The Black Gay Renaissance?

In my description I mention the 'Gay Black Renassaince' and inquire as to wether I was even a part of it. It may seem like a silly question to most. I have enquired about this a lot and most people say the same thing to me. "You are Black, you are Male, you are Gay and you are NOT on the DL. How can you not be part of it?". That is all well and good, but I am so disconnected from my own community that I wouldn't fit in or be a part of it.

Where I'm coming from!

To understand why I ask the question you have to first understand how I grew up. My American home town is Hillside, New Jersey. Don't get me wrong this town did have a wide array of cultures and ethnicities represented, but it was a predominately 'white' town with one of the best, at that time, educational systems on the east coast. This was the reason for my mother moving there. She wanted to ensure us the best education possible and not just from the schools. She wanted us to understand 'white people'. My mother is a product of the civil rights for African Americans era. To her mind it was not enough to be 'as good as them'. To her mind we had to be 'better than them' in order to have a fair and equal chance. For us to do that, in her mind, we needed to be exposed to 'white America'. This exposure, she felt, would keep us from being afraid. An example of how she did not want us to be follows my sister's boyfriend's behavior. This is a guy who refuses to go anywhere that may have what he calls "too many white people.". He is afraid, tho he would never admit it, of white people. When one grows up with the spectre or "The Man" and this imaginary cosmic power "The Man" has, who could blame a semi-defeated class of people for being afraid.

So I grew up "white". This brought me to another crisis. The crisis of 'who am I'. I could not relate to my brothers and as such I withdrew from the black community. Even more so once I truly saw our view on Gay Black Men. So it is a community I never got to experience. I liken my comming out as a expression of no fear. I hadn't been exposed to the stigma of being a gay black man so I never had that instilled fear of being exposed.

Some of you may be thinking, 'Just go out and join your brothers!'. I wish I could but I don't know how. This is my own fear now coming up. I thought I was done with the need for acceptance. Apparently not.

The Black Gay Renaissance

So we come to the Black Gay Renaissance. There has been a great awakening in the Gay Black Community. Being on the DL is looked down upon, coming out is in style, gay black men are on TV and not as cracked out prostitutes. The image of the Gay Black Man is changing.

I have become a YouTube junky. It is an amazing medium. Real people can have a voice. Real people can produce a show of sorts and actually have other people listen and follow it. I recently discovered The & Show. The show may not be of the highest budget but it is damn good and amidst all the witticisms and wise cracks is a message. The show is produced by Nathan Seven Scott (Jared Shuler is no longer with the show) and talks about everything from the differences between White and Black Gay Culture to Fag Hags to Barebacking. The views are real and the delivery is entertaining. I love it. Then I discovered Noah's Arc . At first I thought it was kinda bad, low budget etc, but by the end of the second episode I was hooked. Never before have I been able to truly see myself represented on TV. So often the gay black men on TV don't have my problems. Don't have my concerns. Don't speak of me or to me. But this one did it.

There are so many things I have yet to discover about my own community. The creativity, the life, the dreams, the lonliness, the hope and the success of my community are things I am just now seeing. Perhaps it is just a matter of finally gaining the eyes to see it. I long to know my people and I am afraid of the response I will get. I fear very little in life and this one shocked me.

I am so sheltered I thought a relationship spanning more than a few hot sweaty hours was common place only to come to find that Mike and I are a rarity and that other gay couples aspire to be like us. Should I find it as my duty to be visible in the community? Will they take offense to the fact that my husband is white? Will I be well recieved? Will I come across as a pompous ass who thinks he can show people how to live?

Am I a part of the black gay renaissance? I dont feel like I am. Will just being visible as a gay couple make a difference in the minds of some who think it is not possible and have resigned to one nighters and weekend relationships? I don't know that it is even my place to do that. Who am I to judge? Will being a visible out and proud gay black man do it? I don't know. I mean I burned my closet and used the wood for kindling by the time I was 17, and was active before that. But I did not do this in the gay black community, so my experience was very different from the stories I have read and heard. Disconnected, I am.

I also sort of feel like this is a journey and discovery I must make for myself by myself. But how do I tell my man "I am going to my first ball in Harlem and would rather go alone."? I want to be there and experience the scene and feel that my husband would be too much of a distraction and a bit of a liability. Maybe that is just me being selfish, which I am prone to be from time to time. But I feel like I need to do this on my own. I need to know this community and through it get to know myself. As a people, African Americans are the only ones who have had to re-create their culture and history after slavery. We are the only people that requires a DNA test to find out what region of Africa we MOST LIKELY came from. We are lost and are finding our way. That leaves a hole in many of us. I know myself pretty damn well, but I feel a need to embrace and to know the "Neo Black Gay Culture" and to contribute to it. To be a part of something that one day may be looked back upon as a pivotal moment in what will no doubt be a historical cultural event.

I will most likely revisit this subject with less self absorbtion.

So...

Are you a part of the Black Gay Renaissance?