January 2nd... Time is Running Out!

Time waits for no man. We would all like to think we are just special enough, that just for us time would slow down or even stop. I am hours away from having to leave NYC behind. As painful as this month has been, it has gone by VERY fast. I have learned a lot in the past month... more than I have learned on this entire 2 year long journey I have been on. I never thought, 2 years ago, that when I started the journey of self that it would have this as a twist. I think this was my test. In 2 years I have grown. Grown fearless to live life, grown even more responsible for my actions, grown to understand me.

This month long break up has tested everything I thought I had come to understand. It tested my fearlessness. It tested it, broke it then forced me to awaken to a realization. It was not fearlessness I learned... it was courage. Courage is doing what is right or facing adversity even though you ARE scared. It is ok to be scared, it is NOT ok to back down and run away because you are scared. I am terrified of being alone, terrified that I had made the wrong choice. But now I know. I know I made the right choice and that yes moving to a new place, with new people and new challenges is frightening but that if I can get through this past month... I can face anything no matter how painful or scared I am. Face your fear!

It tested my sense of responsibility. Made me realize that utilizing the courage I can stand in the face of fear and opposition and STILL get the job done and come out of it all smelling like roses. I mainly stayed here for the month of December for two reasons. Reason 1, I had an obligation to at least try to settle the rent debt we had incurred when I was unemployed (Mike was unemployed too, but what else was new. He spent a lot of time unemployed.). Did we settle the rent debt? No. But I can say I stayed here and toughed it out to try. Reason 2, it was Christmas time. My former place of employment is absolutely insane during that time of year. My job as their tech is VERY important during that time. Computers break down, shipping needs to be done, web orders need to be pulled and even though it is not my job.. cases of wine needed to be moved around.... a lot. I could not leave them that way, if I had the holidays would have been an absolute disaster.

So in the face of fear and pain I mustered the courage to be responsible and honorable. If you haven't guessed by now honor is very important to me. I get to say I left NYC, made an impact on people, will be fondly remembered and will always have a home here.

As far as understanding 'me' goes... I thought I had a very good grip on who I am. I thought I knew... but I didn't. Until now that is. I understand why my self esteem went to the crapper. I understand where my jealousy came from. I understand what it is I NEED in a partner. I finally understand.

There is always more to learn. One other thing I guess I learned during this last month is that my 2 year long journey is not over. The newest lesson I learned this month is that I can control everything I think is wrong or bad about me. I can control it, manipulate it and use it. I know I am not hideous, I am not the grand prize but I am a damn good man and a damn good catch. Anyone would be a fool to not snatch me up as soon as they can. I have a lot to offer a partner. I know that my sense of honor won't wane. I tried... it doesn't work. I will always be an honorable man. One who does the right thing despite my own best interests. My hero complex is something to be proud of. Not many people have it. Even fewer know what to do with it if they did have it. I was actually rather embarrassed about my hero complex. It was always so hokey... my need to protect people. My jealousy... thats an interesting one. I have not gained full control over it, but I can recognize when it is happening. When I see it happening I just calm myself down, clear my head and then evaluate the situation and if it really warrants my being jealous. If it does... then I will be jealous... if it doesn't then I am fine.

I have grown so much in the past 2 years. It is a shame that Mike has to miss the end result when it finally comes. This past month has hurt, has frightened and has hardened me... but it did not destroy me. I can go on and be fine. I know there are more opportunities out there for me. I know my own story does not end tomorrow. In fact, it may be just beginning.

Learn, Live and Love.

-Daemian