So... I have worked officially all of 1 week at Blu and they have already got my schedule for the weekend booked! I love it! Friday, Saturday and Sunday I will be working security. It will be variable which security position I work. Some days I will be a floater, which I love. I get to walk around the club, flirt a little bit and see the shows. Some days I will be working the smoking area. In the winter it hurts a little bit because the smoking area is outside, but once again I get to mingle, be social and flirt without spending money. Some days I will be working the front door, like this Sunday I will be working the front door, which is nice on a Sunday because I don't have to deal with cash. I can sit there, be visible and flirt my ass of. Bad part is I miss the shows and I am pretty much stuck in the front... Sunday they do lip sync competitions and Lady Sabrina is the hostess with the mostess.
After my exciting encounter, as documented in my previous post, my outlook on things have changed. Funny enough I do still want Carl. I want him something bad, but I found I am able to curb that want and go for other wants while he decides his own fate. I could have had my choice of boys last night. There was this FUCKING hot Brazilian guy staring me down. I mean he undressed me, re-dressed me and undressed me again all with his eyes... all night long. This little Mexican guy walked in, and I don't get what is up with the little guys thinking they can handle all of this, and began to shake his ass just for me. I was almost tempted, but found that no... despite my addictive personality (which would make it very easy to get addicted to sex) I was able to be a good boy last night. I went home with no one and guess that kind of control over myself felt great. I guess it is a kind of control that 10yrs of marriage will train in you. After my last encounter, I tell you girls.. you will have to chisel the smile off of my face with a jackhammer after I am dead. All the negativity I was holding on to just melted away. So I feel great. There is something better for me out there. This is just the beginning.
I know, I know... I can hear you bitches now, "Well what the Oh Fuck Moment Ho?!?", and I will tell ya. My 'Oh Fuck Moment' was in realizing with all the blood back in my brain that I did hook up with this guy at the place I worked. Which means whoever was working that night knows I went home with someone else. Why? How? They know by now that I am a new bitch here that does not drive. So if I show up I am there until closing so I can hitch a ride with Danielle or Matty home. Well, when I wasn't there at the end of the night... they put 2 and 2 together and made 4. Not only did they get it... they talked about it. Even my new boss knew I went home with someone. Glad it is a gay club and it was my night off. Anyway... Carl worked last night with BOTH bartenders from my night of whorishness. Yeah... he heard about it. Oh fuck. At first I didn't care really because he was the one who told me to back off. But I could see it in his face he was not happy. He would put on a rather fake smile, I know what his smiles look like and the ones he gave me were fake, and pretend like he wasn't upset. I then realized, Carl is not the rock he portrays himself to be. He really does... or at least did... like me. What puzzles me is that the entire thing was all about how I need to go out and sow MY wild oats. How I am the one who needs more time. How I am the one who is not ready. In reality... none of those things were about me. They were about him. He is the one who is not ready, needs more time to sort his shit out.
Now I may have been having some serious blonde moments since I got here. Thankfully those are over. I may have just left a 10yr relationship. But give me some credit. I am not a moron or some child. I do know myself well enough to know the type of person I am. I know I can be a horny fuck. I know I can have my moments where for months on end I want it daily. I know that if I don't get my release I get grumpy. I know that I much rather have sex with someone I feel something for as well. Its when I am at my best sexually. I also know that I am a relationship oriented man. That if I find the guy who can put me in my place, not let me get away with murder, fuck me on a regular basis and make me feel like a king... I will be his for as long as I can hold on to him. I know that I am VERY affectionate and loving. I love nothing more than to be able to put my arms around someone and feel them respond positively. I want nothing more than to be able to come home, call someone tiger, kiss a long deep 'I missed you today' kiss... even if we have just been in separate rooms all day. I know I want someone to hold.
So I do have a big grip on what it is I want, who it is I was 10yrs ago, who it is I became in 10yrs time and who it is I am becoming. I won't be held down by who I used to be. But I won't toss those lessons I have learned either. So, as my hag in training and my mother said... take this as a sign that I need to whore it up a little bit longer... safely (thats my mothers addition). I am not going to be an asshole and throw it in Carls face by hooking up with guys right in front of him, thats just bad form knowing what I know... but I will try to take just 1 night a week at the club socially when he is not there and get my guys that way. I don't know how I feel about the whole hookup websites... thats just too damn scary. I do hope for Carls sake... and just because I really do like him... that I am single when he feels he is ready for me. I am an easy man to keep but I am a lot of man to deal with with.
Hmmm... I wonder when the next time I will see Christiano may be? I have been given the green light from Jaeryd. Maybe Christiano will be the next one on my list of Worcester Conquests! Language barrier may be a bit much to try and date him... but the language my groin speaks is universal.
-Daemian
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