me. So I turn around and he is already naked in my bed hard as a brick. And he is hard for me. I felt like a hot guy for the first time in a long time. I mean he was 25yo... I never expect guys younger than me or even my age to be into someone like me. But sure enough... there he was. Not even a little drunk... and he was that fuckin hot, just for me. I felt incredible.
I quickly shed my clothes.. even took off my t-shirt. (I have not been comfortable enough with myself to be seen totally nude in 10yrs.) Thats right... something I could never do for Mike I just did. I was completely nude and he looked ravenous. Like I was a prize. I gave him my steely, I am gonna make you hollar look and it just made him squirm in anticipation. I didn't know I could still do that. I come to the side of the bed and he leans his head over the edge. The moment I was close enough he grabbed my member and began going at it like it contained the cure to cancer. Man, than rolling of the tongue thing he does while speaking Portuguese he can not only do while kissing but also while blowing me. He even gagged a little as he attempted the full length. Girls this is better than a Daneille Steele novel. He gets me going something insane. Then I felt something I have never felt before. I felt very aggressive... by my own accord. Not as a command, but as if I was just so damn wound up that I knew I was going to try and break this boy. So while he is blowing me I bend forward and began to go at his own member. This only made him more crazy. I almost came. But muahahahaha.. I did learn a trick or two in ten years... I learned how to do tantric... cum without cumming. So that was my first blown load that didn't go. My problem is I can only do it once in a session. But it makes it last a long fuckin time.
He then takes me out and says the best possible thing he could have said to me. He said, "I wanna ride you!". Yes bitches... he said it. Well I take forever to cum when being ridden... which is why I like it. This boy gets on... slides down slowly and I can see he hurts.. but he doesn't care. He was determined to take me in there... all of me. My heart rate was through the roof at this point. I can feel a thousand negative emotions just drip off of me as I start to sweat. I feel alive. I'm fucking alive! He finally settles on my cock and the look on his face is one of pure ecstacy. I then tighten my perenium making my dick swell. Did he feel it? I do it again... harder this time... yeah he feels it. I hit cloud 9 just knowing I am rocking this kids ass and he is loving it. I then begin to pound from beneath... slowly for about a minute. Following the rythm of the music I give him the 1st level of the Bull Machine. Then song changes and that is my cue. I go from slow.. immediately to a fast hard pump. Yeah this kid is diggin it. We do this throught the entire Massive Attack album. The kid almost cums twice. I had to stop for a minute or two. He of of course did not get off. Then as the Nine Inch Nails album starts he begins to pound himself on me... damn I feel great. He feels great.
Then he says, "Doggies pai." and gets off and bends over. His sweat mixed with mine creates a funk in the room that is electric! This only makes me that much harder... that much more aggressive. I know I need to get off before we break this bed. He hit his head against the metal head bored a few times as I pound and ground and drove in as deep as I could. I tell him I am about to cum as I feverishly pound this poor young guy. He almost cums instantly upon my saying it and lets out a hushed yet very audible scream. I pound for another minute and unload into that condom. A few spasms later and we are laying there. He tells me he had fun. Gets up. Gets dressed and says he has to drive home, but offers to sleep here. I tell him I don't want to freak my roommate out early in the morning when some stranger is exiting the bathroom. He understands and gets dressed. All the while staring at me. I think he likes me a little more than I intended. The fucked up part is that he does go to the club and... well... I work there.
Still... I don't feel empty.. or lonely... or wrong. I feel... I feel... absolutely fabulous! I can't believe I made that kid cum so hard. I can't believe I just slept with someone who is a dancer by training. Flexible. Good hip movement. I feel like a fucking stud. Now to hope that when he tells the same story, it is close to my side.
So here it is 3:14am(thats right... didn't take me long at the club to do this)... I am writing this blog and feeling like I need to sleep and like a million fuckin bucks. Maybe this will set a different tone in my day to day activities. Like maybe start planning my next website as I get closer to finishing Leviathanelectronics.com. Wow... just wow. I had a successful night out as me... not as who I pretend to be. Confidence... check!
Hope you enjoyed my retelling of my night. So glad it happened... I can't make this type of shit up. I need to sleep now.
Later Chulos!
-Daemian
I know the title is a bit misleading. You bitches are thinking, "Hey I thought you was single?", well chulos.. I am single, I was single and I have been single since November. But and yes there is a but... I had someone in mind. A goal for which to focus on. That goal was someone with whom sex would have meaning. So I held off on going home with anyone. But if you read the last post you will have known that my focus pretty much said no. So I have been holding off on doing anything for an entire month in hopes of him. I wanted sex with meaning. But at this point... I just wanted to get laid. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed human contact. Hence the first night completely free of any ties.
I called Jaeryd because I was not only going stir crazy... I was hungry. Eating every other day is so bad for me and my work out. But hey it is lean times. So we go out to this great place where I had a steak burger. Fantastic at medium rare... despite the waitress saying they won't do it. Thanks babe. It was awesome. Jaeryd slipped me a twenty, which I am soo grateful for as I am a broke bitch, and I payed with my card.
We then went to his place where I got to discover Project Runaway. Just let me say this. Why is the cute one always straight? And why is watching Heidi Klum like watching the first AI develop? So damn robotic. The accent is cute tho. I watch I think 4 episodes... feels like 5 ... because Jaeryd records the episodes to DVD. Well I can' wait to watch the other discs. I know, I know chulos when is it going to get good... that part starts...right.... now.
Well I decided to go to Blu tonight after being at Jaeryd's for like 4 hours. It was the Hawaiian party and soooo few people actually showed up. Most of those who did were under the legal age to drink... which means they were too young for me to do anything with. So... a few beers and my hard cock in hand I decided that I was going to end this voluntary drought. I had so many fucking options. It was intense. To these kids I expected to be old... well it seems that as the new bear in town they all wanted a piece. I decided... nuh uh youngens this dick is reserved for someone with at least a few years of adult fucking experience.
Then fate happened. There was an influx of 25+ guys. Not all were thin! YAY! Even Christiano (one of Jaeryds friends) showed up all by his lonesome. To my surprise he even showed interest in me. Funny that. I knew I thought that of the few Brazilians Jaeryd introduced me to, Christiano was the closest to even being my type. I thought for a second... isn't this wrong? Shouldn't I not fuck one of my friends friends into an oblivion? So we flirted, we danced... of course I got stiff as a rock. But wait chulos... it gets better... he then made a big mistake... he grabbed my ass. Those who know me know the sign on my ass says 'Exit Only'. But I didn't hold it against him. He pulled me closer... and I thought... well he is nice enough... he's not a total stranger... this wouldn't be that slutty. Would it? Then fate threw me a curve ball.
This young, 25yo latin boy walks his ass into the fucking club. Now to this point aside from my hardon Christiano had no other sign of anything other than friendship. Then I thought well the 25yo wouldn't be interested in a bear like me. not that he was skinny... but just didn't strike me as one who would be interested in a guy like me. I also began to come to my senses as the blood traveled back to my brain. I can't fuck Christiano. That would just be bad in so many ways. So I decided against it.
Then Adam, not my co-worker but this small and I mean small black guy who came with a str8 friend from work. LOL. He insisted that I come and dance. So of course... feeling self defeated I decided to go an dance. Dancing does something to me. Even if I am just standing at the rail doing my slutty dance. It just makes me feel better. I can be sensuous, seductive, graceful and sexy. So as I lose myself in the dancing I notice the 25yo dancing and watching me. All I could see was him rolling his ass around and doing a damn good job at it. I was getting stiff just watching him. He would peer over his shoulder at me. So much so that I had to figure out if it was really me he was looking at or someone behind me. Well the only thing behind me was the wall. So yeah.. he was looking at me. I then notice he said something to Christiano... and even looked like Christiano a little bit. I could then see they were not speaking English. OMG... I am being hit on by a hot ass dancing Brazilian. I notice he then looks over to me... then both look. Then he walks over to me. He walks over, gets in close then asks if he can kiss me. I nodded my head and the boy went for it. I love kissing, I know for a fact I am a damn good kisser, and this kid did it like a pro. All this did was get me raging stiff. Remember... I am horny as fuck and this hot ass 25yo Brazilian is all over me. He then grabs my cock and says... verbatim... "I have been watching you since you came here 2 weeks ago. I hope you are a top because I have a feeling I would WANT to be with you tonight. Yer a very handsome, cute guy. I loved the beard but this is much cuter (I shaved my face today. Styled dat shit!), I bet it would feel good on my chest.". I shit you not... boy was bold. He asked me if I lived close, I do. He asked if he could give me a ride home... I said yes. At this point I am freaking. So I run to the mens room, grab a couple of packs of condoms and then sprint to the front so I could tell Daneille that I would not be needing a ride home.
We walk to his car... the entire time I am watching his ass. In the car we make small talk. Turns out he is also from New York City. Wow... a frame of reference. We swap maybe 2 fast stories of what we miss and what we don't miss about New York and the subject quickly jumps to my cock. He asks how big is it because when he felt it while kissing me and wondered if he could even take it all. I then say to him, (I don't mind you bitches knowing these details, I'm a single man... no need to dance around it).. so yeah I said to him, don't worry it's only 8.5 inches... 9 if you give good head. Yes bitches I said it. I know I am such a whore. He looks at me as if I just said he won a million fucking dollars. Then a very gaaaayyyy 'ONLY!". I told him he will be fine and put his hand right where I knew he wanted it to be. All of this happens on the very short ride from Blu to my place. And I thank God my roommates are cool with my being gay and wanting to get laid. I just have to not wake them up.
So we get into my place and this guy is quiet as a mouse. Turns out he went to Guilliard for dancing. OMG.. I landed a fucking dancer. We get to my room and I turn on iTunes to play something... appropriate. A little Massive Attack, some Bjork and finish with the Nine Inch Nails concept album. Dramatic and sets a good pace. Trust me. So I turn around and he is already naked in my bed hard as a brick. And he is hard for me. I felt like a hot guy for the first time in a long time. I mean he was 25yo... I never expect guys younger than me or even my age to be into someone like me. But sure enough... there he was. Not even a little drunk... and he was that fuckin hot, just for me. I felt incredible.
I quickly shed my clothes.. even took off my t-shirt. (I have not been comfortable enough with myself to be seen totally nude in 10yrs.) Thats right... something I could never do for Mike I just did. I was completely nude and he looked ravenous. Like I was a prize. I gave him my steely, I am gonna make you hollar look and it just made him squirm in anticipation. I didn't know I could still do that. I come to the side of the bed and he leans his head over the edge. The moment I was close enough he grabbed my member and began going at it like it contained the cure to cancer. Man, than rolling of the tongue thing he does while speaking Portuguese he can not only do while kissing but also while blowing me. He even gagged a little as he attempted the full length. Girls this is better than a Daneille Steele novel. He gets me going something insane. Then I felt something I have never felt before. I felt very aggressive... by my own accord. Not as a command, but as if I was just so damn wound up that I knew I was going to try and break this boy. So while he is blowing me I bend forward and began to go at his own member. This only made him more crazy. I almost came. But muahahahaha.. I did learn a trick or two in ten years... I learned how to do tantric... cum without cumming. So that was my first blown load that didn't go. My problem is I can only do it once in a session. But it makes it last a long fuckin time.
He then takes me out and says the best possible thing he could have said to me. He said, "I wanna ride you!". Yes bitches... he said it. Well I take forever to cum when being ridden... which is why I like it. This boy gets on... slides down slowly and I can see he hurts.. but he doesn't care. He was determined to take me in there... all of me. My heart rate was through the roof at this point. I can feel a thousand negative emotions just drip off of me as I start to sweat. I feel alive. I'm fucking alive! He finally settles on my cock and the look on his face is one of pure ecstacy. I then tighten my perenium making my dick swell. Did he feel it? I do it again... harder this time... yeah he feels it. I hit cloud 9 just knowing I am rocking this kids ass and he is loving it. I then begin to pound from beneath... slowly for about a minute. Following the rythm of the music I give him the 1st level of the Bull Machine. Then song changes and that is my cue. I go from slow.. immediately to a fast hard pump. Yeah this kid is diggin it. We do this throught the entire Massive Attack album. The kid almost cums twice. I had to stop for a minute or two. He of of course did not get off. Then as the Nine Inch Nails album starts he begins to pound himself on me... damn I feel great. He feels great.
Then he says, "Doggies pai." and gets off and bends over. His sweat mixed with mine creates a funk in the room that is electric! This only makes me that much harder... that much more aggressive. I know I need to get off before we break this bed. He hit his head against the metal head bored a few times as I pound and ground and drove in as deep as I could. I tell him I am about to cum as I feverishly pound this poor young guy. He almost cums instantly upon my saying it and lets out a hushed yet very audible scream. I pound for another minute and unload into that condom. A few spasms later and we are laying there. He tells me he had fun. Gets up. Gets dressed and says he has to drive home, but offers to sleep here. I tell him I don't want to freak my roommate out early in the morning when some stranger is exiting the bathroom. He understands and gets dressed. All the while staring at me. I think he likes me a little more than I intended. The fucked up part is that he does go to the club and... well... I work there.
Still... I don't feel empty.. or lonely... or wrong. I feel... I feel... absolutely fabulous! I can't believe I made that kid cum so hard. I can't believe I just slept with someone who is a dancer by training. Flexible. Good hip movement. I feel like a fucking stud. Now to hope that when he tells the same story, it is close to my side.
So here it is 3:14am(thats right... didn't take me long at the club to do this)... I am writing this blog and feeling like I need to sleep and like a million fuckin bucks. Maybe this will set a different tone in my day to day activities. Like maybe start planning my next website as I get closer to finishing Leviathanelectronics.com. Wow... just wow. I had a successful night out as me... not as who I pretend to be. Confidence... check!
Hope you enjoyed my retelling of my night. So glad it happened... I can't make this type of shit up. I need to sleep now.
Later Chulos!
-Daemian
Thursday, January 17, 2008
A Swing and A Miss...
Well Carl and I had our date. Well I knew we were in trouble the minute he suggested we go to Blu. I knew we were in further trouble when he said, 'It's not a date, it's a get together.'. I knew it was done when he said, 'I don't want to lead you on.'.
Is it obvious I like the guy? Yes. But why does it keep turning into 'I'm not ready for a relationship?'. I mean I wanted a proper date, time to get to know who he really is and if I even want to be bothered. But of course I allowed myself to be bullied into that spot and didn't protest, I just sat there... smiled as best I could and took it. He says he is not ready. Thats fine and all, but I have a very basic belief that you fight for what you want. You do whatever it takes to get yourself in a position to get what you want. Well not everyone feels the same way. Instead I get told to take a step back, leaving me feeling like it was never about anything more than sex to him. He even goes as far as saying, 'If I had sex with you then at the club you see me flirting and going home with someone else it would piss you off.', so nope didn't even get laid. A lot of, 'As attractive as you are', got thrown around. I guess to take the sting out of it. At one point I had to ask him to stop saying it. Could it have been any more rehearsed?
Oh well, it was a thwarted intention. He wants me to be his friend because friends have a possibility of being lovers. Problem is I am not wired that way. I can not be friends with someone I have feelings for. It is just not something I am capable of. I don't even know how. I spent the rest of the night drinking beer, listening to the old queens tell stories and giving Carl his space. He can keep the chain I gave him with the key. He can keep it as a reminder that someone who was real gave him a chance. All I can really do I guess is be polite. Say hi when I see him. Make small talk when he makes it. I may not be a happy panda right now but I do still like him.
Now this leaves me in a quandary. I am horny as fuck, the person I was waiting for pretty much told me to fuck off. I am not going to start fucking the entire town. Hell most of these guys I have seen so far I wouldn't let suck my dick. How do I meet people? I mean... you put me in front of a computer and meeting people becomes really easy. You never run out of things to say because you have the time to think and then type. But I want to try more traditional means of meeting people. Tho I don't quite know how. I mean I don't have any interesting stories to tell. Maybe I need a learning annex course on making friends and being personable. Really I guess my hard time is that I am waiting to be approached. Anytime I approach someone my conversation dies after , "Hi I'm Lance. You having a good night?". I do better if I am introduced. At least a mutual friend makes a mutual point of interest. I do better in a one on one setting. I am always so self conscious about people being able to hear my conversation.
I know, I know.. don't be so this or don't be so that. Easier said than done when it is simply part of who you are.
Back to the drawing board.
-Daemian
Is it obvious I like the guy? Yes. But why does it keep turning into 'I'm not ready for a relationship?'. I mean I wanted a proper date, time to get to know who he really is and if I even want to be bothered. But of course I allowed myself to be bullied into that spot and didn't protest, I just sat there... smiled as best I could and took it. He says he is not ready. Thats fine and all, but I have a very basic belief that you fight for what you want. You do whatever it takes to get yourself in a position to get what you want. Well not everyone feels the same way. Instead I get told to take a step back, leaving me feeling like it was never about anything more than sex to him. He even goes as far as saying, 'If I had sex with you then at the club you see me flirting and going home with someone else it would piss you off.', so nope didn't even get laid. A lot of, 'As attractive as you are', got thrown around. I guess to take the sting out of it. At one point I had to ask him to stop saying it. Could it have been any more rehearsed?
Oh well, it was a thwarted intention. He wants me to be his friend because friends have a possibility of being lovers. Problem is I am not wired that way. I can not be friends with someone I have feelings for. It is just not something I am capable of. I don't even know how. I spent the rest of the night drinking beer, listening to the old queens tell stories and giving Carl his space. He can keep the chain I gave him with the key. He can keep it as a reminder that someone who was real gave him a chance. All I can really do I guess is be polite. Say hi when I see him. Make small talk when he makes it. I may not be a happy panda right now but I do still like him.
Now this leaves me in a quandary. I am horny as fuck, the person I was waiting for pretty much told me to fuck off. I am not going to start fucking the entire town. Hell most of these guys I have seen so far I wouldn't let suck my dick. How do I meet people? I mean... you put me in front of a computer and meeting people becomes really easy. You never run out of things to say because you have the time to think and then type. But I want to try more traditional means of meeting people. Tho I don't quite know how. I mean I don't have any interesting stories to tell. Maybe I need a learning annex course on making friends and being personable. Really I guess my hard time is that I am waiting to be approached. Anytime I approach someone my conversation dies after , "Hi I'm Lance. You having a good night?". I do better if I am introduced. At least a mutual friend makes a mutual point of interest. I do better in a one on one setting. I am always so self conscious about people being able to hear my conversation.
I know, I know.. don't be so this or don't be so that. Easier said than done when it is simply part of who you are.
Back to the drawing board.
-Daemian
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I Aint Nothin' But A Horn Dog...
and man am I barking!! I went to do my laundry and got turned on by my own underwear. Aint that some shit right there?
Funny thing is I should be used to going without sex for long periods of time. But now that the chains are off my body is just in a testosterone induced overdrive. I would almost give a troll the time of day.... eeewwwwwww. I don't know what I am going to do about this. It makes me aggressive... like a hungry vegetarian. So of course all I can think about is ass and anyone who gets in the way is bound to get hurt. So shocked my brown eyes have not turned white.
So yeah... that's it.. just horny. Nothing else interesting to talk about.
-Daemian
Funny thing is I should be used to going without sex for long periods of time. But now that the chains are off my body is just in a testosterone induced overdrive. I would almost give a troll the time of day.... eeewwwwwww. I don't know what I am going to do about this. It makes me aggressive... like a hungry vegetarian. So of course all I can think about is ass and anyone who gets in the way is bound to get hurt. So shocked my brown eyes have not turned white.
So yeah... that's it.. just horny. Nothing else interesting to talk about.
-Daemian
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The Overlooked...
A lot has happened since I moved here and a lot has not happened. So far I have overlooked some of the basics of my new life in my posts. I have to thank Jaeryd for keeping me grounded. Even when I don't want to admit it and I know it frustrates him... he has gotten me to admit it. Truth be told, this is why I love him. None of my other friends have ever been able to get me to stop, take a look at what I am doing, admit my folley and come back down. The man has a gift. Not even my ex could get me to admit things I do not wish to admit to or see. I am very thankful to have made such a friend. Three years of mostly an online friendship has given me the older brother influence I never got to have and until now... never knew I missed. So, thank you Jaeryd for being there for me.
So, back to things overlooked. I have been so busy obsessing over events, people and places that I have forgotten to talk about the generalities and fun I have had. Jaeryd and I have gone out to eat a few times so far. It has always been great! We went to this Brazilian grill the other night. I could not eat a lot of the stuff they had as sides because they had a legume of some kind in it. So I ended up eating white rice, some great french fries (they didn't need ketchup) and pork ribs. Of course given that I ate earlier I wasn't all that hungry so I ended up bringing the ribs n stuff home. Even microwaved the food was off the hook. Unfortunately my days of eating out must end. I simply can not afford it. But it was good while it lasted.
I have worked my first weekend at Blu. Believe it or not, I had a good time. At work... what the fuck? Yes chulos at work. I mean I get to socialize, be at the club, listen to the music, hear or even see the contests and what not. But it is a lot of work if you are not working the smoking area. The smoking area is easy. You just stand back there and people tend to behave... at least for me they did. Working floater is a lot of work but, I think, the most fun. You basically walk around the club, looking at peoples hands for drinks and their mark. An 'X' on both hands means the person is underage and cannot drink. A colored bracelet means the patron is 21+ and can drink. So you look for X's with alcohol in their hands. One sip and they have to leave, along with the person that gave it to him. Try to locate the patrons that are waaaayyyy too drunk, inform the batenders that they are not have any more alcohol and escort them out if they get rowdy. Even tho I was told I didn't have to unless asked, I still walk around and pick up bottles and empty glasses to return to the bar. But the walking around you get to meet people, talk maybe an occassional shake of the ass as you pass through. It can be fun. This Saturday I start training on working the front door. I both look forward to it and dread it. I have seen just how nuts it can get when closing time comes and people are drunk and trying to swarm the front to get their coats. But I look forward to being a prominent 'Don't start no shit' front door man.
There are a lot of cuties that come to the club. There was this one bear... OMG, he is so cute. He wants someone else that works at the bar, so I keep my flirting to a minimum. There is a whole drama around it tho that I ended up playing sympathetic ear and advice giver to the cute bear. I don't screw with peoples emotions or any shit like that, so my advice was intentionally free of my attraction. I gave him the advice I would give to anyone. He felt better after our short talk and I had to go back to my rounds.
The Cabaret Show was awesome. I even got my head put in some Drag titties, courtesy of Lady Sabrina ! It was classic cabaret with a few oh so slutty twists. Watching the Bartender and the Shot Girl do all but fuck on stage was interesting. I still think she turned him on a little bit. Ha! I was feeling my mistake. I won't say what it was, as a bouncer I don't think I should divulge that information, but lets just say it hurt and got worse as the show went on. During the intermission I had two strong Captain w/Coke within a space of maybe 5 minutes. Well, lets say the pain was just a minor nuissance. I ended up staying after the show and helping out around the club. The pain would come back every so often but I'm fine.
I hadn't gotten much done website wise. Been posting stuff on eBay. The part that sucks is that the inventory changes daily. So it takes me longer to get to new stuff. So the project is just taking longer than I expected. I guess I have to swallow my pride and accept my mothers help. I have always had to do it myself. It is not easy to have to ask mom for help. Then again, who said starting over was easy?
Til next time chulos!
-Daemian
So, back to things overlooked. I have been so busy obsessing over events, people and places that I have forgotten to talk about the generalities and fun I have had. Jaeryd and I have gone out to eat a few times so far. It has always been great! We went to this Brazilian grill the other night. I could not eat a lot of the stuff they had as sides because they had a legume of some kind in it. So I ended up eating white rice, some great french fries (they didn't need ketchup) and pork ribs. Of course given that I ate earlier I wasn't all that hungry so I ended up bringing the ribs n stuff home. Even microwaved the food was off the hook. Unfortunately my days of eating out must end. I simply can not afford it. But it was good while it lasted.
I have worked my first weekend at Blu. Believe it or not, I had a good time. At work... what the fuck? Yes chulos at work. I mean I get to socialize, be at the club, listen to the music, hear or even see the contests and what not. But it is a lot of work if you are not working the smoking area. The smoking area is easy. You just stand back there and people tend to behave... at least for me they did. Working floater is a lot of work but, I think, the most fun. You basically walk around the club, looking at peoples hands for drinks and their mark. An 'X' on both hands means the person is underage and cannot drink. A colored bracelet means the patron is 21+ and can drink. So you look for X's with alcohol in their hands. One sip and they have to leave, along with the person that gave it to him. Try to locate the patrons that are waaaayyyy too drunk, inform the batenders that they are not have any more alcohol and escort them out if they get rowdy. Even tho I was told I didn't have to unless asked, I still walk around and pick up bottles and empty glasses to return to the bar. But the walking around you get to meet people, talk maybe an occassional shake of the ass as you pass through. It can be fun. This Saturday I start training on working the front door. I both look forward to it and dread it. I have seen just how nuts it can get when closing time comes and people are drunk and trying to swarm the front to get their coats. But I look forward to being a prominent 'Don't start no shit' front door man.
There are a lot of cuties that come to the club. There was this one bear... OMG, he is so cute. He wants someone else that works at the bar, so I keep my flirting to a minimum. There is a whole drama around it tho that I ended up playing sympathetic ear and advice giver to the cute bear. I don't screw with peoples emotions or any shit like that, so my advice was intentionally free of my attraction. I gave him the advice I would give to anyone. He felt better after our short talk and I had to go back to my rounds.
The Cabaret Show was awesome. I even got my head put in some Drag titties, courtesy of Lady Sabrina ! It was classic cabaret with a few oh so slutty twists. Watching the Bartender and the Shot Girl do all but fuck on stage was interesting. I still think she turned him on a little bit. Ha! I was feeling my mistake. I won't say what it was, as a bouncer I don't think I should divulge that information, but lets just say it hurt and got worse as the show went on. During the intermission I had two strong Captain w/Coke within a space of maybe 5 minutes. Well, lets say the pain was just a minor nuissance. I ended up staying after the show and helping out around the club. The pain would come back every so often but I'm fine.
I hadn't gotten much done website wise. Been posting stuff on eBay. The part that sucks is that the inventory changes daily. So it takes me longer to get to new stuff. So the project is just taking longer than I expected. I guess I have to swallow my pride and accept my mothers help. I have always had to do it myself. It is not easy to have to ask mom for help. Then again, who said starting over was easy?
Til next time chulos!
-Daemian
Monday, January 14, 2008
May You Live In Interesting Times.
Ok... I am a little stoned, courtesy of D-Baby... girl I love you, so this post may get a tad random. So be warned. It is also a very, VERY personal post. I am glad to be able to share it. I don't think I have on my blog before.
Someone once told me of an old Chinese curse. May you live in interesting times. On the surface that doesn't all too bad. Who wouldn't want to live an interesting life? It is our optimism that downplays this curse. But the curse is two fold and contradictory. You see, interesting times as it was thought of in the curse is something akin to those who survived the events of 9/11. It was a tremendous tragedy. I was supposed to be there that day. If I were, I would surely be dead. If I had to witness it and survive it, regardless of the great loss it is none the less interesting. So in essence the curse is one that will have bad events happen to you... constantly. With no balance, you know... the good times and the bad.
But here in lies the contradiction. 9/11 is an extreme example. But lets tone it down and make it more interesting. Say that you are one that is cursed. Even though the events that occur are not pleasant, you do come out of it alive and the events themselves may be spectacular... even in their horror. But you survived every single one. So not only have you lived an interesting life, the content of your character and your inner strength can grow 10 fold.
So is it really a curse after all? You can argue yes, the events are tragic and no one should be subject to such things. You can argue no. That which does not kill you makes you stronger and you should be so blessed to really have your character and inner strength tested in such a way to inspire a dramatic breakthrough. A break through that some people wait their entire lives for and never achieve, not even at their moment of expiration.
Why the fuck am I talking about an old Chinese curse?
I have been thinking about the events of my life on a whole. I have had to endure some of the most horrible things imaginable by most who have not had to deal with such things. From the moment of birth my life has been interesting. I came into this world in an interesting way. Not everything in my life has been interesting in a negative way. I think I must be carrying the curse over from a past life. Hokey I know, but also remember I am a Buddhist. Reincarnation and Karma are not strangers to me. I also think I must have gained some fantastic inner strength and the gift of luck from that past. I always manage to come out ok and in a better position.
Take my birth for instance. It was very interesting. Interesting in that I almost killed myself and my mother during the delivery. Somehow, and they don't know how, I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. An emergency C section had to be performed as I was choking myself to death before the actual labor started. This also caused my mother to stop breathing and for a moment her heart stopped under the intensity of her blood pressure. But, I came out of it ok. I had tubes in my head and what not, my mothers recovery was long and difficult. But we came out of it... together. I think that is a key moment right there. That is where our relationship started. We came out of it together. She has never once really made me feel she was not proud of me. Nor not happy with me or not pleased that I was her son. She was always there. I had the strength given to me the moment we came out of it ok to fight. Inner Strength is the first gift I was given to combat the curse.
Fast forward a couple of years. Mom is not with dad. Dad denies I exist. My world is both rocked and calmed by the birth of my sister. An alcoholic threatens to destroy all that was me.
On the surface, once again these events sound not so great but one. A big one is dad not being there. My mother can raise me but she cannot show me how to be a man. That is something I think all boys need. Boys need to have a father. This tore me apart. The man who helped make me did not want to acknowledge I existed. Imagine that for one moment. What would knowing who your father is. Where your father is. Knowing you have other siblings out there... and having him not acknowledge you exist. Never come over, no happy birthday cards, no Christmas cards no help buying your first car, no father to son birds and the bees talk, no one to show you how to defend yourself, no one to throw a ball with, no father to see you play football or rugby or hockey. Yeah, that really can destroy your sense of self. Your sense of who you are and where you came from. But I survived. Not only did I survive, I beat the odds and turned out better than the children he claimd. How is that possible? Definitely an interest plot so far, even though it is tragic. This is only one background factor to a sum. I came out of it, during that time I learned that not only had I a gift of inner strength... I realized my gift of intellect. That intellect let me turn the situation around. Turn a negative into a positive. I knew that I was going to show him one day. I am going to be smarter than his others. I am going to play sports better than his others, I was going to treat my women (yes you heard me) better than his others. Tragic, interesting and contradictory.
The alcoholic was a HUGE piece of the interesting times I have been living. My mother fell in love.. with an alcoholic. Allen Brown. This man was someone who when sober was great. He was funny, he loved RC Cars he had a great voice. He could have been or done anything he wanted to do. But he had a higher power to answer to. That was booze. Now the key words here are "when he was sober". Problem is, he was never sober. When he was drunk he was a nasty, disgusting, verbally abusiv and violent drunk. The violence inflicted upon my mother and myself scarred me. My inner strength had failed me.... or so I thought.The wound that is now a scar took a lot of doing to heal. In fact the wound threatened my life. My sister was luckily not harmed in any of this except in the fact that she had to bear witness. You see sometimes a straw really can break a camels back and I broke. I was broken for a very long time. I had all of this pent up emotional shit. I was not always so open. I had withdrawn into myself. All I felt was cold and hate. I hated him and was too small for so long to be able to do anything about it. This made me act out in increasingly more hostile ways. My pet peeve was a bully. I would take on any bully that had the audacity to pick on someone smaller. I was constantly fighting until I became a bully myself. One slight twoards me meant a punch in the nose... then a broken nose. The worst I have ever done to someone was break their arm using my car door because he kicked my car. I was out of control. After going through an anger management program I learned to control my anger but I never saw the point. I was unhappy and there was no point to not harming myself. So I did. I emotionally scarred myself. I was sleeping with a lot of different guys (I always used protection... I wasn't that damn nuts) which only made me feel bad. I was out there just being a complete ass. Once I saw the abuse I put myself through my gift of inner strength sparked back into action. I began to use my intellect again. I began to change my life. Though it was a struggle... one more infraction and I was sure to either be in jail or dead at the age of 18. Interesting times indeed.
I had a light at the end of the tunnel. I met someone. The same someone whom I had to let go. His virtue is that he showed me that it was possible to be happy. My gift of luck was starting to shine through. Because it was sheer dumb luck that we met. He made me feel it was ok to let someone get close to me. That I was not going to be hurt. With a little love my wounds healed. I curbed my behavior... I had a reason to. My life got better. I built an entirely new life from scratch. One in which I loved and lived and provided for. Life can be great. But then we get complacent and forget the struggles we had to endure to get to where we are. We become smug basking in the opulence that life can be. I was no longer bound for jail or death. I was no longer feeling the need to be violent. I learned to control it. My inner strength shown through. It enabled me to learn self control. To let my feelings out. It changed who I was. I once again came out of it ok. Better than I was before.
But all things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever. He and I ended. What seem like a great tragedy is so far the biggest gift. We ended but I am ok. Not just ok... 10 yrs of life altering time. I am not the same person I Was before. I am so much better with so much more to offer. I finally feel good enough. I am starting from scratch, but guess what.... I have done it before I know I can do it again. I feel damn good about that. I know I am strong enough and good enough and loving enough. I am in love with me!
So is it really a curse to have to live in interesting times? If I had to give an honest answer I would say. No it is not a curse, it is the most difficult of blessings. So whoever cursed me in a past life, I thank you. It is at this moment, I feel my upcoming interesting times are going to be positive. I think I used up all the negative.
Thanks for reading this long ass post.
- Daemian
Someone once told me of an old Chinese curse. May you live in interesting times. On the surface that doesn't all too bad. Who wouldn't want to live an interesting life? It is our optimism that downplays this curse. But the curse is two fold and contradictory. You see, interesting times as it was thought of in the curse is something akin to those who survived the events of 9/11. It was a tremendous tragedy. I was supposed to be there that day. If I were, I would surely be dead. If I had to witness it and survive it, regardless of the great loss it is none the less interesting. So in essence the curse is one that will have bad events happen to you... constantly. With no balance, you know... the good times and the bad.
But here in lies the contradiction. 9/11 is an extreme example. But lets tone it down and make it more interesting. Say that you are one that is cursed. Even though the events that occur are not pleasant, you do come out of it alive and the events themselves may be spectacular... even in their horror. But you survived every single one. So not only have you lived an interesting life, the content of your character and your inner strength can grow 10 fold.
So is it really a curse after all? You can argue yes, the events are tragic and no one should be subject to such things. You can argue no. That which does not kill you makes you stronger and you should be so blessed to really have your character and inner strength tested in such a way to inspire a dramatic breakthrough. A break through that some people wait their entire lives for and never achieve, not even at their moment of expiration.
Why the fuck am I talking about an old Chinese curse?
I have been thinking about the events of my life on a whole. I have had to endure some of the most horrible things imaginable by most who have not had to deal with such things. From the moment of birth my life has been interesting. I came into this world in an interesting way. Not everything in my life has been interesting in a negative way. I think I must be carrying the curse over from a past life. Hokey I know, but also remember I am a Buddhist. Reincarnation and Karma are not strangers to me. I also think I must have gained some fantastic inner strength and the gift of luck from that past. I always manage to come out ok and in a better position.
Take my birth for instance. It was very interesting. Interesting in that I almost killed myself and my mother during the delivery. Somehow, and they don't know how, I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. An emergency C section had to be performed as I was choking myself to death before the actual labor started. This also caused my mother to stop breathing and for a moment her heart stopped under the intensity of her blood pressure. But, I came out of it ok. I had tubes in my head and what not, my mothers recovery was long and difficult. But we came out of it... together. I think that is a key moment right there. That is where our relationship started. We came out of it together. She has never once really made me feel she was not proud of me. Nor not happy with me or not pleased that I was her son. She was always there. I had the strength given to me the moment we came out of it ok to fight. Inner Strength is the first gift I was given to combat the curse.
Fast forward a couple of years. Mom is not with dad. Dad denies I exist. My world is both rocked and calmed by the birth of my sister. An alcoholic threatens to destroy all that was me.
On the surface, once again these events sound not so great but one. A big one is dad not being there. My mother can raise me but she cannot show me how to be a man. That is something I think all boys need. Boys need to have a father. This tore me apart. The man who helped make me did not want to acknowledge I existed. Imagine that for one moment. What would knowing who your father is. Where your father is. Knowing you have other siblings out there... and having him not acknowledge you exist. Never come over, no happy birthday cards, no Christmas cards no help buying your first car, no father to son birds and the bees talk, no one to show you how to defend yourself, no one to throw a ball with, no father to see you play football or rugby or hockey. Yeah, that really can destroy your sense of self. Your sense of who you are and where you came from. But I survived. Not only did I survive, I beat the odds and turned out better than the children he claimd. How is that possible? Definitely an interest plot so far, even though it is tragic. This is only one background factor to a sum. I came out of it, during that time I learned that not only had I a gift of inner strength... I realized my gift of intellect. That intellect let me turn the situation around. Turn a negative into a positive. I knew that I was going to show him one day. I am going to be smarter than his others. I am going to play sports better than his others, I was going to treat my women (yes you heard me) better than his others. Tragic, interesting and contradictory.
The alcoholic was a HUGE piece of the interesting times I have been living. My mother fell in love.. with an alcoholic. Allen Brown. This man was someone who when sober was great. He was funny, he loved RC Cars he had a great voice. He could have been or done anything he wanted to do. But he had a higher power to answer to. That was booze. Now the key words here are "when he was sober". Problem is, he was never sober. When he was drunk he was a nasty, disgusting, verbally abusiv and violent drunk. The violence inflicted upon my mother and myself scarred me. My inner strength had failed me.... or so I thought.The wound that is now a scar took a lot of doing to heal. In fact the wound threatened my life. My sister was luckily not harmed in any of this except in the fact that she had to bear witness. You see sometimes a straw really can break a camels back and I broke. I was broken for a very long time. I had all of this pent up emotional shit. I was not always so open. I had withdrawn into myself. All I felt was cold and hate. I hated him and was too small for so long to be able to do anything about it. This made me act out in increasingly more hostile ways. My pet peeve was a bully. I would take on any bully that had the audacity to pick on someone smaller. I was constantly fighting until I became a bully myself. One slight twoards me meant a punch in the nose... then a broken nose. The worst I have ever done to someone was break their arm using my car door because he kicked my car. I was out of control. After going through an anger management program I learned to control my anger but I never saw the point. I was unhappy and there was no point to not harming myself. So I did. I emotionally scarred myself. I was sleeping with a lot of different guys (I always used protection... I wasn't that damn nuts) which only made me feel bad. I was out there just being a complete ass. Once I saw the abuse I put myself through my gift of inner strength sparked back into action. I began to use my intellect again. I began to change my life. Though it was a struggle... one more infraction and I was sure to either be in jail or dead at the age of 18. Interesting times indeed.
I had a light at the end of the tunnel. I met someone. The same someone whom I had to let go. His virtue is that he showed me that it was possible to be happy. My gift of luck was starting to shine through. Because it was sheer dumb luck that we met. He made me feel it was ok to let someone get close to me. That I was not going to be hurt. With a little love my wounds healed. I curbed my behavior... I had a reason to. My life got better. I built an entirely new life from scratch. One in which I loved and lived and provided for. Life can be great. But then we get complacent and forget the struggles we had to endure to get to where we are. We become smug basking in the opulence that life can be. I was no longer bound for jail or death. I was no longer feeling the need to be violent. I learned to control it. My inner strength shown through. It enabled me to learn self control. To let my feelings out. It changed who I was. I once again came out of it ok. Better than I was before.
But all things must come to an end. Nothing lasts forever. He and I ended. What seem like a great tragedy is so far the biggest gift. We ended but I am ok. Not just ok... 10 yrs of life altering time. I am not the same person I Was before. I am so much better with so much more to offer. I finally feel good enough. I am starting from scratch, but guess what.... I have done it before I know I can do it again. I feel damn good about that. I know I am strong enough and good enough and loving enough. I am in love with me!
So is it really a curse to have to live in interesting times? If I had to give an honest answer I would say. No it is not a curse, it is the most difficult of blessings. So whoever cursed me in a past life, I thank you. It is at this moment, I feel my upcoming interesting times are going to be positive. I think I used up all the negative.
Thanks for reading this long ass post.
- Daemian
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Oh My God...
OMG, omg, omg, omg, omg.... C called at like 5:30pm yesterday. I was taking an unforeseen nap. Sorta tired myself out, after a month of being a bad gymbear it was a tad bit of a shock to the system to work out the way I had. So any how, C called and we had a great conversation. He was sort of self conscious about his nose (infection that is healing) so he didn't really want to come out. Understandable... I can be the same way. But at least he did call.
We cleared the air between the two of us. There has been so much hype around he and I that sort of got out of hand. Mind you we have not done anything with each other. So I had to make it clear that I was not asking for his hand in marriage. That all I wanted was a proper quiet date. You know... dinner and a movie. Neither of us are looking to rush into anything. We did have a fun conversation after that was out of the way. I hope we can do something on his next day off.
In terms of how am I feeling... I feel strangely good. I mean, I am slowly getting poorer... but I have survived worse. I figured that if I can pull 4 shifts a week, by the end of the month every month I will have made enough to pay my rent, buy food etc... and let any funds I get from sales accumulate. Speaking of sales, Our internet access has been really flaky for some reason. First it was their DNS servers and now it is something else. I don't know if it is the weather or what. But we can't even get a proper IP address assigned. What the hell, from what I have been told they have never had problems like this. I know the net was working at 10:30am for that was the last email I got. After that it seems to have just died. Very frustrating. How am I able to post this you ask? Easy... my laptop has wi-fi and this triple decker has other people in it using wi-fi. So I am basically borrowing a cup of bandwidth. I hope my arrival has not somehow damaged the time space internet continuum in this apartment.
-Daemian
We cleared the air between the two of us. There has been so much hype around he and I that sort of got out of hand. Mind you we have not done anything with each other. So I had to make it clear that I was not asking for his hand in marriage. That all I wanted was a proper quiet date. You know... dinner and a movie. Neither of us are looking to rush into anything. We did have a fun conversation after that was out of the way. I hope we can do something on his next day off.
In terms of how am I feeling... I feel strangely good. I mean, I am slowly getting poorer... but I have survived worse. I figured that if I can pull 4 shifts a week, by the end of the month every month I will have made enough to pay my rent, buy food etc... and let any funds I get from sales accumulate. Speaking of sales, Our internet access has been really flaky for some reason. First it was their DNS servers and now it is something else. I don't know if it is the weather or what. But we can't even get a proper IP address assigned. What the hell, from what I have been told they have never had problems like this. I know the net was working at 10:30am for that was the last email I got. After that it seems to have just died. Very frustrating. How am I able to post this you ask? Easy... my laptop has wi-fi and this triple decker has other people in it using wi-fi. So I am basically borrowing a cup of bandwidth. I hope my arrival has not somehow damaged the time space internet continuum in this apartment.
-Daemian
OMG... Another 3 Posts in One Day Phenom!
Yes Chulos... 3 posts in one day... again! I haven't had this happen since my first post on blogger when I switched over from LiveJournal.
I just felt a need to post this. In a way I sort of feel like I may not want to try to quit smoking again just yet, but at the same time I feel like 'Hey no better time than the present!'.
So, I have a few smokes left in my pack and thought about just trying to drop it cold turkey. It is about as expensive to quit as it is to smoke with one exception. If you can successfully quit, the money that goes into quiting stops. While if you continue to smoke, the money that goes into smoking just continues. Then of course I have to keep in mind what we have learned from previous attempts to quit smoking. I have to set a quit date, I have to load up on gum and pot (LOL... takes the edge off) and I have to get into my 'stubborn' mindset.
So lets see... I want to have one last weekend of smoking and drinking fun... so how about this coming Monday? Can I handle working around smokers? I will eventually I have to work back door etc and have to deal with the smokers in the smoking area. Can I handle being friends with people who smoke? Tune in next week for the next dramatic episode of... 'To Stop A Smoker".
I drank so much this past week... I had to do a re-hydration routine. I have been drinking 9 - 12 glasses of water for the past 2 days. Urine is almost clear... meaning the crap I drank is just about out of my system. I avoid taking vitamins during a re-hydration so I am not fooled by the vitamins coloring. If I do go out tonight I think it will have to be under the influence of drinking Cranberry and Seltzer (looks like you are drinking a vodka and cran... so I don't have to look like a prude). Been going out at night trying to get used to a night lifestyle. Given my concentration is on working at night and trying desperately to get my business started during the day, it feels appropriate to just live at night. I may check out the 'MB' if I can figure out where the fuck it is. It is allegedly a good place to meet bears. Some eye candy wouldn't hurt right about now. But yeah whether I have to work or not I need to go out get my internal clock readjusted. Shit some really dense curtains to block out the light would help too.
I also wanted to thank you chulos for all of the emails and well wishes. I wish some of you would frikkin post them in the comments section, but hell I'll take it anyway I can get it. For those of you that have given me reason to have an inflated ego... thank you! LOL. I do enjoy reading about people thinking I am hot and interesting. Some of you... nice cock pics.. but c'mon... I'm a top. To those giving me contact info because you want a date, thank you but right now is not the best time. For 2 reasons, I can only concentrate on myself and 1 person at a time. But hey if it doesn't work out... maybe I will be on a date with one or two of you. Reason 2... I really like the one I am shooting for. Poohbear you are a sweetheart, don't let anyone else tell you differently. Yancopin, sweetie... I miss listening to you play the piano. Such great talent, you probably could have had me if you tried harder. :P Jaeryd, I think a big thank you and a bear hug (which I will give you next time I see you) should say it all. Especially given that you actually post in my frikkin comments area. Don't know what is with these guys. :-) Imin2bears... churl.. you better be careful of what you ask of me. You just might get it, then you'll be sprung. Bruce... my southern Louisiana gentleman, I am sorry I did not say good bye before I left. You were one of my first friends in NYC when I moved there. I do appreciate that you keep up on my blog and that you understand the hows and whys. You have been an insider in the relationship almost from day one. I had to leave before you got back and you know I wasn't about to fly to Amsterdam just to say goodbye to you on your vacation. Come up and visit tho.
Ok.. I think that is all the thank yous I need to give. If I missed anyone... shoot me. :P
-Daemian
I just felt a need to post this. In a way I sort of feel like I may not want to try to quit smoking again just yet, but at the same time I feel like 'Hey no better time than the present!'.
So, I have a few smokes left in my pack and thought about just trying to drop it cold turkey. It is about as expensive to quit as it is to smoke with one exception. If you can successfully quit, the money that goes into quiting stops. While if you continue to smoke, the money that goes into smoking just continues. Then of course I have to keep in mind what we have learned from previous attempts to quit smoking. I have to set a quit date, I have to load up on gum and pot (LOL... takes the edge off) and I have to get into my 'stubborn' mindset.
So lets see... I want to have one last weekend of smoking and drinking fun... so how about this coming Monday? Can I handle working around smokers? I will eventually I have to work back door etc and have to deal with the smokers in the smoking area. Can I handle being friends with people who smoke? Tune in next week for the next dramatic episode of... 'To Stop A Smoker".
I drank so much this past week... I had to do a re-hydration routine. I have been drinking 9 - 12 glasses of water for the past 2 days. Urine is almost clear... meaning the crap I drank is just about out of my system. I avoid taking vitamins during a re-hydration so I am not fooled by the vitamins coloring. If I do go out tonight I think it will have to be under the influence of drinking Cranberry and Seltzer (looks like you are drinking a vodka and cran... so I don't have to look like a prude). Been going out at night trying to get used to a night lifestyle. Given my concentration is on working at night and trying desperately to get my business started during the day, it feels appropriate to just live at night. I may check out the 'MB' if I can figure out where the fuck it is. It is allegedly a good place to meet bears. Some eye candy wouldn't hurt right about now. But yeah whether I have to work or not I need to go out get my internal clock readjusted. Shit some really dense curtains to block out the light would help too.
I also wanted to thank you chulos for all of the emails and well wishes. I wish some of you would frikkin post them in the comments section, but hell I'll take it anyway I can get it. For those of you that have given me reason to have an inflated ego... thank you! LOL. I do enjoy reading about people thinking I am hot and interesting. Some of you... nice cock pics.. but c'mon... I'm a top. To those giving me contact info because you want a date, thank you but right now is not the best time. For 2 reasons, I can only concentrate on myself and 1 person at a time. But hey if it doesn't work out... maybe I will be on a date with one or two of you. Reason 2... I really like the one I am shooting for. Poohbear you are a sweetheart, don't let anyone else tell you differently. Yancopin, sweetie... I miss listening to you play the piano. Such great talent, you probably could have had me if you tried harder. :P Jaeryd, I think a big thank you and a bear hug (which I will give you next time I see you) should say it all. Especially given that you actually post in my frikkin comments area. Don't know what is with these guys. :-) Imin2bears... churl.. you better be careful of what you ask of me. You just might get it, then you'll be sprung. Bruce... my southern Louisiana gentleman, I am sorry I did not say good bye before I left. You were one of my first friends in NYC when I moved there. I do appreciate that you keep up on my blog and that you understand the hows and whys. You have been an insider in the relationship almost from day one. I had to leave before you got back and you know I wasn't about to fly to Amsterdam just to say goodbye to you on your vacation. Come up and visit tho.
Ok.. I think that is all the thank yous I need to give. If I missed anyone... shoot me. :P
-Daemian
Getting Back Into The Old Routine... Just a Bit Different!
Well, I have no way to get to the NYSC that is in Boston. Won't have a way for a while. SO I had to cancel the membership. This makes Daemian a sad panda. :( But all hope is not lost... oh no. I learned something VERY valuable from my old trainer, whom by the way was so hot that most times I just watched his mouth move. That valuable something is that EVERYWHERE is your gym. There are ways to build strength and muscle that can never be taken away from you.
Push ups, sit ups, leg extensions on the bed, using 2 chairs for dips, use your stairs for cardio, get some weights. Well I got up this morning... made my blog post then started my routine. I had 2 glasses of water, did my push ups, my sit ups my dips. I have got to get my hands on some free weights. While I feel good after having done a few sets I feel the need to use weights. Why do I feel so fucking good today? Sleep, exercise, a clear mind... now I need some protein. Write to you chulos later!
-Daemian
Push ups, sit ups, leg extensions on the bed, using 2 chairs for dips, use your stairs for cardio, get some weights. Well I got up this morning... made my blog post then started my routine. I had 2 glasses of water, did my push ups, my sit ups my dips. I have got to get my hands on some free weights. While I feel good after having done a few sets I feel the need to use weights. Why do I feel so fucking good today? Sleep, exercise, a clear mind... now I need some protein. Write to you chulos later!
-Daemian
Overthinking, a Good Nights Sleep and Internet Glee...
(This is a massive edit to the original post)
I do tend to over think, over evaluate, over everything a situation and my actions. I don't like 'not knowing'. I don't like 'not being sure'. It's what makes me a bad gambler... I simply won't make the 'bet' if I do not think the odds are in my favor by some huge amount.
Then I make a choice, but of course... once I make a choice I have to sit down and figure the odds of it being the correct thing to do.
C and I made plans to have him come over and check out the room and a movie today. I don't think he will show up tho. I may have, in the cloud my mind has been in lately, scared him off. No hard feelings of course, just thwarted intentions. I don't think I will call him, he's a big boy. I can only hope that I get lucky and lightning strikes twice for me. I will just have to wait and see.
A good nights sleep can sometimes clear your mind of a lot of fog. Since I got here I have not had a good nights/days sleep. It's been really cold in my room and I only had a fucking sheet. Well my 'Hag in Training' gained some gigantic brownie points. She gave me a blanket and my oh my does this thing get me toastie. So last night I actually slept all the way through the night. Can sleep dep. make you insane and lose focus? I say yes. I lost focus of a lot and after having slept through the night finally without the shivers waking me up every 10 - 15 minutes... I feel lik eI have regained that focus. I feel energized. Ready to take on just about anything. Amazing what letting your mind and body rest, recuperate and rebuild can do for you.
During the course of this blog you guys have seen that I reference the past 2 years of my life as a journey of self discovery. That I had re-embraced my eastern childhood lessons and was finding myself. Well ever since I broke up with Mike (sleep dep making it worse) I had lost sight of that. I hadn't given myself the credit I was due. I failed to recognize that in the past 2 years I discovered who I am. That in discovering who I am I learned to love myself. In learning to love myself I saw I had to end my unhealthy relationship. In ending my unhealthy relationship I almost lost sight of 2 years worth of work. In revitalizing my mind I have regained my focus and clarity. I came a long way in 2 years and took a huge leap in going on 2 months. I am confident that I know who I am and what I am about. I hadn't given myself enough credit. Well I am giving myself that credit now. The pat on the back I fucking deserve.
Well, I slept... I slept well. I feel good. I have regained my focus. Sober and all. Jaeryd is right in a sense. I don't need someone in my life... I want someone in my life. In the past 2 years (journey of self) I have learned a lot. One thing is that I am not the type to be single. It's just who I am and what I like. But I am just fine on my own. In those 2 years I learned that while I am a horny motherfucker, if I could fuck 3 - 4 times a day without my balls hurting... I'd be in heaven, it is something I can control.
That I am going to have sex in the context of a relationship out of a personal choice is something I decided a long time ago and rediscovered the reason last month. I had done something with someone out of the context of a relationship as a newly single guy and I didn't like it. The same feeling I got at 18 I had again at 28. You know what they say... the more things change the more they stay the same. I have changed in my love and appreciation of myself, but the core of what makes me tick. The things that motivate me. The things that drive me to seek a companion. Those things have not changed. There is comfort in knowing that I really do know who I am and what I am about. That is more than most guys my age or in my situation can say about themselves. In a way I was prepared to make the leap I made. The past 2 years prepared me for it.
Does this mean sex outside the context of a relationship while single will not happen? Of course not, I am human. I am a man. I am horny. I will try to have the courage of my convictions tho.
On a less serious note... we got the internet back! Woohoo! The DNS servers for us were static, but then comcast decided to switch to dynamic DNS without saying anything. So of course the static DNS servers got hosed and boom we lost internet. Thought it was one of the neighbors mistaking our wi-fi for theirs. Not malicious it happens. So I secured the wi-fi, secured the router and Joe got on the phone with comcasy. Of course comcast had him do everything I already did and then comcast fiigured out that the DNS servers got hosed. So it is fixed now and all is right once again in internet land. Yay! I am an internet addict and without my fix bad things happen. Like I break my dick watching porn I have saved on my computer.
LOL... believe it or not, I enjoyed fixing it. It was like "ooh a puzzle!'. Maybe I should try to work for comcast. Seems they need Mac Techs there.
-Daemian
P.S. I am sorry for not being more open with you Jaeryd. Forgive me?
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Scary Realizations...
You know, sometimes a healthy event can scare the living shit out of you. I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom, came back to bed, got up again when I could not get to sleep, had a smoke, came back inside, fixed the wi-fi network and then it hit me. So far every time I go out for a smoke I think about Mike. I didn't think about him this time. I slept through the night, with not a dream about him. Does this mean I am really detaching? I read one of his emails he sent to me and instead of tearing up... I was able to just read it. I think it is too soon to talk to him on the phone for fear of a healing wound being re-opened.
Does this mean I no longer love him? Of course not. I will always love him. Does this mean I am done hurting? I mean I did spend one month actually being single, I found out the person I became. I realize what it is I need in my life right now. I expect a relationship to be something uplifting. I expect to feel love when I see someone, not anger or resentment. I expect emotional openness. Emotions do not consist of just anger and happiness, there is a broad range and I need someone who can readily express them all to me. I am an emotional guy and expect emotional support. Let me in and I will be yours. I need encouragement. I am in a very volatile position right now having to start over from scratch. So I have to relearn how to depend on others for help. The last thing I want to do is to have to call mom and beg for cash. It takes a bit of pride swallowing to do that. I need someone who can put my mind at ease about it, to let me know it is ok to ask for help. That it doesn't change who I am or how they see me. I need someone who CAN be there for me... do not forsake me and I am yours.
Right now I don't want to be me. I need someone who will help me want to be me. (I tend to get depressed easily and I recognize that so don't think I am going to go jumping off a bridge) It's not the time to break down and I need someone in my life that can help lift me... not refuse to lift me.
His problems needs to be our problems. Be there to lift me and I will be there to lift you. I want to be able to freely show my love and all I have to offer. I don't want to be ashamed of my body, my face, my problems. I want to give someone the power to be great. I want to give someone the power to enhance my happiness, not looking for someone to MAKE me happy... only I can do that.
Does that person even exist? I hope so.
God I am such a hopeless romantic. A single rose and a stolen kiss... a stroke on the nape of the neck, an opened door, a lite for my cigarette, a look in my eyes.
I liked being in a relationship... regardless of how unhealthy it was.. I enjoyed the companionship, conversation etc.. I know that the person I became is someone who NEEDS to give love. I am someone that wants and needs someone to love. I don't quite like being single. I do like having living spaces be separate, but I don't like not having someone to express my feelings to. Someone to share my deepest desires and secrets. So scary realization right there is that I am a Cancer. A family man, a homebody... someone who can administer an immeasurable amount of pelasure and love to those I care about. Being single does not suit me and I realize now that it never did. That is the reason I was a slutty teenager and wanted to experience it all so I could settle down early and be happy with someone for a longer period of time.
I am a wounded animal that is having a surprisingly speedy recovery, and the scariest realization was that... I am fine.
-Daemian
Does this mean I no longer love him? Of course not. I will always love him. Does this mean I am done hurting? I mean I did spend one month actually being single, I found out the person I became. I realize what it is I need in my life right now. I expect a relationship to be something uplifting. I expect to feel love when I see someone, not anger or resentment. I expect emotional openness. Emotions do not consist of just anger and happiness, there is a broad range and I need someone who can readily express them all to me. I am an emotional guy and expect emotional support. Let me in and I will be yours. I need encouragement. I am in a very volatile position right now having to start over from scratch. So I have to relearn how to depend on others for help. The last thing I want to do is to have to call mom and beg for cash. It takes a bit of pride swallowing to do that. I need someone who can put my mind at ease about it, to let me know it is ok to ask for help. That it doesn't change who I am or how they see me. I need someone who CAN be there for me... do not forsake me and I am yours.
Right now I don't want to be me. I need someone who will help me want to be me. (I tend to get depressed easily and I recognize that so don't think I am going to go jumping off a bridge) It's not the time to break down and I need someone in my life that can help lift me... not refuse to lift me.
His problems needs to be our problems. Be there to lift me and I will be there to lift you. I want to be able to freely show my love and all I have to offer. I don't want to be ashamed of my body, my face, my problems. I want to give someone the power to be great. I want to give someone the power to enhance my happiness, not looking for someone to MAKE me happy... only I can do that.
Does that person even exist? I hope so.
God I am such a hopeless romantic. A single rose and a stolen kiss... a stroke on the nape of the neck, an opened door, a lite for my cigarette, a look in my eyes.
I liked being in a relationship... regardless of how unhealthy it was.. I enjoyed the companionship, conversation etc.. I know that the person I became is someone who NEEDS to give love. I am someone that wants and needs someone to love. I don't quite like being single. I do like having living spaces be separate, but I don't like not having someone to express my feelings to. Someone to share my deepest desires and secrets. So scary realization right there is that I am a Cancer. A family man, a homebody... someone who can administer an immeasurable amount of pelasure and love to those I care about. Being single does not suit me and I realize now that it never did. That is the reason I was a slutty teenager and wanted to experience it all so I could settle down early and be happy with someone for a longer period of time.
I am a wounded animal that is having a surprisingly speedy recovery, and the scariest realization was that... I am fine.
-Daemian
Monday, January 7, 2008
The Barracks...
As promised he is a picture of the new bed. As you can see from the picture the wall is a kind of... ewwwwww... color. Makes me feel like I am laying in the ICU. So that has got to change... I just don't have the head for this type of shit. You would think that with my being a graphic designer and all that coming up with something like creating a bedroom would be easy. Nope... sorry.. I don't have the Martha Stewart gene. I need Queer Eye for the Queer Guy!
I love the way the bed looks tho. Masculine design, with slightly 'non-masculine' curves and the black powder finish with the faux twisted bars makes for a macho feel with a slightly goth .... something. :P Jaeryd picked it out and it had the nerve to be $50 less than my first choice which was waaayyy to femme in hindsight.
I need curtains or blinds, a desk for FrankenMac (poor guy.. in the pic FrankenMac is on the floor with the monitor on the boxes I hadn't unpacked) a bookshelf or some sort of shelving and pictures for my walls. Maybe the do it yourself picture frames with some of my artwork in it. I don't know what style I should go for. Truth be told I am very 'spartan'. I don't need much I don't spend lavishly on furnishings etc. You could almost just put me in a white room with the bare minimum to make life easier and I am good. So we shall see how my newly found decor professionals handle my spartan personality and style and meld it with that 'gay flare' I need so badly.
- Daemian
I love the way the bed looks tho. Masculine design, with slightly 'non-masculine' curves and the black powder finish with the faux twisted bars makes for a macho feel with a slightly goth .... something. :P Jaeryd picked it out and it had the nerve to be $50 less than my first choice which was waaayyy to femme in hindsight.
I need curtains or blinds, a desk for FrankenMac (poor guy.. in the pic FrankenMac is on the floor with the monitor on the boxes I hadn't unpacked) a bookshelf or some sort of shelving and pictures for my walls. Maybe the do it yourself picture frames with some of my artwork in it. I don't know what style I should go for. Truth be told I am very 'spartan'. I don't need much I don't spend lavishly on furnishings etc. You could almost just put me in a white room with the bare minimum to make life easier and I am good. So we shall see how my newly found decor professionals handle my spartan personality and style and meld it with that 'gay flare' I need so badly.
- Daemian
Saturday, January 5, 2008
I Talk a Good Game...
I talk a good game. You know "Hey everybody! I am here and I am fine and let me find someone to make the happiest man in the world at least for one night!", is the good game I talk. Last night I got some seriously needed ego boosting. I could have gone home with at least 4 different guys last night. Shocked to say the least at the reaction I got. Instead... I realized something. When I was a teenager, empty meaningless sex was great. I had never made love before... I was merely fucking.
I know what it means to have sex that means something. Everytime I was able to have sex with Mike it meant something. So now that line I used to have... a very distinct line drawn between love and sex... is blurred. I could have done any of those guys, easily. But when it came down to it, I'd rather give my cock to someone who deserves it. I went on a "breakfast date" today. The guy was nice... he was cute... had an ass you could bounce ME off of and I would have liked to have had sex with him. But there was something about him. That connection that would make the sex fantastic instead of just good was missing. We were sexually attracted to each other... but I need more than that.
I guess once you taste blood you want more. I tasted sex with meaning, going back to sex without meaning just does not appeal to me.
But hey.. I WENT OUT ON A DATE! Makes me one step closer to getting my hair cleaned of 10yrs of cobwebs.
Details... well there aren't many. I have been in communication with a fellow from Match.com over the past month. Remember I only went to Match.com in retaliation of what Mike was doing in regards to personals and stuff. But he sent me a wink... he was damn sexy and taller than me no less. We sent messages back and forth and then I gave him my cell number. Well he called me at like 9am. You know I was slightly pissed. But he said he was sorry to call so early but that he was in Worcester taking care of some errands he had and wanted to know if I would be interested in our first date being breakfast. Well I said SURE, I shot up, showered but didn't shave (it's cold up here) got dressed and he was here in about 30 minutes. We went to some restaurant I don't remember the name of, I was still half asleep, and had breakfast. The entire time he was smiling and I am sure I was too.
Then he touched my leg. While I did get a tad excited I had to tell him that I didn't know him well enough to be comfortable :
a) to bring him to my place with my roommates after only having been here 3 days. Can someone say WHORE? I am sure my Blanche Deveroux like side will come back at some point just not now.
b) to have sex with him that would have no meaning. Don't want to fuck him and have it be wrong. I am not the same person I was 10yrs ago. 10yrs ago.. sure no problem. Bounce on it and all. But the me that has grown up 10yrs... says nah... maybe we need a second or third date before I give up my jumbo sized churizo (churizo's are pretty small so for me it'd have to be my jumbo sized churizo, not bragging just fact)
So what does all this mean? It means I have changed as a person and the things the younger single me would have done holds no water now. I need sex to mean something. That spark that Jaeryd always talks about, I understand it tho in a somewhat different relation . I need the spark to make the sex worth putting my feelings on the line. I know I sound like a prude... I am not I swear it. I am actually the biggest pervert you will ever meet with the largest porn collection you have ever seen. But I think it means that I am relationship oriented in true Cancer fashion. I don't want to give my Jumbo Sized Churizo to just anyone. I want to give it to a friend, a companion... someone who really could be my partner. I just don't know who that someone is yet.
So I will go out, have a good time and I am sure the urges of the flesh with put me out there once or twice. But I know what I am looking for. Well my bed has arrived and I will take a picture of it and post it. They are bringing the pieces in now so I must end this post.
-Daemian
As
I know what it means to have sex that means something. Everytime I was able to have sex with Mike it meant something. So now that line I used to have... a very distinct line drawn between love and sex... is blurred. I could have done any of those guys, easily. But when it came down to it, I'd rather give my cock to someone who deserves it. I went on a "breakfast date" today. The guy was nice... he was cute... had an ass you could bounce ME off of and I would have liked to have had sex with him. But there was something about him. That connection that would make the sex fantastic instead of just good was missing. We were sexually attracted to each other... but I need more than that.
I guess once you taste blood you want more. I tasted sex with meaning, going back to sex without meaning just does not appeal to me.
But hey.. I WENT OUT ON A DATE! Makes me one step closer to getting my hair cleaned of 10yrs of cobwebs.
Details... well there aren't many. I have been in communication with a fellow from Match.com over the past month. Remember I only went to Match.com in retaliation of what Mike was doing in regards to personals and stuff. But he sent me a wink... he was damn sexy and taller than me no less. We sent messages back and forth and then I gave him my cell number. Well he called me at like 9am. You know I was slightly pissed. But he said he was sorry to call so early but that he was in Worcester taking care of some errands he had and wanted to know if I would be interested in our first date being breakfast. Well I said SURE, I shot up, showered but didn't shave (it's cold up here) got dressed and he was here in about 30 minutes. We went to some restaurant I don't remember the name of, I was still half asleep, and had breakfast. The entire time he was smiling and I am sure I was too.
Then he touched my leg. While I did get a tad excited I had to tell him that I didn't know him well enough to be comfortable :
a) to bring him to my place with my roommates after only having been here 3 days. Can someone say WHORE? I am sure my Blanche Deveroux like side will come back at some point just not now.
b) to have sex with him that would have no meaning. Don't want to fuck him and have it be wrong. I am not the same person I was 10yrs ago. 10yrs ago.. sure no problem. Bounce on it and all. But the me that has grown up 10yrs... says nah... maybe we need a second or third date before I give up my jumbo sized churizo (churizo's are pretty small so for me it'd have to be my jumbo sized churizo, not bragging just fact)
So what does all this mean? It means I have changed as a person and the things the younger single me would have done holds no water now. I need sex to mean something. That spark that Jaeryd always talks about, I understand it tho in a somewhat different relation . I need the spark to make the sex worth putting my feelings on the line. I know I sound like a prude... I am not I swear it. I am actually the biggest pervert you will ever meet with the largest porn collection you have ever seen. But I think it means that I am relationship oriented in true Cancer fashion. I don't want to give my Jumbo Sized Churizo to just anyone. I want to give it to a friend, a companion... someone who really could be my partner. I just don't know who that someone is yet.
So I will go out, have a good time and I am sure the urges of the flesh with put me out there once or twice. But I know what I am looking for. Well my bed has arrived and I will take a picture of it and post it. They are bringing the pieces in now so I must end this post.
-Daemian
As
Friday, January 4, 2008
I Have Come!
So I have come to Worcester. The drive up here was actually very speedy. I think we were only on the road for about 2 - 3 hours. 3 hours is pushing it even. The new roommates are pretty cool.
Joe is a tall one, sorta reminds me of Mike in his manner of speaking. It's odd that my straight male roommate reminds me of my ex.
Ash is a total sweetheart. Pierced and all... and damn is she tall. She and I are going to have a fucking ball. I think I am in for a wild ride with this gal. She reminds me of Brianne. Very out going and vibrant.
My room is a sickly blue color... that has to change. Apparently I know people in home decor. I didn't even know I knew people in home decor. But I was filled in last night, totally had to pretend like I knew the entire time tho. I didn't want to get another "Bad Homo!". But... now don't tell anyone this... whenever I hear Home Depot or Lowes my mind immediately goes to wood. Get your head out of the gutter bitches... I mean lumber. I am used to going to places like that to get stuff to build shit with. Not really familiar with their home decor section. I know, I know... "Bad Homo!". I have a lot to learn I see. But that being said... I have got to paint that damn room. Maroon, maybe a nice rich baige and brown? I don't know but that Blue color has got to go. Oooh maybe a nice cherry wood color or deep walnut.
I bought a bed last night, I will post a picture of it when it arrives on Saturday. It looks pretty sweet too. I had originally wanted the Camelot metal bed, but Jaeryd felt it was kind of... well... femme. This is why I love shopping with Jaeryd. I have no sense of balance. I either get wayyy too femme or waayyy too masculine items. Never that balance that is gay. Well Jaeryd picked out one hell of a bed that was actually $50 less than my first choice. It is very masculine with a very soft feel and made of metal. It felt VERY sturdy and I had to let Jaeryd know... I need a sturdy bed. The reasons why I would hope are obvious. But if they are not, regardless of the role I am playing ( be it dom top or sub top) I like passionate, voracious, fairly kinky.... you know... the S_ _ word. :P (note: I am not really a prude, I just thought it was funny)
Spent more money on it than I had originally intended. I planned on spending no more than $550 for the frame, headboard, footboard and the mattress set. Instead I ended up spending $632. $82 over my intent. To top it all off... Linen n Things. $68 spent there on 2 pillows and a sheet set. No blanket. I should have bought a cheap ass blanket from the cheapo store in Astoria before I left. I still need a desk. I think I may have found an OK desk on craigs list for about $100. If I get lucky I might be able to find a cheaper one. I don't need anything too intense. Maybe another trip to Ikea is in order.
Went to Blu last night. Filled out the application n shit. Had 3 drinks. It was pretty dead there as we were early. Didn't stay long, Jaeryd had to work and I was sorta feeling like I just wanted to acclimate to my new home. With any luck I will hear from them tonight. If I do.. woohoo!
On to Mike. He sent me an email at about 2am. I was already asleep, sort of so I did not see it until I unearthed my laptop this morning. He says the apartment feels hollow without me there. That he still loves me and hopes I come home. I don't know how to feel about this. Being taken for granted for so long. Being sexually and emotionally starved for so long. Having him take a swing at me and miss (in a sense, not the violence but the act that lost my trust in him). We both need to grow up and I know that if I turned back now... it would just be more of the same. I need more than that. I need emotional support. I need sexual gratification. I need more than he has ever given me. I am not leaving it out of the question that he and I may some day he and I will get back together. If we are both single and have made the changes in ourselves we needed to make... sure. But we do not know what tomorrow brings. I know I am a damn good catch with a damn good amount to offer outside of my bangin' dingaling and not too hard on the eyes either. So who knows, someone who is a better fit for me may come along and snatch me right up. He'd be a fool not to. I am not perfect. Far from it. But I know I am a good, honorable, cute, long and strong man.
Mike is trying to get laid as soon as possible. I don't know if that is good for him or not. Truth be told I had 6 months of torment regarding what ultimately ended in Nov. I have had one month to get out all of my tears. I am ok with this now. My only concern for him is his mind and his wellbeing. I don't know if I feel jealous. I don't think I do.
So Worcester, MA... I have arrived!
-Daemian
Joe is a tall one, sorta reminds me of Mike in his manner of speaking. It's odd that my straight male roommate reminds me of my ex.
Ash is a total sweetheart. Pierced and all... and damn is she tall. She and I are going to have a fucking ball. I think I am in for a wild ride with this gal. She reminds me of Brianne. Very out going and vibrant.
My room is a sickly blue color... that has to change. Apparently I know people in home decor. I didn't even know I knew people in home decor. But I was filled in last night, totally had to pretend like I knew the entire time tho. I didn't want to get another "Bad Homo!". But... now don't tell anyone this... whenever I hear Home Depot or Lowes my mind immediately goes to wood. Get your head out of the gutter bitches... I mean lumber. I am used to going to places like that to get stuff to build shit with. Not really familiar with their home decor section. I know, I know... "Bad Homo!". I have a lot to learn I see. But that being said... I have got to paint that damn room. Maroon, maybe a nice rich baige and brown? I don't know but that Blue color has got to go. Oooh maybe a nice cherry wood color or deep walnut.
I bought a bed last night, I will post a picture of it when it arrives on Saturday. It looks pretty sweet too. I had originally wanted the Camelot metal bed, but Jaeryd felt it was kind of... well... femme. This is why I love shopping with Jaeryd. I have no sense of balance. I either get wayyy too femme or waayyy too masculine items. Never that balance that is gay. Well Jaeryd picked out one hell of a bed that was actually $50 less than my first choice. It is very masculine with a very soft feel and made of metal. It felt VERY sturdy and I had to let Jaeryd know... I need a sturdy bed. The reasons why I would hope are obvious. But if they are not, regardless of the role I am playing ( be it dom top or sub top) I like passionate, voracious, fairly kinky.... you know... the S_ _ word. :P (note: I am not really a prude, I just thought it was funny)
Spent more money on it than I had originally intended. I planned on spending no more than $550 for the frame, headboard, footboard and the mattress set. Instead I ended up spending $632. $82 over my intent. To top it all off... Linen n Things. $68 spent there on 2 pillows and a sheet set. No blanket. I should have bought a cheap ass blanket from the cheapo store in Astoria before I left. I still need a desk. I think I may have found an OK desk on craigs list for about $100. If I get lucky I might be able to find a cheaper one. I don't need anything too intense. Maybe another trip to Ikea is in order.
Went to Blu last night. Filled out the application n shit. Had 3 drinks. It was pretty dead there as we were early. Didn't stay long, Jaeryd had to work and I was sorta feeling like I just wanted to acclimate to my new home. With any luck I will hear from them tonight. If I do.. woohoo!
On to Mike. He sent me an email at about 2am. I was already asleep, sort of so I did not see it until I unearthed my laptop this morning. He says the apartment feels hollow without me there. That he still loves me and hopes I come home. I don't know how to feel about this. Being taken for granted for so long. Being sexually and emotionally starved for so long. Having him take a swing at me and miss (in a sense, not the violence but the act that lost my trust in him). We both need to grow up and I know that if I turned back now... it would just be more of the same. I need more than that. I need emotional support. I need sexual gratification. I need more than he has ever given me. I am not leaving it out of the question that he and I may some day he and I will get back together. If we are both single and have made the changes in ourselves we needed to make... sure. But we do not know what tomorrow brings. I know I am a damn good catch with a damn good amount to offer outside of my bangin' dingaling and not too hard on the eyes either. So who knows, someone who is a better fit for me may come along and snatch me right up. He'd be a fool not to. I am not perfect. Far from it. But I know I am a good, honorable, cute, long and strong man.
Mike is trying to get laid as soon as possible. I don't know if that is good for him or not. Truth be told I had 6 months of torment regarding what ultimately ended in Nov. I have had one month to get out all of my tears. I am ok with this now. My only concern for him is his mind and his wellbeing. I don't know if I feel jealous. I don't think I do.
So Worcester, MA... I have arrived!
-Daemian
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
January 2nd... Time is Running Out!
Time waits for no man. We would all like to think we are just special enough, that just for us time would slow down or even stop. I am hours away from having to leave NYC behind. As painful as this month has been, it has gone by VERY fast. I have learned a lot in the past month... more than I have learned on this entire 2 year long journey I have been on. I never thought, 2 years ago, that when I started the journey of self that it would have this as a twist. I think this was my test. In 2 years I have grown. Grown fearless to live life, grown even more responsible for my actions, grown to understand me.
This month long break up has tested everything I thought I had come to understand. It tested my fearlessness. It tested it, broke it then forced me to awaken to a realization. It was not fearlessness I learned... it was courage. Courage is doing what is right or facing adversity even though you ARE scared. It is ok to be scared, it is NOT ok to back down and run away because you are scared. I am terrified of being alone, terrified that I had made the wrong choice. But now I know. I know I made the right choice and that yes moving to a new place, with new people and new challenges is frightening but that if I can get through this past month... I can face anything no matter how painful or scared I am. Face your fear!
It tested my sense of responsibility. Made me realize that utilizing the courage I can stand in the face of fear and opposition and STILL get the job done and come out of it all smelling like roses. I mainly stayed here for the month of December for two reasons. Reason 1, I had an obligation to at least try to settle the rent debt we had incurred when I was unemployed (Mike was unemployed too, but what else was new. He spent a lot of time unemployed.). Did we settle the rent debt? No. But I can say I stayed here and toughed it out to try. Reason 2, it was Christmas time. My former place of employment is absolutely insane during that time of year. My job as their tech is VERY important during that time. Computers break down, shipping needs to be done, web orders need to be pulled and even though it is not my job.. cases of wine needed to be moved around.... a lot. I could not leave them that way, if I had the holidays would have been an absolute disaster.
So in the face of fear and pain I mustered the courage to be responsible and honorable. If you haven't guessed by now honor is very important to me. I get to say I left NYC, made an impact on people, will be fondly remembered and will always have a home here.
As far as understanding 'me' goes... I thought I had a very good grip on who I am. I thought I knew... but I didn't. Until now that is. I understand why my self esteem went to the crapper. I understand where my jealousy came from. I understand what it is I NEED in a partner. I finally understand.
There is always more to learn. One other thing I guess I learned during this last month is that my 2 year long journey is not over. The newest lesson I learned this month is that I can control everything I think is wrong or bad about me. I can control it, manipulate it and use it. I know I am not hideous, I am not the grand prize but I am a damn good man and a damn good catch. Anyone would be a fool to not snatch me up as soon as they can. I have a lot to offer a partner. I know that my sense of honor won't wane. I tried... it doesn't work. I will always be an honorable man. One who does the right thing despite my own best interests. My hero complex is something to be proud of. Not many people have it. Even fewer know what to do with it if they did have it. I was actually rather embarrassed about my hero complex. It was always so hokey... my need to protect people. My jealousy... thats an interesting one. I have not gained full control over it, but I can recognize when it is happening. When I see it happening I just calm myself down, clear my head and then evaluate the situation and if it really warrants my being jealous. If it does... then I will be jealous... if it doesn't then I am fine.
I have grown so much in the past 2 years. It is a shame that Mike has to miss the end result when it finally comes. This past month has hurt, has frightened and has hardened me... but it did not destroy me. I can go on and be fine. I know there are more opportunities out there for me. I know my own story does not end tomorrow. In fact, it may be just beginning.
Learn, Live and Love.
-Daemian
This month long break up has tested everything I thought I had come to understand. It tested my fearlessness. It tested it, broke it then forced me to awaken to a realization. It was not fearlessness I learned... it was courage. Courage is doing what is right or facing adversity even though you ARE scared. It is ok to be scared, it is NOT ok to back down and run away because you are scared. I am terrified of being alone, terrified that I had made the wrong choice. But now I know. I know I made the right choice and that yes moving to a new place, with new people and new challenges is frightening but that if I can get through this past month... I can face anything no matter how painful or scared I am. Face your fear!
It tested my sense of responsibility. Made me realize that utilizing the courage I can stand in the face of fear and opposition and STILL get the job done and come out of it all smelling like roses. I mainly stayed here for the month of December for two reasons. Reason 1, I had an obligation to at least try to settle the rent debt we had incurred when I was unemployed (Mike was unemployed too, but what else was new. He spent a lot of time unemployed.). Did we settle the rent debt? No. But I can say I stayed here and toughed it out to try. Reason 2, it was Christmas time. My former place of employment is absolutely insane during that time of year. My job as their tech is VERY important during that time. Computers break down, shipping needs to be done, web orders need to be pulled and even though it is not my job.. cases of wine needed to be moved around.... a lot. I could not leave them that way, if I had the holidays would have been an absolute disaster.
So in the face of fear and pain I mustered the courage to be responsible and honorable. If you haven't guessed by now honor is very important to me. I get to say I left NYC, made an impact on people, will be fondly remembered and will always have a home here.
As far as understanding 'me' goes... I thought I had a very good grip on who I am. I thought I knew... but I didn't. Until now that is. I understand why my self esteem went to the crapper. I understand where my jealousy came from. I understand what it is I NEED in a partner. I finally understand.
There is always more to learn. One other thing I guess I learned during this last month is that my 2 year long journey is not over. The newest lesson I learned this month is that I can control everything I think is wrong or bad about me. I can control it, manipulate it and use it. I know I am not hideous, I am not the grand prize but I am a damn good man and a damn good catch. Anyone would be a fool to not snatch me up as soon as they can. I have a lot to offer a partner. I know that my sense of honor won't wane. I tried... it doesn't work. I will always be an honorable man. One who does the right thing despite my own best interests. My hero complex is something to be proud of. Not many people have it. Even fewer know what to do with it if they did have it. I was actually rather embarrassed about my hero complex. It was always so hokey... my need to protect people. My jealousy... thats an interesting one. I have not gained full control over it, but I can recognize when it is happening. When I see it happening I just calm myself down, clear my head and then evaluate the situation and if it really warrants my being jealous. If it does... then I will be jealous... if it doesn't then I am fine.
I have grown so much in the past 2 years. It is a shame that Mike has to miss the end result when it finally comes. This past month has hurt, has frightened and has hardened me... but it did not destroy me. I can go on and be fine. I know there are more opportunities out there for me. I know my own story does not end tomorrow. In fact, it may be just beginning.
Learn, Live and Love.
-Daemian
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Happy New Year...
The more things change, the more they stay the same. I was actually rather happy to ring in the New Year here at home with Mike. It felt warm, familiar... as if we were the only two people in this world. I also got REALLY wasted! I drank 2 6 packs of Corona... by myself. I have spent a lot of this month intoxicated. Trying to not feel what's going on. Trying to not feel. Last night I think I drank way too much.
I do remember this much.... I did not get "Whiskey Dick". Mike and I did "do the nasty" last night. 3 times last night. I don't know how I feel about that. Is it confusing? Sure. Does it only reattach me? Sure. Does it change what is going to happen within 2 days time? No.
That is the confusing part. I mean I wasn't so drunk that I don't remember the sex. I do. I hadn't plowed ANYONE that hard, that fast, the feverish and that passionately in over 10yrs. I mean... wow, I shocked myself with the performance. As the ball dropped all I could do was lay my head on his chest and cry. This is our last New Years Eve together.
Of course as expected but slightly different he sent mixed messages of his own. Shortly after our second trist he says, "It's strange, by this time next year I may be someones collared slave.". Ummmm... don't fuck me then say shit like that. Did I need to hear that? No. Did I need to know that he was seeking that type of relationship that I love him too much to give him? I guess I did need to know that. I needed to know that because even tho I fucked the daylights out of him (I was VERY rough, very dominant and very intimidating... even a lil' choking... it got intense) that I still could not go to the frontier he needs to go to. I guess I did need to know that. I guess I needed to know that despite all that is good/was good about our relationship, there will always be this big threat going against us both. His needs versus My needs which are on opposite sides of the spectrum. His desires are something he didn't ever deal with and they were strong enough to warrant infidelity. My desires and my torn down sense of self are things that were driving me away and had me ALMOST screw someone else.
These are things we need to work out before entering a relationship with someone else. I need to make like Stella and get my groove back, he needs to make like a gimp and be caged and tortured.
I think we can be friends after we get over the break up. Our friendship is very important. For 10yrs we had been best friends. We shall see how the time will heal us. I can only hope for the best for him. Hope that he remains safe and sane, doesn't incur too many physical scars from his 'quest'.
Happy New Year Chulos! Let's all hope 2008 will bring prosperity and a new heart!
-Daemian
I do remember this much.... I did not get "Whiskey Dick". Mike and I did "do the nasty" last night. 3 times last night. I don't know how I feel about that. Is it confusing? Sure. Does it only reattach me? Sure. Does it change what is going to happen within 2 days time? No.
That is the confusing part. I mean I wasn't so drunk that I don't remember the sex. I do. I hadn't plowed ANYONE that hard, that fast, the feverish and that passionately in over 10yrs. I mean... wow, I shocked myself with the performance. As the ball dropped all I could do was lay my head on his chest and cry. This is our last New Years Eve together.
Of course as expected but slightly different he sent mixed messages of his own. Shortly after our second trist he says, "It's strange, by this time next year I may be someones collared slave.". Ummmm... don't fuck me then say shit like that. Did I need to hear that? No. Did I need to know that he was seeking that type of relationship that I love him too much to give him? I guess I did need to know that. I needed to know that because even tho I fucked the daylights out of him (I was VERY rough, very dominant and very intimidating... even a lil' choking... it got intense) that I still could not go to the frontier he needs to go to. I guess I did need to know that. I guess I needed to know that despite all that is good/was good about our relationship, there will always be this big threat going against us both. His needs versus My needs which are on opposite sides of the spectrum. His desires are something he didn't ever deal with and they were strong enough to warrant infidelity. My desires and my torn down sense of self are things that were driving me away and had me ALMOST screw someone else.
These are things we need to work out before entering a relationship with someone else. I need to make like Stella and get my groove back, he needs to make like a gimp and be caged and tortured.
I think we can be friends after we get over the break up. Our friendship is very important. For 10yrs we had been best friends. We shall see how the time will heal us. I can only hope for the best for him. Hope that he remains safe and sane, doesn't incur too many physical scars from his 'quest'.
Happy New Year Chulos! Let's all hope 2008 will bring prosperity and a new heart!
-Daemian
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