The One With a Soul Suddenly Becomes Soul-less...

I am sorry that it has been a while since I have last posted. Work has been murder. Between that damn new iPhone release and Tax Free Holiday I have been balls deep in tech support.

It is interesting to see how time changes. It is even more interesting to watch time change you and not have the soul to correct a damaged heart. Perhaps I am still heart broken, too heart broken to stop the changes I am witnessing within myself. I must admit that I am becoming jaded. Not bitter... just jaded. Funny enough the more flippant, nonchalant, egotistical, jaded and soul-less I become the more the hot guys seem to want me. And not just want me, but want to date me. I have tried dating and have come to the conclusion that romantic love is a farce. A trick of the mind. A chemical reaction that forces one to give up everything for someone else. To give 110% to someone who may or may not return the favor. I am not mad at life... life has been rather good to me. Lucky in life even. But love is on my shit list. Romantic love. As such I have done to myself what I have sworn I would not do. I am becoming one of those fags that use other men for sex and is more than content to be by himself. I hadn't lost all hope until recently. Perhaps it is the way I have been treated, perhaps it is who I have always been and just chose to not accept it. This isn't a blog post to bitch. It is merely to express my current state of mind.

I have become cold and I am to stubborn, too lazy or too heartbroken to change it.

It really hit me last night. I had this hot guy over... and I mean fucking hot. He was about 5'10, Blond with stunning blue eyes. An ass that was tight yet could be relaxed to keep one pelvis feeling good, ready and able. We had a great night. I mean it was worth every drop of sweat that we let out. In the end I told him I would love to see him again. As I am not looking to be a slut and would like something more steady. He then said, "I would love to, but I am unable to date you." To which my response was, "*laughter* Hon... I don't want to date you. I just want to fuck you.". The look on his face was one of disappointment. As if he was really just playing hard to get and was upset that I was not playing into the game. Perhaps he was just used to every trick he has falling in love with him and I for once did not. Who knows... but what I do know is that in that instant... that moment in time... I had lost my soul.

I woke up this morning rather cold, flippant and arrogant about the day that lay before me. I can almost predict exactly what will come, how I will handle it and that I will do it with style. I guess I have always been self centered, perhaps that is why Mike and I crumbled. Although he had all of me I don't think he truly knew it nor felt it. I don't have to worry about making that mistake again. I know I hurt him more than he hurt me when I broke up with him. I had always threatened it but never did it. When it was real this time I know it crushed him. I did it because of how I felt. It was always about me. Well I do see. I am all about me and I am either too lazy, too stubborn, too arrogant or too heartbroken to change it. I don't need to be fixed.


- D