Tell Them That You Love Them!

Ever notice how sometimes, in the middle of all of the mess that is your life, you get the urge to tell the people in your life how much they mean to you? But then of course something happens and your attention gets diverted from that. Whatever it may be you forget to tell them what you are thinking.

My mother and I send emails to each other constantly. I may not be able to visit her often but I can still talk on the phone or via email. Now I don't know if this is a mistake for me to do, but I am going to share with you guys the last email I sent to her and her reply.

So you are not lost as to what I am talking about in the email I will give a brief backstory.

My mother and I trade dirty jokes, and goings' on daily almost. In her last email to me she said something about giving my aunt barb (Aunt Bob, she was always female but I couldn't say 'Barb' as a child so it always came out as 'Bob') money to go towards her and my little cousins cruise. She feels a duty to do this because this particular aunt has been going through it if you get my drift. My mother is also a bit trouble about her best friend who has been behaving in a manner unfriend like.

My emails to my mother can sometimes be train of thought-ish. I got the urge to pretty much say what I had been thinking. I lost the chance to let my deceased aunt (there were 3 aunts), the most important one in my life, know how I felt about her. So when I am struck to express my feelings to those in my life I try to do so the moment I think it. I don't want to miss that chance ever again.

Here is my reply to that email. Yes I always sign my emails to my mom "Your Sun" given that the Sun is the base of Son and is thus for a reason.

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Aunt Bob... man I love that woman too. Over the years I have gotten to know so much about her. Things I don't even think Bianca knows and they were tight. LOL. Aunt Bob has had a very interesting past. She regrets a lot of it, I think she shouldn't. She lived life, that's all. Nothing more, nothing less. Sometimes she feels that her past is the cause for some of Jazz's short comings. They are not. Things and events occur for a reason.

She was meant to have Jazz as he is. Her past has nothing to do with it. But, the fact that she has regrets shows that she is and always was a very good person with good intentions. She has always been there for all of us. She deserves as much as she can get. She's nuts, make no mistake, but in a good and indearing way. LOL.

I wish I had enough material things to help and show my appreciation for not only you but also for your sisters. They have all treated me and Bianca so well. Despite any underlying oddness. I am very lucky. I tell people that all the time. I am lucky. Was my childhood troubled? Yes. Was my family in their many forms there to keep me sane? Definitely.

Aunt Verna for instance, she dotes too much. For her own children this may have given them this sense of never NEEDING to grow up. She lied to herself about it, and still does. But that is her winning formula. I was around her just long enough to benefit without it being a detriment. Aunt Bob showed me to live life hard and fast. She was always on the go and doing things. I may not have that energy, but she showed me I can live life on my own terms.

Aunt Pat showed me how to use the love you have that you have no outlet for to make some else happy. She had no kids of her own, but she had that love to give. She gave to us and I will always remember and cherish that.

Then there is you. Lord if I don't get my wit, intelligence, tenacity, artisticness and strength from you. You showed me that even though we don't always make the right choices we have to go on. Even though things did not turn out like we thought they would, we have to go on. Even when others put us down and try to keep us there, we have to go on. A single mother, fighting to stay afloat in the midst of money problems, relationship problems and fear... we have to go on. Fear nothing and fear no one. The unknown is not something to be afraid of. If you have to put yourself out there and take a chance, be brave and do it.

You all deserve a damn cruise! At the very least. Think about what we have been through and how we came out of it. Some would say I should be dead or behind bars. I do recognize they are right. And that is not only my own doing, but yours as well. All of you gals. All of you had something to do with it. Granted I have to give myself some credit in this too. I had to have the eyes to see it. I saw it.

If I could make all of your lives easy, I would. If I could send you all on cruise, just to say thank you... I would.

So do send Aunt Bob money, give Aunt Verna your love and give yourself all the reasons you need to succeed. You spent too long taking care of other people. It is your turn. Pat will do her thing and like I said, she has been with you in many chapters of your book. Maybe it is her time to not be in the next chapter. Tho that does not mean she will not make a triumphant return in the chapter after that.



Love you always,

Your Sun
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This is my mother reply. I almost cried.
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Yes my dear Sun, you have the wisdom of a man and I am very proud of you and always have been, and will always love you no matter what and will always be with you, you are my child and you will be a great person in your own rights and people are going to know who you are, just wait, and you will see.

You will be blessed with good health wealth and prosperity, trust your old mom she knows what she is talking about. And never forget your little sister she loves you too.

Love Mom
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What she says in it may not be that special. But to know that your parent is proud of you. To know that she has noticed. That she does care. That I have not somehow disappointed her was overwhelming.

I am an out and proud gay man. Make no mistake. But sometimes I feel bad about it. Not so much about being gay, more about not giving her what I know she wanted. She wanted to be a grandmother by now. She wanted her only son to be the one to give her that first grandchild. She wanted to feel that joy of a baby again. My sister is rather young, 24, and is not so into having a kid just yet. I don't blame her, she has more life to live yet.

If anything, I always felt that I disappointed my mother somehow... irrational I know. She is a bit Archie Bunker-ish in her speaking, but much like Archie she is not really racist or homophobic but more a product of her era. She loves Mike, thinks he is a good - albeit small - guy. She has never seen me so happy to hear her say it. But she is a rock in my life.

So I am saying it not only to you mom but to the world in this blog. I love you. I am a better man because of you.

I spoke about losing my most cherished of the aunts without her knowing how I truly felt. This devastated me. I was a troubled child that gave her a lot of grief for nothing. All she ever did was love me. She even saved my ass from a ew well deserved spankings. She lived with us and worked as a nurses aid. Our Christmas' were always great. See she had no kids of her own and my sister and myself were those children she never had. Even as I sit here and remember some of the horrible things I had said to her out of childish anger as a child I tear up.

I know it was trivial. I was a child. Who holds a child accountable for childish shit right? I know she didn't. But what meant more to me was that I never said I was sorry. I never apologized to her for it. I wanted to, so many times I wanted to. But I never did.
Anyone who knows me knows that you do not call me after 10pm nor during my shows. But she was the only one who could get away with it. Given her schedule, late nights was like her 6pm. So she would come home and like clockwork would call me at 12am and we would talk for hours. I didn't care. I loved her and she loved me. It got to the point that I would just stay awake because I knew she'd be calling. After she died it took about a year before I could fall asleep before 12am. Even now, I have a hard time some nights sleeping before 12am.

So I am saying it here, for the world to see. I love you Aunt Pat (not to be confused with my mothers best friend pat). I love you and I am sorry. I am sorry I never made sure you knew I loved you by saying it. I am sorry I never told you how much I missed you when you moved out. I am sorry I never told you how much I missed you when I moved to NYC. I am sorry I never told you I was sorry for the things I said and did as a child. I am sorry. You were my other mother and losing you was the hardest thing to ever endure. I miss you and I love you.

To Michael... what can I say. 10 years. 10 years of ups and downs, a few roundabouts and more than our fair share of fights. We have been through a lot together. We had gone from rags to riches back to rags and once again working oursleves back up. Despite all of this, we are still together and still in love. I know I have said it before, but I love you. I appreciate you. Sometimes it may seem like I don't, I am a moody son of a bitch. But I do, waking up in the morning next to you gives me no greater pleasure to compare it to. It stands above the others. No matter what mistakes I make or you make... I love you.

I guess the moral of this blog is to tell them. Tell the ones in your life that made you who you are. Tell those who you have fallen in love with. Tell them that you love them. You could put it off for a day, a week, a month, or even an hour and lose the chance to ever say it. So say it!

I love you.