Meds...

I have not taken an anti-depressent in roughly 7 years. I learned how to control things. My mind, my emotions etc... recognition is 75% of the battle. Once you learn to recognize the signs and the behavior one can take steps to curb it.

I have been victim to my own mind since I was a child. I may have mentioned in a previous post that I am prone to bouts of depression. I am. I have some insane highs and insane lows. I had gotten so used to recognizing it that I was able to just stop... breath... think and move on. I got into the habit of calling it "moody"... as I am also prone to mood swings.

I have been doing very well without the meds. But as of late I have been steadily losing control. Where I could once keep myself from tail spinning and spiraling out of control , I find that more and more I am spiraling faster and faster. Unable to control my own mind or my own feelings. This could be in part to my being lonely. I am not used to being alone... never have been. But I don't know. On one hand I hated the meds. They kept me from feeling. Being an emotional creature not feeling is unacceptable. On the other hand... they kept me sane and clear.

Do I go back on the meds, leaving myself emotionally barren? Do I find a way to become a stronger person spiritually and mentally to get myself back in check? Both of those options hold some hope and promise. It's now about getting over being indecisive and choosing a path and praying it works. I wish I had a buddhist temple to go to around here. That was so very helpful. Having a calm soothing place to go. Having great supporters and teachers that showed me how to calm myself, my mind and my spirit. I feel broken right now and I don't know what to do about it. God... I am even having a Ricky moment, I am crying and I don't know why. I know what it doesn't have to do with... I don't know what it does have to do with. I just felt like crying. What am I? On my period or something?

Well.. before I short circuit my laptop....

ciao

-D