A Swing and A Miss...

Well Carl and I had our date. Well I knew we were in trouble the minute he suggested we go to Blu. I knew we were in further trouble when he said, 'It's not a date, it's a get together.'. I knew it was done when he said, 'I don't want to lead you on.'.

Is it obvious I like the guy? Yes. But why does it keep turning into 'I'm not ready for a relationship?'. I mean I wanted a proper date, time to get to know who he really is and if I even want to be bothered. But of course I allowed myself to be bullied into that spot and didn't protest, I just sat there... smiled as best I could and took it. He says he is not ready. Thats fine and all, but I have a very basic belief that you fight for what you want. You do whatever it takes to get yourself in a position to get what you want. Well not everyone feels the same way. Instead I get told to take a step back, leaving me feeling like it was never about anything more than sex to him. He even goes as far as saying, 'If I had sex with you then at the club you see me flirting and going home with someone else it would piss you off.', so nope didn't even get laid. A lot of, 'As attractive as you are', got thrown around. I guess to take the sting out of it. At one point I had to ask him to stop saying it. Could it have been any more rehearsed?

Oh well, it was a thwarted intention. He wants me to be his friend because friends have a possibility of being lovers. Problem is I am not wired that way. I can not be friends with someone I have feelings for. It is just not something I am capable of. I don't even know how. I spent the rest of the night drinking beer, listening to the old queens tell stories and giving Carl his space. He can keep the chain I gave him with the key. He can keep it as a reminder that someone who was real gave him a chance. All I can really do I guess is be polite. Say hi when I see him. Make small talk when he makes it. I may not be a happy panda right now but I do still like him.

Now this leaves me in a quandary. I am horny as fuck, the person I was waiting for pretty much told me to fuck off. I am not going to start fucking the entire town. Hell most of these guys I have seen so far I wouldn't let suck my dick. How do I meet people? I mean... you put me in front of a computer and meeting people becomes really easy. You never run out of things to say because you have the time to think and then type. But I want to try more traditional means of meeting people. Tho I don't quite know how. I mean I don't have any interesting stories to tell. Maybe I need a learning annex course on making friends and being personable. Really I guess my hard time is that I am waiting to be approached. Anytime I approach someone my conversation dies after , "Hi I'm Lance. You having a good night?". I do better if I am introduced. At least a mutual friend makes a mutual point of interest. I do better in a one on one setting. I am always so self conscious about people being able to hear my conversation.

I know, I know.. don't be so this or don't be so that. Easier said than done when it is simply part of who you are.

Back to the drawing board.

-Daemian